Bachelorette Clare Ep 3: Tunnel Vision

In Bachelor Nation, we like to joke that Chris Harrison claims that THIS SEASON is the most dramatic season yet and he says that EVERY SEASON but THIS time around, he might be right. 

I don't think I quite have it in me to write a traditional recap (general Pandy Times anxiety, weird tension I have had in my neck and calf since early voting started, my personal worry that I'll have to wait in line 3.5 hours to vote--the standard time at my polling place--and won't have access to a bathroom at all) SO, I'll just share my hot takes with you, dear reader. 

YOSEF 

Oh dude, fuck you. Fuuuuck you. As of this episode, Yosef has attended 2 pre-rose ceremony cocktail parties and he has completely derailed each one.  He approaches Clare looking for a fight (which is always a bad look and a style of engagement that truly makes me fearful of the guy), demands an audience with her, then trots out his prepared remarks about the strip dodgeball game (an activity that he DID NOT DO! He was not on that date! And THIS is why! Producers actually DO pay attention to who will enjoy what date activity).  He says how this experience is so hard for him BECAUSE HE HAS A DAUGHTER and ever moment he is in Palm Springs, he is not with his daughter.  Yes, that is how time works, guy.  EVERYONE left their lives behind for this and you don't have any MORE important or worthy things that you are missing than anyone else does.  If you feel like this is a waste of time, you can bounce!  You don't need to ream Clare out for some BIG, TRIUMPHANT exit.  Because it may be big, but it's not triumphant.  Every sentence he said came off as needlessly cruel and VERY angry.  He strikes me as a guy who is unhappy with his own life choices and he can't bring himself to look inward, so he lashes out at others, and, specifically, at women.  I can't wait to see if they do a MEN TELL ALL special and the way that this guy shows his face in public again. 

He says "remember, you're almost 40, Clare" and makes repeated snide comments that she's THE OLDEST BACHELORETTE EVER as if that's something to be ashamed off.  Men like him, when scared, will always fall back on the standard misogyny insult line: she's old, she's crazy.  He taps into a major insecurity ("everyone here is just appeasing you") and essentially gets chased out by the other men--men who are gentlemen and all say that he was out-of-line and completely inappropriate.  My heart really went out to Clare as she was fighting with Yosef--that argument got DIRTY and MEAN and I know how it feels to be completely ON YOUR OWN and you have to defend yourself to a grown man who is screaming at you and insulting you.  It's terrifying.  

After all that, Dale comforts Clare especially well, and of course he does: he has 4 sisters and was raised by women!  Honestly, dudes like that are usually SUPER perceptive to how a woman might be feeling.  Throughout the episode, Dale refers to "verbal abuse" and the way those insults stay on your mind and leave scars and I was screaming, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, DALE!"  More on Dale later. 

Worth noting: Riley knew that Yosef sucked from the start and was vocal that Yosef sucks.  Points for Riley. 

Clare goes away for a while to collect herself, then conducts a delayed rose ceremony that is pretty standard stuff.  Three guys are sent home: a dude with very tall hair, a guy with a sorta snake-ish look, and Garin, college Professor (USC!) and journalist who I have been rooting for because he seems super solid and his Instagram is lovely.  What a loss! 

Throughout this episode, things didn't run on schedule--did you notice that as a recurring theme?  The rose ceremony was LATE at night b/c of the Yosef drama. Then the next day, a crew of guys are ready to go for a daytime group date and they are given NO information on when they will be leaving, so are stuck waiting in the living room, "ready to go" for HOURS!  Finally Clare shows up and is like, "we'll just do a cocktail party, OK?"  Why not tell them that hours back?  Dudes could nap or chill or swim!  

While the dudes were stuck waiting around, Clare and DeAnna (former Bachelorette 12 years back) chat about the guys and Clare is ALL DALE, ALL DAY.  Normally these "look, we're friends!" conversations happen, and the protagonist will gush over a few of the guys, plus DeAnna might have a chance to hang out with them poolside.  But instead, Clare talks about how it was love-at-first-sight with Dale, how she sleeps with his pants over her face (I AM NOT KIDDING), and mentions no one else in the harem of dudes. 

At the start of the group date that night, Dale gives a semi-patronizing speech (which Riley hilariously calls a "Band of Brothers" speech) and initiates a group hug and it all just feels like, dude are you a fellow contestant here or are you the new Chris Harrison?  I think that Dale IS smart about how people are feeling and he's attempting to create a feeling of community BUT it's not his job to do that, it sorta usurps Clare's position, and it's condescending as hell to the other guys! 

Clare and Dale walk off hand-in-hand to talk ("just 5 minutes!" Dale had claimed) and rather than remaining in the outdoor area on a bench or something, they go off TO HER PLACE and, specifically, to her BEDROOM for ALMOST AN HOUR.  ALMOST AN HOUR!! Good Lord!  Look, I am a Bachelor die-hard and I waste SO much brain space with stupid minutiae about this damn franchise, its traditions and characters, but this is not OK and not normal.  YET ALSO I can totally get why Clare is falling for Dale so hard!  He is super handsome but more than that, he's supportive, thoughtful, and tender with her.  For many, many years I dated so many dudes and casual dating, or even not-so-casual dating can leave you defensive and lonely.  I got stood up a few times, insulted, ghosted, mislead, and humiliated and it really made me defensive toward ANY guy, which made it even harder to let a good one in.  So when you find a good one and he serves up the catnip of "I'm proud of you" and "I have your back," you're going to jump in HARD.  BUT I wish that Clare had a bit more confidence in herself, which I think would enable her to appreciate Dale's affection, but also keep DALE on his toes by flirting with and paying attention to the other men.  

I blame the destruction of this season on 2 things: Clare and The Producers.  Clare is off-the-rails, never seemed to have a fully open mind and open heart to non-Dale participants, and she is being disrespectful to these guys who left a lot back at home to be here (you still suck, though, Yosef).  And The Producers aren't wrangling her well enough. Dates are running late or not even happening and the Bachelorette is wandering off for hours at a time.  This season is difficult and unprecedented: they are stuck at this resort and really cannot GO anywhere, DO anything, or interact with other people, so I have sympathy for how the team behind the show is SCRAMBLING and dealing with unpredictable issues. That said, the Producers need to control this and force Clare to spend more time with each guy.  I felt like Chris Harrison talking with Clare 1:1 (start of episode) and DeAnna talking to her were moves to try and get a sense of WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? 

Once the other guys on the group date pried Clare and Dale apart, some guys started having 1:1 time with her and then we see a clip of Clare asking the Producers, "can we kind hurry the rest along?" which is a BAD LOOK for Clare, and very duplicitous of the show to air (so, par for the course).  I think that the show wants to expose Clare at this point.  During Jojo's season, they were able to sort of hide Jojo's obvious crush on Jordan because Jojo had SOME interest in the other guys. With Clare, the Producers can't hide it b/c Clare talks about Dale constantly.  

Riley, Eazy, Chasen, and Jason all gave Dale some grief for how he behaved and I appreciate those guys for it.  Jason went FULL LONG ISLAND when he literally said, "you think you're better than me?" to Dale and flipped off the camera.  Jason, are you sure you're from Long Island and not Boston?? 

The next day, Zach J. (aka FART BOX) has a 1:1 date and it's hard to watch because he's so hopeful and naive.  Gosh this season has SO MANY additional, odd layers happening and it's FASCINATING to watch and keeps the franchise fresh and unpredictable, but it's truly VERY cruel to these men.  Zach J. comes off as very sweet and likable during this date, if a bit simple?  They get pedicures, Clare reveals that she's not at all ticklish (weird?), then they go swimming and KISSGATE goes down.  Lord did you see that bizarro kiss attempt/abort?? They were swimming and Clare went to get out of the pool and leaned in to kiss Zach J and she leaned in 80% toward him and I expected him to pop up that last 20% but he just STOOD THERE and did NOTHING, so Clare high-tailed it outta there in a cloud of uncomfortable giggles and "let's get ready for dinner" requests.  Again, and I DO feel bad for Clare here as she navigate these feelings, but when you aren't just relaxed and curious about a guy, but rather feeling a bit wounded or defensive or unexcited, then you take a chance like leaning in for a kiss, it makes the perceived rejection TEN TIMES WORSE.  Oh man I have walked this road.  My old roommate Liz used to tell me that I had a tendency to perceive EVERYTHING as rejection (and then she handed me START WHERE YOU ARE by Pema Chodron and saved my life) and I see Clare doing there here, too, somewhat.  

I think that Clare is feeling wounded by a few of the men and she perceives Dale as her supportive, safe place to land, and all of the other guys are just collateral damage. 

Of course, there IS no dinner after all.  Poor Fart Box gets cleaned up and then sits there waiting for Clare to arrive for diner, but Chris Harrison shows up and sends him home instead.  Again, UNPRECEDENTED.  I don't think that Chris has EVER doing the sending home in this way.  I would think that it's a breach of contract, to be specific.  And that leads me to the end of this show/season: I think the issue ends up being that by disregarding the other men and not participating in many dates and such, Clare is breaching her contract with ABC.  And my hunch is that while she WANTS to simply be with Dale, she ends up being upset when Chris Harrison/the Producers are like, "we cannot continue this season and you are breaching your contract."  

The back half of this episode features a Bachelorette Roast (with guest star Margaret Cho who RULES) during which, every guy GOES IN ON Dale (who is in the audience since they are all trapped in this bonkers hellscape resort) but no one goes in harder than Old Timey Oil Baron, Bennett.  Bennett KILLED me here!  Way to go, dude.  You're more than just a Harvard jag! 

