Friday, October 30, 2015

Lots of exciting updates!

Hi lovebugs!

As usual, I sorta fell off after the last season of The Bachelorette.  Man, every damn blog post I write after a break should start with that sentence, huh?  Anyher.

This week I had a bunch of cool stuff going on!

On Monday night on Fox Sports 1 (FS1 - Channel 400 in NYC) a documentary I was in aired!  It's called HATERS: Anatomy of a Rivalry and it was produced by Major League Baseball.  It explored 2 rivalries: New York Yankees/Boston Red Sox and L.A. Dodgers/San Francisco Giants and included fascinating interviews with psychologists about the nature of in groups and out groups and rivalry.  Very cool.  It came out great and thankfully, I didn't look like a complete Masshole nightmare.  Here are a few photos that I took of my own TV, which feels really weird, but hey, it works:

Pretty neat!  I've gotten some really nice tweets and messages about it.

Last night was the 8th annual Schtick or Treat, the Halloween comedy show in which NYC comedians parody other comedians.  I hadn't done it in a few years, but this year I had a fun idea so I participated in it last night at the Knitting Factory and it was a blast.  Time Out NY gave us some awesome coverage in advance of the big show and they included my photo and quote! Very rad.

Finally, a lovely podcast called Modern Stories Mix featured me in the latest episode! I tell a story about an ex-boyfriend who was a pro hockey goon and a wonderful guy.  Listen here.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Thank you, Bustle!

Online magazine Bustle has called my New York Times Wedding section parody twitter account "gloriously spot-on" and wrote a super fun piece about it.  Read the whole thing here.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Hello, loves!


After Kaitlyn's season of The Bachelorette wrapped up, I gave myself the summer off from recapping, though I've been turning into Bachelor In Paradise on occasion and tweeting.  I'm going to catch up on the last few episodes tonight and perhaps I'll write up a little recap and post here.

Overall it's been a lovely summer and I've enjoyed a lot of beach time, friend catch up time, fun shows, and random projects.  I just started a silly new twitter feed that's a parody version of the New York Times Weddings Section.  Check that out here and check out some lovely press that I got from TheFrisky here.

I'm fired up for the fall and eager to dive into some new projects with renewed focus.  I have a ton of awesome shows happening in September (check out the GIGS page) and as soon as ABC starts airing The Bachelor (with Ben "Endure My Blandness" Higgins at he helm) you better believe I'll be making jokes at his expense.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Finale

Last night was the Bachelorette Finale AND After the Final Rose and in the months between the taping of the finale and last night's live "After the Final Rose" SOMEBODY got a nose job.  Who?  More on that later.

For months my pal Natalie Shure has been encouraging me to real Reality Steve spoilers and see how the Bachelorette producers edit storylines to mislead viewers, but I've always been a Bach purist.  I want to watch the magic unfold without any outside information--just like a regular citizen of Bachelor Nation.  But I may change my ways after this. 

Last night kicked off with Kaitlyn's sweet, Canadian family arriving in Malibu where they met Nick and Shawn.  Her family seems fantastic and their frank talk about sex (there were repeated uses of the phrase "went too far") was pretty stunning and inspiring.  Her sister Haley seems fantastic and I love me some two tone hair (I'm rocking some right now, in fact), but hers was a little bit too skunk-like.  Every time they showed her on screen I kept feeling like I was watching Flower from Bambi: 

I'm from Canada and I'm on Team Shawn! 
Nick arrives first with flowers and wine and soon he is making subtle jabs at Andi ("last season I was there for the experience--to travel.  This season I was here for the girl.")  After some initial pleasantries, he is subject to the most awkward conversation of all time with Leslie, Kaitlyn's mom.  Leslie calls him possessive, jealous, and arrogant (from what she saw last season) and Nick charms her by crying and saying that he loves Kaitlyn and she's incredible.  Tears get 'em every time! After some conversation, Kaitlyn's parents both like Nick.  

The next day Shawn rolls up with flowers, wine AND a gift for the children of Haley (aka Sister Skunk)! Slam dunk, Connecticut! Apparently Kaitlyn had warned her family that Shawn wasn't especially well spoken (ouch, but I've been there) and Kaitlyn's father remarked that he was pleasantly surprised by how poised Shawn turned out to be.  Life is full of surprises--my future son-in-law can talk!  Sister Haley switches from Team Nick to Team Shawn after only knowing Shawn for an hour and in a move that made me literally clap, Shawn pulls aside BOTH of Kaitlyn's parents to ask their permission for him to propose. THANK YOU. Moms never get enough credit in the traditional marriage structure--usually the guy just asks the dad for permission and then the dad gets to walk the bride down the aisle. What about moms? Way to go, Shawn.  I may have said that you look like a knot and I'm definitely going to continue to talk shit about you, but that was a solid move.

Up next are the final dates.  Nick's final date with Kaitlyn is a day of cuddling on a boat, then an evening of making out by a fire.  Nick has a gift for Kaitlyn and it's a poem he wrote that made me positively BREAK OUT IN DUMB CHILLS.  I heard "there is a magic in your eyes" and had to put on my ear muffs.  Blech.

The next day is Kaitlyn and Shawn's final date and their awkwardness is palpable, which felt like a deliberate choice by the producers.  At every turn it seemed like Kaitlyn was going to pull a Desiree and burst into tears and dump the guy pre-rose ceremony.  But she held it together long enough to receive a Memory Jar from him, chock full of knick knacks and photos from their courtship.  It was cute, but all I could wonder is how the heck do you fly back to Canada with a giant, glass jar?  LOGISTICS got me all bugaboo!

Finally, it's proposal/heartbreak day and the boys each pick a ring courtesy of the diamond-peddler who makes house calls, Neil Lane.  Nick makes an awkward joke about how he was glad it was Neil Lane at the door and not Kaitlyn (because Andi dumped him in his hotel room last time) and, in retrospect, his relief was foolish. Hindsight is 20/20 and your reality TV heartbreak record is about to be 0 and 2, Nick.

The gang suits up:
Shawn in sexy black, Nick in blue and tan and those damn beaded bracelets (you made a wrong turn on your way to the Phish concert, kid) and Kaitlyn in a stunning Ice Capades-style blush gown (and normally I HATE beige and blush) that contrasts beautifully against her dark hair and dark eyes. In an unprecedented move, they're going to have the rose ceremony at the Bachelor Manse!  Dozens of party girls and fuck bois have peed into that pool and now two lovebirds will formalize their commitment right next to it.  I love romance!

Who rolls up first? NICK!! Bachelor Nation knows exactly what 1st arrival means: BYE BYE BYE.

