Thursday, April 18, 2013
Time Out NY lovin'
This week's issue of Time Out NY features me and The New Rules for Blondes in a lovely infographic in the Comedy section. Pick up a hard copy or check it out here. So jazzy!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Tuesday 4/23 is fast approaching!
Happy spring, pussycats!
The release date of my book THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES is almost upon us! Can you believe it? Does it feel like just yesterday I shared the big news that the book had been sold to It Books? It doesn't feel like yesterday to me--heehee. So much work has gone into this book by everyone involved--my awesome agent Elizabeth, my amazing editor Amanda, my original editor Stephanie, the brilliant marketing team at It Books, my jazzy pals, my family--and on Tuesday 4/23 my baby DROPS!
Come celebrate my book release with a rad party on Tuesday 4/23 at Littlefield in Brooklyn (in Gowanus--DeGraw & 4th Avenue) with open bar, dancing, book signing, and jazzy fun times! Doors at 7:30, reading at 8pm or so, then party time USA!
Then I'm off to some book promotional dates in Boston, Austin, Chicago, and elsewhere in the coming months. I hope I see you at an event! My hair color will be fresh to death, I can assure you.
xoxo
The release date of my book THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES is almost upon us! Can you believe it? Does it feel like just yesterday I shared the big news that the book had been sold to It Books? It doesn't feel like yesterday to me--heehee. So much work has gone into this book by everyone involved--my awesome agent Elizabeth, my amazing editor Amanda, my original editor Stephanie, the brilliant marketing team at It Books, my jazzy pals, my family--and on Tuesday 4/23 my baby DROPS!
Come celebrate my book release with a rad party on Tuesday 4/23 at Littlefield in Brooklyn (in Gowanus--DeGraw & 4th Avenue) with open bar, dancing, book signing, and jazzy fun times! Doors at 7:30, reading at 8pm or so, then party time USA!
Then I'm off to some book promotional dates in Boston, Austin, Chicago, and elsewhere in the coming months. I hope I see you at an event! My hair color will be fresh to death, I can assure you.
xoxo
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Bach Sean FINALE
Jazzy cats!!
I'm sure that you watched the 3 hour Bach extravaganza last night and watched the silver vs. gold show down between Lindsay (in a silver dress that looked like it was borrowed from a late 90s sorority formal and purchased at Deb or Rave) and Catherine (in a gorgeous, gold, one shoulder gown--my fave--and serious heels).
By now, you know that Catherine, the west coast graphic designer whose father battles depression came out "on top" (yikes, just stumbled into some sexual innuendo there, I think) and won Sean's heart. Lindsay cried, Chris Harrison repeatedly called the events "historic" and "unprecedented" and America watched. I'll write a full recap this week, so stay tuned. Until then, enjoy this photo of Sean representing the red (shorts), white (watch), and blue (tank top) in the wilds of Thailand. AMERICA!
I'm sure that you watched the 3 hour Bach extravaganza last night and watched the silver vs. gold show down between Lindsay (in a silver dress that looked like it was borrowed from a late 90s sorority formal and purchased at Deb or Rave) and Catherine (in a gorgeous, gold, one shoulder gown--my fave--and serious heels).
By now, you know that Catherine, the west coast graphic designer whose father battles depression came out "on top" (yikes, just stumbled into some sexual innuendo there, I think) and won Sean's heart. Lindsay cried, Chris Harrison repeatedly called the events "historic" and "unprecedented" and America watched. I'll write a full recap this week, so stay tuned. Until then, enjoy this photo of Sean representing the red (shorts), white (watch), and blue (tank top) in the wilds of Thailand. AMERICA!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Bach Sean Recap 10: WOMYN TELL ALLLLLLL
Bach Amigos!
On Monday we experienced the women tell all and I'm going to pull a reverse Chris Harrison and say that it was the LEAST exciting Women Tell All in Bachelor history! The ladies hardly even interrupted each other! Everyone was so damn polite! What the eeeefffff, ABC!?
The episode started off with Sean and his new best friend Chris Harrison (who is newly divorced and should not only host the next season of Bach, but friggity whack BE the next Bach! Now that would be UNPRECEDENTED!) crashing Bachelor viewing parties around Los Angeles. Remember how much Oprah's audience members would go NUTS when she'd inform them that they were each getting a new car? That freak out has got NOTHING on how ladies react when Bach Sean strolls into their Bachelor viewing parties carrying red roses. LADIES WENT NUTZZZZ, especially sorority ladies. In a sorority house at UCLA, the women surrounded Sean, chanted "take off your shirt!" and Sean obliged. It was quite a gender swap from a normal Greek party situation and I kinda loved it.
Then we were in the studio where a handful of the rejected ladies were coiffed and ready for their last appearance in the Bach spotlight. Who was there?
-Ashley P. (50 Shades of WAAAAY outta line and why are they bringing back a tool who went home on night 1?)
-Diana (hairdresser with a tyke at home)
-Brooke (Betty Boop style girl who didn't do much on the show but managed to eek out some air time in this episode by playing Devil's advocate. Ya know who doesn't need an advocate, Brooke? THE DEVIL? Also, cute red jumpsuit)
-Daniella (aka Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie)
-Jackie (used to be a redhead, now a brunette. I CALLED IT! Hers was the first of many rad hair changes.)
-Kacie B. (Lordy Lordy Lord you again? For Kacie B. this episode must have felt like an attorney with her own successful practice sitting in on an LSAT review bitch session.)
-Leslie H. (the moron whose favorite movie is "Pretty Woman." She gives good bitch face, though.)
-Kristy (the "model" from Wisconsin who is pretty, but needs to SIT DOWN about it.)
-Taryn (was a platinum blonde during the season, now an ombre with darker roots, blonde tips. Another rad hair transformation.)
-Katie (I can't even. Please. Just... someone... get her some conditioner goodness gracious!)
