Last night was the season premier of The Bachelor with “Prince Farming” (#barf) Chris Soules as our fearless boy toy bachelor. As expected, there was a whole lot of B roll of Chris walking among the crops, driving a giant tractor, and chilling out in a grain silo (like you do). There was also a red carpet with legions of “fans” shrieking for their favorite Bachelor alums (cough—rejects who need to get real jobs—cough) because this franchise becomes more like an elaborate joke with each season. On the red carpet, Chris Harrison (our intrepid and beloved host) interviewed married alums Sean and Catherine (snappily asking Sean “do you know where babies come from?” after Sean said that a kid might “pop out in 2016”); engaged alums Lacey and Marcus (nodding as Marcus recited the opening credits to “The Dukes of Hazzard” and said that Bachelor Chris is “just a good ‘ole boy”); and Juan Pablo’s ex, Nikki (who spoke in circles about why he treated her like shit and she put up with it).
Time for more montages! We see Chris cruising in a motorcycle (you can get MY motor running, hot redneck), fishing with his dad, and chilling at the local VFW hall. But it’s not all fun and games for Prince Farming—Chris has been getting in shape under the careful tutelage of Macklemore on Roids (Cody aka Michelle Money’s ex-bf from Bachelor In Paradise and yes, I know that the brain cells that I could be using to re-learn French or understand the global economy are being wasted on Bach minutiae BUT I CAN’T STOP) and that workout regimen is like a farm version of the Rocky IV training montage.
|For a show as heteronormative as The Bachelor, this recreation of American Gothic is pretty progressive.|
The producers give us previews of a handful of gals: Britt the waitress who has an Ariana Grande thing going on, in that I suspect she’s just a pile of hair with an upbeat attitude; Jillian the super competitive newscaster whose muscular legs would put Hans & Franz to shame; Amanda the ballet instructor who admits she’s crazy and hates cooking and cleaning (girl, did no one tell you that Bach is here to promote traditional gender roles? Seriously, did no one tell you?); Whitney whose voice could NOT be more grating; Mackenzie who is 21, has a son (girl is efficient with her time), and says that Chris is “grown up” (yeah he is—you’re thrilled to be drinking legally—Chris is definitely an adult to you); Alissa who could probably kill with 15 minutes worth of flight attendant jokes; and Kelsey who is a 28 year-old widow—a widow who looks great in a bikini!
The theme of the first cocktail party night was endurance because that event stretched on ALL NIGHT LONG (all night) with the first batch of 15 girls having Chris to themselves for 3 hours before the next batch of 15 ladies arrived. The first batch of arrivals were pretty standard—Reegan arrived with a cooler full of human hearts (if that cooler were chock full of fresh Bud Lights, right All American Bachelor Chris?); blonde Ashley who walked in with a weird poker faced intensity and put a penny in his shoe; blonde Amanda opted to have Chris not see her and be a “secret admirer” (a secret admirer whose wardrobe was provided by Dancing With the Stars); Tara (whose “job” is the hobby of fishing, so I can only assume she’s a trust fund kid and/or unemployed) rolled up in boots, jean shorts, and a button down saying “this is me” then promptly changed into a cocktail dress and finageled another limo arrival (you really SHOWED THEM for about 5 minutes there, country girl!); and finally brunette Kaitlyn who hit a stunned Chris with the line, “you can plow the F out of my field any day” (wait, he’s the plow, you are the field? What season is it? Is crop rotation involved? What are your thoughts on cycling in soybeans?).
Chris goes into the house and the 15 women are shocked that the cocktail party is starting with so few girls, as it is not what normally happens (“I’ve watched the show half my life” –Ashley). Britt goes in for the kill with a conversation about the role of a wife and how to raise a family; Whitney says, “there’s something I need to get off my chest…I make babies every day” (which I’m sure KILLS when she volunteers at the nursing home); Nikki name drops the fact that she just got back from Machu Pichu and gives Chris a heart shaped rock she found there (so close to a Nirvana song). Amanda and her intense eyes finally get face time with Chris (since she hasn’t so much as shown her face to him—great strategy, dummy) during which they talk about the suburbs of Chicago (THRILLING).
Back in the studio, Chris Harrison gets some thoughts from Clare (of Juan Pablo’s season) and I haven’t seen that much contouring make-up since CATS closed on Broadway.
Just when those 15 gals thought think that this season of The Bachelor was going to be different and not the repetitive, formulaic reality TV show that we know and love, ANOTHER LIMO ROLLS UP! How dare it! Then another and yes, another. All totaled, 15 more ladies arrive (just as they have every other friggin’ season, kids). These entrances are a bit flashier: Tandra rides up on a motorcycle and her hair is blonde perfection even fresh out of a helmet (#respect), Alissa keeps the flight attendant jokes coming (now with props!), Jordan brings him a small bottle of whiskey (good girl), Brittany the WWE diva-in-training (cough—escort) who hails from Orlando, FL (of course she’s from there) rolls up in what resembles paper lingerie and a poster, and Carly enters singing into a children’s karaoke machine (like a grown up JonBenet--too soon?). The 15 originals (who are by now tired and suffering from flat hair and faded make-up) are mutinying like it’s some Billy Budd shit up in here!
