Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Finale

Last night was the Bachelorette Finale AND After the Final Rose and in the months between the taping of the finale and last night's live "After the Final Rose" SOMEBODY got a nose job.  Who?  More on that later.

For months my pal Natalie Shure has been encouraging me to real Reality Steve spoilers and see how the Bachelorette producers edit storylines to mislead viewers, but I've always been a Bach purist.  I want to watch the magic unfold without any outside information--just like a regular citizen of Bachelor Nation.  But I may change my ways after this. 

Last night kicked off with Kaitlyn's sweet, Canadian family arriving in Malibu where they met Nick and Shawn.  Her family seems fantastic and their frank talk about sex (there were repeated uses of the phrase "went too far") was pretty stunning and inspiring.  Her sister Haley seems fantastic and I love me some two tone hair (I'm rocking some right now, in fact), but hers was a little bit too skunk-like.  Every time they showed her on screen I kept feeling like I was watching Flower from Bambi: 

I'm from Canada and I'm on Team Shawn! 
Nick arrives first with flowers and wine and soon he is making subtle jabs at Andi ("last season I was there for the experience--to travel.  This season I was here for the girl.")  After some initial pleasantries, he is subject to the most awkward conversation of all time with Leslie, Kaitlyn's mom.  Leslie calls him possessive, jealous, and arrogant (from what she saw last season) and Nick charms her by crying and saying that he loves Kaitlyn and she's incredible.  Tears get 'em every time! After some conversation, Kaitlyn's parents both like Nick.  

The next day Shawn rolls up with flowers, wine AND a gift for the children of Haley (aka Sister Skunk)! Slam dunk, Connecticut! Apparently Kaitlyn had warned her family that Shawn wasn't especially well spoken (ouch, but I've been there) and Kaitlyn's father remarked that he was pleasantly surprised by how poised Shawn turned out to be.  Life is full of surprises--my future son-in-law can talk!  Sister Haley switches from Team Nick to Team Shawn after only knowing Shawn for an hour and in a move that made me literally clap, Shawn pulls aside BOTH of Kaitlyn's parents to ask their permission for him to propose. THANK YOU. Moms never get enough credit in the traditional marriage structure--usually the guy just asks the dad for permission and then the dad gets to walk the bride down the aisle. What about moms? Way to go, Shawn.  I may have said that you look like a knot and I'm definitely going to continue to talk shit about you, but that was a solid move.

Up next are the final dates.  Nick's final date with Kaitlyn is a day of cuddling on a boat, then an evening of making out by a fire.  Nick has a gift for Kaitlyn and it's a poem he wrote that made me positively BREAK OUT IN DUMB CHILLS.  I heard "there is a magic in your eyes" and had to put on my ear muffs.  Blech.

The next day is Kaitlyn and Shawn's final date and their awkwardness is palpable, which felt like a deliberate choice by the producers.  At every turn it seemed like Kaitlyn was going to pull a Desiree and burst into tears and dump the guy pre-rose ceremony.  But she held it together long enough to receive a Memory Jar from him, chock full of knick knacks and photos from their courtship.  It was cute, but all I could wonder is how the heck do you fly back to Canada with a giant, glass jar?  LOGISTICS got me all bugaboo!

Finally, it's proposal/heartbreak day and the boys each pick a ring courtesy of the diamond-peddler who makes house calls, Neil Lane.  Nick makes an awkward joke about how he was glad it was Neil Lane at the door and not Kaitlyn (because Andi dumped him in his hotel room last time) and, in retrospect, his relief was foolish. Hindsight is 20/20 and your reality TV heartbreak record is about to be 0 and 2, Nick.

The gang suits up:
Shawn in sexy black, Nick in blue and tan and those damn beaded bracelets (you made a wrong turn on your way to the Phish concert, kid) and Kaitlyn in a stunning Ice Capades-style blush gown (and normally I HATE beige and blush) that contrasts beautifully against her dark hair and dark eyes. In an unprecedented move, they're going to have the rose ceremony at the Bachelor Manse!  Dozens of party girls and fuck bois have peed into that pool and now two lovebirds will formalize their commitment right next to it.  I love romance!

Who rolls up first? NICK!! Bachelor Nation knows exactly what 1st arrival means: BYE BYE BYE.