In a move that we standups call "every bachelorette party who shows up at a comedy show," Clare insists that she wants the guys to "come at me with some good material" then leaves the show practically in tears.  She feels defensive for Dale over all those roast jokes and then refers to him as her "fiancee" to Producers and I thiiiiink we're done here.  During the afterparty, Clare spends the entire night asking each non-Dale guy what they think of Dale and the guys are finally seeing the writing on the wall and are understandably pissed.  Well, everyone sees it except for Bennett who talks to Boy Band Manager Kenny (does Kenny own a single shirt that isn't open to his belly button??) and he insists that, "No, no, Clare is open to us!  She has an open heart."  Oh Bennett--you're that classic dude who is book smart but real world DUMB.  Not everything is a theoretical construct to be studied abstractly--some things are FELT and just perceived, if you have the skills to do so.  

Clare and her yellow, sparkly dress sit there among the guys and she clutches the date rose at a bizarrely high height (eye line for the camera I guess?), but Clare opts NOT TO GIVE IT TO ANY OF THEM, saying that they didn't give her QUITE what she needed that night and PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!! My heart is breaking for ALL of these guys, even dolt Bennett!! 

In a clip that will be used for generations to come as an example of the extreme danger of excessive self-love, Clare then does a talking head clip in which she PRESENTS THE ROSE TO HERSELF and is proud of herself for loving herself or not accepting bad treatment or some other such slight that she has convinced herself is happening, even though every guy there WANTED to treat her right and be with her, but she wouldn't let them.  It's a fascinating thing to watch, the way that people craft a narrative for who they are and how they get treated, and process every moment or interaction through that lens.  Perception is reality, baby, and if you are convinced that every guy is no good and doing you wrong, then, well, every guy will be no good and do you wrong.  

Next Tuesday, the shit goes down on The Bachelorette (to say nothing of the Presidential election) and I won't be watching until Wednesday because my BF and I are going out for his birthday that Tue.  My BF is the Dale to my Clare, ya know?  Hahaha what a bad metaphor!  

So the episode ends with Chris Harrison telling Clare that she blew up The Bachelorette, Clare being kicked out of the resort (it seems?), and Bachelor all-star knockout rad chick TAYSHIA springing out of a pool in a bikini!!! 

THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER!!

Bachelorette Clare Ep 2: Too Much Too Soon!

Hello, lovebugs! 

I'm back but late with this recap.  But what is "late" really? I write these for fun! There's no deadline! 

OK anyhoo. Last night's episode of The Bachelorette was... very intense.  We are only on WEEK 2 and already, Clare is trying to dig up HEAVY duty childhood trauma out of Jason (poor guy), encouraging competitiveness among the men, and processing a lot of her own issues on TV.  I don't think all of this is BAD, per se, it's just intense and somewhat unprecedented. 

Clare and the Boyz are at their resort in Palm Springs and most of the date and challenges take place during the nighttime, I imagine, because it's just so damn hot and bright out there in the daytime. I give the Producers a lot of credit--they are somewhat limited in date activities because of the pandemic, and they get creative with the spaces they have.  

The first date is a group date and the crew is Riley (yes!), Jordan, Yosef (woof), Ivan (cute), Ben (also cute), Bennett (50-something oil baron posing as a single, 30-something), Zach C (is growing on me somehow?), Zach J (Fart Ring), and Dale (of course).  The date is all about Love Languages, so the boys and Clare (who is in heels and shorts which is a CLUTCH look) say words of affirmation, explore physical touch, and gifts. Not a bad afternoon! 

Clare is thrilled to hear all of these kind words from the guys (she stands on a bizarro indoor Juliet balcony and they compliment her from below which was odd) but the whole exercise felt like "too much too soon" which I suppose is a theme for this entire season.  

The funniest scene of the show had to be when the group date guys BOLTED back to their rooms to get gifts for Clare and the rest of the crew playfully mocked them from the pool.  Dale's pants ripped, Bennett got made fun of, Garin imitated a funny walk, and Easy makes everything so much fun. 

At the Love Language Group Date afterparty, Clare was rocking a blue, one strap dress with an exposed zipper in the back and what is it about an exposed zipper!? I love them so! She did the classic Bachelorette arrival, plop down among the guys, have a toast, talk about the day, and then everyone sort of sat there until she PRODDED one of the guys to grab her and take her away for 1:1 conversation.  Of all people, Old Timey Tycoon BENNETT stepped up to the plate (God bless) and they walked away, but after just a few moments, Clare asked him to sit tight so that she could go back to the crew and dress them down for not grabbing her!! GIRL!  What is going on here?  This is NOT a good look and here are my thoughts: 

1. This show JUST started. This was group date #1 and I think these guys aren't fully into "man against man" stuff right now. They are all psyched to be AMONG OTHER GUY after weeks and weeks of quarantining. Don't take it personally if they aren't stabbing one another in the back just yet! 

2. When you talk about how awkward things are, you make them more awkward, Clare. Instead of being like, "is someone going to grab me?" you could have kept a group conversation going, asked some questions to the guys. 

3. That whole incident made Clare seem difficult and a lil dramatic, to be honest. And I hate to say that b/c I really dig her, but I think she should let the guys dive in when they feel comfortable pulling her aside. No guy wants to be TOLD "come after me," ya know? 

So she yells at the guys and then gets her wish (Dale whisks her away for 1:1 make-out time) and POOR BENNETT!! Is the dude sitting on a couch somewhere being like, "is Clare coming back?" hahhahah! What a mess. 

Oh, before Dale takes her away, some of the guys chime in and Yosef (who sucks) says that Clare is "crazy to think" that they aren't into her. Pro Tip, Yosef: don't call a woman crazy. Calling women "crazy" or "psycho" is the most favorite move of awful men. Avoid it. And don't "speak for the group" either. 

Oh also, Clare talks about how she went on Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor to escape an abusive relationship and that in telling off Juan Pablo at the end of that nightmarish season (nightmarish because Juan Pablo SUUUUUCKS), she found herself.  She and Riley have a super cute dance and he lands the group date rose. 

The next day is the first 1:1 and Jason is the man of the hour. He's the dude who wore a fake pregnancy stomach on the first night and who has an "exotic" Long Island/New Hampshire accent, whatever that is.  She asks him to write a letter to his younger self before their FIRST DATE and HOLY MOLY what is going on here!?! I am a BIG fan of therapy and have processed a lot of shame, trauma, life stuff with 3 different therapists over the years, but I do NOT think that a FIRST DATE is the time to dive into family issues, trauma, and shame. And definitely not a first date that is ON TELEVISION. Yiiii.  Jason handled everything beautifully, though, rolling with the punches of the date and being vulnerable.  Bravo, Jason!  I hope your parents don't disown you after you told all of America that their marriage is NOT healthy and that you sleep around to avoid vulnerability! 

The Forced Intimacy In Joshua Tree tour wraps up with Clare BURNING the dress that she wore when Juan Pablo sent her home from his season of The Bachelor 6 years ago and I can see why this is cathartic for Clare, but why is Jason even present for this!? So much of this date felt like closure exercises FOR CLARE. For his evening spent screaming into the void in Joshua Tree National Park, Jason got a rose. 

The next day is a Strip Dodgeball game group date and COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET SOME HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AROUND HERE? The whole thing was "sweaty fun" and by that I mean, "somewhat humiliating for everyone involved" and that includes the guys NOT on the date! When the blue team returned to the suite, defeated and holding their dicks, the rest of the guys had to sit with them and watch the throw pillows get covered in dick sweat. What is going on here!? 

Meanwhile the red team gets quality time with Clare, during which Chasen convinces me that he's a martian. He refers to himself in high school as a "hermit crab" and then says that he has "the goosebumps." Dude, the saying is a "hermit" and "goosebumps" (no THE). Are you an alien? 

Blake has finally stopped holding his dick long enough to shower, get dressed, comb his too-long beard, and show up at the afterparty that he's not invited to. Showing up at a party you weren't invited to? What are you, ME and SUZANNE during high school summers at backyard parties throughout Wayland??? ZIIIING US!! When you're hot, they let you do it! Wheeeee!!! Blake pisses off the dudes WHO ACTUALLY WON, get negged by Clare, and wanders off. 

Brandon, the bland but traditionally hot dude from Cleveland OH, attempts to talk to Clare but his claims that he went on the show "for her" ring false when the ONLY thing he knows about her is that she's beautiful.  I understand Clare's annoyance at that, but AGAIN, it felt like she made a mountain out of a molehill and made shit weird by sending him home! I get that she doesn't want to waste time and she knows what she wants, but why not learn a bit more about him before you decide he sucks? I dunno. Chasen, the alien attempting to learn about Earthling culture, gets the rose and his alien overlords back on Mars must be THRILLED!! 

Back at the suite, Yosef is referring to a date he wasn't on as "classless" and saying that it "left a bad taste in my mouth" which is rich coming from a dude who was macking on Insta chicks mere weeks ago. Yosef seems like a profoundly angry person who was probably a total womanizer, louse in his younger days but NOW THAT HE HAS A DAUGHTER he is ALL righteousness, all the time.  Do you know the type of guy I mean?  I think he will show his entire ass next week (METAPHORICALLY) and try to age shame Clare. 

But before this episode can end with a cliffhanger, we have a cocktail party to start!  Blake has cut his beard somewhat, so he looks less Amish and more "I'm living in my van for a couple a weeks while I get some shit sorted" and Clare pulls him aside to give him a rose after negging him HARD a mere night before. Clare looks gorgeous, as usual, in a sparkly floor-length silver dress, big earrings, and cleavage for days.  

So now the men with roses are Chasen (alien here to gain data on humans), Jason (open wound of newfound vulnerability), Riley (Boys II Men superfan but if only the show had licensed their music), and Beard Boi Blake. 

Tragically, the episode ends there and leaves us wondering WHO screams at Clare about being the oldest Bachelorette ever (probably Yosef b/c he's unhappy with his life choices and he's wading through some major self hatred and projecting it onto the men and Clare), and who will be Clare's next candidate for fireside therapy! We'll find out next week as Palm Springs Therapy House continues!! 

Bachelorette Clare: Ep 1: Nasal Swabs + Bare Ankles

Pussycats! 

