Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Bach Sean Recap 8: Hometowns

This week we were yet again treated to a double dose of Bachelor, with the hometown dates episode airing on Monday, then a “Sean Tells All” episode on Tuesday.  I can’t keep up with this much Bach and lead a functional life, ABC!  Back up off me, back up off me, wouldja!  The “Sean Tells All” episode is a new development (UNPRECEDENTED! as Chris Harrison would say) and I tuned in just long enough to have him say that he dodged a bullet by sending Tierra home.  Good boy, Sean!

Hometowns were a thrill ride of tears, half-eaten dinners served Last Supper style (that is, everyone one a long table), and bad tattoos (I’m looking at you, Desiree’s brother). 

Up first was AshLee and Sean met her in Houston, TX where her father is a preacher, much like how Sean’s father AND grandfather are both preachers at his church in Dallas.  How is ANY competition still going on with those facts in place?  Sean’s the son of a preacher man and so is AshLee—holy Dusty Springfield these two well-mannered lovebirds should build a  nest!  Over dinner, AshLee and Sean tell her parents of their travels and romance and AshLee is a little too candid about the romance part.  Girl, nobody’s father wants to hear that his daughter was rolling around in the sand “From Here to Eternity”-style while videocameras rolled.  Tears abound and overall, AshLee’s parents are a lot like she is: earnest, positive, good people. 

Up next is Catherine’s family in Seattle, but before Sean can meet three generations of women, he and Catherine try their hands at fish catching in the Pike Place Fish Market.  Catherine wears her hair down while behind the fish counter and ABC had better pray that the Department of Health doesn’t watch Bach, or that market will be SHUT DOWN!  (Trust me—in the food service world, nobody even cares if you have phenomenal hair—you’d better tie it back!)  They explore Seattle, walking through shops, chewing bubble gum and adding it to a filthy wall of bubble gum (I could hardly watch), and reviewing how to show respect to an elder.  At the house, Sean meets Catherine’s grandmother (who loves Sean right away), her mother (whose response to Sean’s inquiry about Catherine’s hand in marriage is, “We’ll see what happens!”), and her two sisters (who love saying “like” almost as Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie aka Daniella did earlier this season).  The sisters do a great job of torpedoing Catherine’s hopes of ending up with Sean, telling him that she’s moody and immature.  With family like that, who needs enemies?  One thing that WAS refreshing about the visit to Catherine’s family is that they showed a lower middle class existence, which The Bach normally NEVER touches. 

Sean’s 3rd stop was Army brat Lindsay’s hometown of Fort Leonard Wood, MO, where Lindsay’s father is a 2 star General.  Lindsay and Sean had some 1:1 time first and she was completely useless when Sean asked how he should address her father (THANKS FOR NOTHING, Wedding Dress!) and then Lindsay acted as his drill sergeant while he did an Army-style workout.  It was very 50 SHADES OF GREY if that book took place on an Army base and the younger woman was dominating the older man instead of the other way around and I had read that crappy book.  Lindsay’s parents seem great and her younger brother is preciously awkward.  Sean and her father go down to his man cave for a beer and man talk, during which Sean asks for permission to marry Lindsay and General Dad responds by comparing The Bachelor to the experience of a paratrooper jumping from a helicopter into enemy territory.  I bet everything is a military analogy to that guy and it cracks me up.  General Dad gives Sean a pair of dog tags before he leaves, so at least if Sean gets shot in enemy territory, they can ID his body (or whatever… I got a little lost in that analogy). 

The last stop on the Love Locomotive is Desiree’s hometown of Los Angeles, CA, where she and Sean go hiking in a canyon (is there ANYTHING else to do in LA than constantly hike and be vegan?), then prep dinner for her parents and brother.  While they are prepping, a scrawny guy shows up at Desiree’s door and claims to be her heartbroken ex-boyfriend.  Before you can say, “Wait, didn’t Sean play a ‘prank’ on Desiree during their 1st date when he tried to frame her for breaking an expensive piece of art?” Desiree shouts “GOTCHA” (is there a more annoying word/instinct in the world?) and reveals that it was all a BIG PRANK and it’s payback for that moronic “prank” from the 1st date.  Hey Des & Sean: can you guys both stop being losers?  That would be great.

