Bachelorette Desiree: And Then There Were Three (Recap)

Last night, Chris Harrison FINALLY stopped his lying, boy-who-cried-wolf ways and we experienced something that was truly UNPRECEDENTED in Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise history.  What happened?  You'll soon find out, sweet pussycat.

The episode started off with Desiree at the bow of a boat sailing around Antigua with her voiceover blathering on about the fairy tale angle.  Yeah, that fairy tale where producers pull strings and force emotions and all of America watches and cringes--you know that 'ole story!  A classic just like Beauty & the Beast (or wait... is Desiree's fairy tale that one? Cause I gotta say Brooks is completely NON-hot).  Desiree super casually name-drops the exact name of the Antiguan resort, then walks to the dock where she appears to read a Bible.  We see a montage of Desiree's history with the three remaining suitors (because apparently ABC doesn't trust Americans to retain ANYTHING from the last 9 weeks of episodes).  The run-down is pretty much:

CHRIS: Des likes his nice body and poetry and says "I love his awkwardness."  Not the most "hot for you" thing to say about a potential mate.
DREW: His body is frigging INSANE.  Dude has a friggin' 10-12 pack and a face like an extra from "Happy Days" plus he's super sweet with his developmentally disabled sister. IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH!
BROOKS: They don't grow 'em more witholding and seemingly disinterested than Brooks.  To add insult to injury (or whatever), dude speaks in a whisper.  Blech.  

The first 1:1 date in Antigua is with Drew and he admits that he "didn't even know this place existed!" Oh, do they not cover Caribbean geography in your 1950s high school?  Just a whole lotta pep rallys and homecoming dances there, Drew?  Des & Drew (or as I call 'em: D&D--shitty dynamite) hop in an open top Jeep (and Des tells Drew that he has to drive because Desiree's lady brain would probably get them lots on the island, right?) and drive to a "festival" (which looked a lot like a bunch of paid extras, random crew members, and some local junk merchants) where they shop, awkwardly limbo, and enjoy steel drum music.  Then they head to a cliff where they eat pineapple and Drew says that the day Desiree met his family was the happiest day of his life (wowza--dude--THAT was the happiest day of your life?  Umm... have you never left your hometown with two middle fingers in the air while reciting the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Leash"?  Just me? I guess that Drew and I have different definitions of happiness).

That night, their romantic, beachside dinner is rained out, but that doesn't stop them from a quick, rainy make out, just like that song from Billie Myers (1997, what what!) and while D and D play tonsil hockey (NO PADS OR HELMETS! HUH?), the producers scramble to set up a romantic Plan B setting.  Apparently,  to the set designers at Bach Headquarters "romance" means a whole lotta bright throw pillows and table runners.  Desiree and Drew chat by candle light and Drew says that he's ready to propose.  D&D both play their roles in the predictable tradition of the legendary FANTASY SUITE NOTE (ostensibly from Chris Harrison, which is pretty damn creepy) with the standard language "should you choose to forego your individual rooms blah blah blah fantasy suite."  Both act surprised and intrigued by this prospect (despite the fact that they could have recited that text without so much as opening the envelope) and retire to the bedroom, where Drew says, "all right guys, time to leave," and we're reminded that their make-out sessions are witnessed and taped by a crew of people.

Meanwhile, Brooks is whispering (the only way he knows how to talk--LEARN SOME ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE BEFOR YOU RUIN YOUR VOICE, KID!) about how he's not quite ready to tell Des that he loves her and he feels torn.  He flies to Boise, Idaho where his family owns yet ANOTHER McMansion, and talks to his mom and sister about his mixed feelings.  Brooks explains that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to her and mom/sister push him to end things completely.  They both seem pleased that he's not going through with it.  So off he flies to Antigua to dump a girl on television (and you thought it was a schlep to travel to a local bar and dump your ex!).

But first, Chris and Desiree have a 1:1 date and Des makes the greatest fashion faux pas of the season (and perhaps her life).  Words won't do this justice, so I captured the monstrosity on my phone for you, dear readers.

Now, to play devil's advocate for a moment (although I LOATHE people who play Devil's advocate generally.  They're just argumentative contrarians who want to prove you wrong), perhaps Des got a little overexcited about her tropical getaway and bought this fringed vest there on location.  I did that once in Vegas (because you can pack your skimpiest dresses for a trip to Vegas, but you get there and suddenly the dress that was sexy at home looks like a nun's habit under the bright lights of the Vegas strip) when I bought a SUPER SLINKY dress (by Vegas standards, which means it's little more than a bikini to be worn out at night) from bebe that I have worn a grand total of once (that time in Vegas).  So perhaps that's what Desiree went through with this vest.  Either way, it's hella busted.

