Bachelor Ben H. Finale: Ben Regrets Nothing

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was introduced by Bachelor Nation President (no term limits!) Chris Harrison as “the most dramatic finale EVER” and sure, he’s legally required to say that phrase 10 times per season, but I’ll contend that Bachelor Ben’s finale lived up to the hype.  We had a “disturbed” mother, even more family where that came from, lots of tears, a bathroom floor confessional, and, of course, a proposal on bended knee. 

The episode kicked off back in the Bachelor studio with Chris Harrison introducing the episode and showing us that Ben’s pastor was in the house (and presumably ready to marry the final couple after he was done paging through his Bible), plus both Lauren’s entire family and Jojo’s parents. Did anyone pause right there? I had Lauren to be the last woman standing most of the season, but the fact that her ENTIRE family showed up and just Jojo’s parents? That’s a bit of a giveaway, huh?

A battle for the ages: blonde vs. brunette

But first, we must go back to the final proposal/heartbreak.  Lauren is still walking like she just got off a horse and she and Jojo are both dressed like Whitesnake groupies roaming around Jamaica and wondering if the man who said “I love you” actually does.  Ben is torn and terrified and his parents’ input doesn’t help at all. Ben’s mother is “disturbed” that Ben loves 2 women, but put your outrage on hold, Mama Bear, Lauren’s here with flowers and wine!

Amy and Dave (the rentals) are excited to meet Lauren and she conducts herself with a calm, graceful demeanor as she shares her love of Ben and calls him “seemingly perfect” which KILLS with Mama Bear Amy (note: Lauren and Ben’s mom held hands during that convo, which seemed intense). Amy talks about the tough times of marriage, which I found to be a refreshing balance to the fantasy environment of the show.  Lauren and Ben sit on the steps to say goodbye alone and she says “I’m in love with you” like she’s announcing a Bingo game, then reminds him that she’s only getting married once and she wants to be part of the Higgins family.

The next day Jojo arrives in a patterned jumper carrying a small horn of plenty filled with flowers (very odd) and shaking from nerves (poor thing).  She comments to Amy that she’s extremely nervous, to which Mama Bear Amy responds, “we’re not scary people” which felt sort of negating to me, but perhaps I’ve been reading too many self help books and spent too many years in the improvisation world of “yes and”?  Jojo and Ben trot out their courtship stories and Jojo definitely makes an impact on Ben’s parents with her enthusiasm and love for Ben. Amy event says that with jojo “it did feel different” but ultimately, the parents love both girls (and who wouldn’t?).   Ben just still doesn’t know who to plant his stake with.

Then we transition back to the studio and Chris Harrison says “he’s got himself into a bit of trouble, right?” which sounded like a line straight out of The Dukes of Hazzard. 

Then it’s time for final dates and Lauren gets a catamaran ride with Ben during which they cuddle and say “I love you” numerous times.  Bachelor Producers try to mislead us by inserting clips of Ben saying that perhaps things between them are “too good to be true” and editing final date footage to look a bit boring and stale.  That night they dress up and talk by candlelight (“You look great” “You look great”) and Ben tells Lauren that he’s confused and “no matter what happens, you’ve made me a better person” which sounded like a friggin’ breakup speech!  If I were Lauren, I would have been crushed (but psyched to have such great hair and a nice bum).  They say goodbye and Lauren, ever the strong steady, tears up and says that, “if tonight were the last time that I heard Ben say he loved me, I don’t really know what I would do.”

Then it’s time for Jojo and Ben’s final date and, unlike Lauren, Jojo has truly jumped in completely (both literally and figuratively) while Lauren has wisely played things a bit cooler, but much of that is simply your personality and you can’t stop being who you are. If I were on that show, I wouldn’t be as measured as Lauren—I’d be more like Jojo (and pray for her killer curls). 

Jojo and Ben drive to a literal blue lagoon (it’s more than just a Brooke Shields flick circa 1980, apparently), strip down to their swimsuits, and jump right in. As we saw last time, Jojo’s hair is immediately tangled and wet and her make-up is gone and if I were jumping from that rope in Jamaica (is my Tuesday morning quarterbacking super obnoxious or absolutely delightful?), I would do one of those Lifeguard-style stride jumps to keep my head from going under.

SAVE YOUR HAIR, JOJO!!!! 

As the waterfall screams behind them, Jojo and Ben talk about what they would do next—Denver or Dallas? Jojo never gets any answer on that, but says that she has faith in Ben and trusts him, to which Ben responds, uninspiringly, that he loves her but his mind is in 1,000 different places. 

My mind is in 1,000 different places... and so are my bowl movements (I have diarrhea). 

That night Jojo pulls out the hail mary pass of rompers and shows some serious cleavage as she and Ben discuss what is going on between them and what doubts Ben may have.  They retire to the bathroom and have a teary-eyed heart-to-heart on the bathroom floor (off camera, but still mic-ed) during which Jojo seems crestfallen that Ben loves Lauren, also, and has told her such.  The tile commercial ends with Jojo saying that she feels foolish and expressing that she didn’t realize that Ben had dropped the L bomb to anyone else (Lauren).  Oh girl.

Ummmm hi--may I remind you of how damn hot I am, Ben?

The next day Ben wakes up and before we know it, Neil Lane is here with a case full of blood diamonds, ready to be the transition into a flashback montage of the ladies.  Ben finally says that he has made a decision, picks a diamond (square diamond with step stones up to it), and gets suited up. 

The ladies are prepping, also: Lauren in a royal blue, floor length dress (great pick) and hair down and Jojo in a surprisingly bad choice—a super pageant-y, light pink gown covered in sequins, hair down.  Oh Jojo, every dress you picked was better than the last up until this final rose ceremony—where did it all go so wrong?

The ladies hop in their helicopters and head to the site and, as any lifelong Bachelor fan knows, the first to arrive is the one being sent home brokenhearted.  We see a shot of silver heels emerging from the helicopter and they are soon followed by a sparkly, pink grown.  Oh Jojo, I’m sorry, girl (but your big brothers are sorrier, no doubt). 

