Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 4: With All Due Respect, Iggy's a Bitch + "Disingenuine" Is Not a Word

FRANZ!

On Monday June 19th we FINALLY got to watch episode 4 of Rachel’s season as The Bachelorette and it felt like we had been waiting forever!  Perhaps because we DID wait two weeks for a fresh batch of Bach (incidentally, that’s also the name of Michelle Collins’ new podcast).

And, while we’re talking podcasts, please note that I didn’t record an episode of TheFantasy Suite this week, though Dava recorded with a guest host.  I’ve been a bit slammed lately and not sleeping well and I fear I am spreading myself too thin with both these recaps AND the podcast, but the point is, I was in bed by 10:10 last night because I was so overtired.

And, as I’m sure every resident of Bachelor Nation knows, during the past week there has been MAJOR CONTROVERSY (and we’re talking REAL controversy, not the faux drama that is ginned up by Bachelor producers every season) because of what happened on DAY ONE of filming “Bachelor In Paradise” and the subsequent cancellation of the season.  Wooooa.  I’ll get into that in another recap (probably) but my quick two cents—Bachelor In Paradise is a show that REVOLVES around drinking and hooking up, so while I have sympathy for everyone involved and the whole thing sounds quite spooky, I’m honestly surprised that something like this hasn’t happened before.

BUT WE MUST TALK ABOUT RACHEL AND THE BOYZ!!!

OK, so The Bachelorette producers give us a quick montage to refresh our memories—Lee sucks, Eric is feeling insecure and angry (but that’s his right and I’m on his side), we left off mid-cocktail party. 

Eric and Josiah are justifiably angry at weasel-y Lee (who has a WHOLE lotta confidence for a guy that average in looks and below average in height).  Lee has a Masters Degree in Being Patronizing and laughs at both men as they get heated.  Eric utters a phrase that has become my personal mantra in the past few years:

You do you, Imma do me.

YESSSS!! Eric is completely right—this isn’t about ERIC somehow being consumed by Lee’s antics or Lee and Rachel’s connection (because I truly don’t think there is one)—this is about Lee gaslighting the hell out of Eric and attempting to manipulate him (and other members of the house, as we see later).   Lee says “I didn’t sign up for this to come here to make friends” which is like a dumbed down remix of the reality TV dating show mantra, “I didn’t come here to make friends.” 

Kenny and Rachel are chatting about wrestling (note to Kenny: EXPAND your conversations topics, dude) and Lee interrupts them, responding to Kenny’s request for 60 seconds with an offer of 16 seconds. That’s not how bargaining works, Tiny Racist. 

We see clips of the other guys in the house talking about Lee and Dean wins my heart (a surprising move because I normally HATE pretty boys) with the line, “I just think Lee’s kind of… a bitch?”  The male model and that Jack Stone guy (who is DEAD WEIGHT around here) argue over the correct pronunciation of “quirks” (it’s not pronounced like the fundamental constituent of matter, you dummies) as Dean very tractfully says that Lee “messes with guys he’s not used to seeing on a daily basis” (BLACK MEN). 

Meanwhile, Lee trots out a story about how his grandfather died of cancer but here is grandpop’s knife (shocked that made it past the TSA on your flight from Nashville to LA, but maybe you stored it in your pompadour?) and he used that knife to carve a dumb word into a block of wood. Good Lord where did Lee learn his flirting techniques—Camp Brookwoods for Adolesent Boys?  

Rachel and Bryan canoodle on the front steps (how killer was her sparkly, gunmetal eyeshadow? And those lashes! I love her style so much) then she retreats to the “candle room” to talk to that firefighter with a misshapen face (Bryce) as Kenny and Lee had a bit of a screaming fight in the backyard.  Lee did his standard moves (acts flabbergasted, refuses to take ANY responsibility for being a f-ing weasel, laughs at the earnest expressions of emotion of his supposed friends) and Kenny got really frustrated with him (understandably so, but also, you CANNOT let this guy play you, Kenny!). 

In a solo interview just after all that, Rachel started crying and expressing how much pressure she is under as the first black bachelorette.  I can’t even imagine.  If Rachel sends too many black men home, she’s being disloyal.  If she sends too many white or Asian men home, she’s not giving them a chance. She also has the pressure of being a stereotypically STRONG, black woman AND her entire family had better be absolutely PERFECT because they WILL be held to a higher standard.  It’s why the Obama’s had to be fucking inspiring EVERY DAMN DAY and why the Trump’s can be sloppy and dysfunctional.  It sucks. 

Bachelor Nation’s savior, Chris Harrison, appears at Rachel’s side and says that he can facilitate anything—just tell me what you need.  Oh Chris—can you facilitate being MY best friend forever? 

What she needs is to send some tools packing, so it’s rose ceremony time.

The dudes line up and GOODNESS GRACIOUS did anyone else notice that Alex (aka Hot Commie) is wearing dark purple animal print suit!? What is this, Las Vegas?  I like individuality but that’s just too close to Pimp Wear to be acceptable.  Rachel looks gorgeous (beige-ish, sparkly gown, sleeveless to show off her killer arms, hair down with a side part).  Alex (white guy who is the star of Outfit Nightmares), Eric (black guy who I nicknamed Tan Suit, though he’s not in a tan suit this rose ceremony), and Anthony (black guy who is JACKED and niiiiice) all have roses already.  Who is safe this week?

-Will (black guy in a light blue-ish suit, looking very good, also playing it cool—wise man)
-Dean (white guy who I used to HATE and call “Teeth” but now I LOVE because he is a straight shooter like how John McCain used to be AND ALSO Dean’s rocking a very unique pattered shirt, which I dig)
-Jonathan (white guy Cuddle Monster in a striped tie—snooze)
-Peter (white guy w/ the gap teeth and sorta salt and pepper hair—looking good)
-Adam (white guy, navy suit, he’s hot but has yet to show ANY personality)
-Bryan (white guy chiropractor who is CONNECTING with Rachel and it scares her)
-Matt (white guy from CT who truly looks like a young Burt Reynolds)
-Josiah (black guy, lawyer, dark suite, sweet smile)
-Jack (I dig the dark suit, no tie look, but this dude is just a lil corny)
-Iggy (Asian guy, dark suit, not tie. Iggy’s hot, but a gossip)
-Kenny (looking good in his purple shirt and striped tie)
THE FINAL ROSE GOES TO….
-Lee (short, not very hot, seemingly racist, singer/songwriter from Nashville. NO THANK YOU!)

