Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Bachelorette Becca: Ep 7: A Man Bun Gets Snipped, Plus a Leopard Print Lover

Monday night we had our 7th episode of The Bachelorette and we finally went somewhere tropical--the Bahamas! Bring on the dumb conch shell jokes and innuendo, boys!

Becca has 6 suitors and will be snipping 2 in The Bahamas (like that old Andy Dick reality TV show, The Assistant--not "snipping" like surgery) and then next week is HOMETOWNS! Gosh--how are we already here!? This week we had a lotta bikinis and Becca even layered a white bikini beneath a yellow shirt in a group date--a girl after my own heart!

Chris Harrison and Becca have a chat and Becca is excited for a week with NO DRAMA. I hear you, Mary J. Blige!  Now that Chris, David, and Jordan are gone, I don't think we'll have any drama and I'm glad.

Maybe it was the angle Chris Harrison was sitting at, but I had a moment of wondering if perhaps he has had a face lift recently.  Just me?

The dudes are chilling out in their hotel room when Becca visits them to kick off the week of dates. There will be 4 dates total: 3 one-on-ones and a group date. No rose ceremony.

Colton gets the first 1:1 and he's got to share the news that he's a virgin. I'm almost surprised that this didn't come up earlier in the season. But I suppose it speaks to the double standards for male sexuality vs. female sexuality (and a touch of ageism). When a girl is a virgin, she tends to share it early in the season and it's often seen as a good thing, but Colton is self-conscious and admits that in the past, he evaded questions about it or lied. I'm sure he felt like he had to in macho locker room settings--especially with playing professional football.  Nonetheless, it seems like a sorta big thing to drop this late in the game, no?

Their date is a day canoodling on a catamaran (rich people word for "big boat"), making out while precariously perched on the bow of said boat, and going conch shell fishing which looks like a LOT of work.  Their conch shell expert is a friendly guy need Action Pack and he is FULL of sexual jokes about the conch shell as an aphrodisiac. Oh Producers--we see your fingerprints all over the virgin's date.

Can we talk about Becca's bikini!? A cute orange hue with such an interesting neckline! It was like the neckline of a fancy, off-the-shoulder dress, yet it was a bikini! The best of both worlds, man!  I discovered a website that hunts down your favorite reality TV clothes and oh man my bank account will never be the same.  They have a whole write-up about this orange bikini here

Isn't it such a cute bikini?
Even if the model on the right looks like a dead body propped upright--it's still a cool neckline! 

That night Colton rocks a pink button down and Becca looks lovely in a sparkly cocktail dress with a panel down the cleavage. They toast and begin discussing hometown dates and family and Colton finally says that he has something to say. HOO BOY it seemed like Becca was bracing herself for hearing about a long lost set of kids that he had stowed away somewhere.

Colton talks about how, for so long he focused on Football Colton and not Personal Colton and somehow, Football Colton never got his dick wet (and neither did Personal Colton).  Is that too crass? I'm sorry. Colton's a virgin and I don't know if I have ever met a former professional sports guy who is like, "yeah, that career really hindered my ability to get laid," ya know?  But he has a good explanation: he wasn't waiting for marriage, he was waiting for the right heart. Over the years he lied about it or had shame about being a virgin, but it's part of who he is, yada yada yada, I'm proud of who I am and now that I'm 26 and a virgin, why throw it away?  I get that, I suppose. But also, I'm a believe in the idea of "don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it."

EITHER WAY, Becca hears his big reveal, then WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND LEAVE HIM ALONE THERE. HUH!?!?? Arie did that to Lauren during their season and I find it SO unnatural and odd that I think it MUST be something that the Producers told them to do in order to build tension? And make for awkward shots of the person alone and the Bachelor/Bachelorette staring off and processing this supposed bombshell?  She eventually  returns to the table and they awkwardly continue their conversation. He says that his virginity is a gift that he wants to give someone, which I suppose is nice to hear from a guy because I remember when I was a kid and my childhood friend's mother said that (BUT ONLY ABOUT VIRGINITY BEING A GIFT THAT WOMEN GAVE MEN) so I guess, score one for progress in that respect.  Colton gets a rose and Becca will be meeting his family and, heck, maybe taking him to the fantasy suite to test drive it before she buys it.

