This is your intrepid recap writer, Selena "Bury Me in a White Bikini" Coppock, reporting for duty.
Monday's episode was a solid one, with 3 dates, 2 rose ceremonies, and 1 pair of gold underpants.
We open at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Clay has just left with his broken wrist. There is strange energy in the house among the guys, but Becca and Blake are loving life and talking about how many children they might have! Wheeee! They both love boy names for girls: Becca wants to name her daughter Stevie and Blake wants to name his daughter Charlie, and I'm just glad that I have found other fans of the early 90s TV show, SISTERS!
Remember these gals? Georgie, Frankie, Alex, and Teddy?! Gosh I was OBSESSED with this show when I was young, which feels odd since it was about the difficulties of some middle-aged women living in Winnetka, IL battling drinking problems, sexual assault, infidelity, and family issues. But I LOVED IT! Random trivia: Bruce Springsteen's first wife is the lady in the lower, left corner of that DVD case above. Waddaya know! Anyhoo. Becca and Blake are biting off SISTERS'S style with their kid name picks.
Meanwhile, resident bizarro boy, Jordan, is shit talking injured David (as usual), saying that he talks God every day and that people who go against him have bad things happen to them. Read: God broke your face, David, because you mocked me. David makes his semi-triumphant return to the house, black eye and bruised cheek, and all. I gotta admit, for once, David looks TOUGH and it makes me somewhat attracted to him. David gets a lot of hugs from the guys, an immediate rose from Becca (sometimes breaking your face is the best thing that has ever happened to you), and shouts over to Jordan, "what up, Jordan, how you doing?" to which Jordan doesn't even FLINCH. God these two are like an old, previously married couple. Blech.
In a move that will haunt her throughout this episode, Becca gives Jordan a pair of shiny, gold booty shorts (hey, it's pride month and Jordan is the gayest thing I have seen since the last time I hung out at the Stonewall Inn) but David is feeling good and says, "I may not have a male model face at this point, but I have a rose, bitch." AWWW SHIT, CHICKEN SUIT DAVID AINT HERE TO PLAY!
Soon it's rose ceremony time. Colton (Husky Ryan Phillippe), Chris (lil cheesy), and David (man without a face) already have roses.
The others go to:
-Jason (looking like a mafia don with the slicked hair)
-Wills (love that light, patterned jacket!)
-Nick (WHO IS WEARING TWO CROSS MEDALLIONS AND A TRACKSUIT! I repeat, he is in a TRACKSUIT at a formal event and he didn't just walk off the set of Sopranos 2: Tony's Still Messed Up. As we saw him in a bizarro track suit, we heard audio of him saying, "I gotta be who I am" and I didn't realize that who Nick is, is a dude who retired from his career in imports/exports (hey, don't ask questions) and now spends his days at the Keno parlor telling anyone who will listen about how thin he can slice his prosciutto.)
-Lincoln (looking good in a bow tie)
-Christon (dark suit, patterned tie, solid look)
-Blake (I hate his clothing style--ALL Blake's choices are bad choices)
-Garrett (who might be a weirdo conservative hidden inside the body of a HOT BOY)
-Leo (big hair don't care)
-John (lil nerdy but sweet)
-Connor (big hair AND I CARE! This dude is a little tank engine of sexy)
-Jordan (as my wise roommate said, "he's a character, not a contender")
-Jean Blanc (coming in last! Ouch!)
So the two dudes who will be trying to sell you Fab, Fit, Fun boxes via Instagram in the near future are the blonde man bun (sorry dude--there can be only one man bun) and Roger, the dweebus banjo player. I know that we have some Roger Heads reading this (hi Katie!), so I'm sure that moment was a sad one.
Becca gathers the non-losers and Jordan (HEYO!) and announces that their next stop is PARK CITY, UTAH! The clip of slicked hair Jason screaming, "UTAH, baby!" made me laugh harder than the time I saw Dave Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall last summer (#brag).
The first date is a 1:1 with Garrett and Becca scoops him up from the ski chalet where the dudes are staying (very cool digs) and takes him to downtown Park City so that she can straddle him in front of a small child.
|A super low budget screen shot of my Instagram story! I am a tech moron!|
After that, they try on hats, goof around, and generally act like two SUPER LOSERS falling in love. Look, I'm as cripplingly lonely as the next NYC-based comedian and I would love to find love and become a bit insufferable, but GOOD LORD these two give me dumb chills that broke my insufferability scale completely.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Lincoln reveals that he is a flat Earther, as if this season couldn't get more full of weirdos (Garrett has some problem Instagram likes, Lincoln might take shits on the bathroom floor AND was convicted of assault, Jordan is bananas).
Back on the date, Becca and Garrett meet up with 2006 Olympians Valerie and Shauna who were Olympic teammates, fell in love, got married, and now have 2 kids together. Fuck yeah, ABC. Thank you for giving them time to share their story--representation matters and I LOVE that almost EVERY guest star sports person we have met this season has been female.
Garrett and Becca hop in a bobsled with the couple and all four cruise around the track. After that, G and B drink bubbly on an animal pelt and it occurs to me that if you are a non-drinker, this show might be hard for you to participate in. Also, if you're not a total psychopath.
That night they get done up and Garrett is in a navy blazer and tan pants, looking like a 9th grader at his first semi-formal dance. Becca is in a taupe sweater dress, heels, and a red jacket. Have you noticed that Becca is the QUEEN of the dramatic jacket removal? She does it every time and I love it. Often the jacket is just on her shoulders and she waits until she arrives somewhere, all eyes are on her, then she gracefully removes the jacket as if to say, "HELLO, BOYS!"
