I Endured 4 Hours of BinP

Beloved Readers!

Last night I sat in the piping hot living room of my fourth floor walk-up apartment and endured FOUR HOURS of Bachelor In Paradise, as both a test of endurance and to prove my love to you.



Where do I begin? How do I express 240 minutes of STD Shack without unspooling a tawdry tome from my dome piece?  Bullets.  It's all I can do.  Here we go, 4 hours of BinP, bullet style:

-Graham is sweating like Matty McConaughey in "A Time To Kill" but he accepts the rose from AshLee anyway. Dude, your BODY is saying no but your mind is saying yes (or some other such R. Kelly lyric).
-Lacey then has to puke and complains of cramps, which her loverly Marcus refers to as "terrifying" but guy, it's called having your PERIOD. She gets taken away in an ambulance and hospitalized for bad cramps. (Usually I just eat Congo Bars and get weepy in public, but hey, she's in PARADISE!)
-Finally, more roses are given out and the result is that Kalon and Marquel are going home. Two completely opposite guys in that Kalon is universally reviled by all other contestants and Marquel makes friends everywhere he goes.
-Was Marcus friggin' serious when he was IN the hospital bed with Lacey and spooning her as her vitals were taken? I wish that a surly nurse had yelled at him to get out of the patient's bed.
-Christy arrives (a forgettable blonde from Juan Pablo's season whose accent reveals that she must have grown up either in a Denny's parking lot in Illinois or a Denny's parking lot in Syracuse, NY) and she has a date card! She wants to ask Zack but he says no out of respect for Clare (good call) so she asks Jesse and stumbles upon a nightmare cause that kid SUUUUUUUUX.
-Sarah and Robert go on a date and after they awkwardly bonk heads, they finally bonk mouths.
-Macklemore on Roids (Cody) is so intense with Michelle! He wants to talk about their future and she wants to take about quad size.
-Zack and Clare discuss their relationship and Clare wisely says that there's no "figuring it out" and "either you're into it or you're not into it" then opts to leave paradise. She rules. I just wish she had left without even saying goodbye to Zack--now THAT would have been a cool way to exit. She'd be a Mexican girl giving an Irish goodbye!
-We're down to 6 girls, 6 guys when who romps down the beach by LUCY, the "free spirit" trust fund kid who can afford to do whatever she wants in this life! Lucy's still Lucy--overexcited, lil bit kookoo, and unable to control her body. Also, she lives by the mantra "TITS OUT!"
-Lucy and Jesse go on a date to some ruins and Christy is upset because Lucy is her BFF and Jesse is her crush. I got news for ya, Christy, THEY'RE BOTH TERRIBLE.
-Michelle and Cody's date is to go swimming while fully dressed in wedding attire. Is this Bachelor in Paradise or a lifeguard test on Lake Winnepausauke?  MAKE THE JEANS INTO A FLOTATION DEVICE!
-AshLee and Graham went on a date to a race track because Graham can't figure out how to get away from a girl who he isn't even officially dating.
-Marcus dropped the L bomb on Lacey. ("They'll make tan babies" -Sarah saying the greatest thing ever).
-Did Lucy, Christy, and Jesse have a 3some? Did they all fall in love because they share a hard "e" pronunciation in their first names? Probsies.
-Rose ceremony ensues and Lucy gets dropped like a free spirit who's actually wildly annoying and not "free spirited" at all. (Yes, that's a smilie made from the thing the simile is about--META! LAZY!)

OK, HOUR #3 IS UNFOLDING. Chug some Gatorade cause these kids aint done falling in and out of love while sandy.

