Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The Men Tell All (And Get Down on Bended Knee)

Last night was the standard "The Men Tell All" episode of the season, the shameless add-on of an episode to sell more ad space (according to my smart and cynical pal Natalie Shure).  I find "The Women Tell All" to be a more interesting episode than "The Men Tell All" for two reasons:
(1) the women have often changed their look drastically and it's fun to see what they have done with hair dye, bronzer, and accessories;
(2) the women are usually more willing to brawl within the group and/or cry.

Having a crew of men "tell all" rarely invokes the dramatics and histrionics that Bachelor Nation loves so much, but we'll take what we can get.

My video recap here here on AOL Rise.

Who showed up to "tell all" last night?

-Ryan M - the guy who got SUPER drunk on night 1 and was escorted out. His hair is longer now, probably in an attempt to be unrecognizable!
-Tony - the bonkers healer is back and he's still rocking a thumb ring.
-Cory - bland, blonde guy whose claim to fame is that he is the Cory without an "e."
-Ian - the worst thing to happen to Princeton University since the tools from The Tiger Inn decided to run their mouths on email.
-Kupah - the "entrepreneur" from Boston who who is rocking a SNUG short sleeved button down (the worst) and a fitted vest.
-Corey - introduced as "Corey with an e" by Chris Harrison (he cracks me up) and he reveals himself to be a real piece of shit in this episode, much to my surprise.
-Joshua - visibly NOT happy to be there. Sorry you got a free trip to LA, guy.
-Clint - gets creepier by the minute.  He has grown some awful facial hair, too!
-Justin - known for being the dimmest bulb in the Bachelorette candelabra, which is saying a LOT.
-JJ - psychopath that is 1/2 of the Clint/JJ bromance has lost some weight and looks shockingly not terrible with a  beard.
-Tanner - comic relief is back & calling 'em like he sees 'em, which I dig.
-Joe - squished face is rocking some NICE white pants and bare ankles. Helloooo there!
-Chris Cupcake - meh.  I still don't get the deal with that guy.
-Ben Z. - still looking like a stack of piping hot man meat. CALL ME!
-Jared - I bet he is a LEGEND at Warwick, Rhode Island's TGIFridays now!
-Ben H. - I still don't quite get it, but I fear I may have to (as he will be the next Bachelor).

These boys are showing a lotta ankle and everyone looks almost exactly the same (snooze).  I'll be honest, attempting to write a thrilling recap of an episode that feels more like "My Dinner With Andre" (in that it's just talking heads, for the most part) isn't that easy, but I'll try and I'll do so, as is my wont, in a bulleted list:

-Wow Corey with an "e" I never realized what a jerk you were during the season, but I shouldn't be surprised that an Investment Banker based in NY, NY is a dolt.  It's people like YOU who make dating in those town a nightmare!  Good try at the slut shaming but it didn't quite work, jag wad.
-Tanner lights into Ian right out of the gate and I LOVE IT!  The best part was when Tanner said that Ian acted "butt hurt" simply because Kaitlyn didn't like him.  Nice work, my man Tan!
-Just when we thought that Ian couldn't get any stranger, he gets up like a lawyer with a dramatic closing argument, removes his jacket, and proceeds to get down on a knee and apologize to the guys, to his own mother (huh?), and to Kaitlyn.  Bad moves throughout the season, but good groveling, Ian.
Is that Ian groveling or a hit song by Boys II Men circa 1994?
Either way, kid is on bended knee and looks like an absolute tool. 
-Kupah and Joshua take issue with the phrase "I see my  husband in this room" and how Kaitlyn said that phrase before Nick arrived, so was she LYING? Guys, get real.  That is a phrase that is meaningless and is used in every damn season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Are you seriously going to try to fact check your way into her heart?  Sometimes people say things in the context of a relationship and then there is a breakup and those claims of "we'll grow old together" or "when we visit this city together we'll do that thing" are moot.  Sure, it sucks, but deal with it!
-Ben Z. gets in the hot seat and admits that he STILL has not cried in 11+ years.  With all due respect because Ben's hot (and I only respect hot dudes (JK--not really kidding, though)), being completely devoid of emotion is a pretty unappealing trait.
-Sweet Jared admits that he thinks of Kaitlyn every time he hears The Cranberries "Linger" now and he hears it quite often.  I feel ya, man.  I'm ashamed to admit that Damn Yankees "High Enough" reminds me of some college crushes and almost makes me cry every time I hear it.
-Ben H. addresses his fear that he's unlovable and he wins me over one more time.  He talks about having no closure and while I DO tend to think that closure is a gift you give yourself (thanks, therapy and my sister Laurel for teaching me that), I also think that a closing conversation is a powerful thing (and wish I had had one in my last breakup, but he sure aint reading this recap).
-Kaitlyn rocks another Ice Capades-style dress that looks like a dream on her--sparkles, cute neckline, short skirt, silver heels.  Can we share your stylist and you pay the bill, girl?
-Kaitlyn's response to Jonathan's inquiry about the "I can see my husband in this room" line was brilliant: didn't you vote for Britt?  Ha! Thank you.
-In a pretty shocking and upsetting moment, Chris Hanson reads 3 toxic, super mean tweets/messages that Kaitlyn received as a result of HumpGate.  She was called all manner of cruel, slut shaming names and my first thought was that Juan Pablo received NO SUCH BACKLASH when HE engaged in the exact same thing even earlier in the process. Sexual double standards are alive and well and props to The Bachelorette for addressing them head-on.  Stay strong, Kaitlyn.  Don't let the bastards grind you down.
-Overall, it was a jovial, fun episode and the guys who made themselves look like jerks during the season (Ryan, Ian) apologized.  Clint remained creepy and Corey revealed that he sucks.

Next week is the finale and thank you sweet ABC producers, it's just going to me a 2 hour episode on Monday night.  I thought that they were going to pull a "Sunday + Monday Finale Extravaganza" on me, but mercifully they are not.

The ARE giving us more Bach hookups, though, in the form of Bachelor In Paradise starting in early August.  I can't bring myself to recap that one--I need my Monday nights back!

But before Beachside STD Shack (Bachelor in Paradise) can start, The Bachelorette has got to wrap up.  Who do you think she'll pick--weasley Nick or simpleton Shawn?  My money's on Nick.

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