Nick is about to be rejected on network television for the 2nd time!  One more rejection and your next Bachelorette is free, kiddo!  Nick dives into a mologue about his love for Kaitlyn and she stands there and takes it, blinking a lot and holding her blinks for a while.  Ouch.  Finally,  he goes to reach for the ring box and she stops him.  Ooof.  Kaitlyn stumbles as she attempts to give an explanation and Nick says that he simply doesn't want to hear it (which I can completely understand). She ends up talking about herself a lot, rather than complimenting him profusely (which is the move that most people pull when negging suitors on The Bachelorette) and he makes the cryptic remark "you took things from me" which struck me as odd. Usually Bach breakups are more sad than they are tense, but this one was very tense and uncomfortable.  Nick hops in the limo, throws off his claddah ring, and says "I'm the world's biggest joke."  Ouch.  You are, but still, ouch.

Shawn walks up and launches in on a tirade that I swear I've read on OKCupid before, describing Kaitlyn as his "best friend, team mate, partner in crime" (I nearly puked at that one.  I'm sorry but the "partner in crime" thing is so friggin' CORNY!  What are you, Bonnie and Clyde? NO, you aren't but get this--my late grandmother Fern was once babysat by Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde fame! Seriously!).  Kaitlyn messes with Shawn a bit saying that she has to be honest with him and tell him the truth and then pauses for a WHILE before saying she she is completely his.  Shawn gets down on a knee, Kaitlyn kisses him, and somewhere Neil Lane erupts in applause as we watch an OVERHEAD, slow shot of the diamond going onto Kaitlyn's ring finger.  They hug, kiss, make out.

But wait, there is YET MORE BACH to be watched!

Right after that sweet ending, we're ready for the "After the Final Rose" special and the happy couple is ready to talk to Chris Harrison about their love.  Kaitlyn's in a gorgeous, low cut, white dress and Shawn is rocking a straight up NEW NOSE!  I called it immediately, then doubted myself (maybe the studio lighting is better than the location lighting of the season), but thankfully my pal Kerri Doherty reached out and confirmed my suspicion.  Plastic surgery is totally cool with me--you do you.  But there's something I find a bit odd about a DUDE getting plastic surgery in between the final episode and "After the Final Rose" and I know, I'm a jerk who somehow finds it OK for women to get plastic surgery, but not men.  Shitty double standard on my part.  I just wonder what that nose job means for Shawn's post-Bachelorette plans--does he want to become a D list "actor" in LA?  Nose job sure leads me to think that's what he wants!

Nick comes on to talk about his Catfish-style initial contact with Kaitlyn (which sounded pretty intense, at least for a non face-to-face interaction) and how he was hesitant to "pull a Chris Bukowski" (HILARIOUS reference to this loser Bach reject who friggin' keeps trying to come back) but he really liked her.  Shawn and Nick have a face-to-face during which Shawn sounds like a complete blowhard, insisting that they BOTH should have simply focused on Kaitlyn more (ummm, Nick DID that, Poor Man's Ryan Gosling--YOU were the one who was unable to pull that off) and acting like a big a jerk, I think.  Dude--you won.  Be graceful about it--you got what you wanted--stop giving Nick attitude, please.

Finally, Nick and Kaitlyn get some face time and Nick asks her straight up whey she said that she loved him and why she didn't send him home sooner.  Chris Harrison wisely chimes in that there's no such thing as a good breakup (trite, but true) and Nick says that he wishes Kaitlyn had been a bit more considerate of his feelings (I get that).  Nick wishes her the best and returns to his lair where he will plan his next sojourn into the Bachelorette world (just kidding--I'm thinking he's all Reality TV Love-ed out by now).

The episode closes with Kaitlyn, Shawn, and Shawn's new nose on the couch and Shawn saying that he's glad he can defend Kaitlyn from the cyber bullies now that the news is out, which strikes me as a bit funny since the cyber bullies mostly emerged after she slept with "That Guy" and not Shawn.

I'll be interested to see if Nick emerges on any future Bachelor franchise--Bachelor In Paradise, perhaps?

What did you think?  Did they producers edit the footage to make it seem like Kaitlyn + Nick was an inevitable match?  I felt like they did!  Did you see Kaitlyn + Shawn coming?  Comments below! :)  

Bachelorette Finale: Video Recap

My super quick video recap is live on AOL Rise and you can watch it here.  Full recap to come.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Tonight is the night!!

Tonight is the night!  Kaitlyn picks between weasely yet somehow charming Nick (who MUST be a great kisser) and musclebound lunk Shawn (who insists that he's super Irish, though he doesn't spell his name the Irish way, so I gotta wonder).  In honor of tonight's finale (which I will be live tweeting then video recapping for AOL Rise, of course), let's bust out some RELEVANT JAMZ:

My bean town boys know what's up!

La Bouche knows when it's going down--tonight!!

And ABBA gives us the hard truth:

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The Men Tell All (And Get Down on Bended Knee)

Last night was the standard "The Men Tell All" episode of the season, the shameless add-on of an episode to sell more ad space (according to my smart and cynical pal Natalie Shure).  I find "The Women Tell All" to be a more interesting episode than "The Men Tell All" for two reasons:
(1) the women have often changed their look drastically and it's fun to see what they have done with hair dye, bronzer, and accessories;
(2) the women are usually more willing to brawl within the group and/or cry.

Having a crew of men "tell all" rarely invokes the dramatics and histrionics that Bachelor Nation loves so much, but we'll take what we can get.

My video recap here here on AOL Rise.

Who showed up to "tell all" last night?

-Ryan M - the guy who got SUPER drunk on night 1 and was escorted out. His hair is longer now, probably in an attempt to be unrecognizable!
-Tony - the bonkers healer is back and he's still rocking a thumb ring.
-Cory - bland, blonde guy whose claim to fame is that he is the Cory without an "e."
-Ian - the worst thing to happen to Princeton University since the tools from The Tiger Inn decided to run their mouths on email.
-Kupah - the "entrepreneur" from Boston who who is rocking a SNUG short sleeved button down (the worst) and a fitted vest.
-Corey - introduced as "Corey with an e" by Chris Harrison (he cracks me up) and he reveals himself to be a real piece of shit in this episode, much to my surprise.
-Joshua - visibly NOT happy to be there. Sorry you got a free trip to LA, guy.
-Clint - gets creepier by the minute.  He has grown some awful facial hair, too!
-Justin - known for being the dimmest bulb in the Bachelorette candelabra, which is saying a LOT.
-JJ - psychopath that is 1/2 of the Clint/JJ bromance has lost some weight and looks shockingly not terrible with a  beard.
-Tanner - comic relief is back & calling 'em like he sees 'em, which I dig.
-Joe - squished face is rocking some NICE white pants and bare ankles. Helloooo there!
-Chris Cupcake - meh.  I still don't get the deal with that guy.
-Ben Z. - still looking like a stack of piping hot man meat. CALL ME!
-Jared - I bet he is a LEGEND at Warwick, Rhode Island's TGIFridays now!
-Ben H. - I still don't quite get it, but I fear I may have to (as he will be the next Bachelor).