So who is heading home?
-Bryce – the white dude firefighter with the somewhat strange face shape (I feel bad kicking him while he’s down now… but google him and tell me that face isn’t Silly Putty-esque)
-White Dude Male Model whose name I can’t be bothered to look up – it’s “QUIRKS,” you idiot.
-Diggy – the super stylish, handsome, bespecled black man from Chicago who I LOVED, alas perhaps he didn’t come on strong enough for Rachel?  I hope you can turn this appearance into some sweet free drinks all over Chi-Town, Diggy!!

Rachel is ready to leave the drama behind because they are all hopping a plane and heading to Hilton Head, South Carolina!!

The boys stay at a resort and do the requisite jumping on bed of new resort, screaming main character’s name as a group off a patio. 

Dean gets the first 1:1 which is a ride in a Jeep Wrangler to a field where they will drink on the Wrangler’s hood then hop on a blimp for more drinking and cuddling.  Dean is freaked out by the blimp part of the date because he’s afraid of heights (of course he is—THAT is exactly why this date involves heights. I swear, if I ever were to submit a profile to be on this show, I’d say that my greatest fear is doing standup comedy in hopes that they’d force me to do it and I’d feign fear over it then I would frigging CRUSH the room). 

Rachel and Dean have a fun afternoon, then over a candel-lit dinner beneath a beautifully lit tree, they talk about life, family, tragedy.  Rachel looks casual and sexy in tight, black pants, heels and a white blouse with black detailing.  Dean shows off his pecs (as always) in a tight, grey shirt.  Over dinner, Rachel talks about growing up in a very strict, religious home and Dean echoes that—his childhood years were all about nature, family, and church.  Dean opens up more than he has with any other woman (or audience of millions of random Americans), telling Rachel the heartbreaking story of how his mother died of cancer and how, at age 15, he didn’t quite understand it, and then was essentially left to his own devices from ages 15-18, as his family sort of fell apart.  OOof.  I’ve heard stories like that before—the mom passes and the family falls apart.  So sad.  Dean gets a rose and loses the nickname of “Teeth.” Sorry, bud.

Oh I almost forgot! Before the night is over, Rachel and Dean walk down a street to a stage setup where a singer who sounds Top 40, but I’m betting he categorizes himself as “Country” or even “Country/Crossover,” Russell Dickerson, is ready to serenade the happy couple as they make out for a few hundred smartphone-wielding strangers. PEOPLE! Why can’t you simply experience an experience? Must it always be videotaped? When will you ever watch that tape, anyway?  Can you tell that I was raised by a father who is militantly anti-videotaping? He loved taking photos (still does), but never shot videos and I tend to agree with his reasoning—how often are you going to watch those back?  But I digress.

Back at the house, dudes are assembling for a group date and the posse is Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Igg, Eric, Will, and Josiah WHICH MEANS THAT DWEEBUS JACK STONE IS GETTING A 1:1 and literally MOMENTS before that was announcement, I wrote in my notes, “it’s almost embarrassing to hear Jack Stone talk about wanting 1:1 time with Rachel.”  Welp, against all odds, he’s getting it.

The next day’s group date is a day on a boat (complete with dance circle, freestyle rapping, push ups, and Rachel sporting a captain’s hat like she’s Pam Anderson during her tragic Kid Rock era. 

These two are looking ROUGH. 

now THAT is how you rock a captain's hat

Spotted on Alex: MAN BUN! 



Rachel has the line of the day, screaming at the guys “if you’re hot, please feel free to take your shirts off.”  They day drink and get rowdy, then arrive back on land and the guys are forced to participate in the Bachelor National Spelling Bee, which was a SOLID challenge after a morning of drinking.  The judges are Rachel and 3 adolescent girls (who are LIBERAL with their use of the bell that indicates when a contestant has made an error).  The guys do pretty well at first, then drop off quickly and Josiah emerges the victor, playfully making jokes, asking if he can use words in a sentence so as to compliment Rachel, and, upon winning the golden cup, screaming “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, SUCKAS?”  Josiah is KILLING me—I LOVE playful dudes. Great work, J.

The after party is where things go off the rails and we hear the SECOND use of the word “disingenuine” this episode.  YES, TWICE—two DIFFERENT guys meant to use the word “disingenuous” but said “disingenuine” and I can’t help but think that for 70% of the house, “disingenuous” JUST got introduced to their vocabulary and they thought they sounded PRETTY darn smart.  You did—until you gave that word a little “genuine” caboose.  No dice, boyz.

Rachel looks beautiful in a black cocktail dress with a filmy overlay and some cut out flowers on it (that dress is VERY hard to describe but VERY lovely) and the guys are a big cleaned up.  Peter and Rachel have a flirty conversation in the wine cellar, Eric has bounced back since last week, and Iggy wastes the little time that he has with Rachel by badmouthing Josiah.  JOSIAH?? HUH? If you’re going to shit talk anyone, Iggy, shit talk LEE! COME ON!  Josiah? He’s being playful and silly—leave that alone!  Eric is right when he refers to Iggy as a “gossip queen” and Iggy’s very foolish to take this path—he and Rachel have ZERO relationship and NO chemistry, and he’s serving as just a gossip reporter. Why are you doing this, dude? Also, please stop painting your gossipy tendencies as that you are “weirdly defensive” about Rachel. That is NOT  what you’re doing. Also, I agree with Eric and Josiah 100% here—Iggy, it’s not your job to create drama and report to Rachel, then come back and inform the guys that you just shit talked them. As Eric said, Iggy, you continue to be in the sauce of the mixing pot—YOU are part of the problem.   And as Josiah said even more beautifully,

“WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, IGGY’S A BITCH.”

That quote is absolute perfection.

But wait, let’s not forget about the even BIGGER asshole in the house, LEE!  He and Rachel sit down to talk and she wisely asks him why she KEEPS hearing his name and why Kenny was screaming at him.  Lee accepts ZERO responsibility, of course, and claims that Kenny was VERY AGGRESSIVE toward him (ummm you’re both grown men, are you not) and then calls Kenny a “butthole.”  Cool moves, bro.

Later, Rachel and Kenny chat outside and Kenny performs a sweet freestyle rap in which he rhymes “journey” with “attorney.” Rachel confronts him about the Lee scene and Kenny admits that Lee baited him and that he’s ashamed that he let Lee get him so wound up.  Their conversation is disrupted by another suitor and Kenny feels frustrated that he wasted his precious time with Rachel discussing Lee and trying to prove that he’s not an aggressive, angry guy.  Ugh. 