Garrett reveals that he's divorced in the MOST evasive, roundabout way by talking about the relationship from the beginning and meandering all over the place discussing their "adventures" and subtly saying, "so then we were married" and, honestly, it seemed like he was trying to hide that fact, didn't it? Dude--just shot straight!
Garrett claims that his ex was manipulative and emotionally abusive and I WISH that I could see how she responded to those claims!! Live cam of her viewing party, please, ABC!!! Becca senses loyalty and commitment from the guy who just disparaged his ex-wife on national TV, so he scores a rose. But wait, the date isn't over!! A no-name, D list country singer is legally required to appear!! And Granger Smith (WHO?) is just the guy. They go to his concert, are taped by a million iPhones (PEOPLE! Live your LIVES! Stop recording your lives!), and make out on a platform.
The next day is a lumberjack group date starring Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick (what, no tracksuit this time, Mr. Soprano?), John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christo, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc.
Becca makes the dudes dress up like my dream dates and then perform feats of strength, which is my dream date activity. Stop haunting my dreams, Baby Monster!
The dudes participate in a Lumberjack Contest and John (quiet, lil nerdy) does surprisingly well, dominating all of his challenges! He wins for his team (blue team) and gets the reward of a golden axe (an actual golden ax in a log), which is nice, but ya know what's nicer? A frigging ROSE!
That night at the after party, Becca rocks a red, velvet dress with a VERY low cut V neck, a black jacket (DRAMATIC REMOVAL!), and big earrings. Jason (slicked hair) admits that he's struggling with his emotions a bit, Jordan strips down to his golden go-go shorts and gives the camera a TAINT SHOT as he bends over Becca. It was horrifying. Dude--you are a model. You should know your angles. Bending over, taint out, AT the camera, is an abomination. Even if your taint is covered by a pair of gold daisy dukes. Also, HOW am I writing these things and this isn't a recap of Ru Paul's Drag Race? In conclusion of the Jordan stuff, he had 1:1 time with Becca and he chose to spend it in weird gold hot pants and then WALK AWAY!?!? Dude, time with Becca is precious--why were you more eager to get back to the crew of dudes? Hmmmm.
After that weird display, Colton pulls Jordan outside (HOT move, Mr. Man) and says that Jordan is being a clown, putting on a show, and he seems like he's not here for the right reasons. I concur, Colton! You are HOT and RIGHT!
Meanwhile, Jean Blanc is weirding out Becca during their alone time. He presents her with perfume, then says that he wants to whisper something in her ear and when he gets close to her face, he grabs her chin and moves her head to kiss him. Buh. No. To me, that was a lil weirdly pushy and Becca clearly wasn't feeling it. It was a little too smooth and calculating, when Becca seems to respond to playfulness more than "moves." Leo interrupts, but Jean Blanc is anxious that he hasn't given Becca enough attention, affection, adoration, so he comes back and tells Becca that he's falling in love
DUDE!!! PUMP THE BRAKES!!!
It was so clear that Jean Blanc was just feeling insecure and left behind, so he laid it on THICK in a moment of desperation, but it REEKED of bullshit! Dude, do you think she'll keep you around just because you're like, "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU"???? She needs to love YOU, also! And we're only on week 4! Even guys that Becca is connected to (Garrett, Jason, Colton) aren't saying stuff like that!
You can see Becca cringe-ing as Jean Luc comes on too strong and she shoots him straight--this is a LOT, a bit too intense, and we're on different wavelengths. She says that this needs to be the end and generously walks him out (WITHOUT A JACKET IN THE FREEZING COLD) and yet he whines about giving her the perfume gift. Dude! Stop! You look worse every time you open your mouth! Time to go!
But no, he KEEPS making it worse by attempting to backtrack and saying that what he said isn't "necessarily" where he's at, that he thought it was where SHE wanted to take things. Becca wisely responds, oh so you are just saying whatever you think I want to her? Jean Blanc--time to go. There is NO WAY to salvage this. Becca says the just wants HONESTY, Jean Blanc finally leaves, and Becca returns to the guys very shaken up. She says that she is very angry, she feels like he was bullshitting her and fears that other guys may be doing the same, and heads home--no rose on the group date (sorry, John).
There is somehow ANOTHER 1:1 date, if you don't think that this episode has gone on long enough! I gotta keep this part short cause I'm exhausted.
Sweet Wills and Becca spend the day together and he's just what she needed--a caring, low key, thoughtful, easygoing dude who will let her slowly move on from the rush of insecurity that she felt as a result of Jean Blanc's actions the night before.
They ride snowmobiles, have a snowball fight, and Wills commits a Bachelorette first by talking about open relationships! Hoooo boy!! I bet that ABC had never heard the phrase "hall pass" used that way before! I appreciated Wills's candor in sharing that story of heartbreak and I'm impressed by his self-awareness. He scores a rose and before we know it, we're back to another rose ceremony (no cocktail party--sorry, suckers!).
Lincoln, Connor, and Tracksuit Nick are anxious because they didn't get much time with Becca this week.
She rolls up in a gorgeous, mermaid style gown (my fave) that's black, textured, and has a pouffy bottom half. She starts handing out roses and I'll save you some time by addressing who did NOT get roses: Christon (handsome former Harlem Globetrotter who took it in stride) and Nick (blonde dude who seemed cool until he put on a tracksuit to make some sort of righteous point about--I dunno, track runners? Italians? Residents of South Boston?) who blamed himself, which was the only good thing he has done.
Where to next?
LAS VEGAS!! Hell yeah!!! Jordan assures us that he's "going to make moves--DEEP MOVES." What the hell does that mean? WHO KNOWS!??!?!??!
See ya next week!