Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bach in Paradise: OH THE DRAMA!

On Monday night, Bachelor In Paradise was back with part one of a two night saga of sand dunes and drama.  I tuned in 30 minutes late because I still can't quite figure out how to use my DVR (I'm like an technologically averse old man's brain trapped inside the body of a smoking hot fox) and because I was living my damn life (and in the immortal words of One Life To Live's opening credits, "we've only got one life to liiiiiiive," ya know?).  OK, so I watched STD Shack while the rest of the world watched Sophia Vergara spin like a pig on a spit during the Emmy Awards.  (It really IS a great time for women in television, Julianna Marguiles!)

When I tuned in, Cody (the artist formerly known as Macklemore on Roids from Andi's season) had just arrived in paradise and asked out his uber crush Clare. Clare turned him down in favor of seeing where it goes with Zack and after some back and forth, Zack and Clare seemed to get on the same page. They had a good conversation on some Mexican festive pillows, during which Clare rocked far too much blush, but phrased her position well, saying, "I'm not asking for marriage tomorrow." Nice work, girl. Also, how do you keep your teeth so impossibly white?  

Cody didn't want to ask a second runner up (smart move, gym rat), so he passed off his date card to Marcus so that Marcus and Lacy could go on the most snooze-worthy date of all time. 

Later that night we saw the arrival of Kalon, the preppy tool from Emily's season who was booted for referring to Emily's daughter as "baggage" and who talks about being extremely wealthy much more than anyone who is actually extremely wealthy would ever do. (Seriously--I went to college with some crazy rich kids and it was always the richest kids who downplayed it, while the solidly upper middle class kids with aspirations of wealth were the ones who got name droppy about labels and cars. It's the financial version of "methinks the lady doth protest too much.")  Everyone hates Kalon on sight and he has no idea because he's a delusional moron.  He has a date card and he'd like to take Michelle on an adventure and "motorboat the F outta that" (his classy words--the crew back at the Yacht Club must be so proud!).  She agrees to a date with him, then drops him the next morning (#karma) so Kalon goes looking for a date and none of the girls are interested (awesome).  He refers to all of the women as "idiots" and leaves for a date alone, during which he did a fake heart-to-heart dialogue with himself and other activities that I'd imagine the UCSD shooter psychopath would do. 

Later at a beach bonfire Jesse Kovacs strolls up (hottie from Jillian's season who has a player reputation).  Jesse invites Jaki on a date and lays it on thick (and by "it" I mean charm/desperation) while they eat dinner in a cave. When she asks him point blank if he's strategizing, Jesse plays dumb and says that he's not good at strategizing.  Very strategic answer, Hot Dummy! 

That night during yet another beach bonfire, Michelle (who hilariously joked that she "felt like a plan B... or even C... occasional D" and made a fan out of me) lamented her inability to make a connection with anyone in the house and then got a massage from sweetheart Cody.  I smell a new love connection! 

The next day AshLee learned a heartbreaking lesson: when you go on a reality TV show, you're mic-ed 24/7 AND there are cameras everywhere. I KNOW! Can you even stand it? Fake EyelAshLee learned this tough lesson when she openly talked smack about Clare to Zack. She encouraged Zack to pursue other women, called Clare "cuckoo" (oh that's rich coming from AshLee who confessed to Graham that she staked is Instagram on the day they met), and snapped, "she bleeped a guy in the ocean--are you kidding me?" Zack didn't say much of anything (and dude needs to learn how to STEP UP) but word got back to Clare faster than you can say "internalized sexism is what keeps the patriarchy in power and sexual double standards are often reinforced by the very groups that they victimize!" 

In a private conversation, Zack tells Clare that he isn't going to have her back, despite the fact that they are Bachelor In Paradise-dating, but the words come out as, "I don't want to be part of this drama" and Clare says she'll handle it herself (OMG she rules).  

