Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Ep 10: THE DECISION (just like LeBron, huh?)

Monday night Andi Dorfman aka Ombre DA made the most important decision of these modern days, picking between Josh, a poor man's Kenny Powers whose job title is "Former Pro Baseball Player" (a job he quit 5 years ago) with hyper waxed eyebrows and tattoos in his armpits (hence my ingenious nickname for him: Armpit Tats) and Nick, a mischievous Milwaukee native who didn't get along well with other men (red flag) and spent the entire season bragging that he would win Andi's heart.  Yes, this entire paragraph has been one long sentence.  That's what commas are for, JAGS!

Nick met Andi's family first: mother Patti (they love their i names!), father Hy (who has an amazing poker face), sister Rachel, and brother-in-law Who Cares With A Bad Haircut. Nick makes a good impression by arriving with flowers for Patti and a bottle of booze for Hy (quite a dice roll--what if Hy's in recovery and/or a teetotaler?).  Patti commented on how nervous Nick seemed but Nick wins over Mama Bear by repeatedly saying that he loves Andi and he knows she's the one and he loves her a lot and he knows she's it for him, until Patti says "UNCLE." Hy asks Nick what he likes about Andi and Nick gives genuine, thoughtful reasons (more than I can say for how Josh later answered that question), then Hy gives his blessing.

Up next is Josh and God bless Papa Hy, he hates Josh on sight.  Hy comments on the fact that Josh is a former pro ball player and he seems extremely nervous.  Josh is like a robot--sure, he can technically answer the questions he is asked and engage in conversation, but there's no there there.  He's like a musician who has the technical stuff down--he can do the scales, he can read the sheet music--but has no soul.  Sure, this rendition of "Night Moves" is technically correct and you are hitting the notes at the right time, but I want to hear you perform in a way that tells me that you were once young, restless, and bored, ya know? Armpit Tats isn't worth my brilliant theorizing, so I'll just say this: Josh met Andi's family and didn't screw up.

The next day Andi has her final date with Josh and they go swimming and snorkeling off the side of a beautiful boat.  That night they have their final evening together and Josh is rocking some atrocious red pants (did you come straight from the Yacht Club, dickwad?) while Andi is wearing one of many backless, silk shirts. Armpit Tats has a gift for Andi and it's (1) a note (isn't he a KILLER GIFT GIVER?) and (2) a baseball card with her photo and stats.  OF COURSE Josh gives Andi a baseball card.  What ELSE would he give her, a necklace? But a necklace won't serve as a constant reminder that he is a FORMER PRO BASEBALL PLAYER, will it? No it won't.

The next day is Nick's final date with Andi and they go mudding (gave me flashbacks to one of the best dates I've ever been on--offroading through the woods of NJ in a lifted Chevy with a redneck hottie 8 years my junior BUT I DIGRESS).  They talk about her family, Andi says that Nick makes her "think of things I never thought before" (huh?), and they go swimming. That night, Nick breaks out another one of his multicolored baseball-style shirts (he has a cornucopia of them!) while Andi rocks another drapey silk shirt. As Nick and Andi sit in the couch, he says that he can't wait to go grocery shopping with her (shoot for the stars with those fantasies, Grown Up Nerd) and she asks him what he'll buy and what other types of errands they will do together, which is like the conversational equivalent of worksheets that a substitute teacher gives a classroom of kids that she doesn't want to deal with. He then gives her a necklace as a gift.

The next day, Andi ponders her next move as you do: while walking around her lawn in paradise wearing a neglige and sweater.  She says that she knows what she has to do and as Neil Lane visits Josh to loan him an overpriced blood diamond, Andi knocks on Nick's door to drop him like a sack of heartbroken potatoes.  ABC shows us that it's Andi at Nick's door, then cuts back to the studio where former Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects weigh in on the relationship of two strangers.  Thankfully, we don't have to listen to them for long because soon we're back in paradise watching Nick go through the worst 20 minutes of his life. Andi says that she "woke up and didn't feel that something was right" (ya mean that you felt something was WRONG? There's a better way to put that, girl). They talk about feelings, say "like" a ton, and Nick asks, "Is this about somebody else?" which gave my Bachelor Finale party a good laugh.  Yeah Nick, it's somebody else and THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE (BACHELOR MANSION)! A storm erupts at just the right moment and we are given dramatic shots of Nick feeling depressed on his patio while Andi drives away in tears.

Back in the studio, Bachelor Nation is sitting in stunned silence. But they won't be silent for long because it's time for a PROPOSAL!

Cut back to paradise and the sun is shining! Andi's all dressed up in a beautiful off-white goddess dress with gorgeous beaded neckline and hair half up/half down (with fantastic volume at the crown--I bet her hair was dirty cause how else can you hold a style like that ESPECIALLY in tropical heat, ya know?). Josh arrives and Chris Harrison gives him good poker face, guiding him to the stage area where he will either weep tears of joy or heartbreak. But we all know how this is going to end--with Armpit Tats walking away with the girl. Josh approaches and launches in on the most formulaic confession of love I have ever heard. He manages to mention his "first love, baseball" in his flat monologue that any casting director would reject as too false. Then it's time for Ombre DA to be candid with her feelings and she dives in, telling Pretty Boy Kenny Powers that she has loved him from the start and that she wants to have babies with him. Josh then gets down on one knee and hands her the free ring that he scored off his buddy Neil.  Andi gives Josh the final rose and we all live happily ever after.

