Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Ep 7: Totally 90s!

As Miranda said to Carrie in a memorable episode of Sex & the City, I’M LATE (with this recap).  My apologies, love bugs.  I’ve been strangely exhausted and sick for about 2 weeks now and that illness has been sucking my will to snark.

Thankfully, Ian successfully revived my will to talk shit.  Monday’s episode opened up with his diatribe AT Kaitlyn about how she’s a “surface level person” and how everyone on there seemed to be “on vacation from life.” Dating is supposed to be FUN, buddy.  This isn’t an LSAT Review course, it’s The Bachelorette. Loosen up, Princeton.  Cue up the Fiona Apple because Ian was hoping to meet a sad, sullen girl  (if only he had known me back when I was in high school! I was HELLA SULLEN.)

Finally, Ian stops talking and Kaitlyn calmly tells him that he is extremely rude and offensive and asks, “and you feel good about that?”  Ian The Letdown exits and tells the camera, “I went to Princeton, Deerfield—that’s what I have to offer.” And now you are the alumni laughing stock of TWO respected schools.  After all of his insistence that Kaitlyn’s suitors are “lames” and “not smart” and uncouth, Ian’s final words are “I need to have some sex!”  Don’t you just love a hypocrite with a gross balding pattern? 

Wise and wily Nick takes advantage of the situation and comforts Kaitlyn, telling her that he loves how much fun she is and that she can ALSO have real, in-depth conversations.  Nice move, Normcore Nick (name written by Tom Friedman).

After that, ABC serves up some foreshadowing with Kaitlyn saying that “intimacy is an important part of a relationship and I’m not afraid to say that.” Intimacy, HUH? What’s that I hear in the background—is that some R.  Kelly?

Up next is a rose ceremony at the Alamo and for 2 guys, this will be their last stand.  Nick, Ben H. and Shawn B already have roses, and Kaitlyn sends home Justin (most well known for being a simpleton) and Joseph (who dug his own grave last week).  Oh Joseph, the only thing worse than getting negged on TV is getting negged on TV with half a mohawk and then overhearing everyone celebrating while you cry into a TV camera. Bye bye, welder man.

Next stop: Dublin, Ireland!  Shawn B is PSYCHED because apparently he’s Irish, just not Irish enough to spell his name the Irish way (Sean).  Somehow, JJ and Tanner are still around and I’m convinced that it’s just for comic relief. 

Nick scores the first 1:1 and it’s a long day (AND NIGHT) of off-the-charts chemistry. Nick and Kaitlyn walk in the park, Irish step dance in the street, buy claddagh rings, and suck face in a traditional Irish pub.  They have a heart-to-heart in the pub and as they walk along the street, Nick pulls Kaitlyn in for a kiss against a wall. Nick may be a weasely nerd tool, but WHO DOESN’T LOVE the ‘ole “pull you aside street make out”?  You may be a loser, Nick, but you’re a loser with MOVES.  

That night they eat dinner (in between kisses) in the Christ Church Cathedral and straddle outside of it. Pure class, these two!  They throw around super corny lines such as “I’m feeling for you” and “you’re giving me goosebumps.”  In an interview, Kaitlyn says that Nick makes her “feel like a woman, a desired woman.” Simmer down, Shania. 

Back in the hotel, Kaitlyn takes Nick back to her room where they disappear into her bedroom, shut the door, and fail to remove their mics, so we hear them moan, breathe, and kiss hard.  These moves are intercut with shots of Shawn and Jared talking about Nick and their naivete is sweet and hilarious. 

The next morning, Nick exits Kaitlyn’s room and Kaitlyn slumps around her patio saying “I don’t want this to be an issue” and “has this ever happened before?” and “I’m trying to think if Chris and Britt did have sex, what I would have done” lest there be ANY CONFUSION as to what just went down between Kaitlyn and Nick.  Nick pretty much TELLS the guys back in the suite but somehow none of them get it.  We’ll see when THAT truth bomb explodes in the coming weeks.

In the previews and the editing, the Bachelor editors seemed to want to “slut shame” Kaitlyn but honestly, the whole thing went over without much drama, which was nice to see.  Although I suspect that there will be drama down the road when the suitors fully understand what went down. 

The dress code for the next day's group date seems to have been Funeral Sexy and those boys did not disappoint!  Chris Harrison explains that the date will be a traditional Irish wake, during which Kaitlyn will be chilling out in a real casket and the guys will drink and toast her.  This group date is MY DREAM because it combines 3 of my favorite things: drinking, giving toasts, and wearing head-to-toe slimming black. Tanner admit that he has no idea how he’s still in the game, Chris Cupcake embarrasses himself by trying to sing, and Shawn makes a great joke that Kaitlyn killed herself after spending a full day with Nick.  Boomtown, buddy! 


The best part of the episode
The group date after party is at the Guinness Store House.  Jared is confident and has his eyes on the prize, Ben Z. says that the Irish wake challenge was emotional for him (because of the death of his mother), and Shawn is beginning to unravel.  Props to Shawn, though, for pulling out some photos and “putting himself out there” (God I hate that phrase) when feeling vulnerable, rather than clamming up.  Alas, Shawn’s family photos don’t win the day, as Jared scores a rose and a private concert by THE CRANBERRIES!  This entire episode was TOTALLY 90s and I loved it!  The Cranberries serenade Jared and Kaitlyn in a candle-lit church and I had CHILLS as they sang “Linger.”  It took me back to eating shitty pizza in the Atrium Mall circa 1993. 

As Kaitlyn and Red Lobster's Top Manager dance and kiss, Shawn unravels more and more and says he’s about to cry and that Kaitlyn is “ruining everything that we have.”  Later, he shows up at Kaitlyn’s hotel room to talk to her and I’m sure she’ll calm him down, but in a few weeks (once Shawn finally puts the pieces together of Nick’s visit to Kaitlyn’s room), he will lose his Irish temper.  I can’t wait to see it!  Erin go braugh, Shawn!  Irish #1!!
I used to live down the street from here. IRISH #1!

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