Lovers!
On Sunday night while most of America watched the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, Bachelor Nation witnessed tears from the unlikeliest of places (former Bachelorette Andi and shower hater Britt), a Friday Night Lights-themed date, and Carly serving as the spiritual guide to Chris Soules.
The first hour of Sunday night's show was a "Chris Tells All" special, which we have never seen this early in the season. Chris weighed in on some of the zanier characters (legit crazy Ashley S., blonde booze hounds Tara and Jordan, Jillian and her bizarre hypotheticals about homeless humps) but he wasn't the only one who got time on camera. Kelsey came back, smug as ever, and further rambled about her eloquence then proceeded to use the word "ameliorate" wrong. The Bach editors did the Lord's work when they cut up shots of smug Kelsey claiming to take the high road and saying that she really respects Ashley I. and thinks she's an amazing person interspersed with her taking cheap shots at the "Kardashian" who she insinuates is dumb and low class. Andi Dofman always returned to talk about her break-up from Josh (Armpit Tats who used to be a pro baseball player and refuses to stop talking about it), which she says they had been struggling with for a while (because you picked a TOTAL JERK, girl!). Andi's emotional and says the breakup was mutual and caused by their shared inability to support each other (ouch) and Chris Harrison gives her some kind words. Enough of this talking head therapy stuff--we want action! Drama! Tears in different settings!
Back in the game, Kelsey and Ashley I. have just been dumped in the Badlands and the remaining ladies and Chris are at the cocktail party. Chris pulls aside Megan (who is single-handedly keeping the notion of dumb blondes alive) and she says quite candidly that she thinks they aren't moving forward and other girls are. Chris agrees and they part ways gracefully which STUNS the remaining 6 women. Britt has her arms around someone (as always) and it finally hits me that she's one of those girls who is just much too touchy-feely with her friends. Do you know the type I mean? I get it, you're FRIENDS! Chris Harrison tells the ladies that there WILL still be a rose ceremony but then Chris Soules says that there will NOT be a rose ceremony and everybody's going to Iowa!
They land in Des Moines and the 6 remaining ladies walk around downtown while Britt rocks a look that's best described as "L.A. Trash" (paper bagged sweatpants, really?) before Jade gets the first 1:1 date of the episode.
Jade is driven to Arlington (population: 400) where she sees Chris' house (holy bland bedroom sets, Batman!), cruises with him on his motorcycle, and attends a local high school football game with him. Varsity Blues has got nothing on that date (though a whipped cream bikini would have really spiced things up). Chris and Jade walk around his former high school where Jade tells him that she had a rebellious streak in her younger years (oh just you wait, Prince Farming) and they make out by the lockers.
Back at the hotel, the ladies are gathered around and it looks like a lipstick commercial thanks to Britt (bold red), Kaitlyn (fierce fuscia), and Becca (nude lip--a girl after my own heart!). The next 1:1 goes to Whitney (voice like nails on a chalk board) and Britt is finally getting a sense of what life is like for all the other girls. It's tough, huh, Red Lips?
For their 1:1, Whitney dresses up like she's about to attend a Pearl Jam concert circa 1994 and they pose for kissing photos all over Des Moines. Whitney is perfectly nice but she's just a bit over enthusiastic and annoying for my taste, but she definitely grew on me during their date. They go out for drinks that evening (and walk by a crowd of excited Des Moinans--is that what you call them?) and meet up with 3 of Chris' buddies at the bar. Chris' pals lob some tough questions at Whitney and she handles them with aplomb, then tells Chris that she has no parents (was raised by a single mom who died unexpectedly about 10 years ago) and suddenly I find Whitney's bubbly nature much more charming and compelling than I did just a moment before. They exit the restaurant to find a poorly-drawn version of their outdoor photo as a mural against the restaurant's wall. Whitney is so excited by it that she straddles Chris (there was a whole lotta straddling going on in that episode).
While Whitney and Chris were canoodling all over Des Moines, Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Becca (remember her? Silent virgin this episode) take a road trip to Arlington to "see the sights" and learn just how small it is.
Later, Jade confides in Carly that she posed for Playboy a few years ago and that her father learned about it via a co-worker. Yikes! She wants to tell Chris about it before he finds out on his own and Carly wonders if this will be a deal-breaker for Prince Farming, saying, "hey mom, don't google my wife." Oh Carly, you are the greatest.
It's time for a group date of Chris, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly. Britt continues to boggle my mind with her hipster/juvenile/90s grunge/LA trash fashion choices and Kaitlyn grows on me, which I never would have seen coming a few weeks ago. The foursome skates around an ice rink, has some 1:1 conversation time, then has drinks in an antiques store. Carly shoots straight with Chris, saying that Britt pronounced that she could NEVER live in Arlington after this road trip. That is not the line that Britt has been selling Chris and Bachelor Nation holds its collective breath that Chris will see Britt for what she really is--a Hollywood-based "waitress" (actress) who is on the show in hopes of scoring her own lipstick line (and/or D list fame). Kaitlyn and Chris have an honest talk about how she started out strong but has felt insecure the past few weeks and Chris gives her a rose, meaning she'll definitely be taking Chris up to Canada to mer the parents.
For the first time this season, Britt is NOT showered with attention via Chris and she's ANGRY. That's what everyone else has been feeling all season, girl. Welcome to the normal club. Chris and Kaitlyn return and Britt shakes her head at Chris, gives him a death stare, and then insinuates that she wouldn't want to introduce him to her parents. Carly looks off but probably smiles as Britt reveals her true colors (it aint all bold lipstick--if Britt aint happy, aint nobody happy) and Chris seems shocked to see this side of her. Carly has been doing important work and I applaud her for it! Britt tries to justify her tantrum, saying "I only have one family" as though that's not the normal state of affairs for MOST people.
That night all of the gals except Britt have a chat about how much she did herself in with her tantrum. I think she did and I can't wait to see tonight's episode!
Monday, February 16, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Bachelor Chris Recap Ep 6: These Badlands AINT Treating Us Good
Lovers!
I am ridiculously late w/ my recap, but did you watch my brilliant re-enactment? My impressions of the girls are award-winning ("Best Impression of a Reality TV Wackadoo" -my roommate), but my written recaps are what the kids keep coming back for. So what happened on Monday?
The episode started with a leftover rose ceremony (thanks to Kelsey's "panic attack"--err--tantrum thrown to force Chris to talk to her while she rocked an oxygen mask--hot look, psycho!) during which Samantha and Mackenzie were sent packing. You're probably thinking, "Samantha Who?" and I'm like, "that was the name of a short-lived Christina Applegate sitcom and didn't you think that her first husband was a HOTTIE but I sorta wonder if something is up with him based on his romantic history BUT ALSO Samantha the girl on The Bachelor said a grand total of 5 words this season." Mackenzie, everyone's favorite 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist was also sent back to her son. I'm sure he's relieved not to be living in the produce isle anymore (KALE JOKES).
The remaining 9 ladies and Chris head to Deadwood, South Dakota (which Megan would probably be stunned to learn isn't located anywhere near The Dakota in New York City) where they braced themselves for a 1:1, a group date, and the infamous Bachelor 2:1. The 2:1 functions like Elimidate (rest in peace, sweet show) and one girl is sent packing from that date. Well, USUALLY one girl is sent home but this season has NO RULEZZZ!!!!
Becca (awesome hair, blindingly white teeth, chill attitude) scores the first 1:1 and I'm psyched for her. She's been a cool gal from the start and she's been wise to hang back a bit and slowly reveal her personality to Chris. They ride horses, shoot guns, roast kebabs, and finally share their first kiss. She gets a rose.
