Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Bachelorette Becca: Tracksuits Are Too Casual for a Rose Ceremony (Ep 4)

Greetings, Bachelor Nation!

This is your intrepid recap writer, Selena "Bury Me in a White Bikini" Coppock, reporting for duty.

Monday's episode was a solid one, with 3 dates, 2 rose ceremonies, and 1 pair of gold underpants.

We open at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Clay has just left with his broken wrist. There is strange energy in the house among the guys, but Becca and Blake are loving life and talking about how many children they might have! Wheeee! They both love boy names for girls: Becca wants to name her daughter Stevie and Blake wants to name his daughter Charlie, and I'm just glad that I have found other fans of the early 90s TV show, SISTERS!


Remember these gals? Georgie, Frankie, Alex, and Teddy?! Gosh I was OBSESSED with this show when I was young, which feels odd since it was about the difficulties of some middle-aged women living in Winnetka, IL battling drinking problems, sexual assault, infidelity, and family issues. But I LOVED IT! Random trivia: Bruce Springsteen's first wife is the lady in the lower, left corner of that DVD case above. Waddaya know! Anyhoo. Becca and Blake are biting off SISTERS'S style with their kid name picks.

Meanwhile, resident bizarro boy, Jordan, is shit talking injured David (as usual), saying that he talks God every day and that people who go against him have bad things happen to them. Read: God broke your face, David, because you mocked me. David makes his semi-triumphant return to the house, black eye and bruised cheek, and all. I gotta admit, for once, David looks TOUGH and it makes me somewhat attracted to him. David gets a lot of hugs from the guys, an immediate rose from Becca (sometimes breaking your face is the best thing that has ever happened to you), and shouts over to Jordan, "what up, Jordan, how you doing?" to which Jordan doesn't even FLINCH. God these two are like an old, previously married couple. Blech.

In a move that will haunt her throughout this episode, Becca gives Jordan a pair of shiny, gold booty shorts (hey, it's pride month and Jordan is the gayest thing I have seen since the last time I hung out at the Stonewall Inn) but David is feeling good and says, "I may not have a male model face at this point, but I have a rose, bitch." AWWW SHIT, CHICKEN SUIT DAVID AINT HERE TO PLAY!

Soon it's rose ceremony time. Colton (Husky Ryan Phillippe), Chris (lil cheesy), and David (man without a face) already have roses. 

The others go to:
-Jason (looking like a mafia don with the slicked hair)
-Wills (love that light, patterned jacket!)
-Nick (WHO IS WEARING TWO CROSS MEDALLIONS AND A TRACKSUIT! I repeat, he is in a TRACKSUIT at a formal event and he didn't just walk off the set of Sopranos 2: Tony's Still Messed Up. As we saw him in a bizarro track suit, we heard audio of him saying, "I gotta be who I am" and I didn't realize that who Nick is, is a dude who retired from his career in imports/exports (hey, don't ask questions) and now spends his days at the Keno parlor telling anyone who will listen about how thin he can slice his prosciutto.)
-Lincoln (looking good in a bow tie)
-Christon (dark suit, patterned tie, solid look)
-Blake (I hate his clothing style--ALL Blake's choices are bad choices)
-Garrett (who might be a weirdo conservative hidden inside the body of a HOT BOY)
-Leo (big hair don't care)
-John (lil nerdy but sweet)
-Connor (big hair AND I CARE! This dude is a little tank engine of sexy)
-Jordan (as my wise roommate said, "he's a character, not a contender")
-Jean Blanc (coming in last! Ouch!)

So the two dudes who will be trying to sell you Fab, Fit, Fun boxes via Instagram in the near future are the blonde man bun (sorry dude--there can be only one man bun) and Roger, the dweebus banjo player. I know that we have some Roger Heads reading  this (hi Katie!), so I'm sure that moment was a sad one.

Becca gathers the non-losers and Jordan (HEYO!) and announces that their next stop is PARK CITY, UTAH!  The clip of slicked hair Jason screaming, "UTAH, baby!" made me laugh harder than the time I saw Dave Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall last summer (#brag).

The first date is a 1:1 with Garrett and Becca scoops him up from the ski chalet where the dudes are staying (very cool digs) and takes him to downtown Park City so that she can straddle him in front of a small child.

A super low budget screen shot of my Instagram story! I am a tech moron!


After that, they try on hats, goof around, and generally act like two SUPER LOSERS falling in love. Look, I'm as cripplingly lonely as the next NYC-based comedian and I would love to find love and become a bit insufferable, but GOOD LORD these two give me dumb chills that broke my insufferability scale completely.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lincoln reveals that he is a flat Earther, as if this season couldn't get more full of weirdos (Garrett has some problem Instagram likes, Lincoln might take shits on the bathroom floor AND was convicted of assault, Jordan is bananas).

Back on the date, Becca and Garrett meet up with 2006 Olympians Valerie and Shauna who were Olympic teammates, fell in love, got married, and now have 2 kids together. Fuck yeah, ABC. Thank you for giving them time to share their story--representation matters and I LOVE that almost EVERY guest star sports person we have met this season has been female. 

Garrett and Becca hop in a bobsled with the couple and all four cruise around the track. After that, G and B drink bubbly on an animal pelt and it occurs to me that if you are a non-drinker, this show might be hard for you to participate in.  Also, if you're not a total psychopath.

That night they get done up and Garrett is in a navy blazer and tan pants, looking like a 9th grader at his first semi-formal dance. Becca is in a taupe sweater dress, heels, and a red jacket. Have you noticed that Becca is the QUEEN of the dramatic jacket removal? She does it every time and I love it. Often the jacket is just on her shoulders and she waits until she arrives somewhere, all eyes are on her, then she gracefully removes the jacket as if to say, "HELLO, BOYS!"


Garrett reveals that he's divorced in the MOST evasive, roundabout way by talking about the relationship from the beginning and meandering all over the place discussing their "adventures" and subtly saying, "so then we were married" and, honestly, it seemed like he was trying to hide that fact, didn't it? Dude--just shot straight!



Garrett claims that his ex was manipulative and emotionally abusive and I WISH that I could see how she responded to those claims!! Live cam of her viewing party, please, ABC!!! Becca senses loyalty and commitment from the guy who just disparaged his ex-wife on national TV, so he scores a rose.  But wait, the date isn't over!! A no-name, D list country singer is legally required to appear!!  And Granger Smith (WHO?) is just the guy.  They go to his concert, are taped by a million iPhones (PEOPLE! Live your LIVES! Stop recording your lives!), and make out on a platform. 

The next day is a lumberjack group date starring Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick (what, no tracksuit this time, Mr. Soprano?), John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christo, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc.

Becca makes the dudes dress up like my dream dates and then perform feats of strength, which is my dream date activity. Stop haunting my dreams, Baby Monster!

ummmm hi
Becca says that when she was in high school and other girls were falling for Leonardo DiCaprio, she was falling for manly man lumberjacks and I gotta say, SO WAS I, Becks. You aint unique. I've tolerated some DUMB SHIT dudes because they were husky and drove Ford Broncos. Plenty of us are LumberLovers.

The dudes participate in a Lumberjack Contest and John (quiet, lil nerdy) does surprisingly well, dominating all of his challenges! He wins for his team (blue team) and gets the reward of a golden axe (an actual golden ax in a log), which is nice, but ya know what's nicer?  A frigging ROSE!

That night at the after party, Becca rocks a red, velvet dress with a VERY low cut V neck, a black jacket (DRAMATIC REMOVAL!), and big earrings. Jason (slicked hair) admits that he's struggling with his emotions a bit, Jordan strips down to his golden go-go shorts and gives the camera a TAINT SHOT as he bends over Becca. It was horrifying. Dude--you are a model. You should know your angles. Bending over, taint out, AT the camera, is an abomination. Even if your taint is covered by a pair of gold daisy dukes. Also, HOW am I writing these things and this isn't a recap of Ru Paul's Drag Race? In conclusion of the Jordan stuff, he had 1:1 time with Becca and he chose to spend it in weird gold hot pants and then WALK AWAY!?!? Dude, time with Becca is precious--why were you more eager to get back to the crew of dudes? Hmmmm. 

After that weird display, Colton pulls Jordan outside (HOT move, Mr. Man) and says that Jordan is being a clown, putting on a show, and he seems like he's not here for the right reasons. I concur, Colton! You are HOT and RIGHT!

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc is weirding out Becca during their alone time. He presents her with perfume, then says that he wants to whisper something in her ear and when he gets close to her face, he grabs her chin and moves her head to kiss him.  Buh.  No.  To me, that was a lil weirdly pushy and Becca clearly wasn't feeling it. It was a little too smooth and calculating, when Becca seems to respond to playfulness more than "moves." Leo interrupts, but Jean Blanc is anxious that he hasn't given Becca enough attention, affection, adoration, so he comes back and tells Becca that he's falling in love

DUDE!!! PUMP THE BRAKES!!!

