Tips for Storytellers & Standups Who Want to Sell a Book

For the last decade I have been a publishing drone by day (Editorial Assistant to start, then steps up the ladder over the years to my current job as a Managing Editor) and Standup Comedian and Storyteller by night (I can sleep when I’m dead!).  Two years ago, I added Author to my resume when my collection of humorous essays, The New Rules for Blondes, was published by It Books/HarperCollins.  After the release of my book, a lot of storytellers and standups asked if they could take me out for drinks and ply me with free alcohol while asking me questions about how to get a book published.  In honor of the second anniversary of my book’s publication date (it’s not too late to buy a copy!), I’m sharing my knowledge, tips, tricks, and advice--and you don’t even have to buy me a drink!

Where Do You Begin?

There are two ways to sell a book: you can write the whole shebang and try to shop that around or you can create a proposal that explains what your book will be (once you write it).  Both pathways will eventually require a proposal, so you’d be wise to start with that. A book proposal is usually 50-70 pages and it’s a comprehensive outline of your book and a roadmap for how the publisher can market your work.  It includes a lengthy bio about you, the writer, and why you are America’s most important, charming, and hilarious new voice. It should include many things: comparative analysis—short synopses of similar books in the marketplace, a few sample chapters of your book, an annotated Table of Contents where you summarize each chapter, a list of every way that you will whore out your book to myriad media contacts that you have met or had lunch near or crossed paths with (get shameless in this section, seriously).  Just Google “book proposal template” and you can see all of the exact sections of the proposal.

But That Sounds Like a Drag To Write—Any Other Tips?

Yes, writing a proposal isn’t the most enjoyable part of writing a book.  I cranked out 3 versions of my book proposal over the course of about a year before my agent and I felt that we had a polished enough proposal to send along to HarperCollins.  So let’s take a step back and let me implore you to…

Write What You Know and Love (and Possibly What You Can Bang out 65,000 Words About)

I got my book deal because I am obsessed with, repulsed by, and shamefully addicted to The Bachelor franchise and for many years I have been writing ridiculous, pop culture anecdote-filled recaps of the show on my blog (right here!).  I didn’t start writing those recaps in order to get a book deal—I started because I love sharing my thoughts on competitive dating with the reality TV viewing public.  To completely debase a legendary quotation and make it about my Bachelor recaps, this bird has got to sing because I have a song!  And that song is about how many Ashleys can coexist inside a mansion (no more than 2 at a time).  What I’m saying is, write what you enjoy writing and that enthusiasm just might catch the eye of an agent or an editor who likes your voice and style and wants to talk to you. To that end, figure out your preferred writing style, voice, subject matter, and where your creative strengths lie.  Are you a storyteller and most of your stories have a recurring theme? Are you a standup comedian with a really interesting take on X topic and think that you have a hook for an essay collection? Is there a topic that’s currently hot in the zeitgeist that you have a unique angle on or experience with?  Those are all good places to start when dreaming up what your book might be.  (The topic that’s hot in the zeitgeist will be especially useful when trying to get press for your book because you can easily make it relevant to future news stories, though beware of making your book proposal too topical, as book publishing moves slowly and you want your book concept to be somewhat evergreen so that it can sell for years to come.)    

Don’t Send Book Pitches to Editors or Publishers, Send Them to Agents

When I was a Children’s Editor (despite my title, I didn’t edit children, I edited their books) I’d often receive blind book pitches by writers from all over the country (though, for whatever reason, from Florida more than anywhere else).  Part of my job (in addition to Americanizing a killer book called No No No Little Turtles—a classic!) was to return those blind pitches to sender along with a friendly letter saying “no thanks” but I always wished I could also say, “don’t pitch an editor, pitch an agent!” I’m sure that someone in the comments will gleefully share the anecdote that JK Rowling used to send manuscripts to editors at publishing houses and SHE got a book deal, but you will be seen as a contender and taken more seriously if you have an agent representing you.  Agents have relationships with editors and they know which editor at which imprint would be interested in your book. (NB: “Imprint” is publishing talk that means a publishing company within a bigger publishing house. An imprint will have a unique style or theme—within a huge publishing house there might be an imprint that specializes in romance novels and another imprint that publishes humor books, and another for young adult, and so on.) These days, editors generally don’t accept blind submissions but agents generally do—the industry is set up for writers to have an agent first and then find an editor.  Thinking that you can get a book deal by blindly sending your manuscript to publishing houses is like thinking that you can get cast on Saturday Night Live by blindingly sending a tape of your comedy to 30 Rockefeller Center.  That’s not how it works—there are gatekeepers and they have relationships with other gatekeepers. (Some of this stuff is a tough pill to swallow, but I’m trying to be completely honest with you, dear reader.)  

But can’t I make up a name an act as my own agent? a smart alec may be wondering.  Sure, I suppose that you can, but again, you don’t have the relationships with editors so concoting a giant ruse in which you are your own agent won’t get you very far. What WILL get you pretty far is doing some research and it’s as easy as Googling a bunch of key term combinations. Most agencies have websites on which they clearly express if they are accepting manuscripts and exactly how they’d like those manuscripts delivered.  Each agent within an agency will have his or her own section of the site where that agent will say exactly what type of work he or she will represent.  Also, do some research inside books that you like.  Do you read a lot of young adult zombie books and have a great idea for a YA zombie book? Look in the Acknowledgements page of that book that you love so much—I bet the agent is listed there.  Then Google the name of that person and before you know it, you’re on the agency’s website learning exactly how they accept pitches. 

But Also Don’t Worry Too Much About the Agent Dance

Don’t you hate it when someone gives you advice and then, in the same breath, completely contradicts herself?  I’m sorry!  Yes, getting an agent is important (especially an agent who understands your style and voice), but simply doing the work is more important. As I mentioned earlier, I implore you to simply write and perform what you enjoy creating and that enthusiasm just might catch the eye of an agent or an editor. 

