Bachelor Ben H. Ep 6: Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Monday night’s episode was another GEMSTONE and I didn’t think that ABC could top last week’s brilliance. We had all the ingredients necessary for a clutch Bach episode: desperation, sabotage, and the dreaded 2-on-1 date.

Last week’s episode ended with a cliffhanger: would Ben wise up send Olivia and her ankle girdles packing or would be believe her constant refrain that being in the lead put a target on her back? In their whispered 1:1 conversation, Olivia turned elitist (that’s a fun, new trick!) and said that she can’t relate to the other women since they are all “into” painting their nails and doing each other’s hair but she’s interested in reading books and “thinking” (yes, she literally said that) and “I want to talk smart things.” Olivia, you’re a news anchor (supposedly) and a D list catalogue model—you’re not a rocket scientist, so cut it with the claims that you’re simply too smart for this crew. Also, you sound a lot like Ian from Kaitlyn’s season and we all know how that ended (not well). 

Ben hears her out and wisely asks her about her part in it, but ultimately he’s sympathetic toward her so they walk back in together. We then see shots of Olivia saying “come at me, bro” and “I’m not going anywhere—every else can suck it” which I’m sure makes both her family and her employer feel REALLY proud of her tenure on this show.

The Cankles Stay In the Picture

  

So it’s time for the rose ceremony and already clutching roses are Olivia, Amanda (“Teen Mom” as Olivia would call her), and Lauren H. 

Who’s safe?

-Caila (who seems pretty damn smart, OLIVIA)

-Lauren B. (nice style, love the black dress and hippie style)

-Jojo (filmy white town and fuscia lips “on fleek” as someone cooler than me would probably say)

-Beccca (loving the mixed texture hair—braid, curls—it’s very Britney in her heyday)

-Leah (nice mint green gown, side braid)

-Emily (blonde with funny personality)

So the person going home is no surprise to Bachelor Nation: Snooze-A-Thon, Brunette, Monotone Jennifer. Oh Jennifer, we hardly knew ye, but perhaps we DID “know ye” and there just aint much there there.  Jennifer exits gracefully.

The next stop is introduced by Ben as “a lot of sun, a lot of beach, a lot of ocean” (yeah, those 3 things often go together), THE BAHAMAS! There is sunshine but the weather is generally hurricane-like and the only thing rougher than the wind and tides is how Olivia looks without make up. 

Chris Harrison brings the girls up to speed: this week will have a 1:1, a group date, and an infamous 2:1 from which at least 1 girl is sent home (and historically, often both girls are sent home). 

Software saleswoman Caila gets the 1:1 and Leah is upset because she has only had group dates so far. I hear that, but Caila and Ben’s first “1:1” was more of a “3:1” with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube and everyone feeling VERY obligated to promote the movie Ride Along 2.  Ben picks up Caila at the hotel and Leah is awkwardly wedged between them on the couch (that seating situation was BRUTAL to watch) before they head out. While Caila and Ben spend a sunny day deep sea fishing, Leah begins to unravel back at the hotel saying that she feels like a fool. Outside of the show, Leah lives only 10 minutes away from Ben, which she takes as a sign of their inevitable compatibility (girl, plenty of people live near me and that doesn’t mean I’ll have anything in common with them other than a subway stop and a local coffee shop). Leah, I’m sorry, but the universe didn’t bring you and Ben together—casting directors did. 

Caila's favorite book

Over a candlelit non-dinner, Caila and Ben have one of the most confusing conversations in Bachelor history, with Caila pulling back the curtain and saying that she knows she’s “supposed” to be vulnerable but she feels put on the spot, that she’s afraid she’s going to break his heart (yikes), and that her mind and her heart want different things (but like, what does your crotch want, also?). She chooses her phrases so deliberately and carefully (“I feel that...”) that it felt like watching a non-native speaker learn English phrases (“I would like to visit the library”). 

Somehow she emerges from that conversation triumphant, with Ben saying that he LIKES that Caila is confusing and that makes her “authentic.” Whatever you say, bro. Enter at your own risk.

The next day is the group date and Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Jojo, Lauren H., and Leah resemble a sea of bikinis, tan skin, and bayalage hair. The ladies and Ben hop on a boat, drink a bit, and then come upon some wild pigs by a deserted island.  Ben has turkey hot dogs for them to feed the pigs (thank GOD they weren’t regular hot dogs, as I thought they were for a moment) and after that, everyone mostly stands around and feels insecure and weird.  This “acticity” is an audio mixer’s nightmare with loud waves and squealing pigs and no ability to mic each girl since they were in the water. There must have been multiple boom operators running around like crazy people—brutal. 

Leah confronts Ben about how she feels sad that she hasn’t had a 1:1 yet and he says “can you make the most of this with me please?” then hugs her, which was like watching an abusive husband ask his wife to please smile and nod through another dinner party.

That night at the afterparty, Becca’s rocking a fantastic leather & lace outfit when Ben pulls her aside to ask why she was standoff-ish to him today. Becca shoots him straight, saying that the date felt awkward because he has such obvious chemistry with Lauren B. (I smell foreshadowing) but that she’s still really into him, he hasn’t done anything wrong.  He proceeds to then assure almost every girl that he really likes her and I wish that we could have seen it as a montage, but alas. 

Leah finally gets some alone time with Ben and producers give us an ominous voice over of Leah saying that she “needs to do something extreme.”  Turns out, it’s not just Leah’s eyebrows that are intense and crazy—it’s also her personality.  Leah goes full Single White Female while claiming that she doesn’t want to sabotage anyone and then tells bold-faced lies to sabotage someone. Bachelor Nation was STUNNED to watch her throw Lauren B. under the bus, claiming that she’s two-faced and not genuine.  HUH? Say what you will about Lauren B. (perhaps she’s a bit simple and shy?), she is NOT an Olivia type who is some Jekyl & Hyde.  I swear I heard her say Lauren B.’s name in that conversation, but my podcast co-host Dava didn’t hear it—did you hear it, dear reader? It was all so confusing.