Up next is Garrett who got the first impression rose all those weeks back when we were young and life was simple (May). Becca is in a sorta shirt dress thing and Garrett is in a striped button down and shorts and he RUNS to her, which I can dig. Good effort and attitude, kiddo.

They hop in a Sea Plane and drink bubbly (that can't be legal, can it?), cruise around the turquoise waters, and buzz the dude's hotel patio for shits and gigs. The plane lands near an empty island where Becca and Garrett strip down for a picnic, a make-out, and of course, more drinks.

They talk about how Garrett has managed to keep his sanity throughout this mind fuck of a dating process. Garrett claims that he doesn't get down or discouraged then moments later says that there have been a few times in his life when he has gotten discouraged, but he can count them on 2 fingers (so, you're saying, like, 2 times?). All these dudes have been reading too many Hallmark cards because their comments feel so corny--especially Garrett's line, "I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, the world's not perfect--but we can be perfect together." Oh man. Stop. Becca knows that there is "physical chemistry" there, but can Garrett go deeper? I wondered--they seem to get along well and enjoy smiling together, making out, but does Garrett offer much intellectually?

Becca somehow decides that yes, there is something more from Garrett, and she seems to get that assurance based on a conversation about how they have both been engaged and disappointed by a partner. Join the club, kiddos. I'm still not sure that Garrett has much to offer as far as ideas, excitement, conversation, debate, but Becca's into it.

For their evening date, Becca rocks a stunning white dress with interesting neckline (so many great necklines this season, girl!) with her hair back (super cute! She should rock that more often), a sweet little choker thing and a smokey eye, while Garrett's in a black button down. They have their chat about both of them going through heartbreak, Garrett scores the rose, and then STRIP DOWN for a HOT make-out in the ocean!

If you are a member of Bachelor Nation, you know what a late night swim in the ocean means: no microphones out there, cameras gotta stay on water so you have some privacy, and thanks to Juan Pablo's season, "going swimming at night" is shorthand for "having sex in the ocean." I was wondering that as Donald Trump's disgusting face was shoved in my face and The Bachelorette was tragically disrupted by his announcement of yet ANOTHER old, conservative white guy who he nominated for the Supreme Court.  I can't even.

Back to the only thing that my heart can handle right now: THE BACHELORETTE.

The final 1:1 date goes to smiley Blake who has been falling apart all week.  The other guys posit that Blake needs to catch up a bit--he started strong with Becca but seems to have lost some momentum.  Typical experience of an early 1:1 guy, ya know? 

For their date, Becca rocks a red tank top tied up to show her belly, dark army green pants, and Blake is in a pink T-shirt (meh) and shorts.  The Bachelor franchise continues its tradition of calling washed up musical acts to appear on the show and this time it's the BAHA MEN!!! 

Oh man, is there a worse idea for a song than a melody that features the sounds of barking dogs set to a crappy rhythm?  No, there is not.  Becca and Blake join in on the dance party and WOW Blake dances weird.  And too much.  I shouldn't hate because hey, dancing is recreation for everyone and there's no wrong way to do it, but WOW I was fearful that Blake might injure a Baja Man fan on that dance floor--dude had NO control of his body.  Yikes.  

After gentrifying the stage, Blake and Becs mercifully wander off to an empty beach to talk about insecurities and make-out.  Becca says that she feels for Pasty Snooze Arie's predicament because you really CAN fall in love with multiple people at one time which is certainly NOT what your boyfriend wants to hear.  

That night, Blake shows off his version of formalwear which is a short-sleeved, white button-down buttoned all the way up, which makes him look like a sort of Cholo/Martin Short nerd character hybrid.  What I'm saying is, dude, stop choking yourself with that damn collar! 

