Thursday, March 8, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Finale Nightmare

OK, lovebugs--by now, all of Bachelor Nation and all of our great nation (well, not great right now, but our great nation circa 2010 or so), know what happened on Monday and Tuesday nights.  Rather than recap it (because I only watched/read transcripts of the Monday night episode because my On Demand is overstuffed and I had plans on Monday blah blah blah), I am going to share my thoughts on everything.  MY THOUGHTS! I KNOW!! Can you handle it?  Here we go....

OK, so first off, Pasty Snooze Arie pulled a Full Mesnick (that is, previous Bachelor idiot flip flopper  Jason Mesnick) and proposed to one girl THEN decided that he changed his mind and wanted the other girl.  Oh man.  That is truly THE WORST thing that could happen. This maneuver is crummier than back in 2007 when Bachelor Brad Womack PICKED NEITHER WOMAN. It's worse than Juan Pablo's God awful season that ended with him telling Clare that he enjoyed fucking her and then telling Nikki that instead of proposing, he'd like to just keep dating.  Arie has secured his place as both the most hated Bachelor of all time, and the most hated man in America and I'm glad that the USA is finally WAKING UP!

So in the beautiful garden and in the official finale, Arie proposed to Becca and sent Lauren home, heartbroken.  He and Becca were engaged for 6 weeks and when he decided that he wasn't feeling it anymore (but didn't reveal that to Becca),  he asked Becca if it would be OK for him to call Lauren to "get some closure," but what he actually got was a new girlfriend lined up.  In Monday and Tuesday's episodes, Arie attempted to play it off like he was evasive to Becca for her own sake, out of consideration for her, because he wanted to be TOTALLY SURE that he was going to call it off, but that's bullshit. He wanted to be TOTALLY SURE that he had another option lined up, and, shockingly enough, HE DID!  He called Lauren and they talked it out (with the cameras OFF, which is NOT the same respect he gave Becca--SHE got dumped ON CAMERA and he would NOT leave when she asked him to THREE TIMES) and then once he felt SURE that Lauren would take him back, only THEN did he drop Becca.  Fuck off, guy.

I read the transcript of the Becca/Arie breakup (as I mentioned above, it was a rough week with me and Time Warner Cable) and HOLY SHIT he is such a monster.  First off, he didn't really even SAY that he was calling off their engagement--he really made Becca crack that case, which is unconscionable.  Don't make the woman who you are dumping do the emotional labor WHEN YOU ARE DUMPING HER.  Second, she asked him to leave THREE TIMES and he did NOT leave because he wanted to clear his conscience and "talk it out" so that he didn't feel like a total cad.  YOU ARE A TOTAL CAD, PASTY SNOOZE!! Becca is NOT here to stroke your anxious conscience and tell you that you're "not a bad guy." YOU ARE A BAD GUY and the onus is not on Becca to make you feel less bad.  Fuck YOU.

Hoooo boy HERE WE GO!! God can you imagine if I wrote this recap on Monday while it was fresh? I would have punched my keyboard!

OK so then in Monday's episode of After the Final Rose, Chris Harrison (who I will love forever, even when he says corny ass shit about "haters" and how they are, always, gonna hate) is there and eager to chat with Becca's crew: Bekah (Baby Rizzo rocking white mosquito netting as a dress, plus a bright white bra and some dangly earrings that make her look like a 12-year-old who was JUST permitted to wear "danglies'), Caroline (former Miss Massachusetts gorgeous brunette in a LOVELY green dress), Tia (my razorback rad chick who pulled NO punches while rocking a white romper and hot, bright pink heels), Sienne (who was dropping some HARSH truths about Arie and I am HERE FOR IT--also she looked beautiful in her blush getup), and Kendall (who is def NOT really pals with that crew but needed to be there for diversity--she was the ONLY blonde).  That crew joined Chris Harrison onstage and referred to Arie as a master manipulator, a flip flopper, a liar, and--essentially--a psychopath.  ALL OF THIS WAS SAID WITH HIS PARENTS AND LAUREN'S PARENTS IN THE AUDIENCE and I looooove it.  As they say on the internet, draaaaag hiiiiiim.

After that girl gang dropped some truth bombs, Becca came out looking like a fierce disco diva: gold, plastic-looking dress (yezzzzz), perfect gold jewelry, hair sorta to one side, teeth FRESHLY bleached, smokey eye.  The DREAM look when you are going to run into your dumb fuck ex. 

I must admit that, for a change of pace, I just WATCHED and I didn't take notes.  It was a first--truly.  I wanted to watch The Bachelor like a regular humanoid whose life isn't hijacked by a blog every 4 months, ya know?  Because of that, my recollection isn't perfect, but I remember Becca saying that she's doing well, all things considered, she's moving forward, and that she understands it--if Arie isn't 100% about her, she doens't WANT to force him to be with her! 

Then Arie comes out and he looks even thinner and clammier than he always does, which is quite remarkable.  He and Becca have a stilted conversation and you can tell that his prepared talking points (I reached out to Lauren and didn't tell you because I didn't want to ruin your world until I was TOTALLY sure that I had some rebound puss) didn't quite add up.  Blech. 

Then Becca left and, I hope, went into a soundproof padded room with wine, because who came out next but Lauren, looking like she's wearing hair extensions that are in a semi-unflattering blonde.  Look, I don't mean to hate on Lauren and I shouldn't.  Also I LOVE that the first thing that Bekah, Caroline, Tai, and crew said was that they LOVE Lauren and this isn't about Lauren--it's about trashbag Arie.  AMEN!! 

But we can't ignore the fact that in these ensuing few months, Lauren STILL has not located a personality. Chris Harrison literally said something about wanting to know what was going through her head and she responded, "I don't know." I mean, COME ON!!

Lauren and Arie talked about how they are in love, they are going into hiding (ha), and never checking social media ever again (good luck with that--at the rate we're going, soon my twitter feed will be beamed OUT MY EYEBALLS #blessed), then Arie did the most motherfucking Arie thing EVER and he PROPOSED TO LAUREN ON TV. 

OK, dude.  I get that maybe you wanted to make it official, to give Lauren the TV proposal that you wish you had given her back in Peru, but maybe maaaaaybe, this time around, just take a beat, step back, and keep something just for you two.  You're headed to Europe to live in an underground bunker?  Propose there! 

Oh also, they said something about how all of the haters and all of this ire from Bachelor Nation has brought them closer and I screamed because asshole couples ALWAYS say that everyone hating them makes them more in love.  Of course they say that! What else are they going to say?

They disappear (thankfully), then Becca comes out because SHE IS THE NEW  BACHELORETTE AND HER SEASON STARTS RIGHT FRIGGIN' NOW!!!

Ok, another aside.  I get that ABC likes to do this and they pull people RIGHT into her season and it's a smart marketing ploy BUT, I just feel like it showcases a complete lack of boundaries and it always happens to THE BACHELORETTE and NOT THE BACHELOR.  They did this with Rachel Lindsey.  They did NOT do this with Arie (well, because he was a 2nd string casting choice at a random moment, but still) but they did it with Becca and honestly, I think it just asks a LOT of the woman to face her ex-BF, see him pleased as punch with his fiancee, then DIVE INTO DATING!!  Especially because Becca ended up sitting side saddle on a g-d horse.  I mean, what else are you going to throw at her tonight, Chris?  A PIE???

The stage hands set up the Bachelor mansion exterior in the studio and before you know it, Becca is greeting random jags who think they're funny.  I DID take a few notes on this part.  We met...

-British HOTTIE in a bow tie who was JACKED and I'm excited to see more of, though I missed his name somehow.  He called Arie a "wanker" and I can only pray that Arie's entire family was made to watch that, though I sorta doubt it.
-Chase - white dude, dark hair, sorta rubbed me the wrong way immediately
-Brian - a banjo-playing white guy who seems like a male Kendall and I hate him already--sorry, friends!
-Darius - black guy in a dark suite and blue shirt who was hot, but a lil inappropriate.  Did you all hear when he pointed at her and goes, "that's for me?" Ummm NO, no, it's not "for you" and "that" has a name.
-Blake - handsome white guy who was VERY smiley (don't love that) with his horse Bradley.

What did you think of the season, dear lovebugs? Hate it? Love it? Are you excited for Becca to be the new Bachelorette? I think she will be AMAZING and I'm rooting for her--as long as she promises to stop exclaiming "let's do the damn thing" every 10 seconds. 

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Women Tell All, BLAND-tasy Suite


I am, as usual, late with this recap and it's for my standard reasons (I work full time and perform standup most nights and I burn the candle at both ends AND ALSO that last thing is the title of a podcast about candles that I dream of launching BUT WHO HAS THE TIME???), BUT ALSO ALSO I'm late because, dammit, Arie is just SO painfully boring.  This season has been a SLOG and not even the whisper antics of Krystal or the wise words of Bekah can save it!

Sunday night's Women Tell All episode was an embarrassment.  There was SO LITTLE DRAMA there that Chris Harrison had to resort to showcasing "Great Moments in Women Tell All History"--are you kidding me? I haven't seen that much filler since I stopped stuffing my bra (and I really didn't "stop" so much as I just switched over to a SUPER padded push up bra because, listen, I have A cups and some shirts just look nicer when you have SOME sort of chest to put them over).