These boys are showing a lotta ankle and everyone looks almost exactly the same (snooze).  I'll be honest, attempting to write a thrilling recap of an episode that feels more like "My Dinner With Andre" (in that it's just talking heads, for the most part) isn't that easy, but I'll try and I'll do so, as is my wont, in a bulleted list:

-Wow Corey with an "e" I never realized what a jerk you were during the season, but I shouldn't be surprised that an Investment Banker based in NY, NY is a dolt.  It's people like YOU who make dating in those town a nightmare!  Good try at the slut shaming but it didn't quite work, jag wad.
-Tanner lights into Ian right out of the gate and I LOVE IT!  The best part was when Tanner said that Ian acted "butt hurt" simply because Kaitlyn didn't like him.  Nice work, my man Tan!
-Just when we thought that Ian couldn't get any stranger, he gets up like a lawyer with a dramatic closing argument, removes his jacket, and proceeds to get down on a knee and apologize to the guys, to his own mother (huh?), and to Kaitlyn.  Bad moves throughout the season, but good groveling, Ian.
Is that Ian groveling or a hit song by Boys II Men circa 1994?
Either way, kid is on bended knee and looks like an absolute tool. 
-Kupah and Joshua take issue with the phrase "I see my  husband in this room" and how Kaitlyn said that phrase before Nick arrived, so was she LYING? Guys, get real.  That is a phrase that is meaningless and is used in every damn season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Are you seriously going to try to fact check your way into her heart?  Sometimes people say things in the context of a relationship and then there is a breakup and those claims of "we'll grow old together" or "when we visit this city together we'll do that thing" are moot.  Sure, it sucks, but deal with it!
-Ben Z. gets in the hot seat and admits that he STILL has not cried in 11+ years.  With all due respect because Ben's hot (and I only respect hot dudes (JK--not really kidding, though)), being completely devoid of emotion is a pretty unappealing trait.
-Sweet Jared admits that he thinks of Kaitlyn every time he hears The Cranberries "Linger" now and he hears it quite often.  I feel ya, man.  I'm ashamed to admit that Damn Yankees "High Enough" reminds me of some college crushes and almost makes me cry every time I hear it.
-Ben H. addresses his fear that he's unlovable and he wins me over one more time.  He talks about having no closure and while I DO tend to think that closure is a gift you give yourself (thanks, therapy and my sister Laurel for teaching me that), I also think that a closing conversation is a powerful thing (and wish I had had one in my last breakup, but he sure aint reading this recap).
-Kaitlyn rocks another Ice Capades-style dress that looks like a dream on her--sparkles, cute neckline, short skirt, silver heels.  Can we share your stylist and you pay the bill, girl?
-Kaitlyn's response to Jonathan's inquiry about the "I can see my husband in this room" line was brilliant: didn't you vote for Britt?  Ha! Thank you.
-In a pretty shocking and upsetting moment, Chris Hanson reads 3 toxic, super mean tweets/messages that Kaitlyn received as a result of HumpGate.  She was called all manner of cruel, slut shaming names and my first thought was that Juan Pablo received NO SUCH BACKLASH when HE engaged in the exact same thing even earlier in the process. Sexual double standards are alive and well and props to The Bachelorette for addressing them head-on.  Stay strong, Kaitlyn.  Don't let the bastards grind you down.
-Overall, it was a jovial, fun episode and the guys who made themselves look like jerks during the season (Ryan, Ian) apologized.  Clint remained creepy and Corey revealed that he sucks.

Next week is the finale and thank you sweet ABC producers, it's just going to me a 2 hour episode on Monday night.  I thought that they were going to pull a "Sunday + Monday Finale Extravaganza" on me, but mercifully they are not.

The ARE giving us more Bach hookups, though, in the form of Bachelor In Paradise starting in early August.  I can't bring myself to recap that one--I need my Monday nights back!

But before Beachside STD Shack (Bachelor in Paradise) can start, The Bachelorette has got to wrap up.  Who do you think she'll pick--weasley Nick or simpleton Shawn?  My money's on Nick.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: And Then There Were Two (Who Hate Each Other)


I watched The Bachelorette live on Monday night along with my pal Natalie and I filmed a hilarious, super short recap of AOL Rise (watch here) but, as usual, my full recap is a bit late.  This week has been filled with "those days" when everything that CAN go wrong DOES go wrong, ya know?  Well, at least it's summer and I have a bitching tan (though my dermatologist was NOT pleased with me when I saw her yesterday).  Anyherrrrr--it's BACH RECAP TIME!

On Monday night we had 3 contenders:
Shawn - who continues to look like a knot and, as my pal Ali wisely pointed out, speaks with a bizarre Connecticut drawl;
Nick - who is back for his 2nd round of Bachelorette love because he's a glutton for punishment;
Ben H. - who really should have morphed into just "Ben" by now, but somehow he hasn't.

The episode opens with Shawn and Nick arguing (right where we left off!) and Shawn pointing out that if Kaitlyn likes Nick, then obviously she'd never be interested in him because they are SUCH different guys.  Yeah, brosef, that's the dynamic that comes up ALL THE TIME.  Remember during Jake's "On the Wings of Love" season when 4th runner up Ali Fedotowsky HATED Vienna and thought that Jake liking Vienna meant that she couldn't be the girl for Jake (and it truly meant that)?  Shawn, you're not making any new points here.  And the points you ARE making, you're making badly.  Also, did you or did you not sleep with a D list country singer the same night as your buddy? It's crass, yes, but it's a bizarre bragging point that Shawn allegedly made and Nick has wisely kept up his sleeve until just now.  Thanks to The Bachelorette, America now knows what "Eskimo Brothers" are and it's disgusting!

Kaitlyn and Ben H. have a 1:1 date and Ben's sweater game is on fleek, as the tweens would say (am I the worst or am I THE BEST for using "on fleek" and "tweens" in a sentence? THE BEST!).  They have a sweet day date, then as sleepover in a castle, and Ben leaves.  Ben seems nice, but Bachelor Nation knows that he's not really a contender, despite what Kaitlyn says about the Shawn vs. Nick rivalry making her dislike both of them.

