Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap Ep 6: These Badlands AINT Treating Us Good


I am ridiculously late w/ my recap, but did you watch my brilliant re-enactment?  My impressions of the girls are award-winning ("Best Impression of a Reality TV Wackadoo" -my roommate), but my written recaps are what the kids keep coming back for.  So what happened on Monday?

The episode started with a leftover rose ceremony (thanks to Kelsey's "panic attack"--err--tantrum thrown to force Chris to talk to her while she rocked an oxygen mask--hot look, psycho!) during which Samantha and Mackenzie were sent packing.  You're probably thinking, "Samantha Who?" and I'm like, "that was the name of a short-lived Christina Applegate sitcom and didn't you think that her first husband was a HOTTIE but I sorta wonder if something is up with him based on his romantic history BUT ALSO Samantha the girl on The Bachelor said a grand total of 5 words this season."  Mackenzie, everyone's favorite 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist was also sent back to her son.  I'm sure he's relieved not to be living in the produce isle anymore (KALE JOKES).

The remaining 9 ladies and Chris head to Deadwood, South Dakota (which Megan would probably be stunned to learn isn't located anywhere near The Dakota in New York City) where they braced themselves for a 1:1, a group date, and the infamous Bachelor 2:1.  The 2:1 functions like Elimidate (rest in peace, sweet show) and one girl is sent packing from that date.  Well, USUALLY one girl is sent home but this season has NO RULEZZZ!!!!

Becca (awesome hair, blindingly white teeth, chill attitude) scores the first 1:1 and I'm psyched for her.  She's been a cool gal from the start and she's been wise to hang back a bit and slowly reveal her personality to Chris.  They ride horses, shoot guns, roast kebabs, and finally share their first kiss.  She gets a rose.

Back at the hotel (which was a friggin' Holiday Inn--did anyone else notice that?) Carly, Whitney, and another forgettable long-haired white girl are confronting Kelsey about how fake she is (which is a phenomenon much like Law and Order--it's always happening somewhere, every moment of every day).  Kelsey has a black belt in manipulation and shirking responsibility because she immediately gets super patronizing with them, mentions her dead husband, says that she was "confused"  passive-aggressive people LOVE claiming they are "confused" but they know exactly what is going on), and says she feels that they are ganging up on her.  In her confessional interview she says, "I'm blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use big words."  Girl, you misused the words "ensued" and "myriad" last episode, so quit acting like you're Little Miss Language Arts  You're pulling out friggin' PSAT vocab, kid.  Sit down.

The next day is a group date and the crew is Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan (who still hasn't quite gotten the hang of how things work when your name gets called).  Their date is a day with Big and Rich (the "last kids picked in gym class" of Top 40 Country Music) during which the ladies write original country songs then perform them while accompanied by a filthy prospector on banjo.  Kaitlyn raps (dumb chills), Britt emotes too much (gross), and Carly wins the day with her beautiful, sweet, melodic serenade to Chris.  But no one can deny the sexual chemistry between Britt and Chris, the likes of which we haven't seen since Juan Pablo and Clare (but we remember how that turned out, DON'T WE?).  That night at the after party the girls are left sitting around for 60 MINUTES while Britt and Chris sneak off to attend a Big and Rich concert nearby.  Couldn't they have just sent the rest of the women home and said that Britt and Chris got an extended date?  The girls who were kept waiting feel frustrated and humiliated and somehow I now find myself really liking Kaitlyn.  Who saw that coming?  Britt continues to spin her web of lies, saying that she loves country music, so she gets a rose.  Small note: Whitney, don't wear a scarf that is the same color of both your hair and your skin, girl.  Just a tip.

It's time of the 2:1 and I haven't seen a match-up this exciting since Tyson vs. Douglas in 1990: Ashley I. aka Female Bobby Bottlservice aka New Jersey Kardashian VS. Kelsey aka Smuggest Lady in the Land aka Talbots #1 Fan.  Their date will take place in The Badlands, which I then learned is more than just a great Bruce Springsteen song.  They cruise into the barren wasteland on a helicopter and a bed is set up for the purposes of capturing fierce side-eye.  Ashley gets alone time with Chris, during which she reminds him that she's completely inexperienced (by cartoonishly shoving her tongue down his throat) and informs him that Kelsey is this season's pariah (a more frumpily dressed Courtney or Vienna or Tierra).  Kelsey then wins some alone time with Chris during which she describes their potential life together in a manner more boring way than I have ever heard.  Chris gently brings up what Ashley said (and admits that Ashley JUST said something to him, which was more of a bonehead move on his part than a malicious maneuver, I think).  Kelsey plays the victim as usual, saying that she considers Ashley a friend.  Cry me a river, weirdo.

The two girls end up sitting on the bed together and Kelsey attempts to stare Ashley down, but Ashley isn't having it (good girl).  Finally, Kelsey snarls, "I know what you did" and Ashley says that she knows that Kelsey thinks she's stupid, but they both have their masters degrees "and I actually have it from a good place" (a line that made me ERUPT IN APPLAUSE at home).  Suddenly I'm on Team Ashley.  Poor Man's Kim K. walks off to confront Chris and, sadly for her, she simply cannot keep her shit together.  She has a meltdown, Chris sends her home, she storms off, she storms back in, they hug, finally she storms off again.  Girl.  At least keep it together when you are getting dumped--never let 'em see you sweat!  Chris retreats to Kelsey and I gotta say, I haven't seen a woman so smug and entitled since the last time I went to Starbucks (so, this morning).  Kelsey hugs him and tries to play the role of dutiful, doting wife but then Chris pulls a truly UNPRECEDENTED move (Chris Harrison was loving it, no doubt) and he gives Kelsey the Heisman, too! Aww snap--there are no rules!  Chris gives Kelsey the old "see you in hell," hops in a helicopter and jets outta there.  The remaining ladies celebrate Kelsey's departure with bubbly.

Next week we have so much Bach it's going to be inane: Sunday night AND Monday night.  I"ll try to stay on top of it, lovers!

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