Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Bach Sean FINALE

Jazzy cats!!

I'm sure that you watched the 3 hour Bach extravaganza last night and watched the silver vs. gold show down between Lindsay (in a silver dress that looked like it was borrowed from a late 90s sorority formal and purchased at Deb or Rave) and Catherine (in a gorgeous, gold, one shoulder gown--my fave--and serious heels). 

By now, you know that Catherine, the west coast graphic designer whose father battles depression came out "on top" (yikes, just stumbled into some sexual innuendo there, I think) and won Sean's heart.  Lindsay cried, Chris Harrison repeatedly called the events "historic" and "unprecedented" and America watched.  I'll write a full recap this week, so stay tuned.  Until then, enjoy this photo of Sean  representing the red (shorts), white (watch), and blue (tank top) in the wilds of Thailand.  AMERICA!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Bach Amigos!

On Monday we experienced the women tell all and I'm going to pull a reverse Chris Harrison and say that it was the LEAST exciting Women Tell All in Bachelor history!  The ladies hardly even interrupted each other!  Everyone was so damn polite! What the eeeefffff, ABC!?

The episode started off with Sean and his new best friend Chris Harrison (who is newly divorced and should not only host the next season of Bach, but friggity whack BE the next Bach! Now that would be UNPRECEDENTED!) crashing Bachelor viewing parties around Los Angeles.  Remember how much Oprah's audience members would go NUTS when she'd inform them that they were each getting a new car?  That freak out has got NOTHING on how ladies react when Bach Sean strolls into their Bachelor viewing parties carrying red roses.  LADIES WENT NUTZZZZ, especially sorority ladies.  In a sorority house at UCLA, the women surrounded Sean, chanted "take off your shirt!" and Sean obliged.  It was quite a gender swap from a normal Greek party situation and I kinda loved it.  

Then we were in the studio where a handful of the rejected ladies were coiffed and ready for their last appearance in the Bach spotlight.  Who was there?

-Ashley P. (50 Shades of WAAAAY outta line and why are they bringing back a tool who went home on night 1?)
-Diana (hairdresser with a tyke at home)
-Brooke (Betty Boop style girl who didn't do much on the show but managed to eek out some air time in this episode by playing Devil's advocate.  Ya know who doesn't need an advocate, Brooke?  THE DEVIL?  Also, cute red jumpsuit)
-Daniella (aka Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie)
-Jackie (used to be a redhead, now a brunette. I CALLED IT! Hers was the first of many rad hair changes.)
-Kacie B. (Lordy Lordy Lord you again? For Kacie B. this episode must have felt like an attorney with her own successful practice sitting in on an LSAT review bitch session.) 
-Leslie H. (the moron whose favorite movie is "Pretty Woman." She gives good bitch face, though.)
-Kristy (the "model" from Wisconsin who is pretty, but needs to SIT DOWN about it.)
-Taryn (was a platinum blonde during the season, now an ombre with darker roots, blonde tips. Another rad hair transformation.)
-Katie (I can't even. Please. Just... someone... get her some conditioner goodness gracious!)

-Amanda (wackadoo chick who wore ill-fitting J. Crew outfits at every turn)
-Selma (beautiful brunette who was a lil high-maintenance)
-Robyn (back flip girl who has a fresh bob haircut--nice work!)
-Sarah (1 arm sweet thing who won America's heart and brought me to tears AGAIN.)
-Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes whose parents are sweet, brother is a tattooed vagrant psychopath)
-Lesley M (Arkansas wearing a Razorback red dress & red lips. Nice!)
-AshLee (another ombre beauty! Though I could have done without the bandage dress.  2010 is over--can we retire those dresses please?)
And of course Tierra was there, but not seated with the other women.  She was probably sitting somewhere on a cot in a hallway. 

Chris Harrison kicks things out by talking about the common enemy of the house: Tierra.  Selma says that she tried to help Tierra early on, advising he to "hide her crazy" and apparently AshLee and Tierra were friendly at first.  Brooke defended Tierra (a cheap but successful way to get a word in edgewise on The Women Tell All).  Chris explains that Tierra is backstage (where we saw a clip of her doing her patented perfume swirl) and she's coming out.  Tierra comes out with hair a bit darker, a dress with an underboob cut-out panel (not a good idea on anyone, much less anyone curvy), and a BIG diamond engagement ring (cause remember her ominous warning that she could get engaged anytime she wants to!!!) 

