Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 4 Recap

We're down to lucky 13 dudes and this week's theme is like a combination of that DOPE song by Bruce Springsteen ("Meet Me Tonight in Atlantic City") and that episode of Sex & the City when the ladies take a road trip and Charlotte dresses like a white trash sluuuuuut, Samantha's expectation that Richard will cheat on her gets the best of her, Carrie eats a bunch of salt water taffy and has unruly curls, and Miranda... oh man I can't remember, but she probably does something wildly boring OR she finally lets loose.  Either way, it was Bachelorette party time in AC, baby!  ATLANTIC CITY!

The first 1:1 date goes to Brad (has a kid and a lil' bit of a criminal record but it's TOTALLY NOT HIS FAULT, guys! Those domestic violence charges were bogus!) and the note says "let's let our love shine through" so you know what that means?  Chilling in a lighthouse!  But first, Desiree and Brad tackle a montage's worth of requisite boardwalk date activities: they ride a slingshot nightmare trap thing, they ride a rollercoaster, they walk along the boardwalk, and generally engage in enough activities to hide the fact that Brad is boring and Desiree is a poor man's Katie Holmes without even the (minimal) personality of friggin' Katie Holmes.  They bust into a candy factory (what is this, a bland version of "I Love Lucy"?) and I'm sure the staff is THRILLED that these two lovebirds are NOT wearing regulation hair nets while they snatch chocolate candies right off the conveyor belt.  Do what you want, jags!  Brad and Des enjoy cocktails by a ridiculous sandcastle (see below) but Brad's "personality" just doesn't exist, so Des dumps his baby daddy ass at the top of a lighthouse.  Brad walks back down the stairs alone and then cries.  Peace out, pussycat.

(Yes, I still use an old school cathode ray tube style TV--what's it to you!?!??!?!!??!)

Up next is a group date and the posse is Brooks (SO effeminate STILL!), Bryden (Operation: I-Sexy Freedom), Zack K (Chuck Taylors), Kasey (#PleaseShutYourFace), Drew (squeaky clean hottie), Juan Pablo (Foreigner is a rad band and this dude is a hot foreigner), Zak W (his existence is a friggity JOKE!), Mikey (hell yes I LOVE YOU FOREVER my sweet meatball), Michael (Chunky Swayze lookin' good), Chris (he's growing on me), and Ben (lawdy lawdy the worst guy ever--get a SINGLE angular feature, wouldja?).  They report to downtown AC and learn that they will be participating in a Mr. America pageant in front of a live audience!  They're in good hands, though: they will be trained by a hot blonde (what what) who is the present Miss. America (of course she is--BLONDES RULE!) and a lovely, uber gay pageant coach guy.  The dudes practice for the assorted challenges: interview, talent, and swimsuit.  Perhaps they were feeling inspired by their gay pageant coach because most of the guys went for VERY effeminate talents: dancing, baton twirling, and general high heel wearing for no reason (Chris).  In the interview portion we learn that Juan Pablo has a daughter (odd time to drop that tidbit, JP) and that Mikey T wants the world to know that he's a sensitive guy deep down (how about you keep that to yourself and just keep showing off your tats, mmmmK?).  Ben performs a ribbon dance (what is this, Get In Shape, Girl?), Drew recites the most cliched Shakeapeare scene ever (friggin' Romeo & Juliet), Bryden thrusts his junk directly into the face of Atlantic City's mayor (one of the judges), and Zak W (aka Andy from "The Office") plays a heartfelt love song on the guitar.  At the end of it all, Kasey (hashtag tool) wins the contest and the prize is nothing--CONGRATS, KASEY! #EatShit

At the Mr. America after party, pretty standard stuff goes down: Ben reminds America that he's not here to make friends, all the other guys stew over how much they hate him, Zak W remains clueless about how much is too much and serenades Desiree further.  At the end of it all, Desiree decides to give ZAK W. the rose and BLOWS MY MIND!  Talk about a pity rose for a guy who she thinks is "just a super NICE guy!"  Blech.