BUT WAIT, Nick is back in Milwaukee and he wants closure, dammit! He tries to contact Andi two times during the post-breakup but pre-finale period of a few months and she rejects his attempts at communication. Nick (looking a bit over-powdered and grey) gets in the hot seat and conducts himself like a class act, saying that he's not going to judge whether Andi made the wrong choice or not and that Josh is a nice guy (that's HELLA generous b/c Bachelor Nation knows it's not true).  Andi comes out in a white cocktail dress and she and Nick have an awkward conversation in which Grown Up Nerd just seems sad and heartbroken and Andi comes off as defensive and cold. Andi says that she wasn't in love with Nick, so she never told Nick that she loved him and she seems to forget that Bachelors and Bachelorettes aren't ALLOWED to confess love during the season, so her not saying "I love you" to Nick wasn't a viable indicator of anything (I'm a regular Blonde DA with those logic skills!).  She says that she dumped him in his hotel room out of respect for him, which I won't contest. At least she didn't make him get all dressed up and schlep out to a little stage for his dumping.

After a commercial for Bachelor in Paradise (STD Soul Train), it's time to watch the happy couple reunite on national TV!  Josh comes out, gets hella handsy with Andi, and says that they're not pregnant, but they're "trying" (and I didn't think that I could hate you more, guy). Chris Harrison playfully mocks Andi's frowny face and persistent use of the word "stooooooop" and brings out Grumpy Cat because D list celebrities love tie-ins with other hot topics in the cultural zeitgeist!

What did you think of the finale? Bachelor in Paradise starts next week and I'll be writing super short recaps for that one because I can't resist. I'm thinking bulleted lists. Who does't love a bulleted list!?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Ep 10: The Men Tell All (Plus an Ultrasound!)

On Monday night, The Bachelorette aired its “Men Tell All” episode, but in addition to men telling all there was a live ultrasound, a frank discussion of race relations, and appearances by a few Bach alums who just can’t seem to graduate from Bach U. 

The show kicked off with an appearance by JP and Ashley, the couple who are singlehandedly reminding Bachelor Nation that reality TV love CAN work out.  Ashley is wicked pregnant and they are moving to Miami because winter 2K13 into 14 was tough and, as Ashley says, “happy wife, happy life.”  They’re a super cute couple and they seem to get along great, but I felt like I was watching 2 people playing prescribed roles of Doormat Husband and Wife With a Real Mouth on Her.  Chris Harrison made a joke that JP and Ashley are moving to Miami to be closer to Juan Pablo and I hope that Johnny Pabs is ready to be the butt of every Bachelor joke for the rest of his clueless life.  Then, in a move that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDENTED, a medical technician shows up and administers an ultrasound on “live” TV.  Just when you thought that The Bachelor franchise couldn’t get more heteronormative, they pull this move!  What’s next, a Bachelor cremation? The audience is bizarrely invested in the sex of a baby made by two strangers and when they discover that it’s a boy, everyone is elated.  JP says that he’s excited to watch football with his son (since girls are allergic to football—it’s in their DNA).  

Chris Harrison throws us a promotion for the next move in the Bachelor franchise, Bachelor In Paradise (which will be launching in a few weeks and yes, I will be recapping but I might do shorter recaps—I can’t handle this much Bach).  Bachelor in Paradise promises to be filled with drama, craziness, tears, and end with AN INCIDENT that involves blood and handcuffs.  This aint your mammy’s hump house TV show!  

Finally, the rejects—err—guys—from this season of The Bachelorette are trotted out and true to form, everyone looks better than they did during the season (except for Cody—sorry, bro).  We’ve got Carl (firefighter), Brett (hairdresser who walked in with a lamp), Andrew (guy who came off as pretty damn sketchy), Patrick (dude who brought nothing to the table), Bradley (Opera Man), Ron (left abruptly after a few episodes), Craig (Overexcited Loser), Nick S. (golf pro who Andi straight up didn’t like and he treats her as though she’s somehow in the wrong for this opinion), Tasos (who was lucky or unlucky enough to have his rejection never go to air), JJ (Pantsapreneur who had some wicked red eye this episode), Marquel (all sweet smiles), Cody (who is a ball of muscles with a pair of ears attached), Dylan (who got a haircut and continues to rule), Brian (his BFF—New England buds for LIFE!), Marcus (who I never quite “got”), Chris (who I’d like to get).  

Marquel rocked a cookie pin and handed out cookies to the audience (WE GET IT, KID), Brian was in a suit but looked like his mom had dressed him up for the 7th grade semi-formal, and the guys debated the he said/he said storyline of whether Andrew made a comment about the “black guys” during a rose ceremony.  We watched a montage of the guys during which Andrew referred to JJ and friend as “meatheads in suits” which makes me wonder if he went to a college without a football team.  Is a self-described “Pantsapreneur” your idea of a “Meathead"?  If so, let me introduce you to the boys of Delta Upsilon sometime.  I once watched one of them fistfight a refrigerator when he was drunk—THAT is a meathead, my friend. 

The guys talked about the alleged incident in which Andrew leaned over to JJ and made a comment about the black guys and the producers played the footage of that exchange happening (Andrew wasn’t miced, though), then Marquel talked about his faith and manhood and the whole thing was a surprisingly adult, civil conversation.  Chris talked about how to handle things “as a man” and made it clear that he’s not a fan of JJ.  It seems like JJ is one of those guys who characterizes himself really easygoing an playful and fun, but is actually a shit stirrer.  