So now we’re at 30 women and Chris (“I wish I were a polygamist right now”) and everybody is drinking and chatting. Ashley drinks a little too much (or just reveals that she’s unstable) and weirds everyone out with her talk of onions, sunflower fields, and horses. Tracy the brunette teacher is obsessed with not ending up as a “crazy cat lady” (The Bachelor used to be a touch more subtle about their fear mongering, but this season the gloves come off!), and Kaitlyn brings Chris into the driveway to teach him how to step-dig (sweet dance moves, weirdo). Britt (aka Big Teeth, Bigger Hair) scores the first impression rose and those two lovebids are already making progress.
Finally it’s time for the line-up and everyone is eager to see if Tara can remain standing after she spent so much quality time with her BFFs Jameson, Johnnie Walker, and Jack Daniels. Which lucky ladies get roses?
-Kaitlyn: I can already sense that she’ll be this season’s nightmare (or at least the bad/awkward faux comedian)
-Jade: whose dress kinda looked like this classic Britney look worn with a red skirt (but she and Chris seemed to have a strong connection)
-Samantha: the dark-haired fashioned designer
-Ashley I: dark haired girl in the goth-style dress who seems like she'll be high-maintenence
-Tandra: motorcycle blondie looks like she’ll be a slow burn and I like it
-Nikki: the “former NFL cheerleader” who reminds me that I’d like you all to call me the “former Brueggers Bagel Bakery employee”
-Kelsey: the Texan widow who is single handedly diversifying the hair length in the house
-Megan: black dress, blonde hair and I think we’ll see a lot of her this season
-Alissa: flight attendant who will start quoting "Airplane!" if she knows what I like
-Amber: one of the few women of color (this is The Bachelor, after all—it’s never diverse) who is rocking a gorgeous black gown
-Jeulia: blonde make-up artist
-Becca: San Diego native who looked like a knockout in a sparkly, black cocktail dress and fierce boots
-Trina: special ed teacher who can rock a mean 1 side, blonde hairdo
Just then Chris walks out of the rose ceremony and everybody knows it’s because Tara can hardly remain upright. Country girl got a little bit drunk, she’s wearing a friggin’ scrunchi (did anyone else notice that?), and she appears to have an ex’s name tattooed on her back. She’s like a blonde Snooki circa season 1 of The Jersey Shore with how badly she is coming off in episode 1, but how wonderfully she shall blossom in spite of her initial missteps (at least I hope so). Prince Farming isn’t sure how wise it is to hand a rose to a shitfaced girl and his buddy Chris Harrison is there to guide him. Before you know it, we’re back in the trenches.
-Mackenzie: 21 year old needs a make-up touch-up BADLY. Also, her son’s name is Kale which is just a little too Brooklyn for me and I live in the friggin’ borough.
-Tracey: the teacher who wouldn’t SHUT UP about how terrifying she thinks it is to be an adult woman who is single. Ugh. Every time that girl opened her mouth, Gloria Steimen’s legacy was set back a decade.
-Tara: the drunk redneck stays in the game and the crowd goes wild! (Not really—the other women seem to resent that “the drunk ones” (Jordan and Tara) got picked, but I got news for you, uptight nerds: the drunk ones are usually the fun ones! Alpha Theta Chi forever!)
-Jordan: another tipsy lady gets a rose! Wheeeee!
-Jillian: the super competitive body builder is pissed that she had to wait so long for a rose. That’s a really appealing attitude!
-Whitney: her nasal voice and dad jokes live to see another week, unfortunately
-Carly: move your Barbie karaoke machine into the Bachelor Mansion, you’re staying!
-Ashley: nightmare in a silver dress is being kept around to stir up trouble
So who is taking the long, sunrise walk out of the Bach Manse and back into the darkest recesses of our American memory banks?
-Pig Nose: I’m sure she has a name, but I just can’t get past a girl who rolled up in a friggin’ pig nose. Right now I’m reading that book The Opposite of Loneliness and I call Pig Nose’s gimmick The Opposite of Sexiness.
-Bo, the blonde plus-sized model in a knockout red dress (“See! We had some diversity in body types for a whole 120 seconds on screen!” –Bachelor producers)
-Crazy Amanda: Bad news for the girl who hates cooking and cleaning—you gotta go back to your mom’s house and deal with cooking/cleaning again. I just can’t believe that she and Chris didn’t bond over the fact that they both know that Kanakakee is about an hour south of Chicago!
-Brittany the WWE diva-in-training: at least now she can get back to her intense training regimen of holding posters and standing around in lingerie.
-Reegan the cadaver saleslady: maybe try dating a zombie?
-Kara: I swear, ya tell one guy that “we’d make great babies” and you refer to yourself as “a little servant” and some guys get SO FRIGGIN’ WEIRD about it!
-Kimberly: white dress, dark hair, very little impression made. She exits the house and cries, then walks back in and interrupts Chris’ happy times with his chosen ladies. GREAT IDEA, girl! Just as the old saying goes, “if a person rejects you, it’s because he/she secretly likes you and needs to be beaten into submission.” DO YOU, KIMBO!
After the champagne toast, we see a montage of what’s to come this season: Cinderella themes, a camping trip during which somebody sneaks into Chris’ tent and pulls the ‘ole “we went swimming in the ocean” Juan Pablo + Clare-style except on land, and tears. Tears like we have never seen before. These aint the tears from last season of The Bach—no, we’re talking flat-on-your-back-hyperventilation-tears like Bachelor Nation has never SEEN before! Here we go!
I think that Britt and Jade are front runners—who are your picks?