The final date is a 1:1 between Desiree and James (The Don) during which they witness the devastation that Hurricane Sandy wrought all over New Jersey.  It was pretty sad to look at all of those destroyed homes, but that didn't stop James from being wicked handsy with Des.  They took a walking tour of Seaside Heights with a woman from the Red Cross and even met a sweet couple (Manny & Jan) whose home was wrecked by Sandy.  Desiree and James gave that couple their romantic date (of COURSE they did!) and the couple went off for a lovely dinner in AC while Des and James ate at a pizza place nearby.  During dinner, James admitted that he had cheated on his ex-girlfriend and gave himself a LOT of credit for experiencing a broken heart (of his own doing? Huh?) from that situation.  They met back up with Manny and Jan and the two couples headed into a ballroom to see a performance by country music's newest "hit", Darius Rucker!  Yes, the dude from Hootie & the Blowfish--I KNOW!  Oh man I want to give him a chance, but I don't know.  I love me some country, but Darius Rucker?  Seriously?  Manny and Jan slow dance to Darius Rucker like they've heard of him while Desiree gives James a rose.  Both couples end up on the dance floor and do a little "keys in the bowl switcheroo" (not quite, but how NUTS would that have been?) and Manny dances with Des while Jan dances with The Don.  Intergenerational mixing & mingling!

Finally, it's almost rose ceremony time and the group of 12 dudes (since Brad got the Heisman) will be pared down to (this one goes to) 11 by night's end.  Bryden is having doubts, which the producers are LOVING. During cocktail hour, Chunky Swayze trots out a corny game using the letters of Desiree's name to describe Desiree (have you been getting dating tips from a 5th grader, buddy?) and Bryden admits that he's been struggling.  Dude, if you can make it through serving in Iraq, you can survive sharing a house with a gang of losers (lead by Ben & Kasey).

It's rose ceremony time at long last!  The Don has a rose and somehow, so does Zak W, so who else scores flowers?
-Chris (pasty poet who used to play pro baseball)
-Brooks (seriously? Dude is a 2nd runner up to Zak W in the anti-sexy category)
-Juan Pablo (I've been waiting for a girl like you.... FOREIGNER IS A GREAT BAND!)
-Drew (dude said both "banana hammock" and "Tom Foolery" this episode, so I'm digging his style)
-Michael (Chunky Swayze finally made out with Des this week! Nice work!)
-Ben (your face is what we call "fat skinny" and I want to roundhouse kick it)
-Kasey (they don't grow 'em much more annoying than that hashtag expert)
-Bryden (the producers did some tricky editing to make it seem like Bryden almost negged the rose--yikes!)
-Mikey T (last and DEFINITELY NOT LEAST!  I think he's not Desiree's type, but lawdy LAWDY he's my type.  Macho, tattooed, kind of a simpleton--matchmaker, matchmaker you made Selena a match!)

Who's hitching a ride on the S.S. Self Doubt without a life jacket?  Zack K, a guy who never revealed much personality and we knew only as "Chuck Taylors" on this here blog.  I'm sure he was nice, blah blah blah, and I'm sure that Zak W. is thrilled that he's not the last Zak standing.  The Zack attack is over and somehow the bigger tool came out on top.  Ahh love, am I right?

Next Monday's episode take the harem to Munich, Germany.  I'm just praying we see Mikey T. in some tight leiderhosen.  What did you think of this episode?  Do you hate Ben as much as I do?  Am I overly harsh on Kasey?  Please feel free to comment!

Bachelorette Emily Recap: Episode 9

Last night Emily and the three remaining suitors (Sean, Jef, and Arie) traveled to Curacao, an island named after the cocktail ingredient "blue curacao," or vice versa.  The ‘ole chicken-or-egg phenomenon, right folks?  Either way, it’s a Dutch colony where Arie’s mom can’t talk shit about women in front of their faces (because those Curacao natives know Dutch, I’m guessing), but where Joran Van der Sloot could probably get away with murder.  Getting topical with a 2005 news reference right off the top!  Here we go!  Tip tops!  I own a pair of grey high tops!  Let’s get into it!

The episode kicks off with a whole lotta B roll of Emily walking on the beautiful beaches of Curacao, enjoying nature, and writing in the sand.  She uses a stick to write in the sand, “Emily + ?” but then a wave washes away the “+ ?” part, just like the producers had hoped.  Investing in that wave machine finally paid off for ABC! 

