Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 7: Mussels and Muscles in Brussels!

Last night Andi clipped the crew of dudes from 6 down to 4 and made me wonder, "what has she got against beefcakes who are most likely Irish Catholic?"  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The gang was in Brussels, Belgium and Andi had enough bulky ponchos for everyone, though most of the men favored lightweight scarves (WHY?) and Dylan rocked a tiny ponytail (which took some getting used to... but I can dig it... mostly because sweet Dyl Dyl wore it).  Chris Harrison greeted the half dozen hotties and had a big brother-style talk (the family relationship, not the TV show) about this, the week before hometown dates (or as Bach Nation calls them, "HOMETOWNS").  They learned that that this week's activities would include two 1:1 dates (no roses up for grabs) and a group date (with 1 rose on the table) and before we know it, Marcus (good abs, blah everything else) is off for a 1:1 date with Andi.

Andi and Marcus chow on chocolates, mussels, and a sundae, plus take a selfie.  When they are sharing mussels, Marcus talks about how he has been journaling about his feelings. I don't mean to sound like your elementary school gym teacher here ("quit being a pansy!") and it's totally cool to write stuff down and make sense of it, but the gerund form of the word journal gives me wicked dumb chills. What else gives me dumb chills? When Andi tells Marcus, "I'm glad you're a good eater!" Umm, are you on a date with a guy or a tiny baby?

That night, Marcus and Andi get dressed up and have dinner in a castle, where Marcus speaks openly about his family.  It gets a little heavy: his father walked out, his mother was abused and then abused Marcus and his siblings, there was some major abandonment there, but now it's all good. Andi then comforts Marcus with the best line out of Good Will Hunting:



As Marcus explains that he and his mother have a fantastic relationship now, Andi switches from Good Will Hunting to Oprah as she asks when he had his "aha moment" with her. Enough pop psychology, Ombre DA! Andi and Marcus make out on the street and his chances of scoring a hometown date are looking good. Hey, I guess those killer abs are worth something.

That night, smug weirdo Nick is in the hotel suite and he's having a really hard time hearing about Marcus's date with Andi, you guys.  It's really hard FOR HIM to deal with this (cause it isn't for ever other guy there, dude?), so he sneaks off to see Andi.  I guess that's cool and all is fair in love and war...but I just can't dig this guy.  Nick walks to the front desk (camera crew in tow!) where he lies and says that Andi Dorfman is his wife and he forgot what room they are staying in, plus he needs a key.  Security at that Brussels hotel is sketchier than Josh's claims that he has nothing to hide, so the front desk clerk promptly hands him a key to room 207.  This romance is TERRIFYING! He shows up at her door, they go for a walk, Nick fidgets like a drug addict, and they make out against a tree.  Andi says that she and Nick have a passionate relationship that is "so hot."

Back in the suite, a ponytailed Dylan (who strangely resembles John Belushi's Samurai character with that tiny pony) asks the guys, "are you girls ready?" (OMG kid is hilarious and so friggin' Mass), then reads the next date card and the lucky guy is Josh (aka Pretty Boy Kenny Powers).

Josh and Andi explore Gent, Belgium and Josh can't keep his filthy paws off her, which she mistakes for genuine love from him. They stumble upon a clown marching band who are parading ducks through town and Josh pretends to find it hilarious and whimsical, but you can tell he's choking back a cry of "NEEEEERDS!" They eat lunch outside and while stone faced, Josh insists that he has feelings for her. I almost expected him to follow up with, "wait--that's my line, right?"  That night, Andi breaks out leather pants (casual rocker look--mama likes!) and Josh says, "it's not a 'too good to be true' thing" and he's referring to himself. His humility is inspiring.  Later, poker face Josh says that he's falling in love with Andi, but I don't believe it at all.  Andi is elated, saying, "this is real" but girl, this is about as real as the GUCCI purse that I bought on the street in Venice during study abroad.  Then we hear string music coming from outside the castle and as they walk through a stone doorway, Josh pulls Andi in for a kiss and they make out hard while lit from behind and seemingly standing in front of a fog machine. Is this The Bachelorette or an 80s music video?  They walk down to a performance by American Young (who?) who are singing, "sometimes love is war" which feels apt since Josh's "love" is a lot like the Iraq War: lead by an arrogant southerner and founded on lies. Aww snap Selena just got political!  More info here, if you are interested.  Josh and Andi dance on a platform and Josh claims that he's excited, but it has nothing to do with Andi--he just loves flashing his so-white-they're-almost-blue teeth and waxed eyebrows at America.