After dropping her bomb, Leah exits, like a blonde haired Iago and Ben immediately confronts Lauren B. about what he was told (without naming names). Lauren B. starts crying and feels weird even responding to this, since it’s so far from the truth. Moments later, Lauren B. is visibly upset and tells the other women what happened and Leah COMPLETELY LIES AGAIN about her involvement, saying that she’d never single somebody out and that she didn’t do it. I cannot wait for “The Women Tell All” episode later in the season because Leah is going to have to pay the piper for that whole charade.

Then, as if she hasn’t done enough damage both to herself and to Ben and Lauren B.’s relationship, Leah shows up on Ben’s hotel doorstep that night for more conversation. If she truly wanted to say around and honestly liked Ben, she’d use that alone time to build a bridge, flirt, maybe even make out. But Leah seems dead set on going out with a bang, so she squanders her limited time by again, doing the exact thing that she INSISTS she does NOT want to do (“sit here and talk bad things about Lauren”).  Ben sees through her and makes subtle digs, saying that the first night felt so great between them but it never moved beyond that (got to be hard to hear, even if you’re an Iago type) and that they’re missing something between them.  Finally, Ben says that he doesn’t want to put her through anything more and it’s best for us to say goodbye. Yesssss. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out, Psychopath! See ya at The Women Tell All—bring ya boxing gloves!

The next day is the 2:1 between Emily and Olivia and going into it, I thought that Emily was a dead man walking.  Ben and Emily get along well, but don’t seem to have a romantic chemistry and at this point in the game, that’s worrisome.   Olivia makes a joke that she and Emily are the same age but that she feels like her mother and YEAH YA DO with your dumpy clothes and bad taste. The match up truly looks like the fight of the century: 

The trio hops on a boat and braves some rough waves (buns all around, ladies! Do you know how much conditioner you’ll need to undo these tangles later?) as they make their way to an empty island for a date that consists of sitting around and drinking (well, most dates do, but it just feels weird to schelp so far into a hurricane for that activitiy, ya know?).

Olivia and Ben have some alone time during which she rambles about herself and claims to both be an introvert (doesn’t seem like it) but also extremely intimidating and confident yet grounded. I was ready to hear her end with “and I’m extremely humble” but instead, she ended her bizarre monologue by telling Ben that she’s in love with him, which is the Hail Mary Pass of Bachelor conversation moves.  Again, Ben Higgins can smell a rat and he seems completely uninspired by her confession of love.

Ben and Emily have some alone time during which she delivers an extremely enthusiastic diatribe from behind a curtain of hair and soon it’s time for Ben to give the rose to one lucky lady. He plucks the rose from its spot and asks Olivia to walk down the beach with him, with all signs pointing to Olivia being given this rose and Emily being sent home.

BUT WAIT!

Olivia’s open-mouthed grin disappears as Ben clutches the rose and says that he simply CANNOT give it to her because he can’t reciprocate her feelings. Who could have predicted that Olivia—the girl who has been referring to Ben as her “husband” all season--would leave with a whimper and not a bang? Ben walks back to Emily and gives her the rose as she squeals loud enough for Olivia to hear. Sometimes, The Bachelor is pure poetry. Ben and Emily hop a boat out of there while Olivia stands alone on the shoreline and a helicopter shot captures her heartbreak. 

Back at the hotel room, the ladies are stunned and relieved. It wasn’t a celebration quite like we saw when snug know-it-all Kelsey was sent home from Farmer Chris’s season (Badlands), but it was still notable.

Finally, it’s cocktail party time and everyone is wound up, even moreso when Ben cancels the cocktail party because he’s emotionally exhausted.  We’re going straight into the rose ceremony and Caila, Emily, and Amanda already have roses. Then Ben gives roses to…

-Becca (whose white dress is gorgeous against her tan skin and perpetually sleepy eyes)

-Jojo (whose style is top notch, including this army print, backless filmy number)

SO THEN WE ARE DOWN TO LAUREN H. VS. LAUREN B. 

A match-up unparalleled since the legendary Vegas Vs. Talbots bout earlier in the episode.

Who gets the rose? 

-Lauren B. (looking great in a flowy dress, beachy waves)

So Lauren H. is going home, which didn’t surprise me at all. She and Ben had fun, but also didn’t seem to have much romantic chemistry there. And with Lauren H.’s tear-stained departure, Lauren B. becomes LAUREN. Congratulations, girl! The last Lauren standing. But not the last woman standing.

If you want to hear me and my pal Dava run our mouths about The Bachelor, check out our podcast The Fantasy Suite here. 

Next week, ABC is giving us 2 nights of Bachelor: A Bachelor 20^th anniversary celebration on Sunday then a new episode on Monday. If you overdose on Bach, does your tongue taste metallic like with a Pine Nut overdose? We’ll soon find out!  

Bachelor Chris Recap: The Women Tell All (And Rock Bold Lips)

Monday night was one of the favorite nights of every season of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.  This episode brings back almost all of the jilted ladies (save for a few forgettable gals who didn't make it past night one and the final two ladies who are living in a bunker somewhere until they can pretend to be engaged for 4-6 weeks, then call it off and go on to a career as a "TV personality") and without fail every woman shows up looking FRESH TO DEATH, as DJ Pauly D would say (go Rhode Island!).  The ladies are always dressed to the nines and rocking fresh highlights and/or extensions (I'm looking at you, Carly) and perfect make-up.  It's like how much you primp and prep when you know that you'll be running into your ex at a cocktail party TIMES INFINITY! #IHateMath.

