Hi pals!
After the close of Desiree's season of The Bachelorette, my life lost all meaning (cause I had no more snarky recaps to write) and I didn't have the heart to blog. So I spent my free time chilling at the beach, drinking fresh brews, and working on my biceps. But now I'm back here on the 'ole blog and tanner than ever!
Today I want to share a story that I told at a live RISK! show in June of this year at The PIT in NYC. RISK! is a wonderful storytelling show and podcast that is hosted by the brilliant Kevin Allison (alum of that killer sketch show The State). Kevin and his team (JC, Michelle) are amazing and they produce a phenomenal live show and then take many of those recordings and craft them into a brilliant podcast. I'm in this week's episode (along with some other amazing storytellers and musicians) and I couldn't be prouder. Take a listen here. I'm the last story.
Hope you're having a great summer! xoxo
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Finale Recap
Last night, America endured 3 hours of UNPRECEDENTED Bachelorette madness and the finale included everything we love: long, tear-stained walks through the jungle, belly tops, and KISSING!
The episode started off with Chris Harrison in a studio filled with shrieking Bach fans (what he would call residents of "Bachelor Nation") and our fearless host set the scene: the last time we saw Des, she was wearing a belly top and weeping on the end of a pier in Antigua. Then it cut back to Desiree in paradise talking about the Brooks break-up. Desiree rocks a peach dress with turquoise necklace and stares off at either the Caribbean Sea or the Atlantic Ocean, depending on which direction she was facing (though I'd be surprised if Des could see ANYTHING from beneath her fake eyelashes). She's still upset and says that it broke her heart that Brooks doesn't love her. In walks my new favorite therapist, Chris Harrison, and they sit down for a chat. Des holds it together until Chris asks her how she's doing, when she starts crying HARD. Ever the gentleman, Chris stays quiet and lets her cry it out (much like my favorite interventionist from A&E's "Intervention," Jeff VanVonderen. Rest in Peace, Intervention! There's a whole lot of people who love you like crazy, to quote JVV). Chris wisely points out that Des is upset about rejection from by the ONLY guy who held back from her (seriously, Chris Harrison: if you're reading this, you must pursue a life of doling out gentle tough love to women who like a-holes. I'll be your first client!). Des continues with the histrionics, saying that she wants to go home, but within a few minutes she has composed herself and she's ready to move forward. PHEW! Man oh man, that 30 seconds of super weepy Des footage was used EVERYWHERE in ads for this season! And it was over in a moment!
Since Bach is all about formal ceremonies, there WILL be a rose ceremony that day, with 2 roses to hand out and 2 guys showing up. I'm no mathematician, but I think that those are some good odds! There must be something in the water in Antigua, because when Drew and Chris arrive to the rose ceremony they are both looking HOT (maybe it's the suit-no-tie casual look at they both rocked?). The boys line up and Des explains to them that Brooks left of his own volition, then she starts crying. She pulls an Ashley and says that she'll be handing out these two roses, but that if the guys don't want to be there "let me know!" (Why is it that in EVERY Bachelorette season, there's a sense of "thank you for being here--do you really like me?" when in Bachelor seasons, the feeling is always "you're lucky to be here--I'm the decider" ya know? We'll need to go back to Women's Studies 101 to tackle that issue, I know.) So they have the most awkward, overly formal 3 person rose ceremony of all time and--shocker--Drew & Chris both get roses.
Then we are subjected to so much in-studio time wasting. I don't give a rat's ass what these random seat fillers think of all this! What is this, an episode of Donahue!? Get me back to paradise and let the tears FLOW!
Soon we're back in Antigua and Des is getting dressed in a bikini top, then belly top. You know what goes great with a belly top? UNRELENTING TEARS. Put that one in your back pocket, pussycats. Des mounts a horse and meets up with Drew (who is wearing regrettable purple shorts) so that they can ride horses down to the beach and look like the cover of a harlequin romance novel. They get to the beach, sit down for drinks, and in a move that seemed SUPER forced (maybe because he could sense Des pulling away), Drew overdoes it with a toast, saying, "to being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else." Des then drops the words that NO ONE EVER wants to hear, "I need to talk to you..." and then gurl gets a little harsh, adding, "especially after that." OUCH! Poor man's Katie Holmes is about to drop Drew like the real Katie Holmes dropped T. Cruise! (Only with fewer lawyers and no high heel wearing children involved.) I can speak for Bachelor Nation when I say that we were all BLINDSIDED by this development (and that we should probably secure our borders, recruit an army, develop a national currency--things that any nation must do). Des starts crying again, saying that she'd be so lucky to have Drew in her life and she feels like something is missing with him. Drew stoically takes it all in (like a true 1950s leading man) and responds with such grace and humility, saying that Desiree doesn't have to apologize for not being in love with him. Aww Drew! You are GOOD at getting dumped and I'm sorry for that, sweetheart! Ever the strong man, Drew hugs her goodbye then walks away. He says that he's crushed, confused and now he'll have to start over. Goodbye, sweet pussycat.