Finally, Desiree’s family arrives and her parents are absolutely delightful: super sweet, genuine, open-minded.  Sharing a tent as a home in childhood must make siblings TIGHT because Desiree’s brother is overprotective and NOT happy that Sean is dating his sister.  Brother Nate must have learned the word “reciprocation” yesterday because he drops it in conversation about 10 times while he’s gesturing with his tattoo-covered HANDS (tats are cool, but hand tats is where I draw the line—it’s just trashy, I’m sorry) about how Sean must be a sleezy guy.  Oh, that’s rich. Isn’t that the white trash piece of junk calling the earnest virgin bachelor black (or however that saying goes)? 

Finally, it’s rose ceremony time and all the ladies are looking gorgeous (although Desiree’s gold dress is a lil too short for thick legs like she has—just a friendly tip, gurl!).  The 4 ladies are all lined up (final 4 is all brunettes, which breaks my heart, but aligns with my blonde/brunette dating recommendation in my forthcoming book THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES—out on April 23, 2013!) and Sean’s about to start doling out the roses but Desiree interrupts.  She pulls him aside to apologize for her brother’s rude behavior and terrible choice in tats.  But will it make a difference?  We’re about to find out.   

Who scores a sweet flower?

AshLee (HECK to the YES.  Sean has GOT to end up with her or the gods must be crazy) 
Lindsay (I think Sean just wants to hear more interesting military analogies, and who wouldn’t?)

There’s only one rose left, as Chris Harrison reminds us (thereby justifying his salary) and it goes to…

Catherine (I guess Sean will take “moody and immature” over “disgruntled white trash brother.”  I don’t see Catherine making it to the final 2, though.) 

Sean walks Desiree out and she repeatedly says that she’s “100% sure" Sean made the wrong decision and tries to argue her way back into the house.  Oh Des, have you never been dumped?  Save a lil face, girl, and get in the friggin’ limo where you can lose your shit in relative privacy (minus the whole “this is a network TV show” part).  Sean tries to soothe her, saying that he’ll miss her and she responds, “then don’t let me go.”  No no no, girl.  He’s saying he’ll miss you, but he’s willing to miss you—WALK AWAY.  May I recommend a book, Desiree?  It’s called HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (I know, I know).  Take it from someone who has gone through her fair share of breakups (the best/worst of which was a tool who I met in a comedy writing class and he claimed that he was breaking up with me because he “wanted to focus on his comedy, THEN meet a lady.”  Yeah, cause you get to pick the order that things happen like that!  That jag recently got married despite the fact that he has NO comedy career.  Score one for the jilted blonde who actually gets booked on comedy shows, eh?  But I digress), just walk away.  Don’t try to “figure it out” or convince anyone to care about you.  It will never work, so just walk.     

Was that motivational speech about break-ups long enough for ya, sweet reader?

Next Monday Sean and the trio are in Thailand for sun, fun, and high-pressure romance.  If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from about a decade of Bachelor watching, it’s that Desiree will most likely show up at Sean’s hotel in Thailand to “get closure.”  I can’t wait! 

Friday, February 15, 2013

Bach Sean Recap 7: Tierra's Last Stand

Jazzy cats!

My recap is INSANELY late, I know.  And I'm dropping late recap on the most dramatic episode of the season--are you kidding me!? And I call myself a Bach die-hard!!

I finally had time to watch Monday's episode and lordy lordy it was a goodie!  We had bikinis, unflattering photos, and a roll away bed.  What more can you ask for!?