Back at the hotel (which was a friggin' Holiday Inn--did anyone else notice that?) Carly, Whitney, and another forgettable long-haired white girl are confronting Kelsey about how fake she is (which is a phenomenon much like Law and Order--it's always happening somewhere, every moment of every day). Kelsey has a black belt in manipulation and shirking responsibility because she immediately gets super patronizing with them, mentions her dead husband, says that she was "confused" passive-aggressive people LOVE claiming they are "confused" but they know exactly what is going on), and says she feels that they are ganging up on her. In her confessional interview she says, "I'm blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use big words." Girl, you misused the words "ensued" and "myriad" last episode, so quit acting like you're Little Miss Language Arts You're pulling out friggin' PSAT vocab, kid. Sit down.
The next day is a group date and the crew is Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan (who still hasn't quite gotten the hang of how things work when your name gets called). Their date is a day with Big and Rich (the "last kids picked in gym class" of Top 40 Country Music) during which the ladies write original country songs then perform them while accompanied by a filthy prospector on banjo. Kaitlyn raps (dumb chills), Britt emotes too much (gross), and Carly wins the day with her beautiful, sweet, melodic serenade to Chris. But no one can deny the sexual chemistry between Britt and Chris, the likes of which we haven't seen since Juan Pablo and Clare (but we remember how that turned out, DON'T WE?). That night at the after party the girls are left sitting around for 60 MINUTES while Britt and Chris sneak off to attend a Big and Rich concert nearby. Couldn't they have just sent the rest of the women home and said that Britt and Chris got an extended date? The girls who were kept waiting feel frustrated and humiliated and somehow I now find myself really liking Kaitlyn. Who saw that coming? Britt continues to spin her web of lies, saying that she loves country music, so she gets a rose. Small note: Whitney, don't wear a scarf that is the same color of both your hair and your skin, girl. Just a tip.
It's time of the 2:1 and I haven't seen a match-up this exciting since Tyson vs. Douglas in 1990: Ashley I. aka Female Bobby Bottlservice aka New Jersey Kardashian VS. Kelsey aka Smuggest Lady in the Land aka Talbots #1 Fan. Their date will take place in The Badlands, which I then learned is more than just a great Bruce Springsteen song. They cruise into the barren wasteland on a helicopter and a bed is set up for the purposes of capturing fierce side-eye. Ashley gets alone time with Chris, during which she reminds him that she's completely inexperienced (by cartoonishly shoving her tongue down his throat) and informs him that Kelsey is this season's pariah (a more frumpily dressed Courtney or Vienna or Tierra). Kelsey then wins some alone time with Chris during which she describes their potential life together in a manner more boring way than I have ever heard. Chris gently brings up what Ashley said (and admits that Ashley JUST said something to him, which was more of a bonehead move on his part than a malicious maneuver, I think). Kelsey plays the victim as usual, saying that she considers Ashley a friend. Cry me a river, weirdo.
The two girls end up sitting on the bed together and Kelsey attempts to stare Ashley down, but Ashley isn't having it (good girl). Finally, Kelsey snarls, "I know what you did" and Ashley says that she knows that Kelsey thinks she's stupid, but they both have their masters degrees "and I actually have it from a good place" (a line that made me ERUPT IN APPLAUSE at home). Suddenly I'm on Team Ashley. Poor Man's Kim K. walks off to confront Chris and, sadly for her, she simply cannot keep her shit together. She has a meltdown, Chris sends her home, she storms off, she storms back in, they hug, finally she storms off again. Girl. At least keep it together when you are getting dumped--never let 'em see you sweat! Chris retreats to Kelsey and I gotta say, I haven't seen a woman so smug and entitled since the last time I went to Starbucks (so, this morning). Kelsey hugs him and tries to play the role of dutiful, doting wife but then Chris pulls a truly UNPRECEDENTED move (Chris Harrison was loving it, no doubt) and he gives Kelsey the Heisman, too! Aww snap--there are no rules! Chris gives Kelsey the old "see you in hell," hops in a helicopter and jets outta there. The remaining ladies celebrate Kelsey's departure with bubbly.
Next week we have so much Bach it's going to be inane: Sunday night AND Monday night. I"ll try to stay on top of it, lovers!
I am ridiculously late w/ my recap, but did you watch my brilliant re-enactment? My impressions of the girls are award-winning ("Best Impression of a Reality TV Wackadoo" -my roommate), but my written recaps are what the kids keep coming back for. So what happened on Monday?
The episode started with a leftover rose ceremony (thanks to Kelsey's "panic attack"--err--tantrum thrown to force Chris to talk to her while she rocked an oxygen mask--hot look, psycho!) during which Samantha and Mackenzie were sent packing. You're probably thinking, "Samantha Who?" and I'm like, "that was the name of a short-lived Christina Applegate sitcom and didn't you think that her first husband was a HOTTIE but I sorta wonder if something is up with him based on his romantic history BUT ALSO Samantha the girl on The Bachelor said a grand total of 5 words this season." Mackenzie, everyone's favorite 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist was also sent back to her son. I'm sure he's relieved not to be living in the produce isle anymore (KALE JOKES).
The remaining 9 ladies and Chris head to Deadwood, South Dakota (which Megan would probably be stunned to learn isn't located anywhere near The Dakota in New York City) where they braced themselves for a 1:1, a group date, and the infamous Bachelor 2:1. The 2:1 functions like Elimidate (rest in peace, sweet show) and one girl is sent packing from that date. Well, USUALLY one girl is sent home but this season has NO RULEZZZ!!!!
Becca (awesome hair, blindingly white teeth, chill attitude) scores the first 1:1 and I'm psyched for her. She's been a cool gal from the start and she's been wise to hang back a bit and slowly reveal her personality to Chris. They ride horses, shoot guns, roast kebabs, and finally share their first kiss. She gets a rose.
Back at the hotel (which was a friggin' Holiday Inn--did anyone else notice that?) Carly, Whitney, and another forgettable long-haired white girl are confronting Kelsey about how fake she is (which is a phenomenon much like Law and Order--it's always happening somewhere, every moment of every day). Kelsey has a black belt in manipulation and shirking responsibility because she immediately gets super patronizing with them, mentions her dead husband, says that she was "confused" passive-aggressive people LOVE claiming they are "confused" but they know exactly what is going on), and says she feels that they are ganging up on her. In her confessional interview she says, "I'm blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use big words." Girl, you misused the words "ensued" and "myriad" last episode, so quit acting like you're Little Miss Language Arts You're pulling out friggin' PSAT vocab, kid. Sit down.
The next day is a group date and the crew is Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan (who still hasn't quite gotten the hang of how things work when your name gets called). Their date is a day with Big and Rich (the "last kids picked in gym class" of Top 40 Country Music) during which the ladies write original country songs then perform them while accompanied by a filthy prospector on banjo. Kaitlyn raps (dumb chills), Britt emotes too much (gross), and Carly wins the day with her beautiful, sweet, melodic serenade to Chris. But no one can deny the sexual chemistry between Britt and Chris, the likes of which we haven't seen since Juan Pablo and Clare (but we remember how that turned out, DON'T WE?). That night at the after party the girls are left sitting around for 60 MINUTES while Britt and Chris sneak off to attend a Big and Rich concert nearby. Couldn't they have just sent the rest of the women home and said that Britt and Chris got an extended date? The girls who were kept waiting feel frustrated and humiliated and somehow I now find myself really liking Kaitlyn. Who saw that coming? Britt continues to spin her web of lies, saying that she loves country music, so she gets a rose. Small note: Whitney, don't wear a scarf that is the same color of both your hair and your skin, girl. Just a tip.
