Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 9: Luca Brazi Sleeps with the Fishes and Chase Kisses Them

Last week we were left with a cliffhanger (Will she send home Luke? But he said “I love you”? Is that enough? Who made her amazing dress?) and this week ABC picked up right where it left us—with Jojo ready to hand out some roses in an airplane hangar.  The order was…
-Jordan (looking good in a dark suit)
-Robby (in a 3 piece suit, still looking crispy)
and finally the moment of truth….
-Chase (looking pretty hot, but still feeling a lil like dead weight).
So despite his Hail Mary “I love you” pass, Luke is still heading back to his Texas ranch solo. I think that Luke was the best guy there—handsome, earnest, genuine, sexy—and I’m HOPING that he becomes the next Bachelor because Bachelor Nation would LOVE IT! 

But first, Luke’s heartbreak.  He is STUNNED and dazed as he and Jojo walk outside to say goodbye.  I’m a little shocked that Jojo didn’t drop him moments before, back when they were outside together, ya know? Sure, he suddenly dropped the L bomb, but her mind was made up already, it seems. Jojo tells Luke that she cares about him a lot and that their relationship progressed, but she never quite knew where she stood with him, which I don’t quite believe. I think that either you’re into a person of you aren’t, and trotting out specific reasons for why it didn’t work is just hurtful because it passively blames the other person. Luke lead you down a candlelit path to a heart made of flower petals and you claim that you didn’t know where you stood? HUH?  I aint buying what you’re selling.

Luke whispers “I’m sorry,” hops in a limo and says that he feels like he just got hit by a train. Speaking of trains, on Sunday night I saw Guns N Roses in concert (Axl, Slash, Duff and a few others—no Steven or Izzy, sadly) and they played their hit song Nighttrain, so here’s that video and a message of good luck to hottie Luke.


Jojo can’t wander around the airplane hangar in tears all night, though—she’s gotta hop a flight to Thailand to hump some hotties!  That’s correct, readers, after only a few minutes of Monday night’s episode we were down to Jojo and 3 Boys, which means FANTASY SUITE TIME!!  Dava Krause and I have a Bachelorette/Bachelor podcast called The Fantasy Suite, so we were LOVING last night’s episode. You can listen to us gab here and yes, the latest episode is live!! We rule! 

https://soundcloud.com/thefantasysuite

Robby gets the first Fantasy Suite date and he rolls up in a weird motorcycle sidecar thing. Consistent as ever, he’s tannish/reddish, his hair is too high, and he’s wearing a button down. Jojo wears a patterned romper and today’s plan is to explore a “crazy market” but Mother Nature has other plans.  A downpour hits so the couple must make out and talk as two Thai women give them foot massages.  Holy white, westerner guilt, Batman! Robby proceeds to remind Jojo MULTIPLE TIMES that he has told her he loves her—what a non-pushy, low key, natural way to behave! I’m also not buying what YOU are selling, Robby. 

That night Jojo rocks a filmy, red cocktail dress with a thigh slit and Robby a pair of white pants (respect), grey shirt, and dark blue jacket as they talk about trust, saying “I love you,” exes, and such. As if presenting a court case, Robby pulls out an Exhibit to PROVE just how much he MUST love Jojo: A note from his father saying that Pops thinks that Robby loves Jojo. WELL THERE YOU HAVE IT!  TA DA! If the jury can’t see how much Robby loves Jojo, then I declare this whole thing a mistrial!! Wait, what?  Robby, stop pushing so damn hard to prove your love—if you REALLY loved her, you wouldn’t need to work so damn hard to prove it. Joelle (as he calls her—he really KNOWS her, you see?) and Robby head to the Fantasy Suite to test drive before they buy (too much?). The next morning they share breakfast in bed and Jojo remarks that it’s their first breakfast together (a line she’ll recycle the next morning with Jordan, too) to which Robby responds, “I told you—glimpse of the future.”  Ya know what ISN’T cute? Romantically saying “I told you so” to your partner. 