Kenny takes that moment of clarity and squanders it, heading back into the super nautical country club bar and asking Lee if he will come outside for a word on the patio. This will end badly, but we’ll have to wait until next week to find out HOW badly. 

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Bachelorette Rachel: Ep 3: Mud Fighting In a Honkey Tonk Bar? It's My Dream Date!

Greetings!

Monday night's episode was action packed, and I'm not just talking about the mud wrestling and horse shit.

We rejoined our fair maiden (Rachel) and her suitors (Diggy, Iggy, and the gang) where we left them--on a cliffhanger.  Everybody was all done up for a cocktail party and rose ceremony, but we had a party crasher--DeMario.



As you will recall, last week DeMario was asked to "go the F home" by Rachel "I will not be made a fool of" Lindsay and Bachelor Nation loves her for it!  But he's delusional and/or smitten, so he shows up to the Bachelor Mansion to try and win her back.  The guys heard that DeMario was in the driveway, so they assembled and acted tough while being "held off" by Bachelor Mansion security and Rachel walked down to DeMario to hear him plead his case.

Can we talk about her strut down to him? Chris Harrison escorted her and OMG I wish it had been in slow motion--it was SO fierce!  Rachel was all done up in that killer dress--black, slinky, slit up the leg, gold edging, fur coat--she was like a modern day Foxy Brown (the original) dream sequence!

DeMario pleads his case, saying that he hasn't been able to sleep, he knows he messed up, he didn't keep it real (her motto), and that "one of my favorite quotes is, in order to experience joy, you need to experience pain." Oh DeMario.  Even though Puff Diddy literally said that line in a song by girl band Danity Kane, it's not really an inspirational quote, so much as it's the meaning behind much better written, poetic inspirational quotes. For example: you need to live through winter to appreciate spring.  See?  THERE is an inspirational quote.

Anyway--somehow DeMario feels that in the 18-24 hours he just spent in the "dog house" (a hotel paid for by ABC, that is), he has learned a LOT.  God bless Rachel because she keeps her cool, she hears him out, and she is NOT HAVING IT. YES Rachel YES YES YES!! Her response is equal parts beautiful and hilarious, with her assuring him that she's glad he learned this life lesson, good and bad, all that stuff, but she wants a MAN and the way he behaved after the basketball game was the behavior of a BOY, so take this lesson with you as you go forward, DeMario, but forward aint into the Bachelor Mansion.  Thank you.

bye bye, DeMario 
The men are ELATED at how Rachel handled that--she had poise, grace, and all of those other adjectives that Madonna used to describe actresses in "Vogue."

Rachel doesn't miss a beat (which is what impressed me THE MOST because I would probably be feeling a little jittery and maybe pop into that bathroom for a quick cry after that scene) and dives into the cocktail party.  She laughs at Alex's Rubix Cube skills, at Jonathan's giant fabric hands (WHY WHY WHY? Is the props department in The Bachelorette just itching for something to do?), fawns over Kenny's sweet photos, and plays basketball in the driveway with Will.  It's all so sweet, until Loser Cruiser Twosome Blake and Lucas (aka Wahboom) decide that they want some time on camera.

Rachel gets some alone time with Lucas (who is wearing a plaid, baby blue suit jacket straight out of CADDYSHACK) and she asks him point blank why he and Blake are at odds.  Lucas responds with what I bet he thought was a funny joke ("maybe he likes me? Ya know, like, maybe he is GAY HAHAHHAAHAH! Get it GAY??") and Rachel doesn't laugh or "yes and" it (good move), then Lucas tells an obviously fictitious story about Blake supposedly watching him sleep and eating a banana while he does that.  Oh man I HATE people like this--people who will tell "jokes" that are really just dumb, silly lies, but they deliver them so ineffectually that the listener usually doesn't "get the joke" because it's not funny! Ahhhh! Get Wahboom outta here!

Also, can we please trot out this silly quarrel that is, as Rachel put it, "he said-he said" the next time anyone claims that The Bachelor features cat fights and petty quarrels (because the house is full of women)?  In fact, these men are PETTY AS HELL and there is DRAMA within the house, so that shit knows no gender boundaries.

At long last it's time for gorgeous Rachel to line-up these dudes and embarrass some of them on primetime TV.  Peter (gap teeth) already had a rose from last week's 1:1, Dean has one (remember when he walked Rachel to her car? Dreamy), and Josiah has one, also.

 Who scores a rose next?

-Bryan (white dude chiropractor, good kisser, but I don't love him)
-Bryce (white dude firefighter whose face is LEGIT like overstretched Silly Putty)
-Eric (black guy aka Tan Suit rocking a TAN SUIT!)
-Anthony (black guy with a bald head and cool style, though I HATE this suit--navy suit and black shirt? MY EYES ARE BLEEDING AND THAT IS SURPRISING BECAUSE GUY IS HOT BUT NEEDS A STYLIST. Could be be colorblind? I used to date a guy who would wear bad color combinations and it was because he was colorblind (and also a friggin' DOOOOUCHE haha KEVIN I HATE YOU STILL).
-Will (black guy, light grey suit, seems playful and cool)
-Jonathan (white guy Tickle Monster who seems fun but sorta lame)
-Jack (white guy, attorney guy, does nothing for me)
-Matt (white guy, CT dude, yellow tie, he's fine)
-Alex (hot Commie (is that offensive?) who is hella husky and has hot stubble. YES PLEASE.)
-Adam (I'm willing to admit that he's HOT but that weird Adam Jr. doll still creeps me out)
-Kenny (black dude wrestler who I am ROOTING for)
-Brady (white dude male model who tried to be funny at the close of the episode, but I don't think he quite gets it, ya know?)
-Lee (short nobody who is revealing himself to be a patronizing MONSTER)
-Iggy (Asian guy, red suit, I like his look but he seems a lil bland)
-Fred (black dude who Rachel knows from childhood, not doing super great)
-Diggy (black dude from Chicago with THE BEST STYLE. I hope that Rachel is saving him for later because he seem like a SOLID dude who deserves a 1:1).

So who is going home?
-Jamey (legit WHO ARE YOU white guy?)
-Blake (who I hated from the moment I saw him on After the Final Rose, so you might say I'm a Blake hating hipster)
-Lucas aka Wahboom.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over and the biggest TOOL to ever set foot in the Bachelor mansion is mercifully being sent packing.