It's time of the 2:1 and I haven't seen a match-up this exciting since Tyson vs. Douglas in 1990: Ashley I. aka Female Bobby Bottlservice aka New Jersey Kardashian VS. Kelsey aka Smuggest Lady in the Land aka Talbots #1 Fan. Their date will take place in The Badlands, which I then learned is more than just a great Bruce Springsteen song. They cruise into the barren wasteland on a helicopter and a bed is set up for the purposes of capturing fierce side-eye. Ashley gets alone time with Chris, during which she reminds him that she's completely inexperienced (by cartoonishly shoving her tongue down his throat) and informs him that Kelsey is this season's pariah (a more frumpily dressed Courtney or Vienna or Tierra). Kelsey then wins some alone time with Chris during which she describes their potential life together in a manner more boring way than I have ever heard. Chris gently brings up what Ashley said (and admits that Ashley JUST said something to him, which was more of a bonehead move on his part than a malicious maneuver, I think). Kelsey plays the victim as usual, saying that she considers Ashley a friend. Cry me a river, weirdo.
The two girls end up sitting on the bed together and Kelsey attempts to stare Ashley down, but Ashley isn't having it (good girl). Finally, Kelsey snarls, "I know what you did" and Ashley says that she knows that Kelsey thinks she's stupid, but they both have their masters degrees "and I actually have it from a good place" (a line that made me ERUPT IN APPLAUSE at home). Suddenly I'm on Team Ashley. Poor Man's Kim K. walks off to confront Chris and, sadly for her, she simply cannot keep her shit together. She has a meltdown, Chris sends her home, she storms off, she storms back in, they hug, finally she storms off again. Girl. At least keep it together when you are getting dumped--never let 'em see you sweat! Chris retreats to Kelsey and I gotta say, I haven't seen a woman so smug and entitled since the last time I went to Starbucks (so, this morning). Kelsey hugs him and tries to play the role of dutiful, doting wife but then Chris pulls a truly UNPRECEDENTED move (Chris Harrison was loving it, no doubt) and he gives Kelsey the Heisman, too! Aww snap--there are no rules! Chris gives Kelsey the old "see you in hell," hops in a helicopter and jets outta there. The remaining ladies celebrate Kelsey's departure with bubbly.
Next week we have so much Bach it's going to be inane: Sunday night AND Monday night. I"ll try to stay on top of it, lovers!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Bachelor Chris Ep 6 - Bad times in the Badlands!
Pussycats!
As usual, I couldn't watch Bach live on Monday night because I had 2 shows (#blessed) but I just caught up and OMG that episode was amazing and hilarious and bananas and unexpected! Here are my quick thoughts. Full, written recap to come. But for now, enjoy my impression of Ashley "Bobby Bottlservice" I!
As usual, I couldn't watch Bach live on Monday night because I had 2 shows (#blessed) but I just caught up and OMG that episode was amazing and hilarious and bananas and unexpected! Here are my quick thoughts. Full, written recap to come. But for now, enjoy my impression of Ashley "Bobby Bottlservice" I!
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 5: Britt & Kelsey: YA SUSPECT
On Monday night's episode (which I just watched on Tuesday night because I had a gig on Monday night, then chowed a large fries from McDonalds on the subway where I ran into a cutie who I went on a bunch of dates with about a year ago) the 11 ladies and Prince Farming traveled to Santa Fe, New Mexico (which is part of the United States, but apparently Megan slept through Social Studies class from grades K-12) for some sunshine, wine, hot air balloons, and DRAMA!
I'll keep this quick since my recap is so late. I'm sorry, sweet lovers.
Carly gets the first 1:1 date card and it says "let's come together" which we will understand the meaning of momentarily. Her eyebrows are a little bit over plucked and she looks perpetually surprised as a result, but Carly is my favorite since last week. She spoke openly about how a lot of guys in her past had been crummy to her, yet she maintains a bubbly, positive attitude and I want to mail her a BFF necklace cause Carly is MY GIRL. She meets up with Chris at a southwestern style house (are those called adobos? Did I make that up? Do you guys ever work with Adobe Acrobat? God that stuff needs updating friggin' every day, huh?) and they walk out to the backyard where they meet a "Love and Intimacy Mentor" (cough--wanna-be therapist who couldn't be bothered to get legitimately licensed--cough). The "Love Guru" (as Chris called her--was that a subtle promo for a much maligned Mike Myers flick? ABC loves its cross promotion!) is named a cluster of consonants and I can only assume she adopted that name after graduating from Oberlin and quitting her short term gig at the coffee house. Chris and Carly are forced to change into white tunics, rub each other, feed each other fruit and chocolate (brain surgeon Megan already did that last week--awkward!), and confess their relationship insecurities. Chris says something about his fear of not opening up and Carly brings down the house (that is, brings me to tears inside my house) by saying that she's afraid that she's not worthy of love. GURL, have you been reading transcripts of my therapist appointments for the past 8 years? I FEEL YA! Carly might be the most candid, real, heartbreaking, heartwarming, winning, lovely gal in this entire franchise.
That night once the Love Guru has disappeared (presumably to apply MORE bronzer though somebody should cut her off), Chris and Carly sip wine by a roaring fire and get shockingly honest and real for The Bachelor. I know it sounds like I'm drinking the Bach Kool Aid, but I mean it, gang! Carly shares that she never thought of herself as pretty and that her ex-boyfriend made her feel undesirable and insecure, then Chris says that he's afraid that he's "not enough" (with regard to being a small town boy/farmer). I wish that Chris Harrison had been there to say that this scene was UNPRECEDENTED in Chris and Carly's candor, vulnerability, and genuine sharing. Carly gets a rose and I say END THE SEASON! Marry this gemstone, Chris! She'll stop touring on those cruise ships for you--I know it! Also Carly, I'm sorry for joking that you looked like an adult Jean Benet Ramsey--I love you, girl!
Back at the house, Kelsey (who has gone from "diversity girl because of her short hair" to "Two Faced Psychopath" in a week's time) is sharing the story of how her ex-husband died and she's extremely casual and nonchalant about it (which Ashley I. comments on) and says that she needs alone time to tell Chris about it. I smell foreshadowing!
The next day is a group date and when Jade (brunette who had Cinderella date last week), Megan (what did she get on her SAT? Nail polish), Kaitlyn (where are all your jokes NOW, huh, Canada?), Whitney (please just don't talk), Mackenzie (I know SOMEBODY who is fired up for The X Files 3), Becca (virgin, but doesn't make a big deal about it unlike SOME baby deer I know), Samantha (she must be a joke among the producers because she has not gotten to say a WORD on camera), Ashley I. (female, non-slutty Bobbly Bottleservice), and Kelsey (Black Widow) meet Chris on the banks of the Rio Grande and it's a parade of yoga pants. Today's activity will be white water rafting and the crew is given a few warnings by a man named Sisquo (the years have NOT been good to the legendary singer of The Thong Song). Whitney scores a seat in the raft next to Chris, Jade gets thrown into the water and then rubbed down by Chris (she has a medical condition that impedes her circulation), and the ever-classy Mackenzie and Kelsey mock Jade for having bad circulation.