On Monday night, the gang was all there...

Nikki – the former NFL cheerleader with dark hair who often looked surprised 

Trina – white girl with blonde hair looking great in yellow, which I find surprising (I'm an anti-blonde-white-women-in-yellow-dresses activist, usually) 

Jeulia – rad gal whose ex husband killed self and has a tyke at home 

Tara – drunk fly fishing enthusiast

Amber – looked so good I almost didn't recall who she was

Megan – the blonde gal who is NOT the brightest, but is rocking a great dark lip

Samantha – silent brunette

Jordan – other blonde drunk (who tried to plead her way back on by showing up to a cocktail party unannounced--what are you, ME?) 

Ashley S. – crazy train blondie 

Jillian – intense brunette who was pretty annoying, but she's rocking some rad earrings

Kelsey – Black Widow is rocking a bob even more unflattering than her previous haircut (quite an achievement)

Britt – bold lip as always, gold dress that looks very Forever 21

Mackenzie – young mom who loves aliens and might want to get some curl separator cream 

Ashley I. – female Bobby Bottleservice is sporting a flesh toned dress (my nightmare), plus tan lips (ugh), but her dark hair sorta balances it out. 

Jade – sporting a fiery red dress though she might be in the midst of a breakout 

Carly – resembles a disco dream in her sparkly dress, cool blonde hair color & bold eyes

Kaitlyn – she has completely grown on me and her white separates are sheer perfection 

We watch a montage of the good times and the bad times and before you know it, Britt has manipulated her way into the hot seat next to Chris Harrison.  Britt calls out her "former friend" Carly (what is this, 7th grade summer camp?) and asks why Carly pretended to be her friend.  Carly shoots straight and says that she tried to avoid drama in the house (read: this is a weird situation and we're all stuck together, so may as well go along to get along but crack wise in the interview room). Britt blames Carly for the fact that she was sent home and that dumb logic reminds me of when a high school girl's boyfriend would cheat on her with another girls and the jilted GF would inevitably go after the other woman.  

Haters gonna hate, but I have cool blonde hair now

Guess what, kid? That girl doesn't owe you anything.  YOUR BOYFRIEND is the one who did you wrong, here.  It was pretty delicious when Chris came out later to say that no, Carly didn't tell him what to do, HE didn't think that his relationship with Britt was progressing.  EAT IT, LA!  Britt says, in so many words, that Carly is jealous of her and I finally figure out what I find so repugnant about Britt: she treats Carly like a little, tagalong sister who isn't ALSO there vying for love.  She's a narcissist who plays a naif for attention and sympathy.  Blech.  Carly says that Britt is two faced and a good actress and I agree. Also, Britt clarifies that she WOULD be open to living in Arlington, Iowa as long as they wouldn't be living in the abandoned bank.

Up next is Black Widow Kelsey who Chris Harrison promptly asks, "why do you think that the women disliked you so much?"  Her response is so tone deaf and pitch perfect that I would think it was pulled from a Christopher Guest film if I hand't watched her say it: I've heard that I'm condescending and I use big words.  She throws out therapy soundbites like "honor my story" and "immeasurably blessed" but the best part happens when Chris Harrison asks Kelsey if she feels like she's better than these women and she responds, "how do you evaluate humanity?" Thanks for playing, Nietzsche!  Kelsey and Ashley I. get into it, Kelsey says something about how Ashley owes her an apology, and Ashley drops the greatest "gimme a friggin' break" facial expression of all time. 

Ashely S. (blonde crazy train) gets in the hot seat and semi-coherently says that she acted like such a space cadet all season because she was bored and she likes to be silly (OK, you rule, girl).  Chris Harrison begs her to do Bachelor In Paradise and her classic response to that request is, "It's so weird... that we're on TV." 

Jade gets some time with Chris Harrison during which she wonders if perhaps Prince Farming was lying when he said that her Playboy photos weren't a big deal. My heart goes out to her--people love to theorize about why a person would pose for photos like that and assume that these people are broken or defective somehow, but they aren't.  Jade has a great family, she's extremely close with her father--I admire her chutzpah.  To top it off, she says a line that I recite on the daily: shoot me straight.  Just tell me the truth.  

Up next is Kaitlyn who is looking gorgeous in white separates (a bold choice), modern heels (did you see them?), and a fuscia lip.  She says that she thinks about what happened every day (she made it to the top 3) and she's still confused by it all.  Kaitlyn is wonderfully candid and well-spoken, but after a few minutes her Canadian accent kept reminding me of Wheels Ontario.

Finally, Chris comes out and again, Britt spits out some crocodile tears in order to get time in the hot seat.  Does she somehow forget that Chris sent her home because he didn't like her attitude?  Chris says that Carly's warnings had nothing to do with it and that he didn't think they were moving forward. Britt somehow manipulates the conversation and ends up granting him good luck with his future and acting as though SHE is releasing HIM.  What just happened?  Kaitlyn calmly confronts him and Chris refers to the process as "like throwing darts at a dart  board in the dark" which is probably the most honest characterization of The Bachelor that I have ever heard.  Jade and Chris have a heartfelt conversation about his use of the word "disturbing" to describe his surprise at hearing Jade characterized as a "wild mustang" by her brother, then admits that it was a poor choice of words.  They hug and all is well.  

But before it's over, Chris Harrison has got to plug HIS NEW BOOK!  Trust me, as an author, I know how crucial it is to jump on any and every opportunity to whore out your book.  And with that, I encourage all of you to buy The New Rules for Blondes because mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Next week is the 3 hour finale and instead of each gal meeting The Bachelor's family in paradise, everything will be going down in Arlington, Iowa during the winter.  It's the bleakest midwintery-est Bachelor finale YET!  