The 6 remaining women and Sean flew to St. Croix for some fun in the sun and bonding time before "hometowns" (how sad is it that "hometowns" has become Bachelor jargon and we all know exactly what it means?  We all do, right? EVERYONE! Just me? SHUT IT!)  Tierra immediately sets up a room of her own (Virginia Woolf-style) because she doesn't want to share a bed with any of the other women (not very Virginia Woolf reasoning) and that "private room" is a friggin' roll away bed in a hallway.  Cool setup, Scar! 

AshLee scores the first 1:1 date and Tierra makes a crack that AshLee is a cougar.  AshLee is 32 and Sean is 32, so nobody is a cougar here, Tierrible.  If you insist on animal metaphors, a more apt one might be that Sean and AshLee are jungle cats BORN ON THE SAME DAY, jerkwad.  Tierra then wonders why AshLee is still single at 32 and hasn't "found someone."  Oh Tierra, just when I think I can't hate you more than I already do, you drop a comment like that and further the harmful dialogue that women can ONLY matter in society if they are married or pregnant.  (Women's Studies 101, what what!) 

AshLee and Sean spend their date swimming off a catamaran and she rocks a two tone bikini, which is a style I love and I wear on the beach at my own personal St. Croix, Coney Island.  Lovely AshLee levels with Sean about Tierra, sharing specifics about how unfriendly, fake, and childish she is.  Go gurl!

That evening they share dinner and AshLee admits that during her period of high school rebellion, she got married at 17 and divorced by 18.  (Look Mom & Dad: that makes my high school rebellion getting of a tattoo & shoplifting look like CHILD'S PLAY!)  They stand on chairs and scream about their love (holy dumb chills, Batman), then she drops the L bomb with Sean as they wade in the water and make out.  No rose up for grabs on that date, but Sean obviously adores her.

Meanwhile back at the lady lair, Tierra learns that she'll get next 1:1 date and the other women are SUPPORTIVE and friendly about it because they are classy as hell. The date card says something about exploring the town and Tierra immediately starts kvetching because she'd rather be on the beach or sailing with Sean.  Tierra IS Veruca Salt (the insufferable brat from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory--not the 90s band).

On their date, Tierra and Sean enjoy frozen drinks, stumble upon a parade (when DOESN'T that happen on dates, am I right single ladies?), and go shopping.  Sean buys Tierra a few trinkets and she is elated because Tierra's only type of emotional currency is ACTUAL CURRENCY.  Sean and Tierra sit and talk about "how she's doing in the house," which is Sean's tactful way of addressing the fact that she's this season's Vienna/Courtney.  Tierra is unrepentant, saying that she wouldn't have handled things in the house differently if she could do it over, which is probably NOT what Sean wanted to hear.  Tierra complains that Sean is being distant and blames the women for this (saying they sabotaged her), rather than accepting that maybe this dude just doesn't like her anymore.  Tierra is The Bachelor's Taylor Swift, constantly blaming others for her misfortune, when maybe she should do a lil self-reflection. In Sean's eyes, the bloom has simply fallen off the rose of Tierra, and it's gorgeous to watch.  (Is there a more appropriate place for "bloom off the rose" jokes than in a Bach recap? I'M A GENIUS!)

The next day is a group date for Sean and Catherine (half Asian, cool gal but a somewhat annoying voice), Desiree (poor man's Katie Holmes), and Lindsay (super bubbly runaway bride) and the date kicks off before sunrise when Sean storms their bedrooms and wakes them at 4:30 am with a flashlight and camera.  I assumed that they were going to be kidnapped and left somewhere off campus to find their own way home, sorority pledging-style, but alas they just drove to the beach to watch a breathtaking sunrise.  The foursome spent the whole day on a road trip across the island of St. Croix to the west side, where they watched the sun set and each girl had private time with Sean.  Catherine revealed a LOT about her father (depression, suicide attempts) and I'd bet that her dad's depression wasn't helped by his daughter spilling his beans on national TV. Lindsay went swimming but somehow ended up with a face FULL of make-up, and Desiree started crying at the mention of her parents.  It's getting emotional pre-hometowns, amigos!  There was a rose up for grabs on that group date and Lindsay got it, so Sean will be meeting her military father next week.  Gulp.