Now it’s Jordan’s turn to woo our intrepid Bachelorette and he arrives by boat, hopping off to jog through the water in his white V neck shirt and shorts (no shoes). A backpack and shoes appear out of nowhere and they start in on a hike, with Jojo dressed like an extra from The Craft in black cut offs, a black belly top, shirt around her waist. Crank up some Pearl Jam cause it feels like I’m living in 1994!! They hike, sweat, and cuddle as they make their way up a mountain then down into a temple within a cave. Jojo puts on the shirt to cover her shoulders and she and Jordan aren’t allowed to kiss inside the temple.  They sit on a blanket and talk about checking boxes (that Jordan, such a romantic!), family, and whether Jordan is “ready to commit to a future that means forever.” Joelle (can I call you that?), if you’re feeling THIS INSECURE THIS EARLY, then trust your gut and DO NOT end up with Jordan.  Granted, Robby is Satan and not a better option, but your instincts with Jordan are worrisome but probably correct. 

That night Jojo and Jordy sweat through “dinner” (Jojo in white separates, Jordan in a grey jacket and shit eating grin) as Jojo tells him that she’s scared that he’ll break her heart and he doesn’t do much to appease her. Jojo asks Jordan what the next year looks like and Jordan responds, “Tough question—I don’t know” which isn’t the answer that ANY girl wants to hear. You don’t know? How about we talk about Dallas vs. Nashville? How about we talk job stuff? Family stuff? Jojo handles his crap response with grace, saying that THAT makes her nervous and that she worries that he’ll make a decision right now and renege on that decision in six months. Jojo, girl, it sounds like the universe is SCREAMING AT YOU to walk away from this one.  The couple both admit that it’s hard to know when it’s real, when you’re in love, when it’s THE ONE and I just wanted to crank up Whitney Houston’s masterwork because yeah, how will I know?????


Jordan reads the Fantasy Suite date card and responds, “OK fine” which is a joke, but not an especially thoughtful one given Jojo’s insecurities about him.  Either way, they disappear to the fantasy suite, sip champagne, make out on camera, and then hit the lights.  Again, we are given footage of them the next morning and again, Jojo exclaims “this is our first breakfast together!” Jordan says that the fantasy suite time was “exactly everything I needed” and that they went in “a really important direction” (the direction of THE BEDROOM wink wink wink) then Jojo dons a casual camouflage dress (awesome) and heads off. 

The final Fantasy Suite date is with Chase and Jojo’s date outfit is my favorite of the episode—white daisy dukes, a white bikini top (my favorite thing in the world), and a flowy pink blouse. Chase rolls up on a scooter that he can hardly drive and before we know it, he’s holding a dead fish suspended over his mouth and being hit with fish spit—HOT STUFF!

The moment when Chase cheated on Jojo RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER FACE

They cruise around on a boat, snuggle, make out, and then have a picnic on the beach. Just before their picnic, Chase spits out an assortment of seemingly random words: sex appeal, unstoppable, feel, touch, fishermen, monkeys, fish—what is going on here!?  The pair strips down and runs into the water where Jojo straddles Chase and they make out hard.

Later that day when Jojo is back at her hotel room getting ready, Robby surprises her with a visit and tells her “I’m ready for us, I’m ready to get down on 1 knee, I’m ready for a family, country clubs and coloring books.”  COUNTRY CLUBS AND COLORING BOOKS! Huh?  Doe he mean that he’s ready to have kids with Jojo and mostly ignore them while the Country Club staff supervise the tykes so he and Jojo can sip strong Gin and Tonics poolside?  Sure sounds like it!  Jojo is friendly, but tells Robby that she’s ON a date right now and she needs to get back to the OTHER white dude who is toned and tan and she’s going to make out with. Byyyyye.

That night Jojo sports a cute blue jumper with shoulder cut outs, fuscia lip, and flowy hair as Chase says that he has fought harder than Jordan and Robby (perhaps true, but not really “fought harder” so much as, didn’t do much early on then managed to stick around somehow) and that he wants to be her man.  They head to the Fantasy Suite where Chase reveals that he’s “100% in love” with Jojo and she responds by saying “I’m glad to hear that, thank you” then leaves the room. Yikes!! Jojo explains that she’s not quite feeling the way she thought she would feel, so she goes back into the Fantasy Suite and says, “I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you” then sends him home, so as to avoid a night INSIDE the Fantasy Suite with him, which would make it ultimately harder. Good call, girl. If you’re not feeling it, don’t take that next step and make things more intense.  Jojo is weeping and Chase asks what she was missing and snaps that she didn’t even give it a chance, but dude, she’s just not that into you. You don’t need to “crack this case” because there isn’t a case to be cracked—she likes 2 other dudes more. Sayonara, or however you say goodbye in Thai.  Chase walks off (and is briefly chased down by Jojo, but girl, let him GO and cry in private), cracks a beer, and hops in a van that he dejectedly calls his fantasy suite. 