It was so clear that Jean Blanc was just feeling insecure and left behind, so he laid it on THICK in a moment of desperation, but it REEKED of bullshit! Dude, do you think she'll keep you around just because you're like, "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU"???? She needs to love YOU, also! And we're only on week 4! Even guys that Becca is connected to (Garrett, Jason, Colton) aren't saying stuff like that!

You can see Becca cringe-ing as Jean Luc comes on too strong and she shoots him straight--this is a LOT, a bit too intense, and we're on different wavelengths.  She says that this needs to be the end and generously walks him out (WITHOUT A JACKET IN THE FREEZING COLD) and yet he whines about giving her the perfume gift. Dude! Stop! You look worse every time you open your mouth! Time to go!

But no, he KEEPS making it worse by attempting to backtrack and saying that what he said isn't "necessarily" where he's at, that he thought it was where SHE wanted to take things. Becca wisely responds, oh so you are just saying whatever you think I want to her? Jean Blanc--time to go. There is NO WAY to salvage this.  Becca says the just wants HONESTY, Jean Blanc finally leaves, and Becca returns to the guys very shaken up.  She says that she is very angry, she feels like he was bullshitting her and fears that other guys may be doing the same, and heads home--no rose on the group date (sorry, John).

There is somehow ANOTHER 1:1 date, if you don't think that this episode has gone on long enough! I gotta keep this part short cause I'm exhausted.

Sweet Wills and Becca spend the day together and he's just what she needed--a caring, low key, thoughtful, easygoing dude who will let her slowly move on from the rush of insecurity that she felt as a result of Jean Blanc's actions the night before.

They ride snowmobiles, have a snowball fight, and Wills commits a Bachelorette first by talking about open relationships! Hoooo boy!! I bet that ABC had never heard the phrase "hall pass" used that way before! I appreciated Wills's candor in sharing that story of heartbreak and I'm impressed by his self-awareness.  He scores a rose and before we know it, we're back to another rose ceremony (no cocktail party--sorry, suckers!). 

Lincoln, Connor, and Tracksuit Nick are anxious because they didn't get much time with Becca this week. 

She rolls up in a gorgeous, mermaid style gown (my fave) that's black, textured, and has a pouffy bottom half.  She starts handing out roses and I'll save you some time by addressing who did NOT get roses: Christon (handsome former Harlem Globetrotter who took it in stride) and Nick (blonde dude who seemed cool until he put on a tracksuit to make some sort of righteous point about--I dunno, track runners? Italians? Residents of South Boston?) who blamed himself, which was the only good thing he has done. 

Where to next? 

LAS VEGAS!! Hell yeah!!! Jordan assures us that he's "going to make moves--DEEP MOVES." What the hell does that mean? WHO KNOWS!??!?!??! 

See ya next week! 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Bachelorette Becca: Double Ambulances! (Ep 3)

Greetings, besties!!

As always, this recap is late.  I was cranking out a packet (got it done and feel good about it), been busy like a bee, plus beach season is here! Life is good! But you know who life IS NOT good for? Dudes who fall face-first off top bunks and break their faces. More on that later.

We open on the Bachelor Manse in a downpour, so you know there is going to be DRAMA this episode! And probably bad hair that can't hold a style because of that dang humidity! Truly, a hellscape.

The dudes are lounging in sweats and glasses and I like seeing them in house clothes. Everyone in the house is getting along except for this season's bizarro pariah, model Jordan who gives good face and good sound bite, but definitely is NOT HERE for Becca.

Chris Harrison drops by to map out the week: 2 group dates, 1 one-on-one date, and one dude with a broken face (JK he didn't announce that cause how could he? But also I CANNOT BELIEVE David broke his damn face). 

First group date invite list is Wills (cutie, great style), Jason (slicked hair, Becca seems to really dig him and I'm not quite sure why), Jordan (gimme them sound bites, Wilhemina dummy!), David (wherever Jordan goes, David must go for the DRAMZZZZZ), Jean Blanc (hiiiiii), Colton (husky Ryan Phillippe who frigging GRINS when he's nervous or feeling guilty and it's VERY annoying).

Colton says that he feels frustrated because his relationship with Becca isn't progressing, so he's excited to get some time with Becca on this group date but BAD NEWS, BROSEF, you will ALSO be getting some face time with your "ex," TIA!! AHHAHHAHAH Oh man I LOVE it when the Bachelorette producers are evil.  Becca's squad (Baby Rizzo, Kendall the twee chick, Caroline the pretty one, Tia the Arkansan who "dated" Colton (and by that we mean MADE OUT WITH and, like, WTF is this, 6th grade?)), and Seinne the smart one who talked about the power of representation to dumb loser Arie last season) assemble and they are ready to interact with these boys in a spa setting! They all talk about the elephant in the room (that Colton hooked up with Tia and likely thought that she was going to be The Bachelorette) and before you know it, Husky Ryan Phillippe is there in the flesh, smiling like crazy because he's nervous. Tia is also feeling awkward and Becca legit forgets Jason's name to his face. There was a lot going on. 

Mid-group date (of massages and nail painting), Tia and Becca disappear for girl talk and Tia explains that she only kissed Colton, she hopes he's here for Becca earnestly, and she loves Becca. They are sweet pals.

At the afterparty, Becca's girl squad isn't there and Becca arrives solo in a gorgeous, sleeveless, form fitting red dress, white jacket, tan heels. Jean Blanc grabs her away first and shows her his personal head massager (that he brings everywhere he goes, it seems), Jason somehow makes a great impression on her (even though he just seems cheesy to me), and Wills has another great outfit.  David and Jordan get INTO it because they can't not, and Jordan reveals that he has a 100% success rate on Tinder (that is, everyone who HE wants to match with also wants to match with him) and in 2017, had 4,000 matches on Tinder yet insists he's "not on there a lot." Suuuuure. 

David, being the petty tattletale creeper that he is, runs to Becca IMMEDIATELY and regurgitates Jordan's lame Tinder stats to her, rather than focusing on their "relationship" and Becca cracks me up by going right up to Jordan and saying, "4,000 matches!" then putting her hand up for a high five.  PERFECT EXECUTION, Becca! Becca doesn't take Jordan or David seriously and you can tell, but she has fun with those losers.

Jordan drops the line of the episode, "here's to you being a bitch" before he shit talks David to his face while the other men LAUGH AT BOTH OF THEM.  If Jordan or David had ANY self-awareness, they would see how frigging LAME they both look through all of this.  But neither one does.

Jordan seeks out Becca to explain himself and express that he knows it must be hard for Becca that he's a male model (Hhahhah HUH?), that he is like a golden retriever in relationships (but like, relationships with humans? Or with other dogs? Where does this simile begin and end?). Becca and Colton have a heart-to-heart about whether he has  moved on from Tia (has he "MOVED ON" from a make-out? God I would hope so), and whether he's truly there FOR Becca.  He assures her that he is and that's good enough for Beccs!! She grabs the date rose, gives it to Colton, and falls in goddamn LOVE. Here we go, friends. 

The next date is a 1:1 for Chris but it turns out to be more of a three person date (heyo!), cause it's Becca, Chris the sorta cheesy guido, and DICKIE MARX!


What is it about Daisy Fuente's husband that is so damn HILARIOUS!? I don't know. Maybe it's that he sings really earnest, sorta corny songs yet seems like a chill cat?  Who knows.  Either way, he wants Becca and Chris to write one another love songs (which feels more like a week 8 challenge--I mean, they truly HARDLY know each other) and Chris struggles because his dad abandoned his family or something. 

Then TRAGEDY STRIKES and The Bachelorette is disrupted by a fat trust fund bitch shaking hands with another fat trust fund bitch.

Ugh this 1:1 date SUUUUUCKS



Thankfully, soon we are back in fantasyland watching a guilty pleasure reality TV dating show that serves as a much-needed distraction from the idiocy, violence, and embarrassment that the Trump White House unleashes on the American public day in and day out. 

Becca and Chris have the "dinner" (drinks) portion of their date and Becca looks beautiful in a beaded, sequin-y jumpsuit while Chris looks fine (and I mean that in the "acceptable" way, not like, "he is fiiiiiine") in a light grey suit and patterned, dark shirt. They discuss their shared abandonment issues and then kiss HARD. Up next is a serenade by ya boy RICHIE MAARXXXXX! Mr. Marx tickles the ivories and flubs the lyrics to his hit song "Right Here Waiting for You" (did you notice that he said "whatever it takes" twice rather than "wherever you go"? DUDE!) while Chris and Becca make out and hold each other.  