Jojo walks across the bridge to Ben and delivers a sweet speech about her love for Ben as he stares at her with an absolutely blank facial expression.  Once she is done, Ben launches in on his part about how he was unsure at first and he didn’t know if he could find love, but he found it with Jojo, but he found it with somebody else more. Ooooouch.

Jojo tries to breathe and hold it together while I was tempted to crank this song:

Jojo exits gracefully, saying that she feels blindsided and confused and scolding him for telling her that he loved her.  They hug goodbye and Jojo hops in the limo, saying “I just want he kind of love that I can count on.”  Oh girl, don’t we all.  I feel you. 

Ben goes back to his spot and calls Lauren’s father to ask for Lauren’s hand in marriage. Listen, I get that this is tradition and some fathers think that it’s really noble and honorable to do that, but may I remind everyone that it completely ignores the MOTHER? If you want to show your respect for a woman’s family and be sure that they’re OK with you joining that family, then please please PLEASE ask BOTH parents. Presumably BOTH parents raised her and BOTH parents put up with a lot—let’s not forget out mothers, OK?   (This is also why I love the Jewish tradition of BOTH parents walking a bride down the aisle.)  I’ll get off my soapbox, but Lauren’s father is thrilled and gives his blessing, which prompts Ben to shriek like a tool. 

Lauren arrives and tells Ben that their first kiss was her “last first kiss” and “you are my person.”  Ben responds that this has been a journey full of goodbyes and he never want to say goodbye to her, then he gets on bended knee and proposes.  Lauren is laughing and clutching her mouth, then Ben hands her the final rose and they immediately start dropping the “f bomb” (fiancée—a word that will forever give me dumb chills). 

Hour 3 of the Bachelor Finale extravaganza takes us back to the studio where Chris Harrison interviews Ben and asks Ben if he regrets anything.  Ben responds that he can’t live in a state of regret, which is a really easy thing to say when YOUR heart wasn’t broken and YOU got what YOU wanted no matter the emotional cost to others. 

We have the standard parade of people—the jilted ex (Jojo) looking AMAZING in a black dress with strategic cut outs and just the right amount of bronzer (a lot).  Chris Harrison thrills Bachelor Nation by announcing JOJO as the next Bachelorette (Halleluiah!) and Jojo and Ben have a friendly conversation about their breakup. 

Lauren comes out and she and Ben cuddle and talk about what life has been like since the show and then all of their family and Ben’s pastor (DENNY!) join them onstage for a giant hug off. Lauren’s sister rocks a weird circus style red dress and Ben’s mother is serving Hillary Clinton circa 1993 realness in a maroon dress with shoulder cut outs (remember when that was SO popular?). 

Chris Harrison bids us adieu promising, I think, a new season of The Bachelorette (starring JOJO!) in May (that’s pretty damn quick, no?) and Bachelor In Paradise this summer and the Bachelor Train keeps rolling on!

To hear me yammer about this solo (because my sweet co-host was having bedtime problems with her sweet baby who was as emotional about the finale as Jojo was), listen to The Fantasy Suite here.

Thanks so much for reading, lovebugs! I really appreciate it and I’ll be back in May to make jokes about the lunks who line up to date the gorgeous, wonderful Jojo!  xo 

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 9: Fantasy Suite Nights

Last night’s Bachelor was the infamous fantasy suite episode—the night when Chris Harrison bizarrely invites the bachelor +  his lady of the night (three total!) to “forego their individual rooms” and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Most members of Bachelor Nation can recite that fantasy suite card text like 3^rd graders can recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Ben is in beautiful Jamaica, a country I have visited twice and I absolutely adore. Ben wanders the gorgeous vistas of Bob Marley’s homeland saying, “Jamaica has a freedom to it” which is ironic since Jamaica only gained independence from the United Kingdom in 1962. But enough about Jamaica’s pathway to freedom from Spanish and British rule and its history of slavery crossed with indentured servitude followed by a hard fought emancipation—Ben Higgins has come all the way from Warsaw, Indiana to GET LAID!

We’re down to Caila, Lauren, and Jojo and Ben roams around Jamaica in a pink button down shirt summarizing his feelings on each of them.

Caila arrived on that first night in a sparkly dress and jumped directly into Ben’s arms, setting the tone for her puppy dog-like antics for the rest of the season. Caila is beautiful, smiley, and bubbly and Ben likes it, but will she ever join him in his favorite hobby—crying?

Lauren makes Ben feel like he has a schoolboy crush and seemed like love at first sight to Ben, but is it too good to be true? Is she holding back on Ben?

Jojo is goofy like Ben (at least he seems to think he’s goofy, but I’m not sure I see it) and he feels like himself with her, but her brothers are walking nightmares and the hometown date “added confusion,” as Ben tactfully puts it.

The producers show us the ladies in their Jamaican hotel rooms and we endure SO MANY SHOTS of them staring out the water, staring out windows, staring off while sipping tea, taking deep breaths, and walking around in sexy robes. Life, huh?

Caila is first at bat and she’s wearing daisy dukes and a bikini top-style shirt for their daytime date cruising on a lazy river. The energy is awkward and a bit tense, as Caila feels weird post-hometown and with 2 other girls still in the running. They hop off their raft at a jerk chicken shack where they sip coconuts while Caila admits that she’s overthinking things and doesn’t want to ruin the mood by being the heavy. Ben remarks that it feels weird and Caila is very melancholy and wow, it seems like there is no room for error with that guy, ya know?

