Friday, July 6, 2018

Bachelorette Becca: Bow Ties and Political Brawls in Exotic Virginia


Monday night was episode 6 of Becca's illustrious season as The Bachelorette and she reminded us of why she is such a good Bachelorette--she don't take no mess.  No quite to the degree that Rachel didn't suffer fools gladly (I LOVED her mantra about "keeping it 100"), but Becca does stand her own in the face of Chris's attempted manipulations.  CHRIS!  What a loser!  I hated him from night one (because of his face, his energy) but Becca was a little slower to figure him out.  She finally did, though, thank God. 

Monday's episode found us in exotic Richmond, Virginia and we were repeatedly beaten about the face and neck with the reminder that "Virginia Is for Lovers" throughout episode 6.  I have bruises from it!!! I get it!! UNCLE!! VA is for LOVERS!!  Please stop! 

Jason (slicked back hair, lil guido) scores the week's first date and it's a 1:1 so he's amped. The rest of the men are stuck in a hotel suite where Chris and Lincoln vie for the title of "Dude Who Is Most Annoying and Tiresome" and it's neck and neck!  Garrett may be problematic, but his comment that "it's like dumb and dumber but I don't know which one is which" is dead on.  Wills is annoyed and giving GREAT face about it.  Hotties Connor and Colton are equally frustrated and dumbfounded by this idiocy.  If you think women cause drama and have petty brawls, you have GOT to watch The Bachelorette because these dudes take petty to a "whole new level," as dummy Chris would phrase it. 

In happier scenes, Becca and Jason sipped champagne on the back of a trolley, visited St. John's Church (where Becca played tour guide/trivia sharer to a wholly unnecessary degree), painted donuts, and attended an UNHAPPY HOUR (honk!) where bizarro, goth 20-somethings stood around awkwardly drinking red fluids. Wait, is that a goth happy hour or an 9th grade party in Small Town, USA?  The pair wandered around the Edgar Allen Poe museum and I found the Poe stuff bizarre because Poe was born in Boston and is definitely associated with Baltimore more than anywhere else. But wikipedia has informed me that Poe attended UVA, so I suppose that is why they have latched onto his legacy.  Either way, Becca hops into an upright coffin and Jason leans in for a kiss while she's in the 'ole death box. Virginia IS for lovers!! Even DEAD LOVERS!! (I'm loopy--just ate lunch--too much sugar in the 'ole poke bowl.)

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Chris is a "walking storm cloud" and is going off the rails on a crazy train, if you get what I mean. 

I don't think I have had a season of recapping this show in which I have not referenced this song.  It always fits! And Chris is a psychopath who is more upset at feeling MILDLY rejected or forgotten than he should be! Take the L, kid! 

Back on the date, Becca has a surprise for Jason and it's HIS THREE BEST FRIENDS at a packed bar!  This will be GREAT audio, people!  Jason tells one friend about how much he likes Becca as Becca grills 2 other friends (one of whom is the strong, silent, CUT to death type and mama likes it) about Jason's character.  Unsurprisingly, Jason's friends like Jason!! WOW! Talk about getting the INSIDE SCOOP, ya know? 

After the drinks date (beer in wine glasses, huh?), Becca and Jason walk into the parking lot for a sensual leg kiss with jump and leg straddle.  It looked like pairs figure skating! 

That night Jason is in a dark suit and no tie, which is THE LOOK this season and I sorta hate it. I can dig the suit-and-no-tie look AFTER an event.  Or if an event is very casual. But I dunno--it just feels like walking into a really fancy, sit-down dinner (to which your date is wearing a damn DRESS) and being like, "fuck you," ya know?  Becca looks amazing, as always--black cocktail dress that shows off her shoulders beautifully, hair down, dangly earrings.  They talk about having a core crew of friends, family illness and death, and how family and friends are everything (DUH, dudes).  Becca gives Jason a rose, then climbs up a ladder directly above him (HEYO!! Here's a preview of THE GOODS, guido lite), then they end up in a clock tower where they scream and make out.  

Back at the hotel, Chris sees his own inability to attract Becca as a challenge to be conquered, which it's not. No one wants to hear your motivational sayings or mantras about adversity, bro.  Just go back to Florida where your facial hair is probably not the red flag that it is anywhere else.  

The next day is a group date and the crew is Colton (ummmm hi), Garrett (growing on me), Wills (I LOVE his facial expressions when losers start popping off), Connor (SO HANDSOME, SO UNDERRATED), Blake (lil dopey but Becca likes him so I'll give him a pass), Lincoln (too emotional), and Chris (creepy AF).  

Becca meets them at the capitol building in Richmond, VA where she is wearing a maroon PANTSUIT and in tribute to the brilliant, qualified, ambitious, hardworking, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, winner of the popular vote and rightful President of the United States of America.  