The next day it's Kaitlyn and Shawn's 1:1 date and they suit up for a day on the links (that's rich people speak for "golfing," right?).  Kaitlyn is super fun no matter what she's doing (she's seriously the most fun, accessible Bachelorette ever) and she challenges Shawn to a bet that results in him getting naked on the golf course.  It's hilarious and charming and for a brief moment there, I don't think Shawn is an overly intense psychopath.  A BRIEF MOMENT!

Over dinner, Kaitlyn asks Shawn point blank about the "eskimo brothers" thing and he calls Nick "delusional" and "ridiculous" but never responds to the actual allegation.  Somewhere in America, Shawn's Eskimo Brother buddy is screaming at his TV, "you can't handle the truth!" Shawn: Congratulations on achieving the impossible--making me root for Nick.

"I know nothing about this person!
Nick is DELUSIONAL!" -Shawn 
The next morning, as Shawn is doing his walk of shame, Nick intercepts him and asks him if they can chat.  Their conversation consists of Shawn insisting that he's "not one to talk about other people behind their back." WELL THAT'S RICH COMING OUTTA YOU, KID!  How about I replay this entire SEASON for you, Shawn, and you can see that you indeed ARE someone who talks about other people behind their backs.  Nick barely said BOO about Shawn to Kaitlyn but every time Shawn spoke to Kaitlyn it would be about Nick.  Shawn needs to follow some of my favorite mantras: Run your own race.  Eyes on your own paper. Stop worrying about who else is humping your lady while you're on a reality TV show in which you will be edited to look like a jag no matter what you do.  STANDARD MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES!

But seriously, this is the most antagonistic final 2 (spoiler alert) that I've ever seen in all my years of watching and recapping.  Usually the final guys are able to just focus on their connection and not even THINK about the other relationship that is going on simultaneously.

So yes, rose ceremony time and Kailtyn's outfit is CRUCIAL.  Orange dress (bold color), low cut neckline, double stick tape--it's my dream dress!  She looks like she just stumbled out of Studio 54 and I love it.  She hands out roses to Nick then Shawn, so Ben H. is going home.  He exits gracefully (though no one exited with quite as much grace as Jared the Rhode Island boy) but buckles his seat belt over his suit on the ride home.  Car safety is important, but man, a seat belt over a suit just looks SO BAD, am I right?  Almost as bad as a suit worn with a backpack--that is THE WORST. Are you a little boy dressed up as a man? Get a duffel bag, guy!  But I digress...

Next, Kaitlyn meets Nick and Shawn's families, and I'll express that in a few bullets:

Nick's family
-Everybody's crying and the dumping hasn't even happened (yet?)
-I love the occasional references to Nick's relationship with Andi.   He basically says that he didn't like her that much and had to take a "leap of faith" and his mom says that she didn't feel a connection between Nick and Andi last year.
-Their silly dance for the family looked really cute.
-He's got it in the bag.

Shawn's family
-What's the scoop with the no show mom!? I'm curious about that one!
-Dad really knows how to say phrases that the producers will edit to trick us!
-Did you see zits on Shawn's back he was changing? ROID RAGE?
-Kaitlyn's boot game is on LOCK!

Next week is the Men Tell All and it's always my favorite episode.  I will have many more witty zingers to share, readers.  And I'll get my post up sooner, I promise! xoxo

Monday, July 13, 2015

Podcast - It's Not You, It's Us

Hello amigos!

I was recently on Jon Fisch, Kendra Cunningham, and Andy Fiori's fun,  new podcast, It's Not You, It's Us and you can listen to us talk about romance, relationships, and "my type" right here:

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 9: That Dress, Though!


As always, I'm late with this post.  I'm currently in Springfrield, Missouri for my sweet grandmother's funeral, so that is why my recap is a bit delayed and it will be a quickie.

I did a video recap for AOL Rise on Monday night and you can watch it here.

My thoughts on Monday's episode in rapid-fire, bullet format:

-Ben H. looks like Peter Brady, sure (is that a good thing?) but I'm still surprised that he's a contender.  Their row boat ride gave me flashbacks to "The Notebook."
-When the date card arrived and Jared attempted to explain the REAL definition of "run amuck" to the guys, I was stunned.  He managed to hide it all season but in that moment we learned that he is an IDIOT with no idea what double meanings are! Bah!
-Hell yeah Kaitlyn for saying "I'm a grown woman, I can do what I want" and not coming off as regretful about HumpGate, but just thoughtful about the implications that it will have on her other relationships.  She is dealing with this whole situation brilliantly.
-Sweet Joe turned into Curt Joe the moment Kaitlyn dropped him and I can't say I blamed him.  Their relationship simply started too late, but that final scene was painful to watch.
-Shawn looks more and more like a knot with each passing episode.  I appreciate when he responded to HumpGate by needing time alone and then saying that he needs to "man up" and simply push forward and focus on HIS relationship with Kaitlyn, but was disappointed when he backpedaled from that and let his jealousy take over later in the episode.  Dude, run your own race.
-Can we talk about Kaitlyn's silver, mirror dress from that rose ceremony and how it was disco perfection?! I WANT THAT DRESS! Was Mirrorball a Sarah McLachlan album circa 2000-something, or Kaitlyn's dress from the rose ceremony when she sent Jared packing?

-Nice attempt at a power play during the rose ceremony, Shawn.  Blech.  Stop trying to have the upper hand by being sad that your GF slept with someone else and manipulating her emotions with your sadness.  Sack up and move on, or walk away.
-Jared's rejection: what a class act!  He holds it together, acts like a gentleman, and wishes her all the best.  I'd like to take breakup lessons from Jared.  Although, I think I handle them pretty well.  The last time I got dumped I just said "OK" and the conversation was over.  Who needs to talk it out?  I'm a WASP?  I'll drink a white wine spritzer through this heartbreak, thank you very much!
-Does Shawn do anything OTHER than brood and stare off?  Bicep curls, obviously, cause those tight henleys aint getting snug without some serious bicep curls and triceps kickbacks, but anything ELSE?
-Nick and Kaitlyn's fantasy suite dated looked like a really good time--those two crazy kids have great chemistry (sorry, Shawn).

Can't wait to watch Shawn and Nick argue about the fact that they hate each other next week! xoxo

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 8: TEARS in Ireland

Monday night's episode of The Bachelorette found us back in Ireland and the recurring theme was TEARS. It was like Tears in Heaven, only not about a dead child but instead about a reality TV dating show that has gotten VERY INTENSE!  There were tears all over the joint: lots out of Kaitlyn (good waterproof mascara), off camera tears from Shawn, on-camera tears from weasel Nick (a real shocker!), and dramatic tears out of Chris the Cupcake. Things got heavy (and I'm not just talking about the type of dudes I like to date).