I just finished watching an episode of The Bachelorette and tweeting some tweets while drinking wine and laughing and for 2 hours, it almost felt as if we aren't living through a global pandemic!!  Life felt somewhat normal!  It wasn't a show filmed via Zoom!!  There was not a mask in sight!  I am truly FLOATING right now!  

Obviously, the current global pandemic was mentioned throughout the show and we watched these sweet guys quarantine solo in Palm Springs for 14 damn days, get Covid tested, and while away the boredom, but after that, it felt like any old Bachelorette season and I'm so glad. 

Speaking of "old," I am bracing myself for a season of ageism because Clare Crawley, the brave smoke show who will date 30+ men at one time while living in a Palm Springs bungalow (MY DREAM) is 39, so this is what Bachelor Nation meanies might call a "geriatric season." I, for one, am THRILLED to have a grown woman in the driver's seat: she has been around the block with this franchise (Juan Pablo's season, 2 season of Bachelor In Paradise), has a fantastic career as a colorist, has gobs of friends and interests, and truly wants love and marriage soon.  YES!  

Clare moves to Pam Springs, has a few Covid tests and isolation time, and before we know it, she is all dressed up and chatting with Chris Harrison in a candle-filled room just before the 1st night. WE ARE BACK, BABY! 

Real quick: I LOVED Clare's look. Gunmetal is one of my favorite dress colors and the reflective, textured beads at the top which faded down to a filmy bottom with a slit up the side--it was dreamy. 

I loved this conversation: they spoke candidly about who she was when she dated infamous Bachelor cad Juan Pablo, how she has grown, the hardships she has faced and her ability to stay hopeful through it all.  She reveals that when she joined the cast of The Bachelor that first go-round, she had just left an abusive relationship. Chris asks if Clare has anything to say to that young girl getting out of the limo to meet Juan Pablo all those years ago and she says, "I'm proud of you for trying again." I LOVE THIS. I suspect this overarching theme will be beaten like a dead horse this season, but for now I really love the spirit of finding PRIDE in taking some licks, having some disappointments, and showing up anyway. It reminded me of 2003 when I lived in Chicago and worked as a paralegal at a law firm where my attorney would scream swears at me throughout the day. I was broke, young, depressed, and literally AFRAID of this attorney.  I'd cry in the bathroom at work at least 1x/day but every day, I showed up. My parents were so proud of me--they knew that I was going through an awful situation and the job was such an abusive place, but that I showed up. In retrospect, this is a story about workplace abuse and I HAD to show up b/c I was broke as HELL which is a sad state of events, BUT THE POINT IS: there's power in showing up.  Clare's "showing up" is like previous Bachelorette Rachel's "keeping it 100." I love pithy, motivational phrases! 

Let's get down to the dudes and the DRAMZ! 

We had immediate drama between Tyler C. (dude who rolled up in a station wagon saying he wants to fill up the station wagon with kids which is sweet, I guess, but felt a little Try-Hard for my taste) and Yosef (who mentioned that he has a daughter and it has given him a better perspective on/more tenderness for women which is a RED FLAG that stupid, bad guys always think is smart thing to say).  Tyler should have held his tongue about this situation until later in the season. And what even WAS the thing he was talking about? Yosef reached out to a girl Tyler knows and sent a video that was friendly but a cheesedick move b/c it seemed like a mass text video? And this video was sent recently, so it seems like Yosef isn't "here for the right reasons" (copyright Bachelor Nation)?  Either way, in a situation like this, the 'ole "whoever smelt it, dealt it" rule usually applies which is that whoever introduces the tension/drama (Tyler) is somehow blamed for it and sent home. And so it went! Let this be a lesson to you would-be Bach contestants at home!! 

Clare has some HOTTIES in the mix, and strangely, 2 different guys named Blake M. which feels like a joke written by a statistician.  Truly, what are the chances?  In the mix, she has quite a few former pro football players (ummm hi), some SUPER chic, tailored suits, and we saw SO many bare ankles! I was LOVING these lewks! 

The entrances were the usual mix of straightforward dudes coming out of limos like a damn clown car of hotties, plus some fun ones: Eazy jumped through a "Your Future Husband" sign which was so cute and hilarious and I adore him already; Jay a Fitness Instructor wore a straighjacket to show that he's "crazy about Clare (woof) and KEPT IT ON THE ENITRE NIGHT LIKE A COMPLETE... well... crazy person. Props to you for staying SO on-brand, Jay! Bennett (who mentioned that he's a Harvard grad within his first 30 seconds on-screen) rolled up in a Rolls Royce wearing a long, white scarf with a suit that is popular with old timey titans of industry.  

Before I tally off who be remaining in the Bachelor Bubble and who was sent home to quarantine for another however-many months then move to Nashville, TN, as every Bach reject is required to do, let's talk about timing. 

From articles I have read online, it seems as if they started filming the show in SOME way before they had to halt production because of Covid. Had Clare met a bunch of the guys? Had they already done first-night arrivals at the old Bachelor mansion? But wait, wasn't the old Bachelor mansion burned in the California wildfires!?!? I cannot keep up with the twists and turns! 

But here is my theory: they had started filming and maybe even gotten through a few days worth, then had to halt. I suspect that Clare had really connected with Dale and Blake Moynes already, based on her interaction with them this go-round.  They halted for a while but then came up with the Palm Springs, 2-weeks-isolation plan and not every guy who had started could make it back to California. SO, rather than attempt to cobble together a Frankenstein version of a season or a cast, they asked anyone from Cast #1 to just launch into the Palm Springs filming as if it was THE FIRST TIME!! Just act as if you have never met Clare, start fresh, and THIS is the season.  Is my theory insane?  I just feel like with a few of the guys tonight, there was a familiarity already. Blake messaged her on FB during quarantine (even though it was against the rules) and I just wonder, would he have done that if he didn't know her AT ALL yet? Also her conversation with Dale felt VERY familiar. Dale seemed to be asking about Clare's mother but he already knew about her, ya know? Anyway--that is my theory but I don't think that ABC or Bachelor producers would want to reveal THAT much of a "behind-the-curtain" breakdown, ya know? So everyone just acts like they are meeting for the first time! 

OK so who was given a rose and who spent 2 weeks in a Palm Springs motel room for no reason? The 1st impression rose was given to Dale (SEE MY THEORY ABOVE) and then the flowers were doled out as follows: 

-Blake Moynes: The guy who messaged her illegally and who I'm convinced was part of Ghost Season Never To Be Discussed. Dude has an Amish looking beard thing going on, but that's not awful?

-Eazy: I LOVE this guy. His pink, 3-piece suit was a bold and sexy choice, his body is fantastic, and he seems extremely real, self-effacing, cool.  I hope he goes far. 

-Ben: Forgettable white guy who was 1st out of the limo and they took a breath together. Fine, I guess. 

-Riley: I don't recall much about him except a grey suit.

-Zach J: Or as I call him "butt thing in a box." When he first met Clare, he got down on one knee and held up a ring box that, upon opening, reveals a tiny ceramic butt and fart noises. Dude, grow up. I know that you think this is funny and memorable and I guess it IS memorable, but it's just too crass for my taste. I could get on board with a ceramic butt in a ring box (don't ask), but the fart noise is just GROSS. She seems to like 'ole Butt Thing In a Box, though! 

-Tyler S: My notes say "nerdy looking white dude." 

-Joe: Bowtie-wearing origami maker who seems very fun and silly and sweet. Thumbs up. 

-Jason: Dude who explained his accent as though he was from some far-off, exotic land and not LONG ISLAND. Has Clare seriously never met a guy from Long Island? Could be. He's energetic and fun, though, so I give him credit. 

-Demar: A handsome, warm guy who ONLY had their straight-outta-the-limo interaction so I'm impressed he's still here! Dude makes a great first impression! 

-Jason: Dude in a striped tie who arrived via giant bubble ball. I wish I were kidding. 

-Jordan C: glasses, no drama. 

-Blake Menard: The 2nd Blake M. of the show and I can't believe both Blakes are like, "sure--I guess on this trash TV show I will go by MY FULL NAME. Want my Soc Security to post in the lower 3rd, too?" Ha! Guy was in a black shirt, black tie, and was SHOWING CHEST like woa. 

-Ken: Boy Band Manager who has TALL hair and, well, looks like a Boy Band Manager. If I were him, I'd say that I'm just a "Band Manager" so people might mistakenly think I'm cool. 

-Brandon: Roof Contractor from Mass who won't be around long, but I'm pulling for him because he's a Masshole and so am I. 

-Garit: Red, 3 piece suit sweetheart. He brought a drawing of Clare made by his niece and won my heart. I hope he goes far! 

-Ed: Guido-style dude who is husky and sweaty and if Selena Circa 2006 were The Bachelorette, this guy would have won on night 1. I KNOW! My taste has matured and so have I! 

-Bennett: I hate to hate someone solely because he's a Wealth Manager who went to Harvard, but it just comes so naturally! On Twitter last night, my old high school pal Jimbo (a Harvard alum) informed me that in the world of finance/being rich, apparently Wealth Managers are a JOKE, which made me laugh. I doubt Bennett will be around too long. 

-Zach C: Light grey suit, sweet guy. Sometimes my notes are useless. 

-Jay: Straightjacket guy!! I wish she had sent him home because watching a guy cry during his exit interview in a straightjacket is just AMAZING TELEVISION!  Check him out serving creepy lewks: 

-Brandon: conventionally attractive guy with a strong jawline, nice suit. Hot Boring. 

-Ivan: cutie who made a wonderful first impression by quoting his mother. 

-Yosef: Ugh. So I guess we have found the Parian of the season, or at least the house shit-stirrer. I can't wait to hear more about how he respects women now that he financially supports one! 

So who went home? 

-Jeremy: banker from DC who seemed VERY earnest and sweet. 

-Page: guy with strange facial hair and SO MANY TATTOOS which I can dig but combined with his frame and facial hair, it felt very Carnival Worker. 