Blake and Lucas wouldn't be Blake and Lucas if they didn't make themselves look like absolute DWEEBS on the way out, and they serve it up.  In the driveway, Blake rips into Lucas for being a "wanna-be comedian" (HA! Oh man is Lucas a frigging standup or improviser based in LA? I bet he's the weak link on an improv team with some shitty name like the "Jars of Bae" or like "Bae Watch" or like "Bae Street Metro Tech" or some other such Bae-based joke that the team members think will be HILARIOUS forever, but 3 years from now they'll find themselves booked on a 3:00 am show at the Del Close Marathon and their corny assed team name will sound SO dated and they'll all wonder what they are even DOING on this team. What is the goal? Is it just for fun? What is going on? When do we stop playing Zip Zap Zop?)

ANYWAY!

The next day Chris Harrison shows up to tell them what's on tap for the week: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date.

The first group date is a trip (and strip) to the daytime talk show "Ellen" and the lucky boys are Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred.  They all meet Ellen, the guys strip down and dance among the Ellen Show audience for money (I am not kidding), then do a Q+A session during which Alex admits that he pees in the pool and FINALLY I relate to one of these guys!

We learn that, of the 6 guys on this group date, 3 of them have kissed Rachel and 3 have not and WOW the 3 who have not are sounding like Pollyanna with their take on it ("maybe they just kissed on the cheek?" -Jonathan).  Fred is feeling left behind, so he tries to come on strong at the after party, but ends up fumbling.  He asks Rachel if he may kiss her, which I think can be a cute move, but the timing was odd, Rachel basically laughed at him, and then they shared a VISIBLY BAD kiss. Rachel looked amazing, as ever (black bodysuit with cool cut outs, thin straps, and funky necklace) and the other guys just made better use of their time with Rachel.

In a BRUTAL maneuver, Rachel picks up the group date rose and pulls Fred aside, so we all thought he was getting the rose, but NO, ole' Freddy was getting sent home!  Rachel expresses it really beautifully, Fred handles the rejection well, and is whisked away.  I'm sure he'll see Rachel at a family BBQ in the future and never live this down.  Bye bye, Fred! Oh, also, the group date goes to Alex, thereby proving the old adage "he who pees in the shared pool always gets the girl."

The next day, Eric is unraveling at the Bachelor mansion and it's too bad because it's one of those things where you feel insecure and you're filled with shame about it and you keep rambling about it and other dudes chime in and make you feel even MORE insecure and it's like a Dane Cook standup  album filled with odd anecdotes more than jokes: A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

The 1:1 goes to Anthony, who impresses Bachelor Nation with his calm confidence and willingness to go with the flow.  Plus he's hot and JACKED.  Rachel and Anthony spend the day trotting around Rodeo Drive (literally---on horses) and shopping at overpriced stores, then letting a horse drop a deuce in a corny Beverly Hills tourist trap.  Nice work!  That night they get done up to enjoy drinks, conversation, and hand holding at a table overlooking the LA skyline.  Anthony wins our hearts with his thoughts about family, paying it forward, and his love for his parents and younger siblings. Rachel gives him a rose and then they sorta halfway dance/halfway stand around kissing in front of a jazz quartet that was very LA LA LAND.  (Did anyone else sorta hate that movie? I WANTED to love it but I just didn't).

Back at the house, Eric continues to unravel and for whatever reason, Iggy thinks he should chime in.  Eric is emotional and feeling insecure, so he makes a silly comment about Rachel's motives and the other guys will, no doubt, never let him hear the end of it.

The next day is a group date taken DIRECTLY from MY DREAMS, as it's a MUD WRESTLING tournament at a HONKEY TONK BAR.  Ummmm hello--I have picked my wedding venue!! Now I just need a charismatic man with a big belly please!!!

The boys who will be stripping down and wrasslin' are Brady (model), Dean (teeth), Adam (hot but #NeverForget Puppetgate), Kenny (this is his DREAM date even more than it's my dream date), Bryce (oh, you're still here? HOW?), Lee (you're too average and scrawny to have that much confidence, guy), Jack (dead weight), and Eric (feeling insecure is NEVER a good thing).

Rachel's besties, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis are joining the crew for the day and it's a rowdy bar scene!  A true "bottle blonde"lady (the bar owner?) runs the show and the dudes strip down and do some last minute push ups and screaming to get pumped up.  Kenny is FIRED UP and this honkey tonk bar is about to experience "the pretty boy pitbull."


action shots

Everyone does surprisingly well, even Jack, the wimpy looking lawyer who it as stunned as we are that he's even still on the show.  The ladies wear clear raincoats (I sorta love those) and drink and cheer as the mayhem goes down.  The final round is Kenny vs. Bryce and somehow Bryce wins, which Kenny handles gracefully.

If nothing else, I bet this is good for their pores?

While the guys "shower off" (they were using a frigging garden hose!), Rachel confers with her gals and everybody likes Dean.  Raven reports that both Lee and Bryce said that perhaps Eric isn't right for Rachel.

That night at Oak Canyon Ranch, Rachel rocks a lovely, heather grey dress and jacket (sometimes monochromatic looks can be SO great) and has great conversation with Kenny and Dean.  Adam falls flat and she seems to have ZERO connection with Jack.  Eric opens up to Rachel, saying that he has been running from his feeling his entire life, feels vulnerable and anxious about that.  Rachel listens thoughtfully and seems to have a lot of fondness for him, but she shoots him straight that 2 guys (and she names them--Lee and Bryce) said that Eric may not have pure motives and I gotta stop right here and say I am VERY ANNOYED that somehow the idea that Eric may not be right for Rachel has become "Eric has bad motives."  I don't think that's what anyone meant.

Eric sits down with the guys and immediately asks Lee and Bryce to fess up.  Bryce sort of admits that he said something but that it wasn't about motives, whereas Lee leans into it and claims that he talked shit because Eric has never been in love and is inexperienced in relationships.  Dude, Lee, WHAT DO YOU CARE?? RUN YOUR OWN RACE, JACKASS.  Buh.  At this point, Lee becomes SO patronizing and keeps saying to Eric "I love you to death" while also making him feel ashamed for not having more breakups in his past.  HUH?  Eric got really frustrated (understandably so) and sorta fell for Lee's manipulations.   Lee is a gaslighter and a manipulator and a pussy.  NO THANK YOU.