So You Got an Agent and Got a Book Deal—What Now?

Once your agent successfully sells your book to a publisher, you will be given around 8 months to crank out the full manuscript.  The final product depends on the type of manuscript and I’m most familiar with my book, which came in at about 65,000 words.  I cranked out 65,000 words (in the form of a bunch of humorous essays about all things blonde) while working 40 hours a week and performing standup and storytelling most nights.  I’m not going to pull a Fit Mom and get righteous with you by asking “what’s your excuse?” while I pose in a sports bra (it’s been a long winter with not much gym time), but I will say this: You can do it. Yes, you, reading this essay—you can crank it out if you want to.  It’s just a matter of writing during every free moment of your life and setting boundaries.  Every weekend of those 8 months that I was given, I isolated myself in my apartment and just cranked on my laptop. If I hit a wall, I’d go for a walk or a run and marinate on the essay that I was working on and then I’d go right back to my computer.  I would jot down notes, ideas, and brainstorms during subway rides and during my regular job.  Many times I would print out full deck (a full copy of the book) in process and take it to a bar to have some drinks while doing my own punch ups and reading it hard copy.  I turned in my manuscript and then chilled for a few months.  During that time my wonderful Editor read the whole thing and sent me back thoughts, edits, and notes.  Then I did rewrites over the course of about 4-6 weeks and I threw out entire chapters and created new ones.  My Editor and I had some back and forth as we got closer to finalizing the manuscript and then the brilliant legal team and copyeditor did their passes.  Soon I had galleys (also known as ARCs, Advanced Reading Copies) and I sent out copies to famous friends and acquaintances and pleaded with them to please blurb my book (that is, write a blurb about how hilarious and important it is).  Advanced copies were also sent to magazines and websites and anyone who might be interested in my book. 

Look at these galleys of my book!

Why Would Anyone Be Interested In Your Book?

That’s a question for the ages! If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that the onus is on YOU and your publicist (either the one who is on staff at your publisher or one who you personally hire) to make your book accessible and important to the media.  Don’t just send out a galley with a form cover letter—do the work for the person you are pitching so that his or her job is now done.  Write a special cover letter about how X issue is relevant right now and you address said issue with eloquence and imagination on pages 134-141 of your upcoming book (even pull out that text so that the magazine editor doesn’t even need to flip through your book).  People love it when you make life easy for them, so take them by the hand and show them how they can use your book in their magazine or website. 

Have a Big, Memorable Book Launch

Me at my book launch.
Photo by the brilliant Anya Garrett. 

Hosting a soiree to fete your book (and yourself) is a great way to get more press for your book, if for nothing else but the event listing in your local newspapers and magazines.  If you can swing it, offer open bar or free gifts or giveaways.  A book launch party is like “Field of Dreams”: if you give it (away for free), they will come.  Read an excerpt from the book, thank everyone who helped you, sign a bunch of copies of the book, play some music, and have fun!  Don’t forget to encourage everyone there to take photos and splash the event all over social media.  Oh, and maybe do a cute tie-in to the book in the form of a drink or snack or gift.  At my book launch, my mother went around handing out homemade blondies to everyone in attendance.

Take the Show on the Road

See if your publisher would be willing to send you to a few cities or events—Book Expo America or the American Librarian’s Association Conference or a few bookstores in your hometown.  One word of caution about bookstore events: it can be hard to get people out for those, I found.  But perhaps my situation was unique in that I was trying to drum up excitement about a fun, summery essay collection while in my hometown of Boston mere days after the Boston Marathon bombing. There are many variables that you can’t control and if nothing else, perhaps you’ll get a good story out of a bad experience (in my case, being heckled by a drunk, homeless woman as I attempted to do a reading from my book in the Harvard Coop bookstore.  Listen for that tale on a storytelling show soon.)

Expect The Unexpected, Roll with the Punches, Be Grateful

You’re going to put a lot of work into your book and there are no guarantees about how much press you will get, how many copies you will sell, or how much anyone will care about your baby.  Be respectful and grateful to your agent and editor and cover designer and copyeditor and everyone involved—they’re all pulling together for YOUR book and it’s pretty magical.  Trust that your editor knows the marketplace and has good advice for you.  Be proud of what you have written, no matter the outcome. 

It’s Just One More Notch On Your Proverbial Bedpost

The months leading up to my book release were terrifying to me.  With each day, the big pub date got closer (4/23/13!) and I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough, wasn’t pushing enough, wasn’t connecting enough with media contacts.  Being pushy with strangers gives me agita and shameless self-promotion is anathema to me, but in those trying months I was given some calming advice by a fellow comedian/author in a comedy club green room.  He told me, “it won’t change your life, but it’s another thing that you have on your resume.”  And he was right.  Being a published author didn’t change my life, but it gave me something that I can sell after shows, it’s an opportunity that I am honored to have been given, and my book is a piece of work that I’m fiercely proud of.       

[Final Plug: If you want to be a sweet angel, you can buy my book here.]

Bachelor Chris Recap: Finale & After The Final Rose

The twitterverse was buzzing during The Bachelor on Monday night (and I hate myself for writing that sentence) and the verdict was this: That finale was SNOOZEFEST 2K15.  Chris Harrison promised us a surprise and most viewers found the episode pretty predictable, but I contend that something surprising DID happen.

In The Bachelor and The Bachelorette when the protagonist is down to the final two, the options are almost always:

• The potential mate who is a "safe bet"--someone nurturing, thoughtful, playful, and a strong long-term option for marriage. This person is good looking (I mean, this is TV, after all), but not quite as good looking as...
• The potential mate who is a "wild card"--there's chemistry there that can't be explained. This person might be a bit unpredictable, very sexy, not exactly Mr./Ms. Congentiality within the house. This person is better looking than the Bachelor or Bachelorette every time. 

