Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Bachelorette Becca: Ep 9: Fantasy Suites aka Pound Town aka Bone Zone aka Hump City: Population 2

Yo yo yo!

Monday night was the infamous Fantasy Suite episode of this season of The Bachelorette aka Test Drive it Before You Take it Off the Lot (if you know what I mean wink wink wink).  It's the episode in which ABC airs primetime coverage of a lucky lady humping down 3 dudes in 3 nights--like a sex version of Hannukah, but for fewer nights.  Did Becca run out of (body) oil over those 3 crazy nights? We'll soon find out...

Becca and her trio of fuck buddies are all in Thailand and Becca kicks things off by informing us that she is IN LOVE with 2 guys, and falling in love with a 3rd.  If you have been paying ANY attention at all this season, you know that the underdog is Jason.  A buffalo wing eating contest just can't make up for connections made early in the season, no matter how good your hair is. 

She maps out her questions for the Week In Sex:
-can Garrett "challenge" her? (read: he's a simpleton and not very bright--will that eventually get annoying?)
-can Jason catch up to the other guys? (answer: no)
-can Blake win the whole damn thing (answer: seemingly, yes, if his own insecurity and jealousy don't eat him alive before he can get down on one knee)

Blake gets the first 1:1 and the couple walks up Monk's Trail and gets to a threshold after which they cannot kiss or TOUCH!  They seemed to be attempting to "accidentally" touch wrists as they walked up uneven terrain, which was very cute and made me curious about super chaste dating. Could all of that repression somehow be fun? Could we all stand to set some stricter boundaries with regards to touching, in order to elicit a later payoff that will be super hot? And, finally, am I talking like goddamn Carrie Bradshaw right now?

They walk up to a temple where they are lead in by a young monk and they are blessed by an older monk.  The younger monk translates for the younger monk (TYPICAL! Vice President level fat cats never have to do the work--I bet that younger monk is a damn intern--JK JK!) and says that there are 4 things a couple needs to have a strong house/home/foundation: honesty, adaptation/adjustment, patience, giving/generosity. 

Woa woa woa—is The Bachelorette imparting some ACTUAL lessons on how to have a good relationship!? HUH??!?! Who hijacked my favorite TV show!? I want TRASHBAGS fighting TRASHBAGS over inconsequential issues and inevitably picking the wrong partner! This is NOT what I signed on for!!

After these lessons, Becca and Blake bring an Anita Ford hit song to life and ring a bell (HEYO! I love disco music and I don't care who knows it!), disparage Arie (please do so at least 3x per episode or I will DIIIIIIE), and change for night time hang out (aka their trip down SEX LANE if you're picking up what I'm putting down). 

That night, Becca rocks a cute, summery, low cut white dress and metallic heels (yezzz plzzzz), Blake is in a black button down (his uniform), and the talk about heartbreak, being in your head, jealousy, being in love with multiple people at once, and Blake's super cute tendency to look for a reason to STAY, not a reason to GO. Oh man.

They make out hard and then read the infamous note that invites them to "forego their individual rooms" for a night in Sex City, USA! Or rather, Sex City, Thailand!!!  When confronted with this option, Blake says, "ummmm YAH" which made me laugh.

They close the door on the camera and then we watch them cuddle the next morning and can we all agree that Blake's body was a LOT better than we were expecting!? I was impressed. Nice little lower back thing going on, dude.  They hug goodbye and Becca scurries home to wash Blake off of her because Jason is on his way!

Jason rolls up in a white, short sleeved button down, grey shorts, sneakers, and his signature Wall Street monster-style slicked back hair. Becca looks super cute in a matching polka dot top and skirt, plus wedges.  They walk around a Sunday market, eat crickets, watch local women perform a beautifully choreographed dance in the street (and JOIN IN because AMERICA!!!!), then head into a temple to explore. As they exit the temple, Becca makes an offhand comment about a future apartment and FREAKS HERSELF OUT. It seemed like she was just talking about HIS current apartment, but she seemed to think she made some grand proclamation about THEIR FUTURE HOME or something, so she freaked out, began breathing heavily, and needed to go hyperventilate to a producer, leaving poor Jason to sit on the steps of a temple alone.

Throughout the season, Becca has repeatedly walked off during moments of high stress and tension and while I suppose I appreciate the stress that she must be enduring and attempting to manage, this move REALLY disrespects the other person. It leaves them ALONE, completely clueless as to what is happening, and perhaps feeling like they are being mocked. Just me?

We watch Becca breathe and freak out, hold up her hair, and say that she feels weird, she's freaking out. Bachelor Nation gets ZERO resolution for that one (and neither does Jason, I guess?) since we cut straight to them at nighttime meeting up for "dinner" (beer). Jason looks fantastic--black shirt, light pants, nice shoes, sweet tan.  Becca looks beautiful in a dark blue maxi dress with large floral pattern, hair parted in the middle and half up/half down, lovely jewelry.

They catch up on how things went during her hometown date (interesting move: focus on the past if you need to muddle through an event with a guy that you don't see a future with), his feelings, and her head being "all over the place." She AGAIN, asks to leave and have a moment to herself and again, Jason graciously obliges.