So now Jojo has narrowed it down to two men: One tanned, toned guy whose life up to this point revolved around sports and whose ex-girlfriend says he’s a louse and ANOTHER tanned, toned guy whose life up to this point revolved around sports and whose ex-girlfriend says he’s a louse. What an assortment!!  Robby and Jordan even arrive to the rose ceremony looking like friggin’ twins in their blue button downs (bad choice—pit stain city, BOYS!) and light pants.

They are practically interchangeable, are they not?
Jojo rolls up in a flowy, army green dress (which I LOVE because I love all fashion things that are army based), greets Chris Harrison (remember him?), then takes her spot and begins to tell Jordan and Robby of Chase’s departure, when who should walk in, but CHASE HIMSELF! Wah!? Oh man the producers are creating DRAMA this season and I admire their commitment to timing (was Chase hiding in a damn bush outside?) but it’s pretty forced.  Chase asks Jojo for a moment, then proceeds to apologize for how he acted the day before (solid move) and say that he’s very impressed by Jojo, he’s not angry, he still has lover for her, and that if things change down the road (you mean like a broken engagement? I’d bet my mortgage on it, if I had a mortgage), that his heart is still open for her.  It was a gentlemanly move and a good way for Chase to look good in front of Bachelor Nation (vying for that next Bachelor slot against Luke!). 

Jojo is relieved to hear all of this, sheds a few tears, then goes back to hand out roses (completely unnecessary, but whatever) to Jordan THEN Robby (why must there be an order? Couldn’t she just be like, “you both get roses!” and then they walk up at the same time?). How about a dose of socialism in the Bachelor franchise, huh? 

Jojo proposes a toast as the guys sweat through their button downs and Chris Harrison’s voice over tells us that Tuesday night will be Men Tell All, then next Monday will be the return of Jojo’s mom (get your wine bottles ready!) and the rest of her family in the finale.  Sadly, I can’t watch the Men Tell All live tonight (I have 2 shows), but I will watch and recap later this week.

What do you think of her final 2 picks? Were you heartbroken when Luke was sent home? Chase? Who do you think sucks less—Robby or Jordan?  I’m Team Jordan, but with a lot of apprehension.  It’s not that I like Jordan as much as it’s that I hate Robby. #NeverRobby    

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 8: I AM VERY LATE & SORRY, PALZ!

LOVEBUGS!

This recap is extremely late because I have been on vacation (in Milwaukee and Chicago) so I watched Monday night’s episode on Tuesday (in my hotel room on Hulu, like a futuristic humanoid from the future) and jotted some bullet points, but I’m writing this out while I wait for my flight out of O’Hare because I got here 3 hours early like a complete psychopath.  NOT THE POINT, SELENA. 

We have MUCH to discuss and let’s start with the crucial issues—NO ONE WAS SENT HOME ON MONDAY!! CLIFFHANGER!! WTF??? LIFE IS CRAZY! THE BACHELORETTE DOES WHAT THE BACHELORETTE WANTS!!!  JOJO BEING JOJO!!

But seriously, no elimination—what is this, every other non-competitive reality TV show?  COME ON! I didn’t get into this racket to feel warm & fuzzy and watch a Full House rerun. I want TEARS out of the eyes of BABES (and by babes, I mean HOTTIES who will go on to such gigs as Guest DJ at failing Vegas nightclubs). 

But let’s start at the beginning.  Monday night was the night of hometown dates and a reminder that anyone who goes on the show is required to have parents who still live in their childhood home and that childhood home MUST be a McMansion that West Elm threw up in. 

Jojo’s first stop was Highlands Ranch, Colorado where Chase and his SHATTERED family live.  Jojo meets Chase’s estranged father and Pops basically admits that he wasn’t there for Chase and his sister, but now he’s remarried and doing it right THIS TIME. I’m sure Chase is glad that SOMEONE is being fathered (only kidding—Chase seems forever hurt by his absentee father’s actions, but whatevzzzz).  In a 1:1 conversation, Absentee Daddy asks Chase if this is what he expected and Chase’s response is, “no…. but look where I am!” Huh? Chase seems to get his flat affect from his dad. 