-Brooks arrives and for whatever reason, some girls are excited. He was in the top 3 during Desiree's season (my recap of his final episode here) and he's known for being disinterested in everything and speaking in a whisper--WHAT A CATCH! Sarah digs him and Brooks seems to dig her, but Robert refers to Sarah as his "bae" and commands Brooks to back off. Hot move by Robert, but when did everyone starting calling everyone "bae"? It's friggin' everywhere and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
-What was with all the ladies wearing boho/hippie/Coachella style headbands? It's a cute look but man that trend rocked their house like a summertime storm.
-Tasos appears (guy from Andi's season whose exit never aired because it was in the episode when the rich adventurer guy died) and asks Christy on a date. Christy seems to have grown some self-esteem post-Jesse and they have a lovely time. Did Tasos become TEN times hotter since we last saw him? On The Bachelorette I wasn't really a fan of his, but now I am.
-Zack's jealous of Jaki and Brook's flirtation, but then he scores a date card and gets some hot & heavy cave time with Jaki. That girl must be a former gymnast because she has got some killer muscle tone that didn't show up yesterday, ya know?
-It's cocktail party time and there are 8 guys, 6 women, so 2 men are getting the Heisman and a 1 way ticket back to Normal Life, USA. Based on the couples in paradise, it's Brooks, Zack, Tasos, and Jesse who are on the line.
-Zack and Brooks are both courting Jaki hard, but Brooks was mistakenly told that women love it when guys give them manicures. Bad news, Brooks: a guy who can do a mani and speaks in a whisper is NOT a guy who anybody likes.
-Jesse is a sweaty, drunk sociopath who hunts down "dumb blonde" Christy (his words) then tries to manipulate her into feeling like she iced him out and he feels rejected. Oh man I wish somebody would take Jesse around back and pummel him.
-Michelle Money looked like a take-no-shit brothel owner and also acted like it, which I loved. Watching those 3 ladies light into Jesse was the best thing I've seen since Emily Maynard told Kalon to "get the F out."
-Dressed like a boat captain, Jesse decides to leave "ON HIS OWN TERMS" (if you know my standup, that will mean something) rather than suffer the indignity of a rose ceremony. As we say in Kickassachusetts, what a friggin' pussy. Although I gotta admit I LOVED listening to him wax poetic about all the best buddies he just made and all the plans they'd have post-show. Everybody hates ya, kid.

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and who chose who?
-Lacey gave a rose to Marcus (holy 80s prom pastels, Lacey!)
-AshLee grave a rose to Graham (cool cropped top, but not as cool as her CASINO style look from the rose ceremony 2 hours back... seems like just yesterday, huh?)
-Sarah gave a rose to Robert (and rocked a KILLER flamenco style top!)
-Michelle gave a rose to Cody (crazy updo, feather earrings, backless shirt--there was so much going on here!)
-Christy gave a rose to Tasos (while rocking a purple romper and finally loving herself!)
-Jaki gave a rose to Zack (love the braid and dark lip combo)
So Brooks is taking his effeminate gait and whispering voice back to Utah.
Chris Harrison then appeared from the wings to inform these 6 couples that tomorrow EVERYTHING CHANGES!
Is he serious, or are they belatedly promoting a Matthew Sweet song? WE WILL NEVER KNOW! (Well,  not until Monday.)

Bach in Paradise: OH THE DRAMA!

On Monday night, Bachelor In Paradise was back with part one of a two night saga of sand dunes and drama.  I tuned in 30 minutes late because I still can't quite figure out how to use my DVR (I'm like an technologically averse old man's brain trapped inside the body of a smoking hot fox) and because I was living my damn life (and in the immortal words of One Life To Live's opening credits, "we've only got one life to liiiiiiive," ya know?).  OK, so I watched STD Shack while the rest of the world watched Sophia Vergara spin like a pig on a spit during the Emmy Awards.  (It really IS a great time for women in television, Julianna Marguiles!)

When I tuned in, Cody (the artist formerly known as Macklemore on Roids from Andi's season) had just arrived in paradise and asked out his uber crush Clare. Clare turned him down in favor of seeing where it goes with Zack and after some back and forth, Zack and Clare seemed to get on the same page. They had a good conversation on some Mexican festive pillows, during which Clare rocked far too much blush, but phrased her position well, saying, "I'm not asking for marriage tomorrow." Nice work, girl. Also, how do you keep your teeth so impossibly white?  

Cody didn't want to ask a second runner up (smart move, gym rat), so he passed off his date card to Marcus so that Marcus and Lacy could go on the most snooze-worthy date of all time. 