-Tyler: dude who introduced the drama with Yosef. Sorry, man. "When you point out drama in someone else, you have 3 fingers pointing back at YOU and saying that YOU are drama" as the old saying goes. 

-AJ: Software salesman who wore a red suit and made Clare twirl as soon as he met her, then gripped her hands so hard that she writhed in pain. He gave me REAL Mystery (the Pick Up Artist) vibes. He said that his friends joke that he makes a bad first impression and WOW his friends are right! 

-Chasen: walked up in a suit of armor and a layer of sweat. It's Palm Springs, man! This place is HOT! 

-Jordan M: What a loss! This dude rocked a perfectly-tailored, blue suit and was showing ankles for DAYS! He seemed really lovely and I'm disappointed he didn't go farther. 

A few others may have gotten the boot (the dude who brought her cute sandals? Maybe a few other Insurance Brokers from UT or FL?) but it's hard to keep track.  And I'm out of practice with these recaps, pussycats! 

This looks like it will be a drama-filled season and not a standard-length season, either. We shall see. I'm just excited to feel a bit normal for 2 hours on Tuesday (or Monday?) nights. What are your thoughts, dear readers? 

Anybody out there?

 Greetings, readers/friends/enemies/lurkers/jazzy cats! 

It has been EONS since I last posted.  I used to CRANK out Bachelor and Bachelorette recaps religiously and eventually, I just sorta ran out of steam.  This blog has done so many amazing things for me--it's how I got my book deal, it's how many people have found me, it's how I had enough friends know that I'm a part of Bachelor Nation to refer Bachelor-related writing my way and thus I had my work on Gawker (RIP I MISS YOU SO MUCH)--but I put it down for a bit because I was just exhausted.  And the recaps started to feel like an obligation and I felt like my writing was becoming formulaic and predictable.  

And now we're in a nightmare global pandemic and I'm working from the corner of my bedroom and feeling despondent and depressed some days, hopeful and calm other days.  It's all just a lot.  I'm sure it has been for you, dear reader.  I look forward to someday having something to look forward to. 

In early 2020 I was cranking on season 2 of my candle podcast, Two Wick Minimum.  I taught myself how to edit episodes and add opening music, I interviewed a bunch of wonderful candleheads, and I had an episode in the can that I still haven't released.  But then the Covid-19 pandemic hit and I just let myself STOP.  Stop creating, stop brainstorming, stop hustling.  I know many people who have simply been awash in such anxiety and fear, that any creative instinct is just GONE.  Completely.  I spent late March/April/May just trying to get through the day and do my job from this corner of my bedroom.  I have tried to focus on what I can control and not spiral too badly.  I've been doing lots of home improvement projects, cooking a bunch, and burning tons and tons of my beloved candles.  I started dating a wonderful guy in late January and we've been spending tons of time together, which has been a lifesaver.  

I have had no desire to do Zoom standup shows or create ANYTHING.  And I let myself feel those feelings.  I'm a big believer that you need to listen to your instincts and you need fallow periods to slow down and give yourself a break.  I have been running around the streets of NYC from comedy show to comedy show at night while working full time all day since I was 26.  In April, I turned 40 and it feels like a perfect time to switch gears and step away from the performing world (not that there IS performing world right now, but you know what I mean).  I'm proud of the how hard I hustled all those years and all the wonderful shows I created and contributed to and people I met.  

And all of this blathering and navel gazing brings us to: The Bachelorette returns tomorrow night! Yes, it's starting the season on a Tuesday which is BIZARRE because Bach has been my Monday night date for years and years, but whatever--embrace this change, Selena! Roll with it!  The Bachelorette this go-round is Clare and I dig her: she was on Juan Pablo's season and dealt with that louse, so she deserves this!  She's a knockout with a kind heart and she's at the age where she is likely TRULY looking to get married and settle down.  Oh yeah, that's another reason I stopped watching or writing about the show: I just couldn't stomach watching 24-year-olds claim that they are eager to get married.  Give me a break! Your 20s are a time to move around, work a few different jobs, date some ill-advised people, make mistakes, explore, fuck around and find out (am I even using that phrase right? No? OK, thanks).  

I'm going to watch this season and it sounds like there is DRAMA already and I am STARVED for drama these days!  I have no Hot Goss! I have no drama! I need more data for trash talking!! 

And in an effort to gently prod myself back into being creative or just creating, I'm going to plan to write recaps on here.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself about it, but I think that I NEED to give myself some projects and plans.  Maybe I'll write stuff on here just about life, too? This is life now.  We're stuck at home and we have no idea when this will end.  We live a strange limbo and need to do whatever we can to hold tight to hope or enjoy slivers of happiness. And creating makes me happy.  So I'm saying this here for the sake of accountability: I'm going to write recaps here AND even try to get Two Wick Minimum back on track.  We're all doing the best we can and it's important to "set yourself up for success" as my old boss used to say.  I think that creating will make me happy and help me emotionally.  

So, without further ado, let's get back to snarking on reality TV contestants who are clearly never there for the right reasons!! THE BITCH IS BACK (AND THE BITCH IS ME)!

UPDATES from me! Hannah's season, etc.

Greetings, lovebugs!

I sort of fell off at the end of last season, when Colton dropped the 2 remaining ladies who wanted to marry him, and instead, chose to end the season and go back to passive-aggressively attempt to woo Cassie by informing her that he had canceled the whole damn show and ONLY wanted her.

Can you tell that I have mixed feelings about this?

I mean, all's well that ends well, those two crazy, photogenic, blonde kids are together now and happy and seem to be exerting healthy boundaries for a change (did you notice that Colton is NOW saying that he is unwilling to share updates about his virginity? I bet Cassie was like, "hey guy, you can exert a thing called boundaries and you don't owe anyone an update on your personal journey or benchmarks" and bless her for teaching Colton that--I LOVE BOUNDARIES!!!) BUT, I was somewhat put-off by Colton's Hail-Mary move for Cassie (cancelling the ENTIRE show and then showing up at her doorstep). It just felt a bit unfair to Cassie. Colton's showed up at her doorstep just sorta like, "Hey girl! You said that you're not interested in me but I am NOT going to respect your wishes, so here I am, having cancelled the entire damn show and hoping that you will feel pressured and obligated to give me a chance." It all just seemed like a bit much and sort of manipulation.  Anybody else?

Then it was announced that Hannah would be the next Bachelorette: Alabama Hannah (a former pageant girl) who was involved in some DRAMA during her time as a would-be girlfriend of Colton's. BUT, I really liked how well she was able to explain herself to Colton (remember when she took Colton aside and was like, "do you really SEE me? I need to know that, outside of all this strange drama, you understand me and see me.")  She seems self-effacing, silly, she's gorgeous, and she WANTS to get married for sure, so a natural choice as the next Bachelorette.

Last week the show aired a Bachelorette reunion episode and I watched part of it (had to get in a workout first, though, because bikini season is almost here). They showed some clips, revisited former Bachelorettes, and Chris Harrison charmed everybody. As I was watching these clips, I was stunned by how long ago so much of it was. One clip, specially struck me, which was Ashley Herbert accepting JP's proposal--season 7, and in the year 2011.

2011!!

That was 8 years ago! And I recapped it!  In fact, I started writing these recaps even before then, which is insane to me. But it makes sense.  I wrote a book for HarperCollins and it was published in 2013 (THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES which is still on sale somehow) and I got that book deal from this here blog!! Yes, remember when that could happen!? Haha those were some halcyon days in publishing.

For years and years I have loved writing these silly recaps: snarking on people, sharing how much I love a mermaid cut gown, commenting on hair and make-up, joking around about who "didn't come here to make friends," and all that jazz. But as I look back, I'm stunned by how long I have been doing this! Since before 2011! Good Lord!

And, to be totally honest, I'm just not really feeling it anymore. And in some ways, I'm sort of shocked that I'm not feeling it anymore BUT then also, it makes sense: sometimes you're just not that inspired about a project anymore after too long. Not every project needs to be forever and it's important to listen to your own heart: Am I still enjoying this? Does this still serve me? Am I, the writer of this blog HERE for the right reasons (natch).

So my plan for Hannah's season is to tune in to the TV show occasionally if I have a free Monday, maybe live tweet it (@selenacoppock), but not write lengthy recaps any longer.  I may write up a few thoughts/opinions on this blog, but I won't be doing a detailed blow-by-blow as I have in the past. I'm just not that into it anymore and I'm a big believer in knowing when a project has reached its end.

Have you ever heard of Elizabeth Gilbert's BIG MAGIC??  This book is a revelation: everyone should read it.  My sweet pal Giulia introduced me to it.  I'm addicted to this book in the way that I used to be obsessed with Pema Chodron's START WHERE YOU ARE.

BIG MAGIC is a book about creativity, art, inspiration, and so much more. And in BIG MAGIC, Gilbert says how important it is to listen to your inspiration. Perhaps a book that you wanted to write or a project that you wanted to do or a painting you wanted to paint was SO inspiring to you at one point and then you had to set it aside for whatever reason (a move, a job, a life change), then when you pick it back up, the inspiration is simply gone. Or maybe a certain type of inspiration graces you for a few years but then after long enough, you feel drawn to something else. It's a book about giving yourself permission: permission to make art even if you don't think that you are an "artist," permission to set aside a project if it no longer serves you, permission to not demand that your art pay your bills--stuff like that.

That amazing book has made me think about my projects.  I've been doing standup and storytelling for a long time, with other stuff thrown in: recapping The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for years and years, co-hosting a Bach/Bachelorette podcast for a few years, co-hosting a Guns N Roses podcast for a few years, being a tour guide on the Sex & the City bus tour for about 4 years, co-hosting and co-producing a weekly show at Luca Lounge for a few years (goddamn that's a young man's game) before the Dept of Health closed down that venue (classic!), then co-hosting and co-producing a show every 2 weeks then show once a month at a bar in Murray Hill.