-Amanda (wackadoo chick who wore ill-fitting J. Crew outfits at every turn)
-Selma (beautiful brunette who was a lil high-maintenance)
-Robyn (back flip girl who has a fresh bob haircut--nice work!)
-Sarah (1 arm sweet thing who won America's heart and brought me to tears AGAIN.)
-Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes whose parents are sweet, brother is a tattooed vagrant psychopath)
-Lesley M (Arkansas wearing a Razorback red dress & red lips. Nice!)
-AshLee (another ombre beauty! Though I could have done without the bandage dress. 2010 is over--can we retire those dresses please?)
And of course Tierra was there, but not seated with the other women. She was probably sitting somewhere on a cot in a hallway.
Chris Harrison kicks things out by talking about the common enemy of the house: Tierra. Selma says that she tried to help Tierra early on, advising he to "hide her crazy" and apparently AshLee and Tierra were friendly at first. Brooke defended Tierra (a cheap but successful way to get a word in edgewise on The Women Tell All). Chris explains that Tierra is backstage (where we saw a clip of her doing her patented perfume swirl) and she's coming out. Tierra comes out with hair a bit darker, a dress with an underboob cut-out panel (not a good idea on anyone, much less anyone curvy), and a BIG diamond engagement ring (cause remember her ominous warning that she could get engaged anytime she wants to!!!)
Chris pulls no punches, asking Tierra if she imagined that she'd be "that girl" in the house. She rambles on about how she brings light and joy everywhere she goes and other women try to put out her light (do they put it under a bushel, Tierra?). She says that she didn't go on The Bachelor to make friends YET she resents the other women for thinking that she didn't go there to make friends. Huh? The more important take away from Tierra's monologue was this: as a child, Tierra won the title of Little Miss Nevada. OF COURSE SHE DID. She's like a walking PSA for the terrible after effects that child beauty pageants can have on a person.
Mark my words, Honey Boo Boo will be the girl who everybody hates on the 2021 season of The Bachelor. And Chris Harrison will still be talking about how unprecedented everything is.
After Tierra is done being unrepentant, she does at 180 and apologizes, saying that she was scared of the whole situation. The ladies response to Tierra can best be shown in Lesley's facial expression:
"Ummm.... a skyooooze me?"
Then we hear from Sarah and Desiree, who were both disappointed by their rejection but have gotten over it. I wish I could say the same for sweet AshLee. AshLee is looking beautiful and I love her light blonde bottom layers, but she still wants some sort of logical explanation from Sean. GIRL! Have you never been dumped before!? Sometimes it's illogical, sometimes it hurts like hell, sometimes the dude straight-up lies but all you can do is MOVE ON. You don't need to be right and Lord knows the dude is never going to admit he was a schmuck. Sean came out and AshLee spent SO MUCH TIME berating him for lying to her and misleading her. She seems to think that she can argue and pester her way back into Sean's heart and I wish that Dr. Phil had been there to tell her that she needs to accept the reality of what is happening. I friggin' LOVE the no-nonsense, tough love of Dr. Phil McGraw and I think he would have set AshLee straight. I'm sure that Selma was sitting there wishing that AshLee would do a better job of hiding her crazy.
Overall, not the most exciting "Women Tell All" episode in Bach history, despite what Chris Harrison might say.
The episode ended with a montage of a producer's dog and the dog was certainly cute... but a full montage to end the episode? Huh? Judges, will we accept that?
Next week is the finale, which will be a 3 hour Bach extravaganza in which either Catherine or Lindsay will be chosen OR NEITHER WILL! You never know what's going to happen on Bach, right Chris?
On Monday we experienced the women tell all and I'm going to pull a reverse Chris Harrison and say that it was the LEAST exciting Women Tell All in Bachelor history! The ladies hardly even interrupted each other! Everyone was so damn polite! What the eeeefffff, ABC!?
The episode started off with Sean and his new best friend Chris Harrison (who is newly divorced and should not only host the next season of Bach, but friggity whack BE the next Bach! Now that would be UNPRECEDENTED!) crashing Bachelor viewing parties around Los Angeles. Remember how much Oprah's audience members would go NUTS when she'd inform them that they were each getting a new car? That freak out has got NOTHING on how ladies react when Bach Sean strolls into their Bachelor viewing parties carrying red roses. LADIES WENT NUTZZZZ, especially sorority ladies. In a sorority house at UCLA, the women surrounded Sean, chanted "take off your shirt!" and Sean obliged. It was quite a gender swap from a normal Greek party situation and I kinda loved it.
Then we were in the studio where a handful of the rejected ladies were coiffed and ready for their last appearance in the Bach spotlight. Who was there?
-Ashley P. (50 Shades of WAAAAY outta line and why are they bringing back a tool who went home on night 1?)
-Diana (hairdresser with a tyke at home)
-Brooke (Betty Boop style girl who didn't do much on the show but managed to eek out some air time in this episode by playing Devil's advocate. Ya know who doesn't need an advocate, Brooke? THE DEVIL? Also, cute red jumpsuit)
-Daniella (aka Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie)
-Jackie (used to be a redhead, now a brunette. I CALLED IT! Hers was the first of many rad hair changes.)
-Kacie B. (Lordy Lordy Lord you again? For Kacie B. this episode must have felt like an attorney with her own successful practice sitting in on an LSAT review bitch session.)
-Leslie H. (the moron whose favorite movie is "Pretty Woman." She gives good bitch face, though.)
-Kristy (the "model" from Wisconsin who is pretty, but needs to SIT DOWN about it.)
-Taryn (was a platinum blonde during the season, now an ombre with darker roots, blonde tips. Another rad hair transformation.)
-Katie (I can't even. Please. Just... someone... get her some conditioner goodness gracious!)
-Amanda (wackadoo chick who wore ill-fitting J. Crew outfits at every turn)
-Selma (beautiful brunette who was a lil high-maintenance)
-Robyn (back flip girl who has a fresh bob haircut--nice work!)
-Sarah (1 arm sweet thing who won America's heart and brought me to tears AGAIN.)
-Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes whose parents are sweet, brother is a tattooed vagrant psychopath)
-Lesley M (Arkansas wearing a Razorback red dress & red lips. Nice!)
-AshLee (another ombre beauty! Though I could have done without the bandage dress. 2010 is over--can we retire those dresses please?)
And of course Tierra was there, but not seated with the other women. She was probably sitting somewhere on a cot in a hallway.
Chris Harrison kicks things out by talking about the common enemy of the house: Tierra. Selma says that she tried to help Tierra early on, advising he to "hide her crazy" and apparently AshLee and Tierra were friendly at first. Brooke defended Tierra (a cheap but successful way to get a word in edgewise on The Women Tell All). Chris explains that Tierra is backstage (where we saw a clip of her doing her patented perfume swirl) and she's coming out. Tierra comes out with hair a bit darker, a dress with an underboob cut-out panel (not a good idea on anyone, much less anyone curvy), and a BIG diamond engagement ring (cause remember her ominous warning that she could get engaged anytime she wants to!!!)
Chris pulls no punches, asking Tierra if she imagined that she'd be "that girl" in the house. She rambles on about how she brings light and joy everywhere she goes and other women try to put out her light (do they put it under a bushel, Tierra?). She says that she didn't go on The Bachelor to make friends YET she resents the other women for thinking that she didn't go there to make friends. Huh? The more important take away from Tierra's monologue was this: as a child, Tierra won the title of Little Miss Nevada. OF COURSE SHE DID. She's like a walking PSA for the terrible after effects that child beauty pageants can have on a person.
After Tierra is done being unrepentant, she does at 180 and apologizes, saying that she was scared of the whole situation. The ladies response to Tierra can best be shown in Lesley's facial expression:
Then we hear from Sarah and Desiree, who were both disappointed by their rejection but have gotten over it. I wish I could say the same for sweet AshLee. AshLee is looking beautiful and I love her light blonde bottom layers, but she still wants some sort of logical explanation from Sean. GIRL! Have you never been dumped before!? Sometimes it's illogical, sometimes it hurts like hell, sometimes the dude straight-up lies but all you can do is MOVE ON. You don't need to be right and Lord knows the dude is never going to admit he was a schmuck. Sean came out and AshLee spent SO MUCH TIME berating him for lying to her and misleading her. She seems to think that she can argue and pester her way back into Sean's heart and I wish that Dr. Phil had been there to tell her that she needs to accept the reality of what is happening. I friggin' LOVE the no-nonsense, tough love of Dr. Phil McGraw and I think he would have set AshLee straight. I'm sure that Selma was sitting there wishing that AshLee would do a better job of hiding her crazy.
Overall, not the most exciting "Women Tell All" episode in Bach history, despite what Chris Harrison might say.
The episode ended with a montage of a producer's dog and the dog was certainly cute... but a full montage to end the episode? Huh? Judges, will we accept that?
Next week is the finale, which will be a 3 hour Bach extravaganza in which either Catherine or Lindsay will be chosen OR NEITHER WILL! You never know what's going to happen on Bach, right Chris?
Friday, March 1, 2013
Bach Sean Recap 9: Thailand Triumvirate
Sweet pussycats!
I have been derelict in my duty to report to you the goings-on of Bach Sean and his remaining trio of bikini-ready brunette beauties (pour some out for the blonde gals we have lost this season, wouldja?). My apologies. I got back from LA on Monday night (after a DOOZY of a flight involving tons of screaming/crying children and a lot of VERY smelly people) then I had shows every night this week. Mama needs to tell her jokes, kiddos! But when she does, she can't Bach recap so quick. Deal with it!
So we're down to 3: Lindsay (wedding dress 24 year old), Catherine (26 year old who likes to tell America facts about her father's crippling depression), and my favorite gal AshLee (32 year old gorgeous Texan with awesome hair who can do no wrong and deserves more happiness than anyone else in the world). Oh, and errrrybody's in Thailand. (I wonder if they actually drink delicious Thai Iced Tea in Thailand, or if it's like Long Island Iced Tea where... well... no, I'd bet that Long Island residents get rowdy with their LITs, so please ignore this parenthetical aside. Back to Bach talk!)
Lindsay gets the first 1:1 date and she's in a cute, flowy skirt and white tank top--looking good, despite the heat & humidity! Lindsay and Sean ride in a little cart powered by a low budget moped and arrive at an outdoor bazaar. On the way, Lindsay said that she'll eat anything except bugs. Well guess what's on the menu, Wedding Dress Boozehound Lindsay? BUGS! WHY oh WHY do they keep pushing these girls to go outside their comfort zones!? I'll stay right here inside my comfort zone where there's a Dunkin' Donuts on every corner and my colorist is always available, thank you very much! Because she's eager to please Sean and avoid a fight on national TV, Lindsay puts back grubs and grasshoppers and I am absolutely horrified. Then they don swimsuits and go to a beach where they feed monkeys. MONKEYS! Oh my goodness is there anything cuter than a monkey? NO! Look at this little amigo who expression seems to say, "Sean, was it really necessary to make your would-be bride eat bugs?"
That night, the couple gets dressed up for dinner and Lindsay must have stolen dresses off the set of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" because her white get-up just screams 1991. They talk and watch Thai dancers, then head back to the Fantasy Suite where Lindsay tells Sean that she loves him and Sean responds, "thanks."
Up next is AshLee's 1:1 date and yes, there are more personal challenges and forced pushes out of comfort zones--blech. AshLee admits that she's "not sure where Sean's head is at" and she's also not sure how to avoid dangling prepositions. Oh gurl, I love ya though. Sean and AshLee ride on a boat, then swim through a dark cave and that 5 minutes spent Doggy Paddling is a metaphor for how AshLee needs to work through her issues with abandonment blah blah blah. That night they eat a candle lit dinner in a pagoda on the beach (very cute) and have a great conversation about how they're both still single at 32 and their family/friends think that they are like aliens because of that fact. I feel ya, Sean and Ash! (Can I call you Ash?) They go back to the Fantasy Suite JUST TO TALK where AshLee says that she likes cushion cut diamonds or something (I don't know diamond jargon) and her ring size is 6.5. Now that's chutzpah.