Bach Chris Recap Ep 8, 9, who's keeping track anymore SOMEONE HELP ME

Jazzy cats!

I didn't get around to writing a Bachelor recap after last Monday's episode because I couldn't stomach 5 straight hours of Bach watching and THEN Bach recapping.  I had to have a life!  So a quick run-down of last Monday goes like this:

-Britt doesn’t get negged, Britt negs YOU!  The only thing that Britt loves more than wearing eye make-up 24/7 is avoiding public rejection, so she rudely disrupts a rose ceremony in order to avoid being left in the lineup.  She kicks rocks--I'm sure she's got some shifts to pick up at the restaurant in LA. Byeeeee. 

-Sadly, Carly gets sent home, too. YOU RULE ANYWAY, GIRL! 

-Becca's Nawlins family see her as a child and Becca's sister Katie can't get over the fact that little Becky Becks has brought a man home.  She's an adult--stop treating her like a tyke! 

-Whitney’s family is very sweet, but sister is a bit of a downer (with great taste in apartment decor). 

-Kaitlyn’s family is lovely and her mom is like her BFF, which is very sweet. 

-Jade and her father have a wonderful bond that brings tears to their eyes and the eyes of Bachelor Nation.  Jade was in Playboy AND has a fantastic relationship with her father, which was a really refreshing thing to watch on TV and an interesting topic for Bach to explore.  Sadly, Chris sends Jade home and insists it's not about the Playboy secret.  I believe him--is that naive? 

So we're down to 3 ladies and Prince Farming in Bali where they will be experiencing the infamous Fantasy Suite dates.  Chris says, “I’m going to want to know that the intimacy aspect can potentially be there” which a network-friendly euphemism for TEST DRIVE HUMPS!  Oh there are PLENTY more euphemisms where that came from! 

First up is Kaitlyn, the Canadian jokester who made a bad impression at first but has emerged as a fun and easygoing gal with a warm, big family.  Chris and Kaitlyn walk around Bali hugging people everywhere they go then make-out beneath a droopy tree.  That night, Kaitlyn rocks a bikini top and a bold, flowy skirt as Chris sweats through his button down shirt and they "eat dinner" (sit behind plates and make out).  In between spit-swapping, they throw around every dating cliche in the book: "put yourself out there," "open yourself up," and so on.  That night back at the fantasy suite, Kaitlyn tells Chris that she's completely falling in love with him and he reciprocates those comments.  Time to pull down the shades and KICK IT UP A NOTCH! 

The next day is a boat trip for Chris and Whitney and the captain of their boat loves ramming into docks almost as much as he loves doing the thumbs up.  I haven't seen this many instances of thumbs up since that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie dated the politician!

They strip down to their swimsuits, make-out while treading water, and drink.  That evening Whitney rocks a drapey, lime green summer dress (fantastic) and hair in a bun (you know when it's so damn hot and as much as you really WANT to rock your hair down in loose, beach waves, it's just like, my neck will be EN FUEGO!) and tells Chris that she's happily shelve her career in favor of being a wife and mother in Arlington, Iowa.  Hey, to each her own.  Chris hands Whitney the fantasy suite invite card and we watch the strange dance of sex negotiation for public consumption.  Finally, our bold blonde says "check, please!" and they head off for a night of INTIMATE EXPLORATION.

When it's that hot out, sometimes you rock
shorts like it's a school dance circa 1992

The next day, Becca is chilling by a rice paddy and I can't tell if she's wearing black, leather shorts or Umbros, but either way, she looks great.  Chris and Becca chug some coconut water (the kind straight from a coconut--not from Whole Foods), put on some layers and head into a temple, and get some love advice from a local wise man.  He says that Becca's biggest weakness is that she can't be controlled (bitches be making decisions for themselves!) and that they should make love. Aww snap--Wise Man is laying the ground work for a conversation that Becca has been meaning to have all season!  He really IS a wise man! That night Becca rocks a fantastic, short and flirty amber dress and wedge heels (like a disco queen dream!) and Chris continues his armpit sweat tour of Bali.  Over dinner, Chris says that the most important thing is that Becca be able to see herself living in Iowa and she doesn't give him much of a response.  She describes what it must feel like to fall in love like a scientist analyzing an experiment and agrees to go into the Fantasy Suite, where she will tell him that she is saving herself for marriage.  As they head into the suite, Chris says that they are going to "get to know each other on a whole different level--a level of intimacy that we haven’t been allowed" but he's about to get a curve ball.  Becca tells him that she still has her V card and Chris seems stunned and not thrilled and says that he respects it.  My take is that Chris has always seen her as a bit of a youngster (she's 26 to his 33, has never been in love, and her family practically showed him her Barbie Dreamhouse) and that's his only reservation with her.  

The next day Chris is scared of hurting a girl, terrified, and unsure.  Chris Harrison and Chris sit down for a conversation and Bachelor Nation's favorite host asks Prince Farming about the virgin Becca situation.  Did anyone else find it super creepy to hear them discuss her virginity--especially since Chris Harrison brought it up as information he knew, but Chris hadn't been the one to tell him?  So weird! 

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and HOLY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION this rose ceremony is going to happen on the hallowed ground of an Indonesian temple and they are all dressed up in traditional Balinese clothing.  Whitney is rocking a frosted pink lip and good volume in her updo and bun (not easy!), Kaitlyn has a fierce fuscia ensemble and lip, and Becca's loose bun looks effortlessly perfect (but you know it probably took six dozen tries to get right).  Everybody is ready to be loved/publicly humiliated and the 2 roses are stacked!  