And I have taken on new projects and created new things: my album SEEN BETTER DAYS which I released about a year and a half ago (and is available on iTunes, Spotify, Pandora), @NYTVows, my parody Twitter and Instagram account where I pretend to be the New York Times Wedding Section, TWO WICK MINIMUM, my silly and bonkers podcast about candles. And still doing standup and storytelling, plus working full time as a Managing Editor at a publishing house.

So I am giving myself permission to take a left turn and set aside an art project that isn't serving me anymore (is it pretentious as hell to call reality TV recaps an "art project"? Hahah sure it is and I aint ashamed). It was SO much fun for so long, but I just don't have the energy or inspiration anymore.

I hope you all understand and I appreciate all of you for reading my recaps for so long.  I may be posting things here and they may be Bachelor/Bachelorette related, but I just can't dedicate all of the time I used to: 2 hours every Monday night watching and taking notes, then 2-3 hours on Tuesday writing and rewriting a full recap with photos and jokes.  I don't want to keep writing recaps of this show out of a sense of obligation and during Colton's season (and, hell, even before that) it began to feel that way. And that's no fun for anybody.

So this is where we are, pussycats. I appreciate you all and adore you so much and over the years, it has been so fun to host watch parties at QED and meet some of you face-to-face, to read your comments and know that somewhere out there, at the other end of the internet, is another cool assed lady who shares my bewilderment at how anyone does a fishtail braid and deals with her roots growing out while she is stuck living in STD Shack aha The Bachelor mansion.

Please do support my other projects: I'm super proud of and presently inspired by @NYTVows, and my album SEEN BETTER DAYS, and Two Wick Minimum (season 2 coming soon). And hell, come see me live! I update the "gigs" page on my website regularly. And thank you for giving me a crew to talk Bach with--these silly recaps got me a damn book deal and sometimes I pinch myself to think about how much I have done over the years.  But I am excited to follow Elizabeth Gilbert's advice and set aside a project that isn't really inspiring me anymore. As hippy-dippy as it seems, you gotta listen to the universe, and follow your bliss, and right now, those currents are pushing me into new directions.

Thanks for reading this long and much love.

xoxo,
Selena

Bachelorette Becca Finale: NO NO NO NOOOOO BECCA WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!

Hello, lovers!

I'm still shell shocked from last night's finale—are you?  Thankfully, I spent it among Bachelor Nation palz at QED in Astoria where I hosted a watch party and had SUCH A BLAST!! What a treat to meet some readers of this 'ole blog!! Thank you for enjoying my silly asides about my parade of ex-boyfriends, Katya (sp?)!!

The episode kicked off with our man Chris Harrison warning us that this finale was quite possibly "the most emotional finale of all time" and I gotta say NO IT WAS NOT!!!  Ya know what was emotional? When Rachel and Peter broke up because he was unwilling to budge on proposing and Rachel literally CRIED HER FAKE LASHES OFF HER DAMN FACE. Ya know what was emotional? When Brooks (tall drink of water who HAD to have been Mormon) dumped frigging Desiree while he was in the top 3 and she admitted that she was probably going to pick him and she LOST IT. Ya know what was emotional? A few days after THAT, when Desiree accepted a proposal from sweetheart Chris (her now husband) and essentially said, I feel awful because I think that I didn't fully appreciate you and you were my love and right under my nose all along.  Ya know what was emotional? That time that Tierra nearly froze to death (JK JK JK that was simply HILARZ and the fact that such a high-maintenance girl thought that SEAN "salt of the Earth simpleton" LOWE would be in to THAT attitude shows that she has worse judgment than Garrett does.  OHHH BURN!!!) We'll get to Garrett later (OH YES WE WILL) but my point is, this was NOT an especially emotional finale, despite the buzz.

It was a standard final episode: they're all somewhere INSANELY HOT and stuck wearing suits or heavy, sequin dresses in direct sunlight.  Can they EVER get the finale temperature right? Chris Soules finale was somewhere FREEZING, but more often than not the finale is somewhere steamy hot.  Why can't we get a finale near a beautiful tree on a fall day, ya know?

But I digress.

Becca's family (lotsa uncles, her mom, her sister Emily who apparently DID NOT PACK leave-in conditioner) are in The Maldives and Becca is eager to introduce them to Garrett and Blake.

Garrett is up first and we get some voice over from Becca saying that their courtship was slower, he's revealing himself more slowly, and their relationship is growing.  Contrast that with what she said about Blake, which is that their relationship has been solid from the start, consistent, and that her heart recognizes his heart (a phrase that gives me dumb chills and yet I also love).

Garrett arrives with wine and flowers, wearing a short sleeved button down, tan shorts, and his standard goofy grin.  They talk about how Garrett gifted Becca a keepsake fly, which I can only assume looks like this:

They sit down to lunch and Garrett woos the family by proposing a toast that mentions people who are "looking down from above," that is, addressing her late father.  OK listen, some people might find that lovely or sweet of him, perhaps even respectful but I find it to be 100% the opposite.  To me it seemed completely inappropriate, disrespectful, and manipulative.  Becca's MOTHER lost her HUSBAND. How about you let HER mention her late husband before YOU DO, stranger?  Does that make sense?  I just hate it when people co-opt tragedy for their own purposes—it's so gross.

The family EATS IT UP, though, then Garrett does a LOT of crying and choking back tears and that shit is like catnip to the Kufrin family, shockingly enough.

Up next is handsome Blake who hides a KILLER BODY beneath that floopy head and funny attitude.  He's in a white button-down (that is SWEAT SOAKED and see-through within SECONDS) and pink shorts, plus toting gorgeous flowers and a nice bottle of wine.  He says that he is "crazy..... [too many seconds]... crazy about your sister" to Emily, repeatedly insists that he LOVES strong, independent women (we get it, woke feminist boi), fields a TON of questions about how he would handle rejection (OUCH! YIKES! HUH!?), and finally, is asked for dirt about Garrett by Becca's bonkers uncle.

HUH!?!?!?!

The entire thing was bananas and hurtful.  I think that Blake had a hard time because he was going in COMPARED to Garrett—not just going in as the new guy, ya know?  It's like at an audition when the casting director is fresh and energetic for the early slots but tired and grumpy by late in the day.  Not that I go on many auditions, dear reader—I'm convinced that my face is just too rubber-y and animated for commercial acting.

BUT ANYHOOOOOO.

Blake has a BAD gut feeling and literally says, "she's going to pick Garrett" and, spoiler alert, he's right.  Where did it all go so wrong!?!?!?

I have a theory (of course I do): it's almost like rehearsing for a big stage show.  If you have a big ensemble cast and a big opening weekend, you want to allow your production enough time to get comfortable with the material, get polished, get GREAT, but you don't want to have a rehearsal season so long that by the time you mount the show, the cast is already tired.  Does that make sense?  I think that if the finale had been a week or two earlier, Blake would have "gotten the girl" as it were.  But, no, the season was so long that by the time it was "SHOWTIME," Becca was tired of him.  Garrett's timing (as far as relationship development) was PERFECT in that it felt exciting every week, she learned about him constantly, and they peaked at the perfect moment for the finale.

Now let's address the alt-right elephant in the room.

Using his old Instagram account, Garrett "liked" SUPER problematic posts mocking transgendered individuals, liberal women, and DAVID HOGG, A VICTIM OF THE PARKLAND SCHOOL SHOOTING.

Read about it and look at the examples here.

I CANNOT ABIDE THIS.  Only last night did I learn about the crisis actor conspiracy theory and that one was really the end of the line for me.  Listen, I have dated former military, FBI, DEA, cops, firefighters—I'm familiar with conservative men and I enjoy debating those dudes (I am liberal AF).  And I understand that we are living in a rapidly-changing society with new apps and programs popping up daily.  I see all of it and YET STILL I CANNOT ABIDE HIS CHOICES.  It's "just" a click on Instagram, but those clicks are meaningful.  Those clicks normalize memes that are toxic and irresponsible.  Parkland kids lived through a goddamn MASSACRE.  They did not ask for this. They saw shit that our most grizzled veterans can hardly stomach.  And they were fucking KIDS. They still ARE KIDS.

And at around hour 2.75 of the finale spectacular when Garrett and Becca discussed the Insta controversy, they BARELY addressed it and his faux apology was weak sauce.  He danced around the issues, spoke in vague terms, and essentially said, Becca is pretty liberal and I liked those things but it doesn't align with HER values.  I can't tell if he's just dumb or was trying to act as though SHE is a NAG somehow, you know?

Also, dude, here's a quick re-write of your apology.  How about something like this:

I want to take ownership for the bad choices I made in liking Instagram posts that I found funny at the time. I have done a lot of soul-searching about this and I have read about the plight of transgendered individuals in our nation.  I have looked at the horrifying murder rates for trans citizens, and specifically, trans citizens of color, and I am ashamed that I liked these posts. I have spoken to veterans who served in war zones and engaged with innocent, wide-eyed local kiddos and learned about their experiences. I have followed the moves of the brave Parkland kids—teenagers who are doing more for the gun control movement than adults could muster for many decades. And I have thought about my role in this—it's NOT just a click, it's NOT just a simple "double tap," and it's not OK. I wish to work on myself and make more responsible, respectful, and adult choices in the future and I only hope that Becca will be by my side as I endeavor to become a better man.

Or something like that.

Wheeeeee!! Is this recap too HEAVY????

Let's lighten it up with some solid moments of idiocy from the finale:

-When Becca's sister Emily said to a crying Garrett, "I wish my fiancee cried like this." HAHAH!! Too bad the fiancee couldn't bother to come on a free trip the Maldives!
-When Chris Harrison shamelessly promoted every damn ABC franchise that's currently airing
-When Becca's mom gave that crucial advice to "be happy." Thanks for your wisdom, mom.
-When they were on a boat and Garrett was asking Becca about her sister, then interrupted himself with "oh dolphins! Right there!" Expect a lifetime of dumb shit like that, Becs.
-When Garrett said that he likes how Becca pronounces the word "bag."
-When Garrett said that Becca doesn't give him butterflies, but rather EAGLES!! Oh God this guy really IS a Conservative.


