Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The Men Tell All (And Get Down on Bended Knee)

Last night was the standard "The Men Tell All" episode of the season, the shameless add-on of an episode to sell more ad space (according to my smart and cynical pal Natalie Shure).  I find "The Women Tell All" to be a more interesting episode than "The Men Tell All" for two reasons:
(1) the women have often changed their look drastically and it's fun to see what they have done with hair dye, bronzer, and accessories;
(2) the women are usually more willing to brawl within the group and/or cry.

Having a crew of men "tell all" rarely invokes the dramatics and histrionics that Bachelor Nation loves so much, but we'll take what we can get.

My video recap here here on AOL Rise.

Who showed up to "tell all" last night?

-Ryan M - the guy who got SUPER drunk on night 1 and was escorted out. His hair is longer now, probably in an attempt to be unrecognizable!
-Tony - the bonkers healer is back and he's still rocking a thumb ring.
-Cory - bland, blonde guy whose claim to fame is that he is the Cory without an "e."
-Ian - the worst thing to happen to Princeton University since the tools from The Tiger Inn decided to run their mouths on email.
-Kupah - the "entrepreneur" from Boston who who is rocking a SNUG short sleeved button down (the worst) and a fitted vest.
-Corey - introduced as "Corey with an e" by Chris Harrison (he cracks me up) and he reveals himself to be a real piece of shit in this episode, much to my surprise.
-Joshua - visibly NOT happy to be there. Sorry you got a free trip to LA, guy.
-Clint - gets creepier by the minute.  He has grown some awful facial hair, too!
-Justin - known for being the dimmest bulb in the Bachelorette candelabra, which is saying a LOT.
-JJ - psychopath that is 1/2 of the Clint/JJ bromance has lost some weight and looks shockingly not terrible with a  beard.
-Tanner - comic relief is back & calling 'em like he sees 'em, which I dig.
-Joe - squished face is rocking some NICE white pants and bare ankles. Helloooo there!
-Chris Cupcake - meh.  I still don't get the deal with that guy.
-Ben Z. - still looking like a stack of piping hot man meat. CALL ME!
-Jared - I bet he is a LEGEND at Warwick, Rhode Island's TGIFridays now!
-Ben H. - I still don't quite get it, but I fear I may have to (as he will be the next Bachelor).

These boys are showing a lotta ankle and everyone looks almost exactly the same (snooze).  I'll be honest, attempting to write a thrilling recap of an episode that feels more like "My Dinner With Andre" (in that it's just talking heads, for the most part) isn't that easy, but I'll try and I'll do so, as is my wont, in a bulleted list:

-Wow Corey with an "e" I never realized what a jerk you were during the season, but I shouldn't be surprised that an Investment Banker based in NY, NY is a dolt.  It's people like YOU who make dating in those town a nightmare!  Good try at the slut shaming but it didn't quite work, jag wad.
-Tanner lights into Ian right out of the gate and I LOVE IT!  The best part was when Tanner said that Ian acted "butt hurt" simply because Kaitlyn didn't like him.  Nice work, my man Tan!
-Just when we thought that Ian couldn't get any stranger, he gets up like a lawyer with a dramatic closing argument, removes his jacket, and proceeds to get down on a knee and apologize to the guys, to his own mother (huh?), and to Kaitlyn.  Bad moves throughout the season, but good groveling, Ian.

Is that Ian groveling or a hit song by Boys II Men circa 1994?
Either way, kid is on bended knee and looks like an absolute tool. 

