Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: And Then There Were Two (Who Hate Each Other)


I watched The Bachelorette live on Monday night along with my pal Natalie and I filmed a hilarious, super short recap of AOL Rise (watch here) but, as usual, my full recap is a bit late.  This week has been filled with "those days" when everything that CAN go wrong DOES go wrong, ya know?  Well, at least it's summer and I have a bitching tan (though my dermatologist was NOT pleased with me when I saw her yesterday).  Anyherrrrr--it's BACH RECAP TIME!

On Monday night we had 3 contenders:
Shawn - who continues to look like a knot and, as my pal Ali wisely pointed out, speaks with a bizarre Connecticut drawl;
Nick - who is back for his 2nd round of Bachelorette love because he's a glutton for punishment;
Ben H. - who really should have morphed into just "Ben" by now, but somehow he hasn't.

The episode opens with Shawn and Nick arguing (right where we left off!) and Shawn pointing out that if Kaitlyn likes Nick, then obviously she'd never be interested in him because they are SUCH different guys.  Yeah, brosef, that's the dynamic that comes up ALL THE TIME.  Remember during Jake's "On the Wings of Love" season when 4th runner up Ali Fedotowsky HATED Vienna and thought that Jake liking Vienna meant that she couldn't be the girl for Jake (and it truly meant that)?  Shawn, you're not making any new points here.  And the points you ARE making, you're making badly.  Also, did you or did you not sleep with a D list country singer the same night as your buddy? It's crass, yes, but it's a bizarre bragging point that Shawn allegedly made and Nick has wisely kept up his sleeve until just now.  Thanks to The Bachelorette, America now knows what "Eskimo Brothers" are and it's disgusting!

Kaitlyn and Ben H. have a 1:1 date and Ben's sweater game is on fleek, as the tweens would say (am I the worst or am I THE BEST for using "on fleek" and "tweens" in a sentence? THE BEST!).  They have a sweet day date, then as sleepover in a castle, and Ben leaves.  Ben seems nice, but Bachelor Nation knows that he's not really a contender, despite what Kaitlyn says about the Shawn vs. Nick rivalry making her dislike both of them.

The next day it's Kaitlyn and Shawn's 1:1 date and they suit up for a day on the links (that's rich people speak for "golfing," right?).  Kaitlyn is super fun no matter what she's doing (she's seriously the most fun, accessible Bachelorette ever) and she challenges Shawn to a bet that results in him getting naked on the golf course.  It's hilarious and charming and for a brief moment there, I don't think Shawn is an overly intense psychopath.  A BRIEF MOMENT!

Over dinner, Kaitlyn asks Shawn point blank about the "eskimo brothers" thing and he calls Nick "delusional" and "ridiculous" but never responds to the actual allegation.  Somewhere in America, Shawn's Eskimo Brother buddy is screaming at his TV, "you can't handle the truth!" Shawn: Congratulations on achieving the impossible--making me root for Nick.

"I know nothing about this person!
Nick is DELUSIONAL!" -Shawn 
The next morning, as Shawn is doing his walk of shame, Nick intercepts him and asks him if they can chat.  Their conversation consists of Shawn insisting that he's "not one to talk about other people behind their back." WELL THAT'S RICH COMING OUTTA YOU, KID!  How about I replay this entire SEASON for you, Shawn, and you can see that you indeed ARE someone who talks about other people behind their backs.  Nick barely said BOO about Shawn to Kaitlyn but every time Shawn spoke to Kaitlyn it would be about Nick.  Shawn needs to follow some of my favorite mantras: Run your own race.  Eyes on your own paper. Stop worrying about who else is humping your lady while you're on a reality TV show in which you will be edited to look like a jag no matter what you do.  STANDARD MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES!

But seriously, this is the most antagonistic final 2 (spoiler alert) that I've ever seen in all my years of watching and recapping.  Usually the final guys are able to just focus on their connection and not even THINK about the other relationship that is going on simultaneously.

So yes, rose ceremony time and Kailtyn's outfit is CRUCIAL.  Orange dress (bold color), low cut neckline, double stick tape--it's my dream dress!  She looks like she just stumbled out of Studio 54 and I love it.  She hands out roses to Nick then Shawn, so Ben H. is going home.  He exits gracefully (though no one exited with quite as much grace as Jared the Rhode Island boy) but buckles his seat belt over his suit on the ride home.  Car safety is important, but man, a seat belt over a suit just looks SO BAD, am I right?  Almost as bad as a suit worn with a backpack--that is THE WORST. Are you a little boy dressed up as a man? Get a duffel bag, guy!  But I digress...

Next, Kaitlyn meets Nick and Shawn's families, and I'll express that in a few bullets:

Nick's family
-Everybody's crying and the dumping hasn't even happened (yet?)
-I love the occasional references to Nick's relationship with Andi.   He basically says that he didn't like her that much and had to take a "leap of faith" and his mom says that she didn't feel a connection between Nick and Andi last year.
-Their silly dance for the family looked really cute.
-He's got it in the bag.

Shawn's family
-What's the scoop with the no show mom!? I'm curious about that one!
-Dad really knows how to say phrases that the producers will edit to trick us!
-Did you see zits on Shawn's back he was changing? ROID RAGE?
-Kaitlyn's boot game is on LOCK!

Next week is the Men Tell All and it's always my favorite episode.  I will have many more witty zingers to share, readers.  And I'll get my post up sooner, I promise! xoxo

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