(This is legit the worst hymn of all time. I'm sorry but it's true. Give me "His Eye is on The Sparrow" ANY DAY over this dreck.)

-The fact that it was CONSTANTLY RAINING when poor Blake was feeling anxious about being sent home and dude was RIGHT.  As they say in the book "The Gift of Fear," TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!  YOUR GUT IS ALMOST ALWAYS RIGHT!
-When Becca pulls a Jojo and dunks with a full face of make-up and fake eyelashes then looks ROUGH afterward.
-There was a WHOLE LOTTA pastel this episode and I loved it. Way to showcase your tans, gang!! Remember: if you can't tone it, tan it!
-How insane is it that Blake MADE HER A REALLY SWEET GIFT and Garrett made her NOTHING? In most seasons, the final 2 suitors have gifts for their love.
-Garrett has HORRIBLE taste in jewelry--WOW!  Then again, this is a guy who elects to live in Reno, NV so I suppose we knew that he has bizarre taste.
-I had to groan when Becca said, "I found my partner in this... and I also found myself." I hate that type of thinking—it's along the lines of "I was incomplete until I had a partner." BARF. No you weren't. You're only as incomplete as you decide you are. Single people aren't flawed or fuck ups or incomplete. They're just single and you don't know their story.

Finally, it's time for Becca and The Boyz to sweat through some expensive clothing.  The first dude to arrive is Blake and at the QED Watch Party, we all started screaming, knowing that the first arrival is always the reject.  Sweet Blake gave a lovely speech to a dead-faced Becca (seriously she looked NOT happy and not empathetic). Blake was DRIPPING sweat. Literally at one point, a drip of sweat fell off his NOSE. Good Lord. Somehow, Becca's face didn't show any sweat and I have to wonder if she pulled some pageant tricks to avoid sweat and shine. Have you you heard about what women do in pageants to read as non-sweaty or thin from stage, but it's a setup? I believe that I have heard that they would smear deodorant on their faces as the bottom layer (to stop sweat), then coat foundation, make-up over that. Did I just make that up?

Either way, Becca seems to have SHUT DOWN and even as she dumps him, she doesn't cry a tear.  It was remarkable to watch, especially if you have watched these dramatic, emotional proposals take place before.  She give him a pretty non-committal breakup, stating that she pictured him being the last man standing for so long, but he's not. He accepts it calmly and you can see his heart breaking. I admire that he calmly told her that he thinks she's making a mistake and then said, "I love you" as he left. Oh man. Then he was given a wash cloth to WEEP INTO. Poor little hottie.

Then, unlike we have EVER seen in the past, we cut RIGHT TO HIM in the studio and Chris Harrison tries to squeeze more tears out of him, then brings out Becca for maximum embarrassment and heartbreak.  The whole thing felt remarkably exploitative—even moreso than the standard level of exploitation involved in The Bachelor/The Bachelorette.

Becca comes out, fresh from a spray tan booth (or having JUST emerged from a container of cinnamon), rocking a gorgeous purple dress (with COOL ASSED DIAGONAL HEM), sparkly earrings, and a tasteful ponytail with face framing layers. Blake is gracious as HELL, saying that he is still so glad that she was his Bachelorette (that sounded a lil like a student thanking his elementary homeroom teacher, didn't it?), that there are no hard feelings, and that this won't keep him down.

Oh Blake, you were too good for this Bach.

Then it's time to watch a dude who is, essentially, an alt-right troll win the heart of America's favorite brunette.  Garrett enters the sizzling beach and does his speech about how she is his world, yadda yadda yadda. She chimes in and for one, brief, shining moment, you can tell that Garrett thinks he's about to get dumped.  Alas, it's not to be.  She says that she has been holding back on dropping the 'ole 143 (I LOVE YOU in beeper parlance—where my pals who attended high school in the 90s at!??!?!) and so when she says it to him (using his full name), he knows that means he's THE GUY.  He picks her up and they make out HARD :)

Then he gets on one knee and presents her with an engagement ring that is just as putrid as it was free.

It's truly gotta suck when your 1st engagement ring (to Pasty Snooze Arie who later broke your heart) is SO MUCH PRETTIER than your 2nd engagement ring from a guy who probably thinks that the idea of someone in a bathroom stall next to him being a different sex at birth than he was is somehow oppression FOR HIM.

She gives him the final, final rose and I need to go back to white roses for a while, ya know? Need a little palette cleanser.  Plus, white or lighter colored roses are my favorite (in case you are reading this, NEW BOYFRIEND MARK).  Garrett make a classic Garrett move and says, "sorry fellas—she's off the market—she's all mine" because women are possessions that are either owned by other men or by you.  Yup yup.

Soon Garrett and Becca are reunited in the studio and she is SELLING THAT RELATIONSHIP like it's a damn Cutco Knife Set.

Hello, neighbor! My mother said that you'd be willing to listen to me peddle these Cutko Knives to you. Thanks so much—this is my summer job and yes, it's a pyramid scheme. OK, have you ever seen someone CUT a PENNY in HALF?

Becca talks about crying into a quesadilla and Garrett makes the aforementioned non-apology for mocking the trials and hardships of his fellow citizens.  Solid couple.  They are being send BACK to the Maldives for a getaway (just chill out until Instagram stops being so popular, so maybe like, a couple decades?) and then they're shown their parting gift—a shitbox MINIVAN!!!

What did you think of the season overall? Was I too hard on Garrett? Not hard enough? Do you think this will last?  Do you think the next Bachelor will be Jason or Blake? Feel free to comment and, as always THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading. I am always SO touched by people who read this wackadoo blog—I really mean that.

I may live tweet Bachelor In Paradise (@selenacoppock) but I'm not totally sure. Mama needs a break!! xoxo

Bachelorette Becca: Ep 7: A Man Bun Gets Snipped, Plus a Leopard Print Lover

Monday night we had our 7th episode of The Bachelorette and we finally went somewhere tropical--the Bahamas! Bring on the dumb conch shell jokes and innuendo, boys!

Becca has 6 suitors and will be snipping 2 in The Bahamas (like that old Andy Dick reality TV show, The Assistant--not "snipping" like surgery) and then next week is HOMETOWNS! Gosh--how are we already here!? This week we had a lotta bikinis and Becca even layered a white bikini beneath a yellow shirt in a group date--a girl after my own heart!

Chris Harrison and Becca have a chat and Becca is excited for a week with NO DRAMA. I hear you, Mary J. Blige!  Now that Chris, David, and Jordan are gone, I don't think we'll have any drama and I'm glad.



Maybe it was the angle Chris Harrison was sitting at, but I had a moment of wondering if perhaps he has had a face lift recently.  Just me?

The dudes are chilling out in their hotel room when Becca visits them to kick off the week of dates. There will be 4 dates total: 3 one-on-ones and a group date. No rose ceremony.

Colton gets the first 1:1 and he's got to share the news that he's a virgin. I'm almost surprised that this didn't come up earlier in the season. But I suppose it speaks to the double standards for male sexuality vs. female sexuality (and a touch of ageism). When a girl is a virgin, she tends to share it early in the season and it's often seen as a good thing, but Colton is self-conscious and admits that in the past, he evaded questions about it or lied. I'm sure he felt like he had to in macho locker room settings--especially with playing professional football.  Nonetheless, it seems like a sorta big thing to drop this late in the game, no?

Their date is a day canoodling on a catamaran (rich people word for "big boat"), making out while precariously perched on the bow of said boat, and going conch shell fishing which looks like a LOT of work.  Their conch shell expert is a friendly guy need Action Pack and he is FULL of sexual jokes about the conch shell as an aphrodisiac. Oh Producers--we see your fingerprints all over the virgin's date.

Can we talk about Becca's bikini!? A cute orange hue with such an interesting neckline! It was like the neckline of a fancy, off-the-shoulder dress, yet it was a bikini! The best of both worlds, man!  I discovered a website that hunts down your favorite reality TV clothes and oh man my bank account will never be the same.  They have a whole write-up about this orange bikini here! 

Isn't it such a cute bikini?
Even if the model on the right looks like a dead body propped upright--it's still a cool neckline! 

That night Colton rocks a pink button down and Becca looks lovely in a sparkly cocktail dress with a panel down the cleavage. They toast and begin discussing hometown dates and family and Colton finally says that he has something to say. HOO BOY it seemed like Becca was bracing herself for hearing about a long lost set of kids that he had stowed away somewhere.

Colton talks about how, for so long he focused on Football Colton and not Personal Colton and somehow, Football Colton never got his dick wet (and neither did Personal Colton).  Is that too crass? I'm sorry. Colton's a virgin and I don't know if I have ever met a former professional sports guy who is like, "yeah, that career really hindered my ability to get laid," ya know?  But he has a good explanation: he wasn't waiting for marriage, he was waiting for the right heart. Over the years he lied about it or had shame about being a virgin, but it's part of who he is, yada yada yada, I'm proud of who I am and now that I'm 26 and a virgin, why throw it away?  I get that, I suppose. But also, I'm a believe in the idea of "don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it."

EITHER WAY, Becca hears his big reveal, then WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND LEAVE HIM ALONE THERE. HUH!?!?? Arie did that to Lauren during their season and I find it SO unnatural and odd that I think it MUST be something that the Producers told them to do in order to build tension? And make for awkward shots of the person alone and the Bachelor/Bachelorette staring off and processing this supposed bombshell?  She eventually  returns to the table and they awkwardly continue their conversation. He says that his virginity is a gift that he wants to give someone, which I suppose is nice to hear from a guy because I remember when I was a kid and my childhood friend's mother said that (BUT ONLY ABOUT VIRGINITY BEING A GIFT THAT WOMEN GAVE MEN) so I guess, score one for progress in that respect.  Colton gets a rose and Becca will be meeting his family and, heck, maybe taking him to the fantasy suite to test drive it before she buys it.