Usually, given these two options, the Bachelor or Bachelorette picks the sexy wild card.  We've seen it with 

• Andi picking Armpit Tats Josh over playful nerd Nick 
• Bachelor Bob picking knockout Estella over sweetheart Kelly Jo 
• Pilot Jake picking most hated Vienna over simpleton Tenley 
• Ben Flajnik picking legendary mean girl Courtney ("winning") over wholesome, family gal (who loved tan lipstick) Lindzi
• Jillian selecting the pompous Ed Swiderski (who friggin' walked out on her during the season only to return and have the upper hand) over "aww shucks" hottie Kiptyn 
• Ali Fedotowsky choosing bad boy (who Bachelor Nation KNEW was our of her league) Roberto over the other jag

A few wise Bachelors and Bachelorettes select the more steady option, but it's the exception and not the rule.  (And yeah, can I get a Master's Degree in this stuff because I know I could handle the course work?)

But wait, what happened in the 3 hour extravaganza last night, Selena? Becca and Whitney met Chris's large family during a frigid day in Iowa--not what we normally see when everybody goes to paradise and sweats through "meet the parents."  

Whitney gets first crack at the family and she knocks it out of the park with her manners, sense of appreciation, and sweet candor.  I feel bad that I used to be so anti-Whitney because she is truly a dream daughter-in-law and you can tell that Chris's parents think so.  She drops a few more "we made  a baby" jokes (UNCLE! Please make it stop!) but wins over America's heart with her tear jerker toast about how much she loves Chris.  

After she leaves, Chris's sisters rave about Whitney and inquire about what Becca has to offer.  Chris can't quite articulate what he likes about Becca, saying, "she has qualities that are different... and pretty cool." Umm... ya mean the "quality" that she's a virgin? The men folk gather in the garage to drink beers and talk about chicks  Brother-in-law Jason calls it like it is, saying that Whitney is "all in" and the reason that Chris inexplicably holds a candle for Becca is solely because she's hard to get.  Jason, can you please be my therapist and tell me why the rest of the world's deal-breakers are my aphrodisiacs?

The next day the Soules family is a bit suspicious of Becca, but she manages to charm them with jokes and funny stories of her "journey" with Chris.  That good first impression wears off when she sits down for a talk with Chris's three sisters, though.  Becca spews out a whole lot of conditional phrases about "if I fall in love with Chris" and "if Chris is the one for me" and what MIGHT happen IF that or that plays out.  The sisters are not pleased and say that "we've seen a California girl not come to Iowa before."  (Truth be told, the girl they are talking about--Ombre DA Andi--is really an Atlanta girl who didn't want to move to Iowa and chose a smug former baseball player who can't let go of his pro sports glory days, but potato potato.)  Chris's wonderful mother convinces Becca that she IS in love with Chris and the things that she's feeling ARE love, but Becca's a bit too immature to process all of it. Again, Jason says what Bachelor Nation is thinking: the family can weigh in all they want, but this isn't a math problem to be solved analytically--this is about love and chemistry.  Seriously Jason, can we have a beer sometime?  I'll bring a bulleted list of topics and you just call 'em like you see 'em, OK?  Chris's wonderful father weighs in, saying that Whitney is "the sure thing" (ouch--nobody wants to be called a sure thing, am I right?) and he thinks that Chris will take the risky path.

Becca and Chris have a final date (that feels more like a booty call minus the booty) during which they address some tough questions that they probably should have talked about long ago: why do you think you aren't in love with me yet? What issues are holding you back? They get some concrete answers but Becca continues insisting that there are "supposed to be" steps of some sort and she doesn't know what she's doing.  I think she has watched too many Rom Coms (and Cinderella a few too many times) because I have a lot of dating experience and I'm not quite sure what she's talking about.  Steps?  Every relationship is unique.  Some happen quickly (like my parents' 2 months of dating and then engagement and enduring marriage) and others unfold slowly or in unexpected ways with people who you didn't think you'd end up with.  There aren't official steps, really.  Chris leaves Becca's room and says that it's a "weird situation" and gives us some tears.  Bachelor Nation is fueled by tears!  FEED THIS BEAST!

Feed me your tears, Prince Farming!!!! 

Whitney and Chris have a final date and it's more of a date-date than Becca got, which might tip the hand somewhat.  They hop in a tractor and do some harvesting then cruise in his lifted Chevy truck (NIIIIIICE) to his bachelor pad where they have drinks by the fire.  After daytime drinks it's time for evening drinks at Whitney's hotel where she very wisely tells Chris that no matter what happens, she has put everything on the table and she's at peace but also scared.

The next day is the big day and Chris picks out a ring for his chosen one.  The ladies get done up and don their elegant winter dresses (a tough look to pull off).  Finally it's go time and Chris is in his family barn (overloaded with chandeliers) waiting for the gals to arrive.  We get a glimpse of each one in her limo: Whitney in a black dress with a fun neckline and an updo; Becca with her hair down and a red gown made of crushed velvet.  Everybody knows that limo #1 is the person who is getting sent home and whose high heel do we see emerging from that first car: Becca's.

She walks up the stairs of the barn to a landing that strangely resembles a church because of all the stained glass, then she and Chris talk through the most amicable break-up in Bachelor history.  There's whispering, they can both see their breath, and "you're going to make someone very happy one day" is repeated ad nauseam.  He bids her adieu and during her drive away, Becca sheds no tears and says that "it doesn't feel good at all"and I can't decide if this girl is simply too young to understand what is going on or just completely unemotional.  Both?  Either way, she should probably gain a little experience (go on some dates, give an HJ) before she ever goes on a TV show whose solitary purpose is "to find a soulmate."