That evening Jojo and Chase have dinner with his mother, stepfather, sister, sister’s husband & their baby. Throughout this visit, Chase’s family makes it sound like children who were raised in a divorced home are absolutely RUINED and damaged goods, which obviously isn’t true.  My random thoughts: Chase looks NOTHING like his sister, Chase’s mom is great at collecting data (“Jojo loves dogs, hates fish, and has a great laugh”), and the language they use about Chase potentially marrying Jojo is bizarrely vague (“I think that my wife is here tonight”). Just before her car pulls away, Chase tells Jojo that he thinks he’s falling in love with her. 

Chico, CA is the next stop, where Jojo meets Jordan’s “family” (MINUS THAT ONE GUY—COUGH COUGH—RYMES WITH TEARIN’) and EVERY staff member of his former high school.

Teenage Jordan (with me and Heidi in the reflection)
Jordan talks a LOT about Jordan, they roam the hallways and make out HARD in the library, then head to the Rodgers estate (complete with fountain!) for family dinner. 

Jojo meets Jordan’s parents Ed and Darla (who seem lovely, but wow his mom speaks in a whisper and his dad interestingly says very little except for “fame can change you”), Jordan’s older brother Luke, and Luke’s girlfriend whose hair is a goddamn sideswept cascade of blonde dreams!
She is a blonde dream and Luke is definitely punching above his weight. 
They have a standard family visit and as she’s departing, Jojo reveals to Jordan that she’s afraid he will change his mind, which is a worrisome thing to think of a potential mate.  Time will tell!

From there, Jojo heads to St. Augustine, Florida where Robby’s giant family lives and Robby greets Jojo in a white T-shirt and coral button down shirt with only a single button buttoned. WTF is this about? Did that hometown visit take place in 1992? Seriously Robby, get it together. My friend Heidi (who I was vacationing with and who was watching along with me at Public Chicago, a fantastic hotel despite a leaky sink) and I were HATING ON Robby hard and honestly, this guy is just bad news. He has NO redeeming qualities and, as I have mentioned previously, always looks like his skin will be hot to the touch from a sunburn. Over drinks on the water, Jojo asks Robby if he’s TRULY over his last relationship and he trots out empty platitude after empty platitude, claiming that he hasn’t thought about it at all (not hard to do when you’re thrown into a completely foreign lifestyle for months) and that Jojo is everything. As they approach his parents McMansion, Robby proclaims that “emotions are going to be flying” which makes zero sense, but I would expect nothing else from a guy who buttons the bottom button of his damn shirt.

Jojo meets Robby’s mom, dad (COACH A!!!!), 2 brothers, and 2 sisters and they all seem great, which is surprising when contrasted with him.  Robby tells his brothers that he hasn’t slept a wink and has had MANY panic attacks, which I absolutely don’t believe. Then Robby’s mother pulls him aside to warn him that his ex-girlfriend’s roommate (ALEX!) has been telling people (tabloids, so, LOTS of people) that Robby dumped his ex to come on the show and Robby is stunned and upset, which was fun to watch since we’ve all been reading these tabloid rumors the whole time!  US Weekly is my Bible! Stars ARE just like us! The remainder of the conversation plays out like a convo between 2 people who are VERY aware that they are being taped and this will definitely end up in the Hometown episode.  Robby runs from chatting with his mother and disrupts Jojo’s hang time with the 2 sisters (ladies love WINE!) to talk to her about these “false accusations.” Robby resembles an overcooked ham as he assures Jojo that his relationship with Hope was dead in the water LONG before it ended (aha so you’re bad at communicating AND confrontation—good to know!), ending his explanation with “we had a blow up fight and she slapped me.” By how he said that sentence, you could tell that he was expecting “The Slap” to be a BOMBSHELL, but it wasn’t. HA! Sorry, Tanny McTannersteen!  Jojo don’t care!  It begins raining outside (OMINOUS) as Robby and Jojo say their goodbyes and then Robby dramatically throws down his umbrella and stands in the rain (still wearing that damn single buttoned button down). 

Jojo heads to Burnet, Texas for her hometown date with Luke and it played out like a Americana dream sequence—family and friends eating BBQ in a field, Luke arriving with his beloved via lifted Chevy extended cab (I’m a SUCKER for a lifted truck), and old men getting choked up at the thought of their son’s military service to the USA.  Jojo jumps right in and seems to impress everyone and jive with Luke. All snark aside, the emotional moment between Luke and his father got both me and my pal Heidi choked up and was probably one of the most authentic, vulnerable vignettes that we’ve ever seen on the show. 