That night they dress up and Caila’s black separates are sublime. They sit on a couch directly behind a bonfire and surrounded by tiki torches and I am stunned that they didn’t melt. Ben dives right in and says that today was weird and she’s usually bubbly and communicative and Caila says that she’s glad he called her out (GLAD? ugh) and that post-hometowns she’s very scared and nervous because it’s very real now. She says that she has doubted every other relationship she has ever had (hear that, ex-boyfriends! EAT IT!) but with Ben, it feels right all the  time and she continues making bullet points about him that sound like dialogue, then she closes with “I’m in love with you.” Ben grabs her and kisses her, but doesn’t say it back (per The Bachelor rules) and they read the fantasy suite card together. They strip down to their swimsuits (and Caila’s swimsuit is TINY, also when did I become an old nun?), make out while fireworks go off, and then retire to the fantasy suite. 

The next morning they say “good morning” to one another about a dozen times, then sit on the patio as Caila says “love ya” way too many times.

But don’t bask in the afterglow of night 1 of humps too long, Benny boy—you’ve got another date! And it’s with the woman who you’re obviously going to marry, Lauren!

Lauren meets Ben and somehow she has constructed the most unflattering outfit of all time—ill fitting daisy dukes, a tank top made of sweater material, and a bikini underneath. They take a boat to Gibraltar Beach where they release a nest of baby sea turtles and Lauren says that this is “one of my dreams” (to open up an underground nest of tiny sea turtles? Really? I guess my dreams just aren’t specific enough). After their conservation efforts, they sit down on a tapestry and each says that the other is too good for him or her and I guess that’s cute, but also, please shut up.  They strip down to their swimsuits and another TINY bikini is in play and I wonder, do all these ladies have tiny bums? My badonkadonk just needs more coverage—is that too much to say?  Have I just alienated my small-rumped readers?

That night they attend a reggae concert (as Lauren rocks fierce peach separates) then sit down to dinner where Lauren describes Ben as “legitimately the man of my dreams” (legitimately? Seriously? Literally?) before they read the date card and opt to head into the fantasy suite.  Lauren says that she’s excited for alone time with Ben to “just be us and do us” and that she’s ready to “open up” and OMG WE GET IT! You won’t be playing Tiddly Winks in there! In the fantasy suite, Lauren tells Ben that she’s completely in love with him and—in a moment that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDNTED IN BACHELOR HISTORY, Ben responds that he has been in love with her for a while as well.

I was expecting an alarm to go off because THAT is against The Rules of Bach, but then again, are there any rules, truly? Aren’t we all making it up as we go along (that is, in life and love) and doesn’t ABC want better ratings each season (that is, on The Bachelor)? What ARE rules, truly? Must we abide by any social norms at all? (Can you tell that I took a lot of philosophy courses in college?) 

They repeat their “I love yous” a bunch of times, then close the curtain for love saying while love making (that phrase just made me throw up in my mouth a lil). The next morning they sip coffee and stare at each other and then Ben’s got to bounce and tell another woman that he loves HER. This schedule of “I love yous” is unrelenting!

Jojo and Ben’s daytime date is a helicopter ride to Negril (where Katie Compa and I have taken adult spring break twice) where they explore a waterfall and jump off a ledge into the water (BAD CALL, JOJO! Do you know how gnarly your hair is going to look as it dries? Take it from me, a girl who didn’t dunk my head underwater for a decade in order to preserve my award-winning hair). They sit in the water and talk about the future and upon Jojo’s confession of love, Ben says “I love you, too” which makes her start crying and ask “are you allowed to say that?” Ahh Jojo, your hilarious mother may not understand what this show is about, but you definitely know your Bachelor rules.

That night they “eat dinner” (drink and flirt) as Jojo marvels at how good it feels to hear these “words of affirmation” and then they opt to enter their fantasy suite, which is named the “Romeo + Juliet” suite (woa—double suicide as Bachelor finale? The producers really DO want ratings!). They strip down and then sip bubbly in a hot tub before closing the curtains for 1:1 time.

The next morning they nibble on fruit as Jojo tells ben “you gave me so much more than I expected yesterday” which Bachelor Nation unanimously assumed was code for oral sex, no? JK!

That afternoon Ben thinks about the choice he must make as he roams around alone and can we all agree that he walks like an absolute DWEEB? I don’t know how you “walk cool” but Ben, you’re definitely not doing it. Could all shots be from waist level or above from now on, please? Thnx.

Ben reveals that something is missing with Caila and in a move that has the producers fingerprints all over it, she immediately arrives to surprise him! She’s wearing a skirt and a pastel sports bra and she surprises Ben by coming from behind and putting her hands over his eyes—a move that should be outlawed when you graduate from middle school.   Ben is surprised and things go downhill fast.

That Face When you know you're about to get dumped

Ben is talking about how much he appreciates that she “tried to come over here” and Caila asks “are you OK?” which is—in my experience—what you ask when you think someone is pulling away and/or about to dump you. Ben explains that he’s in love with 2 women here and he simply couldn’t say “I love you” back to Caila so he has to send her home and, much to her credit, she calls him out on a few comments that sound like stock lines (truth) and leaves quickly. Good girl. I handle breakups the same way—just go. There’s no “figuring it out” that is of use to anyone. He walks her out and she furiously plays with her hair (again, I feel ya, girl—rub on your safety blanket) then hops in the car. She sits there for a moment, then gets back out (ya sure you want to do that, girl?) and takes advantage of that time to get some answers. She asks him, in so many words, if he slept with her knowing full well that he didn’t love her and he says that no, as the week progressed he felt that he couldn’t hold back with Lauren and Jojo’s confessions of love and so here we are.  They hug goodbye and in the car as she cries, Caila says that she still loves Ben, which is completely valid and very adult of her. But does this mean that she’ll be the next Bachelorette? I just don’t think that Bachelor Nation can handle such a naïve puppy of a Bachelorette for an entire season.

Soon it’s rose ceremony time because The Bachelor is nothing if not addicted to rituals. Jojo arrives in a fantastic floral dress and wedges (I heart wedges) and takes her mark. Lauren makes a shocking dress misstep and rolls up in an unflattering, low cut, red potato sack of a dress that is an odd length. 

An actual photo of Lauren's rose ceremony dress 

Chris Harrison greets each girl and wins the Best Actor Oscar as he pretends to be surprised at their confessions of love and the news of Ben’s reciprocation.  They have the rose ceremony, though I wish that Ben had given both ladies roses at the same time (his order was Jojo then Lauren, for what it’s worth) and the trio toasts to falling in love and meeting family.  

Next week is the Women Tell All and I can’t wait to see some of our favorite Bach Ben alums: Leah and her pathetic lies, Olivia and her cankles, Lace and her self improvement plan. Has Lace learned to love herself? We’ll soon find out!  

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 6: Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Monday night’s episode was another GEMSTONE and I didn’t think that ABC could top last week’s brilliance. We had all the ingredients necessary for a clutch Bach episode: desperation, sabotage, and the dreaded 2-on-1 date.

Last week’s episode ended with a cliffhanger: would Ben wise up send Olivia and her ankle girdles packing or would be believe her constant refrain that being in the lead put a target on her back? In their whispered 1:1 conversation, Olivia turned elitist (that’s a fun, new trick!) and said that she can’t relate to the other women since they are all “into” painting their nails and doing each other’s hair but she’s interested in reading books and “thinking” (yes, she literally said that) and “I want to talk smart things.” Olivia, you’re a news anchor (supposedly) and a D list catalogue model—you’re not a rocket scientist, so cut it with the claims that you’re simply too smart for this crew. Also, you sound a lot like Ian from Kaitlyn’s season and we all know how that ended (not well). 

Ben hears her out and wisely asks her about her part in it, but ultimately he’s sympathetic toward her so they walk back in together. We then see shots of Olivia saying “come at me, bro” and “I’m not going anywhere—every else can suck it” which I’m sure makes both her family and her employer feel REALLY proud of her tenure on this show.

The Cankles Stay In the Picture

  

So it’s time for the rose ceremony and already clutching roses are Olivia, Amanda (“Teen Mom” as Olivia would call her), and Lauren H. 

Who’s safe?

-Caila (who seems pretty damn smart, OLIVIA)

-Lauren B. (nice style, love the black dress and hippie style)

-Jojo (filmy white town and fuscia lips “on fleek” as someone cooler than me would probably say)

-Beccca (loving the mixed texture hair—braid, curls—it’s very Britney in her heyday)

-Leah (nice mint green gown, side braid)

-Emily (blonde with funny personality)

So the person going home is no surprise to Bachelor Nation: Snooze-A-Thon, Brunette, Monotone Jennifer. Oh Jennifer, we hardly knew ye, but perhaps we DID “know ye” and there just aint much there there.  Jennifer exits gracefully.

The next stop is introduced by Ben as “a lot of sun, a lot of beach, a lot of ocean” (yeah, those 3 things often go together), THE BAHAMAS! There is sunshine but the weather is generally hurricane-like and the only thing rougher than the wind and tides is how Olivia looks without make up. 

Chris Harrison brings the girls up to speed: this week will have a 1:1, a group date, and an infamous 2:1 from which at least 1 girl is sent home (and historically, often both girls are sent home). 

Software saleswoman Caila gets the 1:1 and Leah is upset because she has only had group dates so far. I hear that, but Caila and Ben’s first “1:1” was more of a “3:1” with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube and everyone feeling VERY obligated to promote the movie Ride Along 2.  Ben picks up Caila at the hotel and Leah is awkwardly wedged between them on the couch (that seating situation was BRUTAL to watch) before they head out. While Caila and Ben spend a sunny day deep sea fishing, Leah begins to unravel back at the hotel saying that she feels like a fool. Outside of the show, Leah lives only 10 minutes away from Ben, which she takes as a sign of their inevitable compatibility (girl, plenty of people live near me and that doesn’t mean I’ll have anything in common with them other than a subway stop and a local coffee shop). Leah, I’m sorry, but the universe didn’t bring you and Ben together—casting directors did. 

Caila's favorite book

Over a candlelit non-dinner, Caila and Ben have one of the most confusing conversations in Bachelor history, with Caila pulling back the curtain and saying that she knows she’s “supposed” to be vulnerable but she feels put on the spot, that she’s afraid she’s going to break his heart (yikes), and that her mind and her heart want different things (but like, what does your crotch want, also?). She chooses her phrases so deliberately and carefully (“I feel that...”) that it felt like watching a non-native speaker learn English phrases (“I would like to visit the library”). 

Somehow she emerges from that conversation triumphant, with Ben saying that he LIKES that Caila is confusing and that makes her “authentic.” Whatever you say, bro. Enter at your own risk.

The next day is the group date and Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Jojo, Lauren H., and Leah resemble a sea of bikinis, tan skin, and bayalage hair. The ladies and Ben hop on a boat, drink a bit, and then come upon some wild pigs by a deserted island.  Ben has turkey hot dogs for them to feed the pigs (thank GOD they weren’t regular hot dogs, as I thought they were for a moment) and after that, everyone mostly stands around and feels insecure and weird.  This “acticity” is an audio mixer’s nightmare with loud waves and squealing pigs and no ability to mic each girl since they were in the water. There must have been multiple boom operators running around like crazy people—brutal. 

Leah confronts Ben about how she feels sad that she hasn’t had a 1:1 yet and he says “can you make the most of this with me please?” then hugs her, which was like watching an abusive husband ask his wife to please smile and nod through another dinner party.

That night at the afterparty, Becca’s rocking a fantastic leather & lace outfit when Ben pulls her aside to ask why she was standoff-ish to him today. Becca shoots him straight, saying that the date felt awkward because he has such obvious chemistry with Lauren B. (I smell foreshadowing) but that she’s still really into him, he hasn’t done anything wrong.  He proceeds to then assure almost every girl that he really likes her and I wish that we could have seen it as a montage, but alas. 

Leah finally gets some alone time with Ben and producers give us an ominous voice over of Leah saying that she “needs to do something extreme.”  Turns out, it’s not just Leah’s eyebrows that are intense and crazy—it’s also her personality.  Leah goes full Single White Female while claiming that she doesn’t want to sabotage anyone and then tells bold-faced lies to sabotage someone. Bachelor Nation was STUNNED to watch her throw Lauren B. under the bus, claiming that she’s two-faced and not genuine.  HUH? Say what you will about Lauren B. (perhaps she’s a bit simple and shy?), she is NOT an Olivia type who is some Jekyl & Hyde.  I swear I heard her say Lauren B.’s name in that conversation, but my podcast co-host Dava didn’t hear it—did you hear it, dear reader? It was all so confusing.

After dropping her bomb, Leah exits, like a blonde haired Iago and Ben immediately confronts Lauren B. about what he was told (without naming names). Lauren B. starts crying and feels weird even responding to this, since it’s so far from the truth. Moments later, Lauren B. is visibly upset and tells the other women what happened and Leah COMPLETELY LIES AGAIN about her involvement, saying that she’d never single somebody out and that she didn’t do it. I cannot wait for “The Women Tell All” episode later in the season because Leah is going to have to pay the piper for that whole charade.

Then, as if she hasn’t done enough damage both to herself and to Ben and Lauren B.’s relationship, Leah shows up on Ben’s hotel doorstep that night for more conversation. If she truly wanted to say around and honestly liked Ben, she’d use that alone time to build a bridge, flirt, maybe even make out. But Leah seems dead set on going out with a bang, so she squanders her limited time by again, doing the exact thing that she INSISTS she does NOT want to do (“sit here and talk bad things about Lauren”).  Ben sees through her and makes subtle digs, saying that the first night felt so great between them but it never moved beyond that (got to be hard to hear, even if you’re an Iago type) and that they’re missing something between them.  Finally, Ben says that he doesn’t want to put her through anything more and it’s best for us to say goodbye. Yesssss. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out, Psychopath! See ya at The Women Tell All—bring ya boxing gloves!

The next day is the 2:1 between Emily and Olivia and going into it, I thought that Emily was a dead man walking.  Ben and Emily get along well, but don’t seem to have a romantic chemistry and at this point in the game, that’s worrisome.   Olivia makes a joke that she and Emily are the same age but that she feels like her mother and YEAH YA DO with your dumpy clothes and bad taste. The match up truly looks like the fight of the century: 

The trio hops on a boat and braves some rough waves (buns all around, ladies! Do you know how much conditioner you’ll need to undo these tangles later?) as they make their way to an empty island for a date that consists of sitting around and drinking (well, most dates do, but it just feels weird to schelp so far into a hurricane for that activitiy, ya know?).

Olivia and Ben have some alone time during which she rambles about herself and claims to both be an introvert (doesn’t seem like it) but also extremely intimidating and confident yet grounded. I was ready to hear her end with “and I’m extremely humble” but instead, she ended her bizarre monologue by telling Ben that she’s in love with him, which is the Hail Mary Pass of Bachelor conversation moves.  Again, Ben Higgins can smell a rat and he seems completely uninspired by her confession of love.

Ben and Emily have some alone time during which she delivers an extremely enthusiastic diatribe from behind a curtain of hair and soon it’s time for Ben to give the rose to one lucky lady. He plucks the rose from its spot and asks Olivia to walk down the beach with him, with all signs pointing to Olivia being given this rose and Emily being sent home.

BUT WAIT!

Olivia’s open-mouthed grin disappears as Ben clutches the rose and says that he simply CANNOT give it to her because he can’t reciprocate her feelings. Who could have predicted that Olivia—the girl who has been referring to Ben as her “husband” all season--would leave with a whimper and not a bang? Ben walks back to Emily and gives her the rose as she squeals loud enough for Olivia to hear. Sometimes, The Bachelor is pure poetry. Ben and Emily hop a boat out of there while Olivia stands alone on the shoreline and a helicopter shot captures her heartbreak. 

Back at the hotel room, the ladies are stunned and relieved. It wasn’t a celebration quite like we saw when snug know-it-all Kelsey was sent home from Farmer Chris’s season (Badlands), but it was still notable.

Finally, it’s cocktail party time and everyone is wound up, even moreso when Ben cancels the cocktail party because he’s emotionally exhausted.  We’re going straight into the rose ceremony and Caila, Emily, and Amanda already have roses. Then Ben gives roses to…

-Becca (whose white dress is gorgeous against her tan skin and perpetually sleepy eyes)

-Jojo (whose style is top notch, including this army print, backless filmy number)

SO THEN WE ARE DOWN TO LAUREN H. VS. LAUREN B. 

A match-up unparalleled since the legendary Vegas Vs. Talbots bout earlier in the episode.

Who gets the rose? 

-Lauren B. (looking great in a flowy dress, beachy waves)

So Lauren H. is going home, which didn’t surprise me at all. She and Ben had fun, but also didn’t seem to have much romantic chemistry there. And with Lauren H.’s tear-stained departure, Lauren B. becomes LAUREN. Congratulations, girl! The last Lauren standing. But not the last woman standing.

If you want to hear me and my pal Dava run our mouths about The Bachelor, check out our podcast The Fantasy Suite here. 

Next week, ABC is giving us 2 nights of Bachelor: A Bachelor 20^th anniversary celebration on Sunday then a new episode on Monday. If you overdose on Bach, does your tongue taste metallic like with a Pine Nut overdose? We’ll soon find out!  

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 5: Teen Mom Dramz

When we all first started this journey of watching 20 somethings talking about journeys, I never thought that I’d feel an intense kinship with a 20-nothing teetotaler twin from Las Vegas, but last night Emily won my heart with her white hot hatred for Olivia and her repeated reminders that Olivia has bad breath. Who knew that a shared hatred for a stank breathed bully can indeed a friendship make?

ME + EMILY = BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! 