Marquel spent some time in the hot seat and admitted that he was unable to get out of the friend zone with Andi and that he didn’t realize that guys were kissing her.  Marcus chatted with Chris Harrison about his experience and admitted that he made a comment because he was hurt (admirable to admit that on TV), and Chris heard more about how much his farmer family friggin’ rules.  A random chick in an off white jumpsuit interrupted their conversation so that she could flirt with Chris and give him her digits, which was gutsy… but weird.  During Ketla (yes, that was her name) and Chris’s commercial break speed date, Dylan shouted, “YOLO!” which cracked me up. 

Finally, Andi came out in a sparkly, short dress and took some questions from the guys.  Two tone shirt Cody tells Andi that she never saw “the real Cody” which is a blessing for everyone involved, I think.  Chris Bukowski (who tried to crash the first cocktail party) again lets himself be a Bachelor punchline in order to promote Bachelor in Paradise.  Dude, get some pride, would ya? Chris Harrison shares the lie detector results which are that JJ, Brian, and Chris told no lies.  Josh told some lies (perhaps the question was, “Are you over your failed pro ball career?” and he said yes?), Marcus lied about his number (awkward), and Dylan lied about preferring brunettes to blondes.  Hell yeah, Dylan’s wicked smaaaat and he prefers BLONDES which is the CORRECT OPINION!  Might I recommend a beach read to you, sweet Massole Man?  Here's the trailer for said book:

The episode closed with a montage of Andi bloopers, then pieces about Josh and Nick.  Who will win Andi’s heart?  We’ll find out on Monday!  

Friday, July 18, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Ep 9: Bump 'N Grind in the DR

On Monday night, Andi and her final 3 suitors flew to the Dominican Republic for Fantasy Suite dates, also known as “get the milk for free one time to see if you want to accept a blood diamond from that cow.”  The montage of shots promoting that episode prompted me to wonder, in the history of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, has there ever been a white participant who can’t tan? Seriously—this thing looks like a Coppertone commercial. 

To kick off the episode, Andi sat down with America’s sweetheart, Chris Harrison, to talk about each of her suitors while we watched clips of their courtship.  She described Josh as “funny and endearing” (really? To me, those are antonyms for words that describe Pretty Boy Kenny Powers) but says that he is the type she has unsuccessfully dated in the past. She described Chris as a “grown man” and the “total package” but isn’t sure if she could handle farm life in Iowa.  Valid points.  Finally, she describes Nick as sweet and passionate and says that they have a “mental connection.”  

Date #1 goes to passionate Nick and he pops his helicopter cherry as they are whisked away to a private island. Andi and Nick frolic in the ocean while wearing matching light turquoise swimsuits (did you nerds coordinate that?) then sit down to discuss breakups. Nick awkwardly rambles, says “like” a lot, and admits that he was embarrassed when his ex-gf dumped him.  That night, they share dinner on the beach and Andi is dressed in a cute sundress while Nick’s fashion choices look like those of a 6th grader who wants to stand out from the crowd on the first day of school: red pants and a shirt that is grey and blue AND yellow.  My retinas were burned by his outfit (but then again, I live in NYC where I consider wearing a grey shirt to be “majorly lightening things up” from my usual black uniform).  Nick taps into his “childlike sense of wonder” (his corny phrasing, not mine) and shows Andi the book that he wrote about their journey together.  As a former Children’s Editor for Barnes & Noble corporate, let me say that this book needs a lot of work.  The artwork is subpar, the storyline is weird and unrelateable, and there are ZERO talking animals.  COME ON!  I guess we should be happy that Nick is using his free time to be creative instead of scoring room keys off unsuspecting hotel clerks.  He pulls Andi over to a tree where he says “I love you” and “you're it for me—when you know, you know” then they kiss LOUDLY.  (Also, I take issue with “when you know, you know” because I think there are a LOT of people who have thought that they simply “knew” and yet things didn’t work out. Who invited Debbie Downer to this recap?)  They retreat to the fantasy suite where presumably, they do this: 

Date #2 is Josh and his waxed eyebrows in Santa Domingo.  Josh is rocking a blue, plaid shirt and greets Andi with a cringe-worthy, “HOLA!” As usual, he’s grossly touchy-feely with Andi as they explore and shop in the town.  They stumble upon some live music and Josh starts dancing as my eyes bleed from how corny it is.  I thought that I disliked Josh because he wouldn’t shut up about a job he held five (or is it seven?) years ago, but now I dislike him because he is a HORRIBLE dancer.  Wow.  Why is he even TRYING?  Please stop.  Then they stumble upon a baseball diamond (of COURSE they do), where tykes are playing and they let Andi and Josh jump into their game.  Josh gets on the mound and it feels like watching Eastbound & Down, season 2 (in the Dominican Republic instead of Mexico, but nonetheless south of the border).  

Sweet armpit tats, bro
Post-baseball game, Andi and Josh chat about their journey and Josh finally says, “I DO love you” in a tone that sounds like he’s testifying in court.  How romantic!  That night they draw blood from a stone by talking about the difficult prejudgments of professional sports players (it must be SO hard to get paid to do exactly what you love and then be paid in $$ and BJs—I can’t even imagine).  As they walk to the fantasy suite, a display of fireworks go off (and you can practically hear the Bachelorette Producers saying, “GET IT? FIREWORKS? EXPLODING??”) which they enjoy, and then head to Humptown, USA—I mean, their suite.  