The final 1:1 date goes to rad razorback lady Lesley, who puts on a super cute, coral skirt and meets Sean in a park where they pick avocados, make out, and have awkward conversation.  Sadly, Sean says that his relationship with Lesley simply hasn't progressed the way that his other relationships have and it's a foreboding comment to me.  Maybe also because I already heard who got negged. 

The next day, Sean's (rad, blonde) sister Shay arrives on St. Croix to give some sibling counseling.  Before Sean left for this adventure, Shay gave him ONE piece of advice: DO NOT end up with the girl who everybody hates.  BLESS YOU, SHAY!  If only former Bachelors Jake and Ben had sisters like you!  Sean tells Shay that Tierra is that girl and tries to defend her, finally deciding to grab her from the house and to have Tierra meet Shay.  The timing is poetic, as JUST when Sean is walking up to the house, Tierra is screaming that she can't control her eyebrows, her parents warned her that other women would try to "take her sparkle," and that men LOVE her and woman are jealous of her (also known as the internalized sexism anthem).  There's a whole lotta hand motioning, head wiggling, and tears going on.

Sean walks into the aftermath and tells a tear-stained Tierra that she should simply go home, as this seems to be a toxic situation for her.  Tierra continues her tour of blaming other women, whining, "I hope they're happy" as she is driven away. GURL, SEAN DUMPED YOU--the other women didn't dump you.  Stop blaming everyone else in the world for YOUR LIFE.  (This is getting a lil Dr. Phil, huh?) 

That night, the ladies arrive at the cocktail party with no idea what happened with Tierra. They learn that Sean sent her packing because of her drama and AshLee has a moment of anxiety about her (minimal) role in the fight that afternoon.  Thankfully, Sean knows that AshLee simply got caught in the crossfire of Tierra's mayhem but AshLee isn't the dramatic one.  Sean doesn't want to have a cocktail party, though; he's going straight to the rose ceremony.  (If I were on the show, I'd be like, "No cocktail party?  Umm... can somebody just hold my legs while I do this white wine stand REAL QUICK? I have a straw--I just need a lil boost! I aint going into a rose ceremony without a little buzz, mmmmK? BTW Chris Harrison, I'm a HUGE fan!")

How did the rose hand-out go down?
Lindsay already had one, then they went to...

So sweet Arkansan Lesley is going home. 

Next week is hometown dates and Desiree's brother friggity whack HATES Sean. I can't wait to watch! xoxo

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Recap will be late


Word on the street is that last night Sean and the non-crazy ladies from this season said sayonara Tierra (that ALMOST rhymes--SO CLOSE!) and Tierra (aliases: Claw, Tierrible) was finally put out of her misery.  Goodness gracious is there an episode that I need to watch MORE than Tierra's less-than-triumphant goodbye!?  Dammit! 

Last I was busy drinking wine and eating a delicious, homemade dinner with friends (Buuuuuh, I KNOW! Cut it with the generous invitations, jerks!) so I missed out on everyone's favorite train wreck, The Bachelor.  I have a few gigs this week, but I'm scheduling some serious Lenny time with my TV for Thursday night.  Yes, while functional adults capable of love are out celebrating Valentine's Day through traditional gestures such as flowers, cards, or heavy petting, I'll be cozying up to a fresh episode of Bach (and probably some take out sushi and wine) to spend V night with my true love: The Bachelor.  So a recap won't be up for a few days, sweet pussycats.  My apologies/deal with it.  xoxo 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Bach Sean Recap 6: Oh Canada, Oh Tierra

I watched 4 hours of The Bachelor over the course of 24 hours and I'm dumber for it.  But goodness gracious wasn't two straight nights of Bach antics kind of fun?