But let’s start at the beginning—we’re in Mexico and all Bachelor participants are required to shout “Viva La Mexico” at the camera multiple times!  There are 11 girls left and they storm the Four Seasons Mexico City suite like they have never seen a queen sized bed before. The first date card goes to 25 year-old divorcee and mother of 2, Amanda (she’s nothing if not efficient). The Bachelor again becomes like sorority pledging when Ben surprises the ladies in the middle of the night with an unexpected wake-up call (“line up in the Glen and recite all of the sisters' birthdays, pledges!!”). Ben arrives at 4:20 am (heh heh) but he’s no there to get high, he’s there to pick up Amanda (who just HAPPENED to sleep in a full face of make up) so that they can get high in the sky in a hot air balloon! I’m having flashbacks to when Farmer Chris picked up Britt for the exact same date and she ALSO slept in a face full of make up! Life is a circle of repeated bullshit! Wheeee!  It really IS Groundhog Day! 

Ben and Amanda go up in a hot air balloon and look down at the Mexican ruins then enjoy a picnic in a field where they both talk in circles about how they’d like to get to know each other better, but they don’t take any steps to actually DO that.

That night Amanda rocks a beautiful, black cocktail dress with geometric cut outs in the front and perfect hair (what’s new) as she tells Ben about her failed marriage (a super sad story and a deluge of “likes”). She had her first child when she was 22 and married that guy 6 months later, but there were always red flags and “he had other priorities” (read: dude was immature cheater who would rather party than settled down at the age of 22).  She got pregnant again and then found his cell phone with texts from ex-gifrlfriends and girls from dating sites. Oof.  Ben is, as always, really sympathetic and sweet (I’m drinking the Ben H. Kool Aid AND I LIKE IT) and is flabbergasted that any guy could not wrap up Amanda and her sweet daughters. Ben gives her a rose and then they make out while standing next to a reflecting pool that makes them both look like they are standing IN said pool OR they both had their legs cut off at the shins. ROMANCE!

Up next is a group date and Olivia thinks she’s too good for it, despite being on it. The gang is Jubilee (who is feeling anxious), Becca (who continues to resemble a Floridian grandmother out on the lanai), Jojo (whose style is amazing), Caila (who doesn’t really excite me), Emily (who should be receiving my BFF heart locket by mail any day now), Lauren B. (who is sweet and cool), Jennifer (who is a nap of a human), Leah (whose eyebrows inspire both my love and my hatred), and Olivia (whose cankles accentuate her bad breath). 

The date is a Spanish class and Spanish cooking at a restaurant and Becca’s look is “insane Boca Raton retiree” (that bold patterned dress shirt thing? That half up/half down topknot? WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE?). As usual, Jubilee’s insecurity manifests in flippant comments and Olivia is the whitest white woman I have ever seen.

The crew heads into a huge market to meet Nico and Lula, brother and sister (with hipster style) who own a local Mexican restaurant and will be supervising this cooking challenge.

This photo doesn't capture his pointy edged mustache and her braids, but trust me--these two look like hipster twins 

Everyone must pair up (and Olivia elbows Jubilee out of a pairing with Ben), shop for ingredients, and then cook a Spanish dish to be judged by the hipster siblings.  During the cooking portion, everyone seems to be having fun except for Jubilee who is understandably perturbed that Olivia is essentially getting a 1:1 date out of this. The Hipster Twins (this name gets more official every time I use it) judge all of the plates and declare Jubilee and Lauren B.’s dish the winner saying, “when you know how to cook, you’re ready to get married” (oh is that when? Not when you find a partner who supports and validates you while also enabling you to preserve some modicum of independence? WHAT DO I KNOW?).

That night they get dressed up for an after party and Ben can barely squeak out “great cooking today, ladies” before Olivia snatches him away. The Bachelor producers give us a serious cankle shot as Ben and Olivia descend a few stairs and sit down to talk and reconnect. Lauren B. is rocking white separates (for the 2^nd time!) and Ben leads her outside for a street side make-out and chat. Jubilee is becoming increasingly anxious and when Ben finally grabs her, she refuses to hold his hand. Ouch. She does so out of respect for the other women and while that’s a super kind instinct, she’s shooting herself in the foot. Ben and Jubilee have an intense conversation and he says that he doesn’t think that they have a strong enough foundation to build on anymore, then offers to walk her out. That escalated QUICKLY. Jubilee looks gorgeous and holds it together as she exits, then weeps in the interview room saying “I’m the most unlovable person in the world right now.” Oh, sweet girl, what you need in your life is a good therapist—not a boyfriend. Take a page from Lace and focus on loving yourself for a little while.

Ben returns to the ladies and explains what happened with Jubilee, but is interrupted by Jojo (which I found slightly inappropriate) because this romance train has gotta keep moving down the track.  They have a nice conversation but it’s Olivia (who Ben describes as “someone who struggled for a while” HA!) who wins the rose.

The next day is Lauren H. and Ben’s 1:1 date and it’s all about fashion. They try on clothes, chat with designers for Mexico Fashion Week, and ultimately walk IN a fashion show. Backstage, Lauren asks the models how long they have been in the industry (“4 years,” “6 years”) and tells them that she’s on DAY ONE in the industry! HONK! She reminded me of that guy who does standup ONE TIME and has some serious beginner's luck, then tries to hang out with those of us who have been at it for around a decade. Sit down, Lauren H., the adults are talking.

Ben resembled a poor man's Enrique Iglesias while on the runway.  I LIKE IT! 

Over dinner, Lauren H. tells Ben about her 4 year relationship that ended because he was cheating on her (ouch) with 3 different girls (double ouch), 1 of whom was a friend (TRIPLE ouch) and, Bachelor Nation, I think we have found the underlying theme of this season: EVRERY GIRL ON THE SHOW HAS BEEN CHEATED ON!  It’s uncanny. Lauren H. talks about how she actively chooses to be happy now and I appreciate that sentiment and admire her worldview, but still find her a little bit “aww shucks” corny. Ben walks and Lauren clomps out of the dinner (seriously girl walks like Big Foot), she scores a rose, and they awkwardly make out in the street.  She won’t make it to the final four—mark my words.