A quick run-down of Women Tell All:
-I always love this episode because it's the LAST CHANCE for most of these people to be on TV so they are all DONE UP like WOA.
-Krystal definitely had work done.
-Bekah's look was NOT my favorite. I think she's really pretty and has great style, but her bonkers earrings and old flapper dress were NOT doing anything for me.
-Chelsea needed more bronzer (God what is HAPPENING when a Bachelor participant isn't rocking ENOUGH bronzer?) and her dress looked like maroon velvet water wings.
-Bibiana seems to have gotten a boob job (no shame in that game) but SWEET JESU WHY is she wearing a dress that makes her look naked? WHITE WOMEN LISTEN UP: PLEASE STOP WEARING DRESSES THAT MATCH YOUR SKIN COLOR! IT'S CREEPY AND STUNNINGLY UNFLATTERING. (Can you tell that I am in a MOOOOOOD?)
-Caroline (Tia's pal--brown hair--gorgeous) rocked a white pantsuit (tribute to our actual president, Madam Hillary Rodham Clinton? I hope so b/c I LOVE  HRC) and spent most of the episode almost crying while screaming--I LOVED IT.
-there were jokes about Arie having a small dick, which seemed both unprecedented and accurate.
-Arie came out and appeared to be sleepwalking (dude is SUCH a snooze), straight-up said that he wishes he had a do-over (yikes).
-Caroline cryptically said, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID" and asked Arie if he was REALLY there to find a wife, to which Arie responded that we'll all watch how it plays out. DOUBLE YIKES! Unlike previous Women Tell All Eps, there was NO question of "are you in love" or "are you engaged" to Arie (WEIRD) and Arie did NOT seem excited. Yiiiiiiikes, man!!
actual photo of Chelsea at Women Tell All

Then Monday we had the Fantasy Suite date aka, 3 Humps in 3 Nights (and if that title doesn't get used to an upcoming movie starring Zac Efron there is NO justice in this world).  Arie and his remaining trio (Quirky Kendall, Corny Becca, Boring Lauren) head to PERU for SEX (and wine, tourist activities).  

Arie starts the episode saying that he's excited to get to know the women "on a whole new level" and that level is DICK LEVEL. 

Kendall is up first and she  looks like an extra from 21 Jump Street with her plaid shirt tied around the waist and jeans.  She and Arie meet in the desert and cruise around in a dune buggy, much like that classic 1990s song but Presidents of the United States of America! 

They attempt to have a picnic in the desert and eat food coated in sand as they discuss the fact that there are STILL issues they need to discuss and honestly, at this point, it feels like it's just too late for all that. That night Kendall rocks a red jumpsuit that I LOVE and Arie pours his pasty, Silly Putty-like body into dark suit so that they can eat seafood and talk.  Kendall makes a point that I REALLY relate to, which is that she often suspects that men date her as a novelty--she's quirky! Plays ukulele! Likes taxidermy! Isn't this fun and interesting but not sustainable? I REALLY related to that--plenty of guys are curious about standup, want to learn about comedy, but don't see me as a viable option for a partner, I don't think.  So Kendall, I get you, girl.  And I also love your liquid liner cat eye. 

Arie pulls the fantasy suite date card from beneath a table runner (DID YOU SEE THAT? It was like a magic trick OF DICK) and Kendall agrees to "forego her individual room" so they had up to the fantasy suite where Arie JUMPS on the bed like he's back at a USC sorority house (apparently he has gotten AROUND the sororities of SoCal universities) and it's lights out. 

The next morning they cuddle as the cameraman gets footage of their clothing strewn on the floor (ARE YOU PICKING UP WHAT HE IS PUTTING DOWN, BACHELOR NATION?), eat some eggs, then Arie needs to zip off to sex date #2. 

Up next is Snooze Lauren and she's rocking an off-the-shoulder, chambray peasant blouse that Bekah also owns.  Arie meets her at an airport and stands in front of a plane as Lauren enters, prompting Lauren to remark, "there's a plane behind you" and GOOD LORD LAUREN, that's almost as bad as the time when you called an Italian piazza, "so Italian." They hop in a plane and go look at the Nazca Lines as they sit in silence.  Later they sit at a table and Lauren says "like" every other word but manages to communicate that she is VERY nervous that she'll end up getting her heart broken and GIRL you have GOT to accept that possibility and get over it. I mean, IN LIFE there are no guarantees! Sure, your heart might get broken sometime.  Hell, you might get hit by a bus! You might lose your phone! Your colorist might royally fuck up your hair--ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! You gotta roll with it (baby). 

I truly think that she's playing up the whole "I put up walls because I'm scared I will get hurt" because she knows that she's profoundly uninteresting.  Sure, she's cute and dresses well, but there's no there there, so she HAS to claim that she has clammed up due to nerves--is she REALLY going to admit that she doesn't have many interests and knows very little about life and the world? 

That night over dinner, Lauren thanks Arie for being so patient and supportive and I suppose he has been, but he seems annoyed that instead of getting to know Lauren (bad news, bro--there isn't much to know), he has spent these weeks and months reassuring her. That shit gets tiresome.  Pre-fantasty suite, Arie straight up says "I love you" to Lauren which is pretty unprecedented.  Historically, the Bachelor or Bachelorette has NOT been "allowed" to drop the L-bomb to any contestant.  He or she has only been like, "I appreciate that" when a contestant has opted to drop the L-bomb him or  herself.  Also, yes, I just referred to myself as a Bachelor historian and it's v. sad. 

They head to a candlelit hump den and, presumably, test drive the 'ole car before they buy it.  The next morning Arie is wearing AN ABOMINATION of an outfit--black shorts, white T-shirt, BLACK SOCKS PULLED UP TO HIS CALVES AND BLACK SNEAKERS!? Lauren sees it and STILL kisses him, says she loves him. Get some self-respect, girl. 

Finally it's time for Becca--the 3rd lady in this sex hattrick, so we shall call her "Sloppy Thirds" even though she is my favorite of the 3.  They meet up by a boat and throughout their day of boating, laughing, and seal spotting, Becca is eager and enthusiastic while Arie seems a bit distant--or maybe that's just Arie being Arie?  That evening they clean up (Becca's rocking a crushed velvet 90s look and I dig it) to cuddle and drink in a SUPER COOL tent (great work, Bachelor powers-that-bee) where Becca says "I love you" to Arie AND HE RECIPROCATES!! OK, so now he's both sexing AND L-bomb dropping with 2 women in 2 nights.  Yikes.  

Becca and Arie's "fantasy suite" is a cute tent erected in the sand dunes and it's cute but I bet it gets HOT in there once the hump down starts, ya know? 

The next morning, Arie somehow acquires a tray of breakfast food and they enjoy a lovey-dovey post-sex brunch outside.  

Everyone heads back to the hotel and who appears but ROSS, Becca's ex-BF who is on a mission and also EXTREMELY HOT.  Ummm, yo, how about ROSS for next Bachelor?  

ummmm hi 
BUT I will say one thing.  Despite the fact that Ross is HOT and stocky (my kryptonite), it's a pretty creepy move to fly to Peru, drive 5 hours, and insist that a proposal of marriage is "yours" to give her. Dude, Becca doesn't owe you shit--nothing of HERS is at all YOURS.  She's allowed to do whatever she wants.  But call me, OK, Ross?

So yes, I'm sure you heard, Ross rolled up to their hotel and talked to Arie as if Becca was a possession of his, then talked to Becca and stupidly thought that she'd LOVE this BIG gesture and run away with him.  Props to Becca for rolling her eyes at Ross and telling him that life isn't "The Notebook." Boy, bye. 

Somehow, seeing her stocky, sex ex drove Becca back into the lanky, undefined arms of Pasty Snooze Arie and before we knew it, we were ready for a rose ceremony. 

Becca is in a whiteish flowy dress with a SUPER low cut v neck thing, hair to the side; Lauren is in a red dress that makes her look like a young senator's wife; Kendall's in a regrettable black dress with patterned top, flowy bottom.  They line up to learn their fate and Arie asks Kendall if he can chat with her. We all know what THIS one means--bye bye, Ukulele Player.  Arie and Kendall talk and she totally gets it--she's sad but she's also not ready to marry him, so girl has gotta go.  They have a sweet, tearful goodbye and Kendall leaves.  

Arie goes through with the rose ceremony, handing Lauren the first rose (because she constantly needs reassurance so would probably have a breakdown if she were given the 2nd rose out of 2) and Becca the second.  

Next week is the LIVE finale and if you have heard the rumors, shit gets MESSY.  I can't wait! 

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Bachelor Arie: HOMETOWNS: Arie gets GRILLED by the COOK SHACK


Monday night gave us one of every Bachelor fan's favorite episodes, hometowns.  The 2 hour spectacle in which 4 newly-minted couples (from a group that totals 5 people) take their love off the road and back home for Mom + Dad + every random aunt or uncle within the state to gather 'round and scrutinize.  This episode took Pasty Snooze Arie from Los Angeles, CA to Weiner, AR to Minneapolis, MN and finally to Virginia Beach, VA.  Then back to Los Angeles to turn one lucky into an Instagram celebrity/Bachelor In Paradise participant!  Who was the lucky gal who avoided Arie's grasp?  We'll soon find out!

The commercials made it seem as if every family would DETEST Arie and lemme tell ya, I was ready for it.

First up was Kendall, a native Angelino, who dressed up in a daisy duke romper (contrasted with Arie's dark jeans, plain navy T-shirt) and took him to a "taxidermy room" also known as a terrifying storage shed chock full of dead animals that are pumped full of glue!