The next evening is the rose ceremony and the guys are dressed up and Rachel's sporting a sparkly, gold gown with a side part (change it up! Yes).  Eric chats with the guys and says that since he has a rose, he just wants to share good energy and peace and grace and it's very sweet of him--to be mindful that perhaps he should hang back.  Both Lee and Iggy talk to Rachel about their tiffs with Eric, which feels sort of unnecessary and even Rachel seems like she doesn't want to get into the drama.  Hell, she JUST had to handle the Blake vs. Lucas situation--who's a girl gotta fuck to just get HIT ON around here?  Save the drama for your mamma and gimme some cheap feels, boys!

Finally, Rachel seeks out Eric to discuss this issue and she assures him that she's genuine, she's not here to play games, but that her antennae are up and she's curious about why she KEEPS hearing his name.  Eric handles it well, then goes into the living room to address the issues again and ask Lee point blank, "why my name is in your mouth" (a phrase I sorta LOVE).  Lee is patronizing as ever, giving him the ridiculous, useless advice to simply focus on himself because "it's not about you" but I'm with Eric when he exclaims, "it IS about ME because MY NAME is in YOUR MOUTH."  Eric is exactly right and I wish that he would say to Lee, "hey, guy, you're SO obsessed with trying to paint me as a fraud ONLY because YOU are a fraud and you're here to be on TV ONLY and you are being rude to me and patronizing me, the when I react in an appropriate way to someone who is antagonizing me, you try to make ME seem like the bad guy!"

Next week dumbass psychopath Lee will learn that referring to black men as "too aggressive" and "too intense" is just like referring to women as "crazy" in that both moves used by shitty people trying to pathologize and undermine and shame others for having NORMAL emotions and responses.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS IS THIS A BACHELORETTE RECAP OR AN ACADEMIC PAPER ON THE SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF GASLIGHTING?

GOODNIGHT!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Bachelorette Rachel: A Dirty Dog Gets Dismissed, White Dudes Are Kinda Buggin'

Greetings, fellow residents of Bachelor Nation!  How was your Memorial Day weekend? I hope that you all enjoyed long weekends, remembered the fallen troops who gave their lives for us (Memorial Day weekend is about more than just the premier of official white jeans season! Though I LOVE white jeans season), and ate/drank a bit too much.

Speaking of drinking too much, on Monday night we enjoyed episode 2 of Rachel's season as The Bachelorette and there was definitely drunken drama!  The line of the night goes to loving father/professional wrestler Kenny, who said, "these white dudes are kind buggin' right now" and all of Bachelor Nation cheered.

If you prefer to HEAR two Bachelor Nation lifers chat about this episode, listen to The Fantasy Suite, my and Dava Krause's amazing Bach podcast here.

But to start at the beginning...

The episode opens with Rachel waking up after the "first night" (which lasts roughly 16 hours) and playing with her dog Copper (who has a mysterious leg injury THAT IS NEVER explained! Will we EVER know the truth about CopperGATE?) while the guys perform their legally mandated "RACHEL!" group scream off the Bachelor Mansion upstairs deck.

Chris Harrison maps out the week for them: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date, roses up for grabs on all dates, don't fuck it up.

The first date is about how Rachel is looking for husband material (I LOVE her attitude in all of this--she KNOWS she's a catch and aint afraid to say it!) and the guys invited are Dean (white guy with blinding teeth, 25), Jack (white guy who seems allergic to ties and personality), Jonathan (white boy tickle monster BOOOO), Blake (white dude sorta redhead drummer guy who I do NOT like), Iggy (husky Asian guy who is HOT but maybe not that interesting?), Kenny (black guy Vegas wrestler who is a CONTENDER for sure), Fred (black guy, hometown hottie), and Lucas (white guy who feels like a character from The Chapelle Show who is "The Whitest, Corniest White Guy Of All Time").

They head out to a grassy field where Rachel is BBQing in a sundress.  The crew enjoys a bunch of Moscow Mules (SO hot right now!), a playful football game, and Blake establishes that he knows "the real Lucas" and that "the one person who could ruin this for him is me" (which I think is quite generous, Blake. Surely Lucas's horrendous personality and inability to chill out could serve to ruin this for himself, ya know?).  Blake never says it outright, but I read online that Lucas and Blake were both on WE TV's "Ex Isle"--a reality TV show in which exes live on a deserted island after a 3 hour tour or something?  Really, who cares--but HOW PATHETIC is it that TWO dudes from a LAME reality TV show on a completely unpopular network (sorry "WE TV" but legit who are you?) are reunited on a DIFFERENT reality TV show?  THIS is truly what's wrong with our country.

The second part of this group date is the Husband Material Challenge, a set of stations that each guy must master, and that course is overseen by Bachelor Nation residents Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis! Oh man I bet this is an episode of The Bachelorette that Demi Moore WON'T be watching.  The stations are dad duties: changing a dirty diaper, strapping the baby into a Baby Bjorn and wearing it, vacuuming, clogging a drain, finding a diamond ring, setting a table, picking up flowers.  Ashton and Mila supervise and at the end, things come down to Kenny vs. Lucas.  You can tell that EVERYONE is rooting for Kenny, but somehow Lucas wins it all (well, not really "somehow" so much as he nearly drowns his baby and then clotheslines Kenny).  Rachel puts a "winner" medal around his neck, but unlike the winner of most other challenges in other seasons, Rachel and Lucas don't get any alone time, which made me laugh.  He won't be around long.

I must say, I am not and have never been a big Ashton Kutcher fan.  I know that he charmed America during his turn on "That 70's Show" and the sociopaths who enjoy prank shows LOVED his show "Punk'd" (wherein wealthy people were lead to believe that bad things had happened to them for up to 15 minutes of anxiety then they had a big reveal that HA HA HA this is just professional jagoff Ashton Kutcher messing with you! Fear not, rich celebrity, your Miata convertible was NOT filled with horse dung--it's fine! You're still rich! You will ALWAYS be fine! Economic insecurity, police brutality, being crushed underfoot by the inherent violence of capitalism--those things will NEVER harm you!! Hahahhaha isn't that great TV programming?). ALAS, I gained a small iota of affection for Mr. Kutcher during this episode, ONLY because he flatly REFUSED to understand or enjoy or go along with "Wahboom" and for that, I respect him.

Meanwhile, back at the house singer/songwriter Lee is extremely tiresome and Will has noticed!