The next day it’s cocktail party/rose ceremony time and everyone looks fierce except Olivia. Becca and Emily are both wearing sparkly disco numbers,  Jennifer is masking her drab personality with a gorgeous fuscia frock, and Jojo’s filmy, white dress is a bold choice that pays off (especially because of the pink lip).  Olivia’s red dress is very David’s Bridal (in the words of my wonderful pal and Fantasy Suite co-host Dava Krause) and as Amanda is talking about babysitting arrangements for her daughter, Olivia chimes in that this conversation reminds her of the TV show “Teen Mom” then fails to understand why that comment stunned the ladies. She cries crocodile tears and says “I’m trying” because a producer probably told her that a person with a heart or emotions would react that way. 

The women have had enough and they each confront Ben—Emily (great work, girl), Amanda (who has felt targeted and judged by Olivia since day 1), and even snoozefest Jennifer!  Emily remarks that she’s not sure how Ben can be drawn to her AND be drawn to a person like Olivia. (BACHELOR DEEP CUT: That love triangle reminded me of the wonderful Ali Fedotowsky during Jake’s season with regard to Vienna—who’s with me?)  Unlike floppy haired Ben Flajnik from his trainwreck of a season, Ben Higgins listens to the women, trusts their judgment, and wonders if he’s not seeing the real Olivia.  So just as the Chris Harrison is about to whisk Ben away to start the rose ceremony, Ben pulls Olivia aside for a conversation and everyone is stunned. Will Ben revoke her rose and send her home? Can he do that? Are there any rules on The Bachelor OR in love? The Bachelor producers leave us hanging with a “To Be Continued” cliffhanger and I CANNOT WAIT 7 DAYS TO WATCH OLIVIA’S DEMISE!!  What do you think will happen, dear readers?  

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 4: There IS Justice In the World

My middle sister Laurel and I have always said that the Coppock family is a family that loves justice.  We have a hard time sitting idly by and watching injustice occur—we seek justice and think that fairness is important. Which is why Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor was so delicious.  Mercury may be in retrograde (at least until midnight Monday night) but damned if episode 4 didn’t make things seem right in the world. 

The episode kicks off with the ladies “casually” hanging around in the Bachelor mansion saying that the vibe has changed.  Chris Harrison appears and says that their next destination is “the marriage capital of the world” (Salt Lake City, Utah for those Mormon brides? Appalachia for those child brides?)—LAS VEGAS!  More like the divorce capital of the world, am I right, Britney Spears? 

The ladies walk around the Vegas Strip and come upon a giant sign that says “Welcome to Vegas. I can’t wait to see you –Ben.” The women find this gesture WILDLY romantic and head back to their gorgeous suite in the Aria hotel.  The twins make use of the fitness center and “work out” by sharing a treadmill and walking slowly at a zero incline.  Keep up the hard work, Parent Trap!

Jojo scores the first date card (“you set my heart on fire”) and with that text, I’m hoping that they are going to see the live show of Backdraft (yes that’s a Waiting for Guffman reference, Corky St. Clair!).  Jojo gets ready and when Ben picks her up from the suite, Olivia is giving serious bitch face. In her interview, Olivia says “Ben is like, my piece—I’m Zen with Ben—I’m good.” Wow--I haven’t heard anyone refer to anyone as “their piece” since middle school.  Jojo and Ben sip champagne on a helipad and then their helicopter lands nearly on top of them, knocking over their glasses, then their table, and forcing them to run for cover from the whipping winds.  Jojo’s flowy black shirt is nearly ripped off of her and they make out behind the upturned table like two army privates sucking face in the trenches.  Jojo asks Ben “how does my hair look?” which was one of the more relatable moments of the episode. The ladies in the suite above watch it all unfold and can’t stop rubbernecking until someone finally states the obvious “are we watching them kiss?” and they scatter into their respective beds to cry and stare at the ceiling. 

That night Ben and Jojo get dressed up and eat dinner inside a suite at the MGM Grand. Jojo is rocking a fierce black, fancy jumper (very American Hustle—I love it) and they chat over “dinner” (drinks and probably prop food since it never gets touched).  Jojo says that she wants to open up to Ben and share the things from her past that make her cautious today, but her “big reveal” is a strangely vague, hard-to-follow situation.  She doesn’t even use a pronoun!  She says that she ended her last relationship 5 months ago (after a year and a half together) because she wasn’t the only person with "this person" (huh?) and that situation gave her trust issues. Ben asks if she was cheated on and she somehow avoids answering it, preferring to only say that this vague situation has made her cautious.  Huh? There’s no there there. Either Jojo is hiding a VERY serious situation (was she a mistress like Ashley’s sister from Bach In Paradise?) OR that whole “big reveal” is a lie but she wants to have SOMETHING to “reveal” and she’s not good at lying so she keeps it vague (a rookie liar's mistake).  Who knows? Either way, her hair and fashion style RULE. Ben gives Jojo a rose then leads her out on the deck where they watch a fireworks display that was set up just for them.  The fireworks are being set off from the roof of the Aria hotel directly on top of the other concubines—I mean, ladies. There’s no more brutal way to experience fireworks than to FEEL them but not SEE them and know that somewhere nearby, your boyfriend is making out with your friend while watching those same fireworks.  It’s like a sad, creepy “Somewhere Out There.” 

Up next is a group date and the gang is Amanda (valley girl mama), Jubilee (a woman of MANY talents, we soon learn), Caila (that hair!), Lauren B (blonde dream girl), Amber (ugh—she’s still here?), Haley (one of the twins), Emily (the better twin), Leah (a blondie that I LOVE), Lauren H (a blondie that I HATE), Jennifer (wake me when she’s gone), Rachel (unemployed Arkansan who has made ZERO waves), and a girl who thinks she’s too good for group dates, Olivia. 