The next day is a group date for Dylan (rad!), Brian (nice!), Chris (hubba hubba!) and Nick (blech).  Nick is THRILLED that this is the final group date (he says this and the other guys just stare at him-HA!) but will he be thrilled to discover that the date is crawling on ruins then eating cheese cubes on sacred ground (at a working monastery) where they can't kiss? Maybe he will, maybe he won't, either way he'll be weird. Chris and Andi secret off a pottery studio that Andi calls a "pottery barn" (super subtle product placement?) where they re-enact Ghost and friggin' KISS! Is the pottery barn not sacred ground? Who usually makes out in that room? Monks? Is that room ever used for pottery, or only for make outs?

Andi sits down with the crew and informs them that 1 lucky guy will get a rose on this date and he will stay on for dinner while the other 3 losers drive home like a clown car full of rejects. The guys freak out and pull out all the stops: Dylan says that his family is excited to meet Andi, Brian says that he's falling in love, Nick says that he knew there was a catch and "I hate being right." Oh really? I feel like you love it, smug prick.

Finally, the cheese cubes are eaten, the sun has set, and it's rose-giving time.  Andi says that she wants the honor of meeting this guy's family and the guy is Nick.  Oh Andi, in the wise words of Sean Lowe's sister during his season, DO NOT pick the contestant who everybody else in the house hates.  Let me remind you of some of Nick's company in that role:

Courtney, whose catchphrase was stolen
 from Charlie Sheen: WINNING.

Nikki, whose roots were the thing to watch
 during her season.

This mountain man psychopath who was on
Ashley's season--they found him living under a tree stump. 

Vienna, a girl named after a city that no one in her family has ever visited.

The guys who are actually hot strut away and Brian calls it "a kick between the teeth" but I suspect he means a kick in the teeth (who has small enough feet or a big enough gap between teeth for Brian's phrase?).  Nick and Andi flutter about their impending Milwaukee trip and I'll give Nick a single compliment: I like that he intimidates Josh.  Le fin.

The my DVR skipped ahead and I missed the dude fight back at the suite. WHY!? I hate technology! The episode picked up at a key moment, though: Just as Andi (dressed in a ball gown last seen on DYNASTY) arrived at a mansion to send 2 weepy hotties back to Small Town, USA.  But before she could start throwing elbows, Andi made out with Chris ("you go, farmer" -Andi), Nick interrupted Brian's 1:1 time (even though he already had a rose! As my pal Mara Herron would say, SIT DOWN (and I mean that metaphorically, not literally and YES I will use double parens here!)), Dylan tried unsuccessfully to be emotionally vulnerable, and Josh acted obnoxious.

Finally, Andi lined up the dudes and then started in on a monologue that reminded me a lot of America's Next Top Model ("Six hotties stand before me--I'm sorry--5 hotties and a Smug Recovered Nerd Named Nick stand before me...") then she started handing out the roses.  Nick already had one, but who else scored a hometown date?
-Josh (aka Less Jacked Gaston)
-Marcus (Get ready to talk abandonment, Andi!)
-Chris (farmer man seemed shocked).