That night as Chris walks to the after party to meet up with the gals, he is intercepted by Jordan, a girl who was negged during week 2 and you may not even recall who she is. She was mostly drunk, blonde, and less memorable than the other drunk, blonde chick who was also sent home that same week. Jordan is not drunk for a change and she tells Chris that she drove to New Mexico from Colorado (press the button hidden in the desk! SOMEONE! Security!), says that she doesn't want to bother him (too late), and she wants to try again. Umm girl, I don't think it matters if YOU want to try again. Chris is too nice for his own good, so he lets her join the cocktail party (and enters the party arm-in-arm with Blonde Boozehound) then deals with the fallout for the rest of the night. Chris, did Rock of Love Season 3 teach us NOTHING about the dangerous ramifications of adding ladies into the mix late in the game? Finally, at the close of the cocktail party, Chris tells Jordan that she has to go home (but not before Ashley I. and Whitney can get into a tussle about how Jordan should be treated and, for once, I'm on Team Ashley). Whitney scores a rose and then Ashley kvetches to Mackenzie that Whitney "hates me and I don't even know why" while she rocks a terrible, much-too-short, white sundress thing. Ashley truly embodies the dichotomy of the virgin/whore all by herself.
Back at the hotel, Carly and Britt are hanging out and we learn that Carly NEVER showers (eww), never shaves her legs (gross), and rarely washes her hair (OK I get that). At 4:30 am that morning, Chris wakes Britt up pledge-style and we see that Britt really DOES sleep in a face full of make-up (brace yourself for a wicked break-out, girl). They drive into the desert and go on a sunrise hot air balloon ride, then spend some time back in Chris' hotel room.
The producers cut up footage of the ladies saying that Britt has admitted that she doesn't want to get married or have kids (the women are SCANDALIZED by this, and I suppose get it, but also, PLENTY of women still want love and lifeline partnership but not necessarily traditional marriage and kids) with Britt telling Chris that she wants "like 100 kids" (grody). Any way you slice it, Britt's suspect.
Suspect or not, Britt and Chris then "take a nap" (replacing "went swimming in the ocean" from Juan Pablo's season as the latest euphemism for humps). When Britt returns to the Concubine Cave, the ladies want to hear the all the details (WHY?) so Britt dishes it out: hot air balloon ride, room service, took a nap. All of the gals wish that they hadn't asked and Kelsey takes off to get dolled up and have some alone time with Chris.
Kelsey's version of "dolled up" comes straight out of the Talbots catalogue and she struts to Chris' hotel room like an irate mother going into an elementary school to reprimand her son's homeroom teacher.
She tells Chris that she's "stealing this time" and launches in on the story of her late husband (who she speaks about by his FULL NAME, which surprised me--I wonder how HIS family feels about all this). As she tells him about how Sanderson (seriously, bro?) died suddenly on a sunny day in Austin, her tear-soaked monologue is intercut with her private interviews with producers during which she says "isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing" and "I love my story." First off, wouldn't you LOVE for your late husband to be ALIVE instead of you having a story to trot out at dinner parties and on reality TV? Second, the characterization of Kelsey as a tragic widow figure who is picking up the pieces of her life via a reality TV dating show is something that the PRODUCERS should be gunning for--not Kelsey. It's as though Kelsey suffers from a disassociation from her own identity and is using the tragic circumstances of her late husband's death to craft a more interesting and multi-faceted backstory for the "character" that she plays. Is that over analytical enough for you? Either way, she's a straight-up SOCIOPATH. She also needs to learn how to use the word "ensued" and note that the proper use of "myriad" is NEVER "myriad of" but just "myriad." But I digress. Kelsey and Chris share a super awkward, forced first kiss after she's done talking about her dead first love. Creepy.
Finally it's cocktail party time and the 11 ladies are like a sea of short dresses and booties (very on trend!), but of course Ashley I. is wearing a GOWN. When will she break out a tiara, I wonder? Samantha (brunette mystery lady who has yet to speak ONE WORD on camera) finally gets a line about how she's excited or nervous or something. Britt, Whitney, and Carly have roses from the week's events, so they are definitely safe. Whitney comments that Kelsey seems strangely confident and Black Widow (White Widow?) insinuates that she will definitely NOT be on the receiving end of rejection tonight just before Chris arrives. He greets the women, reveals that Kelsey came to his room earlier (Aww snap! Prince Farming sings like a BIRD!), then gets choked up and walks off. The girls are shocked/awed/pissed/suspicious and Kelsey tries to explain herself, saying that she needed to talk to Chris privately in order to "honor her story" (oh SHUT UP, girl). Ashley laments that SHE doesn't have some big, sad story to share and she's pissed about that because the show has become a "comparison game of sad stories" (you're right, but you're still a moron). Kelsey has another trick up her sleeve, though, and it's a crying/screaming/mewling tantrum (something she is lucid enough to clearly describe to the random passer-by as a "panic attack") on the floor. A panic attack is super convenient because no one knows quite what one looks like. I don't mean to downplay people who truly suffer from panic attacks, but from Kelsey, I just aint buying it.
The episode ends with a black screen that says "To Be Continued..." and a preview of tons of tears next week. As far as episode 5 goes, Britt & Kelsey, I've said it before and I'll say it again: YA SUSPECT.
I'll keep this quick since my recap is so late. I'm sorry, sweet lovers.
Carly gets the first 1:1 date card and it says "let's come together" which we will understand the meaning of momentarily. Her eyebrows are a little bit over plucked and she looks perpetually surprised as a result, but Carly is my favorite since last week. She spoke openly about how a lot of guys in her past had been crummy to her, yet she maintains a bubbly, positive attitude and I want to mail her a BFF necklace cause Carly is MY GIRL. She meets up with Chris at a southwestern style house (are those called adobos? Did I make that up? Do you guys ever work with Adobe Acrobat? God that stuff needs updating friggin' every day, huh?) and they walk out to the backyard where they meet a "Love and Intimacy Mentor" (cough--wanna-be therapist who couldn't be bothered to get legitimately licensed--cough). The "Love Guru" (as Chris called her--was that a subtle promo for a much maligned Mike Myers flick? ABC loves its cross promotion!) is named a cluster of consonants and I can only assume she adopted that name after graduating from Oberlin and quitting her short term gig at the coffee house. Chris and Carly are forced to change into white tunics, rub each other, feed each other fruit and chocolate (brain surgeon Megan already did that last week--awkward!), and confess their relationship insecurities. Chris says something about his fear of not opening up and Carly brings down the house (that is, brings me to tears inside my house) by saying that she's afraid that she's not worthy of love. GURL, have you been reading transcripts of my therapist appointments for the past 8 years? I FEEL YA! Carly might be the most candid, real, heartbreaking, heartwarming, winning, lovely gal in this entire franchise.
That night once the Love Guru has disappeared (presumably to apply MORE bronzer though somebody should cut her off), Chris and Carly sip wine by a roaring fire and get shockingly honest and real for The Bachelor. I know it sounds like I'm drinking the Bach Kool Aid, but I mean it, gang! Carly shares that she never thought of herself as pretty and that her ex-boyfriend made her feel undesirable and insecure, then Chris says that he's afraid that he's "not enough" (with regard to being a small town boy/farmer). I wish that Chris Harrison had been there to say that this scene was UNPRECEDENTED in Chris and Carly's candor, vulnerability, and genuine sharing. Carly gets a rose and I say END THE SEASON! Marry this gemstone, Chris! She'll stop touring on those cruise ships for you--I know it! Also Carly, I'm sorry for joking that you looked like an adult Jean Benet Ramsey--I love you, girl!