After the family time, Luke whisks Jojo away so that they can make out on a couch made of hay and then walk down a candlelit path to a heart made of flower petals as the country music swells—it was MAXIMUM BACH and I loved every moment.  But remember when Tiny Hero (Alex) got all mushy with Jojo and she sent him packing?  That may explain what happened later, as the country home sequence was LOVELY and Luke is SO wonderful, but perhaps it was a bit too much for Jojo?  Luke tells Jojo, “my heart is yours and out there for you” before she leaves.

The rose ceremony takes place in an airplane hangar and Jojo’s dress is FIERCE. She looks like a gorgeous seal and I AM LOVING IT! Readers, how hard did that dress rule? Royal blue, slippery when wet material, low cut chest, slinky as hell—damn perfect.  We watch the boys arrive and in a move that Chris Harrison might call “unprecedented,” we immediately hear a voice over of Jojo saying that she plans to send Luke home.  That comment made Heidi and I SHRIEK out loud (and probably scare the people in the hotel room next to us). Luke RULES! He’s the tops! Girl, he worships you, he has a sick body, he has an edge, AND he lives in Texas—snap him up, Jojo!  And then, as if warned by a producer (probsies), Luke asks Jojo if he can talk to her and he pulls her outside to say, “I’m in love with you” which is apparently JUST what she needed to hear. That feels like semantics to me because “my heart is out there for you” is the same damn thing, but I’m not the one trying to eliminate hot bodied boyz from my life. 

Luke walks back into the hangar and Jojo has a meltdown outside, then we’re told that next week we’ll have a full episode Monday (and, presumably, TWO eliminations) then The Men Tell All on Tuesday (because they always do Men Tell All when they’re down to 2 remaining people).


My recaps will be on time next week, I promise!  But also, did you YELL at the thought of her sending Luke home!?!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 7: Gauchos, Grapes, and Tears

LOVEBUGS! We had TWO WEEKS without Jojo and the Boyz and I nearly went insane!  But last night we were back to normal life with 2 hours of sweet, sweet Bach.  

Monday night’s episode had Jojo and her 6 remaining suitors still in Argentina, with Jojo packing up her giant Louis Vuitton shoulder bag (oh, how I covet) and heading to the countryside!  The dudes are still absorbing the last rose ceremony and Alex said that he’s “shell shocked” from it, which is an interesting way for a war veteran to describe a rose ceremony, but what do I know. Chris Harrison makes a quick cameo to tell the dudes what they’re in for: 4 dates this week. A group date (buh) and three 1:1 dates with no roses up for grabs on the 1:1 dates, but a rose to be given out on the group date.

Tiny Hero Alex FINALLY scores a 1:1 date (poppin’ the old 1:1 date cherry—be gentle with the Tiny Hero!) and his and Jojo’s date is a long, boring drive out to the countryside during which they eat chips, Alex “freestyles” (it was as bad as you would expect), and generally get along like two siblings who don’t hate one another (foreshadowing of Jordan’s sibling rivalry that we’ll learn about later in the show?).  They arrive at a ranch and get dressed for gaucho training, which means that Jojo is in killer brown bell bottoms and a drapey top while Alex is sporting tall boots, puffy pants, a scarf with a decorative fastener, all topped with a beret-like hat. Basically, Alex looks like he’s a waiter at an Argentinian Steak House (is that a thing?) and Jojo looks like a knockout.  They ride horses and then watch a real gaucho sweet talk a horse and rub it down, then Jojo and Tiny Hero are given the opportunity to snuggle with this horse and be the inside spoon to a horse.   It was bizarre, but not as bizarre as watching Alex kiss Jojo OVER THE HEAD OF A HORSE directly in front of a real gaucho and then tell her “I’m your goocho.” Oh Alex, you’re one of those people who never quite gets the joke, aren’t you?

That night over wine dinner, Alex lays his cards on the table: he’s falling in love with Jojo, he fell in love with her the second he saw her, he can breathe now. Jojo is visibly NOT FEELING IT and tells him as much (in a gentle way) as all of the blood drains out of Alex’s face (and to his tattoos, most likely). Jojo explains that she doesn’t feel as excited as she should feel about that news and out of respect for Alex, she will send him home tonight.  Alex looks stunned and hops into a random dirty truck. Goodbye, Tiny Hero. Now you shall freestyle on your own. 