Later that night we saw the arrival of Kalon, the preppy tool from Emily's season who was booted for referring to Emily's daughter as "baggage" and who talks about being extremely wealthy much more than anyone who is actually extremely wealthy would ever do. (Seriously--I went to college with some crazy rich kids and it was always the richest kids who downplayed it, while the solidly upper middle class kids with aspirations of wealth were the ones who got name droppy about labels and cars. It's the financial version of "methinks the lady doth protest too much.")  Everyone hates Kalon on sight and he has no idea because he's a delusional moron.  He has a date card and he'd like to take Michelle on an adventure and "motorboat the F outta that" (his classy words--the crew back at the Yacht Club must be so proud!).  She agrees to a date with him, then drops him the next morning (#karma) so Kalon goes looking for a date and none of the girls are interested (awesome).  He refers to all of the women as "idiots" and leaves for a date alone, during which he did a fake heart-to-heart dialogue with himself and other activities that I'd imagine the UCSD shooter psychopath would do. 

Later at a beach bonfire Jesse Kovacs strolls up (hottie from Jillian's season who has a player reputation).  Jesse invites Jaki on a date and lays it on thick (and by "it" I mean charm/desperation) while they eat dinner in a cave. When she asks him point blank if he's strategizing, Jesse plays dumb and says that he's not good at strategizing.  Very strategic answer, Hot Dummy! 

That night during yet another beach bonfire, Michelle (who hilariously joked that she "felt like a plan B... or even C... occasional D" and made a fan out of me) lamented her inability to make a connection with anyone in the house and then got a massage from sweetheart Cody.  I smell a new love connection! 

The next day AshLee learned a heartbreaking lesson: when you go on a reality TV show, you're mic-ed 24/7 AND there are cameras everywhere. I KNOW! Can you even stand it? Fake EyelAshLee learned this tough lesson when she openly talked smack about Clare to Zack. She encouraged Zack to pursue other women, called Clare "cuckoo" (oh that's rich coming from AshLee who confessed to Graham that she staked is Instagram on the day they met), and snapped, "she bleeped a guy in the ocean--are you kidding me?" Zack didn't say much of anything (and dude needs to learn how to STEP UP) but word got back to Clare faster than you can say "internalized sexism is what keeps the patriarchy in power and sexual double standards are often reinforced by the very groups that they victimize!" 

In a private conversation, Zack tells Clare that he isn't going to have her back, despite the fact that they are Bachelor In Paradise-dating, but the words come out as, "I don't want to be part of this drama" and Clare says she'll handle it herself (OMG she rules).  

Later that night, AshLee pulls Clare aside and says she's unsure of why Clare might be mad, but she senses some tension (oh AshLee, you're more inept at playing the victim than the girls who used to pull that crap on me in high school). Clare wins the day, telling AshLee, "you and I are not friends" and when AshLee has the audacity to say, "I'm not upset at you--don't feel like you did anything wrong" Clare rightfully snaps back, "I DIDN'T." It's intriguing to watch AshLee try to pull Jedi mind tricks on Clare and fail so spectacularly.  Clare tells AshLee that she's tacky and not classy and AshLee scampers off to lie in the bed that she made (literally and figuratively).  

The next night is the rose ceremony and 6 girls will be giving out roses to 8 dude options. Smart  money says that Kalon is on his way out (don't forget your baggage, fake Richie Rich), but who will the other reject be? Well we won't know until Tuesday night because there was drama at the rose ceremony! 

During cocktail hour, Michelle pulled Graham aside and told him about AshLee's toxic smack talking. Graham had been unenthusiastically "dating" AshLee (thought it seemed  more like a hostage situation), but he's stunned by her mean spirited behavior toward Clare. The rose ceremony starts, and we get as far as...

Lacy - Marcus (I think I dozed off for a moment because of how insufferably BORING these two are.) 

Clare - Zack (I hope the guy can step it up soon. Also, her white top rules.) 

AshLee - Graham 

BUT as AshLee offers her rose to Graham, he stands there looking dazed for a moment, then simply walks out of the rose ceremony. Michelle follows him moments later (because she knows how to make good reality TV and drama must be talked out with another person) and then we see "TO BE CONTINUED" on the screen.  

TUNE IN TONIGHT! 

Bachelorette Emily Recap: FINALE!