After their week in Montana that was rockier the Montana Rocky Mountains (thanks, Wikipedia, for informing me that the Rockies stretch through Montana and are more than just a sweet John Denver song and a bad professional baseball team), Sean and remaining 9 ladies head north to Canada.  In Canada they'll tackle more active, nature-based activities and as BFF Suzanne and I were discussing, WE GET IT, SEAN.  YOU LIKE NATURE AND BEING ACTIVE.

This episode will include two 1:1 dates and a group date, with roses "up for grabs" (oh Chris Harrison--your Bach jargon is precious) on all of the dates.   Catherine (cute, spunky girl who is half Asian, I'm guessing) scores the first 1:1 date and meets Sean in a frozen, snow battered tundra.  Sean drives up in a giant snow bus and picks her up, then they have fun playing tour guide and making corny announcements on the bus.  (You know who doesn't PLAY tour guide, but used to LIVE it? THIS GUY! Yes, I worked for 3 years as a tour guide on the Sex and the City bus tour in NYC.  If you've never done that tour, DO IT.  But I digress.)  Catherine and Sean attempt to play in the snow and drink cocoa, but the ice and slush WHIPPING them in the face looks pretty painful.  That night they meet back at the lodge and hop in a surrey with a fringe on top (where my Oklahoma! fans at!?!?!) and ride to an ice castle where they sit by a fire and sip cocktails.  The producers must have required each lady to share a personal story this week because somehow eeeerrrybody in the club gettin' emotional!  Literally EVERY gal trotted out a story of dead friends/dead acquaintances/abuse/emotional turmoil and the phrase "that's why I am the way I am" was used more than once.  Let us not forget that the producers of The Bach are truly the master of puppets, just like Metallica wrote and my high school beau Frank used to sing to me. (He'd sing "Selena! Selena!" during the "Master! Master!" part... swoon.)

The next day is a group date and the crew is Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Selma, Lindsay, Daniella, and Lesley.  The ladies meet Sean at Lake Louise and they all canoe across, then learn that they'll be doing a Polar Bear Plunge.  To the uninitiated (or those who never attended summer camp), a Polar Bear Plunge is when you jump into a body of water in freezing temperatures.  You're required to fully immerse yourself (you MUST dunk) in order to really complete the challenge. The forced dunking part is why I would NEVER do such a Polar Bear Plunge (well, that and the fact that NO ONE is permitted to see my pasty skin in a bikini in the winter).  As many of you know, I haven't dunked my head underwater in a DECADE, thank you very much.  Blonde highlights are an expensive habit and I'll keep my sweet weave above water from here on out.  But enough about me.

Medics are on hand to supervise the Polar Bear Plunge and Selma immediately opts out, saying that her people are from the desert and don't do well with cold.  I give Selma props for saying no and not wavering.  SHE knows how to preserve a good blow-out!  The rest of the gals strip down to bikinis and put on Uggs and robes.  They assemble by the edge of the water and hop in, with Tierra as the last one in, I noted.  The dip is super quick and everyone gets right back out and puts back on their boots and robes, plus many blankets and hats.  Everyone except Tierra!  She's the ONLY girl who wore a sequined bikini and she's the only girl who couldn't seem to get her clothes back on right away.  THUS the reason she's freezing.  The sweet, Canadian medics on hand use their medical knowledge to try and help her friggin' COVER UP, but she's just flailing about and shaking.  They wrap her in metallic blankets plus regular blankets and carry her to a car, then put her in a hotel room where she is hooked to an oxygen tank and her mascara is ALL over her face. Has Tammy Faye Baker just been dunked underwater or is Tierra the newest member of KISS?

The whole thing was ridiculous and bizarre.  Out of the 6 women who jumped into that cold water, Tierra probably has the most insulation on her (no offense, just truth--she works it!), she was in the water for probably less time than anyone else (how quickly can Sarah get out of that water with 1 arm? Seriously), and yet she's the ONLY one with "hypothermia"? As the late, great Nell Carer used to say...