Back at the house, Kelsey (who has gone from "diversity girl because of her short hair" to "Two Faced Psychopath" in a week's time) is sharing the story of how her ex-husband died and she's extremely casual and nonchalant about it (which Ashley I. comments on) and says that she needs alone time to tell Chris about it. I smell foreshadowing!
The next day is a group date and when Jade (brunette who had Cinderella date last week), Megan (what did she get on her SAT? Nail polish), Kaitlyn (where are all your jokes NOW, huh, Canada?), Whitney (please just don't talk), Mackenzie (I know SOMEBODY who is fired up for The X Files 3), Becca (virgin, but doesn't make a big deal about it unlike SOME baby deer I know), Samantha (she must be a joke among the producers because she has not gotten to say a WORD on camera), Ashley I. (female, non-slutty Bobbly Bottleservice), and Kelsey (Black Widow) meet Chris on the banks of the Rio Grande and it's a parade of yoga pants. Today's activity will be white water rafting and the crew is given a few warnings by a man named Sisquo (the years have NOT been good to the legendary singer of The Thong Song). Whitney scores a seat in the raft next to Chris, Jade gets thrown into the water and then rubbed down by Chris (she has a medical condition that impedes her circulation), and the ever-classy Mackenzie and Kelsey mock Jade for having bad circulation.
That night as Chris walks to the after party to meet up with the gals, he is intercepted by Jordan, a girl who was negged during week 2 and you may not even recall who she is. She was mostly drunk, blonde, and less memorable than the other drunk, blonde chick who was also sent home that same week. Jordan is not drunk for a change and she tells Chris that she drove to New Mexico from Colorado (press the button hidden in the desk! SOMEONE! Security!), says that she doesn't want to bother him (too late), and she wants to try again. Umm girl, I don't think it matters if YOU want to try again. Chris is too nice for his own good, so he lets her join the cocktail party (and enters the party arm-in-arm with Blonde Boozehound) then deals with the fallout for the rest of the night. Chris, did Rock of Love Season 3 teach us NOTHING about the dangerous ramifications of adding ladies into the mix late in the game? Finally, at the close of the cocktail party, Chris tells Jordan that she has to go home (but not before Ashley I. and Whitney can get into a tussle about how Jordan should be treated and, for once, I'm on Team Ashley). Whitney scores a rose and then Ashley kvetches to Mackenzie that Whitney "hates me and I don't even know why" while she rocks a terrible, much-too-short, white sundress thing. Ashley truly embodies the dichotomy of the virgin/whore all by herself.
Back at the hotel, Carly and Britt are hanging out and we learn that Carly NEVER showers (eww), never shaves her legs (gross), and rarely washes her hair (OK I get that). At 4:30 am that morning, Chris wakes Britt up pledge-style and we see that Britt really DOES sleep in a face full of make-up (brace yourself for a wicked break-out, girl). They drive into the desert and go on a sunrise hot air balloon ride, then spend some time back in Chris' hotel room.
The producers cut up footage of the ladies saying that Britt has admitted that she doesn't want to get married or have kids (the women are SCANDALIZED by this, and I suppose get it, but also, PLENTY of women still want love and lifeline partnership but not necessarily traditional marriage and kids) with Britt telling Chris that she wants "like 100 kids" (grody). Any way you slice it, Britt's suspect. Suspect or not, Britt and Chris then "take a nap" (replacing "went swimming in the ocean" from Juan Pablo's season as the latest euphemism for humps). When Britt returns to the Concubine Cave, the ladies want to hear the all the details (WHY?) so Britt dishes it out: hot air balloon ride, room service, took a nap. All of the gals wish that they hadn't asked and Kelsey takes off to get dolled up and have some alone time with Chris.
Kelsey's version of "dolled up" comes straight out of the Talbots catalogue and she struts to Chris' hotel room like an irate mother going into an elementary school to reprimand her son's homeroom teacher.
 |
| Knock Knock, Chris! Sexy Kelsey coming through! |
She tells Chris that she's "stealing this time" and launches in on the story of her late husband (who she speaks about by his FULL NAME, which surprised me--I wonder how HIS family feels about all this). As she tells him about how Sanderson (seriously, bro?) died suddenly on a sunny day in Austin, her tear-soaked monologue is intercut with her private interviews with producers during which she says "isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing" and "I love my story." First off, wouldn't you LOVE for your late husband to be ALIVE instead of you having a story to trot out at dinner parties and on reality TV? Second, the characterization of Kelsey as a tragic widow figure who is picking up the pieces of her life via a reality TV dating show is something that the PRODUCERS should be gunning for--not Kelsey. It's as though Kelsey suffers from a disassociation from her own identity and is using the tragic circumstances of her late husband's death to craft a more interesting and multi-faceted backstory for the "character" that she plays. Is that over analytical enough for you? Either way, she's a straight-up SOCIOPATH. She also needs to learn how to use the word "ensued" and note that the proper use of "myriad" is NEVER "myriad of" but just "myriad." But I digress. Kelsey and Chris share a super awkward, forced first kiss after she's done talking about her dead first love. Creepy.
Finally it's cocktail party time and the 11 ladies are like a sea of short dresses and booties (very on trend!), but of course Ashley I. is wearing a GOWN. When will she break out a tiara, I wonder? Samantha (brunette mystery lady who has yet to speak ONE WORD on camera) finally gets a line about how she's excited or nervous or something. Britt, Whitney, and Carly have roses from the week's events, so they are definitely safe. Whitney comments that Kelsey seems strangely confident and Black Widow (White Widow?) insinuates that she will definitely NOT be on the receiving end of rejection tonight just before Chris arrives. He greets the women, reveals that Kelsey came to his room earlier (Aww snap! Prince Farming sings like a BIRD!), then gets choked up and walks off. The girls are shocked/awed/pissed/suspicious and Kelsey tries to explain herself, saying that she needed to talk to Chris privately in order to "honor her story" (oh SHUT UP, girl). Ashley laments that SHE doesn't have some big, sad story to share and she's pissed about that because the show has become a "comparison game of sad stories" (you're right, but you're still a moron). Kelsey has another trick up her sleeve, though, and it's a crying/screaming/mewling tantrum (something she is lucid enough to clearly describe to the random passer-by as a "panic attack") on the floor. A panic attack is super convenient because no one knows quite what one looks like. I don't mean to downplay people who truly suffer from panic attacks, but from Kelsey, I just aint buying it.
The episode ends with a black screen that says "To Be Continued..." and a preview of tons of tears next week. As far as episode 5 goes, Britt & Kelsey, I've said it before and I'll say it again: YA SUSPECT.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Ep 5 recap to come!
LOVERS!
I had a show last night, so I didn't get to watch Bach in real time :( From what I saw on social media, it was a DOOZY! Apparently Megan reminded us that she's the resident idiot (recall that in the last episode she didn't realize that humans possess 5 senses) and Kelsey secured her spot in the Two Face Hall of Fame. I'll watch tonight and recap very soon, lovelies! I might also do a 30 second video recap--time to step up my recap game! Stay tuned! xoxo
I had a show last night, so I didn't get to watch Bach in real time :( From what I saw on social media, it was a DOOZY! Apparently Megan reminded us that she's the resident idiot (recall that in the last episode she didn't realize that humans possess 5 senses) and Kelsey secured her spot in the Two Face Hall of Fame. I'll watch tonight and recap very soon, lovelies! I might also do a 30 second video recap--time to step up my recap game! Stay tuned! xoxo
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 4: We Get It, You're A Virgin!