Meanwhile at the house, David has done something that is PEAK DAVID and fallen off his bunk bed, face-first.  Hooo boy. The previews really had us thinking that one guy had viciously attacked another dude (JK--the tabloids would have revealed something like that if it had occurred) but it was just a good, old fashioned nose/eye socket break. TONS of blood but nobody is to blame. 

Remember when this guy got his eye socket busted on Real World: Austin? That's all I could picture when they said David landed on his face. Next week we'll see what David's face looks like now! Probably won't be as hot as this Boston boy, Danny!

Finally, it's time for a sexy football group date and the grew that's hopping on a bus is: Clay (a real football player who is FIIIIIINE and I mean that in the sexy way), Leo (big hair), Christon (former Harlem Globetrotter), Ryan (banjo tool), John (slow burn?), Garrett (front runner who makes bad Instagram decisions), Mike (small hair), Lincoln (overenthusiastic), Connor (HOT little tank engine of a dude), and Blake (too smiley). 

But wait--real quick--can we talk about Colton's arms!?!??!!? 



Not the pub in West London, dude, the guy Colton who formerly dated Ally Reismann and Tia, who wore a tank top as he read that date card and SWEET BABY JESU those arms were NICE LOOKING and somehow aren't anywhere to be found on the internet. SEE! Net Neutrality is IMPORTANT!! I NEED MY ARM PICS!!! 

The dudes and Becca tackle some football drills (DID YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?) lead by two ladies who are members of the LEGENDS football league which looks cool as hell. Then they put on hockey helmets to play football (did anyone else find those helmets very hockey-ey and not very football-ey?) in front of screaming fans, Chris Harrison, and Keyshawn Johnson. It's blue team versus white team and there are some plays and passes or whatever. To help his team tie, Clay runs the ball (rather than passing it) it the end zone and scores a touchdown while breaking his wrist. Yikes. Dude--you aren't a teacher or a lawyer or a sales guy who can muddle through work with a broken wrist. You are a professional football player and you just MAJORLY screwed up your ability to do your job.  Yikes.  After getting some alone time with Becca, Clay hops in an ambulance and that's our 2nd ambulance of the episode!  Holy trauma, Batman! 

That night, Becca dons a tiny, crushed velvet, silver bathrobe for the after party and Garrett picks her up in it, practically showing her chach to all of Bachelor Nation.  Blake rocks a chambray shirt buttoned all the way to the top button, like a cholo cowboy, and talks to Becca about how hard it is to go from a 1:1 date to a group date. Once you have tasted 1:1 luxury, it's hard to step down to pauper-like group date life. Connor looks HOT with that face of his, and, of course, Clay shows up because he is going to take EVERY advantage of this opportunity his broken wrist has given him and I am here for it.  Blake and Connor are crestfallen when Becca hands the group date rose to Clay, but come on, dudes--YOU weren't willing to break YOUR wrists for the girl now were you? 

The next evening, it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time and football boy Clay, virgin grinner Colton, and sorta cheesy Chris are breathing easy because they already have roses. Becca arrives in a dress I don't dig--a bland red, satin, sleeveless and strapless dress that doesn't fit too well and she's constantly tugging on. Buh.  Connor steals her right away and impresses her with his baseball skills because these dudes are Sporty SPICE this season. She hits a TEE BALL (literally--tee ball), runs some tiny bases, then makes out with hottie Connor.  Becca and slicked-back hair Jason do some canoodling while Clay talks through what he has to do: leave the show.  Clay weighs his options, but knows that he needs to leave and get surgery because he supports a lot of people with his salary and he's a frigging honorable man. Wow. OF COURSE the duty-bound, respectable man is the one who has to leave. Isn't that always the way?  

Clay says, "being a man is making hard choices, tough decisions, and living with them" and OMG I love this stoic, dutiful HOTTIE! Does "being a man" involve going on Bachelor In Paradise??? I hope so but I cannot see how!  Clay explains his situation to Becca and they have a semi-weepy goodbye, then he literally WALKS OFF--just walks down the driveway and into the night. Goodbye, sweet Clay. You were too good for us.  Never forget that you're hot. 

So now rose ceremony this week, love bugs! I'm sure it will be the first order of business next week! In the meantime, enjoy this photo of Clay....

JK!! 

Here he is: 
goodbye, beautiful stranger

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Bachelorette Becca: Smash + TRASH (Episode 2)

Last night was episode 2 of Becca's season in the driver's seat and ABC DID NOT DISAPPOINT! These boys are catfighting like someone would assume that women are, but they aint ladies! These are needy, intense, over-emotional DUDES!! Score one for feminism!

The episode opens with Becca cruising around Venice, CA on a bike and talking about "riding the wave," and "just going with it," like a lazy self-help guru.

Meanwhile, the boys are in STD Shack shrieking off the balcony (standard move) until Chris Harrison gathers them and encourages them to make the most of their limited time with Becca (WOW dude--that's really sage, unique advice). The first date card gets dropped and the participants will be: Clay (handsome biracial former NFL player), Nick (blonde white dude who isn't very hot and I know there's more to life than being hot, but there isn't much more to life when you're on The Bachelorette), Chris R. (guide FL dude who is now the ONLY guido FL dude with bad facial hair since Chase left), Jean Blanc (handsome black guy who is all about cologne and I aint mad at it), David (bird), Jordan (Wilhelmena Model's best/worst PR rep), Connor (holy STRONG JAW, Batman), and Lincoln (black guy with British accent, lil overenthusiastic).

They head to Saddlerock Ranch, Malibu where Becca is waiting for them in white. They all head into the ranch and the guys are given gorgeous tuxedos to change into. Like Donald Trump at Miss Teen USA, Becca stays in the fitting room as the guys strip down, then she gets some modeling tips from Jordan ("before you put on socks, shoes, tights, put your confidence on" AND HE WAS BEING COMPLETELY EARNEST). Becca and her harmen of hotties look NICE as they walk down the ranch's driveway and head to their activity.


Waiting for the posse are lovebirds RACHEL and BRYAN!! OMG Rachel is SO damn funny and likeable. When she screamed at the guys, "WHAT THAT MOUTH DO?" I gave her an applause break in my living room. The activity for this group date is an obstacle course of wedding-related challenges, one of which looks JUST like the amazing Japanese game show Slippery Stairs. Have you ever seen THIS?



Isn't that the funniest thing you have ever seen? God I love it. The other challenges involve running, sitting in cold water, getting a taste of what it was like to fight in the Vietnam War, and ending up beneath an archway where Becca is waiting! The guys hustle HARD on the assorted challenges and Lincoln seems to perhaps cheat a bit with the hourglass timer, but he wins and the judges go with it. A photographer appears out of thin air and snaps Becca and Lincoln's "wedding photos."

That night at the afterparty, Becca is rocking a SUPER low cut, lacey top romper that is super flattering, plus a bold lip which is very unwise because these dudes are Kissing Bandits even more than Pasty Snooze Arie was!  After a quick toast, Lincoln immediately grabs Becca and leads her away for 1:1 time, which pisses off the entire group, but no one moreso than Floridan Zoolander Jordan.  He utters a refrain for the ages, "IT'S A GROUP DATE, BRO!" and continues his reign as this season's best source of sound bites.
"IT'S A GROUP DATE, BRO!" 
One they are alone, Lincoln lays it on a lil thick, saying "you bring out the best in me" to which Becca wisely responds, "but what do you mean by that?" In general, Lincoln is just too enthusiastic and smitten this early on--to me, that's a red flag.  But then again, Bryan was always a lil too intense with Rachel and he got the girl, so what do I know?

Lincoln and Rachel kiss (an experience that's akin to "fling to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with a unicorn on a pot of gold," according to Lincoln and WOW that guy mixes metaphors and loves prepositions) and her bold lip is GONE for the rest of the night. While Becca has solid conversations with cheesy guido Chris R, David, and Clay, Lincoln and Connor get INTO IT over a framed photo of Becca and Lincoln that she gifted him. Both guys are being brats, but Connor takes it too far by throwing the picture frame off the patio and into the pool.  Props to Lincoln for responding that he refuses to get up and fight Connor because his mother taught him better than that--I liked that move.

Despite his strong jawline and cute face, Connor has really screwed himself with that move, as Becca finds it unnecessarily aggressive and says that she wants a man who can stay respectful and handle himself, then says that she doesn't want to get to know him any better tonight. Ouch, bro.  Jean Blanc makes some headway, complimenting Becca on her smile and her lips, which promots her to say "come here" and they smooch hard.

The group date rose goes to Jean Blanc (much to Lincoln's seeming surprise) and Connor leaves there feeling dejected. Deal with it, dude.