Later that night, AshLee pulls Clare aside and says she's unsure of why Clare might be mad, but she senses some tension (oh AshLee, you're more inept at playing the victim than the girls who used to pull that crap on me in high school). Clare wins the day, telling AshLee, "you and I are not friends" and when AshLee has the audacity to say, "I'm not upset at you--don't feel like you did anything wrong" Clare rightfully snaps back, "I DIDN'T." It's intriguing to watch AshLee try to pull Jedi mind tricks on Clare and fail so spectacularly.  Clare tells AshLee that she's tacky and not classy and AshLee scampers off to lie in the bed that she made (literally and figuratively).  

The next night is the rose ceremony and 6 girls will be giving out roses to 8 dude options. Smart  money says that Kalon is on his way out (don't forget your baggage, fake Richie Rich), but who will the other reject be? Well we won't know until Tuesday night because there was drama at the rose ceremony! 

During cocktail hour, Michelle pulled Graham aside and told him about AshLee's toxic smack talking. Graham had been unenthusiastically "dating" AshLee (thought it seemed  more like a hostage situation), but he's stunned by her mean spirited behavior toward Clare. The rose ceremony starts, and we get as far as...

Lacy - Marcus (I think I dozed off for a moment because of how insufferably BORING these two are.) 
Clare - Zack (I hope the guy can step it up soon. Also, her white top rules.) 
AshLee - Graham 
BUT as AshLee offers her rose to Graham, he stands there looking dazed for a moment, then simply walks out of the rose ceremony. Michelle follows him moments later (because she knows how to make good reality TV and drama must be talked out with another person) and then we see "TO BE CONTINUED" on the screen.  


Monday, August 18, 2014

How I Met the Hottest Masshole from The Bachelorette: DYLAN!

Beloved Readers!  It has been a hot minute since I posted on there, and for that I am sorry. I must also confess that I haven’t even finished watching last week’s episode of STD Shack aka Bachelor In Paradise. This August has been a busy one, which is very different from my usual August routine of making regular trips to Coney Island Beach and pretending that I hate weather so hot that I must wear a tube top 16/7 (it would be 24/7, but who can sleep in a tube top?). 

From what I saw of last week’s BinP episode, Elise is a lil bit of a kookoo bird, Chris B. still walks like a duck (literally—that’s not a euphemism), and Robert’s nursing a broken heart (at the hands of a girl who is as overrated as One Direction—yeah, I said it!). 

BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS. What matters is that a few days ago I had a face to face meeting and hang time with Dylan, the Boston accountant featured in Andi’s season of The Bachelorette and Bachelor In Paradise (as Elise’s major crush).  If you recall, during The Bachelorette, I was pulling him for day one and not just because he’s a stocky hottie—also because he’s a Masshole.  I’ve been writing recaps of The Bachelor franchise for years—it’s how I got my book deal.  This here blog has gotten a lot of hits from Bachelor Nation and a month or two back, a sweet girl on twitter (Amy Ciulla!) pointed @dylanpetitt (the aforementioned Dylan) to my blog and he read my recap. He agreed with America that my reality TV recaps are friggity whack hilarious.  He then started following me on twitter and I followed him, which enables us to send Direct Messages to each other.  It’s like a sad version of Tinder up in here!

I sent Dylan a note and said that I was pulling for him and I thought he navigated reality TV really well—he seemed genuine and real and never said anything too inflammatory, which was smart.  He wrote back and was very nice and we had a few friendly messages back and forth.  I mentioned that I do standup comedy and I had some shows coming up in Boston during late August.  I told him the dates and he said he’d be interested in attending, so I said that I’d remind him as the date approached. 

If you read my book, you know that I have “lovingly stalked” reality TV hotties before (see "Chapter 4, Rule: Don’t Date a Guy or Gal Who is As Hair Obsessed As You Are" from The New Rules for Blondes to hear the Constantine Maroulis saga) and I always get my man (if by “get my man” you mean, meet the guy and plead for a photo with him).  Now I am two-for-two with reality TV hotties, as I invited Dylan out to a Boston standup show and he actually showed up, plus I scored a photo with him.