Becca is in a casual, blue sundress with dangly earrings and, over liquid dinner, they discuss small town life and how much it sucks.  AMEN!  Blake explains that his family is extremely unemotional, they don't talk about issues or problems but just ignore them and I can't believe this guy isn't a WASP!  Then again, maybe he is--his name is Blake, after all. Either way, Blake tells all of America that his mother cheated on his father with his basketball coach/English teacher. WOOOOW. Hooo boy I hope your mom is cool with your spilling these beans!  Then again, it sounds like they were already spilled all over your hellscape hometown, Blake! Becca remarks that Blake always claims it's hard for him to open up, yet he's the most open of ANY of the guys!  I feel like these claims that "it's hard for me to open up because I have been hurt before" are so often just posturing to make the guy feel more like Dylan McKay or some other loner, rolling stone character, ya know?  

Blake says, "Becca, I am in love with you," they make our HARD and Blake gets a rose.  She's excited to meet Blake's family (word to the wise: don't bring up the infidelity!!!!) and she says, "my heart recognizes his heart" which is so damn cute it gave me warm fuzzies. 

They walk out and do a classic wall make-out as we hear voice over of Becca saying,  "I want to tell him that I'm in love with him" which is a RED FLAG, BACHELOR NATION!  This feels like what we have seen so many times in the past where the Producers edit the footage to make Blake look like the shoe-in, which means he will definitely NOT win and will get his world RUINED. I can't wait to watch! 

The next day is group date time and Leo (man bun), Wills (loves patterned fabric more than any other power clasher I have met), and Jason (who my friend Jenn met a wedding last weekend!). 

CHECK IT OUT! It's New York City comedian Jenn Wehrung with a man who is either engaged to a gorgeous gal named Becca OR smiling through the heartbreak of knowing that America is about to watch him get DUMPED on television! 

LEO!? What is going on here!!!??!

Jason is looking like he's about to attend Puffy's infamous white party. Leo is in Nantucket Red shorts (aka Salmon color) and a blue T-shirt, and Wills is rocking a patterned tank top and dark shorts.  Beccca is wearing her best outfit of the season: white, jean daisy dukes, a tiny white jean jacket, a yellow tank top, and underneath it all, a WHITE BIKINI!! PRAISE GOD!  This is a KILLER look and it gives more press to an underserved community of which I am a member: WHITE BIKINI WEARERS!!! 

The grew plays volleyball and the teams are Jason and Becca vs. Leo and Wills, which was some not-so-subtle foreshadowing. 

Jason and Becca talk and she tells him that he's pretty unemotional, unenthusiastic, which I can sorta see but also, mere moments about he LEPT from a moving boat to SPRING through waves into your arms, so maybe cut the dude some slack?

Becca and Wills talk and it is a SOLID conversation, so you know he's being sent home.  

Becca and Leo talk and sweet Leo says that he knows he's different from the other guys (aww dude--you're just as weird as the rest--trust me!), he knows he's a LOT to take (stop stealing my lines, Leo!), and that he speaks only in truth.  The audio mixers must have had a tough time b/c it sounded like they were seated on top of a crashing wave and Becca tells Leo that they simply aren't as far along as the other relationships, so with that she sends him home.  

We see footage of Leo roaming the surf alone and I just hope that dude didn't fill his pockets with rocks for a suicide, Virginia Woolf-style, ya know? 

That night is a 2-on-1 date between Wills (now in yet another patterned shirt because this Patterned Party Bus stops for NO ONE!), Jason (looking like it's casual Friday at the Alamo Rent A Car where he works) and Becca (in a pinkish/whitish dress with yet another KILLER neckline--her style is amazing).  She has alone time with each guy and her alone time with Jason feels flat, while her conversation with Wills is emotional, dynamic, exciting, interesting, so you know Wills is about to walk the plank. 

They all reconvene at the table and Becca gives the rose to Jason, then walks Will to the car and says goodbye with remarkable efficiency and calmness.  In the car, Wills says, "it's hard to give someone your heart and have them say, 'no thank you'" which made me laugh because that's my catchphrase (well, one of my many catchphrases).  

Becca walks back to Jason, they make out hard, and he is giddy because she's heading to BUFFALO (she's not as giddy, understandably).  

Next week we witness the hometown dates and it seems like these parents are NOT HAVING IT, though I'm sure that in time, they will be miraculously convinced of the prudence of meeting your soul mate on a reality TV dating show.  Stay tuned! 

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