The next day is this season's first 1:1 and the first 1:1 is a powerful move that can portend good things for that contestant.  Blake (horse guy, sorta goofy, lil bit "aww shucks") is the lucky recipient of that date card and he and Becca hop a limo head into a "bad area of LA" (OMG an industrial area!? Some barbed wire!? WHERE ARE WE?). While they are driving, Lincoln is LEGIT CRYING to the other guys over his lost picture frame. Colton (aka Husky Ryan Phillipe) is NOT feeling super sympathetic, but keeps his trap shut like a smart cookie. Jordan is trying to say either ingenuity OR a word that means a person who is not genuine (I really couldn't parse the meaning of his comment on this one), and ends up saying "ingenuinity" I think? Wow. What the heck kinda schools did this kid ever attend? I mean, besides runway modeling school.

The 1:1 date is a surprise date orchestrated by Therapist/Exploiter Chris Harrison and it's all about Becca and her +1 having a chance to smash the symbols of her past! Oh man I remember when they did this on some D list rehab show with John Gosselin--no joke.  Blake and Becca suit up in Timberlands, oversized bodysuits like mechanics wear (Becca brings her own belt), and welders helmets (sexy date looks, you two!) and get ready to do some damage.

Who's there to provide the soundtrack for this destruction? LIL JOHN!  Hoo boy--either it has gotten cool to appear on The Bachelorette or Lil John is a Lil Desperate!! Either way, it's fun to watch Becca and Blake smash a race car with Arie's name as the license plate, shred the grey couch upon which they were sitting when chickenshit Arie danced around asking her for a breakup, and, finally, in a move that felt a lil harsh, smash some TVs upon which Arie's proposal to Becca is showing! OUCH!!



That evening, Blake (in a tan button-down which I don't love) and Becca (in a navy cocktail dress, leather jacket, dangly earrings and lots or bracelets) sit down to discuss this process, exes, and getting through heartbreak. Blake shares a story of how the woman he thought he was going to marry dumped him harshly (and her friends were like, "did you drop him yet?" OUCH!) but the timetable on that story was very unclear. I had no idea how long he was with that girl, so had a hard time locking in. Becca talks about how the Arie breakup made her stronger and offers Blake the rose, to which he responds, "yes, everytime, yes," which I assume ABC will start printing on T-shirts and coffee mugs if Blake wins this thing.  They make out on the street (Becca totally initiated the 'ole against-the-wall make out but Blake got into it).

Meanwhile, back at the house an assortment of strangers are becoming besties and learning if they will be permitted to leave their fancy jail.  The group date crew is Garrett (whose catchphrase seems to be "FIRED UP" and that's also MY catchphrase), Ricky (hasn't made a huge impression), John (seems a lil nerdy), Ryan (banjo boy), Alex (bland), Christon (sexy Mahershala Ali), Leo (curly mane man), Wills (cute), and the guy who she is deliberately keeping at arm's length because she's really interested in him--I can tell--Colton (Husky Ryan Phillippe).

The Bachelorette must have had some cuts in the Limo budget because the guys board a school bus and head to a gymnasium where Becca is waiting for them, along with 3 abusive kiddos who KILLED ME. They were SO MEAN to these guys and I loved every moment.  The 3 kids denied the men water breaks, called them "TRASH," and whip dodgeballs at them at top speeds. It was a glorious group date.




The dodgeball group date ends with a championship match--the boys are split into two florescent colored teams and Becca looks super cute in a cropped top and silver shorts (metallics are the greatest neutrals). A huge crowd cheers on the match-up, holding signs that say "ARIE SUCKS" and I gotta say, the constant anti-Arie sentiment of this season is giving me LIIIIIIFE!  Chris Harrison and comedy genius Fred Willard are doing color commentary as Leo single-handedly saves his team time and time again.  One team wins, but who really cares? It's time for drinks!

That evening, Becca rocks a sparkly, gunmetal dress (and you KNOW I Love my gunmetal color), a few necklaces, dark jacket, smoky eye--great look overall. She wears a LOT of jewelry and I can dig it. I don't think I wear enough jewelry and Becca is teaching me a lot about layering delicate necklaces.

Garrett (who "liked" some pretty offensive Instagram posts before he got on this show and has since apologized for that, but I dunno--he still sorta rubs me the wrong way) and Becca chat by a dark pool and Garrett says that she is the girl version of him (barf). Bland Alex admits that he doesn't normally go after girls who have their shit together (hahhaahh yikes), and Becca repeats the phrase "I'm not gonna lie" ad nauseam. Wills gets teary-eyed talking about his parents 50 year marriage and lets Becca try on his satin jacket (pretty sure I saw that jacket on the Nasty Gal website) and Husky Ryan Phillipe Colton drops the BOMB that he has a "relationship" for a weekend (OH you mean a HOOKUP but you don't want to embarrass your family on national TV so you're calling it a "relationship") with Becca's close pal Tia (Aransas girl hell YEAH!). Becca is stunned and handles it carefully (no doubt being aware that Tia herself will be able to watch Becca's response to this news once the show airs), saying that this is "tricky" and she needs some time to process all of that. So this means that Colton had "relationships" with both Olympic gymnast Aly Reisman and former Bachelor contestant Tia and NEVER got laid (he's a virgin). Now that's a unique guy.

The group date rose goes to fashionable Wills.

Finally, it's time for a cocktail party and rose ceremony and WOWIE ZOWIE this recap is getting long, so let's hit the high points.  Jordan said the phrase "tick tock, let's make it rock" and wore a blanket most of the night. Clay had some cute football-tossing time with Becca and that is NOT a euphemism for anything, surprisingly enough, and got kissed. John read Becca a poem. Connor took a framed photo of himself and threw it in the pool to show Becca that he's NOT a psychopath with a bad temper. David stewed in anger and mocked Jordan to his face (delicious).  Jordan repeatedly said the word "ingenuininity" or something like that, which I thought was him saying a word to mean "not genuine" but in fact, was him trying to say ingenuity.  There was a brief moment when I *did* identify with our House Idiot, Jordan: when he legit CHUGGED his white wine.

Going into the rose ceremony, Jean Blanc, Blake, and Wills had roses. Becca handed out more roses to:
-Chris R. (too cheesy for my taste--I'm growing up!)
-Jason (didn't have a date this week but you can't screw up too much if you don't say much)
-John (lil nerdy--he'll last another week or 2 tops)
-Clay (hey there! I'm all right with a slow buuuuuurn)
-Mike (2nd best man bun in the house which is a sad title to hold when there are only 2 man buns)
-Connor (MUCH TOO CASUAL, DUDE--patterned shirt and no jacket!? STEP IT UP!)
-Leo (the TOP KNOT(CH) MAN BUN and YES that pun was intended!)
-David (lil nerdy, but his debates with Jordan are juicy)
-Garrett (dark suit, light shirt, fine)
-Nick (super cheesy chain necklace gets caught on camera and I am NOT loving it)
-Brian (dark hair--that's all I have in my notes)
-Christon (YES! Former Harlem Globetrotter is making moves)
-Jordan (rocking a pink blanket and looking like an idiot)
-Lincoln (seems relieved. Just slow it down and stop pushing so hard, dude)
-Colton (I'm glad Becca let him sweat a lil bit)

So who is heading off into the Los Angeles sunset?
-Alex (who got a pretty BRUTAL edit with his crying at the end)
-Rickey (who? Yeah that's the problem)
-Trent (who I could have sworn was Alex, but apparently not!)

Next week we delve into AWKWARD territory, as Becca recruits her gal pals to come meet the guys. And OF COURSE one of them is Tia!! Hahhahah tough luck, Husky Ryan Phillippe!

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Bachelorette Becca: Let's Do The Damn Thing! (Ep 1)

LOVE  BUGS!

Your favorite show is BACK and your favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette recapper, ME, is thrilled to be making her triumphant return to her life's work of shit talking lonely singles while occasionally speaking in the third person!

During last night's premier, I hosted a live watch party at QED, so my notes weren't as insanely detailed as they usually are.  So this recap might be a bit light, but fear not--I'll be watching all season and taking notes, plus tweeting (@selenacoppock).

The show launched with a montage of Becca crying, because every good redemption story has got to "start at the bottom" to quote that song that the kids love and is no longer even especially topical.  We were reminded of the bullet she dodged (a pasty white bullet named Arie--BARF) and given hometown introductions to some of her potential suitors this season.

We met Clay, a former football player who is biracial and has AMAZING arms. Then we met Garrett, a Reno, NV native who JUMPED into frame, which is NEVER a good look.  Garrett seemed very "extra" and I immediately hated him.  Then we met Jordan, a blonde model from Florida (the EPICENTER of modeling opportunities, right?) who quickly started serving up the greatest sound bites of the show. Producers will force Becca to keep him around for a few weeks for his commentary, no doubt.  We also met Lincoln, a super handsome guy with a British accent (he's from Nigeria originally) and great taste in clothes. Up next was Joe, the aww shucks cutie from Chicago who owns a grocery store and who I loved the moment I saw him. Then Jean Blanc, a native of Haiti (who said, "it's not a BLEEP-BLEEP" so I can only assume that Jean Blanc hates Donald Trump as much as I do) who is ALL about scents and I'm here for it. Rounding out those extended intros was former professional football player Colton who is SO DAMN HOT and friendly-looking. He had to quit football because of injuries or concussions or something and it reminded me of when I dated a pro hockey goon who had to quit because he couldn't take any more punches to the face. GOD THAT KIND OF THING IS SO DAMN HOT!!!! Just like, "I used to be extremely violent and now I'm just a sexy assed pussycat," ya know?

Before we knew it, Becca was looking stunning in a sparkly, white dress and waiting in the freshly hosed-down driveway of the STD Shack and it was time to GET THIS PARTY STARTED!




Some of the guys had top notch entrances (Colton with the confetti cannons, John with the sweet story about his grandparents, Garrett with his minivan, Blake and his horse) and some stumbled (sweet grocer Joe who sorta clammed up, the guy who JUMPED OUT from a Hearse and acted like a Millennial girl, David in the chicken suit), and some were downright hard to watch (KAMIL).

Quick diatribe about Kamil's shameful entrance. First off, I liked his style--cool sneakers and a fitted, black suit. Cool cool.  He got out of the limo, stood at the limo door and said, "come here" TO BECCA. Ummm NO. NO NO NO. That aint how this goes down, kid.  I couldn't exactly see what happened but I think she stepped toward him (force of habit when you are socialized to shut up and do what you are told BY THE PATRIARCHY) and then sort of second-guessed herself (relatable) and then he started in on a monologue about how a relationship is a compromise and it should be 50/50 or 60/40. Fuck you. Sure, compromise is important but starting things off by commanding a woman to "come here" is nothing more than manipulation and boundary-testing to see what you can get away with. As Maya Angelou told us, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  As I always say: goodnight, bitch.

The cocktail party was standard fare, although the drama moved at warp speed, as these things go nowadays.  Early in the night, Chris (a forgettable Rico Suave dude with bad facial hair from FL) confided in his newfound "friends" that Chase (a forgettable Rico Suave dude with bad facial hair from FL) was "here for the wrong reasons" and Chris heard that straight from one of Chase's ex-GFs. Chris confronted Chase about it 1:1 and Chase's self-defense was that this girl wasn't even a real ex, she was a woman he briefly "dated" (probably humped down with for a few weeks), and she was just out to get him. Chris grabbed Becca so that the 3 of them could have a talk and enlighten her. During said talk, as Chase attempted to defend himself from his former flame's disparaging comments, he said "WOMEN" as if to say, "you know how it goes--women are crazy."  Becca was NOT impressed and thankfully, sent Chase home at the close of the episode.

Let's get to the good stuff--the rose ceremony.  But wait, before we do, I must give a shout-out to the former Harlem Globetrotter, Christon, who is not only handsome and well-dressed (I LOVE a man in a patterned shirt and suit), but also dunked OVER Becca and executed that move perfectly.  I hope there are more dunks this season, my friend!  And double-wait, let's talk about JAKE!! Jake is also from Minneapolis and has met Becca MULTIPLE times but doesn't remember ANY of them except for that one at the Christmas party!  He's obstinate and bratty and insists that HE IS HERE TO LOVE BECCA!  Becca aint buying it and she sends him packing IMMEDIATELY.  Perfect move, girl.

OK, soon the sun was coming up and it was rose ceremony time, but nobody was super plastered because apparently the higher ups put a 2 drink MAXIMUM in place after the Bachelor In Paradise DeMario/Corinne debacle.

Pre-rose ceremony, Becca gave Garrett the first impression rose, which means a LOT and MIGHT wipe my memory of him jumping into frame from earlier int the episode--we shall see.  But let's talk about the 'ole line-up, flower hand-off:

-Lincoln (hell yeah! Handsome guy arrived carrying birthday cake!)
-Blake (horse guy, red suit, pretty cute, lil too eager for my taste)
-Rickey (didn't make a huge impression but I can dig a man named after a drink that I love)
-Jean Blanc (buckle up for a season of NICE watches and beautiful scents!)
-Christon (Harlem Globetrotter BAY BEEEEEE)
-Clay (handsome former NFL-er who I'd like to see shirtless within in the next 2 eps plz)
-Wills (didn't make much of an impression, so we'll see)
-Connor (cutey with BIG HAIR up top who got down on a knee and joke proposed when he arrived--cute move, he seems playful and fun)
-Jason (too slick for my taste)
-John (sweet guy who is very well educated, seems kind, will probably not be pushy enough to stick around a whole lot longer)
-Ryan (banjo player who wore an atrocious suit jacket and well, is a frigging BANJOIST--need I say more?)
-Alex (white dude, pink tie, personality?)
-Nate (white dude with blonde hair who arrived in a race car driver suit as a SUPER FUN way to remind Becca of the man who called off their engagement!)
-Trent (legit WHO?)
-Colton (blonde HOTTIE with a heart of gold who I think Becca is wisely putting on the back burner because she likes him a LOT. That's a move we call "pulling a Jojo" and it's brilliant.)
-David (chicken suit guy who, turns out, is a Venture Capitalist Pig, not a chicken after all)
-Jordan (male model who seems VERY SIMPLE and will be providing the color commentary for the next 3 weeks or so)
-Leo (curly-haired stunt man who also gives good sound bite but whose hair is just A LOT--and I say that as a woman who has made out with TWO long-haired mountain men in my life).
-Mike (the other man bun who had the nerve to show up with a cardboard cut out of Arie and that is NOT OK. Don't hang up your hair elastics so soon, bro--you won't be here for long.)
-Chris R. (the Floridian who warned Becca about Chase, but nonetheless rubs me the wrong way).

So who headed home to start their careers as DUFF eyewear brand ambassadors via Instagram?

-Kamil (turns out, commanding a woman to "come here" when she has 29+ other hotties pleading for a moment with her and behaving like gentlemen around her is NOT a great move)
-Jake (hometown loser who seemed ANGRY that Becca remembered meet him and he forgot about meeting her many times)
-Darius (didn't make enough of an impression, I'd guess, cause I can't remember anything about him, either)
-Chase (the dude who was immediately put on blast for having bad intentions. Great move on Becca's part and I'm loving her style--she shoots straight and doesn't entertain drama. Reminds me of Rachel's time as The Bachelorette)
-Grant (seemed a lil intense)
-Christian (who?)

So I believe that she has 21 suitors remaining and this season looks to be a good one.  It seems as if Lincoln will emerge as the house shit-stirrer (pun intended--did anyone else read that weird gossip about him that he may be a bit of a phantom pooper?). Colton will be around for a while and I'm excited for that. Now if only we could get more Joe the grocer in our lives, but we'll have to settle for social media stalking.


Top photo: creeper Jake who literally said to Becca, "do you know--do you know--do you know I have ONE conscious recollection of meeting you" as if that's supposed to woo her!?
Bottom photo: the one that got away, Joe the supermarket owner from Chicago. CALL ME, JOEY!!

Here we go, season 14 of The Bachelorette!!

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Finale Nightmare

OK, lovebugs--by now, all of Bachelor Nation and all of our great nation (well, not great right now, but our great nation circa 2010 or so), know what happened on Monday and Tuesday nights.  Rather than recap it (because I only watched/read transcripts of the Monday night episode because my On Demand is overstuffed and I had plans on Monday blah blah blah), I am going to share my thoughts on everything.  MY THOUGHTS! I KNOW!! Can you handle it?  Here we go....

OK, so first off, Pasty Snooze Arie pulled a Full Mesnick (that is, previous Bachelor idiot flip flopper  Jason Mesnick) and proposed to one girl THEN decided that he changed his mind and wanted the other girl.  Oh man.  That is truly THE WORST thing that could happen. This maneuver is crummier than back in 2007 when Bachelor Brad Womack PICKED NEITHER WOMAN. It's worse than Juan Pablo's God awful season that ended with him telling Clare that he enjoyed fucking her and then telling Nikki that instead of proposing, he'd like to just keep dating.  Arie has secured his place as both the most hated Bachelor of all time, and the most hated man in America and I'm glad that the USA is finally WAKING UP!