-Kupah and Joshua take issue with the phrase "I see my  husband in this room" and how Kaitlyn said that phrase before Nick arrived, so was she LYING? Guys, get real.  That is a phrase that is meaningless and is used in every damn season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Are you seriously going to try to fact check your way into her heart?  Sometimes people say things in the context of a relationship and then there is a breakup and those claims of "we'll grow old together" or "when we visit this city together we'll do that thing" are moot.  Sure, it sucks, but deal with it!
-Ben Z. gets in the hot seat and admits that he STILL has not cried in 11+ years.  With all due respect because Ben's hot (and I only respect hot dudes (JK--not really kidding, though)), being completely devoid of emotion is a pretty unappealing trait.
-Sweet Jared admits that he thinks of Kaitlyn every time he hears The Cranberries "Linger" now and he hears it quite often.  I feel ya, man.  I'm ashamed to admit that Damn Yankees "High Enough" reminds me of some college crushes and almost makes me cry every time I hear it.
-Ben H. addresses his fear that he's unlovable and he wins me over one more time.  He talks about having no closure and while I DO tend to think that closure is a gift you give yourself (thanks, therapy and my sister Laurel for teaching me that), I also think that a closing conversation is a powerful thing (and wish I had had one in my last breakup, but he sure aint reading this recap).
-Kaitlyn rocks another Ice Capades-style dress that looks like a dream on her--sparkles, cute neckline, short skirt, silver heels.  Can we share your stylist and you pay the bill, girl?
-Kaitlyn's response to Jonathan's inquiry about the "I can see my husband in this room" line was brilliant: didn't you vote for Britt?  Ha! Thank you.
-In a pretty shocking and upsetting moment, Chris Hanson reads 3 toxic, super mean tweets/messages that Kaitlyn received as a result of HumpGate.  She was called all manner of cruel, slut shaming names and my first thought was that Juan Pablo received NO SUCH BACKLASH when HE engaged in the exact same thing even earlier in the process. Sexual double standards are alive and well and props to The Bachelorette for addressing them head-on.  Stay strong, Kaitlyn.  Don't let the bastards grind you down.
-Overall, it was a jovial, fun episode and the guys who made themselves look like jerks during the season (Ryan, Ian) apologized.  Clint remained creepy and Corey revealed that he sucks.

Next week is the finale and thank you sweet ABC producers, it's just going to me a 2 hour episode on Monday night.  I thought that they were going to pull a "Sunday + Monday Finale Extravaganza" on me, but mercifully they are not.

The ARE giving us more Bach hookups, though, in the form of Bachelor In Paradise starting in early August.  I can't bring myself to recap that one--I need my Monday nights back!

But before Beachside STD Shack (Bachelor in Paradise) can start, The Bachelorette has got to wrap up.  Who do you think she'll pick--weasley Nick or simpleton Shawn?  My money's on Nick.

Bachelorette Andi Ep 10: The Men Tell All (Plus an Ultrasound!)

On Monday night, The Bachelorette aired its “Men Tell All” episode, but in addition to men telling all there was a live ultrasound, a frank discussion of race relations, and appearances by a few Bach alums who just can’t seem to graduate from Bach U. 

The show kicked off with an appearance by JP and Ashley, the couple who are singlehandedly reminding Bachelor Nation that reality TV love CAN work out.  Ashley is wicked pregnant and they are moving to Miami because winter 2K13 into 14 was tough and, as Ashley says, “happy wife, happy life.”  They’re a super cute couple and they seem to get along great, but I felt like I was watching 2 people playing prescribed roles of Doormat Husband and Wife With a Real Mouth on Her.  Chris Harrison made a joke that JP and Ashley are moving to Miami to be closer to Juan Pablo and I hope that Johnny Pabs is ready to be the butt of every Bachelor joke for the rest of his clueless life.  Then, in a move that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDENTED, a medical technician shows up and administers an ultrasound on “live” TV.  Just when you thought that The Bachelor franchise couldn’t get more heteronormative, they pull this move!  What’s next, a Bachelor cremation? The audience is bizarrely invested in the sex of a baby made by two strangers and when they discover that it’s a boy, everyone is elated.  JP says that he’s excited to watch football with his son (since girls are allergic to football—it’s in their DNA).  

Chris Harrison throws us a promotion for the next move in the Bachelor franchise, Bachelor In Paradise (which will be launching in a few weeks and yes, I will be recapping but I might do shorter recaps—I can’t handle this much Bach).  Bachelor in Paradise promises to be filled with drama, craziness, tears, and end with AN INCIDENT that involves blood and handcuffs.  This aint your mammy’s hump house TV show!  