Date #3 is Chris and he is cruising in a Jeep that he leaves by the side of the road when he comes upon Andi rocking a gypsy/Coachella look.  Their activity is horse riding and Andi is extremely nervous, but Chris is in his element.  After a terrifying horse experience they sit down for lunch on a tree branch where Andi raves about Chris’s family.  They play a quick round of Ghosts in the Graveyard (cute… but a little bit much) and when Andi finds Chris, he scoops her up and carries her through the field (OK that’s hot).  That night, Andi is rocking a semi-dumpy white dress (but I guess you can’t ALWAYS be wearing your best outfit, right?) and Chris looks sharp in plaid (he seems to have emerged from a plaid cocoon, no?) and they talk about where they are in their shared journey.  Andi starts crying because she’s unsure about their progress and Chris is a complete sweetheart about it, saying that he simply wants to fall in love with her and that’s happening for him.  The tears are now FLOWING out of Andi and she’s switched into high pitched talk mode (I’ve been there, girl) as she tells Chris that she needs to cut him loose.  He handles it with aplomb that I haven’t seen since Desiree’s season when she dumped 1950’s Doo Wop-looking Drew and he said that Des didn’t need to apologize for not being in love with him.  Chris says goodbye to Andi and is whisked away from the DR, but not from our hearts (and if he is the next Bachelor, I might need to throw my hat in the ring).  

Andi and Chris Harrison have a sit down chat the next day and she explains that this is a 2 way street, so there will be a rose ceremony for the 2 remaining guys.  The guys show up (no jackets! Resort casual!) and line up, then are informed that they are the final two.  Andi holds a rose ceremony, giving Nick the first rose (EAT IT, JOSH!), then Josh the 2nd rose (WATCH YOUR BACK, NICK!).  I can only assume that sunglasses aren’t permitted on The Bach because that may have been the squintiest rose ceremony of all time.  

Next week is the men tell all, and you know who I’m excited to see: Boston’s greatest export and the guy who I am hoping will come out to my standup show at Laugh Boston on Tuesday, August 19th at 7:30pm--DYLAN! 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Ep 8: Give Me Back My Hometown

Yes, this recap is titled after an Eric Church song--deal with it!  (And get jealous because I'm seeing him in concert at Madison Square Garden this fall.  Selena's feeling like a spicy minx today!)

Monday night we experienced an episode that is always a crowd pleaser among Bachelor Nation: HOMETOWNS!  Andi criss-crossed the country, although perhaps "criss-crossing" is a bold term for making 2 stops in the midwest and 2 stops in the south.

Andi's first stop was Nick's hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin (more specifically the suburb of Waukesha, recently made famous as the site of the creepy teenage Slenderman stabbings! Way to be relevant and topical, Waukesha!). Before they met Nick's oversized family (as in 10 kids, not as in overweight--I'm not a jerk!) the couple had a very Laverne & Shirley day: they visited a brewery, danced the polka, and wore cheese hats.  That evening they had dinner with Nick's family and Andi tried and failed to explain the concept of "romantic connection" to Nick's kid sister. The family matriarch is a Tabatha Takes Over look alike named "mom" and Nick is very close to her.
There's mom aka Tabatha in the middle

The Real Tabatha is unimpressed (as always) 

Nick tells his mother that he thinks he's Andi's favorite and they both cry. As Andi drives away, Nick says that he doesn't think of her as The Bachelorette--he thinks of her as his girl. Aww Nick--I almost don't completely despise you anymore.

Then Andi heads to Chris's family farm in Arlington, Iowa (population 757 normals, 1 cornfed hottie farmer). Chris revealed his love for indistinctive, overstuffed furniture as he showed Andi around his house, then they rode in his tractor together before having a picnic among the severed corn stalks.  Andi claims to be "not as city as you think I am" and says that she loves hunting and the outdoors. Just then, a small plane flies overhead (and I was thinking, "Attack of the drones? Amazon delivery?") with a sign hanging behind it: CHRIS LOVES ANDI. Aww Chris---you're a good egg. That night Chris's family charms the pants off of Andi and Bachelor Nation with their kind hearts, blonde hair, and love of Ghosts in the Graveyard (seriously--that game is a classic).

Andi journeys from the nicest family in America in Iowa down to the Sporty Spice of families in Tampa, FL. Josh waits for Andi by the beach and claims to be very excited, but I'm still not buying it. They run around a baseball diamond and Josh says that he hasn't been at a ball field in 7 years (which is odd since he also claims to have quit his pro ball career 5 years ago, but hey--I'm not a mathematician--I'm just a hater). When Josh isn't name dropping his sports achievements he's name dropping the sports achievements of his younger brother and we soon learn that it's a family hobby! Over dinner the family fail to ask Andi and Josh any questions about their courtship but instead, discusses Aaron's recent games and draft prospects (and he sits at the head of the table). After football discussion over dinner, the family retires to the backyard for a game of touch football. Good Lord has any one of you picked up a book in the past decade? And NO, a football play book does NOT count!

The last stop on the Meeting Families and Soon Breaking Hearts Express is Dallas, TX where Marcus and his Mercedes are waiting for Andi.  Marcus drives her to a darkened club (very "Varsity Blues") where he re-enacts their stripping date sans alcohol (BAD IDEA).  There's nothing quite like watching a guy strip down and gyrate, then meeting his sweet, immigrant mother mere moments later. Marcus's sister has awesome hair, he and his brother share a heartfelt moment, and he says "I love you" to Andi.  A big night all around.