The girls are growing tired of Tierra's antics and sweet AshLee pinpoints it saying, "Tierra's like the boy who cried wolf."  TRUTH!  In this season of The Bachelor there have been a handful of girl fights and TWO medic calls and the common denominator of all those incidents? The watered down Jacqueline Onassis herself, TIERRA.

That night at the afterparty, Sarah shows Sean sweet family photos from her childhood, Tierra shows up late and walks like she has lost the use of her feet thanks to Canadian cold weather, and Lesley (blonde Arkansan) ultimately scores rose.  Sorry your plan didn't work, Tierrible.

But the night isn't over yet.  All the ladies go back to their rooms and Sean interrupts them, saying that he needs to talk to Sarah.  He has a private talk with her and explains that he is letting her go and he doesn't want to put her through 2 days of waiting.  A classy move on his part, but Sarah's tears straight-up made me cry. I KNOW!  Sarah handled the rejection beautifully, holding it together until she was alone, but her comments really resonated with me.  In her ride away, Sarah said that it's always the same and that she's tired of being told forever how GREAT she is and what she deserves, and that's when I lost it.  Sarah, I feel you girl.  Completely.  If I had a dime for every time I have been disappointed by a guy and found myself on the subway home, listening to a heartbreaking country song and thinking, "WTF? I'm nice... I have personality... I have good hair," I'd be a millionaire.  And of course friends are like, "You're great! You deserve a great guy," and I know, but where is he? (I realize that I just quoted one of Charlotte's lines from Sex & the City verbatim.)  Did this just get a little too real, sweet readers?  I'll get back to snark in the next paragraph, but for now: Sarah is a super jazzy gal and I know we were all sad to see her go.  And I hate myself for saying this, but you ARE rad, Sarah, and you do deserve all the happiness and love in the world.

OK, back to smack-talking and snark.

The final 1:1 date is Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes).  Sean and Desiree rappel down a mountain then have drinks inside a teepee that's decorated with dream catchers (somewhere my college Native American Religious Traditions Professor is asking his wolf spirit guide for advice on how to deal with the white man and his love of Native American symbols).  Desiree trots out her "that's why I am the way I am" story and shares with Sean that she grew up poor and lived in a tent occasionally.  Then Desiree fulfills the producer's dreams and makes a parallel between growing up in a tent and now kissing in a teepee.

Finally, it's cocktail party time and the ladies are dolled up to face rejection.  During the cocktail party, Selma awkwardly kisses Sean (practice makes perfect and I doubt Selma has had much), AshLee puts on a blindfold and Sean carries her around (more of that whole "being emotionally vulnerable" thing), and Tierra stews while wearing an odd, animal skin loop scarf.

Catherine, Lesley, and Desiree already have roses, so they are safe.  Who else scored a flower?

-Lindsay (her "big reveal" is that she sleeps naked. She's so deep!)
-AshLee (I adore her and want her to know that it's nor her fault, Good Will Hunting-style)
-Tierra (how does it feel to be LAST now, gurl?)

Who's going home?  Peaches & Cream Barbie (Daniella) and Selma. Peaches & Cream Barbie's just not very bright and Selma maybe should have been willing to dunk for Sean (after all, he LOVES being active!).

So now we're down to 6 ladies and everybody is heading south to St. Croix.  You better know that Tierra's packing her sequined bikini and a suitcase full of drama! 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bach Sean Recap 5: Montana is Tierra's Tierritory

Hello Bach Besties!

We have just launched into a 2 night Bach Bonanza with 2 hours of Bach drama Monday night and another 2 hours of Bachelor madness on Tuesday night!  Is ABC trying to get through this television train wreck of a show lickety split, ruin my social life, or both? 