Nick is about to be rejected on network television for the 2nd time!  One more rejection and your next Bachelorette is free, kiddo!  Nick dives into a mologue about his love for Kaitlyn and she stands there and takes it, blinking a lot and holding her blinks for a while.  Ouch.  Finally,  he goes to reach for the ring box and she stops him.  Ooof.  Kaitlyn stumbles as she attempts to give an explanation and Nick says that he simply doesn't want to hear it (which I can completely understand). She ends up talking about herself a lot, rather than complimenting him profusely (which is the move that most people pull when negging suitors on The Bachelorette) and he makes the cryptic remark "you took things from me" which struck me as odd. Usually Bach breakups are more sad than they are tense, but this one was very tense and uncomfortable.  Nick hops in the limo, throws off his claddah ring, and says "I'm the world's biggest joke."  Ouch.  You are, but still, ouch.

Shawn walks up and launches in on a tirade that I swear I've read on OKCupid before, describing Kaitlyn as his "best friend, team mate, partner in crime" (I nearly puked at that one.  I'm sorry but the "partner in crime" thing is so friggin' CORNY!  What are you, Bonnie and Clyde? NO, you aren't but get this--my late grandmother Fern was once babysat by Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde fame! Seriously!).  Kaitlyn messes with Shawn a bit saying that she has to be honest with him and tell him the truth and then pauses for a WHILE before saying she she is completely his.  Shawn gets down on a knee, Kaitlyn kisses him, and somewhere Neil Lane erupts in applause as we watch an OVERHEAD, slow shot of the diamond going onto Kaitlyn's ring finger.  They hug, kiss, make out.

But wait, there is YET MORE BACH to be watched!

Right after that sweet ending, we're ready for the "After the Final Rose" special and the happy couple is ready to talk to Chris Harrison about their love.  Kaitlyn's in a gorgeous, low cut, white dress and Shawn is rocking a straight up NEW NOSE!  I called it immediately, then doubted myself (maybe the studio lighting is better than the location lighting of the season), but thankfully my pal Kerri Doherty reached out and confirmed my suspicion.  Plastic surgery is totally cool with me--you do you.  But there's something I find a bit odd about a DUDE getting plastic surgery in between the final episode and "After the Final Rose" and I know, I'm a jerk who somehow finds it OK for women to get plastic surgery, but not men.  Shitty double standard on my part.  I just wonder what that nose job means for Shawn's post-Bachelorette plans--does he want to become a D list "actor" in LA?  Nose job sure leads me to think that's what he wants!

Nick comes on to talk about his Catfish-style initial contact with Kaitlyn (which sounded pretty intense, at least for a non face-to-face interaction) and how he was hesitant to "pull a Chris Bukowski" (HILARIOUS reference to this loser Bach reject who friggin' keeps trying to come back) but he really liked her.  Shawn and Nick have a face-to-face during which Shawn sounds like a complete blowhard, insisting that they BOTH should have simply focused on Kaitlyn more (ummm, Nick DID that, Poor Man's Ryan Gosling--YOU were the one who was unable to pull that off) and acting like a big a jerk, I think.  Dude--you won.  Be graceful about it--you got what you wanted--stop giving Nick attitude, please.

Finally, Nick and Kaitlyn get some face time and Nick asks her straight up whey she said that she loved him and why she didn't send him home sooner.  Chris Harrison wisely chimes in that there's no such thing as a good breakup (trite, but true) and Nick says that he wishes Kaitlyn had been a bit more considerate of his feelings (I get that).  Nick wishes her the best and returns to his lair where he will plan his next sojourn into the Bachelorette world (just kidding--I'm thinking he's all Reality TV Love-ed out by now).

The episode closes with Kaitlyn, Shawn, and Shawn's new nose on the couch and Shawn saying that he's glad he can defend Kaitlyn from the cyber bullies now that the news is out, which strikes me as a bit funny since the cyber bullies mostly emerged after she slept with "That Guy" and not Shawn.

I'll be interested to see if Nick emerges on any future Bachelor franchise--Bachelor In Paradise, perhaps?

What did you think?  Did they producers edit the footage to make it seem like Kaitlyn + Nick was an inevitable match?  I felt like they did!  Did you see Kaitlyn + Shawn coming?  Comments below! :)  

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