Then suddenly we're back in LA and Andi and The Boyz are summoned to what is supposedly Chris Harrison's house (but either he HATES person effects/table top decorations or that was a random house that was staged) to learn that Eric "Explorer" Hill died suddenly.  Marcus walks outside, Andi follows him, everyone looks stunned.  Then, Bachelor Nation gets a peek behind the curtain as the producers on site come out from behind the cameras to hug Andi and the gang.  We even caught a glimpse of the infamous Bachelor producer who got into a fake fight with a nonexistent woman for attention!  Yup, this guy! Andi regrets that her last conversation with Eric was so harsh and I feel for her. That's tough.

But this Love Train stops for no man--not even a deceased one--and it's time to make somebody cry. The four men line up (nice pink jacket, Nick--and if you can't tell that I'm kidding and I actually hate your pink jacket, then let me clarify: I hate your pink jacket but you are growing on me in a TINY way) and Andi arrives in a green dress that resembles a Chinese finger trap standing upright.

I'm just a Chinese finger trap standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me. 
Andi's still so emotional and just as she's about to start rejecting men on network television, she has a crisis of conscience because Explorer Eric used to stand in that same room waiting to be negged or loved by her. But Andi's a tough cookie (according to Chris's mom, who rules) and she pulls it together long enough to crush one man's heart.  Whose heart does she crush? Well, the roses are handed out like so...

-JOSH (does she truly want to spend every weekend of her life watching football games?)
-CHRIS (heck yeah--cool family, cool dude, good times)
-NICK (I wonder if his mom whips failing businesses into shape like her look alike? If so, Nick wins some points in my book.)

So sweet Marcus's heart is ripped out of his chest, just above his washboard abs.  He handles it gracefully, though. 

Up next are "fantasy suite dates" (aka 2 tickets to HUMP CITY and there's a carry on luggage fee of $25 and I hope that carry on is filled with condoms IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN) in the Dominican Republic. I can't wait to hear more about Josh's failed pro ball career!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 7: Mussels and Muscles in Brussels!

Last night Andi clipped the crew of dudes from 6 down to 4 and made me wonder, "what has she got against beefcakes who are most likely Irish Catholic?"  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The gang was in Brussels, Belgium and Andi had enough bulky ponchos for everyone, though most of the men favored lightweight scarves (WHY?) and Dylan rocked a tiny ponytail (which took some getting used to... but I can dig it... mostly because sweet Dyl Dyl wore it).  Chris Harrison greeted the half dozen hotties and had a big brother-style talk (the family relationship, not the TV show) about this, the week before hometown dates (or as Bach Nation calls them, "HOMETOWNS").  They learned that that this week's activities would include two 1:1 dates (no roses up for grabs) and a group date (with 1 rose on the table) and before we know it, Marcus (good abs, blah everything else) is off for a 1:1 date with Andi.

Andi and Marcus chow on chocolates, mussels, and a sundae, plus take a selfie.  When they are sharing mussels, Marcus talks about how he has been journaling about his feelings. I don't mean to sound like your elementary school gym teacher here ("quit being a pansy!") and it's totally cool to write stuff down and make sense of it, but the gerund form of the word journal gives me wicked dumb chills. What else gives me dumb chills? When Andi tells Marcus, "I'm glad you're a good eater!" Umm, are you on a date with a guy or a tiny baby?

That night, Marcus and Andi get dressed up and have dinner in a castle, where Marcus speaks openly about his family.  It gets a little heavy: his father walked out, his mother was abused and then abused Marcus and his siblings, there was some major abandonment there, but now it's all good. Andi then comforts Marcus with the best line out of Good Will Hunting:

As Marcus explains that he and his mother have a fantastic relationship now, Andi switches from Good Will Hunting to Oprah as she asks when he had his "aha moment" with her. Enough pop psychology, Ombre DA! Andi and Marcus make out on the street and his chances of scoring a hometown date are looking good. Hey, I guess those killer abs are worth something.

That night, smug weirdo Nick is in the hotel suite and he's having a really hard time hearing about Marcus's date with Andi, you guys.  It's really hard FOR HIM to deal with this (cause it isn't for ever other guy there, dude?), so he sneaks off to see Andi.  I guess that's cool and all is fair in love and war...but I just can't dig this guy.  Nick walks to the front desk (camera crew in tow!) where he lies and says that Andi Dorfman is his wife and he forgot what room they are staying in, plus he needs a key.  Security at that Brussels hotel is sketchier than Josh's claims that he has nothing to hide, so the front desk clerk promptly hands him a key to room 207.  This romance is TERRIFYING! He shows up at her door, they go for a walk, Nick fidgets like a drug addict, and they make out against a tree.  Andi says that she and Nick have a passionate relationship that is "so hot."

Back in the suite, a ponytailed Dylan (who strangely resembles John Belushi's Samurai character with that tiny pony) asks the guys, "are you girls ready?" (OMG kid is hilarious and so friggin' Mass), then reads the next date card and the lucky guy is Josh (aka Pretty Boy Kenny Powers).