The next 1:1 is Big Pimpin’ with Jordan and by that I mean a stretch limo to a private jet to a winery—not a bad way to spend a day.  In Mendoza, Argentina they each get their own bucket of grapes to stomp on and I cannot watch ANYONE stomp on grapes without thinking about that newscaster who jokingly cheated on a grape stomping contest and was punished by the universe.


Jojo and Jordan are unaware that part of wine making is FERMENTATION and they stick a wine glass into their stomped grape juice and are STUNNED to learn that grape juice tastes good!  Yeah, it does! People drink it every goddamn day but usually AFTER it’s been run through a screen to eliminate schmutz! Maybe you’ve heard of a little company called Welch’s?  They happen upon a hot tub (what are the chances?) in which they make out and cuddle.

That night Jojo rocks a sexy look—tight skirt with super high slit, white shirt with black, lace detailing—and learns more about Jordan’s family. This conversation is—as our beloved Bachelor Sherpa Chris Harrison would say—unprecedented, in that viewers know who Jordan’s brother is (Green Bay Packers QS Aaron Rodgers) and are getting a peek into the family tension of a public figure.  Fascinating!  I converted to Team Jordan as he talked about how in everything he has ever done in his life, he’s been disappointed and that he has always felt like he’s in Aaron’s shadow. It’s interesting that a lot of the gripes that James Taylor had about Jordan (that he’s entitled, used to always winning and getting his way, has celebrity connections) are most likely NOT the case at all, in light of these fraught family dynamics.  They make out HARD in a stairway and Jordan cements his place as the KING of hot make-outs up against a wall. 



The next day is a slumber party-style group date for Chase, James Taylor, and Robby during which the gang eats junk food, plays truth or dare, watches the Argentinian Bachelor, and engages in other time killing activities that felt a bit like babysitting. Robby strips down to his boxers on a dare (hot), James Taylor shoves a ton of fries in his mouth (not hot), and Chase continues to be rewarded for bringing NOTHING to the table. 

Hey James Taylor, everybody thinks you're trying too hard to act casual

James Taylor plays a super manipulative “nice guy, only kidding around” move and “teases” that Robby has been checking out Argentinian women and is generally a louse. Cool move, bro!  JT knows that his days are numbered and is pulling out pathetic moves to make Robby look bad. Leave him alone, bud, Robby can make himself look bad all on his own! Jojo and Robby have a heart to heart outside during which he explains that his last relationship was “all wrong” and they dated for almost 4 years then broke up RIGHT before he came on the show. Jojo asks him point blank if he’s ready to be engaged and if he has gotten over that relationship and Robby responds that he has “definitely moved on” as he chokes back tears, so NO, he obviously hasn’t.  I hope that Jojo sniffs him out and sends him packing soon because he is NOT over his ex and ALSO he always looks like he just stepped out of a tanning bed which is strange and gross. 

Chase registers ZERO emotion while telling Jojo that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and James Taylor basically admits that their connection is mostly friendly and sweet but not HOT. Jojo agrees and politely says that James has “all of the qualities that I would want in a husband” and I wonder if James could see goodbye in her eyes.

Somehow Robby scores a rose which leaves James and Chase in a shared downward spiral.

Luke and Jojo’s 1:1 date is next and Luke is playing the game to perfection, saying that this isn’t about dates anymore, it’s about family, reality, life. Oh Luke, how about you take me back to your farm and you lift weights and chop wood while I cook for you?  WAIT—what just happened? I may need to go lie down for a spell.  Luke goes on to talk about how breaking a horse requires being perceptive and goodness gracious does he sound like the kind of “strong and steady” that Blake Shelton was singing about in Honebyee, huh? I am drinking the pop culture Kool Aid with that reference!  They do some skeet shooting, we get a montage of horses, then they drink in a barn. 

Before we know it, it’s rose ceremony time and the boys are riding in an open air, horse drawn carriage to the ceremony SANS cocktail party, which makes Chase and James Taylor very anxious. Jojo has another gorgeous, bold look: a black, sparkly gown (with strange neckline/front part that looked a LIL Ice Capades, but I’ll take it) and a maroon lip color.   

Robby already has a rose because Jojo’s a sucker for a white guy who looks like he got just a LITTLE too much sun every day of his life.  Then she hands out roses to…

-Luke (looking NICE in a purple tie, tie clip, dark suit)
-Jordan (not loving the light grey suit, but Jordy still rules)
and finally…..
-Chase (no emotions, no tie, no problem).

