Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 5: Britt & Kelsey: YA SUSPECT

On Monday night's episode (which I just watched on Tuesday night because I had a gig on Monday night, then chowed a large fries from McDonalds on the subway where I ran into a cutie who I went on a bunch of dates with about a year ago) the 11 ladies and Prince Farming traveled to Santa Fe, New Mexico (which is part of the United States, but apparently Megan slept through Social Studies class from grades K-12) for some sunshine, wine, hot air balloons, and DRAMA!

I'll keep this quick since my recap is so late.  I'm sorry, sweet lovers.

Carly gets the first 1:1 date card and it says "let's come together" which we will understand the meaning of momentarily.  Her eyebrows are a little bit over plucked and she looks perpetually surprised as a result, but Carly is my favorite since last week.  She spoke openly about how a lot of guys in her past had been crummy to her, yet she maintains a bubbly, positive attitude and I want to mail her a BFF necklace cause Carly is MY GIRL.  She meets up with Chris at a southwestern style house (are those called adobos? Did I make that up? Do you guys ever work with Adobe Acrobat? God that stuff needs updating friggin' every day, huh?) and they walk out to the backyard where they meet a "Love and Intimacy Mentor" (cough--wanna-be therapist who couldn't be bothered to get legitimately licensed--cough).  The "Love Guru" (as Chris called her--was that a subtle promo for a much maligned Mike Myers flick? ABC loves its cross promotion!) is named a cluster of consonants and I can only assume she adopted that name after graduating from Oberlin and quitting her short term gig at the coffee house.  Chris and Carly are forced to change into white tunics, rub each other, feed each other fruit and chocolate (brain surgeon Megan already did that last week--awkward!), and confess their relationship insecurities.  Chris says something about his fear of not opening up and Carly brings down the house (that is, brings me to tears inside my house) by saying that she's afraid that she's not worthy of love. GURL, have you been reading transcripts of my therapist appointments for the past 8 years? I FEEL YA!  Carly might be the most candid, real, heartbreaking, heartwarming, winning, lovely gal in this entire franchise.

That night once the Love Guru has disappeared (presumably to apply MORE bronzer though somebody should cut her off), Chris and Carly sip wine by a roaring fire and get shockingly honest and real for The Bachelor.  I know it sounds like I'm drinking the Bach Kool Aid, but I mean it, gang!  Carly shares that she never thought of herself as pretty and that her ex-boyfriend made her feel undesirable and insecure, then Chris says that he's afraid that he's "not enough" (with regard to being a small town boy/farmer).  I wish that Chris Harrison had been there to say that this scene was UNPRECEDENTED in Chris and Carly's candor, vulnerability, and genuine sharing.  Carly gets a rose and I say END THE SEASON! Marry this gemstone, Chris!  She'll stop touring on those cruise ships for you--I know it!  Also Carly, I'm sorry for joking that you looked like an adult Jean Benet Ramsey--I love you, girl!

Back at the house, Kelsey (who has gone from "diversity girl because of her short hair" to "Two Faced Psychopath" in a week's time) is sharing the story of how her ex-husband died and she's extremely casual and nonchalant about it (which Ashley I. comments on) and says that she needs alone time to tell Chris about it.  I smell foreshadowing!

The next day is a group date and when Jade (brunette who had Cinderella date last week), Megan (what did she get on her SAT? Nail polish), Kaitlyn (where are all your jokes NOW, huh, Canada?), Whitney (please just don't talk), Mackenzie (I know SOMEBODY who is fired up for The X Files 3), Becca (virgin, but doesn't make a big deal about it unlike SOME baby deer I know), Samantha (she must be a joke among the producers because she has not gotten to say a WORD on camera), Ashley I. (female, non-slutty Bobbly Bottleservice), and Kelsey (Black Widow) meet Chris on the banks of the Rio Grande and it's a parade of yoga pants.  Today's activity will be white water rafting and the crew is given a few warnings by a man named Sisquo (the years have NOT been good to the legendary singer of The Thong Song).  Whitney scores a seat in the raft next to Chris, Jade gets thrown into the water and then rubbed down by Chris (she has a medical condition that impedes her circulation), and the ever-classy Mackenzie and Kelsey mock Jade for having bad circulation. 

That night as Chris walks to the after party to meet up with the gals, he is intercepted by Jordan, a girl who was negged during week 2 and you may not even recall who she is. She was mostly drunk, blonde, and less memorable than the other drunk, blonde chick who was also sent home that same week.  Jordan is not drunk for a change and she tells Chris that she drove to New Mexico from Colorado (press the button hidden in the desk! SOMEONE! Security!), says that she doesn't want to bother him (too late), and she wants to try again. Umm girl, I don't think it matters if YOU want to try again.  Chris is too nice for his own good, so he lets her join the cocktail party (and enters the party arm-in-arm with Blonde Boozehound) then deals with the fallout for the rest of the night.  Chris, did Rock of Love Season 3 teach us NOTHING about the dangerous ramifications of adding ladies into the mix late in the game?  Finally, at the close of the cocktail party, Chris tells Jordan that she has to go home (but not before Ashley I. and Whitney can get into a tussle about how Jordan should be treated and, for once, I'm on Team Ashley).  Whitney scores a rose and then Ashley kvetches to Mackenzie that Whitney "hates me and I don't even know why" while she rocks a terrible, much-too-short, white sundress thing.  Ashley truly embodies the dichotomy of the virgin/whore all by herself.  