At the group date after party Rachel rocks a VERY low cut black dress with zipper edging down the front V neck and a zipper horizontally up the leg.  She's also sporting a red lip and looks fierce.  To be polite, Rachel pulls Lucas aside first (since he won, so she probably HAD to) and he reads her a moronic poem that concludes with him mis-using the word "entail."  While Lucas is away, Blake tells the other guys on the group date that he knows Lucas from a "previous encounter" (is that what they call a previous reality TV show nowadays because it sounds like they hooked up) and that Lucas is NOT here for Rachel, he just wants to be on TV, and he has been peddling this weird "Wahboom" garbage for 3 years. None of this surprises ANY of the guys.

Rachel gets 1:1 time with each guy and Jack acts like a pussy, Jonathan spends all their solo time talking about diaper changing (why no more tickling, Tickle Monster?), Iggy makes boring conversation, Fred insists that he has matured, and Blake informs Rachel that Lucas is full of shit and not here for the right reasons. Dean, the 25-year-old who I have been mocking for his teeth size/brightness, turns out to be pretty playful and charismatic, and he and Rachel get along great. Blake and Lucas nearly come to blows, which inspires Kenny to walk off in search of Rachel because...


Rachel and Kenny have a fantastic conversation and share a sweet kiss, but the date rose goes to Dean who then makes the STRONGEST move in Bachelorette history and WALKS HER TO THE CAR! I know it seems small and obvious which is why it is SO STUNNING that no one has thought of this before! I mean, no one has, right, my fellow Bach heads?  It was SO suave! Yes yes yes, Dean-o--talk my hand, walk me to the car, lead me in, then tap on the door.  GOOD LORD I SUDDENLY LOVE DEAN!! WTF????

The next day, Peter (white guy, facial scruff, dark hair) and Rachel have a 1:1 date (well, 1:1 + dog) in Palm Springs, CA, one of my FAVORITE places in the world.  I spent my 35th birthday at the Ace Hotel + Swim Club resort in Palm Springs and I love that place so much.  They attend "Bark Fest" which is like a Coachella for dogs (but with less drugs).

That evening over "dinner" (drinks served at a table with plates that will never be used), Peter and Rachel talk about their shared gap toothed smiles (that conversation was a dentist's dream as far as free promotion) and the fact that they have BOTH seen therapists.  Ha! That made me laugh.  He seemed anxious to share this tidbit and he even called it a "relationship therapist" which felt like a weird way for him to qualify his need to get some counseling.  Dude, let it rip!  Everybody's in therapy! Aint no shame! Rachel gives Peter a kiss and a rose and they watch some fireworks. In keeping with the animal date theme, Rachel says she's a "smitten kitten for Peter" which is SO cute! Rachel can do no wrong! She's just so damn charming and lovely!



The next day is the "SWISH" group date and the gang is Will (pretty forgettable), Jamey (white guy who has said nothing except that he thinks he has a good face and hair), Diggy (YES! Handsome black guy from Chicago, rad glasses), Alex (white guy with accent who likes to hang out with his parents and with strips of raw meat), Adam (white guy who is cute but will never live down the creepy doll thing), Lee (singer/songwriter/nightmare), Matt (white guy from CT who arrived in a penguin suit and seems bland), Eric (black guy who arrived in a tan suit and seems intense), Josiah (black guy, lawyer, cute), and DeMario (black guy, lil intense).

The crew assembles at a gym where Rachel is rocking an effortless Sporty Spice look (love it) and DeMario is laying it on THICK.  Then outta nowhere, who arrives but hit actor featured in AIRPLANE!, Kareem Abdul Jabbar (who apparently also spent some time playing hoops before he BROKE THROUGH as a brilliant comedic actor).  Kareem is hugely likeable and trots out some inspirational tidbits about how teamwork is important in life and in love yadda yadda yadda.  The guys work on some drills under the watchful eyes of Rachel and Kareem and we spot a budding romance between Rachel and DeMario, so YOU KNOW something bad is about to happen.



The dudes split up into 2 teams (purple vs. white) and have a super mini basketball game in front of a "packed house" (apparently the new definition of "packed house" is when 3 out of 5 sections of dinky high school bleachers are full).  One team wins and another team loses (who cares which is which, ya know? Such is life. You must go through winter to appreciate spring, you must suffer some injustices to appreciate good things, there is a season to everything, yes I am turning into a hippie dippy weirdo between these parenthesis) and post-game, the teams retire to the locker room while Rachel takes selfies with fans.

One girl sits Rachel down and drops a bombshell--her name is Lexi she's wearing an unflattering, white girl flesh toned shirt (WHY DO THEY DO THIS?) and a SCRUNCHIE on her wrist (did anyone else notice that?), but she didn't stop Rachel for fashion advice (though she should), she stopped her to share the news that she and DeMario dated for SEVEN MONTHS until he GHOSTED her to go on The Bachelorette.  DeMario never dumped her, never communicated what was going on--he simply ditched town and then Lexi and her beloved scrunchie saw him on TV in After the Final Rose. Wooooooow.  Rachel immediately gets DeMario from the locker room and he walks into the gym probably thinking that he's getting a rose then he sees Lexi and says "ohhhhh!!" as if he recognizes her, then changes course and says "who's this?" Oh fuuuuck you, DeMario.  THEN, as if he can't make himself look any worse, in response to Lexi's insistence that he still has the keys to her apartment, he was in her bed mere weeks before he went on the show, he says "SHE IS PSYCHO."

NOPE.
No.
No.
No, DeMario.

Calling a woman "psycho" is the favorite move of low key misogynists who are trying to pull a fast one on a woman, but want HER to seem like the irrational, crazy, problem one.  And people are finally calling it for what it is--manipulation, gaslighting, and a trick used to make a woman feel afraid to point it out when a man is treating her like shit.  The fantastic parody Women's Magazine website Reductress has one of my favorite takes on this:

I'm Sorry I Was Being So Crazy While You Were Treating Me Like Shit.  

Rachel gives them both time to talk, but DeMario has NO leg to stand on.  DeMario claims that this situation is "personal life stuff" which pisses off Rachel because THIS--THIS RIGHT HERE--THIS SHOW, THIS is HER personal life stuff.  She remains calm and asks DeMario a few questions to try and make sense of the situation, then she looks at the texts on Lexi's phone (at Lexi's urging).  Rachel simply asks DeMario, WHY did you cut off communication? Why didn't you simply TELL Lexi what you were doing or where you were going?