Des and Chris have a fun date, despite her tragic vest.  They make out on the beach ("From Here to Eternity" style), swim, stand on some rocks, write their names in the sand, and Chris describes his love for Des using Savage Garden lyrics.  That night, they have a romantic dinner and talk about their future while some loud, high pitched shrieks happen in the background (local animals? kids on swings for hours? crying dogs?).  Des asks about where they'd live at the end of all this and Chris manages to sound flexible while essentially saying that in the future he'll be staying in Seattle, thank you very much.  Then the fantasy suite card appears with its standard text and Chris says that he'd love to watch the stars with Des (that aint the only thing you'll be watching HAAAAAAAY!), so they retire to said suite.  The suite is decorated with a lot of candles and familiar looking pillows (that are probably covered in Drew's DNA from the previous night).  Chris breaks out a fresh poem (OF COURSE) about how he's excited for forever with Des.  Soon they're back in their swimsuits, making out poolside while that damn squeaking noise drones on.  ROMANCE!

Finally, it's the day that WE know will be the day of reckoning, but Des does not.  Poor girl is just rocking some white jean shorts, a belly top, and a big grin.  Oh gurl, as my viewing pal Julia Johns (@juliaguli8) said "your belly AND your heart are about to be exposed."  Aww snap! Truth!  But before Brooks can crush Desiree's dreams, he's gotta get through a round of conversation with armchair therapist Chris Harrison.

Brooks and Chris sit down and Chris pulls out all the stops: are you SURE that you're not in love?  Do you think that some alone time in the fantasy suite would give you a chance to ask any outstanding questions you might have?  Have you ever been in love before?  Brooks answers the questions with his patented bizarre perspective and whisper talk.  He says that his head tells him that this is the end with Desiree, but his heart doesn't (huh?).  He says that knows how love feels and to him it feels like pain and vulnerability (huh?) and that's not how he feels with Des.  And he drops the line that everyone in the world is tired of: "I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her."  Oh shut up.  Did you hear that line in a romantic comedy and tuck it away for when you might need it?  Because it's moronic.

Finally, Desiree and Brooks meet up and girl is GLOWING.  Brooks is, understandably, freaking out and he immediately guides her to a bench at the end of a long dock (DON'T JUMP, DES! Brooks is a tool and not worth it.)  It's hard to watch her go from ELATED to see him, to confused about what is going on, to heartbroken.  If Desiree's psychotic, tatted-up brother were there, Brooks would have been beaten to a bloody pulp within moments. Brooks draws it out and talks in circles like the chickenshit pussface that he is.  Poor Des sits there and listens, like an inverse poor man's Katie Holmes (cause ya know how Katie pulled some NINJA moves to drop her alien  husband T. Cruise).  Finally, she curls up in a ball and starts crying HARD, asks him, "why now?" and then says, "I don't care that you just broke my heart--I love you." Oh girl.  Don't tell this guy ANYTHING good.  Just WALK AWAY.  They sit on the bench and marinate on things for FAR too long.  (If I were Des, I'd be like, "I wasted the cutest daytime outfit of the whole episode on THIS?  You can hardly even see my sick abs cause I'm curled up in this ball of heartbreak!")  Finally, they get up so that Brooks can go back to his freakishly large family in Utah.  They hug in the driveway and Brooks tries to console Desiree, but as I learned with my ex from 2008 (whose "career" is something I check on occasionally to make sure it's still there, stalled at the side of the road), HE can't help you get over HIM.  Walk away.  FINALLY Desiree does and Brooks does, too.  He has an emotional tantrum in the jungle and Des sits on the end of the dock and bawls.

AND THAT IS WHERE THEY LEFT US.  I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison: that shiz was UNPRECEDENTED!  Next week we have another great performance by Desiree's waterproof mascara and everyone's favorite unlicensed shrink, Chris Harrison.

Des, this one's for you:

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 6 Recap

As usual, I'm late with this recap.  I was performing at ALA in Chicago over the weekend (that's a conference hosted by the American Library Association and it RULZ) then had a gig Monday night, blah blah blah.  So my recap is late once again.  Someday I'll get it together, I promise, sweet pussycat.