So in the beautiful garden and in the official finale, Arie proposed to Becca and sent Lauren home, heartbroken.  He and Becca were engaged for 6 weeks and when he decided that he wasn't feeling it anymore (but didn't reveal that to Becca),  he asked Becca if it would be OK for him to call Lauren to "get some closure," but what he actually got was a new girlfriend lined up.  In Monday and Tuesday's episodes, Arie attempted to play it off like he was evasive to Becca for her own sake, out of consideration for her, because he wanted to be TOTALLY SURE that he was going to call it off, but that's bullshit. He wanted to be TOTALLY SURE that he had another option lined up, and, shockingly enough, HE DID!  He called Lauren and they talked it out (with the cameras OFF, which is NOT the same respect he gave Becca--SHE got dumped ON CAMERA and he would NOT leave when she asked him to THREE TIMES) and then once he felt SURE that Lauren would take him back, only THEN did he drop Becca.  Fuck off, guy.

I read the transcript of the Becca/Arie breakup (as I mentioned above, it was a rough week with me and Time Warner Cable) and HOLY SHIT he is such a monster.  First off, he didn't really even SAY that he was calling off their engagement--he really made Becca crack that case, which is unconscionable.  Don't make the woman who you are dumping do the emotional labor WHEN YOU ARE DUMPING HER.  Second, she asked him to leave THREE TIMES and he did NOT leave because he wanted to clear his conscience and "talk it out" so that he didn't feel like a total cad.  YOU ARE A TOTAL CAD, PASTY SNOOZE!! Becca is NOT here to stroke your anxious conscience and tell you that you're "not a bad guy." YOU ARE A BAD GUY and the onus is not on Becca to make you feel less bad.  Fuck YOU.

Hoooo boy HERE WE GO!! God can you imagine if I wrote this recap on Monday while it was fresh? I would have punched my keyboard!

OK so then in Monday's episode of After the Final Rose, Chris Harrison (who I will love forever, even when he says corny ass shit about "haters" and how they are, always, gonna hate) is there and eager to chat with Becca's crew: Bekah (Baby Rizzo rocking white mosquito netting as a dress, plus a bright white bra and some dangly earrings that make her look like a 12-year-old who was JUST permitted to wear "danglies'), Caroline (former Miss Massachusetts gorgeous brunette in a LOVELY green dress), Tia (my razorback rad chick who pulled NO punches while rocking a white romper and hot, bright pink heels), Sienne (who was dropping some HARSH truths about Arie and I am HERE FOR IT--also she looked beautiful in her blush getup), and Kendall (who is def NOT really pals with that crew but needed to be there for diversity--she was the ONLY blonde).  That crew joined Chris Harrison onstage and referred to Arie as a master manipulator, a flip flopper, a liar, and--essentially--a psychopath.  ALL OF THIS WAS SAID WITH HIS PARENTS AND LAUREN'S PARENTS IN THE AUDIENCE and I looooove it.  As they say on the internet, draaaaag hiiiiiim.

After that girl gang dropped some truth bombs, Becca came out looking like a fierce disco diva: gold, plastic-looking dress (yezzzzz), perfect gold jewelry, hair sorta to one side, teeth FRESHLY bleached, smokey eye.  The DREAM look when you are going to run into your dumb fuck ex. 

I must admit that, for a change of pace, I just WATCHED and I didn't take notes.  It was a first--truly.  I wanted to watch The Bachelor like a regular humanoid whose life isn't hijacked by a blog every 4 months, ya know?  Because of that, my recollection isn't perfect, but I remember Becca saying that she's doing well, all things considered, she's moving forward, and that she understands it--if Arie isn't 100% about her, she doens't WANT to force him to be with her! 

Then Arie comes out and he looks even thinner and clammier than he always does, which is quite remarkable.  He and Becca have a stilted conversation and you can tell that his prepared talking points (I reached out to Lauren and didn't tell you because I didn't want to ruin your world until I was TOTALLY sure that I had some rebound puss) didn't quite add up.  Blech. 

Then Becca left and, I hope, went into a soundproof padded room with wine, because who came out next but Lauren, looking like she's wearing hair extensions that are in a semi-unflattering blonde.  Look, I don't mean to hate on Lauren and I shouldn't.  Also I LOVE that the first thing that Bekah, Caroline, Tai, and crew said was that they LOVE Lauren and this isn't about Lauren--it's about trashbag Arie.  AMEN!! 

But we can't ignore the fact that in these ensuing few months, Lauren STILL has not located a personality. Chris Harrison literally said something about wanting to know what was going through her head and she responded, "I don't know." I mean, COME ON!!

Lauren and Arie talked about how they are in love, they are going into hiding (ha), and never checking social media ever again (good luck with that--at the rate we're going, soon my twitter feed will be beamed OUT MY EYEBALLS #blessed), then Arie did the most motherfucking Arie thing EVER and he PROPOSED TO LAUREN ON TV. 

OK, dude.  I get that maybe you wanted to make it official, to give Lauren the TV proposal that you wish you had given her back in Peru, but maybe maaaaaybe, this time around, just take a beat, step back, and keep something just for you two.  You're headed to Europe to live in an underground bunker?  Propose there! 

Oh also, they said something about how all of the haters and all of this ire from Bachelor Nation has brought them closer and I screamed because asshole couples ALWAYS say that everyone hating them makes them more in love.  Of course they say that! What else are they going to say?

They disappear (thankfully), then Becca comes out because SHE IS THE NEW  BACHELORETTE AND HER SEASON STARTS RIGHT FRIGGIN' NOW!!!

Ok, another aside.  I get that ABC likes to do this and they pull people RIGHT into her season and it's a smart marketing ploy BUT, I just feel like it showcases a complete lack of boundaries and it always happens to THE BACHELORETTE and NOT THE BACHELOR.  They did this with Rachel Lindsey.  They did NOT do this with Arie (well, because he was a 2nd string casting choice at a random moment, but still) but they did it with Becca and honestly, I think it just asks a LOT of the woman to face her ex-BF, see him pleased as punch with his fiancee, then DIVE INTO DATING!!  Especially because Becca ended up sitting side saddle on a g-d horse.  I mean, what else are you going to throw at her tonight, Chris?  A PIE???

The stage hands set up the Bachelor mansion exterior in the studio and before you know it, Becca is greeting random jags who think they're funny.  I DID take a few notes on this part.  We met...

-British HOTTIE in a bow tie who was JACKED and I'm excited to see more of, though I missed his name somehow.  He called Arie a "wanker" and I can only pray that Arie's entire family was made to watch that, though I sorta doubt it.
-Chase - white dude, dark hair, sorta rubbed me the wrong way immediately
-Brian - a banjo-playing white guy who seems like a male Kendall and I hate him already--sorry, friends!
-Darius - black guy in a dark suite and blue shirt who was hot, but a lil inappropriate.  Did you all hear when he pointed at her and goes, "that's for me?" Ummm NO, no, it's not "for you" and "that" has a name.
-Blake - handsome white guy who was VERY smiley (don't love that) with his horse Bradley.

What did you think of the season, dear lovebugs? Hate it? Love it? Are you excited for Becca to be the new Bachelorette? I think she will be AMAZING and I'm rooting for her--as long as she promises to stop exclaiming "let's do the damn thing" every 10 seconds. 

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Bachelor Arie: Women Tell All, BLAND-tasy Suite

Lovers!

I am, as usual, late with this recap and it's for my standard reasons (I work full time and perform standup most nights and I burn the candle at both ends AND ALSO that last thing is the title of a podcast about candles that I dream of launching BUT WHO HAS THE TIME???), BUT ALSO ALSO I'm late because, dammit, Arie is just SO painfully boring.  This season has been a SLOG and not even the whisper antics of Krystal or the wise words of Bekah can save it!

Sunday night's Women Tell All episode was an embarrassment.  There was SO LITTLE DRAMA there that Chris Harrison had to resort to showcasing "Great Moments in Women Tell All History"--are you kidding me? I haven't seen that much filler since I stopped stuffing my bra (and I really didn't "stop" so much as I just switched over to a SUPER padded push up bra because, listen, I have A cups and some shirts just look nicer when you have SOME sort of chest to put them over).