Then Rachel says something that I would like to have painted on my friggin' accent wall so that I review it every morning, "I'm not there to be played, I'm not here to be made a joke of" and I was screaming YESSS GIRL!  She closes with, "I'm really going to need for you to get the F out" and she walks off.  Now THAT is how it's done, my friends.  If it SEEMS sorta fishy and weird, IT IS, so trust your gut and WALK AWAY from ANY dude who seems dishonest or opportunistic ESPECIALLY if he refers to his ex-GF as a "psycho."

At the afterparty, Rachel looks gorgeous in a gunmetal, silk, sparkly slip dress and most of the guys work hard to make her feel safe, that she can trust them, and that she is protected, but Josiah does it the most and the best and is rewarded with a rose.

The next day it's RAINING and the weather matches the somber mood in the house, which Iggy phrases by saying "there's a theoretical cloud over the house."  Ummm buddy, actually there's probably a REAL cloud over the house but perhaps you mean there is ALSO a METAPHORICAL cloud over the house.  Good Lord where do these people learn to talk so dumb?

The men get ready for a rose ceremony and Rachel arrives in her best dress yet--black, floor length, sleeveless with KILLER gold edging on the arms/neckline, plus a gorgeous gold belt.  It's like a 70s disco dream and you KNOW how I love my 70s style clothing.  She chats excitedly with Bryan (chiropractor who got First Impression Rose last week) and is slowly getting her groove back after the DeMario drama when who shows up in the Bachelor Manse drive way but DEMARIO!!  Goodness gracious can anyone simply leave this show with their tail between their legs, or must they ALL return in order to save face, only to make things even worse?

A security staffer greets DeMario and brings Chris Harrison down to the driveway so that he and DeMario can talk.  Chris Harrison goes up to the house to fill Rachel in on what is happening and a few guys overhear, so THEY head down the driveway also.

We were left with a dramatic "TO BE CONTINUED" so we'll have to wait and find out what happens next week but I am PRAYING for a giant, street brawl that's DeMario versus Everyone.

See you next week, friends!

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Bachelorette Rachel: Boundaries, BYO-Cock Block, Wahboom

Greetings, my fellow Bachelor heads!!

Last night was the season premiere of Rachel Lindsay’s season as our intrepid Bachelorette and it did NOT disappoint!  Oh my goodness, it had everything: tons of drinks, men who lack boundaries, regrettable clothing/costume choices, and great hair (on Rachel ONLY). 

Before we dive in, a few quick things: immediately after the episode, my lovely neighbor Dava Krause and I recorded an episode of our hit podcast The Fantasty Suite, so if you want to HEAR our hot takes on Night One, then take a listen right here.  If you wish to read my personal hot takes, then keep going here.  If you want to do both, HAVE AT IT!

In the interest of not making myself go insane, I’m not going to list all arrivals and then the entire rose ceremony.  It’s just too much and there were just SO many dark suits (much easier to judge dresses, ya know?) so I’ll do a general recap, then share the Rose Ceremony dudes (and, of course, the losers). 

OK so the episode kicked off with Rachel—America’s first black Bachelorette—having photos taken and adjusting to life in the public eye.  We watched a montage of her “journey” (10 points! I used “journey” in recap numero uno!) from last season—receiving the first impression rose from Nick Viall, canoodling with him throughout their season, and finally, being sent home in a pool of runny mascara and silver eyeshadow.  Oh sweet girl—you’re too good for that lame-o.  Then we see a shot of Rachel back in action rocking a FIERCE 70s style jumper on After the Final Rose, where she meets her first 4 suitors from this season!  Rachel rolls up to her private residence for the season in a sleek, black sports car (or a fancy Mazda? I couldn’t quite tell what it was?) with her dog Copper (SO CUTE! Also I LOVE that she arrived with her dog) and they settle in.  She pops back to the Bachelor mansion to get some dating advice from A CREW OF GIRLS WHO ALL GOT REJECTED LAST SEASON, ALSO!! YESS-what a great resource, no?? 

NO!!!  

Literally NO.  

Nonetheless, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, Dolphin girl, 2 interchangeable brunettes, and Kristina encourage Rachel to “let yourself fall” and they all get misty eyed. 

But there’s no time for misty eyes, ladies—Rachel needs to get ready for the big “first night” that lasts 16 hours! 

Rachel looks stunning in a sparkly, white, textured, floor length gown that’s sleeveless and has a really cool design on the back.  She has on dangly earrings, hair down, fantastic make-up—she’s ready to rock.  The guys arrive and there are some good entrances (hotties, dudes who just act cool and normal, silly jokes), some bad entrances (an Urkel impression, really? Also a dude in a penguin suit, Blake the “aspiring drummer” who arrives with a marching band and apparently he isn’t only “aspiring,” he is also DOING it), and some terrible entrances.  

Yes, when I say terrible entrances I’m talking about Jonathan the TICKLE MONSTER. 

NO NO NO! I know that he was probably attempting to be playful when he told Rachel to close her eyes and put out her hand but he does not KNOW this woman and when she trusted him and played along, he GRABBED her by the waist and really forcefully “tickled” her. No way, bro.  I’m sorry, but that was just too much too soon. I literally don’t even TOUCH a person without asking them.  

The final arrival is Lucas whose job/nickname/hobby/lifestyle (?) is WAHBOOM (whatever that is/means) and GOOD LORD this guy is tiresome.  That “Wahboom” thing gets old before he can even scream the second syllable and the whole display (which is him thrashing his head around while screaming “WAHBOOM” and shaking) feels like watching a guy who was SUPER POPULAR at the boy-girl parties in 6th grade and then after that everyone just found him annoying and he stopped being popular but lacks the self-awareness and self-reflection to understand why.  I legit LOATHE this guy. 

OK so we head into the house and it’s standard Night One fare: dudes interrupting one another in a desperate attempt to get some face time with their would-be love match; dudes drinking too much and talking smack; dudes trotting out lame mini date activities that they desperately pray will make them memorable/appear to have a personality.  While Rachel has 1:1 time outside, Lucas (aka Wahboom and GOOD LORD it gives me dumb chills to even type out that lame word) “entertains” (freaks out) a few guys by asking them what level of Wahboom they would like.  Way to engage them in your lameness, Lucas. They pick an 11 (good call, boys—this one goes to 11) and Lucas obliges them, doing his signature move cranked up so hard that he literally falls backward off a couch during he “wind up” (that is, the “WAAAH” part), then when he pops back up from the couch to land the “BOOM” part, everyone has already lost interest and turned their back to him. That was delicious to witness. 



