Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 6: Russian Orphanages, "Chokey," and Too Many Rompers

Bachelor Nation!

Last night's episode was a doozy!  We saw the departure of SIX women in one episode (unprecedented this late in the game?), we had a conversation about child prostitution in Russia (spooky/timely), and joked around about "chokey" aka erotic asphyxiation! All on network television during prime time! Holy shit what is going on?

I've got to whip through this recap today, so let's get to it and get through it quickly.

The episode opens up with Corinne and Nick on a dinner date (after Taylor's recent dismissal), but we haven't seen the last of America's Favorite Emotional Intelligence Expert!  Taylor BUSTS INTO their date to say two things to Nick:
1. Corinne lied, and
2. Come outside so I can berate you on the dimly lit front steps of this old church, please.

Nick and Taylor talks outside and she continues her same diatribe as before--SHE IS NOT A BULLY! Part of love is respect! SHE IS NOT A MEAN GIRL! But Nick needs to "open your eyeballs" (exact quote) because Taylor, a girl he has known for mere weeks, KNOWS what is right for him!!!  Why won't he let TAYLOR make his choices!?!??  That's what gets me about all this--these girls are like, "Corinne isn't right for you!" but they hardly know Nick!  Sure, Corinne's a helpless, obnoxious booze bag who needs to grow up, but maybe Nick WANTS that?  Who knows?

Nick essentially says, thanks for caring, Taylor, then sends her packing again. He returns to Corinne, they make out, and he wants to see what could happen (or at least play tonsil hockey for a few more weeks).

Now we're down to 12 ladies and it's rose ceremony time!  The women get dolled up, hop in a horse drawn carriage, and head to a huge plantation house where they sip on BIG glasses of wine (Danielle's was almost larger than her face). Chris Harrison informs them that Nick has chosen to skip the cocktail party (WHAT!?!?! WHAT!? But I brought a PowerPoint Presentation about why he should love me and now I don't get to show it?!?!) in favor of going straight to the forced departure ceremony--I mean, rose ceremony.

Corinne, Danielle M. (blonde one), and Rachel all have roses.  Who will live to see another group date?

-Kristina - wearing a lovely maroon dress with interesting cut outs up top.
-Raven - in an odd blue dress with, again, detachable arm cover things. WHY WHY WHY?
-Vanessa - our 2nd maroon dress of the night, looking great.
-Danielle L. - hair back in sorta curled bun, tits out in a low cut black patterned dress.
-Jasmine - looking great in a retro style black and white cocktail dress.
-Whitney - aka Astrid's Body Double in a bizarre mesh dress that has some white pieces, but is mostly tan white girl flesh tone, so she looks like a L'Eggs plastic egg with a brown wig attached to it. Her skin looked great, though--fantastic shimmer contouring.

Actual photo of Whitney in her weird mesh, flesh toned dress. 

So heading home we have Josephine (who seemed perfectly nice but didn't have much real, 1:1 connection with Nick), Alexis (who is RAD and goofy and seemed to have a great friendship with Nick, but no romance), and Jaimie (whose purple lipstick was BOLD but who we never saw going too far, did we?).

We're down to 9 girls and it's time to head down to an island whose weather can best be described as "perpetually overcast": ST. THOMAS!

The gals land in St. Thomas and do the requisite beach walk, patio scream, and suite exploration. They meet up with Nick plane-side and he announces that a 1:1 is starting right then for KRISTINA, the sweet Russian girl who was adopted by a Kentucky family. As Jasmine begins to unravel, Nick and Kristina fly away and head to the Annaberg Ruins for beers and real talk.  Nick is fascinated but also wants to get Kristina out of those pesky clothes, so they head to the beach for swimming and straddling.

That night over dinner, Kristina (done up in a super cute white dress and tan wedges) shares her harrowing life story--a brutal childhood in Russia, a neglectful mother, and 6 years a Russian orphanage before she was adopted at age 12. Kids who aren't adopted are forced out of the orphanage at age 16 and often go into prostitution and I must say PROPS to Kristina and The Bachelor for having the guts to speak about child sexy trafficing with such candor and for shining a light on this issue.  Wow.  Kristina dealt with some feelings of guilt when she was adopted but decided to move to the U.S.A. and "live life in color" (sorta corny, but also very sweet) and Nick seems to be smitten.  She gets a rose and they dance in a gazebo surrounded by steel drum players and local dancers.