A quick run-down of Women Tell All:
-I always love this episode because it's the LAST CHANCE for most of these people to be on TV so they are all DONE UP like WOA.
-Krystal definitely had work done.
-Bekah's look was NOT my favorite. I think she's really pretty and has great style, but her bonkers earrings and old flapper dress were NOT doing anything for me.
-Chelsea needed more bronzer (God what is HAPPENING when a Bachelor participant isn't rocking ENOUGH bronzer?) and her dress looked like maroon velvet water wings.
-Bibiana seems to have gotten a boob job (no shame in that game) but SWEET JESU WHY is she wearing a dress that makes her look naked? WHITE WOMEN LISTEN UP: PLEASE STOP WEARING DRESSES THAT MATCH YOUR SKIN COLOR! IT'S CREEPY AND STUNNINGLY UNFLATTERING. (Can you tell that I am in a MOOOOOOD?)
-Caroline (Tia's pal--brown hair--gorgeous) rocked a white pantsuit (tribute to our actual president, Madam Hillary Rodham Clinton? I hope so b/c I LOVE  HRC) and spent most of the episode almost crying while screaming--I LOVED IT.
-there were jokes about Arie having a small dick, which seemed both unprecedented and accurate.
-Arie came out and appeared to be sleepwalking (dude is SUCH a snooze), straight-up said that he wishes he had a do-over (yikes).
-Caroline cryptically said, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID" and asked Arie if he was REALLY there to find a wife, to which Arie responded that we'll all watch how it plays out. DOUBLE YIKES! Unlike previous Women Tell All Eps, there was NO question of "are you in love" or "are you engaged" to Arie (WEIRD) and Arie did NOT seem excited. Yiiiiiiikes, man!!
actual photo of Chelsea at Women Tell All

Then Monday we had the Fantasy Suite date aka, 3 Humps in 3 Nights (and if that title doesn't get used to an upcoming movie starring Zac Efron there is NO justice in this world).  Arie and his remaining trio (Quirky Kendall, Corny Becca, Boring Lauren) head to PERU for SEX (and wine, tourist activities).  

Arie starts the episode saying that he's excited to get to know the women "on a whole new level" and that level is DICK LEVEL. 

Kendall is up first and she  looks like an extra from 21 Jump Street with her plaid shirt tied around the waist and jeans.  She and Arie meet in the desert and cruise around in a dune buggy, much like that classic 1990s song but Presidents of the United States of America! 


They attempt to have a picnic in the desert and eat food coated in sand as they discuss the fact that there are STILL issues they need to discuss and honestly, at this point, it feels like it's just too late for all that. That night Kendall rocks a red jumpsuit that I LOVE and Arie pours his pasty, Silly Putty-like body into dark suit so that they can eat seafood and talk.  Kendall makes a point that I REALLY relate to, which is that she often suspects that men date her as a novelty--she's quirky! Plays ukulele! Likes taxidermy! Isn't this fun and interesting but not sustainable? I REALLY related to that--plenty of guys are curious about standup, want to learn about comedy, but don't see me as a viable option for a partner, I don't think.  So Kendall, I get you, girl.  And I also love your liquid liner cat eye. 

Arie pulls the fantasy suite date card from beneath a table runner (DID YOU SEE THAT? It was like a magic trick OF DICK) and Kendall agrees to "forego her individual room" so they had up to the fantasy suite where Arie JUMPS on the bed like he's back at a USC sorority house (apparently he has gotten AROUND the sororities of SoCal universities) and it's lights out. 

The next morning they cuddle as the cameraman gets footage of their clothing strewn on the floor (ARE YOU PICKING UP WHAT HE IS PUTTING DOWN, BACHELOR NATION?), eat some eggs, then Arie needs to zip off to sex date #2. 

Up next is Snooze Lauren and she's rocking an off-the-shoulder, chambray peasant blouse that Bekah also owns.  Arie meets her at an airport and stands in front of a plane as Lauren enters, prompting Lauren to remark, "there's a plane behind you" and GOOD LORD LAUREN, that's almost as bad as the time when you called an Italian piazza, "so Italian." They hop in a plane and go look at the Nazca Lines as they sit in silence.  Later they sit at a table and Lauren says "like" every other word but manages to communicate that she is VERY nervous that she'll end up getting her heart broken and GIRL you have GOT to accept that possibility and get over it. I mean, IN LIFE there are no guarantees! Sure, your heart might get broken sometime.  Hell, you might get hit by a bus! You might lose your phone! Your colorist might royally fuck up your hair--ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! You gotta roll with it (baby). 

I truly think that she's playing up the whole "I put up walls because I'm scared I will get hurt" because she knows that she's profoundly uninteresting.  Sure, she's cute and dresses well, but there's no there there, so she HAS to claim that she has clammed up due to nerves--is she REALLY going to admit that she doesn't have many interests and knows very little about life and the world? 

That night over dinner, Lauren thanks Arie for being so patient and supportive and I suppose he has been, but he seems annoyed that instead of getting to know Lauren (bad news, bro--there isn't much to know), he has spent these weeks and months reassuring her. That shit gets tiresome.  Pre-fantasty suite, Arie straight up says "I love you" to Lauren which is pretty unprecedented.  Historically, the Bachelor or Bachelorette has NOT been "allowed" to drop the L-bomb to any contestant.  He or she has only been like, "I appreciate that" when a contestant has opted to drop the L-bomb him or  herself.  Also, yes, I just referred to myself as a Bachelor historian and it's v. sad. 

They head to a candlelit hump den and, presumably, test drive the 'ole car before they buy it.  The next morning Arie is wearing AN ABOMINATION of an outfit--black shorts, white T-shirt, BLACK SOCKS PULLED UP TO HIS CALVES AND BLACK SNEAKERS!? Lauren sees it and STILL kisses him, says she loves him. Get some self-respect, girl. 

Finally it's time for Becca--the 3rd lady in this sex hattrick, so we shall call her "Sloppy Thirds" even though she is my favorite of the 3.  They meet up by a boat and throughout their day of boating, laughing, and seal spotting, Becca is eager and enthusiastic while Arie seems a bit distant--or maybe that's just Arie being Arie?  That evening they clean up (Becca's rocking a crushed velvet 90s look and I dig it) to cuddle and drink in a SUPER COOL tent (great work, Bachelor powers-that-bee) where Becca says "I love you" to Arie AND HE RECIPROCATES!! OK, so now he's both sexing AND L-bomb dropping with 2 women in 2 nights.  Yikes.  

Becca and Arie's "fantasy suite" is a cute tent erected in the sand dunes and it's cute but I bet it gets HOT in there once the hump down starts, ya know? 

The next morning, Arie somehow acquires a tray of breakfast food and they enjoy a lovey-dovey post-sex brunch outside.  

Everyone heads back to the hotel and who appears but ROSS, Becca's ex-BF who is on a mission and also EXTREMELY HOT.  Ummm, yo, how about ROSS for next Bachelor?  

ummmm hi 
BUT I will say one thing.  Despite the fact that Ross is HOT and stocky (my kryptonite), it's a pretty creepy move to fly to Peru, drive 5 hours, and insist that a proposal of marriage is "yours" to give her. Dude, Becca doesn't owe you shit--nothing of HERS is at all YOURS.  She's allowed to do whatever she wants.  But call me, OK, Ross?

So yes, I'm sure you heard, Ross rolled up to their hotel and talked to Arie as if Becca was a possession of his, then talked to Becca and stupidly thought that she'd LOVE this BIG gesture and run away with him.  Props to Becca for rolling her eyes at Ross and telling him that life isn't "The Notebook." Boy, bye. 

Somehow, seeing her stocky, sex ex drove Becca back into the lanky, undefined arms of Pasty Snooze Arie and before we knew it, we were ready for a rose ceremony. 

Becca is in a whiteish flowy dress with a SUPER low cut v neck thing, hair to the side; Lauren is in a red dress that makes her look like a young senator's wife; Kendall's in a regrettable black dress with patterned top, flowy bottom.  They line up to learn their fate and Arie asks Kendall if he can chat with her. We all know what THIS one means--bye bye, Ukulele Player.  Arie and Kendall talk and she totally gets it--she's sad but she's also not ready to marry him, so girl has gotta go.  They have a sweet, tearful goodbye and Kendall leaves.  

Arie goes through with the rose ceremony, handing Lauren the first rose (because she constantly needs reassurance so would probably have a breakdown if she were given the 2nd rose out of 2) and Becca the second.  

Next week is the LIVE finale and if you have heard the rumors, shit gets MESSY.  I can't wait! 

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Bachelor Arie: HOMETOWNS: Arie gets GRILLED by the COOK SHACK

LOVERS!

Monday night gave us one of every Bachelor fan's favorite episodes, hometowns.  The 2 hour spectacle in which 4 newly-minted couples (from a group that totals 5 people) take their love off the road and back home for Mom + Dad + every random aunt or uncle within the state to gather 'round and scrutinize.  This episode took Pasty Snooze Arie from Los Angeles, CA to Weiner, AR to Minneapolis, MN and finally to Virginia Beach, VA.  Then back to Los Angeles to turn one lucky into an Instagram celebrity/Bachelor In Paradise participant!  Who was the lucky gal who avoided Arie's grasp?  We'll soon find out!