It's that time in the season when the episodes get juicier and more exciting and I lose my ability to crank our recaps quickly. I'm sorry! We got hit with a weirdo storm and I have had a ton of gigs--there are just too many good things going on in my vida loca!
So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).
Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters. Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard! (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)
The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband), Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow). The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7. It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth. Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't. They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.
Ashley I. is looking for a way to "break out of her shyness" and she finds it in taking off her American flag bikini top and jumping off the floating dock. Kaitlyn follows suit (NO PUN INTENDED BUT OMG HOW MUCH DO I RULE WITH THE SWIMSUIT JOKES?) and strips off her bikini bottoms before jumping in the water. Short haired Kelsey is NOT happy and says that this is a date made for bimbos. She says that there are better lakes in Michigan and refers to this one as a "hell hole" (hey, at least you know where you stand in a HELL HOLE, right?), she'd like to stab herself in the eye with a fork, and then gets stung by a bee right in the crotch area. Somebody has had a lil too much birthday. We're seeing the first seeds of Two Faced Kelsey emerge--she's whiney and negative around he girls but turns on the charm in front of Chris. Aha--one of you appears every season--it's just a matter of who will play that role.
Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT! As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).
That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight. Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice. In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!). Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.
While these ladies are getting the smell of campfire embedded into their expertly-curled hair, back at the house Chris' 3 sisters Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa are interviewing the housebound ladies. The sisters are tough interviewers and don't pull any punches, inquiring about the girls' dating histories and willingness to move to Iowa. Jade admits that she's a model (but recently launched a make-up line), Britt says that she sees herself as the front runner, and Carly wins my heart by getting emotional and saying that guys haven't been very nice to her, as far as dating goes. Oh girl. I get you SO MUCH. I'm sorry I ever mocked you, sweet cruise ship performer. If you want to hear ME get emotional about how guys weren't very nice to me, listen to my episode of RISK here. But I digress!
I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor. Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes. Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date. Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?
Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform. Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before. They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).
The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course. The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt. Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).
During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys). She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl! You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!
Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating. She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!
Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously! Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it? She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears. During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal. Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you. Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!
Finally it's rose ceremony time. Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses. Who will live to see another week chez Bach?
Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)? We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!
So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby). Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical. I can't wait!
So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).
Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters. Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard! (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)
The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband), Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow). The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7. It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth. Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't. They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.
 |
| Hi, I'm Kelsey! Just a bubbly Austin gal who HATES THESE BIMBOS! |
Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT! As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).
That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight. Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice. In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!). Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.
 |
| Hi, I'm Ashley I. and I used to be an awkward nerd, if you can believe it. |
I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor. Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes. Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date. Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?
Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform. Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before. They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).
The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course. The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt. Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).
During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys). She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl! You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!
Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating. She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!
Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously! Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it? She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears. During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal. Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you. Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!
Finally it's rose ceremony time. Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses. Who will live to see another week chez Bach?
Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)? We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!
So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby). Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical. I can't wait!
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 3: Coachella Style & Jimmy Kimmel
On Monday night Jimmy Kimmel weaseled his way into a full episode of The Bachelor and he managed to make Bachelor Nation AND the participants in this show laugh while mocking the reality TV institution that we all love.
Kimmel referred to the women as "sister wives" (zing), made a joke about sleeping with each of them (spicy for ABC around 8:00pm), and instituted an Amazing Jar where everyone had to deposit a dollar for each time they uttered the chronically overused word "amazing." I'm a sucker for a silly jar, though I'm partial to a Swearing Jar.
The first date of the episode goes to Kaitlyn (the Canadian "comedian") and having a real comedian on set seemed to make Kaitlyn stop telling bad jokes. She broke out a Pearl Jam chic look for their date--a shopping trip to Costco. Jimmy Kimmel sent them on the date, saying the he wanted them to have a normal activity as a date. I can't WAIT for the date during which they read a People Magazine from 6 months ago in a dentist's waiting room then get an oil change! Prince Farming and Kaitlyn had as much fun as you can have in a Costco and Chris kept marveling at how well she rolled with the punches. Well, what else is she going to do? Have a princess meltdown while the cameras roll? OF COURSE she rolled with the punches!
That evening they prepare dinner for themselves and Jimmy Kimmel and then sit down for a dinner that gave me flashbacks to Elimidate. Kimmel breaks out the hard-hitting questions ("have you dated a farmer before?" "have you dated a Canadian before?") in between his homoerotic jokes aimed at Chris. Kimmel also pulls no punches about what goes on in the Fantasy Suite and Kaitlyn says that you need to test drive a car before you buy it. For that she earns a rose!
Up next is a group date and the crew is Britt (Ariana Grande), Jillian (super competitive false eyelash addict who may or may not have a hairy bum), Becca (great hair, slow burn), Tracey (hasn't said much since she ragged on "crazy cat ladies"), Mackenzie (whose son is named the 2013 version of Brussel Sprouts), Kelsey (short haired widow), Juelia (long haired widow), Amber (pretty, slow burn), Ashley S. (in the midst of a breakdown but still holding out for a hero 'till the morning light), Samantha (dark hair, personality?), Nikki (was once a professional cheerleader, is now an... unemployed dancer?), and Carly (cruise ship singer blonde).
The group date that Jimmy Kimmel has supposedly planned is a Hoedown Throwdown. The girls will compete in 5 challenges: corn shucking, egg finding and cooking, goat milking and drinking, manure shoveling, and pig wrangling. The corn shucking should be the easiest part, but Tracey immediately shouts, "this is hard" as Jillian bursts ahead because she's SUPER COMPETITIVE. (Sidenote: if you are a self-described SUPER COMPETITIVE person, I hate you. I have never understood people who are competitive. Who cares? About any of it?) Jillian and her daisy dukes aren't in the lead for long, as Carly the cruise ship entertainer comes from behind the win the whole thing! I didn't think that ANYONE would be able to wrangle a pig, but who knows what they do on cruise ships that prepared Carly for that task. Her "prize" is that she gets to pose for an American Gothic-style photo with Chris (and based on Carly's blank facial expressions upon seeing the backdrop and props, girl is NOT familiar with that painting). In old timey glasses and overalls, Chris goes from Prince Farming to Williamsburg Hipster and I am not a fan. Bring back the beefcake, please!
That night at the after party Carly is feeling confident and she leans in to kiss Chris after saying, "you're a man... and I'm a woman..." and I wish she had launched in on a list ("and those people over there are also women, and Jamie Lee Curtis was allegedly born a hermaphrodite but became a woman, and that greenery over there is a plant..."). Mackenzie is 21 going on 14 as she confronts Chris about how many girls he has been kissing. She promptly regrets confront him about it, says she feels stupid, and hopes that he isn't mad at her (mad for expressing how you feel?). Girl, it's time to have your own back. Your feelings are valid because yes, it's hard to watch your crush mack it to other women but ALSO you are on a TV show whose entire premise is that. Maybe time for a lil journaling? Good Lord I'm here to make fun of you--WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME, READERS? Becca gets some alone time with Chris and makes a fantastic impression (atta girl!) which results in a rose for the girl with the great blondish/brownish hair. Sorry, Carly and Kelsey--you ladies chugged warm, unpasteurized goat milk for NOTHING!
Whitney (blonde with a voice like a nasal nightmare and a dopey sense of humor) scores a one-on-one date and they head to a winery. She's rocking a cool statement necklace beneath a sleeveless jean jacket and it looks cute, but a sleeveless jean jacket will always remind me of The Outsiders.