She returns and explains that this is brutally hard but she can't put him through an overnight if it's not 100% there.  He gracefully pushes for the overnight (YEEEEAH BOOOOY), saying that this experience (this JOURNEY, one might say) is about pushing boundaries and seeing/learning if perhaps "it" IS indeed there. Basically, dude is a GOOD LAY and thinks that his fuck skills can turn this boat around.  Becca isn't having it, though—she explains that she sees a future more with the other men, that she feels awful for blindsiding him, and that she wants him to be happy.  He also wants HER to be HAPPY (OMG this is the cutest, most respectful breakup I have seen since my ex Jack and I high fived each other once we completed our breakup talk). It all happens very quickly—Jason is wise to save face by just getting out of there ASAP. After all, what "resolution" do you get from hearing someone repeatedly say that they just don't like you enough? Sometimes you just gotta bounce, not embarrass yourself too much, and know that your heart starts healing with every step you take away from this person. Am I an expert in getting over a breakup or what!?

Once she's alone (well, "alone" with a camera crew, segment producer, a handful of PAs), Becca has a dramatic meltdown of moaning, crying, and claiming "I just did to him what Arie did to me" which didn't make much sense to me and my Bachelor Nation Crew. She just dumped him—it's too bad, but it happens. She didn't propose then reach out to an ex to know she had a safe place to land, then rescind the proposal, then dump him but act too chicken to SAY THE WORDS so she made HIM say them, then refuse to leave his home. She did NOT pull an Arie at all!

The next day was Becca's date with Garrett and mercifully, she was able to smile through it, straddle jump on his tight body, and laugh as Thai citizens splashed her with river water.  Garrett and Becca's date was to go upright rafting down a river but it was a Thai national holiday, so that river was PACKED!

Thai families were all over celebrating, swimming, rafting, splashing, drinking, and eating. The pair got caught in a raft traffic jam that looked like a less colorful version of this:

After they had their fill of rafting and staring at a baby elephant, Becca and Garrett rubbed feet and talked about their relationship. Garrett is sweet, but, like Becca, I wonder, does she "challenge" him at all? Can they have REAL talks about REAL issues?  

That night, Becca rocked a look that was straight out of the Express catalogue circa 1996: a white, lacey button down with a BIG collar (I legit owned that shirt in black), a white skirt, hair in a loose bun—it was a good look, if a bit dated.  Garrett was in his legally required black, short sleeved button down, plus tan pants and sneakers.  On pillows placed in a lovely campsite, they discussed his fears of getting divorced again, the fact that his career (medical sales) can go anywhere, his shock that it has all worked out so well, and their shared feelings of happiness. Then it's time for Chris Harrison to encourage them to hump down (via greeting card), and before you know it, they are climbing up into a treehouse for a sky high hump! 
When the tree house is rocking, don't come a knocking!
The next morning, they enjoy breakfast in the treehouse before Becca wanders off in tiny, white shorts, a teeny white tank top, and a little umbrella because it was starting to rain and she was about to turn into a walking wet T-shirt contest.  

Becca is recovering from 2 Humps in 2 Nights (sounds like the latest Fast & Furious movie) when Jason appears at her hotel room door seeking closure.  Normally I am NOT a proponent of seeking closure from the person who dumped you. Closure is a gift you give yourself and it's never wise to put your own ability to move forward/get over a breakup into the hands of anyone else. As an old flame of mine (Kevin—one of 3 Kevins I have dated) once told me, "look, I can't help YOU get over ME" and he's right—what helped me get over Kevin was watching him fail in his comedy career, marry a super basic, boring chick, and move to LA to start being a PA at age 40. Boy oh BOY did that all help me get over him.

But I digress!  Jason shows up not to change Becca's mind (bless) but to thank her for everything she gave him (double bless, you handsome hockey boi), say goodbye, and give her a gift that he made for her.


What a way to go out.  Now THAT feels like the opening bid to become the next Bachelor and I aint mad at it! Jason leaves and Becca thumbs through the photo album, saying "the world needs more Jasons." Amen. 

At this point, a rose ceremony is unnecessary so what's up next? 


Becca is in a red, off-the-shoulder cocktail dress and heels.  Blake looks like a young Channing Tatum showing up for a casual dance audition in a black shirt and Garrett is in a white shirt, no doubt so that we can tell them apart since Becca's type is "bland white guys with dark hair."  It's hard to differentiate one from another. 

Becca gets in position and the guys are lined up, waiting for Jason.  She tells them that she already killed Jason (JK JK she explains that she sent him home) and gives out the roses—first one goes to Garrett, 2nd one goes to Blake (and you KNOW Blake is developing a major complex about that), and Garrett is inspired enough to propose a toast all about HIS love with Becca and their shared love. Blake is SPIRALING and you can see it in his floppy head. Poor guy. 

Next week is the beloved Men Tell all episode when every dude looks ten times better than they have ever looked on TV (now that they see how much the camera truly DOES add 15-20 pounds).  I'm excited to see our old pals: Clay, Wills, Jordan, and psychotic Chris.  

Then the week after that is the 3 hour LIVE FINALE!  Blake and Garrett will be meeting Becca's family, their will be final dates, and one man's world will be DECIMATED while we eat popcorn adn watch. 

I'll be hosting a watch party at QED in Astoria for the finale, so come on out!! 

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