The show started with Shawn in a snug henley (his uniform) arriving at Kaitlyn's door to get more reassurance about her feelings.  Kaitlyn is anxious because she thinks that Nick spilled the beans of their "intimate night" (wink wink) to the guys.  He did NOT, but Shawn is still feeling insecure and needy.  Man, if he only KNEW just how insecure he COULD be feeling!

The next day is the infamous 2-on-1, a date from which 1 person usually returns, unless you're Farmer Chris and you drop BOTH ladies in the middle of the badlands (best Bach episode ever).  JJ (Former Investment Banker who has SOMEHOW stayed in the game this long) and Joe (whiskey loving hottie with a sorta squished face) are the participants and they are fired up.  JJ says that "today's the biggest day of my recent life" and I want to ask him if he considers the moment when his daughter was born (3 years ago) "recent" or not. For baby girl's sake, I hope not!  The trio has a picnic of drinks on the Isle of Skye and Joe finally opens up to Kaitlyn.  Joe has a calm and charming way about him and he reveals that he DOES feel a connection with Kaitlyn and he can't get enough of her. I don't think he'll be around much longer (too little, too late), but he's a good egg.  In his alone time with Kaitlyn, JJ reveals that he cheated on his ex-wife "3 years ago" (so, presumably when she was pregnant or had a newborn--way to go, Nightmare Guy). Wow. I can't believe that the "former investment banker's" big reveal isn't that he got busted for insider trading or liquidating some sweet school teacher's retirement funds!  The threesome sit together in the sunset and Kaitlyn wisely sends JJ home, saying that he should get back to his daughter.  Good move, girl.  I can only imagine what was going through JJ's head, "I just admitted to America that I cheated on my wife and ruined my marriage FOR NOTHING?"  Thems the breaks, loser.  Go look up Clint.  Kaitlyn and Joe sail off together and he scores a rose.

Back at the castle hotel that night, Shawn needs MORE reassurance and I really wish he'd stop showing up on Kaitlyn's doorstep. Like a quote that I read in the NYTimes this weekend and will now butcher--making moves is easy, standing still is hard.  Just CHILL OUT, bud.  Again, Kaitlyn is worried about how much Shawn knows and she need not be.  He's just been sitting in a hunched over position in a garden all damn day and night.  Apparently a few days ago she reassured him a bit TOO MUCH off camera (and gave him the impression that he's "the one") and now he's stunned that the show is continuing, it seems.  Buddy needs to get a clue.

It's time for a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn's rocking a sparkly ball gown with cut outs that's very Figure Skater Chic/Beyonce at the Met Gala.
Picture this, but in black and with brown hair worn
 down, plus lots of bronzer and that's Kaitlyn!
The only person who loves bronzer more than I do is Kaitlyn and she isn't afraid to show it.  Upon arrival at the cocktail party, Kaitlyn makes a cryptic speech about "making mistakes" and Nick seems nonchalant that she just called him a "mistake" to his face (love it), while narcissist Shawn thinks she's talking about him and he somehow turns ugly, to me.  Anyone else?

Has his face morphed or has his neediness
 just made him seem less hot?
Kaitlyn and Nick have some alone time during which she tells him in no uncertain terms to NOT SNITCH about HumpGate. Nick admits that he's nervous and he's been the overconfident guy who got his heartbroken before (cough--Andi--cough).  She has some good conversations but everyone is anxious and emotional--there are a whole lot of guys gripping their foreheads and the bridges of their noses. The tension is thick!

3 guys already have roses:
Nick (his rose was a gift when he entered Hump City, USA, population: 2), Joe (hard earned from the 2-on-1), and Jared (scored on group date last episode).  3 roses are up for grabs and 2 guys will be going home.

Who scored a flower?
Ben H. - a late bloomer and I'm surprised he's still around.
Chris Cupcake - nice guy, but too earnest and corny. Mama needs a lil edge.
Shawn - the final rose! Now please CALM DOWN and maybe she won't find you annoying.

Departing from STD Shack will be Tanner (all he offered was deadpan comic relief) and--it is with great sadness that I report this--Ben Z. Yes, hottie brick shithouse with great tattoos Ben Z. is going home, but the guy who rolled up inside a cupcake is still in the running. Am I taking crazy pills!?  With the departure of Ben Z., Ben H. now becomes simply "Ben." Congrats, jerky! You don't deserve it.

The next day the boys load up in a bus for a ride to Killarney and Jared is lucky enough to be invited to ride in Kaitlyn's car for the trip.  Way to go, Olive Garden!  Jared and Kaitlyn have a cute, natural dynamic and they make a few fun pit stops on the way, one of which is a journey to kiss the Blarney Stone, then kiss each other, and I wish that one had said "you taste like Blarney Stone" but you can't always get what you want.

I'm needy and I snore when I sleep--
what's not to love?
The bus of dudes rolls into town and corny Chris Cupcake says that this small town is what his soul looks like (please stop--I can't handle more dumb chills).  Chris Harrison arrives and shares some UNPRECEDENTED changes--there will be some off camera time between Kaitlyn and the guys, she will pare down the group from 6 to 3 toot suite, and 3 guys will get fantasy suite dates THEN she'll visit the hometowns of the final 2.  Woa!  What is going on here!? The formula is changing slightly but somehow it feels like a  cataclysmic shift!

Chris Cupcake scores the first date in this new paradigm and he seems thrilled, but oh Cupcake, this date aint going to have a sweet ending.  They hop in a helicopter and fly to the Cliffs of Moher for a picnic right on the edge during which Kaitlyn breaks down and ends things with Chris.  He seems stunned and leans his face SUPER CLOSE to hers, which I'm sure is really calming to her. Buh.  He kisses her forehead, they hug, and her dramatic exit feels like the last helicopter out of Siagon.  Chris is left to weep and speak to himself in 3rd person right by the edge of the cliff and I seriously thought he was going to fall or jump.  He did NOT fall or jump, but he did call her "a mess" and say that "she deserves a lifetime of happiness and I'm not sure she's ready to find that yet." Oh, she is, Cupcake--just not with a guy who she first locked eyes with while he was inside a bizarre pastry car.  Byyyyye. Good luck in the enamel biz.

Next week, Kaitlyn will tell the boys the whole truth (confess to HumpGate) and there will be more tears.  In honor of her upcoming confession, I leave you with this:

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 7: Totally 90s!