Actual photo of Kendall and Arie on their date

Kendall shares the great news that they will be "mounting" their own taxidermy--is "mounting" what they call it in the 'Dermy World? In my day, "mounting" was more about hooking up and less about dead animal skins, but what do I know?

Arie and Kendall "mount" these dead animal skins and I have seen some bizarre and occasionally gross stuff on The Bachelor before,  but NOTHING like this.  Arie and Kendall mount some rats and I'm sure they picked an animal that most Americans find disgusting to avoid controversy (am I overthinking?) then they put their dead rats into FORMALWEAR and placed them in a diorama of PARIS by moonlight.  HOW IS ANY OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!?

Kendall tells Arie that he'll be meeting her parents, her brother Colton (of COURSE kid's name is Colton) and her twin sister Kiley who "reads really heavily on energy." Away we go!

They all sip wine over a kitchen island that has been decorated to resemble a table and before you can say, "is a kitchen island really that much better on camera than a real table," Kendall and her mother have zipped off to their family walk-in jewelry closet (HUH?) to "DISH" (in the words of Kendall's lovely mama).  Meanwhile, Kiley rocks a pink, silk robe and 1997-style Steve Madden slides (DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THOSE?), plus giant hoops and seems unimpressed by Arie.  Kendall and Kiley have a sister chat among the beads and all that matters is that BOTH gals rock a mean liquid liner cat eye. Energy reader Kiley says that this relationship isn't "undeniable" at the same time that Kendall's dad tells Arie that Kendall isn't likely to accept a proposal. Wheee! I LOVE THIS FAMILY. They say goodbye to the family and once Kendall and Arie are alone, she admits that she kisses him in order to avoid "emotion" (or is it in order to avoid SEEING his FACE?) but Arie does that, too, so they're either a perfect match or a couple who will kiss their way through divorce court someday.

Up next is Tia's hometown of Weiner, Arkansas and you know I'm pro-Razorback because I have lots of relatives in Arkansas, plus I have visited many times.  The Arkansas accent is my favorite version of the southern accent and sweet Tia has got it.

Arie and Tia meet up at a dirt road race track because Bachelor Producers are desperate to remind Bachelor Nation that Arie was allegedly, at one point, somewhat cool.  They cruise around and both say "you did so good" which made Bachelor Nation's small neighborhood, Grammar Gulch, retch into a bag.  Over drinks in the bed of a truck (my kind of date), Tia tells Arie that he'll be meeting her parents, brother, aunt, and cousin.

Soon they are at Tia's parents' one floor house (so many one floor houses this year!) and Arie has flowers and a gift of the family. Sweet Tia breaks out in tears upon seeing her mother, which tugged at my heartstrings.  Once they are settled over a plate of pigs in a blanket (no joke), Tia tells a heartwarming tale of this one time when someone ELSE got the rose THEN Tia got the rose. Ahhh, love among the harem. Tia's Dad Kenny proposes a toast to Tia and "Air-ey" before he and brother Jason take Arie out back to sit in front of the "COOK SHACK" (is that just a sorta BBQ building? Like a pool house but only for meats?) to "grill him" (PUN INTENDEEEEEY!) about his reputation as a slut--err--the "Kissing Bandit."  Arie charms them each by saying that he USED to be a slut--err--Kissing Bandit--when he was you and, I dunno, maybe handsome???? (But like, probably not handsome EVER, let's be honest) BUT that NOW he's ready to settle down and Tia is strong, honest, and cool.  Both men LOVE HIM after that!  Welp, that was easy!

Meanwhile, Tia and her mother talk about how you need to learn some lessons in life and "if those hadn't gone so wrong, then this wouldn't be going so right" and I hope they form a country music duo with writing like that.  Once AREY and Tia are alone outside, she tells Arie that she's in love with him, drops an F bomb, and sends him on his way. Oh Tia, you are MUCH too cool for this jag.

Next stop is Minneapolis, Minnesota where Arie meets up with Becca "LET'S DO THE DAMN THING! I LIKE EXCLAIMING THINGS! DOESN'T IT MAKE ME SEE LIKE A FREE SPIRIT?" K. in a frozen apple orchard!! They talk about Becca's late father, pick apples and whip them into a target via slingshot, carve "B+A" into a tree stump, then head out to Prior Lake to meet Becca's family.

Becca's family is made up of mostly elderly men, one of whom is Uncle Garry who DON'T TAKE NO MESS, Arie.  Uncle Garry talks about Becca's late father and says that he and his crew are Becca's guard dogs and asks if Becca is the "real deal" to him. Arie responds that yes, she is, which is essentially what he tells EVERY FAMILY during his 4 stop hometown tour.

We watch the standard hometown situation--family is skeptical at first but Arie manages to SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, despite his lack of charisma and looks, charm them, then drive off into the night. Before he leaves, Becca exclaims, "SEE YA SOON, YA STUD MUFFIN" and good Lord it's like watching an awkward 5th grader try to learn how to flirt.  Please stop.

Arie's final stop on the tour is Virginia Beach, VA where Lauren greets Arie on the boardwalk with the required, fun, jump, straddle maneuver.  Lauren looks cute, which is smart since that's most of what she has to offer, and Arie's choice of a light blue button-down was VERY UNWISE cause (a) it's an unflattering color on him (but, well, what color IS NOT unflattering on him?), but larger issue (b) it shows pit stains!! And you are about to PIT HARD, Pasty Snooze!

At Lauren's family's beautiful brick home (is that design what they call Georgian? What do I know?), Lauren's mom is as poker face as Lauren and Lauren's dad seems to hate any male who doesn't play golf or have a military background. Wheeeee!! Sadly, Arie is AGAIN able to charm them (well, the dad at least) by mentioning that he went to Iraq to hang out with soldiers one time.  Lauren and Arie both insist that their connection is from the fact that they are SO similar and it's true--they are both EXCEEDINGLY dull! A match made in SNOOZE HEAVEN!  They kiss goodbye and soon it's time to hear back to Los Angeles for a good, old fashioned TV dumping!

The ladies are done up--Becca in a light red, one shoulder dress and delicate gold jewelry (love it), Kendall in a royal blue dress that's got a major V cut out by the boobs (love it), Tia in a white dress that feels like a tribute to the Winter Olympics (don't love it, but she looks great), Lauren in a black dress with sheer panels (love it).  Arie arrives in a dark suit, grey tie, and confused look on his face.  This fucking guy.

The ladies line up and before Arie commences with rose distribution, he pulls Kendall aside and at that point, I am SURE that he's going to send her home. That is THE MOVE, man. Be like, "can I talk to you?" then DROP KICK THEM but in a nice way where you don't make them watch a rose ceremony.  BUT NO.  Kendall talks to him about how she is feeling, that she wants to keep seeing him, but she has some walls up.  Then they got BACK to the line-up! Wah!??!!? Duuuuude.

OK, so roses get handed out like so:
-Lauren - some still waters run deep, but some still waters are just profoundly boring, ya know?
-Kendall - Arie wants a lifetime of liquid liner and bead closets and, really, who can blame him?

So sweet, beautiful, cool as shit Tia is heading back to Arkansas to start posting Instagram stories about free junk she gets from fledgling personal care product companies.  She looks STUNNED and cries hard and I don't blame her.  They sit down on a bench and she asks what she did wrong, says she put herself out there, then she says THE BEST line I have heard in a while, "tell me SOMETHING."  Yeah girl.  I relate to that.  Shockingly, Arie says something that's also quite meaningful: "it's not about your worth--it's about the emotion between two people."  AMEN, PASTY SNOOZE.

Tia cries in the back o f the limo and in the preview for next week, we see that a disgruntled ex is about to drop in BUT FIRST, we have back to back BACH next week!  Sunday night will be Women Tell All and then Monday night is SEX EP aka Fantasy Suite. I'm fired up! Whose ex-BF do you think is dropping in? Lauren's? The dude has a southern accent, it seems--who could it be!? Also I can't WAIT for Women Tell All! KRYSTAL will be IN THE HOUSE!!

Monday, February 19, 2018

Bachelor Arie Ep 7: Tuscany Treachery

On Monday’s episode of The Worst Bachelor in The History of the Franchise And Yeah, That Even Includes Out-of-Touch Narcissist Juan Pablo or, as ABC is encouraging us to call it, The Bachelor, Schlubby Arie and the remaining 7 ladies were in Tuscany, Italy for a week of romantic dates just before HOMETOWNS. 

Chris Harrison greets the ladies in a beautiful Italian piazza that Lauren B. would describe as looking "very Italian," and tells them what the week has in store: 3 1-on-1 dates and a group date with roses up for grabs on all dates, no rose ceremony, then hometowns next week.

The ladies say what they say every week, “the pressure IS ON” this week.

Jacqueline is in full neurotic New Yorker mode, saying that she’s “on this weird precipice—but am I just falling in love with falling in love?” and I can’t decide if she sounds like Woody Allen or Carrie Bradshaw, but let’s go with Carrie for now. 

Am I just falling in love with being in love or do I TRULY love a pasty schlub who lives
 in goddamn Scottsdale and wears bronzer to hide his disgusting, sallow complexion? 

The first date card is for Becca K. and it has a reference to the “Under the Tuscan Sun,” as legally mandated by that book’s publisher and the Italian government.  Becca gets dressed up in a white, flowy dress that’s off the shoulders (this season was ALL about that sorta peasant blouse style that makes you appear to be practically naked) and features a cool pattern, plus tan flats. Arie pulls up in a killer, red convertible but dressed DOWN (as ever) in a light blue button down, greyish drab pants, and Chuck Taylors. I LOVE Chuck Taylors but goodness gracious all of Arie’s clothing appears sun bleached and old.  Is this the Hipster Bachelor or some shit?  

Actual photo of Arie's wardrobe

They drive in a convertible to Becca laments that she lacks a kerchief to keep her hair from tangling (I KNOW, GIRL!) then they arrive at Barga where they buy bread, cheese, and meat for a picnic.

A few bottles of wine and some long stemmed wine glasses appear, as if by magic, and Becca and Arie talk about confidence, their interest in one another, and then cuddle on a stone wall during magic hour.  They cap it off by making out HARD against a wall (and dude—is that Arie’s MOVE? He seems to love a wall make-out and I can dig it, but what an odd move). 

That night, as Jacqline is swimming in a sea of “swirling doubts” at the hotel, Arie and Becca are talking about him potentially meeting her family, which is, to be honest, a conversation that most couples on this show would have had WEEKS AGO.

Quick aside:
I’m a longtime member of Bachelor Nation and, as embarrassing as this is to admit,  I’m intimately familiar with what types of things the couples discuss at each stage of the game.  Just before hometowns, most couples are MUCH farther along than Arie and ANY of this ladies are. I mean, he’s just now learning a bit about their families!?!?!! That doesn’t necessarily come earlier, but often it does, at least for ONE front runner.  This whole season is so bizarre because there has never been a super clear front runner (beyond Bekah who I think we all knew wouldn’t be in his final two)—at first it seemed to be Chelsea, then maybe Krystal, and now it’s just sorta equally possibly Tia or Kendall or Becca, I guess?  This is all a byproduct of Arie’s lack of depth---the couples don’t have any cutesy inside jokes, the dates EVEN THIS LATE IN THE GAME, feel like 1st or 2nd week dates—Arie just doesn’t know much about these women, nor do they know much about him.  Which is why so many of the pre-Hometown conversations this episode felt SO forced and also why Arie has NEVER pulled a woman aside to dump her 1:1.  In previous seasons, people do that ALL THE TIME because they have such a connection to the person and don’t want to put the person through a rose ceremony. But not Arie! He has almost ZERO connection to ANY of these women, so he is BY THE BOOK with these rejections.  Ouch.

OK but back to the action and now we gotta make this fast because this week turned into a SPRINT with an upcoming project plus work plus shows every night.  OK, we're going to whip through the rest, sorry, Bach heads:

-at the end of Becca and Arie's date, he throws her a rose which means that the Pasty Snooze Bachelor is heading to Minneapolis to meet her family who will no doubt be horrified!
-when Becca and Arie return from their date, Jacqueline goes to talk to him 1:1 about her doubts. Arie seems shocked which makes me wonder if he has looked in a mirror recently.  As my sweet pal Mara Herron used to advise me when I was dating a parade of heavyset, long-haired mountain men who looked like they just escaped from a witch's basement where they were unable to shave or shower:

Look at fucking HIM and look at fucking YOU.

-Anyway, Jacqueline decides to bounce because she's just not feeling 100% secure with things. Smart girl.
-As she departs, Jacqueline says, "I do feel like I kind of suck at being happy" and oh girl I GET IT.
-The next day Pasty Snooze Arie and Tan Snooze Lauren cruise around Luca on bicycles. Arie throws out the classic dweebus Arie line as they eat pizza in a piazza, "pizza in Italy--CHECK!"  Gosh when ARIE is the one serving up conversation and observations, you're in trouble. Lauren smiles and describes their surroundings as "so Italian." Lauren admits that she's scared about making herself vulnerable since her fiancee dumped her a year ago and I ALSO get that. But that doesn't make up for her lack of personality. Hell, I'm TERRIFIED of relationships and men and real vulnerability but I can chat with a wall!  It's called PERSONALITY--try to get one!
-That night Lauren finally says to Arie that she's falling in love with him and he responds by WALKING AWAY (huuuuuuhhhhh?) and leaving Lauren sitting alone at the table, likely thinking that she is being dumped, then he returns and gives her the rose. Dude, what was that disappearance about? When she asks Lauren if she will accept this rose, Lauren responds by saying, "absa-friggin'-lutley" and WOW is their a glimmer of a personality in there?!?!??!
-Sienne and Arie finally have a 1:1 and, as usual, Arie is dressed in an outfit that can best be described as "overslept and had to throw on whatever was nearby and then RACE to the airport" and Sienne looks smoking hot--hair down, shell toe Adidas; black, snug jeans; white, filmy blouse; black leather jacket.  They spend the day with a sweet Italian family and the date is WONDERFUL, Arie is SUPER touchy-feely with Sienne, so you know how this is going to end--he sends her home.  GODDAMIT!! But isn't that always the way?  Every time a guy has been SUPER engaged with me or touchy-feely too soon, he's been an indicator that he's about to drop me.  EVERY TIME. Sienna, you were too good for him anyway.
-The next day is a 3-on-1 date at a gorgeous French chateau and the crew is Arie (do we need to even address his awful clothes?), Tia (black jeans, maroon blouse), Kendall (black crop top LOVE IT and floral skirt), and Bekah (chambray top, denim skirt like a female Canadian tuxedo).
-Kendall opens up to him despite how uber-rational she is (which is an interesting combo and I gotta say, Kendall has really grown on me).
-Tia and Arie definitely have a connection but she spends her alone time with him saying that Bekah isn't ready for marriage, which is true, but Tia girl--no need to throw yourself into that mess.
-Bekah and Arie have a chat and Arie talks to her like he's the cool, new camp counselor and she's his camper. Bekah asks him to have a little faith but you can really tell that she's mostly sad that their whirlwind travel journey will be ending soon.
-Arie gives Kendall the rose, so she gets to leave (sweet prize!) and he will definitely be meeting her family in Ukulele/Taxidermy land.
-So now it's a 2:1 between Tia and Bekah at night and Tia looks gorgeous in a black, low but dress; Bekah looks like she's on a Carribean vacation which is an odd choice because you can tell that the weather is FREEZING.  Meanwhile, Arie is in a suit but instead of a button-down shirt, he's wearing a goddamn T-shirt like a frigging pauper. Dude, you're killing me.
-Arie gives Tia the rose so they are Arkansas-bound, baby!
-Arie walks Bekah out and they don't even stop at the little bench. Bekah quickly says, "it's OK. It will end well for you--I know it will" and hops in a car where she WEEPS.  You can tell she's just crying from shock, really. Well, shock and sadness that her free vacation is over.  So long, Baby Rizzo. We hardly knew you--truly, because Arie is unskilled at getting to know people.

So tonight is the legendary episode of HOMETOWNS and it looks like Arie is going to face some TOUGH FAMILIES who don't like him.  I assume he's used to that. 

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Bachelor Arie Ep 6: Paris By Floating Hotel


As usual, I’m late.  The usual—I was busy crushing the comedy scene from Boston to LA and everywhere in between, cruising on a MegaBus (with a reserved seat that cost me an extra dollar because I’m a frigging VIP) so I didn’t watch The Bachelor on Monday night, but rather on Tuesday night and I only got through an hour and 35 minutes that night, then the rest today (Saturday).  But let’s get into it while we can, shall we? 

Arie is with 10 remaining ladies in the city of love, Paris, France! The 10 gals are crashing in a floating, commie Russia-style tanker that Tia says is “very Parisien” and I guess she has never been to Berlin because I could see a German thrash metal band holding it DOWN in that boat, but not Paris natives.  Arie tells Chris Harrison that, “this week is really important” for probably the 6th week in a row. Everybody hates Krystal (except for Krystal) and they are all fired up for a big week: two 1:1 dates, a group date, and the dreaded and infamous 2:1. Awwww snap mama loves a 2:1!  

The first date is for Lauren “is there a personality in there somewhere?” B. and she looks cute—greyish/blue-ish patterned romper (shorts romper to show off her STEMS and OMG I hate the word “stems” for legs, don’t you?) and tan heels, hair down. Arie is in a blue button down and black pants because he is deathly allergic to dressing like he wants to get puss. When he does that, he breaks out in a rash so he is FORCED to wear Tom’s shoes (barf) and shirt/pants combos that don’t go together—doctor’s orders! 

For their date, they hop in a gorgeous wooden boat (George Clooney style!) and cruise off along the Seine as the 9 other women watch and smile as they choke back tears. God I love this show. Arie remarks that, “she is so beautiful and even though I don’t know much about her, spending time with her makes me happy.” Well, Arie boy, you may soon learn that there isn’t much TO KNOW. 

They hop off the boat once they are out of eyeshot of the women (probably) and walk a lovely Parisian market as Arie refers to every damn thing as “so pretty” and Lauren B. says “WOW” enough that I think she might be in a Joey Lawrence impression contest but she’s crashing and burning because she got his catchphrase wrong. 

They sit on a bench and Arie grovels, saying, LITERALLY, “I would like more than anything for you to like me… I’m also searching for reassurance.” Dude you are SO THIRSTY! Goodness gracious are you not The Bachelor! Are you having a crisis of conscience, failed race car driver? I mean, you should because these women are out of your league but DON’T LET ON THAT YOU KNOW THAT!  Lauren smiles at these comments and does NOT tell him she likes him OR give him reassurance. WOW!! Neg game is STRONG for Lauren B. and it’s probably the only time I have cheered for her.  Lauren is smiley but cold—those are moves straight outta The Rules. 