The date card said “show me what you got” and no, that doesn’t mean a wet T-shirt contest (sorry, boyfriends/husbands who were forced to join Bachelor Nation), but rather, a talent show!  Ben and the ladies enter the gorgeous Vegas showroom of Terry Fator, a man who describes himself as a guy who “does impressions of singers through puppets without moving my lips.” I believe there’s a word for that, Terry, and it’s VENTRILOQUIST.  In between making puppet Elvis call the girls “sexy,” Terry informs them that they will each be performing a talent in front of 1,200 people as his opening act tonight.  We quickly discover that almost none of these girls have any talent, save for the twins who do Irish step dancing (impressive) and Jubilee who plays the cello (more impressive).  Everyone else does silly tricks (juggling, hula hooping) except for Olivia who seems to think that being pretty is a “talent” so she dons a slinky showgirl outfit (garters and everything! How ya like that, 1,200 Americans who paid money to watch a funny ventriloquist?) and emerges from a giant cake.  Her plan was to basically wing it, with some “shimmy shimmy” and kicks (as she described it) and it was PAINFUL to watch.  Deliciously painful. Call me Justice League cause I LOVE watching the intimidating, mean spirited bully EAT SHIT before a crowd of 1,200 horrified onlookers. The icing on the cake is that after her cringe-worthy performance, she got zinged by a puppet! Bless you, Terry Fator.

This seemed like such a great idea mere moments ago!

Is this seriously happening?

Dear God. I'm FROM here and this is brutal.

Post-show the ladies are toasting their fun opening acts and Olivia LOSES IT, which was also fun to witness.  She is mortified because she gambled and lost with that performance and now she fears that Ben doesn’t see her as “marriage material.”  Girl, it’s not that you’re no longer marriage material, you’re just hella corny.  Olivia plays the card that embarrassed Bachelor participants LOVE to play—she “hyperventilates” and has a “panic attack” (I am sure that these are REAL things that CAN happen to SOME PEOPLE but I am also sure that they were NOT happening to Olivia at that moment). 

That night the afterparty Ben refers to lovely Caila as a “sex panther,” Lauren H. kisses the weird “Little Ben” puppet, and Olivia tries to frame her horrific performance as “getting out of my comfort zone” and she ended up being “awkward  and not sexy—that’s me.” Ben basically won’t have it and keeps saying, “what you talking about? Today was great” which was kind of him (to downplay it) but you could tell that the spark is GONE between them.  Their conversation is disrupted by Haley, and Olivia wanders off, bewildered as to how she is feeling.  What is going on here!? This feels strange? I am NOT BEING WORSHIPPED? I don’t like this! I shall chew on my fingers!

Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Also, girl, I highly encourage you to get a warmer blonde color in your hair—that drab, cool, grey-ish blonde is doing NOTHING for you. 

Later, Olivia gets 1:1 time with Ben, during which she apologizes more, awkwardly dances/snaps, and generally acts THIRSTY AS HELL.  The group date ends with Ben giving Lauren B. a rose (she’s looking great in light separates and heels) as Olivia looks on and says that “it hurts my brain.”  God I love this show. 

The next day Becca gets a 1:1 with Ben and it starts with a wedding dress being delivered to the suite as Jubilee jokes, “she’s the perfect person to wear white.” Becca gets driven in a convertible (brutal on the hair) to the LittleWhite Chapel where Ben is waiting for her on bended knee, asking, “Becca, will you marry… other people with me today?” It’s a misdirection and he’s an ordained officiant who can legally marry people! Line up, Bachelor Nation fans, and break our your best Tuxedo T-shirts cause Ben + Becca are going to marry you off in front of a camera!  Bachelor producers have finally figured out how to have this show result in marriages: Bring in randos who want to get married! 

That night, Ben and Becca go to the Neon Graveyard in Las Vegas and have a heart-to-heart during which they talk about their faith, virginity, and commitment.  Those two kids have a strong connection and Becca scores a rose.   

The next day we have a mini hometown date for twins Haley and Emily, since they’re from Las Vegas and their equally blonde mother lives nearby with a ton of small dogs. Ben chats with each girl individually while surrounded by PINK body spray and photos of their ex-boyfriends, then he sits down with their mother. She’s a sweet and lovely women, but I haven’t seen that much bronzer on a face since my family held a Bronzer Intervention for me circa 2006.  Blonde Mama explains that Haley is more shy while Emily is more dominant and gregarious.  Ben picks Emily, the entire family ugly cries, then they leave and head back to the hotel for the cocktail party. At least Haley can nurse her broken heart at home with Tan Mom. 

The ladies are dressed up and Olivia’s plan to grab Ben right away is thwarted by snooze-a-thon Jennifer who snaps him up.  Olivia has fallen so far, it feels like watching a former NBA All Star who somehow can’t make a single basket now AND I LOVE IT.  Olivia eventually gets 1:1 time during which she assures Ben that she’s NOT insecure (yeah, and Lace wasn’t crazy) and Ben tells her to stop apologizing please. I love it, I love it, I love it!!!! 

Before you know it, it’s rose ceremony time and Becca, Jojo, and Lauren B. already have theirs.  Ben tells the gals that he belives his wife is standing there, then hands them out to:

-Amanda – mother of 3, cute red dress

-Lauren H. – bad accent blonde, cool back to her black dress but I generally dislike her

-Jubilee – nice black lacy dress

-Emily – funny twin, bold lip, niiiiiice

-Caila – sparkly white dress, looking great

-Jennifer – brunette in sparkly white dress (did Olivia say “SERIOUSLY?” quietly as Jennifer’s name was called? Did you catch that?)

-Leah – blonde, hot dress w/ cut outs that was Ice Capades-y but I love it

and coming in LAST, the dregs of the round,

-Olivia – grinning and saying “Benjamin, you’re sending me a message here—best for last, right?” Erm, no.

So who’s hopping a Greyound bus home?
Amber (who sealed her fate last week when she cornered Jubilee in a bathroom and told her to stop crying so that she could insult her) and Rachel (who perhaps shouldn’t have said she was “unemployed” but rather, “freelance journalist” or something?). 

Up next the gang heads down to Mexico where everyone is thirsty for Coronas and Olivia is just plain thirsty.