The final 1:1 date is Catherine and Sean and they do some boat riding, too. Catherine makes a Titanic joke (why do people insist on making jokes about the WORST boating accident in history EVERY time they are on boats?) and keeps saying that she's weird and super nerdy. They strip down to swimsuits (and Catherine is rocking a 2 color bikini, which I adore), then back flip into the water. They swim to shallow water and it starts raining, then they kiss in the rain (what is this, a hit single from fall of 1997 that I was obsessed with in high school?). That night they have dinner and talk about where they see themselves in 5 years (like you do on an early date/job interview) and Catherine says no dice on the Fantasy Suit because she wants to be seen as "a lady." I'll admit that AshLee and Catherine's discomfort with the implication of the Fantasy Suite (HUMP DOWN!) is actually really refreshing. Go girls! Catherine and Sean go back to the suite to talk and she refers to Sean as "such a hunk"which is corny but endearing.
The next shot is Chris Harrison back at the Bachelor mansion introducing an SHAMELESS promotion for some Wizard of Oz thing that ABC is broadcasting. I fast forwarded so I have no idea what that was about. If it's not the original or The Wiz, I'm not interested.
Finally it's rejection/love time and it's drizzling out, so I fear for the ladies hair. The girls arrive with cute Thai parasols to protect their domes though, thank God. Lindsay is in a cute blue dress with a mullet style bottom (shorter in front, longer in back). Catherine is in a salmon sundress and says that Sean "gives her the wiggles" when she thinks about him (she crossed a line of corniness now--it's just too much). AshLee is wearing a gorgeous, statement necklace and a SKIMPY dress that looks more like nipple covers and pants. Yowza.
Sean says that this week is especially hard for him because this final 3 week was when Emily negged him back in that season (he used different phrasing, but you know what I mean). Let's get to the good stuff. The roses are handed out to...
Lindsay (you seriously think you could marry a 24 year old, Sean?)
Catherine (Titanic jokes don't sink Sean's heart... or something)
So sweet AshLee is going home. She handles the rejection with aplomb, though, simply walking out of the rose ceremony and getting in the car. Sean tries to follow her out and she asks him to simply stay there, but he insists. As he tries to explain himself by the car, AshLee just stares at him and says nothing, then gets in the car. GOOD GIRL! Now THAT is how you get dropped on national TV and not come off looking like a complete loser. Just keep it together and WALK AWAY.
In the car, AshLee mostly holds it together and doesn't say much. She did say one very telling thing, though: that this was never a game to her, that it wasn't all about laughter and having fun. Oh AshLee, I think that was your problem. It's such a hard dance in Bach land--to try and just let things unfold without overthinking it, but also be somewhat smart about the whole thing. It's not easy.
On Monday 3/4 is the infamous "Women Tell All" episode and I can't wait! If Bach tradition holds, all of the rejected ladies will be coming back looking FIERCE and at least one gal will have changed her hair color. I can't wait!
I have been derelict in my duty to report to you the goings-on of Bach Sean and his remaining trio of bikini-ready brunette beauties (pour some out for the blonde gals we have lost this season, wouldja?). My apologies. I got back from LA on Monday night (after a DOOZY of a flight involving tons of screaming/crying children and a lot of VERY smelly people) then I had shows every night this week. Mama needs to tell her jokes, kiddos! But when she does, she can't Bach recap so quick. Deal with it!
So we're down to 3: Lindsay (wedding dress 24 year old), Catherine (26 year old who likes to tell America facts about her father's crippling depression), and my favorite gal AshLee (32 year old gorgeous Texan with awesome hair who can do no wrong and deserves more happiness than anyone else in the world). Oh, and errrrybody's in Thailand. (I wonder if they actually drink delicious Thai Iced Tea in Thailand, or if it's like Long Island Iced Tea where... well... no, I'd bet that Long Island residents get rowdy with their LITs, so please ignore this parenthetical aside. Back to Bach talk!)
Lindsay gets the first 1:1 date and she's in a cute, flowy skirt and white tank top--looking good, despite the heat & humidity! Lindsay and Sean ride in a little cart powered by a low budget moped and arrive at an outdoor bazaar. On the way, Lindsay said that she'll eat anything except bugs. Well guess what's on the menu, Wedding Dress Boozehound Lindsay? BUGS! WHY oh WHY do they keep pushing these girls to go outside their comfort zones!? I'll stay right here inside my comfort zone where there's a Dunkin' Donuts on every corner and my colorist is always available, thank you very much! Because she's eager to please Sean and avoid a fight on national TV, Lindsay puts back grubs and grasshoppers and I am absolutely horrified. Then they don swimsuits and go to a beach where they feed monkeys. MONKEYS! Oh my goodness is there anything cuter than a monkey? NO! Look at this little amigo who expression seems to say, "Sean, was it really necessary to make your would-be bride eat bugs?"
That night, the couple gets dressed up for dinner and Lindsay must have stolen dresses off the set of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" because her white get-up just screams 1991. They talk and watch Thai dancers, then head back to the Fantasy Suite where Lindsay tells Sean that she loves him and Sean responds, "thanks."
Up next is AshLee's 1:1 date and yes, there are more personal challenges and forced pushes out of comfort zones--blech. AshLee admits that she's "not sure where Sean's head is at" and she's also not sure how to avoid dangling prepositions. Oh gurl, I love ya though. Sean and AshLee ride on a boat, then swim through a dark cave and that 5 minutes spent Doggy Paddling is a metaphor for how AshLee needs to work through her issues with abandonment blah blah blah. That night they eat a candle lit dinner in a pagoda on the beach (very cute) and have a great conversation about how they're both still single at 32 and their family/friends think that they are like aliens because of that fact. I feel ya, Sean and Ash! (Can I call you Ash?) They go back to the Fantasy Suite JUST TO TALK where AshLee says that she likes cushion cut diamonds or something (I don't know diamond jargon) and her ring size is 6.5. Now that's chutzpah.