Up next is Whitney and HOLY COW she is going to be happy.  Once they are in position (and Whitney is done flapping like a fish on a dock), she launches in on a sweet speech about how much she loves him.  Chris follows with a monologue about the time they crashed a stranger's wedding (I had forgotten about that--SO BAD!) and then says that she's perfect for him.  They are a fantastic match in how earnest and sorta corny they are and I'm excited for them.  Chris gets down on one knee, opens up the ring box (MONEY SHOT) and her response to the question is "Absolutely."  After that they kiss and sit in the window of the barn looking out on their now shared kingdom (err--farm).

So yeah, not a drama-filled final episode at all.  And Chris wisely picked the reasonable, adult, would-probably-work-in-real-life option of Whitney (not the wild card passion pick).  Nicely done, Chris!  THAT is a surprising turn of events to me!

In the "After the Final Rose" portion (hour 3) Becca came back (in a fantastic pink dress) to continue on her tour of Zero Emotions and Naivete.  She says that she "loves easily" yet has never been in love (huh?) and continues to claim that she is  unsure if she was in love with Chris because she has nothing to compare it to, but girl, you never do.  Sure, the truncated timeline of The Bachelor is unique, but falling for someone doesn't have a roadmap. I know that I sound like I've been drinking the Bachelor Kool Aid, but I just can't get my mind around what Becca expects.  There's a first time for everything and sometimes even if you've never experienced that thing, you know it's the thing.  I remember when I was 18 and on a date with a lovely alum from my college and during every moment with him I felt like my soul was singing and I never stopped to be like, "Wait... is this it?" I just knew it was a great feeling!

Whitney and Chris come out and Whitney makes some charmingly self-effacing jokes, Chris says that he likes Whitney because she reminds him of her sisters (huh?), and Whitney says that Britt's beautiful.  Then Jimmy Kimmel comes out with a cow named Juan Pablo.  And just when you think that things can't get weirder, Chris Harrison flirts with Ashley "Crazy Train" S. and finally the next Bachelorettes are revealed to be Kaitlyn AND Britt.  Yes, two of them.  The Bachelor has always felt like a show about polygamy, but this time it's for real.

It has been wonderful to spend this season with you, dear readers.  I'll be back next season to see who can better rock a fuscia lip--Canadian Kaitlyn or Poor Man's Ariana Grande Britt.  In the meantime, I'll be posting here on occasion, performing standup and storytelling all over, and you can already read my book or listen to me reciting my own book anytime you like! xoxo

Bachelor Chris Recap: The Women Tell All (And Rock Bold Lips)

Monday night was one of the favorite nights of every season of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.  This episode brings back almost all of the jilted ladies (save for a few forgettable gals who didn't make it past night one and the final two ladies who are living in a bunker somewhere until they can pretend to be engaged for 4-6 weeks, then call it off and go on to a career as a "TV personality") and without fail every woman shows up looking FRESH TO DEATH, as DJ Pauly D would say (go Rhode Island!).  The ladies are always dressed to the nines and rocking fresh highlights and/or extensions (I'm looking at you, Carly) and perfect make-up.  It's like how much you primp and prep when you know that you'll be running into your ex at a cocktail party TIMES INFINITY! #IHateMath.

On Monday night, the gang was all there...

Nikki – the former NFL cheerleader with dark hair who often looked surprised 

Trina – white girl with blonde hair looking great in yellow, which I find surprising (I'm an anti-blonde-white-women-in-yellow-dresses activist, usually) 

Jeulia – rad gal whose ex husband killed self and has a tyke at home 

Tara – drunk fly fishing enthusiast

Amber – looked so good I almost didn't recall who she was

Megan – the blonde gal who is NOT the brightest, but is rocking a great dark lip

Samantha – silent brunette

Jordan – other blonde drunk (who tried to plead her way back on by showing up to a cocktail party unannounced--what are you, ME?) 

Ashley S. – crazy train blondie 

Jillian – intense brunette who was pretty annoying, but she's rocking some rad earrings

Kelsey – Black Widow is rocking a bob even more unflattering than her previous haircut (quite an achievement)

Britt – bold lip as always, gold dress that looks very Forever 21

Mackenzie – young mom who loves aliens and might want to get some curl separator cream 

Ashley I. – female Bobby Bottleservice is sporting a flesh toned dress (my nightmare), plus tan lips (ugh), but her dark hair sorta balances it out. 

Jade – sporting a fiery red dress though she might be in the midst of a breakout 

Carly – resembles a disco dream in her sparkly dress, cool blonde hair color & bold eyes

Kaitlyn – she has completely grown on me and her white separates are sheer perfection 

We watch a montage of the good times and the bad times and before you know it, Britt has manipulated her way into the hot seat next to Chris Harrison.  Britt calls out her "former friend" Carly (what is this, 7th grade summer camp?) and asks why Carly pretended to be her friend.  Carly shoots straight and says that she tried to avoid drama in the house (read: this is a weird situation and we're all stuck together, so may as well go along to get along but crack wise in the interview room). Britt blames Carly for the fact that she was sent home and that dumb logic reminds me of when a high school girl's boyfriend would cheat on her with another girls and the jilted GF would inevitably go after the other woman.  

Haters gonna hate, but I have cool blonde hair now

Guess what, kid? That girl doesn't owe you anything.  YOUR BOYFRIEND is the one who did you wrong, here.  It was pretty delicious when Chris came out later to say that no, Carly didn't tell him what to do, HE didn't think that his relationship with Britt was progressing.  EAT IT, LA!  Britt says, in so many words, that Carly is jealous of her and I finally figure out what I find so repugnant about Britt: she treats Carly like a little, tagalong sister who isn't ALSO there vying for love.  She's a narcissist who plays a naif for attention and sympathy.  Blech.  Carly says that Britt is two faced and a good actress and I agree. Also, Britt clarifies that she WOULD be open to living in Arlington, Iowa as long as they wouldn't be living in the abandoned bank.