As Miranda said to Carrie in a memorable episode of Sex & the City, I’M LATE (with this recap).  My apologies, love bugs.  I’ve been strangely exhausted and sick for about 2 weeks now and that illness has been sucking my will to snark.

Thankfully, Ian successfully revived my will to talk shit.  Monday’s episode opened up with his diatribe AT Kaitlyn about how she’s a “surface level person” and how everyone on there seemed to be “on vacation from life.” Dating is supposed to be FUN, buddy.  This isn’t an LSAT Review course, it’s The Bachelorette. Loosen up, Princeton.  Cue up the Fiona Apple because Ian was hoping to meet a sad, sullen girl  (if only he had known me back when I was in high school! I was HELLA SULLEN.)

Finally, Ian stops talking and Kaitlyn calmly tells him that he is extremely rude and offensive and asks, “and you feel good about that?”  Ian The Letdown exits and tells the camera, “I went to Princeton, Deerfield—that’s what I have to offer.” And now you are the alumni laughing stock of TWO respected schools.  After all of his insistence that Kaitlyn’s suitors are “lames” and “not smart” and uncouth, Ian’s final words are “I need to have some sex!”  Don’t you just love a hypocrite with a gross balding pattern? 

Wise and wily Nick takes advantage of the situation and comforts Kaitlyn, telling her that he loves how much fun she is and that she can ALSO have real, in-depth conversations.  Nice move, Normcore Nick (name written by Tom Friedman).

After that, ABC serves up some foreshadowing with Kaitlyn saying that “intimacy is an important part of a relationship and I’m not afraid to say that.” Intimacy, HUH? What’s that I hear in the background—is that some R.  Kelly?

Up next is a rose ceremony at the Alamo and for 2 guys, this will be their last stand.  Nick, Ben H. and Shawn B already have roses, and Kaitlyn sends home Justin (most well known for being a simpleton) and Joseph (who dug his own grave last week).  Oh Joseph, the only thing worse than getting negged on TV is getting negged on TV with half a mohawk and then overhearing everyone celebrating while you cry into a TV camera. Bye bye, welder man.

Next stop: Dublin, Ireland!  Shawn B is PSYCHED because apparently he’s Irish, just not Irish enough to spell his name the Irish way (Sean).  Somehow, JJ and Tanner are still around and I’m convinced that it’s just for comic relief. 

Nick scores the first 1:1 and it’s a long day (AND NIGHT) of off-the-charts chemistry. Nick and Kaitlyn walk in the park, Irish step dance in the street, buy claddagh rings, and suck face in a traditional Irish pub.  They have a heart-to-heart in the pub and as they walk along the street, Nick pulls Kaitlyn in for a kiss against a wall. Nick may be a weasely nerd tool, but WHO DOESN’T LOVE the ‘ole “pull you aside street make out”?  You may be a loser, Nick, but you’re a loser with MOVES.  

That night they eat dinner (in between kisses) in the Christ Church Cathedral and straddle outside of it. Pure class, these two!  They throw around super corny lines such as “I’m feeling for you” and “you’re giving me goosebumps.”  In an interview, Kaitlyn says that Nick makes her “feel like a woman, a desired woman.” Simmer down, Shania. 

Back in the hotel, Kaitlyn takes Nick back to her room where they disappear into her bedroom, shut the door, and fail to remove their mics, so we hear them moan, breathe, and kiss hard.  These moves are intercut with shots of Shawn and Jared talking about Nick and their naivete is sweet and hilarious. 

The next morning, Nick exits Kaitlyn’s room and Kaitlyn slumps around her patio saying “I don’t want this to be an issue” and “has this ever happened before?” and “I’m trying to think if Chris and Britt did have sex, what I would have done” lest there be ANY CONFUSION as to what just went down between Kaitlyn and Nick.  Nick pretty much TELLS the guys back in the suite but somehow none of them get it.  We’ll see when THAT truth bomb explodes in the coming weeks.

In the previews and the editing, the Bachelor editors seemed to want to “slut shame” Kaitlyn but honestly, the whole thing went over without much drama, which was nice to see.  Although I suspect that there will be drama down the road when the suitors fully understand what went down. 

The dress code for the next day's group date seems to have been Funeral Sexy and those boys did not disappoint!  Chris Harrison explains that the date will be a traditional Irish wake, during which Kaitlyn will be chilling out in a real casket and the guys will drink and toast her.  This group date is MY DREAM because it combines 3 of my favorite things: drinking, giving toasts, and wearing head-to-toe slimming black. Tanner admit that he has no idea how he’s still in the game, Chris Cupcake embarrasses himself by trying to sing, and Shawn makes a great joke that Kaitlyn killed herself after spending a full day with Nick.  Boomtown, buddy! 


The best part of the episode
The group date after party is at the Guinness Store House.  Jared is confident and has his eyes on the prize, Ben Z. says that the Irish wake challenge was emotional for him (because of the death of his mother), and Shawn is beginning to unravel.  Props to Shawn, though, for pulling out some photos and “putting himself out there” (God I hate that phrase) when feeling vulnerable, rather than clamming up.  Alas, Shawn’s family photos don’t win the day, as Jared scores a rose and a private concert by THE CRANBERRIES!  This entire episode was TOTALLY 90s and I loved it!  The Cranberries serenade Jared and Kaitlyn in a candle-lit church and I had CHILLS as they sang “Linger.”  It took me back to eating shitty pizza in the Atrium Mall circa 1993. 

As Kaitlyn and Red Lobster's Top Manager dance and kiss, Shawn unravels more and more and says he’s about to cry and that Kaitlyn is “ruining everything that we have.”  Later, he shows up at Kaitlyn’s hotel room to talk to her and I’m sure she’ll calm him down, but in a few weeks (once Shawn finally puts the pieces together of Nick’s visit to Kaitlyn’s room), he will lose his Irish temper.  I can’t wait to see it!  Erin go braugh, Shawn!  Irish #1!!
I used to live down the street from here. IRISH #1!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 6: I Quit Team Ian

Hi Lovebugs!

As of this morning, I'm doing super quick, fun recaps of The Bachelorette for AOL Rise.  Check out my first ep here!

I'll still be getting into the nitty gritty here on my blog and lawdy lawdy were there some gritty moments in last night's episode! Tantrums! Adolescent crooners! Fireworks!

We resumed in New York City with Nick (2nd runner up on Ombre DA Andi's season) joining the guys in their hotel suite.  They were NOT welcoming and Joshua and Tanner were especially harsh to Nick.  Joshua grills Nick by asking "is she a cool chick or an amazing woman to you?" which is sweet, I guess, but pretty unnecessary.  Nick explains that he and Kaitlyn connected on social media and then texted and talked on the phone (which is more than Kaitlyn lead us to believe) but I'm SURE there was more going on.  Nick is a weasel, but I'll admit that he handled himself well in the face of 14 angry guys.