So Brian and Dylan, two wholesome guy's guys from the northeast were sent packing.  They both hugged Andi goodbye and told her that she deserves the best, which made me love them both even MORE since that's what my ex-boyfriend Ryan (the handsome redneck who drove a truck with a lift and used to play pro hockey... it's like a recipe for hotness...) said to me when we broke up. Andi cries and Dylan says, "I definitely deserve to fall in love again." Yes you do, handsome Masshole! It's NOT YOUR FAULT!

Next week are hometown dates but a more important issue is at hand: who can introduce me to Dylan?

Bachelorette Andi Recap Ep 5: Miming in Marseille

After suffering through the withdrawal symptoms of life sans Bachelorette for 2 weeks (shakes, night sweats, pondering what "the right reasons" are to willingly make out in front of TV cameras), last night ABC gave us a fix in the form of Andi and her 11 remaining suitors in Marseille, France.  Marseille is a quaint city known for its waterfront, cobblestone streets,  and ability to make American men get into arguments.  It was like Fight Club last night, if the first rule of Fight Club were "one person must debate another person and that person #2 must seem wholly uninterested." EXCITING! 

Andi and her leather skirt (not doing anyone any favors) have a quick chat with Chris Harrison and his turtleneck (trying to go for a French look, no?) during which Chris asks Andi if she's in love.  She responds with her signature line, 

Oh, but we just getting STARTED! 

Jason (former pro baseball player who apparently hasn't done anything since retiring from the Myrtle Beach Mermen) gets his first one-on-one and guy is touchy-feely like he's a 12 year old boy on his first PG-13 movie date.  Andi and Jason walk around Marseille then board a boat (cue signature Bachelor boast music!) where they snuggle, canoodle, and talk about the most important thing in Jason's life: his failed pro ball career. The boat takes them to The Calanques, a mountainous island, where they disembark for cocktails and more flirting.  They talk about traveling but somehow the conversation ends up back on his pro ball career.  Jason sure loves talking about a job that he held from ages 17-22.  To adopt Jason's style, let me regale you, dear readers, with stories of my summer temp jobs—those faxes weren't about to send themselves!  I got paper cuts all the time!  I had to wear pantyhose in the summertime and everybody knows that nobody wears pantyhose anymore! 

That night Andi and Pretty Boy Kenny Powers clean up and eat dinner at Palais Longchamp (named after the bland bag that is somehow fashionable, I'm sure).  

Hi! I'm boring! 

Over "dinner" (wine) they discuss infidelity, exes, and the repercussions of his pro ball career.  After that, Jason and Andi get a private concert from Ben Fields who is apparently a musician and yet not Ben Folds (Five?). Where DO they find these people?  I don't mean to judge Jason based on his good looks and waxed eyebrows, but umm…. F off, pretty boy ball player.  Jason scores a rose.  

Meanwhile, back the house, JJ (Pantsapreneur), Nick (slow burn front runner who has gotten a bit smug), Marquel (playful hottie), and Brian (coach who is always in coach mode) talk about Andrew (black sheep of the season for scoring a hostess's digits and generally being a snake) and JJ says that in the first rose ceremony, Andrew referred to Marquel and Ron (the two black guys in the contest) as "blackies."  Ooof. That's super messed up, but I hope that JJ heard that correctly because that's a pretty bold assertion. Marquel  talks about how he feels and we have a pretty unprecedented moment for The Bach franchise: This show, which has been widely derided for its lack of diversity gives the lone remaining black suitor a soap box to talk about how it feels.  It was an intriguingly real and candid moment for a TV program that is mostly fluff.  

But before we solve racial bias on The Bachelorette, it's time for some WHITEFACE because the group date activity is MIMING! Is there anything more stereotypically French than that?  What's the next group date, bicycling around the countryside while toting baguettes, smoking Gauloises, and rolling over to German invasion real quick?  A mime teacher (the only one in whiteface) instructs the gang about the ins and outs of miming, they suit up (stripes and suspenders!), and then they take their exaggerated moves to the street. Cody (Macklemore on Roids) makes a miming/Snoop Dogg joke, Marquel makes a baby cry, Nick sulks, JJ acts weird, and people of France hate the entire display (of COURSE they do).  I haven't seen a Bachelorette activity as corny as miming since the time when Emily and Jef put on a marionette show (and yes, everything about that sentence is sad. I'm like a Bach Encyclopedia over here.)