What went down in episode 6 of The Bachelorette?  The standard fare that we have come to expect from this crew: Michael getting wicked lawyery, James (The Don) expelling water from his body in the form of a whole lotta tears and sweat, and Juan Pablo reminding us why the hell he's here (because he's a professional soccer player).

The crew headed to Barcelona, Spain (and based on Drew's pronunciation of whatever Spanish word means "small, street band," you KNOW that he's one of those jags who pronounces it "BarTHHHHElona."  What do I say to that? BARFelona--heeeyo! I'm the worst!).  Chris Harrison informs them of the week's activities: two 1:1 dates and a group date with roses up for grabs on all date and NO COCKTAIL PARTY (that's like WASP hell!), so there's no time for 11th hour pleas to Desiree.

The first 1:1 date goes to Mr. Clean Cut himself, Drew.  As soon as Des and Drew meet up on the street, he goes in for a real kiss which was very Will Hunting of him (remember that scene in the diner when Skylar talks about a goodnight kiss and Will talks about a goodnight lay and then they kiss? Ahh Boston... where the greatest dudes are bred).  They explore, eat tapas, drink from a filthy spigot and Drew explains that his father is a recovering alcoholic who has cancer (but nobody knows about the cancer).  Spoiler alert, Drew: eeeeerybody's going to know about the cancer now.  Hope Pops is chill with it!

That night they stumble upon a trio of musicians playing in an alley and they both "dance" which is horrible to watch.  Wow, Desiree is awkward when attempting to move her upper body and lower body in the ritual that humans call "dancing."  They pass through a tiny, unmarked door and into a gorgeous courtyard where they are supposed to have dinner, but--aww snap--Drew has other plans!  Clean cut Drew takes Desiree by the hands and WHISKS her away (dude whisks HARD), back into that same alley, for a HARD CORE MAKE OUT beneath bright lights & in front of 3 videocameras.  It all looked very dramatic and completely moronic.  But perhaps all public make-outs do?  I have no idea cause I'm usually on the inside of those hard core make-outs (Heeeeeyo! UP TOP! But seriously I made out with this dude at a bar in February and I can only imagine how weird we must have looked. Me, this perfectly coiffed knock out vision of perfection making out with a bearded mountain man in a hunting shirt. For reals!).

Post-hard make out, Drew tells Desiree about what he overheard in the van last week: Mikey (rest in peace sweet Chicagoland beefcake) and James (The Don) talking about what life would be like for them back in Chicago, post-Bachelorette.  Drew & Kasey heard the guys talk about their ambitions of being the next Bachelor or at least trading on this newfound fame to score some ladies/free bottle service.  Class acts, those two! (But you know that if Mikey ever asked me out, I'd definitely say yes, even though he's probably a sleaze.  Ahh the power of roid rage-style arms & tribal tattoos!  I'm helpless against it!)  Drew scores a rose in the alley (good thing Des always keeps those on her person, huh?)

The next day is the group date and the crew is Brooks (still effeminate), Chris (pasty but growing tanner/cooler), Kasey (#StillSux), Michael (Chunky Swayze if Dalton had gone to law school instead of NYU for Philosophy--oh don't you doubt I know my Roadhouse references for a MINUTE, reader!), James (The Don and the resident  house pariah), and Juan Pablo (remember him?).  Desiree is in Sporty Spice mode (Poor Man's Katie Holmes/Sporty Spice--how many pop culture references can I make at once!? TWO?) and meets the boys at a soccer stadium where they will be doing drills and playing.  Michael rocks a sweatband because that's his favorite activity in the world (other than screaming, "I OBJECT!" every chance he gets) and Juan Pablo says he feels like he's home.  After some drills, Desiree disappears then walks back out with her team, which is comprised of WOMEN!  The guys respond in such a way that I assume they're unaware that women are allowed to PLAY soccer, much less that they have their own league.  The 6 dudes will be playing against Des and her team of 5 professional soccer players, yet Brooks still says, "if we don't beat them, we'll be embarrassed forever."  Ummm guys, you know that these 5 ladies are PROFESSIONALS at this, yes?  Why would you be embarrassed when your team of 1 professional and 5 amateurs loses to a team that is 5 professionals and 1 amateur.  Oh wait, because they're WOMEN!? Oh wow--you guys really come off like total pussies, but apparently you're sexist pussies, which is the worst kind of pussy.  But I digress.  Desiree and her team friggin' slaughter the guys 10-2 and all is right in the world.