The final 1:1 date is Catherine and Sean and they do some boat riding, too. Catherine makes a Titanic joke (why do people insist on making jokes about the WORST boating accident in history EVERY time they are on boats?) and keeps saying that she's weird and super nerdy. They strip down to swimsuits (and Catherine is rocking a 2 color bikini, which I adore), then back flip into the water. They swim to shallow water and it starts raining, then they kiss in the rain (what is this, a hit single from fall of 1997 that I was obsessed with in high school?). That night they have dinner and talk about where they see themselves in 5 years (like you do on an early date/job interview) and Catherine says no dice on the Fantasy Suit because she wants to be seen as "a lady." I'll admit that AshLee and Catherine's discomfort with the implication of the Fantasy Suite (HUMP DOWN!) is actually really refreshing. Go girls! Catherine and Sean go back to the suite to talk and she refers to Sean as "such a hunk"which is corny but endearing.
The next shot is Chris Harrison back at the Bachelor mansion introducing an SHAMELESS promotion for some Wizard of Oz thing that ABC is broadcasting. I fast forwarded so I have no idea what that was about. If it's not the original or The Wiz, I'm not interested.
Finally it's rejection/love time and it's drizzling out, so I fear for the ladies hair. The girls arrive with cute Thai parasols to protect their domes though, thank God. Lindsay is in a cute blue dress with a mullet style bottom (shorter in front, longer in back). Catherine is in a salmon sundress and says that Sean "gives her the wiggles" when she thinks about him (she crossed a line of corniness now--it's just too much). AshLee is wearing a gorgeous, statement necklace and a SKIMPY dress that looks more like nipple covers and pants. Yowza.
Sean says that this week is especially hard for him because this final 3 week was when Emily negged him back in that season (he used different phrasing, but you know what I mean). Let's get to the good stuff. The roses are handed out to...
Lindsay (you seriously think you could marry a 24 year old, Sean?)
Catherine (Titanic jokes don't sink Sean's heart... or something)
So sweet AshLee is going home. She handles the rejection with aplomb, though, simply walking out of the rose ceremony and getting in the car. Sean tries to follow her out and she asks him to simply stay there, but he insists. As he tries to explain himself by the car, AshLee just stares at him and says nothing, then gets in the car. GOOD GIRL! Now THAT is how you get dropped on national TV and not come off looking like a complete loser. Just keep it together and WALK AWAY.
In the car, AshLee mostly holds it together and doesn't say much. She did say one very telling thing, though: that this was never a game to her, that it wasn't all about laughter and having fun. Oh AshLee, I think that was your problem. It's such a hard dance in Bach land--to try and just let things unfold without overthinking it, but also be somewhat smart about the whole thing. It's not easy.
On Monday 3/4 is the infamous "Women Tell All" episode and I can't wait! If Bach tradition holds, all of the rejected ladies will be coming back looking FIERCE and at least one gal will have changed her hair color. I can't wait!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Bach Sean Recap 8: Hometowns
This week we were yet again treated to a double dose of
Bachelor, with the hometown dates episode airing on Monday, then a “Sean Tells
All” episode on Tuesday. I can’t keep up
with this much Bach and lead a functional life, ABC! Back up off me, back up off me, wouldja! The “Sean Tells All” episode is a new
development (UNPRECEDENTED! as Chris Harrison would say) and I tuned in just long
enough to have him say that he dodged a bullet by sending Tierra home. Good boy, Sean!
Hometowns were a thrill ride of tears, half-eaten dinners
served Last Supper style (that is, everyone one a long table), and bad tattoos
(I’m looking at you, Desiree’s brother).
Up first was AshLee and Sean met her in Houston, TX where
her father is a preacher, much like how Sean’s father AND grandfather are both
preachers at his church in Dallas. How
is ANY competition still going on with those facts in place? Sean’s the son of a preacher man and so is
AshLee—holy Dusty Springfield these two well-mannered lovebirds should build
a nest!
Over dinner, AshLee and Sean tell her parents of their travels and
romance and AshLee is a little too candid about the romance part. Girl, nobody’s father wants to hear that his
daughter was rolling around in the sand “From Here to Eternity”-style while
videocameras rolled. Tears abound and
overall, AshLee’s parents are a lot like she is: earnest, positive, good
people.
Up next is Catherine’s family in Seattle , but before Sean can meet three
generations of women, he and Catherine try their hands at fish catching in the Pike Place Fish Market. Catherine wears her hair down
while behind the fish counter and ABC had better pray that the Department of
Health doesn’t watch Bach, or that market will be SHUT DOWN! (Trust me—in the food service world, nobody
even cares if you have phenomenal hair—you’d better tie it back!) They explore Seattle, walking through shops,
chewing bubble gum and adding it to a filthy wall of bubble gum (I could hardly
watch), and reviewing how to show respect to an elder. At the house, Sean meets Catherine’s
grandmother (who loves Sean right away), her mother (whose response to Sean’s
inquiry about Catherine’s hand in marriage is, “We’ll see what happens!”), and
her two sisters (who love saying “like” almost as Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie aka Daniella did earlier this season). The sisters do a great job of torpedoing
Catherine’s hopes of ending up with Sean, telling him that she’s moody and
immature. With family like that, who
needs enemies? One thing that WAS
refreshing about the visit to Catherine’s family is that they showed a lower
middle class existence, which The Bach normally NEVER touches.
Sean’s 3rd stop was Army brat Lindsay’s hometown
of Fort Leonard Wood, MO, where Lindsay’s father is a 2 star General. Lindsay and Sean had some 1:1 time first and
she was completely useless when Sean asked how he should address her father
(THANKS FOR NOTHING, Wedding Dress!) and then Lindsay acted as his drill
sergeant while he did an Army-style workout.