Meanwhile, Corinne has found a local St. Thomas woman (Lorna) to act as her new Raquel and sure, I suppose it's a funny little aside, but there's also something very yucky about watching a native woman wait on a white woman who is visiting the resort, ya know?

Up next is a group date for Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., Jasmine, and Nick and I haven't seen that much sloppy day drinking since season 3 of Bachelor In Paradise or maybe Sunday at my friend's boyfriend's Superbowl party!  Corinne wears a beige bikini top (NIGHTMARE), Vanessa rocks a super cool black bikini, Raven does mismatched bikini top and bottom (my favorite style), and nobody has any fun.

That night the gang SOMEHOW rallies for more drinking (I would have been riding the struggle bus--a day of drinking, a hellish forced volleyball game, then MORE drinking a few hours later? Can I get a nap and some uppers, plz?) and alone time with Nick.  Nearly every woman is saying that this has been more stressful than any week before and Jasmine, unfortunately, goes a step farther, telling the other women that she feels completely ignored and forgotten.  She has been stewing on this for a few days, so when she finally gets alone time with Nick, she pounces. She starts off OK, simply saying, "I like you a lot and I feel overlooked and it sucks" but then she DOES NOT STOP TALKING and it just gets worse with every moment.  She's upset that she hasn't had a 1:1 so far, she is here to find love--not just score a free vacation and enjoy open bar.  Then she goes off the rails and "jokes" that she wants to choke him and slap him (cringe!), then bizarrely tries to sorta redeem herself by saying that she wants to do "chokey" and straddle him, choke him (which, if this were 1996 and I were a high schooler watching this show in my parents' basement would DEFINITELY be THE MOMENT when my father would come downstairs and say, "WHAT IN THE HELL DO THEY SHOW ON TV NOWADAYS??). Nick literally looks scared and creeped out, so he gingerly suggests that maybe it's time to say goodbye and he walks her out.  Jasmine was such a solid contender at first--it's sad to see her leave in such creepy circumstances, but this show makes people go crazy.

Everyone is emotionally drained and snuggling, but soon it's time for another 2-on-1. ANOTHER ONE!? Bachelor lovers--I thought that usually we only had ONE 2:1 per season--am I wrong? Right? The greatest of all time?

The 2-in-1 is Nick, Danielle L. (aka Tits McGee), and Whitney (snooze) and both ladies are in rompers, though Whitney's is a LOT more unflattering. Does no one own separates anymore? Am I an old lady for owning frigging tank tops?

You're both in rompers? Cool cool. I'm over here in separates like a goddamn pilgrim.

The trio hops a helicopter and cruises to a desert island where there is nothing except a canopy bed and drinks.  I got the feeling that Nick wanted to ditch BOTH women on that island, but somehow Danielle L. charms him, so he only abandons Whitney (who turns MEAN and begins trying to insult Danielle L. because she's a pawn in the hand of the patriarchy and they love to always pit women against other women).  Whitney gets the Olivia treatment--being forced to stand there alone on the beach as Danielle and Nick escape in the helicopter.  Man--the only thing more brutal than being ditched on a desert island is being ditched on a desert island while you're wearing a super unflattering romper.  Sorry, Whitney.

That night Nick and Danielle L. (aka D. Lo) have dinner and D. Lo explains that they have so much in common because they both enjoy hanging out with friends and being close with family (OMG they are like, FATED to be together with those SUPER UNIQUE commonalities that aren't shared by the majority of humans on the planet).  Nick seems to suddenly realize that he and D. Lo actually DO NOT have much in common (perhaps because of the answers to that "2 word to describe ideal relationship" question?) and finally notice that she says "like" every other word, so he sends her home and cries about it.  Danielle handles it gracefully (and rocks a gorgeous, very vacation chic, flowy dress) and reminds us of Bonnie Raitt's immortal words: you can't make someone love you.

Nick's down to 6 women and he's having a personal crisis.  Did the casting directors pick a girl who he can marry? Is one of these 6 "the one"?  And whatever will he do if he does NOT find love on national TV--what then?  Will he be forced to just KEEP DATING!??! We'll find out next week!

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