Oh speaking of creepy shit, we must discuss Adam Junior.  Adam, an ostensibly handsome guy who works as a real estate agent, arrived at the house with a freaky doll thing that he calls Adam Junior.  Adam Junior doesn’t look like Adam and he’s not a ventriloquist doll (not that THAT would make it okay) or even a children’s doll.  Adam Junior is a strange doll that has a facial features drawn on its face surface (words elude me in attempting to describe this bizarre thing), he wears a suit and has a wig (gross—something about that wig REALLY made me feel yucky).  He resembles those weird dolls that you’d see in a chintzy Italian restaurant that caters to large families—like those animatronic things that they dress up as carolers during the holiday season.  Rachel hates it and so do I!  Adam, why are you bringing your own cock block?



Adam Jr's family
Rachel gives the First Impression Rose to Bryan, a 37-year-old chiropractor from Florida (so he probably got his medical license at the mall) who speaks Spanish and is a straight shooter. He was a little too suave for me (I like ‘em SIMPLE as hell), but he’s a sexy dude who knows what he wants, which is nice. Bryan and Rachel make out HARD a few times on night one. 

Finally it’s sunrise and I'm feeing like, woa, whose ass do I gotta kiss to get a rose ceremony around here?  OK, Rachel makes her selections:

-Peter – handsome, dark haired white guy who is 30, from Wisconsin, was first out of the limo. I loved his plaid suit jacket—a bold choice, cool guy.
-Will – handsome black guy with a purple tie, did the Urkel impression when he arrived.
-Jack – 31, lawyer, white guy, dark hair from Dallas TX. I didn’t love his entrance (Rachel said “I’ll see you inside” and he said, “you better” which just reeks of The Game to me). 
-Jamey – Santa Monica CA white guy who made a remark that he has great hair and is very handsome. No thank you. Also, as they say “you aint all that.”
-Iggy – husky Chicago guy who looks part Asian and has great taste in shoes. He’s a cutie, but didn’t make much of an impression.
-Eric – personal trainer from LA, tan suit, black guy who carries himself a little bit strangely, I think. Anybody else feel like his shoulders were up the whole episode?
-DeMario – 30, Executive Recruiter from CA who met Rachel on After the Final Rose and is a strong contender for good reason.
-Jonathan – white guy “tickle monster” (you mean, just MONSTER?) who needs to learn some boundaries and get sent home soon.
-Bryce – white guy firefighter whose face/jawline are extremely strange
-Alex – white guy whose family we met earlier in the episode as they BBQs some type of meat. He has a bit of an accent—Greek, Russian? He’s super handsome, but the vacuum bit was lame.
-Kenny – 35, professional wrestler from Las Vegas, black man who has made a GREAT impression and seems like a solid dude. He has a 10-year-old daughter and I’m expecting big things from him this season.
-Dean – 25-year-old white guy who lives in LA and is literally nothing more than some voluminous hair and oversized, white teeth.  I am NOT loving it.
-Matt – white dude, dark hair, CT construction guy who rolled up in a penguin suit. Meh.
-Anthony – rocked a light suit jacket, 26, black guy, seems to carry himself in a very serious fashion, which I can dig. Seems like a slow burn and I like it.
-Brady – white guy, male model, 29, arrived with a block of ice and a sledgehammer. He seems like a bore and a half. 
-Josiah – black guy whose outfit was my favorite (grey suit jacket with black lapels—LOVE that style) who is also an attorney (loved his joke “see ya later, litigator’) and earlier we learned that when Josiah was 7, his older brother hung himself because of bullying.   After that tragedy (Josiah literally found him), Josiah lashed out, got into trouble, then at age 12 turned his life around after a judge spoke to him. Oh man what a tearjerker. I’m excited to get to know Josiah more this season, but I hope that his ENTIRE identity on the show doesn’t become that childhood trauma—I’m sure he has a LOT to give!
-Lee – white guy with BIG hair who is a singer/songwriter (I’m sorry but I hate him already) who entered singing and strumming his guitar (ugh) and I’d bet is here for the WRONG REASONS!!! No record deal for you!!
-Diggy – yes yes yes! Handsome black guy out of Chicago who owns 575 pairs of sneakers and has GREAT taste. I love his gingham shirt and pink bow tie! Hoping he sticks around for a while.
-Fred – yes yes yes! Fred is my favorite. Dark skinned black guy out of Dallas TX who, we learned, was a 3rd grader at the same school where Rachel was an 8th grader and she was his camp counselor! I think the hometown connection is cute, but will Rachel’s memories of Fred as a snot-nosed, 10-year-old troublemaker prevent a love connection? We’ll see!
-Adam – white guy who arrived with a DOLL.  Come on, man.  Rachel hilariously calls his name and clarifies, “just Adam.” 
-Blake E. – white guy with reddish hair who arrived drumming. Buh. I don’t like this guy—his initial interview was ALL about sex which is just too much too soon. I hope that this little drummer boy ba-rump-pa-pum-pums his way outta the Bachelorette manse soon.

We’re down to the final rose and she has a lot of guys left—Mohit the handsome Indian start-up guy from San Fran, Milton, another Blake, Jedediah who arrived quoting scripture (not a joke)—who scores that coveted final spot?

-Lucas aka Wahboom.  Oh Rachel, why, girl?  I’ll tell you why: producers want more bizarre footage.  Ugh.  In typical Lucas style, when she says his name he absolutely wilds out, shrieking “WAHBOOM” as the other guys roll their eyes and/or try to choke back tears at the fact that they are being sent home and this bozo got a rose. 

A handful of guys leave and by the time they are stumbling out of the mansion it’s legit MID-DAY.  Goodness gracious.   These are first night departures, so in the Bachelorette history books, they are mere footnotes and I can’t use up my brain space with them. 

Then ABC serves up some preview of what we’ll see from Rachel and The Boyz this season and there are LOTS of fur coast (I hope faux fur so that my vegan friends don’t get too upset), a few shots of Anthony (slow burn), Dean (nothing but teeth), Fred (hot childhood friend), Jack (pushy lawyer guy) and some BRAWLS between Lee (definitely here to become a country superstar—barf) and Eric (aka tan suit, shoulders up). I think I spotted a 2-on-1 date featuring Kenny (wrestler) and Lee (how is he a thing?), plus we get a visit from an IRATE EX-GIRLFRIEND! All of the ingredients for a fantastic season are here!!!


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In the words of American’s first black President, I’m holding onto HOPE and in the words of America’s first black Bachelorette, let’s keep it real, keep it 100, and have fun! No regrets! Here we go!