That night they get dressed up and Lauren looks sexy AF in a slinky velvet, maroon-ish dress and heels while Arie sports a schlubby suit without a tie and GOOD LORD Arie, I have seen more consistently put together managers at the Red Lobster in Times Square (it’s a bad RL, but it gets the job done).  Over dinner drinks Lauren B. reveals that she's very guarded because she got engaged and post-engagement her fiancee turned into a total dick (yikes) and Arie tops her by sharing that he once dated a woman who got pregnant with his child and they were ready to settle down (seemingly?), then she had a miscarriage AND dumped him in dramatic fashion. Ouch. Arie gives Lauren B. a rose and she expresses her excitement by saying, totally deadpan, "wow this is huge." 

Up next is a group date at Moulin Rouge and the ladies get done up in sparkly, sequined showgirls outfits while Arie looks like a complete schlub in a black T-shirt and jeans. We learn that Sienne is a trained dancer, Tia is incapable of being sexy onstage, and Jenna is like a golden retriever in human form ("Arie is the most gorgeous ma alive!"). 

After a few minutes of "auditioning" (in the form of walking?) in showgirl costumes, the ladies change into yet another outfit for the "after party" (after WHAT, exactly?) and I'm LOVING some of these looks.  Bekah wears a black bustier with a cool choker (very on-brand for the venue), Sienne is in a super lacy, linger-looking dress, Tia rocks a bold lip and a filmy, polka dot dress thing and I remember some crushed, metallic velvet in there, too. Meanwhile Arie is in dark pants and a MAROON T-SHIRT. Sweet baby Jesu, Arie, could you DRESS for the occasion!??!!? 

In their alone time, Arie makes an obviously stolen joke, "is a French kiss in France just a kiss?" before making out with Bekah who is charming the pants off of him and playing him like a fiddle in the Dave Matthews Band (God remember that? We would legit be ROCKING OUT to music that included a fiddle). They talk about the "potential" between them which is completely bonkers because she's 22 and he's 36. What, the potential for her to have a 25th birthday party while he's pushing 40? 

Arie gives the group date rose to Bekah, which means that she gets to put on a costume and walk with him onstage during the ACTUAL show at the Moulin Rouge. Good thing that "role" requires ZERO talent, dancing skill, charisma because Arie aint got any of those! Arie looks like a spooky circus trainer in a top hat, suit, and cape while Bekah looks like a bizarro Betty Boop in a blue get-up and blood wig. The other women are forced to watch like some kind of mafia hit in which a guy is punished by having to watch his family get murdered in front of him. 

Up next is the infamous 2:1 date and the unlucky participants are Kendall and Krystal. With a 2:1, one gal is definitely being sent home but often BOTH are rejected because some Bachelors are hella efficient. 

Krystal is knee deep in her pool of delusion and is GLOATING about being taken on the 2:1 date, bargain that she's "wife material" (then, did I hear that right, "farm wife" material??) and that somehow, this is DESTINY (destiny isn't always a GOOD thing, my friend).  Krystal rocks high waist, white formal pants that appear to have darts and I do NOT get it, a crushed velvet tank top (sorta cute but also weird choice) while Kendall wears a patterned dress thing that isn't cute enough for her. 

They meet Arie at a French estate where he is, as always, ugly and underdressed, rocking a gingham shirt, light jeans, and casual sneakers. Goddamnit Arie, you are in a French mansion that was probably built before America was goddamn founded--would it KILL you to wear a pair of khakis? 

The ladies wander around a hedge maze trying to find Arie (IT'S A SUBTLE METAPHOR, GET IT?) then have drinks and bask in the gorgeous, French sunlight.  He has 1:1 time with each gal and Krystal uses hers to baby talk about how much Kendall isn't ready for love (cool move, psycho) and insist that it's "God's plan" that they got into a fight in a bowling alley. Oh yeah lady, the Lord works in mysterious ways and sometimes you can see his all-powerful machinations from inside an abandoned bowling alley--no doubt. She NEVER apologizes for badmouthing him (of course she doesn't--she's like a female Trump). 

During her 1:1 time with Arie, Kendall says something surprisingly astute for an adult who plays the ukulele: being ready for marriage isn't about the TIME, it's about the person.  She says this in defense of herself after Arie reports that Krystal said that Kendall isn't "ready for marriage" because her longest relationship was 10 months and she's damn right!  My longest relationship is 6 months because I'm wholly incapable of picking appropriate partners, but I'd be down to marry if the right dude came around. 

Kendall's very savvy and she pinpoints Krystal's issues: this is mostly just about winning for Krystal, when Krystal gets backed into a corner she doesn't apologize or calm down, she lashes out at others, and closing with this gem, "saying the thing that is hurtful doesn't mean you win, it just means you hurt someone." While they are sitting together, Kendall lays it on THICK with Krystal (saying, "there is so much beauty in there--you need to stop trying to control things and just let yourself be real") and I truly believe that she was being genuine with her, but Krystal is offended by it.  

Arie sits between the ladies and clutches a rose but claims that he can't make a decision, which is hilarious and no doubt the Producers forced him to pretend to be unsure about Krystal so that he could dump her in a more dramatic location--in a restaurant looking onto the Eiffel Tower at night. If you're going to dump, dump somewhere with a view, bro! 

Krystal looks gorgeous in a snug, white dress and Kendall could look better than her patterned, dark dress that isn't sexy at all. Arie is in a suit and no tie because he's allergic to looking good. They sip wine in a restaurant with  a KILLER view of the Eiffel Tower and Arie talks to Kendall 1:1, returns to the table, and is ready to hand the rose to one girl. Ha! The Producers definitely told him to wait until they got to this location to dump Krystal. As Arie offers the rose to Kendall, Krystal is smiling wide and nodding, which is extremely creepy. He is very gracious to her, though, saying that this was a hard decision (ha) and then simply WALKING OUT with Kendall on his arm. Oh man, the 2:1 exit is always BRUTAL! Add this to the archive of infamous 2:1 exits that includes 2 gals being left in the Badlands in Texas, that girl Olivia being ditched on a windswept tropical island as the helicopter flew away from her, and now Krystal staring at the Eiffel Tower in the city of love as she processes her heartbreak. 

Meanwhile, back in the industrial floating brothel, the ladies watch a Producer retrieve Krystal's bag and POP THAT BUBBLY!  

Finally, Jacqueline gets her long overdue 1:1 date and she spends most of their daytime shopping/drinking date extremely nervous and also, seemingly, drunk. Arie picks her up in a PIMP, red convertible (Triumph) which promptly breaks down (ha). They take a cab to a high-end clothing store where they sip bubbly and shop and Jacqueline ends up in a super bland, plain, black dress! Paris Fashion Week aint got nothing on how plain this dress is! 

They walk to Maxims where they sit down for a dinner of whiskey (nice) and Jacqueline confesses that she has 6 years left in working toward a PhD and that is her chose path, but she really likes Arie. Arie admits that he thought that perhaps she was too intelligent for him (dude can't dress but I appreciate his honesty there) and says that he doesn't want to hold her back or ask her to sacrifice her dreams for him. Just when you think they are going to make the smart move and decide to call it off, Arie hands her a rose and says that he wants to "see where it goes."  Then they head up a flight of stairs to make out HARD surrounded by green walls. 

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and heading into this, Jacqueline, Kendall, Bekah, and Lauren B. already have roses so they are safe. If I were one of them I'd roll up to the rose ceremony in sweatpants and be like, "I'm off the clock, assholes!" 

Who gets picked and who gets sent home to become an Instagram celebrity?  Roses go to....

-Tia: rocking a sparkly, disco delight jumper thing 
-Sienne: sporting a super low cut black dress and delicate jewelry 
-Becca: looking beautiful in a dark blue, flowy gown with major slit action. 

So heading home are: 
-Jenna: who looks gorgeous in a sexy, slinky black dress with sparkly neckline but it never felt like she and Arie had much connection. I mean, they're both pretty dumb but perhaps she's a tiny bit thicker than he is. 
-Chelsea: WOA MAMA is going home!!! Chelsea looks cute in a flirty, black cocktail dress thing and tan heels, but that can't save her. I think that SHE thought that she and Arie had a connection but they definitely didn't. I'm a little surprised that he didn't pull her aside in the advance of the rose ceremony, though.  I bet that she thought that if he was going to send her home, he'd do her the solid of telling her 1:1 alone but HAHAH SORRY, GIRL, NO WAY! 

Next week we (hahah THEY--right?) head to Tuscany and Lauren B. experiences insecurity as though every other woman there isn't ALSO going through the same thing.  

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Bachelor Arie Ep 5: Bowlin', Jet Skiin' 'n Straddlin'

OK, by now you MUST know the horrifying reality that the episode that I preemptively nicknamed "Robe-Gate" and thought would showcase the departure of Krystal was NOT quite as drama-filled as Bachelor Nation has hoped!  Somehow Krystal is still with us!  And she's going to Paris with the gang, even though Arie seems to LOATHE her at this point.  But I am getting ahead of myself.

This episode took place in the proverbial genital wart clinging to the metaphorical penis of America--Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The sun is bright but snooze Bach Arie aint getting any color because he appears to be coated in SPF 100 and then dipped in bronzer as he cruises the streets in a corny convertible.  