It was very 50 SHADES OF GREY if that book took place on an Army base
and the younger woman was dominating the older man instead of the other way
around and I had read that crappy book.
Lindsay’s parents seem great and her younger brother is preciously
awkward. Sean and her father go down to
his man cave for a beer and man talk, during which Sean asks for permission to
marry Lindsay and General Dad
responds by comparing The Bachelor to the experience of a paratrooper jumping
from a helicopter into enemy territory.
I bet everything is a military analogy to that guy and it cracks me
up. General Dad gives Sean a pair of dog
tags before he leaves, so at least if Sean gets shot in enemy territory, they
can ID his body (or whatever… I got a little lost in that analogy).
The last stop on the Love Locomotive is Desiree’s hometown
of Los Angeles , CA
Finally, Desiree’s family arrives and her parents are absolutely
delightful: super sweet, genuine, open-minded.
Sharing a tent as a home in childhood must make siblings TIGHT because
Desiree’s brother is overprotective and NOT happy that Sean is dating his sister. Brother Nate must have learned the word
“reciprocation” yesterday because he drops it in conversation about 10 times
while he’s gesturing with his tattoo-covered HANDS (tats are cool, but hand
tats is where I draw the line—it’s just trashy, I’m sorry) about how Sean must
be a sleezy guy. Oh, that’s rich. Isn’t
that the white trash piece of junk calling the earnest virgin bachelor black
(or however that saying goes)?
Finally, it’s rose ceremony time and all the ladies are
looking gorgeous (although Desiree’s gold dress is a lil too short for thick
legs like she has—just a friendly tip, gurl!).
The 4 ladies are all lined up (final 4 is all brunettes, which breaks my
heart, but aligns with my blonde/brunette dating recommendation in my
forthcoming book THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES—out on April 23, 2013!) and Sean’s
about to start doling out the roses but Desiree interrupts. She pulls him aside to apologize for her
brother’s rude behavior and terrible choice in tats. But will it make a difference? We’re about to find out.
Who scores a sweet flower?
AshLee (HECK to the YES.
Sean has GOT to end up with her or the gods must be crazy)
Lindsay (I think Sean just wants to hear more interesting
military analogies, and who wouldn’t?)
There’s only one rose left, as Chris Harrison reminds us
(thereby justifying his salary) and it goes to…
Catherine (I guess Sean will take “moody and immature” over
“disgruntled white trash brother.” I
don’t see Catherine making it to the final 2, though.)
Sean walks Desiree out and she repeatedly says that she’s
“100% sure" Sean made the wrong decision and tries to argue her way back into
the house. Oh Des, have you never been
dumped? Save a lil face, girl, and get
in the friggin’ limo where you can lose your shit in relative privacy (minus the
whole “this is a network TV show” part).
Sean tries to soothe her, saying that he’ll miss her and she responds, “then
don’t let me go.” No no no, girl. He’s saying he’ll miss you, but he’s willing
to miss you—WALK AWAY. May I recommend a
book, Desiree? It’s called HE’S JUST NOT
THAT INTO YOU (I know, I know). Take it
from someone who has gone through her fair share of breakups (the best/worst of
which was a tool who I met in a comedy writing class and he claimed that he was
breaking up with me because he “wanted to focus on his comedy, THEN meet a lady.” Yeah, cause you get to pick the order that
things happen like that! That jag recently got
married despite the fact that he has NO comedy career. Score one for the jilted blonde who actually gets
booked on comedy shows, eh? But I
digress), just walk away. Don’t try to
“figure it out” or convince anyone to care about you. It will never work, so just walk.
Was that motivational speech about break-ups long enough for
ya, sweet reader?
Next Monday Sean and the trio are in Thailand for
sun, fun, and high-pressure romance. If
there’s one thing that I’ve learned from about a decade of Bachelor watching,
it’s that Desiree will most likely show up at Sean’s hotel in Thailand to
“get closure.” I can’t wait!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Bach Sean Recap 7: Tierra's Last Stand
Jazzy cats!
My recap is INSANELY late, I know. And I'm dropping late recap on the most dramatic episode of the season--are you kidding me!? And I call myself a Bach die-hard!!
I finally had time to watch Monday's episode and lordy lordy it was a goodie! We had bikinis, unflattering photos, and a roll away bed. What more can you ask for!?
The 6 remaining women and Sean flew to St. Croix for some fun in the sun and bonding time before "hometowns" (how sad is it that "hometowns" has become Bachelor jargon and we all know exactly what it means? We all do, right? EVERYONE! Just me? SHUT IT!) Tierra immediately sets up a room of her own (Virginia Woolf-style) because she doesn't want to share a bed with any of the other women (not very Virginia Woolf reasoning) and that "private room" is a friggin' roll away bed in a hallway. Cool setup, Scar!
AshLee scores the first 1:1 date and Tierra makes a crack that AshLee is a cougar. AshLee is 32 and Sean is 32, so nobody is a cougar here, Tierrible. If you insist on animal metaphors, a more apt one might be that Sean and AshLee are jungle cats BORN ON THE SAME DAY, jerkwad. Tierra then wonders why AshLee is still single at 32 and hasn't "found someone." Oh Tierra, just when I think I can't hate you more than I already do, you drop a comment like that and further the harmful dialogue that women can ONLY matter in society if they are married or pregnant. (Women's Studies 101, what what!)
AshLee and Sean spend their date swimming off a catamaran and she rocks a two tone bikini, which is a style I love and I wear on the beach at my own personal St. Croix, Coney Island. Lovely AshLee levels with Sean about Tierra, sharing specifics about how unfriendly, fake, and childish she is. Go gurl!