Up next is Black Widow Kelsey who Chris Harrison promptly asks, "why do you think that the women disliked you so much?"  Her response is so tone deaf and pitch perfect that I would think it was pulled from a Christopher Guest film if I hand't watched her say it: I've heard that I'm condescending and I use big words.  She throws out therapy soundbites like "honor my story" and "immeasurably blessed" but the best part happens when Chris Harrison asks Kelsey if she feels like she's better than these women and she responds, "how do you evaluate humanity?" Thanks for playing, Nietzsche!  Kelsey and Ashley I. get into it, Kelsey says something about how Ashley owes her an apology, and Ashley drops the greatest "gimme a friggin' break" facial expression of all time. 

Ashely S. (blonde crazy train) gets in the hot seat and semi-coherently says that she acted like such a space cadet all season because she was bored and she likes to be silly (OK, you rule, girl).  Chris Harrison begs her to do Bachelor In Paradise and her classic response to that request is, "It's so weird... that we're on TV." 

Jade gets some time with Chris Harrison during which she wonders if perhaps Prince Farming was lying when he said that her Playboy photos weren't a big deal. My heart goes out to her--people love to theorize about why a person would pose for photos like that and assume that these people are broken or defective somehow, but they aren't.  Jade has a great family, she's extremely close with her father--I admire her chutzpah.  To top it off, she says a line that I recite on the daily: shoot me straight.  Just tell me the truth.  

Up next is Kaitlyn who is looking gorgeous in white separates (a bold choice), modern heels (did you see them?), and a fuscia lip.  She says that she thinks about what happened every day (she made it to the top 3) and she's still confused by it all.  Kaitlyn is wonderfully candid and well-spoken, but after a few minutes her Canadian accent kept reminding me of Wheels Ontario.

Finally, Chris comes out and again, Britt spits out some crocodile tears in order to get time in the hot seat.  Does she somehow forget that Chris sent her home because he didn't like her attitude?  Chris says that Carly's warnings had nothing to do with it and that he didn't think they were moving forward. Britt somehow manipulates the conversation and ends up granting him good luck with his future and acting as though SHE is releasing HIM.  What just happened?  Kaitlyn calmly confronts him and Chris refers to the process as "like throwing darts at a dart  board in the dark" which is probably the most honest characterization of The Bachelor that I have ever heard.  Jade and Chris have a heartfelt conversation about his use of the word "disturbing" to describe his surprise at hearing Jade characterized as a "wild mustang" by her brother, then admits that it was a poor choice of words.  They hug and all is well.  

But before it's over, Chris Harrison has got to plug HIS NEW BOOK!  Trust me, as an author, I know how crucial it is to jump on any and every opportunity to whore out your book.  And with that, I encourage all of you to buy The New Rules for Blondes because mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Next week is the 3 hour finale and instead of each gal meeting The Bachelor's family in paradise, everything will be going down in Arlington, Iowa during the winter.  It's the bleakest midwintery-est Bachelor finale YET!  

Bach Chris Recap Ep 8, 9, who's keeping track anymore SOMEONE HELP ME

Jazzy cats!

I didn't get around to writing a Bachelor recap after last Monday's episode because I couldn't stomach 5 straight hours of Bach watching and THEN Bach recapping.  I had to have a life!  So a quick run-down of last Monday goes like this:

-Britt doesn’t get negged, Britt negs YOU!  The only thing that Britt loves more than wearing eye make-up 24/7 is avoiding public rejection, so she rudely disrupts a rose ceremony in order to avoid being left in the lineup.  She kicks rocks--I'm sure she's got some shifts to pick up at the restaurant in LA. Byeeeee. 

-Sadly, Carly gets sent home, too. YOU RULE ANYWAY, GIRL! 

-Becca's Nawlins family see her as a child and Becca's sister Katie can't get over the fact that little Becky Becks has brought a man home.  She's an adult--stop treating her like a tyke! 

-Whitney’s family is very sweet, but sister is a bit of a downer (with great taste in apartment decor). 

-Kaitlyn’s family is lovely and her mom is like her BFF, which is very sweet. 

-Jade and her father have a wonderful bond that brings tears to their eyes and the eyes of Bachelor Nation.  Jade was in Playboy AND has a fantastic relationship with her father, which was a really refreshing thing to watch on TV and an interesting topic for Bach to explore.  Sadly, Chris sends Jade home and insists it's not about the Playboy secret.  I believe him--is that naive? 

So we're down to 3 ladies and Prince Farming in Bali where they will be experiencing the infamous Fantasy Suite dates.  Chris says, “I’m going to want to know that the intimacy aspect can potentially be there” which a network-friendly euphemism for TEST DRIVE HUMPS!  Oh there are PLENTY more euphemisms where that came from! 

First up is Kaitlyn, the Canadian jokester who made a bad impression at first but has emerged as a fun and easygoing gal with a warm, big family.  Chris and Kaitlyn walk around Bali hugging people everywhere they go then make-out beneath a droopy tree.  That night, Kaitlyn rocks a bikini top and a bold, flowy skirt as Chris sweats through his button down shirt and they "eat dinner" (sit behind plates and make out).  In between spit-swapping, they throw around every dating cliche in the book: "put yourself out there," "open yourself up," and so on.  That night back at the fantasy suite, Kaitlyn tells Chris that she's completely falling in love with him and he reciprocates those comments.  Time to pull down the shades and KICK IT UP A NOTCH! 