Sean and the remaining 11 ladies fly to Montana for a week because Bach producers are running out of ideas and shots of mountain ranges and taxidermy are what the American public CRAVES.  The gang land in the small town of Whitefish, Montana where Chris Harrison gives them the deets: this week will include a 1:1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2:1 date.  In case you're a Bach rookie, the 2:1 date is the date during which one lady gets sent home mid-date (just like the time I went to Red Sox game with a date and he annoyed the living crap out of me during pregame drinks, so I put the kibosh on romance before the 1st inning even started.  But of course we sat and watched the game--I'm a Sox fan for life, even if I have to sit next to a schmuck who spends 5 innings trying to convince me to be friends with benefits.)

The lucky lady who gets the 1:1 date is Lindsay, who has morphed from drunken wedding dress girl to somewhat respectable normal gal over the course of these 5 episodes. That's a redemption story the likes of which Lindsay Lohan can't even swing (though we're all pulling for you, Lilo.  Me, your probation officer, and Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner).

A helicopter is waiting to whisk Sean and Lindsay away from the lodge and Lindsay exclaims, “Is that a helicopter?”  Yes, yes Lindsay, that is a helicopter.  Well, really a transformer, as it will later morph into personal butler, but for now it’s a helicopter.  Sean and Lindsay fly to the Blackfeet Indian Reservation and drink bubbly atop a mountain as Native Americans below suffer through the crippling effects of the forced reservation/casino system and its resultant drug and alcohol addiction trends.  Then they’re off to a rustic lodge for more drinks and forced conversation.  Sean does his best Barbara Walters impression, asking Lindsay what it was REALLY like to grow up as an army brat.  Lindsay’s father was often overseas and their family moved around a lot, which leads Sean to conclude that she wants to settle down and get married because of her unstable childhood (either that, or because Lindsay feels American society’s stigmatization of single, child-free women past the age of 30?)  Either way, Lindsay scores a rose! But wait, there’s more! A country music singer named Sarah Darling (Hardcore Peter Pan fan?), is all set up in the town square to sing a few of her “hits” while Sean & Lindsay slow dance and kiss atop a box. 

The next day is group date time and Selma (wearing a horrible, gaudy headband thing), Desiree, Sarah, Robyn, Catherine, Daniella, AshLee, and Lesley report to a pond for the day’s activities.  Sean says, “I don’t need an outdoorsman for a wife,” and for a moment I wonder if we’re in The Fire Island Pines or in Bach Land.  Oh, it’s Bach Land and these 8 ladies are going to show their “outdoorsman” mettle by completing a relay race of challenges the include canoeing, moving bales of hay, sawing a log, milking a goat, and chugging goat’s milk.  It’s like a kinder, gentler Fear Factor (Joe Rogan rules--seriously).  The ladies split into 2 teams and are given blue or red plaid shirts to differentiate the teams/make them all look like female bear cubs (the gay man kind, not the animal kind).  The ladies prove that they are terrible at canoeing (have none of them done this before? Summer camp, anyone?), bailing hay is wicked hard (especially when you have one arm), sawing is even harder, goats get nervous when they are milked on TV, and Desiree can chug warm milk like a sorority pledge.  The red team wins (Desiree, Robyn, Sarah, Selma), so the blue team (AshLee, Daniella, Lesley, Catherine) must hop back in the jitney and leave. 

That night at the after party, Desiree, Robyn, Sarah and Selma are excited for some time with Sean, but Sean has other plans.  He wants to find his wife and he doesn’t want to silly challenge to prevent him from doing that, so he invites the blue team to the after party. Robyn is NOT happy with this breach of official rules and Selma drops some third person threats saying, “When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry.” You tell ‘em, Selma!  Daniella, Catherine, AshLee, and Lesley arrive at the party and the tension is as thick as Rock of Love Season 3 when Brett added 3 new ladies mid-season!  But guess who else is crashing the party? TIERRA!