Meanwhile, the remaining gals (Kendall the TryTooHard Quirky one, Baby Rizzo, and the Pink Ladies) are exploring Floridon't (I AM ON FIRE!!! I THINK IT IS BECAUSE I JUST STUFFED MY FAT FACE IN A QUICHE) and settling into their suite in the W Hotel.  

Arie arrives in a bland, navy blue T-shirt, drab blue shorts, and TAN TOMS. OK I appreciate that Toms Shoes are like, "for every pair of shoes you buy, we'll give a pair of unflattering monster shoes to someone who will accept ANY type of shoe they can get" and I suppose that is nice but we all need to get real about the fact that these Toms slip-ons are UGLY. It is a scientific fact. And the tan/beige ones at THE UGLIEST. You all know how I feel about white people wearing white people flesh tone (MY EYES BLEED) so take THAT hatred and combine it with a hatred for flats (well, MY hatred for flats on ME) and you have, well, a recipe for disaster. 

I need to calm myself down here, so suffice to say: Arie looks like dog shit.  He surprises Chelsea (as surprised as you can pretend to be when you are obviously dressed and done up FOR the date) and whisks her away for a 1:1 that takes place on a yacht.  The yacht is HUGE and even though Chelsea claims that she is "essssstatic about it" (no C in sight in that word), she immediately negs Arie by saying that if she had a choice to be on a boat (huh? Had a choice? Are you living in Overboard? Or wait, that was kidnapped FROM a boat into a CABIN but you get it), SHE would prefer a smaller boat.  Cool move, lady! A few of the other gals observe the pair from a giant telescope (how does a telescope KEEP showing up this season?) and Lauren B. reports that they are "Titanic-ing" which is the greatest gerund of all time. Oh also, Maquel is back from her grandmother's funeral and she must have done the drive through funeral because that was QUICK.  


Arie and Chelsea sip champagne and then move from a yacht to a jet ski (talk about riches to rags) where Chelsea straddles the ugliest Bachelor in franchise history. 

She says that she wants Arie to think of her as more than a mom so she straddles him, but lemme tell ya, Chelsea, moms can straddle, too.  How do you think they became moms? (Shout out to all my mom friends out there--I hope that my Chelsea coverage hasn't seemed anti-mom--I am super pro-mom, just anti-holier-than-thou martyr Chelsea).  Chelsea says, "this is a dream boat... and I'm also with a dreamboat" and I could barely hold in my quiche (I HAVE BEEN EATING QUICHE FOR 10 DAYS STRAIGHT. #QUICHELIFE).  

That night over a red wine dinner in a car museum, Chelsea reveals that when she was 20, she married a much older man for his money, essentially, and he left her when their son was 6 months.  Ouch.  I hope that she gets good child support and alimony money out of her ex husband and I think she does because her hair is FANTASTIC--cut, color, style.  Also, while I find Chelsea to be somewhat boring, I like her taste in clothing and she's beautiful.  Her black low-cut jumpsuit look that night was fierce and Arie looked meh as always. The thing is, try as Chelsea might, she and Arie simply don't seem to have a ton of natural chemistry.  Everything she says feels like a lame intro line on the Real Housewives. I mean, Chelsea literally said, "I feel like I have the least I've ever had--but I feel like I have everything." Come on, girl. Is that a motivational quote you found on Pinterest?

Arie gives Chelsea a rose and they walk into another room where a D list faux country singer is crooning. Standard Bachelor date finale.

The next day is Baby Rizzo's dream date, BOWLING!! The crew on this group date is Maquel (who came back from the funeral with a face full of contouring make-up and highlighter), Krystal (this season's Vienna), Becca (brunette chick who seem scool), Bekah (Baby Rizzo who is able to tangle with bitches without losing her cool and I respect it), Jenna (blonde girl who seems FUN and DUUUUMB), Sienne (dark haired girl who seems FUN and SMART), Marikh (still no personality in sight!), Jacqueline (who?), and poker faced girl next door, Lauren B.

The crew rolls into a bowling alley (AYYYYOOOOOOO) and start putting back beers, bowling, and talking shit in a way that gives me dumb chills/secondhand embarrassment. After a few rounds of bowling for enjoyment, it's time for bowling for COMPETITION and the prize is that the winning team will get an afterparty and the losing team will, presumably, go back to their penthouse hotel suite and drink for free anyway.  The teams are the Pin Ups vs. the Spare Roses and goodness gracious I feel like I'm back watching Rock of Love with those names!!

Baby Rizzo is serving actual Rizzo realness in her 1950s style bowling shirt but the blue team hustles harder and wins the tournament. They are elated and can't stop shrieking as the pink team retires to the locker room. Arie realizes that he wants more time with ALL of the girls, so he informs everyone that EVERYONE is, in fact, invited to the afterparty. This pronouncement makes the pink team shriek with joy and makes Krystal LOSE HER SHIT.  Literally, moments before she had been clutching a trophy and making an unnecessary toast about how this journey isn't about breaking each other down, but about building each other up and then the minute she decides that she might be sharing the afterparty with some other women, she is RIPSHIT.

Krystal is emotionally immature, so she lashes out at this news, whines that the other women are on a lower level than her level (what does that even mean), claims that Arie is a liar and she doesn't trust him. The other women get ready for an afterparty, as you do when you're on a reality TV dating show and there is an opportunity to see the man who you supposedly like, while Krystal puts on a robe, packs her stuff, and--I guess--waits for Arie to catch wind that she's trying to play hard to get, and comes down to see her in her hotel room?

Krystal's moronic plan works (ugh ARIE WHY?) and after the other women arrive at the afterparty and inform him of Krystal's tantrum, he goes to her hotel room to "check on her." DUDE--if you have any self-respect and weren't taking orders from Producers for maximum drama and frustration, you would say "well, that's too bad that Krystal can't join us--perhaps I will see her at the rose ceremony tomorrow" and hang out with the women who got DRESSED UP and SHOWED up for you.

Arie and Krystal talk and Arie is NOT FEELING HER and you can tell. Krystal explains that she is angry because Arie changed the rules and didn't consult with the blue team (girl this isn't the friggin' Supreme Court--take it easy), that she grew up in a bowling alley (really? I mean, maybe, but also, come on--you grew up in a bowling alley, Annaliese was terrorized by bumper cars--what the heck is going on here?), and that her mother had a slew of boyfriends who would promise the world and then bounce and it gave her trust issues (OK, I WILL take that one into consideration but also, please stop being so dramatic about a dumb group date challenge, OK?).  Arie patiently listens to her and then explains that if she is feeling upset, she should TALK to him about it, that he can see that she is attempting to "team him a lesson" and he doesn't like it, and when she whisper purrs, "this is our first fight" he snaps back, "and it might be our last."  BOOM! Now THAT is a non-pussy Arie that I want to see more of!

Arie shakes it off and has snuggly, romantic 1:1 convos with Bekah, Kendall, Lauren B., and Becca. During all that, Krystal SHOWS UP TO THE AFTERPARTY (girl STOP STOP STOP you seem thirsty AF) and has a quick debate with Bekah then leaves again. Bekah makes some great points about the manipulation that Krystal is trying to pull and I appreciate it, even if she is a 22 year old bizarro Rizzo look alike who tweeted "All Lives Matter" and I'm not even kidding. Shout out to my college pal Emily Tranter who dug up this bizarro tweet.

At the end of the afterparty, Arie clutches the rose and says that it's great to have Maquel back, he's impressed that Kendall stood up for him (even if she wants to eat human meat), but Lauren B. gets the rose.

Finally, it's time for Tia's first 1:1 date and you can take the girl outta Arkansas but you can't take Arkansas outta the girl because their date activity is a BOAT RIDE and eating some grilled meats. Hey, I love it. Arie is in his awful uniform of navy shirt, light blue shorts, shoes that I want to beat him with while Tia rocks a red, vintage-style top (bathing suit), jean shorts, and Keds (WTF, people?). They cruise around the Everglades then meet a kindly local character who welcomes them into his home to eat catfish and deep fried corn-on-the-cob.

Arie and Tia chat on a bench and discuss "frogging" and the fact that they both have beautiful eyes.

That night over dinner, Tia talks about getting her PhD, moving to Little Rock, Arkansas from her hometown, and the fact that you can't control what happens in life (amen).  Arie counters that by saying that he thinks he makes his own destiny, which is impossible because the point of destiny is that the protagonist doesn't really have agency in it and wouldja look at that--I'm using my English degree from Hamilton College right here in a Bachelor recap! Life is magical!

Tia talks about how her faith is important to her and I admire her candor because Arie is NOT into religion, it seems, and then almost starts crying as she says, "you make me feel deserving of this opportunity" and HOO BOY Tia, you are speaking my language.  Building and nurturing feelings of entitlement and feeling deserving of things (love, jobs, opportunities, intimacy) are really difficult and I was heartened to see her put these sentiments out there.  They make out HARD and Tia gets a rose.

Finally it's cocktail party time and Chelsea, Lauren B. and Tia already have roses. Bekah's outfit is ON POINT--white bustier thing, black leather skirt, platform heels. Kendall plays a game with Arie and reveals that she would like to eat human meat "as a curiosity!" Krystal says that she knows she will be attacked if she talks to everyone in the group (you made this bed, woman!) so she invites women to talk to her 1:1 (what IS this? Free advice?) and Kendall takes her up on it, as do Tia and Bekah. Krystal tries to defend her tantrum and refuses to accept any blame, citing her PAIN BODIES being triggered (hoo boy is this an overrated Eckhart Tolle book?) and sits in silence when Bekah repeatedly exclaims, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" In an interview, Krystal repeats her mantra that these girls don't operate her level and then she mimes throwing glitter at them, which is truly a monstrous thing to do because glitter goes EVERYWHERE and truly does NOT come out.