That evening they share dinner and AshLee admits that during her period of high school rebellion, she got married at 17 and divorced by 18. (Look Mom & Dad: that makes my high school rebellion getting of a tattoo & shoplifting look like CHILD'S PLAY!) They stand on chairs and scream about their love (holy dumb chills, Batman), then she drops the L bomb with Sean as they wade in the water and make out. No rose up for grabs on that date, but Sean obviously adores her.
Meanwhile back at the lady lair, Tierra learns that she'll get next 1:1 date and the other women are SUPPORTIVE and friendly about it because they are classy as hell. The date card says something about exploring the town and Tierra immediately starts kvetching because she'd rather be on the beach or sailing with Sean. Tierra IS Veruca Salt (the insufferable brat from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory--not the 90s band).
On their date, Tierra and Sean enjoy frozen drinks, stumble upon a parade (when DOESN'T that happen on dates, am I right single ladies?), and go shopping. Sean buys Tierra a few trinkets and she is elated because Tierra's only type of emotional currency is ACTUAL CURRENCY. Sean and Tierra sit and talk about "how she's doing in the house," which is Sean's tactful way of addressing the fact that she's this season's Vienna/Courtney. Tierra is unrepentant, saying that she wouldn't have handled things in the house differently if she could do it over, which is probably NOT what Sean wanted to hear. Tierra complains that Sean is being distant and blames the women for this (saying they sabotaged her), rather than accepting that maybe this dude just doesn't like her anymore. Tierra is The Bachelor's Taylor Swift, constantly blaming others for her misfortune, when maybe she should do a lil self-reflection. In Sean's eyes, the bloom has simply fallen off the rose of Tierra, and it's gorgeous to watch. (Is there a more appropriate place for "bloom off the rose" jokes than in a Bach recap? I'M A GENIUS!)
The next day is a group date for Sean and Catherine (half Asian, cool gal but a somewhat annoying voice), Desiree (poor man's Katie Holmes), and Lindsay (super bubbly runaway bride) and the date kicks off before sunrise when Sean storms their bedrooms and wakes them at 4:30 am with a flashlight and camera. I assumed that they were going to be kidnapped and left somewhere off campus to find their own way home, sorority pledging-style, but alas they just drove to the beach to watch a breathtaking sunrise. The foursome spent the whole day on a road trip across the island of St. Croix to the west side, where they watched the sun set and each girl had private time with Sean. Catherine revealed a LOT about her father (depression, suicide attempts) and I'd bet that her dad's depression wasn't helped by his daughter spilling his beans on national TV. Lindsay went swimming but somehow ended up with a face FULL of make-up, and Desiree started crying at the mention of her parents. It's getting emotional pre-hometowns, amigos! There was a rose up for grabs on that group date and Lindsay got it, so Sean will be meeting her military father next week. Gulp.
The final 1:1 date goes to rad razorback lady Lesley, who puts on a super cute, coral skirt and meets Sean in a park where they pick avocados, make out, and have awkward conversation. Sadly, Sean says that his relationship with Lesley simply hasn't progressed the way that his other relationships have and it's a foreboding comment to me. Maybe also because I already heard who got negged.
The next day, Sean's (rad, blonde) sister Shay arrives on St. Croix to give some sibling counseling. Before Sean left for this adventure, Shay gave him ONE piece of advice: DO NOT end up with the girl who everybody hates. BLESS YOU, SHAY! If only former Bachelors Jake and Ben had sisters like you! Sean tells Shay that Tierra is that girl and tries to defend her, finally deciding to grab her from the house and to have Tierra meet Shay. The timing is poetic, as JUST when Sean is walking up to the house, Tierra is screaming that she can't control her eyebrows, her parents warned her that other women would try to "take her sparkle," and that men LOVE her and woman are jealous of her (also known as the internalized sexism anthem). There's a whole lotta hand motioning, head wiggling, and tears going on.
Sean walks into the aftermath and tells a tear-stained Tierra that she should simply go home, as this seems to be a toxic situation for her. Tierra continues her tour of blaming other women, whining, "I hope they're happy" as she is driven away. GURL, SEAN DUMPED YOU--the other women didn't dump you. Stop blaming everyone else in the world for YOUR LIFE. (This is getting a lil Dr. Phil, huh?)
That night, the ladies arrive at the cocktail party with no idea what happened with Tierra. They learn that Sean sent her packing because of her drama and AshLee has a moment of anxiety about her (minimal) role in the fight that afternoon. Thankfully, Sean knows that AshLee simply got caught in the crossfire of Tierra's mayhem but AshLee isn't the dramatic one. Sean doesn't want to have a cocktail party, though; he's going straight to the rose ceremony. (If I were on the show, I'd be like, "No cocktail party? Umm... can somebody just hold my legs while I do this white wine stand REAL QUICK? I have a straw--I just need a lil boost! I aint going into a rose ceremony without a little buzz, mmmmK? BTW Chris Harrison, I'm a HUGE fan!")
How did the rose hand-out go down?
Lindsay already had one, then they went to...
Desiree
Catherine
AshLee
So sweet Arkansan Lesley is going home.
Next week is hometown dates and Desiree's brother friggity whack HATES Sean. I can't wait to watch! xoxo
My recap is INSANELY late, I know. And I'm dropping late recap on the most dramatic episode of the season--are you kidding me!? And I call myself a Bach die-hard!!
I finally had time to watch Monday's episode and lordy lordy it was a goodie! We had bikinis, unflattering photos, and a roll away bed. What more can you ask for!?
The 6 remaining women and Sean flew to St. Croix for some fun in the sun and bonding time before "hometowns" (how sad is it that "hometowns" has become Bachelor jargon and we all know exactly what it means? We all do, right? EVERYONE! Just me? SHUT IT!) Tierra immediately sets up a room of her own (Virginia Woolf-style) because she doesn't want to share a bed with any of the other women (not very Virginia Woolf reasoning) and that "private room" is a friggin' roll away bed in a hallway. Cool setup, Scar!
