Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 6: I Quit Team Ian

Hi Lovebugs!

As of this morning, I'm doing super quick, fun recaps of The Bachelorette for AOL Rise.  Check out my first ep here!

I'll still be getting into the nitty gritty here on my blog and lawdy lawdy were there some gritty moments in last night's episode! Tantrums! Adolescent crooners! Fireworks!

We resumed in New York City with Nick (2nd runner up on Ombre DA Andi's season) joining the guys in their hotel suite.  They were NOT welcoming and Joshua and Tanner were especially harsh to Nick.  Joshua grills Nick by asking "is she a cool chick or an amazing woman to you?" which is sweet, I guess, but pretty unnecessary.  Nick explains that he and Kaitlyn connected on social media and then texted and talked on the phone (which is more than Kaitlyn lead us to believe) but I'm SURE there was more going on.  Nick is a weasel, but I'll admit that he handled himself well in the face of 14 angry guys.

They suit up and head to Citi Field where the Mets regularly lose and a some of these suitors are going to lose, too.  Kaitlyn rocks a sparkly dress, black tights, and boots (great look) and JJ wisely leads her down to the field to run the bases.  I still hate JJ and his pink socks made me groan, but that was a pretty good move.  Most of the other guys waste their 1:1 time with Kaitlyn by talking about Nick and I want to tell them to keep their eyes on their own paper!  As I learned when an old crush started dating a girl who was legendary for having NO PERSONALITY, you can't always make sense of these things. Stop trying to figure it out and just keep on living.  (Yes, I sound like a female Matthew McConaughey with my JKLiving mantra, but seriously, do it.)

Soon it's time for a rose ceremony and freezing temperatures be damned, they're doing it on the baseball diamond.  A few guys already have roses--Jared (RI restaurant manager who is all about Kaitlyn), Cupcake (total dweeb), and Justin (who earned a rose mostly for saying that he was fine with Nick joining the show), so who else get a rose through chattered teeth?
Ben H. - highly forgettable
Ben Z. - beefcake dreamboat
Shawn - looks more like a male Robyn with each day
Tanner - only here to provide comic relief
Joe - squished face
Ian - the man I loved until the end of the episode when I quit Team Ian
JJ - nice pink socks, former Investment Banker
Joshua - welder who is way too curious about Nick
Nick - the final rose for the new guy!
So Jonathan (Miami Vice Color Me Badd), Corey (hot Rick Perry) and glasses Ryan are heading home and there are no surprises there.  None were contenders.  We learned an important lesson at Citi Field--it's impossible to look sexy when you are freezing.

The party train rolls on to San Antonio, TX where Tanner and Joshua continue to doubt Nick's motives and joke that this "isn't his first rodeo" (that joke works on many levels!).

Ben H. scores the first one-on-one and the date is a ride in a gorgeous, vintage truck to the oldest dance hall in America, a two-step lesson, a two-step contest, then dinner.  They lose the dance contest (of course) but have a great opportunity to make corny comments about how dancing is like a relationship, and aren't those sound bites what the show is truly about?  That night over dinner, Kaitlyn seems to think that Ben H. revealed more of himself to her, but all I got was that he had a long distance relationship before this one and apparently she said that he lost "the chase" but I'm not sure what he meant. Somehow, he impressed Kaitlyn and was given a rose then said that he's excited "for more time with Kaitlyn" but I'm pretty sure he meant to say "for more time on vacation."

The next day is a group date and the crew is Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua, and Nick.  Kaitlyn rocks a perfect denim shirt dress (who doesn't love a shirt dress?) and they are serenaded by a fantastic mariachi band lead by a 12 year old heartbreaker.  The guys break off and write their own mariachi songs, then serenade Kaitlyn in public.  JJ plays his own guitar and sucks, Joe goes in for a kiss (smart move), and Ian take the whole thing much too seriously and then chokes.  Ouch. Nick leads Kaitlyn up to a balcony to serenade her from a better spot, sings about his erection, and leads everyone to admit that he was the best performance of the day.  

At the cocktail party that night, Joshua decides to ask Kaitlyn to give him a hair cut (because when I go on a date with an accountant I'm always like, "I brought this sack of receipts--would you mind organizing my books before our entrees arrive?") and she manages to give him half a mohawk before the buzzer cuts out.  He looks awful and is consumed by his hatred for Nick.  You know you're a psychopath when friggin' JJ describes you as a "ticking bomb."  During his alone time with Kaitlyn, Nick says that she has a great group of guy and it seems like things have calmed down among the dudes.  Joshua squeezes in more 1:1 time with Kaitlyn during which he says that ALL of the guys hate Nick, to which Kaitlyn responds, "so everyone is lying to my face?"  I'm sure this is NOT how Joshua was hoping this conversation would go.  It only gets worse from there when Joshua returns to the guys and blatantly lies to them (saying he was in an interview, not with Kaitlyn) then Kaitlyn confronts the entire group and no one speaks up when she asks if everyone has been lying got her and if they all hate Nick (how damn awkward for Nick?).  No one says boo and Joshua feels like an IDIOT and accuses everyone else of lying.  I must again give JJ props for the best sound bite of the night: "the only liar in the room is the one accusing us all of being liars." But Joshua is not the biggest idiot of the episode, surprisingly.  Nick gets a rose and the seating arrangement is positively poetic. 

See that guy looking forlorn in the background as Nick gets his rose?
That's Joshua who dug his own grave moments earlier.
The next day Shawn (some say Ryan Gosling look-alike, I say that's very generous) and Kaitlyn go kayaking, have a picnic, and in Shawn's unmistakeable monotone he tells her that he's "happy to be here" and then, apropos of nothing, launches in on a story about hating seat belts but wearing one this one time and THAT one time was when he got in a car accident.  I'm sure it's true, didn't it sounds like an urban legend?  He walked away from that car accident A OK, but somehow this is what he trots out to give himself depth.  Whatevs, bro.  He scores a rose. 

Meanwhile, back at home my favorite hottie Ian is falling apart and I promptly revoked my membership to Team Ian.  Ian says that he should be The Bachelor, that Kaitlyn doesn't understand who he is and "who I am is a gift you unwrap for life" (has someone been reading self help books? And how many layers of wrapping paper are on you?), and makes the below-the-belt comment that Kaitlyn isn't "half as hot as my ex-girlfriend."  And that matters HOW? The girl who you think isn't half as hot as your ex-GF is making YOU feel insecure, so deal with it, Princeton. 

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn is in a stunning purple dress and silver heels and Ian is chomping at the bit to "leave it all on the table" when he says that he came here hoping to meet "the girl who had her heart broken, not the girl who wanted to get her field plowed" (you're describing the same girl! She CAN be both! And why would you WANT to meet a girl who is heartsick over another guy? Do you like wounded women? Blech).  Kaitlyn sits in silence as Ian embarrasses himself in front of America and refers to the other guys as "lames" (spoken like a true Soc, bro) and ABC leaves us wanting more with the 'ole "To Be Continued" screen.  Wow.  

Was anyone else stunned by the revelation that Ian's a complete dick? I did NOT see that one coming! 

1 comment:

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