Chris pulls no punches, asking Tierra if she imagined that she'd be "that girl" in the house.  She rambles on about how she brings light and joy everywhere she goes and other women try to put out her light (do they put it under a bushel, Tierra?).  She says that she didn't go on The Bachelor to make friends YET she resents the other women for thinking that she didn't go there to make friends.  Huh?  The more important take away from Tierra's monologue was this: as a child, Tierra won the title of Little Miss Nevada.  OF COURSE SHE DID.  She's like a walking PSA for the terrible after effects that child beauty pageants can have on a person. 
Mark my words, Honey Boo Boo will be the girl who everybody hates on the 2021 season of The Bachelor. And Chris Harrison will still be talking about how unprecedented everything is.

After Tierra is done being unrepentant, she does at 180 and apologizes, saying that she was scared of the whole situation.  The ladies response to Tierra can best be shown in Lesley's facial expression:

                                                          "Ummm.... a skyooooze me?"

Then we hear from Sarah and Desiree, who were both disappointed by their rejection but have gotten over it.  I wish I could say the same for sweet AshLee.  AshLee is looking beautiful and I love her light blonde bottom layers, but she still wants some sort of logical explanation from Sean.  GIRL!  Have you never been dumped before!? Sometimes it's illogical, sometimes it hurts like hell, sometimes the dude straight-up lies but all you can do is MOVE ON.  You don't need to be right and Lord knows the dude is never going to admit he was a schmuck.  Sean came out and AshLee spent SO MUCH TIME berating him for lying to her and misleading her.  She seems to think that she can argue and pester her way back into Sean's heart and I wish that Dr. Phil had been there to tell her that she needs to accept the reality of what is happening.  I friggin' LOVE the no-nonsense, tough love of Dr. Phil McGraw and I think he would have set AshLee straight.  I'm sure that Selma was sitting there wishing that AshLee would do a better job of hiding her crazy. 

Overall, not the most exciting "Women Tell All" episode in Bach history, despite what Chris Harrison might say. 

The episode ended with a montage of a producer's dog and the dog was certainly cute... but a full montage to end the episode? Huh?  Judges, will we accept that?   

Next week is the finale, which will be a 3 hour Bach extravaganza in which either Catherine or Lindsay will be chosen OR NEITHER WILL!  You never know what's going to happen on Bach, right Chris?

Friday, March 1, 2013

Bach Sean Recap 9: Thailand Triumvirate

Sweet pussycats!

I have been derelict in my duty to report to you the goings-on of Bach Sean and his remaining trio of bikini-ready brunette beauties (pour some out for the blonde gals we have lost this season, wouldja?).  My apologies.  I got back from LA on Monday night (after a DOOZY of a flight involving tons of screaming/crying children and a lot of VERY smelly people) then I had shows every night this week.  Mama needs to tell her jokes, kiddos!  But when she does, she can't Bach recap so quick.  Deal with it!

So we're down to 3: Lindsay (wedding dress 24 year old), Catherine (26 year old who likes to tell America facts about her father's crippling depression), and my favorite gal AshLee (32 year old gorgeous Texan with awesome hair who can do no wrong and deserves more happiness than anyone else in the world). Oh, and errrrybody's in Thailand.  (I wonder if they actually drink delicious Thai Iced Tea in Thailand, or if it's like Long Island Iced Tea where... well... no, I'd bet that Long Island residents get rowdy with their LITs, so please ignore this parenthetical aside.  Back to Bach talk!)

Lindsay gets the first 1:1 date and she's in a cute, flowy skirt and white tank top--looking good, despite the heat & humidity!  Lindsay and Sean ride in a little cart powered by a low budget moped and arrive at an outdoor bazaar.  On the way, Lindsay said that she'll eat anything except bugs.  Well guess what's on the menu, Wedding Dress Boozehound Lindsay? BUGS! WHY oh WHY do they keep pushing these girls to go outside their comfort zones!?  I'll stay right here inside my comfort zone where there's a Dunkin' Donuts on every corner and my colorist is always available, thank you very much!  Because she's eager to please Sean and avoid a fight on national TV, Lindsay puts back grubs and grasshoppers and I am absolutely horrified.  Then they don swimsuits and go to a beach where they feed monkeys. MONKEYS! Oh my goodness is there anything cuter than a monkey? NO! Look at this little amigo who expression seems to say, "Sean, was it really necessary to make your would-be bride eat bugs?"