The next day is a boat trip for Chris and Whitney and the captain of their boat loves ramming into docks almost as much as he loves doing the thumbs up.  I haven't seen this many instances of thumbs up since that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie dated the politician!

They strip down to their swimsuits, make-out while treading water, and drink.  That evening Whitney rocks a drapey, lime green summer dress (fantastic) and hair in a bun (you know when it's so damn hot and as much as you really WANT to rock your hair down in loose, beach waves, it's just like, my neck will be EN FUEGO!) and tells Chris that she's happily shelve her career in favor of being a wife and mother in Arlington, Iowa.  Hey, to each her own.  Chris hands Whitney the fantasy suite invite card and we watch the strange dance of sex negotiation for public consumption.  Finally, our bold blonde says "check, please!" and they head off for a night of INTIMATE EXPLORATION.

When it's that hot out, sometimes you rock
shorts like it's a school dance circa 1992

The next day, Becca is chilling by a rice paddy and I can't tell if she's wearing black, leather shorts or Umbros, but either way, she looks great.  Chris and Becca chug some coconut water (the kind straight from a coconut--not from Whole Foods), put on some layers and head into a temple, and get some love advice from a local wise man.  He says that Becca's biggest weakness is that she can't be controlled (bitches be making decisions for themselves!) and that they should make love. Aww snap--Wise Man is laying the ground work for a conversation that Becca has been meaning to have all season!  He really IS a wise man! That night Becca rocks a fantastic, short and flirty amber dress and wedge heels (like a disco queen dream!) and Chris continues his armpit sweat tour of Bali.  Over dinner, Chris says that the most important thing is that Becca be able to see herself living in Iowa and she doesn't give him much of a response.  She describes what it must feel like to fall in love like a scientist analyzing an experiment and agrees to go into the Fantasy Suite, where she will tell him that she is saving herself for marriage.  As they head into the suite, Chris says that they are going to "get to know each other on a whole different level--a level of intimacy that we haven’t been allowed" but he's about to get a curve ball.  Becca tells him that she still has her V card and Chris seems stunned and not thrilled and says that he respects it.  My take is that Chris has always seen her as a bit of a youngster (she's 26 to his 33, has never been in love, and her family practically showed him her Barbie Dreamhouse) and that's his only reservation with her.  

The next day Chris is scared of hurting a girl, terrified, and unsure.  Chris Harrison and Chris sit down for a conversation and Bachelor Nation's favorite host asks Prince Farming about the virgin Becca situation.  Did anyone else find it super creepy to hear them discuss her virginity--especially since Chris Harrison brought it up as information he knew, but Chris hadn't been the one to tell him?  So weird! 

Finally, it's rose ceremony time and HOLY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION this rose ceremony is going to happen on the hallowed ground of an Indonesian temple and they are all dressed up in traditional Balinese clothing.  Whitney is rocking a frosted pink lip and good volume in her updo and bun (not easy!), Kaitlyn has a fierce fuscia ensemble and lip, and Becca's loose bun looks effortlessly perfect (but you know it probably took six dozen tries to get right).  Everybody is ready to be loved/publicly humiliated and the 2 roses are stacked!  

But before he can hand out roses that have probably been kept on ice by a segment producer for the past week, Chris wants to have a quick talk with Becca.  Apparently they had an extremely intense conversation the morning after their Fantasy Suite night and they both feel unsettled.  Whitney and Kaitlyn assume that Chris is pulling her aside to send her home without the humiliation of a rose ceremony and Kaitlyn has a good laugh at that prospect (oh girl).  Becca somehow talks her way back to safety (you could TELL that Chris was about to stick her in a cab and send her back to Shreveport) and the rose ceremony is back on!  The music is TENSE! Whitney scores the first rose (her voice is pretty annoying, but she's a warm, bubbly lady and she is WICKED ready to settle down and be Mrs. Prince Farming) and you can tell that Kaitlyn knows what a rose for Whitney means for her.  Chris didn't escort Becca back into the temple just to send her home.  Becca is given the final rose and Kaitlyn is devastated.  Chris walks her out and Kaitlyn makes pained faces, cries into him, and finally gets in the rejection van.  In the van, she cries hard while putting her seat belt on (smart girl) and says that she just went through "the most humiliating moment of my whole friction' life" which warmed my heart.  Kaitlyn, you're fun and pretty and rad--you'll be just fine, sweet maple leaf.  And I used to hate you!  See there--you made a fan out of me! You'll land on your feet, sweet girl. 

Next week is the women tell all and I can't WAIT!  I'm sure that Britt has been applying make-up before bed every night in preparation and I bet that Kelsey has been flipping through her SAT vocab flashcards! 

Bachelor Chris Recap Ep 7: If Britt Aint Happy Aint Nobody Happy

Lovers!

On Sunday night while most of America watched the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, Bachelor Nation witnessed tears from the unlikeliest of places (former Bachelorette Andi and shower hater Britt), a Friday Night Lights-themed date, and Carly serving as the spiritual guide to Chris Soules.

The first hour of Sunday night's show was a "Chris Tells All" special, which we have never seen this early in the season.  Chris weighed in on some of the zanier characters (legit crazy Ashley S., blonde booze hounds Tara and Jordan, Jillian and her bizarre hypotheticals about homeless humps) but he wasn't the only one who got time on camera.  Kelsey came back, smug as ever, and further rambled about her eloquence then proceeded to use the word "ameliorate" wrong.  The Bach editors did the Lord's work when they cut up shots of smug Kelsey claiming to take the high road and saying that she really respects Ashley I. and thinks she's an amazing person interspersed with her taking cheap shots at the "Kardashian" who she insinuates is dumb and low class.  Andi Dofman always returned to talk about her break-up from Josh (Armpit Tats who used to be a pro baseball player and refuses to stop talking about it), which she says they had been struggling with for a while (because you picked a TOTAL JERK, girl!).  Andi's emotional and says the breakup was mutual and caused by their shared inability to support each other (ouch) and Chris Harrison gives her some kind words.  Enough of this talking head therapy stuff--we want action!  Drama!  Tears in different settings!