Becca and the Boyz meet up with period actors playing George Washington (1st Pres, yo!) and Abraham Lincoln (sweet 16th prez) who inform them that their task today will be a debate-style conversation about dating Becca: BECCELECTION 2018 or something like that. 

A crowd assembles outside the state house and the dudes each take a place a lectern (remember: a podium is just the top part--a lectern is the whole thing. Thanks for reminding me of this crucial info, dad!!) and the Governor of Virginia, Ralph Northam, asks the first question.  Now, I shrieked when the guy said that he was the actual GOVERNOR of VIRGINIA but ya know what? That's kinda cool.  Richmond was showcased beautifully in this episode  (it made me want to do a weekend getaway down there!) and I'm sure that the VA Board of Tourism was eager to get on TV and the Governor was into it. That makes me smile! And his question was great: what would is your idea of a perfect date with Becca?  Colton pulls a Bill Madison and says "Virginia Is for Lovers" which WINS THAT CROWD OVER!! He also mentions Becca's Corgi because HE LISTENS TO HER!!!! 

Wills is genuin and earnest, Connor makes a joke about his great hair (we have so much in common, my sweet little tank engine of shirts with many buttons undone), and Lincoln takes a cheap shot at Chris which, unsurprisingly, makes Chris go OFF THE RAILS. Chris shocks the crowd by saying into his microphone that Lincoln called him a "fat BLEEP" (fuck? bitch?) then rambles on about dishonesty within the house. At the closer of this trainwreck, Chris whines to Blake about how "I had to look like the bad guy in front of all these people." WOW. Dude. You did that to yourself!  No one else looked bad! Ya know why not? Cause no one else ran his mouth! You are self-pitying, narcissistic, paranoid, and NOT HOT. Becca should have grabbed the mic from you and said, "your tour ends here" which is a quite from a different reality TV dating show, Rock of Love, but it's a GREAT line to dump someone. 

That night the group date afterparty is in a classic home that has, seemingly, no heat.  Becca is looking "finale of Grease" cool in a black bustier with a choker attached (I did NOT understand the Physics on that one, but then again, I legit got a D in Physics I THINK--wait, did I take physics? So much of my education is a blur of worrying about brushing my hair and wondering if anyone had any gum--that was back when I chewed GUM!! Now I'm anti-gum--thanks, mom!! I legit mean it! Gum is garbage! But I digress), tight black pants, and heels. She looked SO GOOD.  But ya know who else is in all black and also wants ATTENTION?  FUCKING CHRIS!!! 
SHREDDED knees at a classy afterparty!? Dude. Get a clue. 

Lincoln scoops up Becca first, taking her to a private room so that he can tell her that Chris is unstable and that Connor is rooming with Chris but is a bit anxious about it because, again, Chris is unstable and volatile.   Chris proves that Lincoln might be a lil kookoo, but he's telling the truth, by interrupting their 1:1 conversation much too soon.  So Becca and Chris talk alone and Chris is, yet again, stunningly self-pitying and narcissistic--he reminds me of guys I used to date. Blech.  Becca is candid with Chris, telling him that, apparently, sweet hottie Connor is uncomfortable rooming with him and that that fact makes her very uncomfortable. His response is that THAT makes him very uncomfortable. Becca then volleys that it makes HER very uncomfortable but Chris can't leave well enough alone, so he AGAIN says that that makes him very uncomfortable. GUY! Wow! You SO profoundly DO NOT GET IT. I mean, people feel uncomfortable AROUND YOU because you have been huffing and puffing around, being angry, being flippant--OTHER PEOPLE get to feel uncomfortable but you need to own the fact that YOU have created this world, dude. I was stunned that Becca didn't send him home then and there.  There is NO coming back from this.  

Eventually, Chris goes back to the group to ruin their night, also, and he says the phrase "on so many levels" about a dozen times, plus accuses the other guys of lying. HUH? Dude. Stop. You have completely lost the point of this show and gotten caught up in the weeds--get yourself outta there. 

Becca is so shaken by her conversation with Chris that she attempts to talk to Garrett then asks him to leave so that she can collect herself.  Garrett then reads Chris the riot act (good job, dude) and says that Chris needs to MOVE ON because his drama is now affecting everyone. Chris seems willing to take that note--likely, because it was issued by a man.  

In lighter moments at the after party, Colton and Becca make out HARD. Wills tells Becca that he's falling in love with her. Garrett says he's "not so good with words" so he reads her his closing statement from earlier that day (awww) and Connor wears glasses, which make him look even cuter than usual. 