Josh and Andi explore Gent, Belgium and Josh can't keep his filthy paws off her, which she mistakes for genuine love from him. They stumble upon a clown marching band who are parading ducks through town and Josh pretends to find it hilarious and whimsical, but you can tell he's choking back a cry of "NEEEEERDS!" They eat lunch outside and while stone faced, Josh insists that he has feelings for her. I almost expected him to follow up with, "wait--that's my line, right?"  That night, Andi breaks out leather pants (casual rocker look--mama likes!) and Josh says, "it's not a 'too good to be true' thing" and he's referring to himself. His humility is inspiring.  Later, poker face Josh says that he's falling in love with Andi, but I don't believe it at all.  Andi is elated, saying, "this is real" but girl, this is about as real as the GUCCI purse that I bought on the street in Venice during study abroad.  Then we hear string music coming from outside the castle and as they walk through a stone doorway, Josh pulls Andi in for a kiss and they make out hard while lit from behind and seemingly standing in front of a fog machine. Is this The Bachelorette or an 80s music video?  They walk down to a performance by American Young (who?) who are singing, "sometimes love is war" which feels apt since Josh's "love" is a lot like the Iraq War: lead by an arrogant southerner and founded on lies. Aww snap Selena just got political!  More info here, if you are interested.  Josh and Andi dance on a platform and Josh claims that he's excited, but it has nothing to do with Andi--he just loves flashing his so-white-they're-almost-blue teeth and waxed eyebrows at America.

The next day is a group date for Dylan (rad!), Brian (nice!), Chris (hubba hubba!) and Nick (blech).  Nick is THRILLED that this is the final group date (he says this and the other guys just stare at him-HA!) but will he be thrilled to discover that the date is crawling on ruins then eating cheese cubes on sacred ground (at a working monastery) where they can't kiss? Maybe he will, maybe he won't, either way he'll be weird. Chris and Andi secret off a pottery studio that Andi calls a "pottery barn" (super subtle product placement?) where they re-enact Ghost and friggin' KISS! Is the pottery barn not sacred ground? Who usually makes out in that room? Monks? Is that room ever used for pottery, or only for make outs?

Andi sits down with the crew and informs them that 1 lucky guy will get a rose on this date and he will stay on for dinner while the other 3 losers drive home like a clown car full of rejects. The guys freak out and pull out all the stops: Dylan says that his family is excited to meet Andi, Brian says that he's falling in love, Nick says that he knew there was a catch and "I hate being right." Oh really? I feel like you love it, smug prick.

Finally, the cheese cubes are eaten, the sun has set, and it's rose-giving time.  Andi says that she wants the honor of meeting this guy's family and the guy is Nick.  Oh Andi, in the wise words of Sean Lowe's sister during his season, DO NOT pick the contestant who everybody else in the house hates.  Let me remind you of some of Nick's company in that role:

Courtney, whose catchphrase was stolen
 from Charlie Sheen: WINNING.
Nikki, whose roots were the thing to watch
 during her season.

This mountain man psychopath who was on
Ashley's season--they found him living under a tree stump. 
Vienna, a girl named after a city that no one in her family has ever visited.
The guys who are actually hot strut away and Brian calls it "a kick between the teeth" but I suspect he means a kick in the teeth (who has small enough feet or a big enough gap between teeth for Brian's phrase?).  Nick and Andi flutter about their impending Milwaukee trip and I'll give Nick a single compliment: I like that he intimidates Josh.  Le fin.

The my DVR skipped ahead and I missed the dude fight back at the suite. WHY!? I hate technology! The episode picked up at a key moment, though: Just as Andi (dressed in a ball gown last seen on DYNASTY) arrived at a mansion to send 2 weepy hotties back to Small Town, USA.  But before she could start throwing elbows, Andi made out with Chris ("you go, farmer" -Andi), Nick interrupted Brian's 1:1 time (even though he already had a rose! As my pal Mara Herron would say, SIT DOWN (and I mean that metaphorically, not literally and YES I will use double parens here!)), Dylan tried unsuccessfully to be emotionally vulnerable, and Josh acted obnoxious.

Finally, Andi lined up the dudes and then started in on a monologue that reminded me a lot of America's Next Top Model ("Six hotties stand before me--I'm sorry--5 hotties and a Smug Recovered Nerd Named Nick stand before me...") then she started handing out the roses.  Nick already had one, but who else scored a hometown date?
-Josh (aka Less Jacked Gaston)
-Marcus (Get ready to talk abandonment, Andi!)
-Chris (farmer man seemed shocked).

So Brian and Dylan, two wholesome guy's guys from the northeast were sent packing.  They both hugged Andi goodbye and told her that she deserves the best, which made me love them both even MORE since that's what my ex-boyfriend Ryan (the handsome redneck who drove a truck with a lift and used to play pro hockey... it's like a recipe for hotness...) said to me when we broke up. Andi cries and Dylan says, "I definitely deserve to fall in love again." Yes you do, handsome Masshole! It's NOT YOUR FAULT!

Next week are hometown dates but a more important issue is at hand: who can introduce me to Dylan?

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 6: Andi Drops The Dead Weight

My recap is days and days late, dear reader.  My apologies.  I watched The Bachelorette when I was in LA this week then the next morning I hopped a flight back to NYC and I've been running around like a kookoo bird ever since.  My apologies.  Next week I'll be quicker, I promise! 

This week, The Bachelorette was like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves except Andi is pretty tan and there were 8 remaining suitors.  But pretty close!  And when Cody isn't busy doing his best impression of Macklemore on Roids, he'd probably make a good Doc.  The crew was in beautiful Venice, the city where I was once pulled aside on public transportation (a boat) and brought to the captain's quarters so that 3 handsome Italian men could stare at me and exclaim "Bella! Belissima!" as I stood there awkwardly. (The situation sounds like a creepy humblebrag, I know, but Italian men just have a way of being sexy and non-creepy and it's a straight-up BRAG!)  

Andi snaps up Nick for the first 1:1 date (sorry, Cody!) and they hop in a gondola that is adorned with a plaque that says "don't fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, but with the woman who  makes the world more beautiful" which Nick calls "apropos."  Not to sound like a shit stirring member of the MAURY audience, but did he just call Andi ugly? Are you going to let him disrespect you like that, girl? [takes off hoop earrings, removes shoes] Andi confronts Nick about how many of the guys hate him (turn off), saying that she doesn't find it attractive for someone to have enemies that easily.  Amen, girl! Also, dude kinda suxxx.  

That night Andi & Nick get decked out in their black tie best, rock some creepy Venetian style masks, and make out in front of a trio of musicians.  They have undeniable chemistry and Andi says that when she's with him, she feels like she's either "in a dream or on another planet" because space travel comments are hella romantic. Ya know who is interested in planets? Townie Martian.  Nick scores a rose.  

The next day, Andi receives yet another note from her "secret admirer" and I'm hoping that he turns out to be Chris Harrison.  Wouldn't that be UNPRECEDENTED!? 

It's group date time and Josh (former baseball player who needs to Let It Go), Brian (a man made of corned beef), Dylan (the greatest guy in the world, despite the pink shorts he wore earlier in the episode.  Little Dyl Dyl can do no wrong!), Marcus (snooze), JJ (pantsapreneur wackadoo), and Chris (cornbred hottie) are going to take lie detector tests administered by a guy who barely speaks English! (Kinda reminds me of this.)  Andi goes first, Dylan admits that he doesn't wash his hands post-bathroom (that's cool with me, lover), and Josh is very vocal about how much he HATES taking a lie detector test despite YET he has NOTHING to hide.  Dylan leaves the date (sick from E. coli?) and doesn't attend the cocktail party that night. Brian acts super cute and fun, Josh remains super sketchy, and Marcus tells Andi that he's in love with her.  Chris admits that he's the secret admirer then he scores a rose (which upsets Josh greatly, despite the fact that he's a STANDUP guy who has NO skeletons in his closet, you guys!).  JJ kvetches about the odd dynamic of guys congratulating other guys for making progress with Andi and Chris says, "you do you--let him do him" which is genius advice (and sounds like dialogue from an episode of Living Single).  

The next day, Cody (aka Giant Albino Gorilla Baby, according to my pal Lauren) finally gets a 1:1 date with Andi, but all of Bachelor Nation knows that it's too little too late, in the immortal words of a 12 year old Masshole.  Andi and Cody explore Verona (of Romeo & Juliet fame), then visit the Club Di Giuliette, a place where lovelorn idiots send letters asking for advice from a dead fictional character who needlessly killed herself for her teen boyfriend.  Let me guess the "advice" that these faux Juliets dole out: chug some poison then chill in a deathlike coma for 42 hours! Cody tries to relate to the letters, then over dinner he reads Andi a letter that he wrote all by himself.  She pumps the brakes, starts crying, and explains that she's just not that into him. Ouch. Macklemore on Roids bounces.  

The next night is the rose ceremony and there's side boob, Chris saying that Nick made a "jackass move" (truth), bad poetry, and Josh now claiming that lie detector tests are "SO FUN!"  Nick and Chris have roses, but the rest of the boys line up and the lucky rose recipients are...
-Dylan (heck yeah! Top dog despite being sick as a dog! DOGS!) 
-Brian (you know he loved House of Pain during high school) 
-Marcus (I find him so uninteresting that I can't be bothered to craft a witty barb)
-Josh (I pray that she drops him before hometowns) 

So JJ, our intrepid pantsapreneur is heaving home.  That's a real kick in the pants, huh? (I RULE!)  He leaves gracefully and says that it "hurts for your heart to be wrong" which is a good call.  Up next, Andi and the 6 guys head to Belgium! 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 5: Miming in Marseille

After suffering through the withdrawal symptoms of life sans Bachelorette for 2 weeks (shakes, night sweats, pondering what "the right reasons" are to willingly make out in front of TV cameras), last night ABC gave us a fix in the form of Andi and her 11 remaining suitors in Marseille, France.  Marseille is a quaint city known for its waterfront, cobblestone streets,  and ability to make American men get into arguments.  It was like Fight Club last night, if the first rule of Fight Club were "one person must debate another person and that person #2 must seem wholly uninterested." EXCITING! 

Andi and her leather skirt (not doing anyone any favors) have a quick chat with Chris Harrison and his turtleneck (trying to go for a French look, no?) during which Chris asks Andi if she's in love.  She responds with her signature line, 

Oh, but we just getting STARTED! 

Jason (former pro baseball player who apparently hasn't done anything since retiring from the Myrtle Beach Mermen) gets his first one-on-one and guy is touchy-feely like he's a 12 year old boy on his first PG-13 movie date.  Andi and Jason walk around Marseille then board a boat (cue signature Bachelor boast music!) where they snuggle, canoodle, and talk about the most important thing in Jason's life: his failed pro ball career. The boat takes them to The Calanques, a mountainous island, where they disembark for cocktails and more flirting.  They talk about traveling but somehow the conversation ends up back on his pro ball career.  Jason sure loves talking about a job that he held from ages 17-22.  To adopt Jason's style, let me regale you, dear readers, with stories of my summer temp jobs—those faxes weren't about to send themselves!  I got paper cuts all the time!  I had to wear pantyhose in the summertime and everybody knows that nobody wears pantyhose anymore! 

That night Andi and Pretty Boy Kenny Powers clean up and eat dinner at Palais Longchamp (named after the bland bag that is somehow fashionable, I'm sure).  
Hi! I'm boring! 

Over "dinner" (wine) they discuss infidelity, exes, and the repercussions of his pro ball career.  After that, Jason and Andi get a private concert from Ben Fields who is apparently a musician and yet not Ben Folds (Five?). Where DO they find these people?  I don't mean to judge Jason based on his good looks and waxed eyebrows, but umm…. F off, pretty boy ball player.  Jason scores a rose.  

Meanwhile, back the house, JJ (Pantsapreneur), Nick (slow burn front runner who has gotten a bit smug), Marquel (playful hottie), and Brian (coach who is always in coach mode) talk about Andrew (black sheep of the season for scoring a hostess's digits and generally being a snake) and JJ says that in the first rose ceremony, Andrew referred to Marquel and Ron (the two black guys in the contest) as "blackies."  Ooof. That's super messed up, but I hope that JJ heard that correctly because that's a pretty bold assertion. Marquel  talks about how he feels and we have a pretty unprecedented moment for The Bach franchise: This show, which has been widely derided for its lack of diversity gives the lone remaining black suitor a soap box to talk about how it feels.  It was an intriguingly real and candid moment for a TV program that is mostly fluff.  

But before we solve racial bias on The Bachelorette, it's time for some WHITEFACE because the group date activity is MIMING! Is there anything more stereotypically French than that?  What's the next group date, bicycling around the countryside while toting baguettes, smoking Gauloises, and rolling over to German invasion real quick?  A mime teacher (the only one in whiteface) instructs the gang about the ins and outs of miming, they suit up (stripes and suspenders!), and then they take their exaggerated moves to the street. Cody (Macklemore on Roids) makes a miming/Snoop Dogg joke, Marquel makes a baby cry, Nick sulks, JJ acts weird, and people of France hate the entire display (of COURSE they do).  I haven't seen a Bachelorette activity as corny as miming since the time when Emily and Jef put on a marionette show (and yes, everything about that sentence is sad. I'm like a Bach Encyclopedia over here.)

That night at the cocktail party Cody tells Nick that he's smug and arrogant (truth) and Nick acts as such.  Andi can feel the tension through her turtleneck and sparkly, white miniskirt and she discusses the house dynamics with a few men.  Chris and Cody are the 2 nicest guys in the house and they tell Andi that Nick's a bit of a prick, which must mean that he's a real jerk.  Andi confronts Nick and he owns up to being mean spirited (RED FLAG) then reads her a poem that he probably bought off a 6th grade boy with its repetitive structure and juvenile tone. Nonetheless, Andi kisses him and teases him for "causing a ruckus in my mind." Huh/blech.  

Marquel calmly confronts Andrew about Blackie-gate and Andrew denies everything, saying that he would never say such a thing and he's being set up. JJ sits there and doesn't admit that he's the one who shared this information, then later he gets a rose because the rewards system on The Bachelorette is illogical and crazy!  Nick feels defeated and looks sad, which is a look that I love to see on a previously smug face. 

Finally it's Brian's turn to get a one-on-one and their date is dinner and a movie, which Brian says is his favorite thing (and I believe him).  They watch The 100 Foot Journey and we watch them watch it, so we are in effect watching a commercial for this flick (in addition to the multiple actual commercials for this flick).  We get beaten down with metaphors about food, love, and memories as we watch Andi and Brian grocery shop after the film.  They head to her apartment where they cook and Brian stiffens up because he doesn't know how to cook.  The Bachelorette producers must have been hard up for drama (was 2 arguments not enough in this episode?) because they craft Brian's kitchen cluelessness as a major plot point and insinuate that Andi might eliminate him because he can't cook.  They sit down to eat the frogs' legs that Andi cooked and the food is awful, so they go out to dinner. Holy romantic comedy trope!  At dinner, Brian admits that he was feeling self-conscious and not confident, but he regains his swagger over beer and leads Andi into an industrial kitchen for a hot make out.  Not so scared of kitchens anymore, are ya,  Coach?  Brian scores a rose.   

The next night it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time, but Andi vetoes the cocktail party.  She's rocking a seriously textured fishtail braid with some great volume and she's made up her mind.  Chris Harrison informs the posse that Andi will be sending 3 guys home and there will be no cocktail party.  Patrick refers to this as "devastating news" but it's probably most devastating to HIM, since all I know about him as of now is that he has slicked back hair and thinks that miming is hard.  

The boys line up for the elimination ceremony—I mean, rose ceremony—and Josh, JJ, and Brian already have roses from their respective dates.  Who is safe this week? 

-Marcus (he's nerdy but has great abs, which brings him back to zero) 
-Nick (Who can resist a smug guy who writes bad poetry? EVERYBODY except Andi?)
-Chris (I adore the Iowa farmer and yes, I think his tractor's sexy
-Dylan (You know it! He's handsome, easygoing, friendly, charming, and I'd like to see him in swim trunks a lil bit more please) 
-Cody (Macklemore on Roids lives to see another week! I'm just as shocked as he is!) 

So who is "hopping on a plane back to the U.S.A. that night" according to Chris Harrison (though we know the truth—those poor rejects will be stuck in a hotel killing time for another week or two at least)?  
-Andrew (snake in the grass slithers off. Who will the remaining guys hate on NOW?) 
-Marquel (super handsome, fun guy but he and Andi didn't seem to have a romantic spark) 
-Patrick (about as interesting as a vanilla ice cream cone on a cold day)

Next week our crew of 8 guys and Andi travel to Venice where they encounter boats, lie detectors, and tears!