As they sip wine, Whitney asks Chris what he wants and he responds that he wants an easygoing, genuine girl who can go with the flow (he phrases it "roll the cow" or "roll the cab" or something equally strange). Whitney starts a conversational song and dance through which she attempts to prove that she's easygoing and down-to-Earth but the effect is exactly the opposite. Over their shoulders an outdoor wedding is just starting and as soon as they spot it, Whitney unleashes a hat trick of stunningly dumb and selfish things:
-she immediately suggests that they crash the wedding
-she tries to bolster her case by saying "YOLO" as in "you only live once" in the way that utter morons share that conceit
-she says "there's just something about weddings that's very romantic." SOMETHING. Whatever could it be? That's like saying that there's just SOMETHING about a steak house that is very meaty!
So the two a-holes (I'm sorry, but wedding crashing is just SO tacky and crummy) get dressed up, get a gift (isn't the entire point of wedding crashing that you are essentially stealing free drinks from strangers without contributing anything?), and head into the party. They feel foolishly protected by their story: they finished shooting the show, got married, and now they are an engaged couple. Good story, but umm... you guys STILL aren't invited to this wedding. Chris is thoroughly impressed by Whitney's ability to sell lie after lie into the faces of well-meaning strangers (great quality in a life partner!) and he gives her a rose saying, "this won't be the last wedding Whitney and I crash if we get married." Huh? For a woman who doesn't want a traditional wedding EVER, I have very strong feelings about wedding crashing and I think it's the most chickenshit, faux "I'm zany" bullshit you can ever pull. Le fin.
The next day it's pool party time and everyone except Ashley I. and Mackenzie is fired up ("this is the most best day ever!" -Megan). The ladies are deep into Coachella style with the number of sparkly headband things being outdone only by the number of sets of fake eyelashes. Aint nobody dunking their heads at THIS pool party! The sun is shining, the women circling Chris are being compared to sharks by Kaitlyn, and the drinks are flowing--what better time to pull Chris aside and tell him about the suicide of your ex-husband than today, thinks Juelia! No day but TODAAAAAY (#rent)! Admittedly, I'm not sure WHEN there is a good time to talk about heavy stuff with a hottie who you hardly know while cameras roll, but poolside just felt a bit odd. Britt and Chris make out hard, then Chris walks Jade down to his house to give her a tour of his house (and bed--HONK!). While Chris and Jade canoodle in the house, Jillian lays in wait in the hot tub and as I said on Twitter, the girl who waits for you in the hot tub is the girl who will wear your skin as a shirt someday. Chris joins Jillian in the hot tub and their conversation mostly consists of Jillian saying "like" every third word. Mackenzie, Ashley I., and Megan join them but then opt to give the couple some alone time, naively thinking that they will each take turns having one-on-one time with Chris. Super competitive Jillian isn't about to play nice (of course she't not) and Ashley I. becomes upset when she realizes that Jillian won't be sharing the spotlight. Ashley I. heads back to her mansion to wallow in her sadness and perhaps confide in Ashley S. (Ashleys helping Ashleys (TM)) but she is soon disrupted by Chris who has come to find her and shove his tongue down her throat as they practically fall off the upstairs patio. Love conquers all!
The rose ceremony is up next and after her game of tonsil hockey with Chris, Ashley I. says that she would "very much appreciate being picked early in the rose ceremony" and I assume she must be a fan of Bobby Bottleservice because she talks just like him! Wow, for a girl who works as a "freelance journalist" (though I'm sure she means "unemployed English major with a tumblr") she has terrible speaking and writing skills! Before you know it, the girls are lined up in cocktail dresses and Jimmy Kimmel is giving Chris a pep talk about how silly all of this is. Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses so they are safe. Who scores a rose and lives to see another week in the Bach Manse?
Jade - did you notice her tan bra when she visited Chris's house? What was that about?
Samantha - I hope she grows a personality/voice box one of these weeks!
Juelia - seems like a cool girl and now her whole story is out, which must be a relief for her.
Mackenzie - that girl is so friggin' 21: "the only thing that matters is that Chris isn't upset with me somehow!"
Kelsey - was her dress made of scraps of old, grey sweatpants?
Britt - that day glo pink dress isn't doing ANYBODY any favors, even Brit.
Megan - holy cleavage and fuscia lips, Megan! She looks like a blonde Jessica Rabbit!
Carly - is that a dress or wallpaper that you have fashioned into a top?
Ashley S. - is she back on her meds? She seems functional this episode--what is going on here?
Nikki - how about you bring something to the table sometime soon, K?
Jillian - that fantastic blue, lace dress makes up for the fact that you're a nightmare.
Ashley I. - she WOULD HAVE very much appreciated an early rose, but she didn't get one. She's still in the game, though.
Who just became a footnote in the Wikipedia entry about Bachelor Season 19?
Amber - perhaps suggesting that Chris slow dance with you and that you both "pretend it's our wedding" is a bit much?
Tracey - awww snap the girl who wouldn't shut up about how sad an adult, single woman is has now become an adult, single woman who got negged on network TV! The calls are coming from inside the house!
Trina - you've got beautiful blonde hair--you'll be fine, girl.
Next week we learn something that Mackenzie cares about a LOT, for whatever reason: there are TWO virgins inside the Bachelor manse!! Get ready for a season finale of bloody sheets hung out the windows! (Too much?)
Kimmel referred to the women as "sister wives" (zing), made a joke about sleeping with each of them (spicy for ABC around 8:00pm), and instituted an Amazing Jar where everyone had to deposit a dollar for each time they uttered the chronically overused word "amazing." I'm a sucker for a silly jar, though I'm partial to a Swearing Jar.
The first date of the episode goes to Kaitlyn (the Canadian "comedian") and having a real comedian on set seemed to make Kaitlyn stop telling bad jokes. She broke out a Pearl Jam chic look for their date--a shopping trip to Costco. Jimmy Kimmel sent them on the date, saying the he wanted them to have a normal activity as a date. I can't WAIT for the date during which they read a People Magazine from 6 months ago in a dentist's waiting room then get an oil change! Prince Farming and Kaitlyn had as much fun as you can have in a Costco and Chris kept marveling at how well she rolled with the punches. Well, what else is she going to do? Have a princess meltdown while the cameras roll? OF COURSE she rolled with the punches!
That evening they prepare dinner for themselves and Jimmy Kimmel and then sit down for a dinner that gave me flashbacks to Elimidate. Kimmel breaks out the hard-hitting questions ("have you dated a farmer before?" "have you dated a Canadian before?") in between his homoerotic jokes aimed at Chris. Kimmel also pulls no punches about what goes on in the Fantasy Suite and Kaitlyn says that you need to test drive a car before you buy it. For that she earns a rose!
Up next is a group date and the crew is Britt (Ariana Grande), Jillian (super competitive false eyelash addict who may or may not have a hairy bum), Becca (great hair, slow burn), Tracey (hasn't said much since she ragged on "crazy cat ladies"), Mackenzie (whose son is named the 2013 version of Brussel Sprouts), Kelsey (short haired widow), Juelia (long haired widow), Amber (pretty, slow burn), Ashley S. (in the midst of a breakdown but still holding out for a hero 'till the morning light), Samantha (dark hair, personality?), Nikki (was once a professional cheerleader, is now an... unemployed dancer?), and Carly (cruise ship singer blonde).