But before he can hand out roses that have probably been kept on ice by a segment producer for the past week, Chris wants to have a quick talk with Becca.  Apparently they had an extremely intense conversation the morning after their Fantasy Suite night and they both feel unsettled.  Whitney and Kaitlyn assume that Chris is pulling her aside to send her home without the humiliation of a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn has a good laugh at that prospect (oh girl).  Becca somehow talks her way back to safety (you could TELL that Chris was about to stick her in a cab and send her back to Shreveport) and the rose ceremony is back on!  The music is TENSE! Whitney scores the first rose (her voice is pretty annoying, but she's a warm, bubbly lady and she is WICKED ready to settle down and be Mrs. Prince Farming) and you can tell that Kaitlyn knows what a rose for Whitney means for her.  Chris didn't escort Becca back into the temple just to send her home.  Becca is given the final rose and Kaitlyn is devastated.  Chris walks her out and Kaitlyn makes pained faces, cries into him, and finally gets in the rejection van.  In the van, she cries hard while putting her seat belt on (smart girl) and says that she just went through "the most humiliating moment of my whole friction' life" which warmed my heart.  Kaitlyn, you're fun and pretty and rad--you'll be just fine, sweet maple leaf.  And I used to hate you!  See there--you made a fan out of me! You'll land on your feet, sweet girl. 

Next week is the women tell all and I can't WAIT!  I'm sure that Britt has been applying make-up before bed every night in preparation and I bet that Kelsey has been flipping through her SAT vocab flashcards! 

Bachelor Chris Recap Ep 7: If Britt Aint Happy Aint Nobody Happy

Lovers!

On Sunday night while most of America watched the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, Bachelor Nation witnessed tears from the unlikeliest of places (former Bachelorette Andi and shower hater Britt), a Friday Night Lights-themed date, and Carly serving as the spiritual guide to Chris Soules.

The first hour of Sunday night's show was a "Chris Tells All" special, which we have never seen this early in the season.  Chris weighed in on some of the zanier characters (legit crazy Ashley S., blonde booze hounds Tara and Jordan, Jillian and her bizarre hypotheticals about homeless humps) but he wasn't the only one who got time on camera.  Kelsey came back, smug as ever, and further rambled about her eloquence then proceeded to use the word "ameliorate" wrong.  The Bach editors did the Lord's work when they cut up shots of smug Kelsey claiming to take the high road and saying that she really respects Ashley I. and thinks she's an amazing person interspersed with her taking cheap shots at the "Kardashian" who she insinuates is dumb and low class.  Andi Dofman always returned to talk about her break-up from Josh (Armpit Tats who used to be a pro baseball player and refuses to stop talking about it), which she says they had been struggling with for a while (because you picked a TOTAL JERK, girl!).  Andi's emotional and says the breakup was mutual and caused by their shared inability to support each other (ouch) and Chris Harrison gives her some kind words.  Enough of this talking head therapy stuff--we want action!  Drama!  Tears in different settings!

Back in the game, Kelsey and Ashley I. have just been dumped in the Badlands and the remaining ladies and Chris are at the cocktail party.  Chris pulls aside Megan (who is single-handedly keeping the notion of dumb blondes alive) and she says quite candidly that she thinks they aren't moving forward and other girls are.  Chris agrees and they part ways gracefully which STUNS the remaining 6 women.  Britt has her arms around someone (as always) and it finally hits me that she's one of those girls who is just much too touchy-feely with her friends.  Do you know the type I mean?  I get it, you're FRIENDS!  Chris Harrison tells the ladies that there WILL still be a rose ceremony but then Chris Soules says that there will NOT be a rose ceremony and everybody's going to Iowa!

They land in Des Moines and the 6 remaining ladies walk around downtown while Britt rocks a look that's best described as "L.A. Trash" (paper bagged sweatpants, really?) before Jade gets the first 1:1 date of the episode.

Jade is driven to Arlington (population: 400) where she sees Chris' house (holy bland bedroom sets, Batman!), cruises with him on his motorcycle, and attends a local high school football game with him.  Varsity Blues has got nothing on that date (though a whipped cream bikini would have really spiced things up).  Chris and Jade walk around his former high school where Jade tells him that she had a rebellious streak in her younger years (oh just you wait, Prince Farming) and they make out by the lockers.

Back at the hotel, the ladies are gathered around and it looks like a lipstick commercial thanks to Britt (bold red), Kaitlyn (fierce fuscia), and Becca (nude lip--a girl after my own heart!).  The next 1:1 goes to Whitney (voice like nails on a chalk board) and Britt is finally getting a sense of what life is like for all the other girls.  It's tough, huh, Red Lips?

For their 1:1, Whitney dresses up like she's about to attend a Pearl Jam concert circa 1994 and they pose for kissing photos all over Des Moines.  Whitney is perfectly nice but she's just a bit over enthusiastic and annoying for my taste, but she definitely grew on me during their date.  They go out for drinks that evening (and walk by a crowd of excited Des Moinans--is that what you call them?) and meet up with 3 of Chris' buddies at the bar.  Chris' pals lob some tough questions at Whitney and she handles them with aplomb, then tells Chris that she has no parents (was raised by a single mom who died unexpectedly about 10 years ago) and suddenly I find Whitney's bubbly nature much more charming and compelling than I did just a moment before.  They exit the restaurant to find a poorly-drawn version of their outdoor photo as a mural against the restaurant's wall.  Whitney is so excited by it that she straddles Chris (there was a whole lotta straddling going on in that episode).

While Whitney and Chris were canoodling all over Des Moines, Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Becca (remember her? Silent virgin this episode) take a road trip to Arlington to "see the sights" and learn just how small it is.

Later, Jade confides in Carly that she posed for Playboy a few years ago and that her father learned about it via a co-worker.  Yikes!  She wants to tell Chris about it before he finds out on his own and Carly wonders if this will be a deal-breaker for Prince Farming, saying, "hey mom, don't google my wife." Oh Carly, you are the greatest.