Up next is Garrett who got the first impression rose all those weeks back when we were young and life was simple (May). Becca is in a sorta shirt dress thing and Garrett is in a striped button down and shorts and he RUNS to her, which I can dig. Good effort and attitude, kiddo.

They hop in a Sea Plane and drink bubbly (that can't be legal, can it?), cruise around the turquoise waters, and buzz the dude's hotel patio for shits and gigs. The plane lands near an empty island where Becca and Garrett strip down for a picnic, a make-out, and of course, more drinks.

They talk about how Garrett has managed to keep his sanity throughout this mind fuck of a dating process. Garrett claims that he doesn't get down or discouraged then moments later says that there have been a few times in his life when he has gotten discouraged, but he can count them on 2 fingers (so, you're saying, like, 2 times?). All these dudes have been reading too many Hallmark cards because their comments feel so corny--especially Garrett's line, "I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, the world's not perfect--but we can be perfect together." Oh man. Stop. Becca knows that there is "physical chemistry" there, but can Garrett go deeper? I wondered--they seem to get along well and enjoy smiling together, making out, but does Garrett offer much intellectually?

Becca somehow decides that yes, there is something more from Garrett, and she seems to get that assurance based on a conversation about how they have both been engaged and disappointed by a partner. Join the club, kiddos. I'm still not sure that Garrett has much to offer as far as ideas, excitement, conversation, debate, but Becca's into it.

For their evening date, Becca rocks a stunning white dress with interesting neckline (so many great necklines this season, girl!) with her hair back (super cute! She should rock that more often), a sweet little choker thing and a smokey eye, while Garrett's in a black button down. They have their chat about both of them going through heartbreak, Garrett scores the rose, and then STRIP DOWN for a HOT make-out in the ocean!

If you are a member of Bachelor Nation, you know what a late night swim in the ocean means: no microphones out there, cameras gotta stay on water so you have some privacy, and thanks to Juan Pablo's season, "going swimming at night" is shorthand for "having sex in the ocean." I was wondering that as Donald Trump's disgusting face was shoved in my face and The Bachelorette was tragically disrupted by his announcement of yet ANOTHER old, conservative white guy who he nominated for the Supreme Court.  I can't even.

Back to the only thing that my heart can handle right now: THE BACHELORETTE.

The final 1:1 date goes to smiley Blake who has been falling apart all week.  The other guys posit that Blake needs to catch up a bit--he started strong with Becca but seems to have lost some momentum.  Typical experience of an early 1:1 guy, ya know? 

For their date, Becca rocks a red tank top tied up to show her belly, dark army green pants, and Blake is in a pink T-shirt (meh) and shorts.  The Bachelor franchise continues its tradition of calling washed up musical acts to appear on the show and this time it's the BAHA MEN!!! 



Oh man, is there a worse idea for a song than a melody that features the sounds of barking dogs set to a crappy rhythm?  No, there is not.  Becca and Blake join in on the dance party and WOW Blake dances weird.  And too much.  I shouldn't hate because hey, dancing is recreation for everyone and there's no wrong way to do it, but WOW I was fearful that Blake might injure a Baja Man fan on that dance floor--dude had NO control of his body.  Yikes.  

After gentrifying the stage, Blake and Becs mercifully wander off to an empty beach to talk about insecurities and make-out.  Becca says that she feels for Pasty Snooze Arie's predicament because you really CAN fall in love with multiple people at one time which is certainly NOT what your boyfriend wants to hear.  

That night, Blake shows off his version of formalwear which is a short-sleeved, white button-down buttoned all the way up, which makes him look like a sort of Cholo/Martin Short nerd character hybrid.  What I'm saying is, dude, stop choking yourself with that damn collar! 

Becca is in a casual, blue sundress with dangly earrings and, over liquid dinner, they discuss small town life and how much it sucks.  AMEN!  Blake explains that his family is extremely unemotional, they don't talk about issues or problems but just ignore them and I can't believe this guy isn't a WASP!  Then again, maybe he is--his name is Blake, after all. Either way, Blake tells all of America that his mother cheated on his father with his basketball coach/English teacher. WOOOOW. Hooo boy I hope your mom is cool with your spilling these beans!  Then again, it sounds like they were already spilled all over your hellscape hometown, Blake! Becca remarks that Blake always claims it's hard for him to open up, yet he's the most open of ANY of the guys!  I feel like these claims that "it's hard for me to open up because I have been hurt before" are so often just posturing to make the guy feel more like Dylan McKay or some other loner, rolling stone character, ya know?  

Blake says, "Becca, I am in love with you," they make our HARD and Blake gets a rose.  She's excited to meet Blake's family (word to the wise: don't bring up the infidelity!!!!) and she says, "my heart recognizes his heart" which is so damn cute it gave me warm fuzzies. 

They walk out and do a classic wall make-out as we hear voice over of Becca saying,  "I want to tell him that I'm in love with him" which is a RED FLAG, BACHELOR NATION!  This feels like what we have seen so many times in the past where the Producers edit the footage to make Blake look like the shoe-in, which means he will definitely NOT win and will get his world RUINED. I can't wait to watch! 

The next day is group date time and Leo (man bun), Wills (loves patterned fabric more than any other power clasher I have met), and Jason (who my friend Jenn met a wedding last weekend!). 

CHECK IT OUT! It's New York City comedian Jenn Wehrung with a man who is either engaged to a gorgeous gal named Becca OR smiling through the heartbreak of knowing that America is about to watch him get DUMPED on television! 

LEO!? What is going on here!!!??!

Jason is looking like he's about to attend Puffy's infamous white party. Leo is in Nantucket Red shorts (aka Salmon color) and a blue T-shirt, and Wills is rocking a patterned tank top and dark shorts.  Beccca is wearing her best outfit of the season: white, jean daisy dukes, a tiny white jean jacket, a yellow tank top, and underneath it all, a WHITE BIKINI!! PRAISE GOD!  This is a KILLER look and it gives more press to an underserved community of which I am a member: WHITE BIKINI WEARERS!!! 

The grew plays volleyball and the teams are Jason and Becca vs. Leo and Wills, which was some not-so-subtle foreshadowing. 

Jason and Becca talk and she tells him that he's pretty unemotional, unenthusiastic, which I can sorta see but also, mere moments about he LEPT from a moving boat to SPRING through waves into your arms, so maybe cut the dude some slack?

Becca and Wills talk and it is a SOLID conversation, so you know he's being sent home.  

Becca and Leo talk and sweet Leo says that he knows he's different from the other guys (aww dude--you're just as weird as the rest--trust me!), he knows he's a LOT to take (stop stealing my lines, Leo!), and that he speaks only in truth.  The audio mixers must have had a tough time b/c it sounded like they were seated on top of a crashing wave and Becca tells Leo that they simply aren't as far along as the other relationships, so with that she sends him home.  

We see footage of Leo roaming the surf alone and I just hope that dude didn't fill his pockets with rocks for a suicide, Virginia Woolf-style, ya know? 

That night is a 2-on-1 date between Wills (now in yet another patterned shirt because this Patterned Party Bus stops for NO ONE!), Jason (looking like it's casual Friday at the Alamo Rent A Car where he works) and Becca (in a pinkish/whitish dress with yet another KILLER neckline--her style is amazing).  She has alone time with each guy and her alone time with Jason feels flat, while her conversation with Wills is emotional, dynamic, exciting, interesting, so you know Wills is about to walk the plank. 

They all reconvene at the table and Becca gives the rose to Jason, then walks Will to the car and says goodbye with remarkable efficiency and calmness.  In the car, Wills says, "it's hard to give someone your heart and have them say, 'no thank you'" which made me laugh because that's my catchphrase (well, one of my many catchphrases).  

Becca walks back to Jason, they make out hard, and he is giddy because she's heading to BUFFALO (she's not as giddy, understandably).  

Next week we witness the hometown dates and it seems like these parents are NOT HAVING IT, though I'm sure that in time, they will be miraculously convinced of the prudence of meeting your soul mate on a reality TV dating show.  Stay tuned! 

Bachelorette Becca: Tracksuits Are Too Casual for a Rose Ceremony (Ep 4)

Greetings, Bachelor Nation!

This is your intrepid recap writer, Selena "Bury Me in a White Bikini" Coppock, reporting for duty.

Monday's episode was a solid one, with 3 dates, 2 rose ceremonies, and 1 pair of gold underpants.

We open at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Clay has just left with his broken wrist. There is strange energy in the house among the guys, but Becca and Blake are loving life and talking about how many children they might have! Wheeee! They both love boy names for girls: Becca wants to name her daughter Stevie and Blake wants to name his daughter Charlie, and I'm just glad that I have found other fans of the early 90s TV show, SISTERS!

Remember these gals? Georgie, Frankie, Alex, and Teddy?! Gosh I was OBSESSED with this show when I was young, which feels odd since it was about the difficulties of some middle-aged women living in Winnetka, IL battling drinking problems, sexual assault, infidelity, and family issues. But I LOVED IT! Random trivia: Bruce Springsteen's first wife is the lady in the lower, left corner of that DVD case above. Waddaya know! Anyhoo. Becca and Blake are biting off SISTERS'S style with their kid name picks.

Meanwhile, resident bizarro boy, Jordan, is shit talking injured David (as usual), saying that he talks God every day and that people who go against him have bad things happen to them. Read: God broke your face, David, because you mocked me. David makes his semi-triumphant return to the house, black eye and bruised cheek, and all. I gotta admit, for once, David looks TOUGH and it makes me somewhat attracted to him. David gets a lot of hugs from the guys, an immediate rose from Becca (sometimes breaking your face is the best thing that has ever happened to you), and shouts over to Jordan, "what up, Jordan, how you doing?" to which Jordan doesn't even FLINCH. God these two are like an old, previously married couple. Blech.

