Monday night, ABC kicked off their latest vehicle to keep reality TV “stars” off the unemployment line, Bachelor in Paradise. On this show, a house full of Bachelor and Bachelorette “alums” (that’s putting it nicely) will go on dates throughout the week and elimination will happen if they aren’t coupled up with somebody by week’s end. Does that sound like a recipe for hurt feelings, heartbreak, and rapid transmission of communicable diseases to you?
Yes, and there’s nothing I’d rather watch.
Who will be living and loving in Paradise this season?
-Clare – Johnny Pabs’s second runner up who is earnest and a lil corny, but sweet
-Marcus – fresh off a dumping by Andi (Ombre DA) and ready to get back on the horse of love/rejection!
-Sarah – cute blonde from Sean’s season who has 1 arm and seems like a touch of a wet blanket.
-Marquel – also fresh off a dumping by Andi and ready to find love while rocking a straw fedora! Oh, make the fedora thing stop PLEASE!
-Daniella – blonde from Sean’s season who looks a lil bit trashy and opinionated, which means I both relate to and adore her.
-Graham – from DeAnna’s season (which I must confess, I didn’t watch—that was back before I became a die hard) who is the elder statesman of the house and who the ladies find irresistible because he doesn't seem to care about anything.
-Lacy – a girl who was sent home on night 1 of Juan Pablo’s season, which is a bad omen. If girl couldn’t manage to make small talk with the guy who was the most superficial, bullshitty Bachelor in Bach history, what the HECK does she bring to the table? (I have a feeling it’s big boobs!)
-Ben S. – southern faux gentleman from Desiree's season who wears a shit eating grin 24/7 but god knows where he gets that confidence from because kid is NOT handsome or remotely interesting.
-Michelle K. – total wackadoo from Jake’s season.
-Robert – uber generic guy from Desiree’s season. Robert is so bland that I feel like I have face blindeness when I see him because I’m just like, “Who is that mass of white skin and average brownish hair with non-dramatic facial features?”
-Dylan – Masshole hottie is BACK and it’s the only reason I’m watching this ridiculous show. Dylan quickly proves a theorem that scientists have been debating for years: the only thing hotter than Dylan staring out a train window on The Bachelorette is Dylan with a tan and topless on Bachelor In Paradise!
-Elise – blonde gal from Juan Pablo’s season who was known for her unending supply of sequined, pageant-y cocktail dresses.
-AshLee – southern belle from Season’s season who has spent her few years out of the spotlight investing in false eyelashes and highlights.
There are 7 men and 6 women and at week’s end, the guys will be handing out roses to the women, so the mission is clear: LADIES, GET MEN TO LIKE YOU, STAT! (Bachelor in Paradise is taking a page from Nine West’s latest horrible ad campaign!)
A quick run-down of my thoughts from the episode:
-Every girl on this show (except weird Michelle K.) must have gone to her colorist and said the exact same thing, “light brown base with blonde highlights, please!” You know you’re in a sea of sameness when a true brunette shows up (the infamous Michelle Money and yes, I hate myself for knowing that she’s Bach “infamous”) and you shout, “finally some DIVERSITY!”
-Dylan and Elise fell in Love at First Sight, which I’m hoping turns into Heartbreak at Second Week so that Dylan is free to date me when I’m in Boston next week.
-Lacey’s was doing a helluva job putting her hair up in bonkers up-dos while being wicked passive and making Robert and Marcus embarrass themselves for her. Could she BE more overrated?
-AshLee arrived in Mexico with a plan: to meet Graham, who she only knows through social media. She then threw a tantrum and cried when Clare invited him on a date, exclaiming, “he couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours?” Umm… loyal to what, False EyelASHLEE? (OMG I JUST MADE UP THE GREATEST NICKNAME EVER!) He doesn’t owe you anything and by him accepting a date with someone, he isn’t being “disloyal” to you, a virtual stranger.
-Daniella was throwing out zingers and it's cracking me up.
-There seemed to be a Clare vs. AshLee crazy-off going on. I’m excited to see how this plays out.
-Lacey and Macrus’s conversation about how they both have pretty eyes might be the dumbest thing I have ever seen (or was the dumbest thing when Lacey said she was torn between two guys and the balance of her affections was “80/40”?)
-Props to Sarah for being aggressive and telling Marcus that she wanted to make out, but it was still an awkward moment.
-Michelle Money (a late arrival) and Graham love each other, you guys, and nothing says “love” quite like a drawn-out secret handshake!
-AshLee and Graham’s conversation about “red flags” was hilarious. I loved how he referred to her intensity as a “red flag” and she tried to backpedal.
-While Lacey was straddling Robert in the crashing waves, Marcus was whining to Dylan that after his Andi heartbreak, he had his walls up and Lacey managed to break those walls down (in just 24 hours?). Those sound like some pretty weak, dinky walls, my friend.
Before we know it, everyone is done straddling everyone else in the ocean and it’s time to hand out some roses. With the arrival of Michelle Money we have 8 ladies, 6 guys, and 6 roses. Oddball Michelle pre-empts the rose ceremony by saying that she wants to leave since she hasn’t made a connection with anybody. Go for it, weirdo.
Now we’re down to 7 and 6 and the roses go like so…
-Marquel dressed as a hipster pirate gives a rose to Michelle Money who is dressed as a flamenco dancer
-Graham who makes all of his decisions based on FEAR gives a rose to AshLee aka Fake EyelashLee.
-Dylan who is rocking a jaunty vest that I’d hate on anyone else but I love on him gives a rose to Elise who admits she would say “I love you” to Dylan at this point.
-Marcus throws everyone for a loop and gives his rose to LACEY, which makes her now his possession (based on how she reacts).
-Robert is dumbfounded and gives a rose to Clare, who refers to Paradise as “Claradise" (#barf)
-Ben who is probably wondering why nobody really gives a rat’s about him gives his rose to Sarah.
So Daniella, the most funny, candid contestant on Bachelor in Paradise is going home. I hope the other people know how to crack jokes and talk smack, because we’re going to need some of that!