They suit up and head to Citi Field where the Mets regularly lose and a some of these suitors are going to lose, too.  Kaitlyn rocks a sparkly dress, black tights, and boots (great look) and JJ wisely leads her down to the field to run the bases.  I still hate JJ and his pink socks made me groan, but that was a pretty good move.  Most of the other guys waste their 1:1 time with Kaitlyn by talking about Nick and I want to tell them to keep their eyes on their own paper!  As I learned when an old crush started dating a girl who was legendary for having NO PERSONALITY, you can't always make sense of these things. Stop trying to figure it out and just keep on living.  (Yes, I sound like a female Matthew McConaughey with my JKLiving mantra, but seriously, do it.)

Soon it's time for a rose ceremony and freezing temperatures be damned, they're doing it on the baseball diamond.  A few guys already have roses--Jared (RI restaurant manager who is all about Kaitlyn), Cupcake (total dweeb), and Justin (who earned a rose mostly for saying that he was fine with Nick joining the show), so who else get a rose through chattered teeth?
Ben H. - highly forgettable
Ben Z. - beefcake dreamboat
Shawn - looks more like a male Robyn with each day
Tanner - only here to provide comic relief
Joe - squished face
Ian - the man I loved until the end of the episode when I quit Team Ian
JJ - nice pink socks, former Investment Banker
Joshua - welder who is way too curious about Nick
Nick - the final rose for the new guy!
So Jonathan (Miami Vice Color Me Badd), Corey (hot Rick Perry) and glasses Ryan are heading home and there are no surprises there.  None were contenders.  We learned an important lesson at Citi Field--it's impossible to look sexy when you are freezing.

The party train rolls on to San Antonio, TX where Tanner and Joshua continue to doubt Nick's motives and joke that this "isn't his first rodeo" (that joke works on many levels!).

Ben H. scores the first one-on-one and the date is a ride in a gorgeous, vintage truck to the oldest dance hall in America, a two-step lesson, a two-step contest, then dinner.  They lose the dance contest (of course) but have a great opportunity to make corny comments about how dancing is like a relationship, and aren't those sound bites what the show is truly about?  That night over dinner, Kaitlyn seems to think that Ben H. revealed more of himself to her, but all I got was that he had a long distance relationship before this one and apparently she said that he lost "the chase" but I'm not sure what he meant. Somehow, he impressed Kaitlyn and was given a rose then said that he's excited "for more time with Kaitlyn" but I'm pretty sure he meant to say "for more time on vacation."

The next day is a group date and the crew is Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua, and Nick.  Kaitlyn rocks a perfect denim shirt dress (who doesn't love a shirt dress?) and they are serenaded by a fantastic mariachi band lead by a 12 year old heartbreaker.  The guys break off and write their own mariachi songs, then serenade Kaitlyn in public.  JJ plays his own guitar and sucks, Joe goes in for a kiss (smart move), and Ian take the whole thing much too seriously and then chokes.  Ouch. Nick leads Kaitlyn up to a balcony to serenade her from a better spot, sings about his erection, and leads everyone to admit that he was the best performance of the day.  

At the cocktail party that night, Joshua decides to ask Kaitlyn to give him a hair cut (because when I go on a date with an accountant I'm always like, "I brought this sack of receipts--would you mind organizing my books before our entrees arrive?") and she manages to give him half a mohawk before the buzzer cuts out.  He looks awful and is consumed by his hatred for Nick.  You know you're a psychopath when friggin' JJ describes you as a "ticking bomb."  During his alone time with Kaitlyn, Nick says that she has a great group of guy and it seems like things have calmed down among the dudes.  Joshua squeezes in more 1:1 time with Kaitlyn during which he says that ALL of the guys hate Nick, to which Kaitlyn responds, "so everyone is lying to my face?"  I'm sure this is NOT how Joshua was hoping this conversation would go.  It only gets worse from there when Joshua returns to the guys and blatantly lies to them (saying he was in an interview, not with Kaitlyn) then Kaitlyn confronts the entire group and no one speaks up when she asks if everyone has been lying got her and if they all hate Nick (how damn awkward for Nick?).  No one says boo and Joshua feels like an IDIOT and accuses everyone else of lying.  I must again give JJ props for the best sound bite of the night: "the only liar in the room is the one accusing us all of being liars." But Joshua is not the biggest idiot of the episode, surprisingly.  Nick gets a rose and the seating arrangement is positively poetic. 

See that guy looking forlorn in the background as Nick gets his rose?
That's Joshua who dug his own grave moments earlier.
The next day Shawn (some say Ryan Gosling look-alike, I say that's very generous) and Kaitlyn go kayaking, have a picnic, and in Shawn's unmistakeable monotone he tells her that he's "happy to be here" and then, apropos of nothing, launches in on a story about hating seat belts but wearing one this one time and THAT one time was when he got in a car accident.  I'm sure it's true, didn't it sounds like an urban legend?  He walked away from that car accident A OK, but somehow this is what he trots out to give himself depth.  Whatevs, bro.  He scores a rose. 

Meanwhile, back at home my favorite hottie Ian is falling apart and I promptly revoked my membership to Team Ian.  Ian says that he should be The Bachelor, that Kaitlyn doesn't understand who he is and "who I am is a gift you unwrap for life" (has someone been reading self help books? And how many layers of wrapping paper are on you?), and makes the below-the-belt comment that Kaitlyn isn't "half as hot as my ex-girlfriend."  And that matters HOW? The girl who you think isn't half as hot as your ex-GF is making YOU feel insecure, so deal with it, Princeton. 

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn is in a stunning purple dress and silver heels and Ian is chomping at the bit to "leave it all on the table" when he says that he came here hoping to meet "the girl who had her heart broken, not the girl who wanted to get her field plowed" (you're describing the same girl! She CAN be both! And why would you WANT to meet a girl who is heartsick over another guy? Do you like wounded women? Blech).  Kaitlyn sits in silence as Ian embarrasses himself in front of America and refers to the other guys as "lames" (spoken like a true Soc, bro) and ABC leaves us wanting more with the 'ole "To Be Continued" screen.  Wow.  

Was anyone else stunned by the revelation that Ian's a complete dick? I did NOT see that one coming! 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 5: Broback Breakup, Weasel Arrival

On Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette we had 0 rose ceremonies, 1 departure, and 1 ARRIVAL.  WAH!?!??!  I know.  Hold onto your hats, love bugs.