While all this is going down, Arie and Jacqueline are canoodling and apparently she's a psychologist from NYC who is a race fan, plus she "embraces life" and has "no ego." Sure, Arie.  In their alone time, Krystal tells Arie that "struggles make us stronger" which sounds like a 12 step mantra (no shade) and Arie says that THIS PART--the free jet setting, the excitement--THIS should be the easy party and that she needs to think through her responses. Hell yeah, Arie!

Finally it's rose ceremony time. We know Chelsea (love that yellow dress), Lauren B., and Tia are safe. Who is safe and who will be heading home to sell teeth whiteners on Instagram?

-Bekah: love that outfit but she COULD have also had a necklace on there maybe? Or would that disrupt the clear clavicle action?
-Sienne: hair down, thin gold choker, floral patterned off-the-shoulder thing--good stuff.
-Kendall: hair down, flowered dress, always craving human meat.
-Becca: orange dress, hair in a low bun, never making drama, always having fun.
-Jacqueline: big hair, light dusty blue dress that I don't love.
-Jenna: blue dress, big statement necklace and hair to one side. She seems like fun but perhaps not boring enough for Arie.
-Krystal: UGH UGH UGH. She's wearing a light pink/blush dress with a strange neckline and producers no doubt FORCED Arie to keep her around so that she will sow discord among the women. Oof.

So who is going home to fire up their Instagrams and peddle sunglasses to Bachelor Nation?
-Maquel: who looks gorgeous and whose hair/make-up were always on point, but WOW how embarrassing to RACE through grandma's funeral so that you can get back to your reality TV dating show, only go get NEGGED!? Ha. This show is truly amazing.
-Ashley: it seemed like perhaps she and Arie never fully clicked and I just wish she had caked on the make-up a little more beneath those TV lights.
-Marikh: gives him a quick kiss goodbye and says "nice meeting you" which feels hilarious after, what, 5 weeks? They didn't seem to click, either.

Next week we leave the USA for Paris, France where Krystal will go off the rails, as usual. Will the gang eat frogs legs? Will Kendall eat human meat? Will Krystal whisper talk and blow out her vocal chords? We'll find out Monday!

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Krystal Starts to Crack, Baby Rizzo Reveals Herself

Hey hey hey, pussycats!

I'm coming to you now from my couch where I'm chomping on a popsicle and trying to resist the magnetic pull of the bottle of red wine that's staring at me from atop my refrigerator. Dry January is going great!  Thankfully, The Bachelor is scratching my itch for watching the ramifications of bad decisions unfold (though I'm jealous of all their bubbly and wine drinking).

We start off inside the STD Shack (Bachelor Mansion) where 15 ladies are informed that they are LEAVING LOS ANGLES to head to south Lake Tahoe, Nevada! I'll admit that I said, out loud, to my sweet roommate, "I bet they don't even know what state Lake Tahoe is in" before I admitted that I didn't, either. Turns out, NEVADA!! (Though apparently part of it is in California, also.) I TRULY mean it when I say the The Bachelor franchise has taught me so much about geography (... and myself).

Nothing says "sexy time romance" quite like acres of pine trees, am I right? The ladies explore their woodsy cabin lodge and quirky Kendall is thrilled that it's filled with taxidermy.

Yale alumna, Sienne, is dressed in a white top, snug blue jeans, her hair down, and she's READY for 1:1 date action.  Like a concerned camp counselor, Arie asks her if she "packed enough warm clothes" and they're off! The hop in an open top Jeep that looks like a classic Ford Bronco (or something) and hit the road. I'll admit that as they cruised off in that sweet truck, it made me almost like Arie for a split second there.  WOW. I'm amazed that producers could EVER get me to not loathe him.

They drive to the lake where they board a boat and go parasailing, which we soon learn is a LOT like falling in love, in that it involves trust, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, and maybe shitting yourself out from fear.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Lodge, evil producers have given the gals binoculars so that they can watch it all go down on the lake like a 14 girl crew of stalkers. Note that during all of this, whisper-baby-talk-Krystal openly hopes that Sienne gets sent home. I cannot WAIT for the "Women Tell All" episode!!

Arie and Sienne take off their crotch harnesses (not a joke--when parasailling, your genitals MUST be wrapped in seatbelts for safety) and sit on a beach sipping champagne and talking about how often Arie sees his parents (every other day) and how embarrassing it must have been for Arie to watch his younger brother get married first (HA! OUCH!). Arie says he's impressed with Sienne because she's smart, well-traveled, and a damn good kisser. God I hate it when he earns his dweeb assed nickname (Kissing Bandit).

That evening, Maquel gets a call that her grandfather died very unexpectedly and suddenly, so she packs up and leaves. Some girls think she'll return, but really? Really? If she does, she'll DEFINITELY say she returned because her deceased grandfather would have WANTED her to go on network TV in order to find love with a 36-year-old race car driver turned realtor nicknamed "The Kissing Bandit" but some and "Pasty Snooze" but others. Her grandpa LOVED that kind of thing!! Mark my words!!

As Maquel flies back to Utah (not too far at all), Sienne and Arie go into the Hard Rock Cafe Casino (how amazing must it be to see outside humans, ya know? They are living like friggin' kidnapping victims!) and sit down for a dinner of white wine for her, red wine for him. That is MY kind of dinner!  Oh Sauvey Blanc, when will I get you back in my liiiiiife!??!?!? Sienna looks gorgeous--light pink sorta wrap-ish dress, delicate jewelry, black leather jacket. Arie's too casual in a plaid shirt, but also, he's not working with much, at all, ever, so whatcha gonna do?

Sienne shares that her parents' marriage was somewhat chaotic, especially in her teen years, and that she doesn't often see representations of people who look like her in romantic, happily-ever-after stories. Wow. I'm glad she said that, producers kept it in, and Arie echoed it.  Representation is so important and anyone who says different probably grew up with the luxury of seeing representations of themselves in positions of power, positions of privilege, their whole damn lives. Sienna's feelings of outsider-ness really resonated with me and many Bach heads, I'm sure.

Arie hands her the rose, explaining that he already felt a familiarity with her when they met, that she's a strong woman who impresses him, and that the date isn't over!  He has one trick up his sleeve and by that he means that Bachelor producers have a connection to a D list, Top 40, bro country band and that band needs press!  Arie and Sienne walk into a theater where LANCO is performing (who? I know) a song that I'm ashamed I have heard on New York's country station, 94.7 and there is a BIG crowd there, but conveniently a platform on which Arie and Sienne can dance, kiss, and perform their love for a crowd of creepy onlookers. I get dumb chills from watching this, but my new, young roommate calls it "secondhand embarrassment" so I can only assume that ALL millennials use that phrase when they're snap chatting their avocado toast while tanking the economy or whatever. Perhaps we should confirm my assumptions with Bekah (GET IT!?!? MILLENNIAL JOKE ABOUT BABY RIZZO! More of those coming soon!).

The next day it's a group date for the 13 girls who aren't Sienne or Bekah (on that's right---Bekah will get a 1:1 and you haven't seen her this happy since she learned how to ride a bike last week).  The group date gals are all done up in their best sexy winter looks. Looks that scream, "yeah these are hiking boots but these leggings are like sausage casings and isn't this scarf jaunty? It does NOTHING to keep me warm but looks delightfully seasonal." When Arie meets up with the Winter Beauties, he addresses Maquel's depature, saying, "I'm really appreciative of your guyses time" when he could have just said, "I'm really appreciative of your time" but who cares? Our damn President can barely string 3 words together--let it rip!

The group goes on a "hike" that lasts roughly 60 seconds (my kind of hike) and meet up with a married couple who are experts in wilderness survival--he's Mykel Hawke (is that a stage name? Or rather, a woods name?), a former Green Beret commander and his wife is British! They talk about the dangerous of black bears (who invited Betsy DeVos?), survival, and RECYCLING URINE aka DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE!!! Yezzzzz!!  Hahah. I love euphemisms for stuff.  "Recycling Urine"--oh you mean recycling it from my own vag into my own mouth! Goodness gracious this recap is off the rails.

Each participant is handed a bottle, told to go pee into it, and then assembled to watch Arie drink his pee first. NONE OF THIS IS A JOKE. This all occurred on ABC in primetime. Arie "sips his pee" then spits it out, then reveals that it was apple juice JUST as Jacqueline (a girl who has hardly said anything and made ZERO impression on Bachelor Nation) is about to drink hers! Then we cut to a shot of blonde Jenna saying, "I would drink my pee for Arie--I would do anything." Oh Jenna, please never change.

Please take this pee conversation opportunity to watch a hilarious video created by my brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, that leads a candid conversation about America's favorite pasttime: drinking its own pee.

After The PeePee Tape (JK but I literally pray to God that President Trump's Pee Tape gets released--you KNOW that Mueller has a copy), the gang has an opportunity to eat WORMS and Tia and Kendall are FIRED UP! Kendall, as you may recall, was on an episode of Fear Factor that involved eating bugs, so this is old hat.  Krystal is horrified by all of it, as was I, though I am NOT on Team Krystal anymore.

