Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 8: TEARS in Ireland

Monday night's episode of The Bachelorette found us back in Ireland and the recurring theme was TEARS. It was like Tears in Heaven, only not about a dead child but instead about a reality TV dating show that has gotten VERY INTENSE!  There were tears all over the joint: lots out of Kaitlyn (good waterproof mascara), off camera tears from Shawn, on-camera tears from weasel Nick (a real shocker!), and dramatic tears out of Chris the Cupcake. Things got heavy (and I'm not just talking about the type of dudes I like to date).

The show started with Shawn in a snug henley (his uniform) arriving at Kaitlyn's door to get more reassurance about her feelings.  Kaitlyn is anxious because she thinks that Nick spilled the beans of their "intimate night" (wink wink) to the guys.  He did NOT, but Shawn is still feeling insecure and needy.  Man, if he only KNEW just how insecure he COULD be feeling!

The next day is the infamous 2-on-1, a date from which 1 person usually returns, unless you're Farmer Chris and you drop BOTH ladies in the middle of the badlands (best Bach episode ever).  JJ (Former Investment Banker who has SOMEHOW stayed in the game this long) and Joe (whiskey loving hottie with a sorta squished face) are the participants and they are fired up.  JJ says that "today's the biggest day of my recent life" and I want to ask him if he considers the moment when his daughter was born (3 years ago) "recent" or not. For baby girl's sake, I hope not!  The trio has a picnic of drinks on the Isle of Skye and Joe finally opens up to Kaitlyn.  Joe has a calm and charming way about him and he reveals that he DOES feel a connection with Kaitlyn and he can't get enough of her. I don't think he'll be around much longer (too little, too late), but he's a good egg.  In his alone time with Kaitlyn, JJ reveals that he cheated on his ex-wife "3 years ago" (so, presumably when she was pregnant or had a newborn--way to go, Nightmare Guy). Wow. I can't believe that the "former investment banker's" big reveal isn't that he got busted for insider trading or liquidating some sweet school teacher's retirement funds!  The threesome sit together in the sunset and Kaitlyn wisely sends JJ home, saying that he should get back to his daughter.  Good move, girl.  I can only imagine what was going through JJ's head, "I just admitted to America that I cheated on my wife and ruined my marriage FOR NOTHING?"  Thems the breaks, loser.  Go look up Clint.  Kaitlyn and Joe sail off together and he scores a rose.

Back at the castle hotel that night, Shawn needs MORE reassurance and I really wish he'd stop showing up on Kaitlyn's doorstep. Like a quote that I read in the NYTimes this weekend and will now butcher--making moves is easy, standing still is hard.  Just CHILL OUT, bud.  Again, Kaitlyn is worried about how much Shawn knows and she need not be.  He's just been sitting in a hunched over position in a garden all damn day and night.  Apparently a few days ago she reassured him a bit TOO MUCH off camera (and gave him the impression that he's "the one") and now he's stunned that the show is continuing, it seems.  Buddy needs to get a clue.

It's time for a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn's rocking a sparkly ball gown with cut outs that's very Figure Skater Chic/Beyonce at the Met Gala.
Picture this, but in black and with brown hair worn
 down, plus lots of bronzer and that's Kaitlyn!
The only person who loves bronzer more than I do is Kaitlyn and she isn't afraid to show it.  Upon arrival at the cocktail party, Kaitlyn makes a cryptic speech about "making mistakes" and Nick seems nonchalant that she just called him a "mistake" to his face (love it), while narcissist Shawn thinks she's talking about him and he somehow turns ugly, to me.  Anyone else?

Has his face morphed or has his neediness
 just made him seem less hot?
Kaitlyn and Nick have some alone time during which she tells him in no uncertain terms to NOT SNITCH about HumpGate. Nick admits that he's nervous and he's been the overconfident guy who got his heartbroken before (cough--Andi--cough).  She has some good conversations but everyone is anxious and emotional--there are a whole lot of guys gripping their foreheads and the bridges of their noses. The tension is thick!

3 guys already have roses:
Nick (his rose was a gift when he entered Hump City, USA, population: 2), Joe (hard earned from the 2-on-1), and Jared (scored on group date last episode).  3 roses are up for grabs and 2 guys will be going home.

Who scored a flower?
Ben H. - a late bloomer and I'm surprised he's still around.
Chris Cupcake - nice guy, but too earnest and corny. Mama needs a lil edge.
Shawn - the final rose! Now please CALM DOWN and maybe she won't find you annoying.

Departing from STD Shack will be Tanner (all he offered was deadpan comic relief) and--it is with great sadness that I report this--Ben Z. Yes, hottie brick shithouse with great tattoos Ben Z. is going home, but the guy who rolled up inside a cupcake is still in the running. Am I taking crazy pills!?  With the departure of Ben Z., Ben H. now becomes simply "Ben." Congrats, jerky! You don't deserve it.

The next day the boys load up in a bus for a ride to Killarney and Jared is lucky enough to be invited to ride in Kaitlyn's car for the trip.  Way to go, Olive Garden!  Jared and Kaitlyn have a cute, natural dynamic and they make a few fun pit stops on the way, one of which is a journey to kiss the Blarney Stone, then kiss each other, and I wish that one had said "you taste like Blarney Stone" but you can't always get what you want.

I'm needy and I snore when I sleep--
what's not to love?
The bus of dudes rolls into town and corny Chris Cupcake says that this small town is what his soul looks like (please stop--I can't handle more dumb chills).  Chris Harrison arrives and shares some UNPRECEDENTED changes--there will be some off camera time between Kaitlyn and the guys, she will pare down the group from 6 to 3 toot suite, and 3 guys will get fantasy suite dates THEN she'll visit the hometowns of the final 2.  Woa!  What is going on here!? The formula is changing slightly but somehow it feels like a  cataclysmic shift!

Chris Cupcake scores the first date in this new paradigm and he seems thrilled, but oh Cupcake, this date aint going to have a sweet ending.  They hop in a helicopter and fly to the Cliffs of Moher for a picnic right on the edge during which Kaitlyn breaks down and ends things with Chris.  He seems stunned and leans his face SUPER CLOSE to hers, which I'm sure is really calming to her. Buh.  He kisses her forehead, they hug, and her dramatic exit feels like the last helicopter out of Siagon.  Chris is left to weep and speak to himself in 3rd person right by the edge of the cliff and I seriously thought he was going to fall or jump.  He did NOT fall or jump, but he did call her "a mess" and say that "she deserves a lifetime of happiness and I'm not sure she's ready to find that yet." Oh, she is, Cupcake--just not with a guy who she first locked eyes with while he was inside a bizarre pastry car.  Byyyyye. Good luck in the enamel biz.

Next week, Kaitlyn will tell the boys the whole truth (confess to HumpGate) and there will be more tears.  In honor of her upcoming confession, I leave you with this:


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  3. LOL, this is a great recap. I second Shawn "morphing" in that rose ceremony -- it was like when Voldemort's face flashes in Harry Potter. Also hilarious caption under the photo of him sleeping. I LOL'd. Thanks for adding some much needed funny commentary to this disappointingly dumb and drama-y season. I'm looking forward to Bach in Paradise so much <-- a really bad sign!

  4. Ohh that Usher clip is glorious. Truly, confessions were happening. It's bizarre how how Shawn seemed at first and now he just looks like a knot. And yes, Bachelor In Paradise is the light, mindless summer romp that I NEED! Apparently JJ will be there, since he's not busy being an investment banker anymore.