Finally, the rejects—err—guys—from this season of The Bachelorette are trotted out and true to form, everyone looks better than they did during the season (except for Cody—sorry, bro).  We’ve got Carl (firefighter), Brett (hairdresser who walked in with a lamp), Andrew (guy who came off as pretty damn sketchy), Patrick (dude who brought nothing to the table), Bradley (Opera Man), Ron (left abruptly after a few episodes), Craig (Overexcited Loser), Nick S. (golf pro who Andi straight up didn’t like and he treats her as though she’s somehow in the wrong for this opinion), Tasos (who was lucky or unlucky enough to have his rejection never go to air), JJ (Pantsapreneur who had some wicked red eye this episode), Marquel (all sweet smiles), Cody (who is a ball of muscles with a pair of ears attached), Dylan (who got a haircut and continues to rule), Brian (his BFF—New England buds for LIFE!), Marcus (who I never quite “got”), Chris (who I’d like to get).  

Marquel rocked a cookie pin and handed out cookies to the audience (WE GET IT, KID), Brian was in a suit but looked like his mom had dressed him up for the 7th grade semi-formal, and the guys debated the he said/he said storyline of whether Andrew made a comment about the “black guys” during a rose ceremony.  We watched a montage of the guys during which Andrew referred to JJ and friend as “meatheads in suits” which makes me wonder if he went to a college without a football team.  Is a self-described “Pantsapreneur” your idea of a “Meathead"?  If so, let me introduce you to the boys of Delta Upsilon sometime.  I once watched one of them fistfight a refrigerator when he was drunk—THAT is a meathead, my friend. 

The guys talked about the alleged incident in which Andrew leaned over to JJ and made a comment about the black guys and the producers played the footage of that exchange happening (Andrew wasn’t miced, though), then Marquel talked about his faith and manhood and the whole thing was a surprisingly adult, civil conversation.  Chris talked about how to handle things “as a man” and made it clear that he’s not a fan of JJ.  It seems like JJ is one of those guys who characterizes himself really easygoing an playful and fun, but is actually a shit stirrer.  

Marquel spent some time in the hot seat and admitted that he was unable to get out of the friend zone with Andi and that he didn’t realize that guys were kissing her.  Marcus chatted with Chris Harrison about his experience and admitted that he made a comment because he was hurt (admirable to admit that on TV), and Chris heard more about how much his farmer family friggin’ rules.  A random chick in an off white jumpsuit interrupted their conversation so that she could flirt with Chris and give him her digits, which was gutsy… but weird.  During Ketla (yes, that was her name) and Chris’s commercial break speed date, Dylan shouted, “YOLO!” which cracked me up. 

Finally, Andi came out in a sparkly, short dress and took some questions from the guys.  Two tone shirt Cody tells Andi that she never saw “the real Cody” which is a blessing for everyone involved, I think.  Chris Bukowski (who tried to crash the first cocktail party) again lets himself be a Bachelor punchline in order to promote Bachelor in Paradise.  Dude, get some pride, would ya? Chris Harrison shares the lie detector results which are that JJ, Brian, and Chris told no lies.  Josh told some lies (perhaps the question was, “Are you over your failed pro ball career?” and he said yes?), Marcus lied about his number (awkward), and Dylan lied about preferring brunettes to blondes.  Hell yeah, Dylan’s wicked smaaaat and he prefers BLONDES which is the CORRECT OPINION!  Might I recommend a beach read to you, sweet Massole Man?  Here's the trailer for said book:

The episode closed with a montage of Andi bloopers, then pieces about Josh and Nick.  Who will win Andi’s heart?  We’ll find out on Monday!  

Bachelorette Desiree: Men Tell All Recap

Monday night was the standard episode that is always "Bachelor Nation's FAVORITE episode" (if you believe Chris Harrison) or "an episode that is usually pretty fun" (if you believe everyone else in the world): THE MEN TELL ALL!