The last episode closed with the Clint cliffhanger—would Kaitlyn finally wake up to his sketchy ways? Would he and his shiny forehead manage to fly under the radar and stay in the house with his beloved best friend forever, JJ?  On Monday’s episode, Kaitlyn pulled Clint aside and shot him straight—she doesn’t trust him and a ton of guys have warned her about him. Like a blonde, monotone robot, Clint insisted that he is there for the right reasons, that he had made himself vulnerable to Kaitlyn and that’s scary for him, that she's shy, and that he’s “best, best, best friends” with JJ. Smart cookie Kaitlyn informed him that this has nothing to do with his friendship with JJ and that he needs to go home. They walked back into the house where Clint asked the entire crew, “who talked to Kaitlyn and said that I was mean to you guys?” which is a worthwhile conversation to have as the door is hitting you on the way out, huh?  Not so much.  Kaitlyn apologized to the group (just like the Amy Schumer sketch) and then JJ chimed in to say that CLINT owes everyone an apology for causing drama and wasting their time.  Oh JJ—you’re such a stupid kiss ass. You’re totally the pity bid of the house who can’t bother to do the actual tasks asked of you but instead focuses on winning extra credit and brown nosing. Blech. No wonder you’re a FORMER Investment Banker, chach. Even Investment Bankers don’t like you (and that’s saying a lot, right Corey?).

Clint was shocked to be thrown under the bus by his bestie and the two of them had a tense, private conversation during which each admitted to the other that he had “told you things that I haven’t share with anyone in a long time” and Clint exited by mocking JJ’s tie (ZING!) and calling him a “Beeping piece of Beep.”  JJ then wept for the camera, walked off camera and slapped himself across the face, and said to him self “son of a bitch… suck it up.” Yowza. Methinks somebody grew up in a house where emotions weren’t permitted, and it’s pretty sad for JJ. 

Tanner might be a thin nosed loser, but kid is a wealth of comic relief with his comment that “Broback Mountain became Broback Volcano and erupted.”  Ian tells JJ that his behavior is despicable (hell yeah it is), Kaitlyn cancels the rose ceremony, and the gang learns that their next stop is New York City! 

In NYC the crew stays at a hotel in Times Square (my sincere condolences, boyz) and has 2 group dates and a 1:1 date. 

The first 1:1 date was a rap battle (and it was just as bad as you’d expect, despite Doug E Fresh’s best efforts) of Jonathan (Color Me Badd Miami Vice), Justin (whose hair is growing our horribly), Ben Z. (brick shithouse of love), Corey (current investment banker), Ryan B. (who looks cute in glasses but is highly forgettable), Tanner (whose sole purpose on the show is to make good sound bites), JJ (no one clapped for him—haha! Eat it, loser!), Shawn (who looks a lot like Justin, but hot).  They guys perform a live show and Ashley I. (female Bobby Bottleservice from the previous season of The Bachelor) is in the audience, along with Nick (2nd runner up from Andi’s season).

Remember this jag? Are you still a "Software Sales Executive"
 if you're an unemployed loser with no boundaries? 
Nick takes Kaitlyn aside after the concert and asks if he can jump into the fray and be a suitor because “the idea that you could potentially be engaged and I wouldn’t have met you bugged me.” But isn’t that the case for ANYONE IN THE WORLD, you boundary-less jackass? There are TONS of people out there who you might be friends or acquaintances with and that doesn’t mean that you get to interject into their lives and be like, “hold up—I know you’re in the thick of the biggest adventure of your life and you’re presently dating a dozen dudes, but you have simply GOT TO TRY dating me!”  Fuck off.  It’s a pretty standard Bach franchise maneuver now (almost every season some jag wad who can’t get over his/her time on the show and simply GET A FRIGGIN’ JOB will show up unannounced mid-season) but it still sucks and the message is, “I have no boundaries and I didn’t bother going after you when you were free and a normal person who had done the show, but now that you’re THE Bachelor or THE Bachelorette, I want in and you should thank me for it.”

Kaitlyn thinks about it and even goes to Ashley S. (total kookoo bird from her season) to get her hair done and talk about love vs. lust. Oh man, Bach contestants live in a full Bach world! The hairdresser is a Bachelor alum! Another Bachelorette alum wants to date you!  Where’s the Bach alum butcher, baker, and candlestick maker?

She decides to go for it and let Nick join the show as another suitor.  The way that Kaitlyn and Nick’s kiss and hug does NOT look like two people who connected via social media, as she claims.  Who knows. 

Justin scores the rose after the rap battle/tense evening on the boat, but as Tanner says, “that’s the most meaningless rose in the history of the show” in light of the fact that said rose was given out just after Kaitlyn told the boys that Nick would be moving into the hotel suite.

Jared (Rhode Island’s finest restaurant manager) scores a 1:1 date and the couple gets decked out for dinner in the Metropolitan Museum of Art then a helicopter ride over NYC.  Jared get a rose. Somehow, rodent-like Jared is growing on me but he still feels like Aidan to Nick’s Big. Damn you, Nick!

The next day is another group date and the crew is Ian (can the hottest suitor please get more screen time, ABC?), Chris (dentist dweeb), Joe (Squished Face), Joshua (simpleton redhead), Ben H. (button nose, personality still MIA) who are going to BROADWAY to walk through a real Broadway audition!  The dance captain who taught them the choreography might be my favorite person ever and during the try out, Chris the dentist does his best impression of what he thinks an actor does (ACT! WITH BIG FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND HAND MOVEMENTS! LOOK OVER THERE, MY FAIR LADY!) and his over-acting is rewarded when he wins the challenge. Kaitlyn and Chris then make their “Broadway debut” (as extras in a group scene) and—I’m shocked to admit this--Chris officially looks better in a cupcake then he does in a turban.  Post-show Chris and Kaitlyn head up to a rooftop and smooch beneath the New Year’s Eve ball in Times Square.  He gets a rose. 

Meanwhile, weasely Nick is making his way to the Knickerbocker Hotel (where, let’s be honest, he was probably shacked up on ABC’s dime anyway, but they need shots of him “arriving” so he roams around Times Square with a suitcase looking strangely forlorn about his impending love connection).  He does a good job of channeling Bill Murray from Lost In Translation and looking pensive, when we all know that he has never cared about making friends. HE’S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS! Ahh—the reality TV dating cliches just won’t stop!

The episode ends without a rose ceremony, but instead with another cliff hanger when we watch Nick go enter the suite and say “what’s up, guys.”  We'll find out what goes down next week and I'm excited to watch some BRAWLS!