The commercials made it seem as if every family would DETEST Arie and lemme tell ya, I was ready for it.

First up was Kendall, a native Angelino, who dressed up in a daisy duke romper (contrasted with Arie's dark jeans, plain navy T-shirt) and took him to a "taxidermy room" also known as a terrifying storage shed chock full of dead animals that are pumped full of glue!

Actual photo of Kendall and Arie on their date

Kendall shares the great news that they will be "mounting" their own taxidermy--is "mounting" what they call it in the 'Dermy World? In my day, "mounting" was more about hooking up and less about dead animal skins, but what do I know?

Arie and Kendall "mount" these dead animal skins and I have seen some bizarre and occasionally gross stuff on The Bachelor before,  but NOTHING like this.  Arie and Kendall mount some rats and I'm sure they picked an animal that most Americans find disgusting to avoid controversy (am I overthinking?) then they put their dead rats into FORMALWEAR and placed them in a diorama of PARIS by moonlight.  HOW IS ANY OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!?



Kendall tells Arie that he'll be meeting her parents, her brother Colton (of COURSE kid's name is Colton) and her twin sister Kiley who "reads really heavily on energy." Away we go!

They all sip wine over a kitchen island that has been decorated to resemble a table and before you can say, "is a kitchen island really that much better on camera than a real table," Kendall and her mother have zipped off to their family walk-in jewelry closet (HUH?) to "DISH" (in the words of Kendall's lovely mama).  Meanwhile, Kiley rocks a pink, silk robe and 1997-style Steve Madden slides (DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THOSE?), plus giant hoops and seems unimpressed by Arie.  Kendall and Kiley have a sister chat among the beads and all that matters is that BOTH gals rock a mean liquid liner cat eye. Energy reader Kiley says that this relationship isn't "undeniable" at the same time that Kendall's dad tells Arie that Kendall isn't likely to accept a proposal. Wheee! I LOVE THIS FAMILY. They say goodbye to the family and once Kendall and Arie are alone, she admits that she kisses him in order to avoid "emotion" (or is it in order to avoid SEEING his FACE?) but Arie does that, too, so they're either a perfect match or a couple who will kiss their way through divorce court someday.

Up next is Tia's hometown of Weiner, Arkansas and you know I'm pro-Razorback because I have lots of relatives in Arkansas, plus I have visited many times.  The Arkansas accent is my favorite version of the southern accent and sweet Tia has got it.

Arie and Tia meet up at a dirt road race track because Bachelor Producers are desperate to remind Bachelor Nation that Arie was allegedly, at one point, somewhat cool.  They cruise around and both say "you did so good" which made Bachelor Nation's small neighborhood, Grammar Gulch, retch into a bag.  Over drinks in the bed of a truck (my kind of date), Tia tells Arie that he'll be meeting her parents, brother, aunt, and cousin.

Soon they are at Tia's parents' one floor house (so many one floor houses this year!) and Arie has flowers and a gift of the family. Sweet Tia breaks out in tears upon seeing her mother, which tugged at my heartstrings.  Once they are settled over a plate of pigs in a blanket (no joke), Tia tells a heartwarming tale of this one time when someone ELSE got the rose THEN Tia got the rose. Ahhh, love among the harem. Tia's Dad Kenny proposes a toast to Tia and "Air-ey" before he and brother Jason take Arie out back to sit in front of the "COOK SHACK" (is that just a sorta BBQ building? Like a pool house but only for meats?) to "grill him" (PUN INTENDEEEEEY!) about his reputation as a slut--err--the "Kissing Bandit."  Arie charms them each by saying that he USED to be a slut--err--Kissing Bandit--when he was you and, I dunno, maybe handsome???? (But like, probably not handsome EVER, let's be honest) BUT that NOW he's ready to settle down and Tia is strong, honest, and cool.  Both men LOVE HIM after that!  Welp, that was easy!

Meanwhile, Tia and her mother talk about how you need to learn some lessons in life and "if those hadn't gone so wrong, then this wouldn't be going so right" and I hope they form a country music duo with writing like that.  Once AREY and Tia are alone outside, she tells Arie that she's in love with him, drops an F bomb, and sends him on his way. Oh Tia, you are MUCH too cool for this jag.

Next stop is Minneapolis, Minnesota where Arie meets up with Becca "LET'S DO THE DAMN THING! I LIKE EXCLAIMING THINGS! DOESN'T IT MAKE ME SEE LIKE A FREE SPIRIT?" K. in a frozen apple orchard!! They talk about Becca's late father, pick apples and whip them into a target via slingshot, carve "B+A" into a tree stump, then head out to Prior Lake to meet Becca's family.

Becca's family is made up of mostly elderly men, one of whom is Uncle Garry who DON'T TAKE NO MESS, Arie.  Uncle Garry talks about Becca's late father and says that he and his crew are Becca's guard dogs and asks if Becca is the "real deal" to him. Arie responds that yes, she is, which is essentially what he tells EVERY FAMILY during his 4 stop hometown tour.

We watch the standard hometown situation--family is skeptical at first but Arie manages to SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, despite his lack of charisma and looks, charm them, then drive off into the night. Before he leaves, Becca exclaims, "SEE YA SOON, YA STUD MUFFIN" and good Lord it's like watching an awkward 5th grader try to learn how to flirt.  Please stop.

Arie's final stop on the tour is Virginia Beach, VA where Lauren greets Arie on the boardwalk with the required, fun, jump, straddle maneuver.  Lauren looks cute, which is smart since that's most of what she has to offer, and Arie's choice of a light blue button-down was VERY UNWISE cause (a) it's an unflattering color on him (but, well, what color IS NOT unflattering on him?), but larger issue (b) it shows pit stains!! And you are about to PIT HARD, Pasty Snooze!

At Lauren's family's beautiful brick home (is that design what they call Georgian? What do I know?), Lauren's mom is as poker face as Lauren and Lauren's dad seems to hate any male who doesn't play golf or have a military background. Wheeeee!! Sadly, Arie is AGAIN able to charm them (well, the dad at least) by mentioning that he went to Iraq to hang out with soldiers one time.  Lauren and Arie both insist that their connection is from the fact that they are SO similar and it's true--they are both EXCEEDINGLY dull! A match made in SNOOZE HEAVEN!  They kiss goodbye and soon it's time to hear back to Los Angeles for a good, old fashioned TV dumping!

The ladies are done up--Becca in a light red, one shoulder dress and delicate gold jewelry (love it), Kendall in a royal blue dress that's got a major V cut out by the boobs (love it), Tia in a white dress that feels like a tribute to the Winter Olympics (don't love it, but she looks great), Lauren in a black dress with sheer panels (love it).  Arie arrives in a dark suit, grey tie, and confused look on his face.  This fucking guy.

The ladies line up and before Arie commences with rose distribution, he pulls Kendall aside and at that point, I am SURE that he's going to send her home. That is THE MOVE, man. Be like, "can I talk to you?" then DROP KICK THEM but in a nice way where you don't make them watch a rose ceremony.  BUT NO.  Kendall talks to him about how she is feeling, that she wants to keep seeing him, but she has some walls up.  Then they got BACK to the line-up! Wah!??!!? Duuuuude.

OK, so roses get handed out like so:
-Becca - LET'S DO THE DAMN THING, AM I RIGHT??!??!?!? HAHAHHH I'M FUN!! RIGHT RIGHT?  AM I NOT A GIRL WHO SEEMS SORTA UNPREDICTABLE BUT NOT IN, LIKE, A TERRIFYING WAY?????
-Lauren - some still waters run deep, but some still waters are just profoundly boring, ya know?
-Kendall - Arie wants a lifetime of liquid liner and bead closets and, really, who can blame him?

So sweet, beautiful, cool as shit Tia is heading back to Arkansas to start posting Instagram stories about free junk she gets from fledgling personal care product companies.  She looks STUNNED and cries hard and I don't blame her.  They sit down on a bench and she asks what she did wrong, says she put herself out there, then she says THE BEST line I have heard in a while, "tell me SOMETHING."  Yeah girl.  I relate to that.  Shockingly, Arie says something that's also quite meaningful: "it's not about your worth--it's about the emotion between two people."  AMEN, PASTY SNOOZE.

Tia cries in the back o f the limo and in the preview for next week, we see that a disgruntled ex is about to drop in BUT FIRST, we have back to back BACH next week!  Sunday night will be Women Tell All and then Monday night is SEX EP aka Fantasy Suite. I'm fired up! Whose ex-BF do you think is dropping in? Lauren's? The dude has a southern accent, it seems--who could it be!? Also I can't WAIT for Women Tell All! KRYSTAL will be IN THE HOUSE!!