At the close of the date, Becca delivers a lengthy monologue about the person to whom she is giving the rose and she's raving about this guy and Garrett is GRINNING because he thinks it's him, but it's not--she's describing COLTON! Ha! Oh man. Moments like that are why The Bachelorette is so entertaining and wonderful.  Chris, in classic psychopath style, ends the date saying, "I don't give up--I'm not going to lose this battle." BATTLE? Against whom? Dude--go home and stop embarrassing yourself.  I can't wait to see that fucker try to save face on "The Men Tell All" episode.  

The next day is Becca and man bun Leo's 1:1 date and Becca is emotionally exhausted, which I definitely understand.  They take a plane to explore VA from the sky, get suited up in waders and go oyster farming then shuck them there in the water, which always reminds me of that sweet children's book in which the little girl finds some oysters. I just googled it HARD and came up empty. Does anyone else remember that one? Sorry for this diversion--let's get back to the HOT DATES and cute bois. 

Leo is lovely--he tells Becca that he would "be hers" in the real world if she wanted him (aww dude), he says "you're so hot" as they kiss (hell yeah, man), and later in the date he candidly admits that he adores his father and fears that he has let his father down.  Oh man. Leo is so wonderful because there's no artifice--he is who he says he is and he isn't an operator, ya know?  He's like the opposite of Chris. 

Leo gets the rose and Becca seems so touched by him, but I don't see him lasting to Hometowns.  

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Connor and Jason are talking about volatile Chris as Chris sits alone in a dark room, scribbling something on a notepad. The producers are really having a FIELD DAY with this "Chris as Serial Killer" narrative and I am sort of loving it. 

The close of Leo and Becca's dinner date is that they attend a concert of country music SUPERSTAR MORGAN EVANS (JK JK JK who the EFF is Morgan Evans? Just another country music newbie who is being featured on The Bachelorette/The Bachelor because that is ALL THEY DO. Remember years ago when they had Seal on and he sang "Kiss from a Rose"? Why can't we get back to stuff like that, huh, ABC?). Becca is rocking a sparkly, silver minidress and Leo looks handsome in a suit.  They make out and dance awkwardly on a platform as Bachelor Nation records all of it on their iPhones, rather than just living in the moment.  

Leo returns to the hotel, rose-on-lapel victorious and the other guys greet him with glee, which pisses off psycho grumpus Chris. 

Actual photo of Chris watching Leo return from his 1:1 date with a rose

Chris exits the living room immediately and puts on his jacket, then hustles over to Becca's room. Because what Becca wants right now is MORE DRAMA, no doubt. We see footage of Chris nonsensically badmouthing Lincoln ("that man eats 12 eggs every day--his cholesterol has to be 6000") before he arrives at Becca's door and all Becca can do is laugh a LOT and repeatedly ask, "what are you doing here?" 

Becca lets him in and it's painful to watch--as usual, Chris is completely "me-me-me" and he says, "I need you to not think about that anymore" (Ummm NOPE! YOU don't get to decide what she gets to think about), "I can see myself marrying you at the end of this" (to which she wisely asks him what changed because a week ago, you were ready to bounce outta here, guy), and finally, he says, "I'm not going to let this adversity stop me from what I want" (ummm HUH?? "What you want" is another human and SHE also gets to decide what she wants, dude).  Overall, he just make himself look, as usual, selfish and uncaring, which is ironic because you KNOW that he thinks that his repeated conversations with Becca are to show that he cares about her.  But he doesn't--he cares about winning, he cares about saving face.  That's all. 

FINALLY, Becca says, "I know that this is not going to work out" (and passive aggressive pussy makes her explain that TWICE--come on guy--you KNOW what she is saying here) then angrily says that he does NOT want her to walk him out.  Good riddance, bitch.  You're a profoundly angry man who doesn't take ownership of his own problems.  Byyyyyye. 

It's rose ceremony time and there are 8 guys, 3 have roses, 2 will go home.  Becca scraps the cocktail party, much to Connor's chagrin.  It is BOW TIE NIGHT on The Bachelorette and these dudes are looking NICE (except for the guys who are wearing NO ties which is a look that inspires me to recite my personal mantra, NO THANK YOU!!!).  

Garrett, Blake, and Wills already have roses.  I was too tired to tally the order of the rose presentation, but at the end of it, Connor and Lincoln were rose-less and sent home.  Connor is a sexy CLASS ACT, so he tells Becca that he hopes she finds love, he waves goodbye, and he bounces.  Lincoln is similarly classy, hugging goodbye and leaving without drama.  More than we can say for Chris, huh?  

THANKFULLY, we'll see Connor on Bachelor In Paradise, but unfortunately, we'll also see Psychopath Chris.  Be careful in Paradise, ladies.  

The episode closes with some jabs at Pasty Snooze Arie from Honest Abe and I was DYING. 

See you next week! 

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