A few days before my Thursday night show at SweetwaterTavern, I sent Dylan a reminder and I said that I could get him and a friend into the show for free. Unlike the jag who stood me up on New Year’s Eve 2001 (you can read that tale of woe in my book, too), Dylan is a man of his word and he showed up at Sweetwater Tavern on Thursday night with two pals in tow. The show was fantastic—packed room, awesome line-up, some free beer—great times. I was last on the line-up and I was really happy with my set (some might say that I “friggin’ murdered” and some would be completely right). After the show, my pals and I had a nice chat with Dylan and his buddies about growing up around Boston, Boston nightlife, Southie vs. Eastie, comedy, and The Bachelorette. To answer the question that I have gotten a few times, no, I did not maneuver him into a corner and shove my tongue down his throat.  I’m not 25 anymore, so I don’t need to kiss every cute guy I meet (but weren’t those the days, friends?). 

It was a lot of fun to meet a guy who I had jokingly mocked/rooted for/adored on TV and make him laugh. He was even gracious enough to pose for about a dozen photos with me. His friend was willing to snap a photo of me and sweet Dyl Dyl inside the bar, but when I looked at the photo it wasn’t so great, so I asked him to pose for another one outside.  Yes, I can be shameless when it comes to capturing a good picture.  A few years ago I had the lady at the Brooklyn DMV retake my license photo four times—sometimes you just gotta get it right (though he warned, those DMV ladies will NOT be happy with you). 

What did I learn from all of this, pussycats?

I you can dream it, you can achieve it (provided that your “dream” is to meet a reality TV personality who lives in your hometown and enjoys standup comedy and drinks).  If I had put half as much energy into my academics when I was a teenager as I do into my reality TV crushes in adulthood, I could have gone to friggin’ Yale. Without further ado, I give you a photographic record of the time I met the hottest Masshole from The Bachelorette…

Our first photo together. We were so young and foolish! 
Photo #2 is when we loosened up around each other. 
Finally, we settled into a rhythm of love. This one will make a great engagement photo,
don't you think?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Bach In Paradise: The Kickoff!

Monday night, ABC kicked off their latest vehicle to keep reality TV “stars” off the unemployment line, Bachelor in Paradise. On this show, a house full of Bachelor and Bachelorette “alums” (that’s putting it nicely) will go on dates throughout the week and elimination will happen if they aren’t coupled up with somebody by week’s end. Does that sound like a recipe for hurt feelings, heartbreak, and rapid transmission of communicable diseases to you? 

Yes, and there’s nothing I’d rather watch. 

Who will be living and loving in Paradise this season?

-Clare – Johnny Pabs’s second runner up who is earnest and a lil corny, but sweet
-Marcus – fresh off a dumping by Andi (Ombre DA) and ready to get back on the horse of love/rejection!
-Sarah – cute blonde from Sean’s season who has 1 arm and seems like a touch of a wet blanket. 
-Marquel – also fresh off a dumping by Andi and ready to find love while rocking a straw fedora! Oh, make the fedora thing stop PLEASE!
-Daniella – blonde from Sean’s season who looks a lil bit trashy and opinionated, which means I both relate to and adore her.
-Graham – from DeAnna’s season (which I must confess, I didn’t watch—that was back before I became a die hard) who is the elder statesman of the house and who the ladies find irresistible because he doesn't seem to care about anything. 
-Lacy – a girl who was sent home on night 1 of Juan Pablo’s season, which is a bad omen. If girl couldn’t manage to make small talk with the guy who was the most superficial, bullshitty Bachelor in Bach history, what the HECK does she bring to the table? (I have a feeling it’s big boobs!)
-Ben S. – southern faux gentleman from Desiree's season who wears a shit eating grin 24/7 but god knows where he gets that confidence from because kid is NOT handsome or remotely interesting. 
-Michelle K. – total wackadoo from Jake’s season.
-Robert – uber generic guy from Desiree’s season. Robert is so bland that I feel like I have face blindeness when I see him because I’m just like, “Who is that mass of white skin and average brownish hair with non-dramatic facial features?”
-Dylan – Masshole hottie is BACK and it’s the only reason I’m watching this ridiculous show. Dylan quickly proves a theorem that scientists have been debating for years: the only thing hotter than Dylan staring out a train window on The Bachelorette is Dylan with a tan and topless on Bachelor In Paradise!
-Elise – blonde gal from Juan Pablo’s season who was known for her unending supply of sequined, pageant-y cocktail dresses.
-AshLee – southern belle from Season’s season who has spent her few years out of the spotlight investing in false eyelashes and highlights. 