Back in the game, Kelsey and Ashley I. have just been dumped in the Badlands and the remaining ladies and Chris are at the cocktail party.  Chris pulls aside Megan (who is single-handedly keeping the notion of dumb blondes alive) and she says quite candidly that she thinks they aren't moving forward and other girls are.  Chris agrees and they part ways gracefully which STUNS the remaining 6 women.  Britt has her arms around someone (as always) and it finally hits me that she's one of those girls who is just much too touchy-feely with her friends.  Do you know the type I mean?  I get it, you're FRIENDS!  Chris Harrison tells the ladies that there WILL still be a rose ceremony but then Chris Soules says that there will NOT be a rose ceremony and everybody's going to Iowa!

They land in Des Moines and the 6 remaining ladies walk around downtown while Britt rocks a look that's best described as "L.A. Trash" (paper bagged sweatpants, really?) before Jade gets the first 1:1 date of the episode.

Jade is driven to Arlington (population: 400) where she sees Chris' house (holy bland bedroom sets, Batman!), cruises with him on his motorcycle, and attends a local high school football game with him.  Varsity Blues has got nothing on that date (though a whipped cream bikini would have really spiced things up).  Chris and Jade walk around his former high school where Jade tells him that she had a rebellious streak in her younger years (oh just you wait, Prince Farming) and they make out by the lockers.

Back at the hotel, the ladies are gathered around and it looks like a lipstick commercial thanks to Britt (bold red), Kaitlyn (fierce fuscia), and Becca (nude lip--a girl after my own heart!).  The next 1:1 goes to Whitney (voice like nails on a chalk board) and Britt is finally getting a sense of what life is like for all the other girls.  It's tough, huh, Red Lips?

For their 1:1, Whitney dresses up like she's about to attend a Pearl Jam concert circa 1994 and they pose for kissing photos all over Des Moines.  Whitney is perfectly nice but she's just a bit over enthusiastic and annoying for my taste, but she definitely grew on me during their date.  They go out for drinks that evening (and walk by a crowd of excited Des Moinans--is that what you call them?) and meet up with 3 of Chris' buddies at the bar.  Chris' pals lob some tough questions at Whitney and she handles them with aplomb, then tells Chris that she has no parents (was raised by a single mom who died unexpectedly about 10 years ago) and suddenly I find Whitney's bubbly nature much more charming and compelling than I did just a moment before.  They exit the restaurant to find a poorly-drawn version of their outdoor photo as a mural against the restaurant's wall.  Whitney is so excited by it that she straddles Chris (there was a whole lotta straddling going on in that episode).

While Whitney and Chris were canoodling all over Des Moines, Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Becca (remember her? Silent virgin this episode) take a road trip to Arlington to "see the sights" and learn just how small it is.

Later, Jade confides in Carly that she posed for Playboy a few years ago and that her father learned about it via a co-worker.  Yikes!  She wants to tell Chris about it before he finds out on his own and Carly wonders if this will be a deal-breaker for Prince Farming, saying, "hey mom, don't google my wife." Oh Carly, you are the greatest.

It's time for a group date of Chris, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly.  Britt continues to boggle my mind with her hipster/juvenile/90s grunge/LA trash fashion choices and Kaitlyn grows on me, which I never would have seen coming a few weeks ago.  The foursome skates around an ice rink, has some 1:1 conversation time, then has drinks in an antiques store.  Carly shoots straight with Chris, saying that Britt pronounced that she could NEVER live in Arlington after this road trip.  That is not the line that Britt has been selling Chris and Bachelor Nation holds its collective breath that Chris will see Britt for what she really is--a Hollywood-based "waitress" (actress) who is on the show in hopes of scoring her own lipstick line (and/or D list fame).  Kaitlyn and Chris have an honest talk about how she started out strong but has felt insecure the past few weeks and Chris gives her a rose, meaning she'll definitely be taking Chris up to Canada to mer the parents.

For the first time this season, Britt is NOT showered with attention via Chris and she's ANGRY.  That's what everyone else has been feeling all season, girl.  Welcome to the normal club.  Chris and Kaitlyn return and Britt shakes her head at Chris, gives him a death stare, and then insinuates that she wouldn't want to introduce him to her parents.  Carly looks off but probably smiles as Britt reveals her true colors (it aint all bold lipstick--if Britt aint happy, aint nobody happy) and Chris seems shocked to see this side of her.  Carly has been doing important work and I applaud her for it! Britt tries to justify her tantrum, saying "I only have one family" as though that's not the normal state of affairs for MOST people.

That night all of the gals except Britt have a chat about how much she did herself in with her tantrum.  I think she did and I can't wait to see tonight's episode!

Bachelor Chris Recap Ep 6: These Badlands AINT Treating Us Good

Lovers!

I am ridiculously late w/ my recap, but did you watch my brilliant re-enactment?  My impressions of the girls are award-winning ("Best Impression of a Reality TV Wackadoo" -my roommate), but my written recaps are what the kids keep coming back for.  So what happened on Monday?