Last night was a 3 hour Bachelorette endurance test in the form of a 2 hour finale and a 1 hour "After the Final Rose" special.  Yes, if you made it through all 3 hours, you watched an episode of The Bachelorette that was longer than Oliver Stone's JFK. 

Let's cut to the chase on the results.  Unless you have been living under a rock, by now you probably know that Jef, the pompadour prince, won Emily's heart.  Yes, Jef, the hipster-lite trust fund kid who owns an "environmentally friendly" bottled water company (cause manufacturing pods of plastic is WICKED GREEN, buddy), whose parents couldn't be bothered to meet Emily, who rolled into episode 1 on a SKATEBOARD--HE is the dude who won.  I know.  How did it all go so wrong?  Let's start from the beginning of the episode.

Chris Harrison is in a studio in Los Angeles with a live audience and throughout the show they cut back to the studio, in an effort to fill out this unending Bachelorette extravaganza.  Chris sets the scene for us, and we're taken back to the tropical isles.  

Eeeerybody's still in Curacao but Emily's family has arrived to judge the suitors.  Her family includes her platinum blonde mother Suzy (awesome hair runs in the family!), her semi-stoic father David (I bet he has scared off some would-be boyfriends in his day), her super stoic brother Ernie (whose poker face would make me shit my pants, but let's get real, TONS of things make me shit my pants, including: my old boss when I was a paralegal, the deadly mix of chicken Caesar salad + margaritas, the horrible food at field hockey camp back in high school, and MANY more--just a little bit about ME and MY DIGESTIVE TRACK), and Ernie's fiancee Blondie (that's not her name, but girl brought a whole lotta NOTHING to the table except for a nice, golden blonde mane, so I shall name her by her best quality). 

First up to meet the family is Jef and he arrives carrying bouquets for Suzy and Blondie.  Nice work outta you.  He says that the "stakes are really huge" and I assume that he means "high," as generally stakes aren't discussed by size, but rather by how high or low they are.  Get the idiom right, Jef.  Jef chats with the family, then has some 1:1 talks with each member.  That's when Ernie busts out his poker face and gives Jef a whole lot of NOTHING in response to Jef's confessions of love for Emily.  It was a delight to watch.  Jef asks Emily's father for permission to propose to Emily and David gives it.

Next up is Arie and he arrives to meet the parents without any bouquets.  Jef's a tough act to follow, I must admit.  Instead of fresh flowers, Arie's gift for the parents is a wooden box filled with dead flowers!  It's the roses that Emily has given him during this journey and Arie mistakenly thinks that Emily's parents would want HIS rose boutonnieres.  Did this strike anyone else as a weird gift?  Arie admits that when he's nervous, he rambles, then we watch a few clips of him rambling on.  He manages to get smiles out of Emily's father and brother, which is quite an accomplishment.  Arie makes a good impression overall.

The next date is Emily's final 1:1 date (daytime and dinner) with Jef and presumably, the next day will be her final date with Arie.  Jef and Emily meet on the beach, where the sounds of waves crashing is BLARING as they discuss whether or not Jef should meet Emily's daughter Ricki. Emily is hesitant to introduce Jef, since she introduced Brad back in the day and that didn't work out.  She decides to make the introduction, though, and they head back to the pool where Ricki is swimming.  Emily, Jef, and Ricki swim and laugh together and Jef asks Ricki for a whole lotta high 5s.  Lucky for Jef, Ricki is young enough to find that cool, since her brain isn't developed enough to realize it's lame.  Kids!  That night, Emily and Jef have a final dinner date and he gives her a parting gift.  In most seasons of this show (I'm pathetic, I know), that gift will be a poem or long letter or scrapbook of their time together.  What was Jef's gift?  A book about Curacao that was straight out of the resort gift shop, plus he ruined every page by drawing them into the beautiful photos.  HOW THOUGHTFUL!

The next day is supposed to be Emily's date with Arie, but she calls Chris Harrison to her bungalow.  Chris Harrison sits down and asks Emily what's going on and Emily starts crying, saying that she knows Jef is the one and she doesn't want to lead Arie on by going through the date and dinner.  I give her a lot of credit--most Bachelorettes go all the way to the end when they force some poor cad to show up in a tux and THEN get negged.  Chris says that it's fine if she wants to meet Arie at the daytime date location and explain everything there.