In a move that will haunt her throughout this episode, Becca gives Jordan a pair of shiny, gold booty shorts (hey, it's pride month and Jordan is the gayest thing I have seen since the last time I hung out at the Stonewall Inn) but David is feeling good and says, "I may not have a male model face at this point, but I have a rose, bitch." AWWW SHIT, CHICKEN SUIT DAVID AINT HERE TO PLAY!

Soon it's rose ceremony time. Colton (Husky Ryan Phillippe), Chris (lil cheesy), and David (man without a face) already have roses. 

The others go to:
-Jason (looking like a mafia don with the slicked hair)
-Wills (love that light, patterned jacket!)
-Nick (WHO IS WEARING TWO CROSS MEDALLIONS AND A TRACKSUIT! I repeat, he is in a TRACKSUIT at a formal event and he didn't just walk off the set of Sopranos 2: Tony's Still Messed Up. As we saw him in a bizarro track suit, we heard audio of him saying, "I gotta be who I am" and I didn't realize that who Nick is, is a dude who retired from his career in imports/exports (hey, don't ask questions) and now spends his days at the Keno parlor telling anyone who will listen about how thin he can slice his prosciutto.)
-Lincoln (looking good in a bow tie)
-Christon (dark suit, patterned tie, solid look)
-Blake (I hate his clothing style--ALL Blake's choices are bad choices)
-Garrett (who might be a weirdo conservative hidden inside the body of a HOT BOY)
-Leo (big hair don't care)
-John (lil nerdy but sweet)
-Connor (big hair AND I CARE! This dude is a little tank engine of sexy)
-Jordan (as my wise roommate said, "he's a character, not a contender")
-Jean Blanc (coming in last! Ouch!)

So the two dudes who will be trying to sell you Fab, Fit, Fun boxes via Instagram in the near future are the blonde man bun (sorry dude--there can be only one man bun) and Roger, the dweebus banjo player. I know that we have some Roger Heads reading  this (hi Katie!), so I'm sure that moment was a sad one.

Becca gathers the non-losers and Jordan (HEYO!) and announces that their next stop is PARK CITY, UTAH!  The clip of slicked hair Jason screaming, "UTAH, baby!" made me laugh harder than the time I saw Dave Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall last summer (#brag).

The first date is a 1:1 with Garrett and Becca scoops him up from the ski chalet where the dudes are staying (very cool digs) and takes him to downtown Park City so that she can straddle him in front of a small child.

A super low budget screen shot of my Instagram story! I am a tech moron!

After that, they try on hats, goof around, and generally act like two SUPER LOSERS falling in love. Look, I'm as cripplingly lonely as the next NYC-based comedian and I would love to find love and become a bit insufferable, but GOOD LORD these two give me dumb chills that broke my insufferability scale completely.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lincoln reveals that he is a flat Earther, as if this season couldn't get more full of weirdos (Garrett has some problem Instagram likes, Lincoln might take shits on the bathroom floor AND was convicted of assault, Jordan is bananas).

Back on the date, Becca and Garrett meet up with 2006 Olympians Valerie and Shauna who were Olympic teammates, fell in love, got married, and now have 2 kids together. Fuck yeah, ABC. Thank you for giving them time to share their story--representation matters and I LOVE that almost EVERY guest star sports person we have met this season has been female. 

Garrett and Becca hop in a bobsled with the couple and all four cruise around the track. After that, G and B drink bubbly on an animal pelt and it occurs to me that if you are a non-drinker, this show might be hard for you to participate in.  Also, if you're not a total psychopath.

That night they get done up and Garrett is in a navy blazer and tan pants, looking like a 9th grader at his first semi-formal dance. Becca is in a taupe sweater dress, heels, and a red jacket. Have you noticed that Becca is the QUEEN of the dramatic jacket removal? She does it every time and I love it. Often the jacket is just on her shoulders and she waits until she arrives somewhere, all eyes are on her, then she gracefully removes the jacket as if to say, "HELLO, BOYS!"

Garrett reveals that he's divorced in the MOST evasive, roundabout way by talking about the relationship from the beginning and meandering all over the place discussing their "adventures" and subtly saying, "so then we were married" and, honestly, it seemed like he was trying to hide that fact, didn't it? Dude--just shot straight!



Garrett claims that his ex was manipulative and emotionally abusive and I WISH that I could see how she responded to those claims!! Live cam of her viewing party, please, ABC!!! Becca senses loyalty and commitment from the guy who just disparaged his ex-wife on national TV, so he scores a rose.  But wait, the date isn't over!! A no-name, D list country singer is legally required to appear!!  And Granger Smith (WHO?) is just the guy.  They go to his concert, are taped by a million iPhones (PEOPLE! Live your LIVES! Stop recording your lives!), and make out on a platform. 

The next day is a lumberjack group date starring Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick (what, no tracksuit this time, Mr. Soprano?), John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christo, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc.

Becca makes the dudes dress up like my dream dates and then perform feats of strength, which is my dream date activity. Stop haunting my dreams, Baby Monster!

ummmm hi

Becca says that when she was in high school and other girls were falling for Leonardo DiCaprio, she was falling for manly man lumberjacks and I gotta say, SO WAS I, Becks. You aint unique. I've tolerated some DUMB SHIT dudes because they were husky and drove Ford Broncos. Plenty of us are LumberLovers.

The dudes participate in a Lumberjack Contest and John (quiet, lil nerdy) does surprisingly well, dominating all of his challenges! He wins for his team (blue team) and gets the reward of a golden axe (an actual golden ax in a log), which is nice, but ya know what's nicer?  A frigging ROSE!

That night at the after party, Becca rocks a red, velvet dress with a VERY low cut V neck, a black jacket (DRAMATIC REMOVAL!), and big earrings. Jason (slicked hair) admits that he's struggling with his emotions a bit, Jordan strips down to his golden go-go shorts and gives the camera a TAINT SHOT as he bends over Becca. It was horrifying. Dude--you are a model. You should know your angles. Bending over, taint out, AT the camera, is an abomination. Even if your taint is covered by a pair of gold daisy dukes. Also, HOW am I writing these things and this isn't a recap of Ru Paul's Drag Race? In conclusion of the Jordan stuff, he had 1:1 time with Becca and he chose to spend it in weird gold hot pants and then WALK AWAY!?!? Dude, time with Becca is precious--why were you more eager to get back to the crew of dudes? Hmmmm. 

After that weird display, Colton pulls Jordan outside (HOT move, Mr. Man) and says that Jordan is being a clown, putting on a show, and he seems like he's not here for the right reasons. I concur, Colton! You are HOT and RIGHT!

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc is weirding out Becca during their alone time. He presents her with perfume, then says that he wants to whisper something in her ear and when he gets close to her face, he grabs her chin and moves her head to kiss him.  Buh.  No.  To me, that was a lil weirdly pushy and Becca clearly wasn't feeling it. It was a little too smooth and calculating, when Becca seems to respond to playfulness more than "moves." Leo interrupts, but Jean Blanc is anxious that he hasn't given Becca enough attention, affection, adoration, so he comes back and tells Becca that he's falling in love

DUDE!!! PUMP THE BRAKES!!!

It was so clear that Jean Blanc was just feeling insecure and left behind, so he laid it on THICK in a moment of desperation, but it REEKED of bullshit! Dude, do you think she'll keep you around just because you're like, "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU"???? She needs to love YOU, also! And we're only on week 4! Even guys that Becca is connected to (Garrett, Jason, Colton) aren't saying stuff like that!

You can see Becca cringe-ing as Jean Luc comes on too strong and she shoots him straight--this is a LOT, a bit too intense, and we're on different wavelengths.  She says that this needs to be the end and generously walks him out (WITHOUT A JACKET IN THE FREEZING COLD) and yet he whines about giving her the perfume gift. Dude! Stop! You look worse every time you open your mouth! Time to go!

But no, he KEEPS making it worse by attempting to backtrack and saying that what he said isn't "necessarily" where he's at, that he thought it was where SHE wanted to take things. Becca wisely responds, oh so you are just saying whatever you think I want to her? Jean Blanc--time to go. There is NO WAY to salvage this.  Becca says the just wants HONESTY, Jean Blanc finally leaves, and Becca returns to the guys very shaken up.  She says that she is very angry, she feels like he was bullshitting her and fears that other guys may be doing the same, and heads home--no rose on the group date (sorry, John).

There is somehow ANOTHER 1:1 date, if you don't think that this episode has gone on long enough! I gotta keep this part short cause I'm exhausted.

Sweet Wills and Becca spend the day together and he's just what she needed--a caring, low key, thoughtful, easygoing dude who will let her slowly move on from the rush of insecurity that she felt as a result of Jean Blanc's actions the night before.

They ride snowmobiles, have a snowball fight, and Wills commits a Bachelorette first by talking about open relationships! Hoooo boy!! I bet that ABC had never heard the phrase "hall pass" used that way before! I appreciated Wills's candor in sharing that story of heartbreak and I'm impressed by his self-awareness.  He scores a rose and before we know it, we're back to another rose ceremony (no cocktail party--sorry, suckers!). 

Lincoln, Connor, and Tracksuit Nick are anxious because they didn't get much time with Becca this week. 

She rolls up in a gorgeous, mermaid style gown (my fave) that's black, textured, and has a pouffy bottom half.  She starts handing out roses and I'll save you some time by addressing who did NOT get roses: Christon (handsome former Harlem Globetrotter who took it in stride) and Nick (blonde dude who seemed cool until he put on a tracksuit to make some sort of righteous point about--I dunno, track runners? Italians? Residents of South Boston?) who blamed himself, which was the only good thing he has done. 

Where to next? 

LAS VEGAS!! Hell yeah!!! Jordan assures us that he's "going to make moves--DEEP MOVES." What the hell does that mean? WHO KNOWS!??!?!??! 

See ya next week!