Back at the hotel, Carly and Britt are hanging out and we learn that Carly NEVER showers (eww), never shaves her legs (gross), and rarely washes her hair (OK I get that).  At 4:30 am that morning, Chris wakes Britt up pledge-style and we see that Britt really DOES sleep in a face full of make-up (brace yourself for a wicked break-out, girl).  They drive into the desert and go on a sunrise hot air balloon ride, then spend some time back in Chris' hotel room.  

The producers cut up footage of the ladies saying that Britt has admitted that she doesn't want to get married or have kids (the women are SCANDALIZED by this, and I suppose get it, but also, PLENTY of women still want love and lifeline partnership but not necessarily traditional marriage and kids) with Britt telling Chris that she wants "like 100 kids" (grody).  Any way you slice it, Britt's suspect.  

Suspect or not, Britt and Chris then "take a nap" (replacing "went swimming in the ocean" from Juan Pablo's season as the latest euphemism for humps).  When Britt returns to the Concubine Cave, the ladies want to hear the all the details (WHY?) so Britt dishes it out: hot air balloon ride, room service, took a nap.  All of the gals wish that they hadn't asked and Kelsey takes off to get dolled up and have some alone time with Chris. 

Kelsey's version of "dolled up" comes straight out of the Talbots catalogue and she struts to Chris' hotel room like an irate mother going into an elementary school to reprimand her son's homeroom teacher.  
Knock Knock, Chris!
Sexy Kelsey coming through!

She tells Chris that she's "stealing this time" and launches in on the story of her late husband (who she speaks about by his FULL NAME, which surprised me--I wonder how HIS family feels about all this).  As she tells him about how Sanderson (seriously, bro?) died suddenly on a sunny day in Austin, her tear-soaked monologue is intercut with her private interviews with producers during which she says "isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing" and "I love my story." First off, wouldn't you LOVE for your late husband to be ALIVE instead of you having a story to trot out at dinner parties and on reality TV?  Second, the characterization of Kelsey as a tragic widow figure who is picking up the pieces of her life via a reality TV dating show is something that the PRODUCERS should be gunning for--not Kelsey. It's as though Kelsey suffers from a disassociation from her own identity and is using the tragic circumstances of her late husband's death to craft a more interesting and multi-faceted backstory for the "character" that she plays.  Is that over analytical enough for you? Either way, she's a straight-up SOCIOPATH.  She also needs to learn how to use the word "ensued" and note that the proper use of "myriad" is NEVER "myriad of" but just "myriad."  But I digress.  Kelsey and Chris share a super awkward, forced first kiss after she's done talking about her dead first love. Creepy.

Finally it's cocktail party time and the 11 ladies are like a sea of short dresses and booties (very on trend!), but of course Ashley I. is wearing a GOWN.  When will she break out a tiara, I wonder? Samantha (brunette mystery lady who has yet to speak ONE WORD on camera) finally gets a line about how she's excited or nervous or something. Britt, Whitney, and Carly have roses from the week's events, so they are definitely safe.  Whitney comments that Kelsey seems strangely confident and Black Widow (White Widow?) insinuates that she will definitely NOT be on the receiving end of rejection tonight just before Chris arrives.  He greets the women, reveals that Kelsey came to his room earlier (Aww snap! Prince Farming sings like a BIRD!), then gets choked up and walks off.  The girls are shocked/awed/pissed/suspicious and Kelsey tries to explain herself, saying that she needed to talk to Chris privately in order to "honor her story" (oh SHUT UP, girl).  Ashley laments that SHE doesn't  have some big, sad story to share and she's pissed about that because the show has become a "comparison game of sad stories" (you're right, but you're still a moron).  Kelsey has another trick up her sleeve, though, and it's a crying/screaming/mewling tantrum (something she is lucid enough to clearly describe to the random passer-by as a "panic attack") on the floor.  A panic attack is super convenient because no one knows quite what one looks like.  I don't mean to downplay people who truly suffer from panic attacks, but from Kelsey, I just aint buying it.  

The episode ends with a black screen that says "To Be Continued..." and a preview of tons of tears next week.  As far as episode 5 goes, Britt & Kelsey, I've said it before and I'll say it again: YA SUSPECT.   

No comments:

Post a Comment