The group date that Jimmy Kimmel has supposedly planned is a Hoedown Throwdown. The girls will compete in 5 challenges: corn shucking, egg finding and cooking, goat milking and drinking, manure shoveling, and pig wrangling. The corn shucking should be the easiest part, but Tracey immediately shouts, "this is hard" as Jillian bursts ahead because she's SUPER COMPETITIVE. (Sidenote: if you are a self-described SUPER COMPETITIVE person, I hate you. I have never understood people who are competitive. Who cares? About any of it?) Jillian and her daisy dukes aren't in the lead for long, as Carly the cruise ship entertainer comes from behind the win the whole thing! I didn't think that ANYONE would be able to wrangle a pig, but who knows what they do on cruise ships that prepared Carly for that task. Her "prize" is that she gets to pose for an American Gothic-style photo with Chris (and based on Carly's blank facial expressions upon seeing the backdrop and props, girl is NOT familiar with that painting). In old timey glasses and overalls, Chris goes from Prince Farming to Williamsburg Hipster and I am not a fan. Bring back the beefcake, please!
That night at the after party Carly is feeling confident and she leans in to kiss Chris after saying, "you're a man... and I'm a woman..." and I wish she had launched in on a list ("and those people over there are also women, and Jamie Lee Curtis was allegedly born a hermaphrodite but became a woman, and that greenery over there is a plant..."). Mackenzie is 21 going on 14 as she confronts Chris about how many girls he has been kissing. She promptly regrets confront him about it, says she feels stupid, and hopes that he isn't mad at her (mad for expressing how you feel?). Girl, it's time to have your own back. Your feelings are valid because yes, it's hard to watch your crush mack it to other women but ALSO you are on a TV show whose entire premise is that. Maybe time for a lil journaling? Good Lord I'm here to make fun of you--WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME, READERS? Becca gets some alone time with Chris and makes a fantastic impression (atta girl!) which results in a rose for the girl with the great blondish/brownish hair. Sorry, Carly and Kelsey--you ladies chugged warm, unpasteurized goat milk for NOTHING!
Whitney (blonde with a voice like a nasal nightmare and a dopey sense of humor) scores a one-on-one date and they head to a winery. She's rocking a cool statement necklace beneath a sleeveless jean jacket and it looks cute, but a sleeveless jean jacket will always remind me of The Outsiders.
 |
| My name is Whitney and I make babies for a living. HONK! |
As they sip wine, Whitney asks Chris what he wants and he responds that he wants an easygoing, genuine girl who can go with the flow (he phrases it "roll the cow" or "roll the cab" or something equally strange). Whitney starts a conversational song and dance through which she attempts to prove that she's easygoing and down-to-Earth but the effect is exactly the opposite. Over their shoulders an outdoor wedding is just starting and as soon as they spot it, Whitney unleashes a hat trick of stunningly dumb and selfish things:
-she immediately suggests that they crash the wedding
-she tries to bolster her case by saying "YOLO" as in "you only live once" in the way that utter morons share that conceit
-she says "there's just something about weddings that's very romantic." SOMETHING. Whatever could it be? That's like saying that there's just SOMETHING about a steak house that is very meaty!
So the two a-holes (I'm sorry, but wedding crashing is just SO tacky and crummy) get dressed up, get a gift (isn't the entire point of wedding crashing that you are essentially stealing free drinks from strangers without contributing anything?), and head into the party. They feel foolishly protected by their story: they finished shooting the show, got married, and now they are an engaged couple. Good story, but umm... you guys STILL aren't invited to this wedding. Chris is thoroughly impressed by Whitney's ability to sell lie after lie into the faces of well-meaning strangers (great quality in a life partner!) and he gives her a rose saying, "this won't be the last wedding Whitney and I crash if we get married." Huh? For a woman who doesn't want a traditional wedding EVER, I have very strong feelings about wedding crashing and I think it's the most chickenshit, faux "I'm zany" bullshit you can ever pull. Le fin.
The next day it's pool party time and everyone except Ashley I. and Mackenzie is fired up ("this is the most best day ever!" -Megan). The ladies are deep into Coachella style with the number of sparkly headband things being outdone only by the number of sets of fake eyelashes. Aint nobody dunking their heads at THIS pool party! The sun is shining, the women circling Chris are being compared to sharks by Kaitlyn, and the drinks are flowing--what better time to pull Chris aside and tell him about the suicide of your ex-husband than today, thinks Juelia! No day but TODAAAAAY (#rent)! Admittedly, I'm not sure WHEN there is a good time to talk about heavy stuff with a hottie who you hardly know while cameras roll, but poolside just felt a bit odd. Britt and Chris make out hard, then Chris walks Jade down to his house to give her a tour of his house (and bed--HONK!). While Chris and Jade canoodle in the house, Jillian lays in wait in the hot tub and as I said on Twitter, the girl who waits for you in the hot tub is the girl who will wear your skin as a shirt someday. Chris joins Jillian in the hot tub and their conversation mostly consists of Jillian saying "like" every third word. Mackenzie, Ashley I., and Megan join them but then opt to give the couple some alone time, naively thinking that they will each take turns having one-on-one time with Chris. Super competitive Jillian isn't about to play nice (of course she't not) and Ashley I. becomes upset when she realizes that Jillian won't be sharing the spotlight. Ashley I. heads back to her mansion to wallow in her sadness and perhaps confide in Ashley S. (Ashleys helping Ashleys (TM)) but she is soon disrupted by Chris who has come to find her and shove his tongue down her throat as they practically fall off the upstairs patio. Love conquers all!
The rose ceremony is up next and after her game of tonsil hockey with Chris, Ashley I. says that she would "very much appreciate being picked early in the rose ceremony" and I assume she must be a fan of Bobby Bottleservice because she talks just like him! Wow, for a girl who works as a "freelance journalist" (though I'm sure she means "unemployed English major with a tumblr") she has terrible speaking and writing skills! Before you know it, the girls are lined up in cocktail dresses and Jimmy Kimmel is giving Chris a pep talk about how silly all of this is. Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney already have roses so they are safe. Who scores a rose and lives to see another week in the Bach Manse?
Jade - did you notice her tan bra when she visited Chris's house? What was that about?
Samantha - I hope she grows a personality/voice box one of these weeks!
Juelia - seems like a cool girl and now her whole story is out, which must be a relief for her.
Mackenzie - that girl is so friggin' 21: "the only thing that matters is that Chris isn't upset with me somehow!"
Kelsey - was her dress made of scraps of old, grey sweatpants?
Britt - that day glo pink dress isn't doing ANYBODY any favors, even Brit.
Megan - holy cleavage and fuscia lips, Megan! She looks like a blonde Jessica Rabbit!
Carly - is that a dress or wallpaper that you have fashioned into a top?
Ashley S. - is she back on her meds? She seems functional this episode--what is going on here?
Nikki - how about you bring something to the table sometime soon, K?
Jillian - that fantastic blue, lace dress makes up for the fact that you're a nightmare.
Ashley I. - she WOULD HAVE very much appreciated an early rose, but she didn't get one. She's still in the game, though.
 |
| The man, the myth, the legend: BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE |
 |
| Ashley I. aka Wanna Be Bobby Bottlservice who VERY MUCH APPRECIATES things. |
Who just became a footnote in the Wikipedia entry about Bachelor Season 19?
Amber - perhaps suggesting that Chris slow dance with you and that you both "pretend it's our wedding" is a bit much?
Tracey - awww snap the girl who wouldn't shut up about how sad an adult, single woman is has now become an adult, single woman who got negged on network TV! The calls are coming from inside the house!
Trina - you've got beautiful blonde hair--you'll be fine, girl.
Next week we learn something that Mackenzie cares about a LOT, for whatever reason: there are TWO virgins inside the Bachelor manse!! Get ready for a season finale of bloody sheets hung out the windows! (Too much?)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)