Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Bach Amigos!

On Monday we experienced the women tell all and I'm going to pull a reverse Chris Harrison and say that it was the LEAST exciting Women Tell All in Bachelor history!  The ladies hardly even interrupted each other!  Everyone was so damn polite! What the eeeefffff, ABC!?

The episode started off with Sean and his new best friend Chris Harrison (who is newly divorced and should not only host the next season of Bach, but friggity whack BE the next Bach! Now that would be UNPRECEDENTED!) crashing Bachelor viewing parties around Los Angeles.  Remember how much Oprah's audience members would go NUTS when she'd inform them that they were each getting a new car?  That freak out has got NOTHING on how ladies react when Bach Sean strolls into their Bachelor viewing parties carrying red roses.  LADIES WENT NUTZZZZ, especially sorority ladies.  In a sorority house at UCLA, the women surrounded Sean, chanted "take off your shirt!" and Sean obliged.  It was quite a gender swap from a normal Greek party situation and I kinda loved it.  

Then we were in the studio where a handful of the rejected ladies were coiffed and ready for their last appearance in the Bach spotlight.  Who was there?

-Ashley P. (50 Shades of WAAAAY outta line and why are they bringing back a tool who went home on night 1?)
-Diana (hairdresser with a tyke at home)
-Brooke (Betty Boop style girl who didn't do much on the show but managed to eek out some air time in this episode by playing Devil's advocate.  Ya know who doesn't need an advocate, Brooke?  THE DEVIL?  Also, cute red jumpsuit)
-Daniella (aka Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie)
-Jackie (used to be a redhead, now a brunette. I CALLED IT! Hers was the first of many rad hair changes.)
-Kacie B. (Lordy Lordy Lord you again? For Kacie B. this episode must have felt like an attorney with her own successful practice sitting in on an LSAT review bitch session.) 
-Leslie H. (the moron whose favorite movie is "Pretty Woman." She gives good bitch face, though.)
-Kristy (the "model" from Wisconsin who is pretty, but needs to SIT DOWN about it.)
-Taryn (was a platinum blonde during the season, now an ombre with darker roots, blonde tips. Another rad hair transformation.)
-Katie (I can't even. Please. Just... someone... get her some conditioner goodness gracious!)

-Amanda (wackadoo chick who wore ill-fitting J. Crew outfits at every turn)
-Selma (beautiful brunette who was a lil high-maintenance)
-Robyn (back flip girl who has a fresh bob haircut--nice work!)
-Sarah (1 arm sweet thing who won America's heart and brought me to tears AGAIN.)
-Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes whose parents are sweet, brother is a tattooed vagrant psychopath)
-Lesley M (Arkansas wearing a Razorback red dress & red lips. Nice!)
-AshLee (another ombre beauty! Though I could have done without the bandage dress.  2010 is over--can we retire those dresses please?)
And of course Tierra was there, but not seated with the other women.  She was probably sitting somewhere on a cot in a hallway. 

Chris Harrison kicks things out by talking about the common enemy of the house: Tierra.  Selma says that she tried to help Tierra early on, advising he to "hide her crazy" and apparently AshLee and Tierra were friendly at first.  Brooke defended Tierra (a cheap but successful way to get a word in edgewise on The Women Tell All).  Chris explains that Tierra is backstage (where we saw a clip of her doing her patented perfume swirl) and she's coming out.  Tierra comes out with hair a bit darker, a dress with an underboob cut-out panel (not a good idea on anyone, much less anyone curvy), and a BIG diamond engagement ring (cause remember her ominous warning that she could get engaged anytime she wants to!!!) 

Chris pulls no punches, asking Tierra if she imagined that she'd be "that girl" in the house.  She rambles on about how she brings light and joy everywhere she goes and other women try to put out her light (do they put it under a bushel, Tierra?).  She says that she didn't go on The Bachelor to make friends YET she resents the other women for thinking that she didn't go there to make friends.  Huh?  The more important take away from Tierra's monologue was this: as a child, Tierra won the title of Little Miss Nevada.  OF COURSE SHE DID.  She's like a walking PSA for the terrible after effects that child beauty pageants can have on a person. 
Mark my words, Honey Boo Boo will be the girl who everybody hates on the 2021 season of The Bachelor. And Chris Harrison will still be talking about how unprecedented everything is.

After Tierra is done being unrepentant, she does at 180 and apologizes, saying that she was scared of the whole situation.  The ladies response to Tierra can best be shown in Lesley's facial expression:

                                                          "Ummm.... a skyooooze me?"

Then we hear from Sarah and Desiree, who were both disappointed by their rejection but have gotten over it.  I wish I could say the same for sweet AshLee.  AshLee is looking beautiful and I love her light blonde bottom layers, but she still wants some sort of logical explanation from Sean.  GIRL!  Have you never been dumped before!? Sometimes it's illogical, sometimes it hurts like hell, sometimes the dude straight-up lies but all you can do is MOVE ON.  You don't need to be right and Lord knows the dude is never going to admit he was a schmuck.  Sean came out and AshLee spent SO MUCH TIME berating him for lying to her and misleading her.  She seems to think that she can argue and pester her way back into Sean's heart and I wish that Dr. Phil had been there to tell her that she needs to accept the reality of what is happening.  I friggin' LOVE the no-nonsense, tough love of Dr. Phil McGraw and I think he would have set AshLee straight.  I'm sure that Selma was sitting there wishing that AshLee would do a better job of hiding her crazy. 

Overall, not the most exciting "Women Tell All" episode in Bach history, despite what Chris Harrison might say. 

The episode ended with a montage of a producer's dog and the dog was certainly cute... but a full montage to end the episode? Huh?  Judges, will we accept that?   

Next week is the finale, which will be a 3 hour Bach extravaganza in which either Catherine or Lindsay will be chosen OR NEITHER WILL!  You never know what's going to happen on Bach, right Chris?

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