AshLee scores the first 1:1 date and Tierra makes a crack that AshLee is a cougar. AshLee is 32 and Sean is 32, so nobody is a cougar here, Tierrible. If you insist on animal metaphors, a more apt one might be that Sean and AshLee are jungle cats BORN ON THE SAME DAY, jerkwad. Tierra then wonders why AshLee is still single at 32 and hasn't "found someone." Oh Tierra, just when I think I can't hate you more than I already do, you drop a comment like that and further the harmful dialogue that women can ONLY matter in society if they are married or pregnant. (Women's Studies 101, what what!)
AshLee and Sean spend their date swimming off a catamaran and she rocks a two tone bikini, which is a style I love and I wear on the beach at my own personal St. Croix, Coney Island. Lovely AshLee levels with Sean about Tierra, sharing specifics about how unfriendly, fake, and childish she is. Go gurl!
That evening they share dinner and AshLee admits that during her period of high school rebellion, she got married at 17 and divorced by 18. (Look Mom & Dad: that makes my high school rebellion getting of a tattoo & shoplifting look like CHILD'S PLAY!) They stand on chairs and scream about their love (holy dumb chills, Batman), then she drops the L bomb with Sean as they wade in the water and make out. No rose up for grabs on that date, but Sean obviously adores her.
Meanwhile back at the lady lair, Tierra learns that she'll get next 1:1 date and the other women are SUPPORTIVE and friendly about it because they are classy as hell. The date card says something about exploring the town and Tierra immediately starts kvetching because she'd rather be on the beach or sailing with Sean. Tierra IS Veruca Salt (the insufferable brat from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory--not the 90s band).
On their date, Tierra and Sean enjoy frozen drinks, stumble upon a parade (when DOESN'T that happen on dates, am I right single ladies?), and go shopping. Sean buys Tierra a few trinkets and she is elated because Tierra's only type of emotional currency is ACTUAL CURRENCY. Sean and Tierra sit and talk about "how she's doing in the house," which is Sean's tactful way of addressing the fact that she's this season's Vienna/Courtney. Tierra is unrepentant, saying that she wouldn't have handled things in the house differently if she could do it over, which is probably NOT what Sean wanted to hear. Tierra complains that Sean is being distant and blames the women for this (saying they sabotaged her), rather than accepting that maybe this dude just doesn't like her anymore. Tierra is The Bachelor's Taylor Swift, constantly blaming others for her misfortune, when maybe she should do a lil self-reflection. In Sean's eyes, the bloom has simply fallen off the rose of Tierra, and it's gorgeous to watch. (Is there a more appropriate place for "bloom off the rose" jokes than in a Bach recap? I'M A GENIUS!)
The next day is a group date for Sean and Catherine (half Asian, cool gal but a somewhat annoying voice), Desiree (poor man's Katie Holmes), and Lindsay (super bubbly runaway bride) and the date kicks off before sunrise when Sean storms their bedrooms and wakes them at 4:30 am with a flashlight and camera. I assumed that they were going to be kidnapped and left somewhere off campus to find their own way home, sorority pledging-style, but alas they just drove to the beach to watch a breathtaking sunrise. The foursome spent the whole day on a road trip across the island of St. Croix to the west side, where they watched the sun set and each girl had private time with Sean. Catherine revealed a LOT about her father (depression, suicide attempts) and I'd bet that her dad's depression wasn't helped by his daughter spilling his beans on national TV. Lindsay went swimming but somehow ended up with a face FULL of make-up, and Desiree started crying at the mention of her parents. It's getting emotional pre-hometowns, amigos! There was a rose up for grabs on that group date and Lindsay got it, so Sean will be meeting her military father next week. Gulp.
The final 1:1 date goes to rad razorback lady Lesley, who puts on a super cute, coral skirt and meets Sean in a park where they pick avocados, make out, and have awkward conversation. Sadly, Sean says that his relationship with Lesley simply hasn't progressed the way that his other relationships have and it's a foreboding comment to me. Maybe also because I already heard who got negged.
The next day, Sean's (rad, blonde) sister Shay arrives on St. Croix to give some sibling counseling. Before Sean left for this adventure, Shay gave him ONE piece of advice: DO NOT end up with the girl who everybody hates. BLESS YOU, SHAY! If only former Bachelors Jake and Ben had sisters like you! Sean tells Shay that Tierra is that girl and tries to defend her, finally deciding to grab her from the house and to have Tierra meet Shay. The timing is poetic, as JUST when Sean is walking up to the house, Tierra is screaming that she can't control her eyebrows, her parents warned her that other women would try to "take her sparkle," and that men LOVE her and woman are jealous of her (also known as the internalized sexism anthem). There's a whole lotta hand motioning, head wiggling, and tears going on.
Sean walks into the aftermath and tells a tear-stained Tierra that she should simply go home, as this seems to be a toxic situation for her. Tierra continues her tour of blaming other women, whining, "I hope they're happy" as she is driven away. GURL, SEAN DUMPED YOU--the other women didn't dump you. Stop blaming everyone else in the world for YOUR LIFE. (This is getting a lil Dr. Phil, huh?)
That night, the ladies arrive at the cocktail party with no idea what happened with Tierra. They learn that Sean sent her packing because of her drama and AshLee has a moment of anxiety about her (minimal) role in the fight that afternoon. Thankfully, Sean knows that AshLee simply got caught in the crossfire of Tierra's mayhem but AshLee isn't the dramatic one. Sean doesn't want to have a cocktail party, though; he's going straight to the rose ceremony. (If I were on the show, I'd be like, "No cocktail party? Umm... can somebody just hold my legs while I do this white wine stand REAL QUICK? I have a straw--I just need a lil boost! I aint going into a rose ceremony without a little buzz, mmmmK? BTW Chris Harrison, I'm a HUGE fan!")
How did the rose hand-out go down?
Lindsay already had one, then they went to...
Desiree
Catherine
AshLee
So sweet Arkansan Lesley is going home.
Next week is hometown dates and Desiree's brother friggity whack HATES Sean. I can't wait to watch! xoxo
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