As a (less than) proud member of Bachelor Nation (#TheWorst), I tuned in to see if the "Tell All" episode was like every "Tell All" episode before it and yes, it was, in that every guy was tan, trim, and well-coiffed; there were some not-so-familiar faces (even Chunky Swayze zinged Jonathan for being one of those forgettable losers); and some smug mugs that we'd rather forget (sociopath father Ben, to be specific).

But the REAL winner in last night's episode?  The overly expressive audience.  Those ladies were working HARD for their $100 extra stipend and flexing those facial muscles with wild abandon.  They captured every expression: disappointment (at James' "explanation" of why he's not ashamed to be a fame whore), shock (at Ben's insistence that he was "sooo judged!"), and elated (at every G-D word out of Juan Pablo's mouth).  Check out this lady below, she is noooot believing a word she is hearing!!

And look at these gals below: the one on the left is about to sneeze (an allergic reaction to how much Zak W. suuuucks and is a corny assed cheesedick) and the one on the right is a spooky psychopath who knows that Ben's baby mama bumped into Dan (I know, who the EFF is THAT guy? Oh, the one who looks like a Ken doll with dark hair and works in beverage distribution? WHATEVZZZZ!!) in Vegas and spilled mad beans about the fact that Ben had a friggity whack girlfriend when he got the baby mama pregnant! Snaaaaaap! 

But seriously, folks (OMG don't you hate it when old timey standups use that as a transitional phrase? I DO!), there was some drama last night and, as usual, Chris Harrison had some fantastic punchlines. 

At the start of the episode, Desiree and Chris crashed some Bachelor viewing parties and we learned an important lesson: that EVERYONE in America watches The Bachelorette while drinking wine out of extra large goblets that look like props from Cougartown (SUCH an underrated show!).  For their NYC-based party crashing they were joined by Bach alums Ashley and JP, Jason and Molly (and their baby), and Trista.  What a community that Bachelor franchise is!  It's like the least exclusive Country Club in America.  Desiree says that she loves seeing that all of these people are watching the show and "rooting for her."  Oh gurl, we're not rooting for you so much as laughing at the idiotic dudes.  

Then Desiree sits down for some girl talk (and period-synching) with her BFFs Ashley, Ali, and Emily.  Because being on The Bach is like joining Scientology: YOU MAY ONLY BE FRIENDS WITH FELLOW BELIEVERS!!  Ali's hair looks grey (get some warmer tones in your weave, gurl), Emily's hair is sweet perfection (of course), and Ashley barely says a word (and has brown hair, poor thing).  

Finally, it's time to trot out the rejects and hope that America remembers them/gives a rat's ass.  Who's in the studio?  

Robert (spin sign inventor/tool), Dan (dark haired Ken doll who apparently roams around Vegas talking to the exes of other Bach rejects), Nick (has a mole and that's all she wrote), Brad (had a kid and a restraining order taken out on him BUT JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE!), Jonathan (lawyer who was super drunk and creepy on that first night), Bryden (Iraq War vet who doesn't look as hot as he seemed before), Brandon (guy who was really intense and had major family problems--but his hair is longer now!), Will (Chicago banker who should link up with Mikey and James for some Bach Chicagoland domination), Zack K. (Chuck Taylors), James (The Don), Ben (a father and a Christian who never called his son during the show and didn't attend church on Easter--I've been listening to too much Chunky Swayze and it's turning me all LAWYERY!), Mikey T. (who looks HOT and is wearing NO SOCKS!), Juan Pablo (who has a cheering section in the audience), Kasey (#OMGIhateyou), Michael G. (Chunky Swayze who seems to have grown bushier eyebrows while recovering from his broken heart), and Zak W. (whose entire existence feels like a joke).  

Everyone in the studio watches a montage of clips that summarize the season: James saying "F you" to a line-up of guys ("spraying the room" as Chris Harrison put it), Ben being creepy and lying to every guy while wearing a ridiculous tank top, Zak being overly bronzed and shirtless, general smack-talk.  There is nothing more enjoyable than witnessing a guy call another guy a "piece of shit" in a montage that they are both watching while seated right near each other.  It's truly delightful.  