It's time for a group date of Chris, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly.  Britt continues to boggle my mind with her hipster/juvenile/90s grunge/LA trash fashion choices and Kaitlyn grows on me, which I never would have seen coming a few weeks ago.  The foursome skates around an ice rink, has some 1:1 conversation time, then has drinks in an antiques store.  Carly shoots straight with Chris, saying that Britt pronounced that she could NEVER live in Arlington after this road trip.  That is not the line that Britt has been selling Chris and Bachelor Nation holds its collective breath that Chris will see Britt for what she really is--a Hollywood-based "waitress" (actress) who is on the show in hopes of scoring her own lipstick line (and/or D list fame).  Kaitlyn and Chris have an honest talk about how she started out strong but has felt insecure the past few weeks and Chris gives her a rose, meaning she'll definitely be taking Chris up to Canada to mer the parents.

For the first time this season, Britt is NOT showered with attention via Chris and she's ANGRY.  That's what everyone else has been feeling all season, girl.  Welcome to the normal club.  Chris and Kaitlyn return and Britt shakes her head at Chris, gives him a death stare, and then insinuates that she wouldn't want to introduce him to her parents.  Carly looks off but probably smiles as Britt reveals her true colors (it aint all bold lipstick--if Britt aint happy, aint nobody happy) and Chris seems shocked to see this side of her.  Carly has been doing important work and I applaud her for it! Britt tries to justify her tantrum, saying "I only have one family" as though that's not the normal state of affairs for MOST people.

That night all of the gals except Britt have a chat about how much she did herself in with her tantrum.  I think she did and I can't wait to see tonight's episode!

Bachelor Chris Recap Ep 6: These Badlands AINT Treating Us Good

Lovers!

I am ridiculously late w/ my recap, but did you watch my brilliant re-enactment?  My impressions of the girls are award-winning ("Best Impression of a Reality TV Wackadoo" -my roommate), but my written recaps are what the kids keep coming back for.  So what happened on Monday?

The episode started with a leftover rose ceremony (thanks to Kelsey's "panic attack"--err--tantrum thrown to force Chris to talk to her while she rocked an oxygen mask--hot look, psycho!) during which Samantha and Mackenzie were sent packing.  You're probably thinking, "Samantha Who?" and I'm like, "that was the name of a short-lived Christina Applegate sitcom and didn't you think that her first husband was a HOTTIE but I sorta wonder if something is up with him based on his romantic history BUT ALSO Samantha the girl on The Bachelor said a grand total of 5 words this season."  Mackenzie, everyone's favorite 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist was also sent back to her son.  I'm sure he's relieved not to be living in the produce isle anymore (KALE JOKES).

The remaining 9 ladies and Chris head to Deadwood, South Dakota (which Megan would probably be stunned to learn isn't located anywhere near The Dakota in New York City) where they braced themselves for a 1:1, a group date, and the infamous Bachelor 2:1.  The 2:1 functions like Elimidate (rest in peace, sweet show) and one girl is sent packing from that date.  Well, USUALLY one girl is sent home but this season has NO RULEZZZ!!!!

Becca (awesome hair, blindingly white teeth, chill attitude) scores the first 1:1 and I'm psyched for her.  She's been a cool gal from the start and she's been wise to hang back a bit and slowly reveal her personality to Chris.  They ride horses, shoot guns, roast kebabs, and finally share their first kiss.  She gets a rose.

Back at the hotel (which was a friggin' Holiday Inn--did anyone else notice that?) Carly, Whitney, and another forgettable long-haired white girl are confronting Kelsey about how fake she is (which is a phenomenon much like Law and Order--it's always happening somewhere, every moment of every day).  Kelsey has a black belt in manipulation and shirking responsibility because she immediately gets super patronizing with them, mentions her dead husband, says that she was "confused"  passive-aggressive people LOVE claiming they are "confused" but they know exactly what is going on), and says she feels that they are ganging up on her.  In her confessional interview she says, "I'm blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use big words."  Girl, you misused the words "ensued" and "myriad" last episode, so quit acting like you're Little Miss Language Arts  You're pulling out friggin' PSAT vocab, kid.  Sit down.

The next day is a group date and the crew is Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan (who still hasn't quite gotten the hang of how things work when your name gets called).  Their date is a day with Big and Rich (the "last kids picked in gym class" of Top 40 Country Music) during which the ladies write original country songs then perform them while accompanied by a filthy prospector on banjo.  Kaitlyn raps (dumb chills), Britt emotes too much (gross), and Carly wins the day with her beautiful, sweet, melodic serenade to Chris.  But no one can deny the sexual chemistry between Britt and Chris, the likes of which we haven't seen since Juan Pablo and Clare (but we remember how that turned out, DON'T WE?).  That night at the after party the girls are left sitting around for 60 MINUTES while Britt and Chris sneak off to attend a Big and Rich concert nearby.  Couldn't they have just sent the rest of the women home and said that Britt and Chris got an extended date?  The girls who were kept waiting feel frustrated and humiliated and somehow I now find myself really liking Kaitlyn.  Who saw that coming?  Britt continues to spin her web of lies, saying that she loves country music, so she gets a rose.  Small note: Whitney, don't wear a scarf that is the same color of both your hair and your skin, girl.  Just a tip.