That night, the couple gets dressed up for dinner and Lindsay must have stolen dresses off the set of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" because her white get-up just screams 1991.  They talk and watch Thai dancers, then head back to the Fantasy Suite where Lindsay tells Sean that she loves him and Sean responds, "thanks." 

Up next is AshLee's 1:1 date and yes, there are more personal challenges and forced pushes out of comfort zones--blech.  AshLee admits that she's "not sure where Sean's head is at" and she's also not sure how to avoid dangling prepositions.  Oh gurl, I love ya though.  Sean and AshLee ride on a boat, then swim through a dark cave and that 5 minutes spent Doggy Paddling is a metaphor for how AshLee needs to work through her issues with abandonment blah blah blah.  That night they eat a candle lit dinner in a pagoda on the beach (very cute) and have a great conversation about how they're both still single at 32 and their family/friends think that they are like aliens because of that fact.  I feel ya, Sean and Ash! (Can I call you Ash?)  They go back to the Fantasy Suite JUST TO TALK where AshLee says that she likes cushion cut diamonds or something (I don't know diamond jargon) and her ring size is 6.5.  Now that's chutzpah.

The final 1:1 date is Catherine and Sean and they do some boat riding, too.  Catherine makes a Titanic joke (why do people insist on making jokes about the WORST boating accident in history EVERY time they are on boats?) and keeps saying that she's weird and super nerdy.  They strip down to swimsuits (and Catherine is rocking a 2 color bikini, which I adore), then back flip into the water.  They swim to shallow water and it starts raining, then they kiss in the rain (what is this, a hit single from fall of 1997 that I was obsessed with in high school?).  That night they have dinner and talk about where they see themselves in 5 years (like you do on an early date/job interview) and Catherine says no dice on the Fantasy Suit because she wants to be seen as "a lady."  I'll admit that AshLee and Catherine's discomfort with the implication of the Fantasy Suite (HUMP DOWN!) is actually really refreshing.  Go girls!  Catherine and Sean go back to the suite to talk and she refers to Sean as "such a hunk"which is corny but endearing.

The next shot is Chris Harrison back at the Bachelor mansion introducing an SHAMELESS promotion for some Wizard of Oz thing that ABC is broadcasting.  I fast forwarded so I have no idea what that was about.  If it's not the original or The Wiz, I'm not interested. 

Finally it's rejection/love time and it's drizzling out, so I fear for the ladies hair. The girls arrive with cute Thai parasols to protect their domes though, thank God.  Lindsay is in a cute blue dress with a mullet style bottom (shorter in front, longer in back).  Catherine is in a salmon sundress and says that Sean "gives her the wiggles" when she thinks about him (she crossed a line of corniness now--it's just too much).  AshLee is wearing a gorgeous, statement necklace and a SKIMPY dress that looks more like nipple covers and pants.  Yowza. 

Sean says that this week is especially hard for him because this final 3 week was when Emily negged him back in that season (he used different phrasing, but you know what I mean).  Let's get to the good stuff.  The roses are handed out to...

Lindsay (you seriously think you could marry a 24 year old, Sean?)
Catherine (Titanic jokes don't sink Sean's heart... or something)

So sweet AshLee is going home.  She handles the rejection with aplomb, though, simply walking out of the rose ceremony and getting in the car.  Sean tries to follow her out and she asks him to simply stay there, but he insists.  As he tries to explain himself by the car, AshLee just stares at him and says nothing, then gets in the car.  GOOD GIRL!  Now THAT is how you get dropped on national TV and not come off looking like a complete loser.  Just keep it together and WALK AWAY. 

In the car, AshLee mostly holds it together and doesn't say much. She did say one very telling thing, though: that this was never a game to her, that it wasn't all about laughter and having fun.  Oh AshLee, I think that was your problem.  It's such a hard dance in Bach land--to try and just let things unfold without overthinking it, but also be somewhat smart about the whole thing. It's not easy. 

On Monday 3/4 is the infamous "Women Tell All" episode and I can't wait!  If Bach tradition holds, all of the rejected ladies will be coming back looking FIERCE and at least one gal will have changed her hair color.  I can't wait!