Bryan (the guy who isn't even very hot and had a girlfriend while he was on the show) opted not to attend the taping, so the guys run roughshod over him and Chris Harrison encourages it.  Awesome. 

Ben is the first guy to get in the hot seat and Chris says that things started off so well (when he first emerged from the limo with his sweet son), but then "after night 1, everything went downhill."  I love that Chris said, in so many words, that the minute Ben opened his mouth, he was doomed.  TRUTH!  Ben says that it was really hard for him to watch his "girlfriend" date other men (umm... that's a shared experience by everyone in the house, moron--you're NOT special) and that he feels judged.  Maybe because you judged ALL of the other guys as unworthy of your friendship or respect on day 1, Ben.  Ben bangs the drum of being a good father and Zak shuts him up by saying that Ben NEVER mentioned his son, while Juan Pablo mentioned his daughter all the time.  SHUT IT, Dixieland American Psycho!  

Up next, James (The Don) attempts to convince Bachelor Nation (I'm trapped within its grasp!) that he really cared about Desiree, despite the fact that I bet if you asked him for his favorite thing about her, he's say, "ummmm... brown hair?"  Chris grills him about the alleged "If I make it to the top 4, I could be the next Bachelor" comment and he seems to blame Mikey for it (is there trouble within their sockless crew?).  Mikey chimes in and explains that they weren't plotting anything--they simply felt that Desiree liked other types of guys better (seems to be true) and they were accepting that perhaps she didn't like them, and what would come next.  Mikey explains himself well and James continues to look like a scheming a-hole.  This was when we saw some SHOCKED faces from the crowd.  (Ladies in the audience: you're SHOCKED that two jacked, conventionally handsome guys are insufferable jerks? Have you ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?)

Then Juan Pablo gets in the hot seat where he charms the pants off of America (ferreal) with his friendly demeanor, confidence, and good looks.  Do I smell an international soccer star Bachelor up next?  

Then, it's the moment that none of us have been waiting for: Zak W's time in the hot seat.  He looks exhausted and like he has been clocking extra hours at the spray tan salon.  But I'll admit, he makes some very relatable, heart-wrenching comments about being single when most of your peer group is not.  Come on Zak--don't make me feel bad about mercilessly mocking you for all these weeks!  It's what I DO! 

Finally, Desiree comes out in a cute, gold dress and faces her reject harem.  Chris Harrison asks her if she had any "nerves" and she says no, she had anxiety about this event. GURL. Those are the same thing. You are an idiot, but that dress DOES look great on you.  Chris makes a comment about "bad boys" to which Des replies, "whatcha gonna do?" and Chris gives her NOTHING because he's NOT a fan of Inner Circle (yes, that's the name of the wordsmith's who crafted those genius lyrics) or outdated jokes.  A flood of apologies commence: Jonathan apologizes for being a creep on the first night; Chunky Swayze admits that he played the lawyer card too intensely.  Desiree says that James manipulated her and James make a comment that effectively breaks the first rule of Reality TV Club: don't talk about reality TV club!  Juan Pablo asks her why he never got a 1:1 date and then winks at her (#swoon #NoSnark #ICanBeGenuineOccasionally).  And what episode would be complete without Zak making an ass of himself?  He says, "I think I have something to say..." then pulls out his guitar and plays a song he wrote. Oh Zak, you were the guy who knew Dave Matthews Band songs on the guitar in college, weren't you?  The guy who was like, "ladies LOVE it when I sing to them" while everyone was actually mocking you privately.  Have your swan song and get back to the oil fields, buddy. 

And before we knew it (120 long minutes later), the episode was over with Chris Harrison's promise that next week will be the MOST emotionally intense Bachelorette finale EVER!  I can't decide if the producers are messing with us (and making it seem like something goes VERY wrong at the end) or if it's just tricky editing and things will play out in a pretty standard way (with Des rejecting the first guy to arrive at the proposal site then, choosing the most boring guy--likely Brooks--and breaking up with him within months, then entering into a life of D list "celebrity" status).  We'll find out soon!