At the afterparty, Desiree recites an original poem for Chris (barf) and marvels at his sports skills, saying, "I could give you any activity and you could do it so good."  Too bad you can't use grammar so good, Des.  Meanwhile, Kasey and Michael are talking about the #JamesSituation and decide to confront James about what he said in the van.  Chris just happens to be sitting there (hold onto that nugget for later).  Kasey and Michael confront James and he gets mad REAL QUICK (not the sign of a person who feels especially innocent, huh?) and lights into the dudes.  He finishes off his monologue with a classic, Half Baked style exit, pointing at Michael, then Chris, then Kasey and saying, "Yeah, fuck you Michael and fuck you and fuck you."

My favorite part about the whole display was that Chris said NOTHING to James and yet still got the 'ole "fuck you" to the face. There is nothing more hilarious to me than when people get caught in the verbal crossfire like that.

Kasey then tells Desiree about all of it and Desiree asks James to stick around after the guys leave for some 1:1 time. Before they all leave, Desiree says that she won't be giving out a rose tonight (which was probably pretty frustrating to Juan Pablo since I imagine he KILLED IT in the soccer match).

During their alone time, James is unrepentant yet weepy and insists that he was just making small talk with Mikey (so apparently he'll go along with anything you say to him in conversation?).  Desiree is tired and confused and sends him back to the hotel.

The next day is the Zak/Desiree 1:1 and I remain flabbergasted about the fact that he's still HERE.  Zak is an annoying tool with a crazy positive attitude who showed up shirtless and covered in bronzer on night 1!  And yet he's still here!? Huh? (I know that in Sean's season the girl who showed up shitfaced & in a wedding dress made it to the final 2, but I still can't believe Zak is here!)

Since Barcelona has so much art, their date consists of going to a windowless studio to sketch (way to make use of the city, producers!) a few models and each other.  A nude model shows up (OF COURSE HE DOES) and assumes a pose that can only be described as "Taint Shame."  I would post a photo here but I'm afraid I'll end up on a watch list.  It was pretty sketchy (HEYO!) and of course Zak used that opportunity to strip down to his tightey whiteys and pose (come on Zak, did Marky Mark teach you NOTHING in the early 90s?).  That night they dress up for dinner in an underground vault where they drink, explore, and make out in a low-ceilinged hallway that made me feel claustrophobic just looking at it (plus, the dude on the other end of that tongue is Zak, so it's even worse).

Back at the hotel, confrontations are going down left and right.  James insists that he's just being realistic about life after Bach (IS there life after Bach?  Do you believe in life after love? Wasn't that Cher song DOPE? Do you enjoy questions?) and Brooks makes the valid point that when you're dating a girl, you rarely talk about how excited you are for the other girls you'll date after this one (truth).  Michael calls James toxic, evil, and sinister and Drew calls him a "piece of shit." I love it when dudes talk smack!

James and Desiree have a sweaty 1:1 and she's still torn about who to trust, but soon it's rose ceremony time and she has made her decision.

Drew and Zak already have roses, os they're all safe.  Chris Harrison informs us that THREE dudes will be getting the Heisman tonight (that feels like a LOT) and 3 will be getting roses.  Who scores a rose?

Chris (writing poetry pays off only on The Bachelorette, not as an actual career path)
Brooks (he made a good point about James' shitty behavior, so I'll give him a pass this week)
Michael (Chunky Swayze's passion for law is somehow appealing to Des!)

So who's hopping on the S.S. Get the F--k Outta Town to a dingy named "CYA Later!" then to the AirTran shuttle to Losertown, population 3?  Juan Pablo, Kasey, and James.  What do we think of that?

Juan Pablo: there was very little communication between Des & JP, it seemed. He was hot, though.
Kasey: he was annoying and non-hot from the very start. I'm stunned he made it this far (too harsh?)
James: his thick neck & broad shoulders were hot, but the fact that he was SO "eyes on the prize" and the prize wasn't Desiree was problematic.  I'm sure Mikey's waiting for you at Le Passage, buddy.

Where are Desiree and her 5 suitors headed now?  To an island off Portugal where tears are going to flow like we're in a waterproof mascara testing laboratory!  See you Monday!