It's time of the 2:1 and I haven't seen a match-up this exciting since Tyson vs. Douglas in 1990: Ashley I. aka Female Bobby Bottlservice aka New Jersey Kardashian VS. Kelsey aka Smuggest Lady in the Land aka Talbots #1 Fan.  Their date will take place in The Badlands, which I then learned is more than just a great Bruce Springsteen song.  They cruise into the barren wasteland on a helicopter and a bed is set up for the purposes of capturing fierce side-eye.  Ashley gets alone time with Chris, during which she reminds him that she's completely inexperienced (by cartoonishly shoving her tongue down his throat) and informs him that Kelsey is this season's pariah (a more frumpily dressed Courtney or Vienna or Tierra).  Kelsey then wins some alone time with Chris during which she describes their potential life together in a manner more boring way than I have ever heard.  Chris gently brings up what Ashley said (and admits that Ashley JUST said something to him, which was more of a bonehead move on his part than a malicious maneuver, I think).  Kelsey plays the victim as usual, saying that she considers Ashley a friend.  Cry me a river, weirdo.

The two girls end up sitting on the bed together and Kelsey attempts to stare Ashley down, but Ashley isn't having it (good girl).  Finally, Kelsey snarls, "I know what you did" and Ashley says that she knows that Kelsey thinks she's stupid, but they both have their masters degrees "and I actually have it from a good place" (a line that made me ERUPT IN APPLAUSE at home).  Suddenly I'm on Team Ashley.  Poor Man's Kim K. walks off to confront Chris and, sadly for her, she simply cannot keep her shit together.  She has a meltdown, Chris sends her home, she storms off, she storms back in, they hug, finally she storms off again.  Girl.  At least keep it together when you are getting dumped--never let 'em see you sweat!  Chris retreats to Kelsey and I gotta say, I haven't seen a woman so smug and entitled since the last time I went to Starbucks (so, this morning).  Kelsey hugs him and tries to play the role of dutiful, doting wife but then Chris pulls a truly UNPRECEDENTED move (Chris Harrison was loving it, no doubt) and he gives Kelsey the Heisman, too! Aww snap--there are no rules!  Chris gives Kelsey the old "see you in hell," hops in a helicopter and jets outta there.  The remaining ladies celebrate Kelsey's departure with bubbly.

Next week we have so much Bach it's going to be inane: Sunday night AND Monday night.  I"ll try to stay on top of it, lovers!

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 5: Britt & Kelsey: YA SUSPECT

On Monday night's episode (which I just watched on Tuesday night because I had a gig on Monday night, then chowed a large fries from McDonalds on the subway where I ran into a cutie who I went on a bunch of dates with about a year ago) the 11 ladies and Prince Farming traveled to Santa Fe, New Mexico (which is part of the United States, but apparently Megan slept through Social Studies class from grades K-12) for some sunshine, wine, hot air balloons, and DRAMA!

I'll keep this quick since my recap is so late.  I'm sorry, sweet lovers.

Carly gets the first 1:1 date card and it says "let's come together" which we will understand the meaning of momentarily.  Her eyebrows are a little bit over plucked and she looks perpetually surprised as a result, but Carly is my favorite since last week.  She spoke openly about how a lot of guys in her past had been crummy to her, yet she maintains a bubbly, positive attitude and I want to mail her a BFF necklace cause Carly is MY GIRL.  She meets up with Chris at a southwestern style house (are those called adobos? Did I make that up? Do you guys ever work with Adobe Acrobat? God that stuff needs updating friggin' every day, huh?) and they walk out to the backyard where they meet a "Love and Intimacy Mentor" (cough--wanna-be therapist who couldn't be bothered to get legitimately licensed--cough).  The "Love Guru" (as Chris called her--was that a subtle promo for a much maligned Mike Myers flick? ABC loves its cross promotion!) is named a cluster of consonants and I can only assume she adopted that name after graduating from Oberlin and quitting her short term gig at the coffee house.  Chris and Carly are forced to change into white tunics, rub each other, feed each other fruit and chocolate (brain surgeon Megan already did that last week--awkward!), and confess their relationship insecurities.  Chris says something about his fear of not opening up and Carly brings down the house (that is, brings me to tears inside my house) by saying that she's afraid that she's not worthy of love. GURL, have you been reading transcripts of my therapist appointments for the past 8 years? I FEEL YA!  Carly might be the most candid, real, heartbreaking, heartwarming, winning, lovely gal in this entire franchise.

That night once the Love Guru has disappeared (presumably to apply MORE bronzer though somebody should cut her off), Chris and Carly sip wine by a roaring fire and get shockingly honest and real for The Bachelor.  I know it sounds like I'm drinking the Bach Kool Aid, but I mean it, gang!  Carly shares that she never thought of herself as pretty and that her ex-boyfriend made her feel undesirable and insecure, then Chris says that he's afraid that he's "not enough" (with regard to being a small town boy/farmer).  I wish that Chris Harrison had been there to say that this scene was UNPRECEDENTED in Chris and Carly's candor, vulnerability, and genuine sharing.  Carly gets a rose and I say END THE SEASON! Marry this gemstone, Chris!  She'll stop touring on those cruise ships for you--I know it!  Also Carly, I'm sorry for joking that you looked like an adult Jean Benet Ramsey--I love you, girl!

Back at the house, Kelsey (who has gone from "diversity girl because of her short hair" to "Two Faced Psychopath" in a week's time) is sharing the story of how her ex-husband died and she's extremely casual and nonchalant about it (which Ashley I. comments on) and says that she needs alone time to tell Chris about it.  I smell foreshadowing!

The next day is a group date and when Jade (brunette who had Cinderella date last week), Megan (what did she get on her SAT? Nail polish), Kaitlyn (where are all your jokes NOW, huh, Canada?), Whitney (please just don't talk), Mackenzie (I know SOMEBODY who is fired up for The X Files 3), Becca (virgin, but doesn't make a big deal about it unlike SOME baby deer I know), Samantha (she must be a joke among the producers because she has not gotten to say a WORD on camera), Ashley I. (female, non-slutty Bobbly Bottleservice), and Kelsey (Black Widow) meet Chris on the banks of the Rio Grande and it's a parade of yoga pants.  Today's activity will be white water rafting and the crew is given a few warnings by a man named Sisquo (the years have NOT been good to the legendary singer of The Thong Song).  Whitney scores a seat in the raft next to Chris, Jade gets thrown into the water and then rubbed down by Chris (she has a medical condition that impedes her circulation), and the ever-classy Mackenzie and Kelsey mock Jade for having bad circulation. 