Scar, I mean, Tierra suits up in some unflattering boots and interrupts Sean while he’s filming at the after party.  She sneaks up on him and puts her hands over his eyes, just like we used to do when we were insufferable 6th grade flirters.  What’s next, a tiresome game of “Gotcha Last”? Tierra chats with him, they make out, and she talks about going into their date tomorrow with a “positive mindset.”  Yes, Tierra, you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, but you gotta work on that “people like you” thing. 

Back in the cocktail party, Daniella walks in on Catherine and Sean making out on a bench by a dumpster and it brings her to tears.  Thankfully, Sean the Bachelor LOVES women who are crying/needy, so she gets a rose out of the thing and Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie is safe for another week. 

The next day it’s 2:1 date time and the unfortunate participants are Tierra and Jackie.  Jackie has been flying under the radar, but I’m hoping she can pull through.  Alas, it’s widely known in Bach World (cough—my couch) that the 2 ladies who go on the 2:1 date are usually the favorite (sadly, Tierra, in this case) and someone who the Bachelor doesn’t know very well/wants to send home.  So it felt like a bit of a setup for Jackie, and yes, it turned out to be that.  Tierra reveals that her ex-boyfriend of 5 years was in and out of rehab and passed away a few years back, and that’s somehow “why she is how she is.”  She says that losing him made her afraid of losing love again, and I suspect that she watched Patrick Swayze’s “Ghost” recently because that refrain sounds a little TOO familiar.  (Ditto.)  The threesome ride horses, drink wine, make out in fields, but Jackie just doesn’t know Sean well enough yet and the other women are far ahead of her.  Thankfully, before she leaves, Jackie is able to warn Sean about Tierra somewhat.  I love cryptic goodbyes! 

Finally, it’s cocktail party time and everybody openly hates Tierra.  She joins the ranks of such Bachelor legends as Vienna (blonde girl everyone hated from Jake’s “On the Wings of Love” season—she won the season), Courtney (brunette model who was universally reviled for her use of the Sheen catchphrase “Winning!” during Ben’s season—she won the season), and Juan (guy who all the guys hated during Jillian’s season of “The Bachelorette”—he almost got his ass kicked). 

Robyn confronts Tierra about how she acts friendly only when the cameras are on or Sean is present and Tierra rails on the other women, calling them insecure and overdramatic and saying that she could get engaged anytime she wants (huh?).  Sean walks through the lodge while Robyn and Tierra are brawling and finally witnesses the dark side of Tierra somewhat.  He asks Desiree and Lesley for specifics about her and they try to tactfully explain that Tierra’s just an unfriendly jerk, but don’t have lots of specific incidents.  He has a talk with Tierra, during which she insists that she has a big heart, she’s “not a drama person,” and that the other women are coming after her. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. You know how you can tell if a person is “drama”?  If they insist they aren’t.  It’s a lot like drunk people. 

Finally it’s rose ceremony time, despite Sean’s crisis of faith in Bach Love.  The gals who already have roses are Daniella (who likes saying like), Lindsay (who has been laying off the sauce, to great effect), and Tierra (bleeeerg).  Who else gets a rose?

-Selma (wearing an unfortunate “dress” that looks like a silk tablecloth)
-Catherine (dumpster-side make-out pays off!)
-Lesley (Arkansan in a glittery, flapper dress)
-AshLee (has a “soul connection” with Sean, she says)
-Sarah (taking ladies down with 1 arm tied behind her back)
-Desiree (poor man’s Katie Holmes can put back a mean cup of milk)

Who’s going home?  Robyn, the sweet, African American back flipper who literally asked Sean if he “likes the chocolate” and metaphorically asked him to “show me love” is now singing “dancing on my own” (yes, that was a poorly constructed Robyn joke). 

But there’s more Bach tonight!  Tierra’s scar face further drives a wedge between Sean and the other, friendly women, like a female Bentley from Ashley’s Bachelorette season.  MY BACH KNOWLEDGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!