Krystal is deep in denial and projecting HARD, as she rails against the other women, saying that they are desperate and insecure and don't know who they are. In fact, Krystal is feeling insecure and a bit unmoored and rather than handle those feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way, by looking within or sitting with them or taking ownership of these feelings, Krystal lashes out at the other women. Girl, read a self help book and get a clue.

As if bug eating and (fake) pee drinking weren't "nature date-y" enough, now the crew is split up into 3 teams, given heavy backpacks and maps, and cast out into the wilderness to find their way to a destination where there is a hot tub and bubbly.  What better carrot to dangle in front of a bevy of Bachelor babes!?

The blue team gets Arie and gets to the cabin/oasis first.  The grey team gets completely lost, and the red team is off the rails (this is when Chelsea spots Marikh allegedly using the compass as a reflective surface to check her hair and I would have done the same thing! Well, I mean, it was snowing and that would RUIN my curls, so I would definitely have them up and protected--as Ashley did--not down and losing body, as Marikh did).  Finally, everyone assembles at the hot tub where they drink bubbly, canoodle, and crack jokes (at least Tia and Caroline do, and Krystal is too paranoid and insecure to get it).

Everyone gets dressed up for the afterparty, where Krystal continues to crack (GET IT!??!?) but says that everyone ELSE is spiraling and that it's "exhausting to watch." Sure, girl.

Arie and Lauren B. have a connection and chat by a fire and man, Lauren B. not only lacks personality, she has ZERO facial expressions.  It's bizarre.  Arie and Kendall have a nice 1:1 chat and my roommate Lola called it, saying, "Arie likes crazy" which I think is VERY true.

While the ladies get alone time with Arie, Krystal holds court on the couches, waxing poetic about how romance and dating works (Good Lord did anybody ask you, Krystal?) and talking about herself nonstop.

During Krystal's alone time with Arie she mostly says "like" and says that she has a target on her back because she and Arie have such a strong relationship and THAT is why the other girls don't like her. HA!! Keep telling yourself that, kiddo. Ummm--Bekah and Becca both have SERIOUS connexies with Arie and you don't see THEM being ostracized for being front runners. Krystal just keeps digging her own grave and preserving her legacy as the Courtney/Tierra/Vienna of this season.

Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline aside to confront them about "mocking" her at the hottub and Caroline shoots straight--they were being silly, it wasn't meant to be mean to Krystal--and she's telling the truth!  They were being goofy!  Get over yourself, Krystal.  Nonetheless, the interaction feels like blondes vs. brunettes, or rather, Krystal vs. everybody--ha!

Tia and Arie have alone time during which he furiously rubs her neck and clavicles and when she tells him that she gets scared that he has strong connections with other women, he reassures her by saying, "you just need to have some faith that I have a plan" and WOW I haven't  heard that type of talk since the last time I read THE BIBLE. Who are you, Arie, friggin' God? Is this a remake of that classic Young Adult book, "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" called "Are You There Arie God, It's Me Tia?" Well, apparently treating Arie like the creator of heaven and Earth pays off, as Tia scores the group date rose, much to Krystal's frustration (though she SMILES BIG through it all).

Finally it's time for Baby Rizzo and Arie's 1:1 date which will be horseback riding, more hot tub and bubbly time (what else does one do in Lake Tahoe?), and, finally, a dinner of wine.  Back at the house, we FINALLY get some sound bites from Jacqueline, who says that she, too, is an "experience junkie" (as is Bekah, apparently) and that Bekah should spend her 20s doing all sorts of things, not settling down and cranking out babies for a 36 year old guy whose new favorite hobby is going to bed early.

Finally, over "dinner," Bekah (dressed in yet another huge, fake fur worn off her shoulders and yet another mock turtleneck and giant hoops) revels her age: 22 to Arie's 36.  Arie is STUNNED and I'm sorta shocked at how shocked he is because she has always looked YOUNG.  I mean, sure, she looks like a young Stockard Channing playing the role of Rizzo in the masterpiece, GREASE, but she has always looked VERY young, she's a nanny, and she has avoided the age question repeatedly. Dude--how didn't you see this coming!?  Arie just keeps saying "you're so young!" and sort of pulling away and Bekah goes into survival mode, trying HARD to reel him back in with promises of adventure and "follow your heart" and "just have new experiences" and all that stuff that you believe when you're 22.

He has his fingers IN her hoops which really grosses me out.

He explains that he has been dumped on national TV before and this time, he's seeking a partner, a wife, a person with whom to build a family (you didn't think that I was going to throw a dangling preposition in there, did you?) and that is WHY he's here.  He explains that his biggest fear is that he'll go through this whole bizarro wife search situation and come to the end, and find himself alone again. She responds, "well would it be worth it if that did happen?" and he says, "No! Cause I need a wife!" Oh man he is dropping TRUTH BOMBS and I can dig it!  He says, "I'm not here for a 22 year old girlfriend, I'm here to find a wife" and YET he decides to keep her around.


Arie says that he's now going to "guard his heart a little bit" (whatever that means) but I think we all know that he's keeping Bekah around until the Fantasy Suite so that he can hump down with this sexy youngster, then he will DROP HER after that. I think he's a FOOL to keep her there, since he is SO drawn to her and she is, essentially, a non-option as far as wife/kids pronto, but he's keeping her around to get laid.  I'm betting on it.

Finally it's time to prepare for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Sienne, Tia, and Bekah M. already have roses, so they are chill as hell walking into this cocktail party.  Everyone else is sorta losing it. Everyone wants to talk to Arie, everyone seems to feel that they are misunderstood, there is tension in the house, and it's finally "really, really getting real--like, for real now, real real."

The ladies assemble and are all looking gorgeous--there's lots of sparkles, hair, lipstick. Kendall makes a hilarious point that Krystal talks as if she's reading from a self-help book and the Twee Taxidermist is RIGHT!!  Every time the ladies are assembled, Krystal is spouting off unsolicited advice about how you gotta "put yourself out there" and crap like that. The ladies all find her to be fake and two faced and it looks like next week (ROBE GATE), Arie is going to realize that.  But back to the cocktail party/rose ceremony....

Chris Harrison walks in like one of those "I'm here to ruin your life" GIFs that I would insert here if I understood technology at all and drops this bomb:

"There will be no cocktail party."

The ladies act as if Chris Harrison has just told them ALL of their respective homes have burned to the ground.  Also, yes, that bottom picture above is a still from my Instagram story. I live tweet as much as I can and also post Instagram stories because I live, eat, breathe BACH 24/7.  So be sure to follow me on twitter and Insta: both are @SelenaCoppock.

The freaked out ladies assemble in the rose ceremony room and Bekah is looking like a young Ms.  Hannigan with that silk dress plus fur off the shoulders thing. 

Hi, I'm Bekah and I'm ready for this rose ceremony to pop off!
Everyone is freaked out but, in classic Krystal fashion, only SHE feels like she deserves 1:1 time with Arie. Arie enters the rose ceremony room (THE CHAMBER), does a standard monologue about how hard it is to select a would-be wife from over a dozen knockouts who are more educated and better looking than he is.  Just as he is about to start doling out the flowers, Krystal interrupts him and asks if she can pull him away. She and Arie go sit on a bench and she says that the women in the house are making her feel insecure and she fears that she is putting up walls with HIM because of THEM and WOWIE ZOWIE Krystal doesn't take responsibility for ANYTHING, does she?  Whatever--she'll be gone next week.  They go back to the line-up so that Arie can make some ladies cry.  Who gets roses? 

-Lauren - blonde white lady in a navy dress. She seems a LIL boring but perhaps I am a monster who surrounds herself with wackadoos who have a TON of personality? [HIGH KICK]
-Kendall - blonde white girl who LOVES dead animals! She's in a hippie chick beaded black dress that I don't hate.
-Ashley - light skinned black girl who seems has kept a low profile, which I can dig, but that dress feels a lil too casual. Beauty is pain, my friend!
-Becca K. - brunette white woman in a greenish dress, hair half up/half down, looking great.
-Chelsea - white lady single mama who is ALL cheekbones atop a blue dress.
-Jenna - blonde white woman serving vintage Hollywood realness with that liquid liner cat eye and I LIKE it but I think that she has zero connection with Arie beyond straddling him for a make-out.
-Jacqueline - brunette white lady who spoke ONCE this season! She is a PRO at not embarrassing her family, I'll say that.
-Marikh - dark haired Indian girl in a black, one shoulder dress. During the credits we watch her confront Chelsea about "glam shaming" and it was HILARRRRZ.
-Krystal - blonde white lady KOOKOO BIRD who gets the last rose and this rose will be her last (see what I did there?).

So who is going home?
-Caroline - a beautiful former Miss Massachusetts (HELL YESSSS) who seems hilarious and cool and smart, so naturally Arie sent her packing. Very presciently, she said that Krystal is playing Arie like a fiddle and she will be proven right next week, I think! Although he'll quit playing the fiddle and this Americana folk music metaphor is getting MESSY.
-Brittany - a gorgeous black woman whose dress choices were ON POINT every time.

My heart breaks for Tia because she's losing her buddy Caroline, but I'm sure they'll stay in touch (and I'll be watching it on Instagram like a Bachelor superfan psychopath!).

Next week the gang heads to FLORIDA and it looks like single mom Chelsea is the mystery lady who straddles Arie on a moving jet ski. On episode 1 I made a joke about Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski is VERY Eastbound & Down and HOLY SHIT Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski BY A SINGLE MOTHER FROM A D LIST CITY is SOOOOO COMPLETELY EASTBOUND & DOWN I can't even believe it!!