That night as Chris walks to the after party to meet up with the gals, he is intercepted by Jordan, a girl who was negged during week 2 and you may not even recall who she is. She was mostly drunk, blonde, and less memorable than the other drunk, blonde chick who was also sent home that same week.  Jordan is not drunk for a change and she tells Chris that she drove to New Mexico from Colorado (press the button hidden in the desk! SOMEONE! Security!), says that she doesn't want to bother him (too late), and she wants to try again. Umm girl, I don't think it matters if YOU want to try again.  Chris is too nice for his own good, so he lets her join the cocktail party (and enters the party arm-in-arm with Blonde Boozehound) then deals with the fallout for the rest of the night.  Chris, did Rock of Love Season 3 teach us NOTHING about the dangerous ramifications of adding ladies into the mix late in the game?  Finally, at the close of the cocktail party, Chris tells Jordan that she has to go home (but not before Ashley I. and Whitney can get into a tussle about how Jordan should be treated and, for once, I'm on Team Ashley).  Whitney scores a rose and then Ashley kvetches to Mackenzie that Whitney "hates me and I don't even know why" while she rocks a terrible, much-too-short, white sundress thing.  Ashley truly embodies the dichotomy of the virgin/whore all by herself.  

Back at the hotel, Carly and Britt are hanging out and we learn that Carly NEVER showers (eww), never shaves her legs (gross), and rarely washes her hair (OK I get that).  At 4:30 am that morning, Chris wakes Britt up pledge-style and we see that Britt really DOES sleep in a face full of make-up (brace yourself for a wicked break-out, girl).  They drive into the desert and go on a sunrise hot air balloon ride, then spend some time back in Chris' hotel room.  

The producers cut up footage of the ladies saying that Britt has admitted that she doesn't want to get married or have kids (the women are SCANDALIZED by this, and I suppose get it, but also, PLENTY of women still want love and lifeline partnership but not necessarily traditional marriage and kids) with Britt telling Chris that she wants "like 100 kids" (grody).  Any way you slice it, Britt's suspect.  


Suspect or not, Britt and Chris then "take a nap" (replacing "went swimming in the ocean" from Juan Pablo's season as the latest euphemism for humps).  When Britt returns to the Concubine Cave, the ladies want to hear the all the details (WHY?) so Britt dishes it out: hot air balloon ride, room service, took a nap.  All of the gals wish that they hadn't asked and Kelsey takes off to get dolled up and have some alone time with Chris. 

Kelsey's version of "dolled up" comes straight out of the Talbots catalogue and she struts to Chris' hotel room like an irate mother going into an elementary school to reprimand her son's homeroom teacher.  

Knock Knock, Chris!
Sexy Kelsey coming through!

She tells Chris that she's "stealing this time" and launches in on the story of her late husband (who she speaks about by his FULL NAME, which surprised me--I wonder how HIS family feels about all this).  As she tells him about how Sanderson (seriously, bro?) died suddenly on a sunny day in Austin, her tear-soaked monologue is intercut with her private interviews with producers during which she says "isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing" and "I love my story." First off, wouldn't you LOVE for your late husband to be ALIVE instead of you having a story to trot out at dinner parties and on reality TV?  Second, the characterization of Kelsey as a tragic widow figure who is picking up the pieces of her life via a reality TV dating show is something that the PRODUCERS should be gunning for--not Kelsey. It's as though Kelsey suffers from a disassociation from her own identity and is using the tragic circumstances of her late husband's death to craft a more interesting and multi-faceted backstory for the "character" that she plays.  Is that over analytical enough for you? Either way, she's a straight-up SOCIOPATH.  She also needs to learn how to use the word "ensued" and note that the proper use of "myriad" is NEVER "myriad of" but just "myriad."  But I digress.  Kelsey and Chris share a super awkward, forced first kiss after she's done talking about her dead first love. Creepy.

Finally it's cocktail party time and the 11 ladies are like a sea of short dresses and booties (very on trend!), but of course Ashley I. is wearing a GOWN.  When will she break out a tiara, I wonder? Samantha (brunette mystery lady who has yet to speak ONE WORD on camera) finally gets a line about how she's excited or nervous or something. Britt, Whitney, and Carly have roses from the week's events, so they are definitely safe.  Whitney comments that Kelsey seems strangely confident and Black Widow (White Widow?) insinuates that she will definitely NOT be on the receiving end of rejection tonight just before Chris arrives.  He greets the women, reveals that Kelsey came to his room earlier (Aww snap! Prince Farming sings like a BIRD!), then gets choked up and walks off.  The girls are shocked/awed/pissed/suspicious and Kelsey tries to explain herself, saying that she needed to talk to Chris privately in order to "honor her story" (oh SHUT UP, girl).  Ashley laments that SHE doesn't  have some big, sad story to share and she's pissed about that because the show has become a "comparison game of sad stories" (you're right, but you're still a moron).  Kelsey has another trick up her sleeve, though, and it's a crying/screaming/mewling tantrum (something she is lucid enough to clearly describe to the random passer-by as a "panic attack") on the floor.  A panic attack is super convenient because no one knows quite what one looks like.  I don't mean to downplay people who truly suffer from panic attacks, but from Kelsey, I just aint buying it.  

The episode ends with a black screen that says "To Be Continued..." and a preview of tons of tears next week.  As far as episode 5 goes, Britt & Kelsey, I've said it before and I'll say it again: YA SUSPECT.