So in an unprecedented move in Bachelor/Bachelorette history, the audience knows more than one of the participants.  It's painful to watch, but makes for great TV.  Poor Arie is going on and on about how they are JUST ABOUT to get engaged and he can't wait to be her husband, blah blah blah, while America is at home screaming at their TVs.

Arie arrives at the dump location--woops--I mean, date location and mixes up a love potion with the help of a local woman.  Obviously his love potion didn't work, since right after Arie mixed it up, he was dropped like a handful of salt onto the Curacao dirt (salt mining was the first profitable industry established on Curaçao--I DO MY RESEARCH).  Arie responds gracefully, all things considered.  He's silent for a while (while Emily cries), then he gets up to leave, saying that there's "nothing to say," and this upsets Emily.  But what does she want?  Sure, dumping a guy is no fun, but what other response do you expect?  He hugs her goodbye and hops in the car.   

The show then cuts back to the studio audience and everyone is extremely intense and emotional.  I guess I understand that, since a dude just got dumped, but we all know that this is reality TV, right?  It just felt a bit over-somber.  Then, The Bachelorette turns into The Olympics, with former contestants weighing in on the current situation.  5 people from past seasons (JP & Ashley, Deana, Michael Staglione, and another Ashley) all share their opinions as though they are sports commentators.  They all say the same: sucks to get dumped, Arie, but you'll get through it. THANKS FOR THE EXPERT ANALYSIS, GUYS!

Then we're back on Curacao and Jef is in the midst of SO much B roll!  A shot of Jef staring at the selected engagement ring, a shot of Jef walking on the beach in pants that are way too girly for him, a shot of Jef staring at crashing waves.  Finally, Emily is putting on a flowy-yet-edgy coral dress and getting ready for the big day.  Jef has no idea that Arie is gone, so he's putting on his suit and fretting a bit.



Emily is waiting for Jef and when he arrives, she wastes no time telling him that he's the one and that Arie was already sent home.  Jef responds with a robotic speech that ends with, "You're my everything" and I couldn't help but think of the 1990 song by Tommy Page (co-written by 2 dudes from New Kids On The Block--YEAH BOSTON!) called "I'll Be Your Everything."  Yes, the crap that rattles around in my brain is ridiculous.  Ricki runs up and the three of them walk off as a happy family.

As if things couldn't get ANY cheesier, the producers then give us a montage of their interactions from the season set to the sounds of Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love."  I AM NOT KIDDING.  My best friend Suzanne and I both suffered through WICKED cases of dumb chills while we watched this, and Velveeta poured from the speakers on my TV.  Perhaps it was a fitting song choice, since it was from Karate Kid II and this was Emily's SECOND time on TV looking for love.  Is that a stretch?  Yes.

Sweet Lord can you believe we're still in this recap!??!  After all that schmaltz, ABC cut straight into the "After the Final Rose" special where we saw Arie, Emily, and Jef live and in-studio.  Arie was less pasty and Frankenstein-looking and seemed to be moving on well.  There was a lot of talk about closure between Arie and Emily and I wanted to shout at Arie, "Dude--closure is a gift you give yourself.  Nobody else can give it to you!" but I'm not crazy enough to shout at my TV, so I didn't. (Note: that is a lie.)  Emily looked great, but her extensions were just a touch too long.  Jef looked good but still had the pompadour.  He's going to move to Charlotte and they are planning a wedding.  Not to be an idiot, but these 2 seem like they might not screw it up.  Time will tell.

Up next in the Bachelor franchise is Bachelor Pad, which kicks off tonight.  NO REST FOR THE WEARY.  Break out the Valtrex because a bunch of past Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects are all moving into the Bachelor mansion to hook up, cry, and drink.  I'll tune in every now and then, but I can't promise that I'll have recaps every single week.  I gotta have a life, sweet pussycats.

It was a pleasure to recap this season and I'll be back 100% for the next real Bachelor season, for sure.  In the meantime, I'll quote Ed McMahon's mantra from Star Search for no reason at all: Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.