The episode started with a leftover rose ceremony (thanks to Kelsey's "panic attack"--err--tantrum thrown to force Chris to talk to her while she rocked an oxygen mask--hot look, psycho!) during which Samantha and Mackenzie were sent packing.  You're probably thinking, "Samantha Who?" and I'm like, "that was the name of a short-lived Christina Applegate sitcom and didn't you think that her first husband was a HOTTIE but I sorta wonder if something is up with him based on his romantic history BUT ALSO Samantha the girl on The Bachelor said a grand total of 5 words this season."  Mackenzie, everyone's favorite 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist was also sent back to her son.  I'm sure he's relieved not to be living in the produce isle anymore (KALE JOKES).

The remaining 9 ladies and Chris head to Deadwood, South Dakota (which Megan would probably be stunned to learn isn't located anywhere near The Dakota in New York City) where they braced themselves for a 1:1, a group date, and the infamous Bachelor 2:1.  The 2:1 functions like Elimidate (rest in peace, sweet show) and one girl is sent packing from that date.  Well, USUALLY one girl is sent home but this season has NO RULEZZZ!!!!

Becca (awesome hair, blindingly white teeth, chill attitude) scores the first 1:1 and I'm psyched for her.  She's been a cool gal from the start and she's been wise to hang back a bit and slowly reveal her personality to Chris.  They ride horses, shoot guns, roast kebabs, and finally share their first kiss.  She gets a rose.

Back at the hotel (which was a friggin' Holiday Inn--did anyone else notice that?) Carly, Whitney, and another forgettable long-haired white girl are confronting Kelsey about how fake she is (which is a phenomenon much like Law and Order--it's always happening somewhere, every moment of every day).  Kelsey has a black belt in manipulation and shirking responsibility because she immediately gets super patronizing with them, mentions her dead husband, says that she was "confused"  passive-aggressive people LOVE claiming they are "confused" but they know exactly what is going on), and says she feels that they are ganging up on her.  In her confessional interview she says, "I'm blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use big words."  Girl, you misused the words "ensued" and "myriad" last episode, so quit acting like you're Little Miss Language Arts  You're pulling out friggin' PSAT vocab, kid.  Sit down.

The next day is a group date and the crew is Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan (who still hasn't quite gotten the hang of how things work when your name gets called).  Their date is a day with Big and Rich (the "last kids picked in gym class" of Top 40 Country Music) during which the ladies write original country songs then perform them while accompanied by a filthy prospector on banjo.  Kaitlyn raps (dumb chills), Britt emotes too much (gross), and Carly wins the day with her beautiful, sweet, melodic serenade to Chris.  But no one can deny the sexual chemistry between Britt and Chris, the likes of which we haven't seen since Juan Pablo and Clare (but we remember how that turned out, DON'T WE?).  That night at the after party the girls are left sitting around for 60 MINUTES while Britt and Chris sneak off to attend a Big and Rich concert nearby.  Couldn't they have just sent the rest of the women home and said that Britt and Chris got an extended date?  The girls who were kept waiting feel frustrated and humiliated and somehow I now find myself really liking Kaitlyn.  Who saw that coming?  Britt continues to spin her web of lies, saying that she loves country music, so she gets a rose.  Small note: Whitney, don't wear a scarf that is the same color of both your hair and your skin, girl.  Just a tip.

It's time of the 2:1 and I haven't seen a match-up this exciting since Tyson vs. Douglas in 1990: Ashley I. aka Female Bobby Bottlservice aka New Jersey Kardashian VS. Kelsey aka Smuggest Lady in the Land aka Talbots #1 Fan.  Their date will take place in The Badlands, which I then learned is more than just a great Bruce Springsteen song.  They cruise into the barren wasteland on a helicopter and a bed is set up for the purposes of capturing fierce side-eye.  Ashley gets alone time with Chris, during which she reminds him that she's completely inexperienced (by cartoonishly shoving her tongue down his throat) and informs him that Kelsey is this season's pariah (a more frumpily dressed Courtney or Vienna or Tierra).  Kelsey then wins some alone time with Chris during which she describes their potential life together in a manner more boring way than I have ever heard.  Chris gently brings up what Ashley said (and admits that Ashley JUST said something to him, which was more of a bonehead move on his part than a malicious maneuver, I think).  Kelsey plays the victim as usual, saying that she considers Ashley a friend.  Cry me a river, weirdo.

The two girls end up sitting on the bed together and Kelsey attempts to stare Ashley down, but Ashley isn't having it (good girl).  Finally, Kelsey snarls, "I know what you did" and Ashley says that she knows that Kelsey thinks she's stupid, but they both have their masters degrees "and I actually have it from a good place" (a line that made me ERUPT IN APPLAUSE at home).  Suddenly I'm on Team Ashley.  Poor Man's Kim K. walks off to confront Chris and, sadly for her, she simply cannot keep her shit together.  She has a meltdown, Chris sends her home, she storms off, she storms back in, they hug, finally she storms off again.  Girl.  At least keep it together when you are getting dumped--never let 'em see you sweat!  Chris retreats to Kelsey and I gotta say, I haven't seen a woman so smug and entitled since the last time I went to Starbucks (so, this morning).  Kelsey hugs him and tries to play the role of dutiful, doting wife but then Chris pulls a truly UNPRECEDENTED move (Chris Harrison was loving it, no doubt) and he gives Kelsey the Heisman, too! Aww snap--there are no rules!  Chris gives Kelsey the old "see you in hell," hops in a helicopter and jets outta there.  The remaining ladies celebrate Kelsey's departure with bubbly.

Next week we have so much Bach it's going to be inane: Sunday night AND Monday night.  I"ll try to stay on top of it, lovers!

Bachelor Chris Ep 6 - Bad times in the Badlands!

Pussycats!

As usual, I couldn't watch Bach live on Monday night because I had 2 shows (#blessed) but I just caught up and OMG that episode was amazing and hilarious and bananas and unexpected!  Here are my quick thoughts.  Full, written recap to come.  But for now, enjoy my impression of Ashley "Bobby Bottlservice" I!