Date #1 is with blonde, southern gentleman Sean and he’s the only one who hasn’t yet said “I love you” to Emily.  This is a sticking point for Emily and she’s hoping that he’ll sack up and say those words during this date. They sit on the beach and talk about their hometown date in Dallas with Sean's family.  Emily inquires about a past relationship and Sean admits that he had a long-term girlfriend who he didn’t really like, but he stayed in the relationship and knowingly phoned it in.  Blech.  That’s such a turn-off to me and you can tell from Emily’s facial expression that it’s a turn-off to her, too (she and I have so much in common!  We should be besties so that I can go to her colorist because Emily’s hair color is PERFECTION).  Sean and Emily go snorkeling and then have a romantic dinner that evening, but I can already see the writing on the wall.  Finally, over dinner Sean says that he has fallen in love with Emily and he reads her a letter that he has written to Ricki.  It’s all very sweet and Emily seems pleased at his confession of love, but Sean can’t change the fact he’s just hot cheese.  I liken him to raclette, which is a Swiss hot cheese meal (similar to fondue).  Sure, Sean is hot and has a sick body, but he’s just flat and kinda cheesy.  Emily isn’t into that—she needs an edge.  At the end of the date, Sean reads the card (from Chris Harrison) that invites Emily and Sean to visit the fantasy suite and spend the night together.  They go to the suite, but just swim in the jacuzzi and then call it a night separately.  This is LEGIT unprecedented in Bachelor/Bachelorette history.  I give Emily a TON of credit for bucking the trend. 

Date #2 is with Jef, whose hair is like a poor man's Robyn pompadour.       

Since Jef has weird hair, Emily feels comfortable having weird hair around him, so she rocks a side braid during their date.  Stuff is getting crazy!  Jef and Emily cruise around on a boat that resembles a skinny tug boat and talk about Jef's parents, who suddenly give a rat's about their son's life.  Nice!  Apparently NOW they want to meet Emily!  Yeah, maybe you should meet your son's potential fiancee, ya think?  Apparently Jef just took 9th grade essay writing, as he busts out metaphors like crazy, comparing their relationship to an abstract masterpiece and talking about the sunset in Curacao being the sunrise of their relationship.  Emily and Jef jump off a bunch of rocks into the water and Emily holds her nose and clutches her boobs every time--hilarious.  That evening, they have a romantic dinner and talk about some important issues of where they might live, their dating history, etc.  Emily wears a gorgeous, turquoise ring while Jef explains that he wouldn't change a thing about their courtship because it led them to this (and in saying that, he unintentionally quotes a Darius Rucker country song, "This."  Yes, Darius Rucker--the former lead singer of Hootie & the Blowfish--is now a country singer whose songs all sound the same and yes, I'm wildly ashamed that I'm familiar with his repertoire).  Jef reads the fantasy suite card and makes the respectable call to opt out, saying that his and Emily's families will be watching the show and he doesn't want to set a bad example.  Holy crypes these people are functional and respectable--WTF!?!?  Jef goes so far so say that this is a time to "bridle these passions" and I'm wondering what country western book he pulled that out of.  Seriously, who talks like that?  

Date #3 goes to Arie and it's a day of swimming with dolphins and TONS OF MAKING OUT.  Seriously--Arie must be a hella good kisser because Emily can't keep her tongue out of his mouth and he's NOT hot.  Yeah, I said it--who wants to fight?  There's undeniable chemistry between Emily and Arie, though, so I'll let those crazy lovebirds do what they want (unlike other types of birds such as pigeons, who should do what I want and DIE).  After a long day of tonsil hockey (field and ice), Emily and Arie have dinner and discuss life "after this" and how Arie would get along with Ricki.  Emily decides not to give Arie the fantasy suite card at all because she doesn't trust herself, so they make out more and say goodnight.  3 for 3 with no monkey business!  Mad props to Emily for not shaming her family (more than she already has) with the suggestion of random humps on network TV!    

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and Emily's rocking a grey wife beater, a few cool necklaces, a funky, rad silver skirt, and a slicked ponytail.  My pal Michelle Boncek and I both wish she'd done hair down, but what do we know.  Sometimes you have to mix it up.  As my best friend Suzanne and I say, you can't always look your best and be in your favorite outfit.  Sometimes you need to change it up and try new looks and styles.  (Yes, we have developed sayings that help us through the trials of life, such as days when you're stuck wearing an outfit that you don't adore.  LIFE IS HARD.)   

The trio of suitors arrive at the rose ceremony location as Emily watches their video messages to her.  Emily is understandably weepy and anxious about this rose ceremony.  She starts handing out the roses and here's how it goes: 

Jef (lucky pomadour) 

Arie (his make-out skills are keeping him in the game) 

Poor Sean is going home, but he handles it gracefully.   He's really calm, he doesn't cry, and he doesn't freak out at all.  In short, he's the anti-Chris (from last week's rejection).  So now it's down to Jef and Arie, who will meet Emily's entire family in the final showdown.  

But before that, this one's for you, Sean: