Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 4: Clint's Got the Vill Communication (and a Shiny Dome)

This week I'm again late with this recap and as usual, it's because I had a show on Monday night and too much going on and a few balls in the air and I'M SO EXCITED, I'M SO EXCITED, I'M SO.... SCARED? [BLACKOUT]

Last week's episode didn't end with a rose ceremony because Kupah was busy throwing a temper tantrum in the driveway while that ABC producer who looks like Krusty the Known tried to calm him down. Kaitlyn finally went outside and told him that he had to just accept it and move on (she's a Canadian Dr. Phil!) and after a while, he did.  He got into a van with drink in hand (much like my favorite character in the Trailer Park Boys) and buckled up for a long, drunken van ride back to Kickassachusetts.
Am I Kupah leaving the Bachelorette mansion or am I Julian from
The Trailer Park Boys? Either way, I've always got a drink in my hand. 
Once Kupah has left, it's time for a rose ceremony and poor Kaitlyn must be exhausted.  She eliminates two guys who failed to make a big impression.  How does the rose ceremony go down?  JJ and Clint have matching roses (more on that "Brokeback Bromance" later) and the other guys who score flowers are:
-Jared - he's back from his hospital trip with a faint black eye and a story that the gang back at the Warwick Applebee's will NEVER believe!
-Ben H. – dark haired guy who resembles a psycho douche
-Shawn – blonde trainer (who ISN'T a trainer in this crew?), pretty bland
-Jonathan – if Color Me Badd joined Miami Vice, it would be Jonathan
-Tanner – pointy nose guy who MUST have a personality in there, right?
-Chris – Cupcake dentist dweeb
-Ryan – Amazing what a pair of glasses can do, huh? Suddenly I like this guy!
-Justin – Not to be harsh... but... he's a dummy with a thumb for a face.
-Joshua – redheaded cutie engineer
-Joe – squished face
-Cory E. – hot Rick Perry
-Tony - the bizarro "healer" who laments that he left his beloved bonsai trees at home.
So drunk face Daniel (fashion guy) and Cory (TX?) are heading home. Bye, boyz.

The next day Clint, Chris Cupcake, Healer Tony, JJ, Joe, and Shawn have a group date and the activity is sumo wrestling.  The dudes roll around while wearing man diapers and Joe shows off a nut.      Tony may be a weirdo "healer" but I gotta admit that he looks good with his shirt off and sunglasses on.  He hates the challenge, though, telling Kaitlyn that he doesn't enjoy the forced aggression (kinda good call, but dude, it's reality TV) and reminding her that he has "the heart of a warrior, spirit of a gypsy" and that he "views the world through the eyes of a child."  Could you ease up on the Hallmark proclamations, buddy?  Not surprisingly, he packs up his bag and leaves the Bachelor Mansion to see his precious bonsai trees.  He dons a baja for the big trip and I shrieked--OF COURSE the guy who is a "professional healer" owns and wears a baja!!!  

The next day is a 1:1 date and while Ben Z. (brick shithouse hottie) and Kaitlyn clutch each other inside a haunted house, sparks fly between newfound best friends forever JJ and Clint back at the Bach house.  We learn that Kaitlyn is deathly afraid of birds (and yet she has big tattoos of birds on BOTH of her arms) and Ben Z. is afraid of snakes in bathrooms. After the terror date they adjourn to Kaitlyn's house where they talk about dead mothers and further fulfill gender roles.  During their dip in her jacuzzi, Kaitlyn offers Ben a rose and stabs the pin into his bare chest (JK. I wish. What's so scary about snakes in shitters NOW, Benny Boy?).  

The next group date is Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared, and Tanner and their super fun date activity is teaching Sex Ed to the precocious nightmare children of stage parents.  Joshua refers to a tampon as a "tampin" and call it "a little torpedo" then Ben H. makes a good impression by referring to himself as a sperm and Kaitlyn as an egg.  Somehow he scores a rose for that.  

Clint and JJ's homoerotic love affair continues thanks to a shared love of turtles.  They practice wrestling moves, spend time in the hot tub, and alienate every other guy in the house.  

Finally, it's time for another rose ceremony and the tension in the house is THICK as 13 guys tell Kaitlyn about Clint and JJ's odd behavior.  Before she learns that Clint is a shiny faced psychopath, he pulls her aside and lays it on thick (despite his admission that "Kaitlyn's not the girl for me") because he wants to stay in the house and hang out with his BFF, JJ.  Meanwhile, JJ's plugging forward because "she's The Bachelorette, she's the ultimate catch" (I appreciate your enthusiasm, kid, but please stop drinking the Kool Aid) and in his interview shots, he bears a striking resemblance to Steve Carrell in Foxcatcher, don't you think?  
Twins or BFFs? 
Clint and JJ enjoy a laugh at how Clint is manipulating Kaitlyn (which makes JJ a creepy accomplice who claims to be there with pure intentions) and Clint says "villains gotta vill" and then feels like it wasn't heard enough, so he REPEATS THE LINE.  Don't repeat your lame catchphrase, loser.  JJ calls the other 13 guys in the house "lemmings" and "JV croquet players" (is varsity croquet even a thing?).  Props to Kaitlyn for listening to these warnings and appreciating the honesty of the other guys in the house.  In The Bachelor, usually the lady who warns the Bachelor about a bad egg is NOT trusted and banished for daring to speak out. God bless The Bachelorette, huh?  So we're left without a rose ceremony but with the promise that next Monday's episode will be a DOOZY.  

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