Bachelorette Desiree: Men Tell All Recap

Monday night was the standard episode that is always "Bachelor Nation's FAVORITE episode" (if you believe Chris Harrison) or "an episode that is usually pretty fun" (if you believe everyone else in the world): THE MEN TELL ALL!

As a (less than) proud member of Bachelor Nation (#TheWorst), I tuned in to see if the "Tell All" episode was like every "Tell All" episode before it and yes, it was, in that every guy was tan, trim, and well-coiffed; there were some not-so-familiar faces (even Chunky Swayze zinged Jonathan for being one of those forgettable losers); and some smug mugs that we'd rather forget (sociopath father Ben, to be specific).

But the REAL winner in last night's episode?  The overly expressive audience.  Those ladies were working HARD for their $100 extra stipend and flexing those facial muscles with wild abandon.  They captured every expression: disappointment (at James' "explanation" of why he's not ashamed to be a fame whore), shock (at Ben's insistence that he was "sooo judged!"), and elated (at every G-D word out of Juan Pablo's mouth).  Check out this lady below, she is noooot believing a word she is hearing!!

And look at these gals below: the one on the left is about to sneeze (an allergic reaction to how much Zak W. suuuucks and is a corny assed cheesedick) and the one on the right is a spooky psychopath who knows that Ben's baby mama bumped into Dan (I know, who the EFF is THAT guy? Oh, the one who looks like a Ken doll with dark hair and works in beverage distribution? WHATEVZZZZ!!) in Vegas and spilled mad beans about the fact that Ben had a friggity whack girlfriend when he got the baby mama pregnant! Snaaaaaap! 

But seriously, folks (OMG don't you hate it when old timey standups use that as a transitional phrase? I DO!), there was some drama last night and, as usual, Chris Harrison had some fantastic punchlines. 

At the start of the episode, Desiree and Chris crashed some Bachelor viewing parties and we learned an important lesson: that EVERYONE in America watches The Bachelorette while drinking wine out of extra large goblets that look like props from Cougartown (SUCH an underrated show!).  For their NYC-based party crashing they were joined by Bach alums Ashley and JP, Jason and Molly (and their baby), and Trista.  What a community that Bachelor franchise is!  It's like the least exclusive Country Club in America.  Desiree says that she loves seeing that all of these people are watching the show and "rooting for her."  Oh gurl, we're not rooting for you so much as laughing at the idiotic dudes.  

Then Desiree sits down for some girl talk (and period-synching) with her BFFs Ashley, Ali, and Emily.  Because being on The Bach is like joining Scientology: YOU MAY ONLY BE FRIENDS WITH FELLOW BELIEVERS!!  Ali's hair looks grey (get some warmer tones in your weave, gurl), Emily's hair is sweet perfection (of course), and Ashley barely says a word (and has brown hair, poor thing).  

Finally, it's time to trot out the rejects and hope that America remembers them/gives a rat's ass.  Who's in the studio?  

Robert (spin sign inventor/tool), Dan (dark haired Ken doll who apparently roams around Vegas talking to the exes of other Bach rejects), Nick (has a mole and that's all she wrote), Brad (had a kid and a restraining order taken out on him BUT JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE!), Jonathan (lawyer who was super drunk and creepy on that first night), Bryden (Iraq War vet who doesn't look as hot as he seemed before), Brandon (guy who was really intense and had major family problems--but his hair is longer now!), Will (Chicago banker who should link up with Mikey and James for some Bach Chicagoland domination), Zack K. (Chuck Taylors), James (The Don), Ben (a father and a Christian who never called his son during the show and didn't attend church on Easter--I've been listening to too much Chunky Swayze and it's turning me all LAWYERY!), Mikey T. (who looks HOT and is wearing NO SOCKS!), Juan Pablo (who has a cheering section in the audience), Kasey (#OMGIhateyou), Michael G. (Chunky Swayze who seems to have grown bushier eyebrows while recovering from his broken heart), and Zak W. (whose entire existence feels like a joke).  

Everyone in the studio watches a montage of clips that summarize the season: James saying "F you" to a line-up of guys ("spraying the room" as Chris Harrison put it), Ben being creepy and lying to every guy while wearing a ridiculous tank top, Zak being overly bronzed and shirtless, general smack-talk.  There is nothing more enjoyable than witnessing a guy call another guy a "piece of shit" in a montage that they are both watching while seated right near each other.  It's truly delightful.  

Bryan (the guy who isn't even very hot and had a girlfriend while he was on the show) opted not to attend the taping, so the guys run roughshod over him and Chris Harrison encourages it.  Awesome. 

Ben is the first guy to get in the hot seat and Chris says that things started off so well (when he first emerged from the limo with his sweet son), but then "after night 1, everything went downhill."  I love that Chris said, in so many words, that the minute Ben opened his mouth, he was doomed.  TRUTH!  Ben says that it was really hard for him to watch his "girlfriend" date other men (umm... that's a shared experience by everyone in the house, moron--you're NOT special) and that he feels judged.  Maybe because you judged ALL of the other guys as unworthy of your friendship or respect on day 1, Ben.  Ben bangs the drum of being a good father and Zak shuts him up by saying that Ben NEVER mentioned his son, while Juan Pablo mentioned his daughter all the time.  SHUT IT, Dixieland American Psycho!  

Up next, James (The Don) attempts to convince Bachelor Nation (I'm trapped within its grasp!) that he really cared about Desiree, despite the fact that I bet if you asked him for his favorite thing about her, he's say, "ummmm... brown hair?"  Chris grills him about the alleged "If I make it to the top 4, I could be the next Bachelor" comment and he seems to blame Mikey for it (is there trouble within their sockless crew?).  Mikey chimes in and explains that they weren't plotting anything--they simply felt that Desiree liked other types of guys better (seems to be true) and they were accepting that perhaps she didn't like them, and what would come next.  Mikey explains himself well and James continues to look like a scheming a-hole.  This was when we saw some SHOCKED faces from the crowd.  (Ladies in the audience: you're SHOCKED that two jacked, conventionally handsome guys are insufferable jerks? Have you ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?)

Then Juan Pablo gets in the hot seat where he charms the pants off of America (ferreal) with his friendly demeanor, confidence, and good looks.  Do I smell an international soccer star Bachelor up next?  

Then, it's the moment that none of us have been waiting for: Zak W's time in the hot seat.  He looks exhausted and like he has been clocking extra hours at the spray tan salon.  But I'll admit, he makes some very relatable, heart-wrenching comments about being single when most of your peer group is not.  Come on Zak--don't make me feel bad about mercilessly mocking you for all these weeks!  It's what I DO! 

Finally, Desiree comes out in a cute, gold dress and faces her reject harem.  Chris Harrison asks her if she had any "nerves" and she says no, she had anxiety about this event. GURL. Those are the same thing. You are an idiot, but that dress DOES look great on you.  Chris makes a comment about "bad boys" to which Des replies, "whatcha gonna do?" and Chris gives her NOTHING because he's NOT a fan of Inner Circle (yes, that's the name of the wordsmith's who crafted those genius lyrics) or outdated jokes.  A flood of apologies commence: Jonathan apologizes for being a creep on the first night; Chunky Swayze admits that he played the lawyer card too intensely.  Desiree says that James manipulated her and James make a comment that effectively breaks the first rule of Reality TV Club: don't talk about reality TV club!  Juan Pablo asks her why he never got a 1:1 date and then winks at her (#swoon #NoSnark #ICanBeGenuineOccasionally).  And what episode would be complete without Zak making an ass of himself?  He says, "I think I have something to say..." then pulls out his guitar and plays a song he wrote. Oh Zak, you were the guy who knew Dave Matthews Band songs on the guitar in college, weren't you?  The guy who was like, "ladies LOVE it when I sing to them" while everyone was actually mocking you privately.  Have your swan song and get back to the oil fields, buddy. 

And before we knew it (120 long minutes later), the episode was over with Chris Harrison's promise that next week will be the MOST emotionally intense Bachelorette finale EVER!  I can't decide if the producers are messing with us (and making it seem like something goes VERY wrong at the end) or if it's just tricky editing and things will play out in a pretty standard way (with Des rejecting the first guy to arrive at the proposal site then, choosing the most boring guy--likely Brooks--and breaking up with him within months, then entering into a life of D list "celebrity" status).  We'll find out soon!   

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 6 Recap

As usual, I'm late with this recap.  I was performing at ALA in Chicago over the weekend (that's a conference hosted by the American Library Association and it RULZ) then had a gig Monday night, blah blah blah.  So my recap is late once again.  Someday I'll get it together, I promise, sweet pussycat.

What went down in episode 6 of The Bachelorette?  The standard fare that we have come to expect from this crew: Michael getting wicked lawyery, James (The Don) expelling water from his body in the form of a whole lotta tears and sweat, and Juan Pablo reminding us why the hell he's here (because he's a professional soccer player).

The crew headed to Barcelona, Spain (and based on Drew's pronunciation of whatever Spanish word means "small, street band," you KNOW that he's one of those jags who pronounces it "BarTHHHHElona."  What do I say to that? BARFelona--heeeyo! I'm the worst!).  Chris Harrison informs them of the week's activities: two 1:1 dates and a group date with roses up for grabs on all date and NO COCKTAIL PARTY (that's like WASP hell!), so there's no time for 11th hour pleas to Desiree.

The first 1:1 date goes to Mr. Clean Cut himself, Drew.  As soon as Des and Drew meet up on the street, he goes in for a real kiss which was very Will Hunting of him (remember that scene in the diner when Skylar talks about a goodnight kiss and Will talks about a goodnight lay and then they kiss? Ahh Boston... where the greatest dudes are bred).  They explore, eat tapas, drink from a filthy spigot and Drew explains that his father is a recovering alcoholic who has cancer (but nobody knows about the cancer).  Spoiler alert, Drew: eeeeerybody's going to know about the cancer now.  Hope Pops is chill with it!

That night they stumble upon a trio of musicians playing in an alley and they both "dance" which is horrible to watch.  Wow, Desiree is awkward when attempting to move her upper body and lower body in the ritual that humans call "dancing."  They pass through a tiny, unmarked door and into a gorgeous courtyard where they are supposed to have dinner, but--aww snap--Drew has other plans!  Clean cut Drew takes Desiree by the hands and WHISKS her away (dude whisks HARD), back into that same alley, for a HARD CORE MAKE OUT beneath bright lights & in front of 3 videocameras.  It all looked very dramatic and completely moronic.  But perhaps all public make-outs do?  I have no idea cause I'm usually on the inside of those hard core make-outs (Heeeeeyo! UP TOP! But seriously I made out with this dude at a bar in February and I can only imagine how weird we must have looked. Me, this perfectly coiffed knock out vision of perfection making out with a bearded mountain man in a hunting shirt. For reals!).

Post-hard make out, Drew tells Desiree about what he overheard in the van last week: Mikey (rest in peace sweet Chicagoland beefcake) and James (The Don) talking about what life would be like for them back in Chicago, post-Bachelorette.  Drew & Kasey heard the guys talk about their ambitions of being the next Bachelor or at least trading on this newfound fame to score some ladies/free bottle service.  Class acts, those two! (But you know that if Mikey ever asked me out, I'd definitely say yes, even though he's probably a sleaze.  Ahh the power of roid rage-style arms & tribal tattoos!  I'm helpless against it!)  Drew scores a rose in the alley (good thing Des always keeps those on her person, huh?)

The next day is the group date and the crew is Brooks (still effeminate), Chris (pasty but growing tanner/cooler), Kasey (#StillSux), Michael (Chunky Swayze if Dalton had gone to law school instead of NYU for Philosophy--oh don't you doubt I know my Roadhouse references for a MINUTE, reader!), James (The Don and the resident  house pariah), and Juan Pablo (remember him?).  Desiree is in Sporty Spice mode (Poor Man's Katie Holmes/Sporty Spice--how many pop culture references can I make at once!? TWO?) and meets the boys at a soccer stadium where they will be doing drills and playing.  Michael rocks a sweatband because that's his favorite activity in the world (other than screaming, "I OBJECT!" every chance he gets) and Juan Pablo says he feels like he's home.  After some drills, Desiree disappears then walks back out with her team, which is comprised of WOMEN!  The guys respond in such a way that I assume they're unaware that women are allowed to PLAY soccer, much less that they have their own league.  The 6 dudes will be playing against Des and her team of 5 professional soccer players, yet Brooks still says, "if we don't beat them, we'll be embarrassed forever."  Ummm guys, you know that these 5 ladies are PROFESSIONALS at this, yes?  Why would you be embarrassed when your team of 1 professional and 5 amateurs loses to a team that is 5 professionals and 1 amateur.  Oh wait, because they're WOMEN!? Oh wow--you guys really come off like total pussies, but apparently you're sexist pussies, which is the worst kind of pussy.  But I digress.  Desiree and her team friggin' slaughter the guys 10-2 and all is right in the world.

At the afterparty, Desiree recites an original poem for Chris (barf) and marvels at his sports skills, saying, "I could give you any activity and you could do it so good."  Too bad you can't use grammar so good, Des.  Meanwhile, Kasey and Michael are talking about the #JamesSituation and decide to confront James about what he said in the van.  Chris just happens to be sitting there (hold onto that nugget for later).  Kasey and Michael confront James and he gets mad REAL QUICK (not the sign of a person who feels especially innocent, huh?) and lights into the dudes.  He finishes off his monologue with a classic, Half Baked style exit, pointing at Michael, then Chris, then Kasey and saying, "Yeah, fuck you Michael and fuck you and fuck you."

My favorite part about the whole display was that Chris said NOTHING to James and yet still got the 'ole "fuck you" to the face. There is nothing more hilarious to me than when people get caught in the verbal crossfire like that.

Kasey then tells Desiree about all of it and Desiree asks James to stick around after the guys leave for some 1:1 time. Before they all leave, Desiree says that she won't be giving out a rose tonight (which was probably pretty frustrating to Juan Pablo since I imagine he KILLED IT in the soccer match).

During their alone time, James is unrepentant yet weepy and insists that he was just making small talk with Mikey (so apparently he'll go along with anything you say to him in conversation?).  Desiree is tired and confused and sends him back to the hotel.

The next day is the Zak/Desiree 1:1 and I remain flabbergasted about the fact that he's still HERE.  Zak is an annoying tool with a crazy positive attitude who showed up shirtless and covered in bronzer on night 1!  And yet he's still here!? Huh? (I know that in Sean's season the girl who showed up shitfaced & in a wedding dress made it to the final 2, but I still can't believe Zak is here!)

Since Barcelona has so much art, their date consists of going to a windowless studio to sketch (way to make use of the city, producers!) a few models and each other.  A nude model shows up (OF COURSE HE DOES) and assumes a pose that can only be described as "Taint Shame."  I would post a photo here but I'm afraid I'll end up on a watch list.  It was pretty sketchy (HEYO!) and of course Zak used that opportunity to strip down to his tightey whiteys and pose (come on Zak, did Marky Mark teach you NOTHING in the early 90s?).  That night they dress up for dinner in an underground vault where they drink, explore, and make out in a low-ceilinged hallway that made me feel claustrophobic just looking at it (plus, the dude on the other end of that tongue is Zak, so it's even worse).

Back at the hotel, confrontations are going down left and right.  James insists that he's just being realistic about life after Bach (IS there life after Bach?  Do you believe in life after love? Wasn't that Cher song DOPE? Do you enjoy questions?) and Brooks makes the valid point that when you're dating a girl, you rarely talk about how excited you are for the other girls you'll date after this one (truth).  Michael calls James toxic, evil, and sinister and Drew calls him a "piece of shit." I love it when dudes talk smack!

James and Desiree have a sweaty 1:1 and she's still torn about who to trust, but soon it's rose ceremony time and she has made her decision.

Drew and Zak already have roses, os they're all safe.  Chris Harrison informs us that THREE dudes will be getting the Heisman tonight (that feels like a LOT) and 3 will be getting roses.  Who scores a rose?

Chris (writing poetry pays off only on The Bachelorette, not as an actual career path)
Brooks (he made a good point about James' shitty behavior, so I'll give him a pass this week)
Michael (Chunky Swayze's passion for law is somehow appealing to Des!)

So who's hopping on the S.S. Get the F--k Outta Town to a dingy named "CYA Later!" then to the AirTran shuttle to Losertown, population 3?  Juan Pablo, Kasey, and James.  What do we think of that?

Juan Pablo: there was very little communication between Des & JP, it seemed. He was hot, though.
Kasey: he was annoying and non-hot from the very start. I'm stunned he made it this far (too harsh?)
James: his thick neck & broad shoulders were hot, but the fact that he was SO "eyes on the prize" and the prize wasn't Desiree was problematic.  I'm sure Mikey's waiting for you at Le Passage, buddy.

Where are Desiree and her 5 suitors headed now?  To an island off Portugal where tears are going to flow like we're in a waterproof mascara testing laboratory!  See you Monday!