That night at the cocktail party Cody tells Nick that he's smug and arrogant (truth) and Nick acts as such.  Andi can feel the tension through her turtleneck and sparkly, white miniskirt and she discusses the house dynamics with a few men.  Chris and Cody are the 2 nicest guys in the house and they tell Andi that Nick's a bit of a prick, which must mean that he's a real jerk.  Andi confronts Nick and he owns up to being mean spirited (RED FLAG) then reads her a poem that he probably bought off a 6th grade boy with its repetitive structure and juvenile tone. Nonetheless, Andi kisses him and teases him for "causing a ruckus in my mind." Huh/blech.  

Marquel calmly confronts Andrew about Blackie-gate and Andrew denies everything, saying that he would never say such a thing and he's being set up. JJ sits there and doesn't admit that he's the one who shared this information, then later he gets a rose because the rewards system on The Bachelorette is illogical and crazy!  Nick feels defeated and looks sad, which is a look that I love to see on a previously smug face. 

Finally it's Brian's turn to get a one-on-one and their date is dinner and a movie, which Brian says is his favorite thing (and I believe him).  They watch The 100 Foot Journey and we watch them watch it, so we are in effect watching a commercial for this flick (in addition to the multiple actual commercials for this flick).  We get beaten down with metaphors about food, love, and memories as we watch Andi and Brian grocery shop after the film.  They head to her apartment where they cook and Brian stiffens up because he doesn't know how to cook.  The Bachelorette producers must have been hard up for drama (was 2 arguments not enough in this episode?) because they craft Brian's kitchen cluelessness as a major plot point and insinuate that Andi might eliminate him because he can't cook.  They sit down to eat the frogs' legs that Andi cooked and the food is awful, so they go out to dinner. Holy romantic comedy trope!  At dinner, Brian admits that he was feeling self-conscious and not confident, but he regains his swagger over beer and leads Andi into an industrial kitchen for a hot make out.  Not so scared of kitchens anymore, are ya,  Coach?  Brian scores a rose.   

The next night it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time, but Andi vetoes the cocktail party.  She's rocking a seriously textured fishtail braid with some great volume and she's made up her mind.  Chris Harrison informs the posse that Andi will be sending 3 guys home and there will be no cocktail party.  Patrick refers to this as "devastating news" but it's probably most devastating to HIM, since all I know about him as of now is that he has slicked back hair and thinks that miming is hard.  

The boys line up for the elimination ceremony—I mean, rose ceremony—and Josh, JJ, and Brian already have roses from their respective dates.  Who is safe this week? 

-Marcus (he's nerdy but has great abs, which brings him back to zero) 

-Nick (Who can resist a smug guy who writes bad poetry? EVERYBODY except Andi?)

-Chris (I adore the Iowa farmer and yes, I think his tractor's sexy) 

-Dylan (You know it! He's handsome, easygoing, friendly, charming, and I'd like to see him in swim trunks a lil bit more please) 

-Cody (Macklemore on Roids lives to see another week! I'm just as shocked as he is!) 

So who is "hopping on a plane back to the U.S.A. that night" according to Chris Harrison (though we know the truth—those poor rejects will be stuck in a hotel killing time for another week or two at least)?  

-Andrew (snake in the grass slithers off. Who will the remaining guys hate on NOW?) 

-Marquel (super handsome, fun guy but he and Andi didn't seem to have a romantic spark) 

-Patrick (about as interesting as a vanilla ice cream cone on a cold day)

Next week our crew of 8 guys and Andi travel to Venice where they encounter boats, lie detectors, and tears!