So James Taylor’s time has come, or as Brett Michaels used to say on Rock of Love: his tour ends here. Jojo and James cry and say goodbye, then he gets into a van to head back to the Taylor compound where James Taylor’s dad, James Taylor, is probably cranking Fire and Rain to soothe his son’s broken heart.   

Next week are Hometown Dates and I’m excited for a few things:
-to see Jordan’s family dynamics and what his older brother has to say about his other brother
-to watch Luke COWBOY UP, as we used to say in Red Sox Nation
-to watch Robby get booted (a girl can dream)

What are your predictions??

Also, listen to my pal Dava Krause and I discuss this episode on The Fantasy Suite:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-fantasy-suite/id1072808624?mt=2


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 6: Don't Cry for Me, Shiny Jim Halpert


On Monday night, Jojo and her remaining 8 suitors flew to Buenos Aires, Argentina for a group date, 1:1 date, and--in an unprecedented move in Bachelor franchise history--a second 2:1 date! Two 2:1s in 1 season! Jojo likes messing with these boys and I like to watch!

The episode opens with Jojo wearing a beautiful red sheath dress while roaming around Buenos Aires and she pronounces “Buenos Aires” in the style of a smug college junior who just returned from study abroad. She meets up with Chris Harrison to talk about how ironic it would be if she were to fall in love with two people (What irony! The heartbroken becomes the heartbreaker! Aint life funny?) while the guys annoy the sweet people of Argentina with their contractually required “HOLA JOJO” shrieks.  

The first date card says “Besame, Besame Muchacho” (Kiss me, Kiss me, Guy) and it goes to Wells who, we then learn, hasn’t kissed Jojo yet. Wells readily admits this to the other guys (BAD MOVE, bro) and they are incredulous and spend the entirety of Wells and Jojo’s date dissecting this issue.  When Jojo arrives (in a white sweater and grey pants), Luke jokingly asks her if she and Wells are going to kiss today and her response of “Hmm… that’s funny, isn’t it?” is legit the greatest unintentionally HILARIOUS line I have ever seen on Bach. (Oh man, aren’t unintentionally funny things just THE GREATEST?). Then some loser says “aaaaaawkward” in that obnoxious, high pitched way that makes me want to punch a wall with how lame it is (I thought that whole “aaaawkward” thing was over?) and Jojo and Wells head out to walk around an outdoor market.  

Post-market they walk over to Fuerza Bruta, an “interactive and immersive spectacle” that’s a funky show that happens above you (with people flopping around in shallow water to make cool designs) plus other performance art-y elements (a dude runs on a moving walkway, gets shot, a lady swoops by him). The storyline between Wells and Jojo is that he’s been waiting for the perfect moment to kiss her and he keeps holding out for the right time. Well, Wells, that’s a good way to let life pass you by entirely.  They strip down to minimal clothing and participate in the shallow water/flopping around part and Wells FINALLY musters up the courage to kiss Jojo (to which she exclaims “that was the moment, Wells! We did it!” as if cheering on a toddler who has finally mastered potty training).  The kiss was chaste and too little too late, as we learn over dinner. Wells has been skeptical of “the process” all along and is generally a pretty cynical guy, it seems, so he’s simply not matched for Jojo’s hopeful, upbeat personality. She tells him that she can’t give him the rose and walks him to a car where they hug, Wells says that she deserves true and love and he hopes she finds it. Way to go, Wells. After his graceful exit, Bachelor Producers give us some drama in the form of Jojo walking over to Fuerza Bruta alone to watch the spectacle solo. The voice over reminds us that Jojo wants a partner—someone to accompany her when she watches a guy sprint on a moving platform and get shot, ya know?

Back at the hotel, the guys act shocked as they watch producers remove Wells’ luggage (but wait, weren’t you guys JUST saying how far behind he is?) and prepare for a group date of Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor, and Alex.

The group date is a day of wandering around La Boca District (“we’re tired!” –Segment Producers) and this is when James Taylor begins battle with Imposter Syndrome. Jordan and the other guys are zipping around the soccer field in tight T-shirts while James is hustling around in a sweat-soaked button down when Jojo runs into Jordan and exclaims, “wow your stomach’s so hard!” which has got to be straight out of a movie in which Jack Black plays the lovable loser (the James Taylor character) and the girl LOVES the hot jerk (Jordan).  JT wins the penalty kick off, though (and a kiss from Jojo), and remarks that he’s “on track to I Love JojoVille” which gave me worse dumb chills than I’ve had since Evan left.

That night Jojo rocks a fierce look—little black dress under a black, leather jacket and has alone time with each guy. She and Luke get into some HEAVY PETTING before James Taylor spends his valuable 1:1 time whining that Jordan is a “celebrity” (his bar for “celebrity” is so low I might use it to limbo), he’s hot, has a stud arm, is in magazines, and seems entitled. Oof. But truly, there’s no there there, ya know? This isn’t a case of Jordan having a GF back home or being here for the wrong reasons—he just seems to intimidate James Taylor, but he hasn’t done anything WRONG.  Jojo is the queen of communication (and I love her for it) and she confronts Jordan immediately, asking about what happened when they were playing poker. Jordan laughs it off but gets especially offended by the allegation of “entitlement” the he returns to the waiting suitors where he spooks everyone with his tense silence and wine glass swirling. 
 
Finally, a confrontation erupts and James cops to what he said to Jojo, but tries to walk back his “entitlement” stuff but he ends up sounding like a paternalistic martyr. Tiny Hero Alex is SOAKING IT IN and Jojo successfully avoids the drama by giving the group date rose to Luke.

Next is the 2:1 between Derek (Shiny Jim Halpert) in a black shirt and Chase (Hottie with Sleepy Eyes) in a white shirt to show how DIFFERENT they are. Jojo is rocking a phenomenal red dress and red lip and they’re ready to Tango for 3! Derek is confident that he’s doing better than Chase because “Chase is in his head and I’m in my heart” but guess what, buddy, Jojo doesn’t want your head OR your heart. After the dance less, the trio has drinks and Derek goes full cheesedick saying, “I felt the passion” as Jojo smiles politely. During their alone time, Jojo gently scolds Chase for not giving her enough words of affirmation and I REALLY appreciate her ability to simply ask for what she wants and needs. Chase seems stunned (which is hard to tell because guy doesn’t have many facial expressions) but basically, takes the note.  Jojo holds up the rose and says nice stuff about Derek, then Chase, then offers Chase the rose, much to Derek’s chagrin.

Then we witness an exit the likes of which Bachelor Nation has never seen—friends, this was goddamn poetry. Jojo walks Derek to a car and they hug goodbye, then as he drives away, he melts, starts crying and speaking in 3rd person about who Derek is (“Derek’s imperfect”), then those shots are intercut with footage of a lovely Artentinian singer belting, “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” as Chase and Jojo make out in a candle lit ballroom.  HOW IS THERE NOT AN EMMY FOR BEST EXIT FROM A REALITY TV SHOW, DATING SERIES?

Readers, what was your favorite part of that scene:

(A) Derek saying,  “why am I crying?” and “I don’t…. cry….” and sounding like a robot who somehow grew feelings
(B) The back and forth editing of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and Derek’s tears
(C) The shot of Chase nibbling at Jojo’s neck as it all went down
(D) All of the above 
[NOTE: Can you tell that I work in Test Prep by day?]

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Finally it’s cocktail party/rose ceremony time and Jojo is stunning in a blue dress with gorgeous beading at the chest and a dramatic mermaid bottom. She chats with each guy, getting an “it’s whatever” from Alex (huh?), assurances that he wants to “do life” with her from Jordan (double huh), and illogical rambling about confidence from Robby (whatevz, Human Bump It).  

Luke and Chase already have roses, then she hands them out to…
-Robby (the tide is high and so is that guy’s hair)
-Jordan (fighting to get enough volume in his hair, too)
and then—in a dramatic turn—Jojo says “I’m sorry” and scampers down the stairs where she finds Life Coach Chris Harrison and talks to him. She tells him that she’s confused and doesn’t want to give this rose out and just as Alex and James Taylor think that Jojo is on a fast track to hometown dates, Chris Harrison walks out with a tray holding TWO roses. So everybody gets a rose and this rose ceremony was completely unnecessary, except to show off Jojo’s awesome blue dress (which is reason enough, to me).  Alex looks a gift horse straight in the mouth and whines that he got a “pity rose” but ya know who probably would have loved any rose, even a pity rose? Don’t Cry For Me, Shiny Jim Halpert, that’s who.