There are 7 men and 6 women and at week’s end, the guys will be handing out roses to the women, so the mission is clear: LADIES, GET MEN TO LIKE YOU, STAT! (Bachelor in Paradise is taking a page from Nine West’s latest horrible ad campaign!)

A quick run-down of my thoughts from the episode:

-Every girl on this show (except weird Michelle K.) must have gone to her colorist and said the exact same thing, “light brown base with blonde highlights, please!” You know you’re in a sea of sameness when a true brunette shows up (the infamous Michelle Money and yes, I hate myself for knowing that she’s Bach “infamous”) and you shout, “finally some DIVERSITY!”
-Dylan and Elise fell in Love at First Sight, which I’m hoping turns into Heartbreak at Second Week so that Dylan is free to date me when I’m in Boston next week.
 -Lacey’s was doing a helluva job putting her hair up in bonkers up-dos while being wicked passive and making Robert and Marcus embarrass themselves for her. Could she BE more overrated?
-AshLee arrived in Mexico with a plan: to meet Graham, who she only knows through social media.  She then threw a tantrum and cried when Clare invited him on a date, exclaiming, “he couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours?” Umm… loyal to what, False EyelASHLEE? (OMG I JUST MADE UP THE GREATEST NICKNAME EVER!) He doesn’t owe you anything and by him accepting a date with someone, he isn’t being “disloyal” to you, a virtual stranger.
-Daniella was throwing out zingers and it's cracking me up. 
-There seemed to be a Clare vs. AshLee crazy-off going on. I’m excited to see how this plays out.
-Lacey and Macrus’s conversation about how they both have pretty eyes might be the dumbest thing I have ever seen (or was the dumbest thing when Lacey said she was torn between two guys and the balance of her affections was “80/40”?)
-Props to Sarah for being aggressive and telling Marcus that she wanted to make out, but it was still an awkward moment.
-Michelle Money (a late arrival) and Graham love each other, you guys, and nothing says “love” quite like a drawn-out secret handshake!
-AshLee and Graham’s conversation about “red flags” was hilarious. I loved how he referred to her intensity as a “red flag” and she tried to backpedal.
-While Lacey was straddling Robert in the crashing waves, Marcus was whining to Dylan that after his Andi heartbreak, he had his walls up and Lacey managed to break those walls down (in just 24 hours?). Those sound like some pretty weak, dinky walls, my friend.

Before we know it, everyone is done straddling everyone else in the ocean and it’s time to hand out some roses.  With the arrival of Michelle Money we have 8 ladies, 6 guys, and 6 roses.  Oddball Michelle pre-empts the rose ceremony by saying that she wants to leave since she hasn’t made a connection with anybody. Go for it, weirdo. 

Now we’re down to 7 and 6 and the roses go like so…
-Marquel dressed as a hipster pirate gives a rose to Michelle Money who is dressed as a flamenco dancer
-Graham who makes all of his decisions based on FEAR gives a rose to AshLee aka Fake EyelashLee. 
-Dylan who is rocking a jaunty vest that I’d hate on anyone else but I love on him gives a rose to Elise who admits she would say “I love you” to Dylan at this point.
-Marcus throws everyone for a loop and gives his rose to LACEY, which makes her now his possession (based on how she reacts).
-Robert is dumbfounded and gives a rose to Clare, who refers to Paradise as “Claradise" (#barf)
-Ben who is probably wondering why nobody really gives a rat’s about him gives his rose to Sarah.

So Daniella, the most funny, candid contestant on Bachelor in Paradise is going home. I hope the other people know how to crack jokes and talk smack, because we’re going to need some of that!