The next day, Des and Chris have a date, but Chris Harrison wants us to think that Des might dump him, too, because this shiz is unprecedented and ALL BETS ARE OFF! Desiree rocks a bikini top and flowing skirt (good look) and meets Chris for a day of kissing and canoodling on a catamaran (I hate myself for writing that, but it just flowed out of me). Des says that her feelings were "clouded" because of Brooks, but I think what she means to say is that her first pick isn't there anymore, so congrats Chris--you're getting pulled up from the JV squad and getting put in the game as a starter! Hope you don't mind wearing the old guy's mouthguard & uniform and accepting the nickname "Sloppy Seconds" (too harsh?). I'll admit that Chris and Desiree are goofy and light, whereas Drew and Des were a bit more serious and earnest. That night they make a bunch of candle lit toasts (the jist of which are: Chris thinks he's still in a contest against another guy; Desiree trusts that everything happens for a reason and she got the Heisman from Brooks so that she could notice the guy right under her nose (whose father picks his nose--aww snap we're in some patented Selena double parens! I feel so safe here in this double-walled cocoon!)). Chris says that he wants to meet Desiree's family and I can only guess that he's ignorant of Desiree's loose cannon, mildly special brother who has hand tats. Wait 'till ya meet the family--you might change your mind about all this love stuff, buddy!
Back in the studio (snooze), former Bachelor rejects (oh I mean ALUMS), Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey from last season are there to speak as Desiree's "friends" and, in a SUPER awkward setup, across the aisle from them sit Sean (their shared ex-BF) & Catherine (his chosen one)! This is more awkward than attending the wedding of a guy you made out with in college (haven't we ALL been there at least once or thrice?). They weigh in on what's happening (who cares) and the only important stuff is this: Lesley is an AWESOME gal, but she is wearing a horrible white, underwire top thing that looks like doooog shiiiiit on her (that one's for you, Katie Compa) and since Lindsay got dumped HARD by Sean (she was in the friggin' top TWO!), she has dyed her hair dark brown and gotten really into eyebrow pencil. We all heal in different ways.
Back in Antigua, Chris meets Desiree's sweet parents and psychopath brother. As soon as he sits down, Nate (crazy bro) starts grilling Chris, asking why Des should choose him, what his first impression of Desiree was, if he felt insecure about the other guys, etc. Chris and Desiree's dad have some 1:1 time, during which Chris asks for permission to propose to Desiree and they shake and hug on it. The next day, Chris sits down with Neil Lane to select the most romantic of depreciating assets: A diamond engagement ring (this phenomenon that is uniquely American and started only in the late 1930s. Read more here and here if you like.) Chris shows that he's feeling anxious and LOVES hyperbole by saying that he's in "uncharted waters and the water is cold." Also, are there sharks? Because it's SHARK WEEK, MOTHER F-ER!!!!
Finally, Desiree is putting on a gorgeous peach dress (mermaid style with sheer overlay pulled over one shoulder--perfection) and she's ready for SOMETHING. ABC keeps teasing us with clips of her saying "I don't know what I'm going to do" but GIVE ME A BREAK, Bach. As if she's going to walk away from all this and create an OKCupid account. She's getting engaged come hell, high water, or crazy brother. Desiree takes her mark on a cliffside structure and Chris arrives with ring in box in hand. They come together and Chris starts talking first, which seemed like an immediate mistake, but whatevs. He talks through all of their happy memories and travels and drops the worst romantic cliche in the world, "you make me want to be a better person." (Seriously, where did that one come from? It's SO overused and if its origin is from "Jerry McGuire" I might lose my mind because I hate T. Cruise--can you tell?) He goes to get down on one knee, but Desiree stops him! Aww snap kid, you think you're getting NEGGED! Hold back the tears!
She explains the curve ball, saying how upset she was when Brooks left, that she already sent Drew home, and that Chris was the only guy who met her family. She says that she was so blindsided by Brooks that she couldn't see how great Chris is (which is nice, I guess... but also feels a lil like a speech for a 2nd banana). Des finally says "I love you," they kiss, and then he gets down on his knee and proposes to her. We get a SWEEPING crane shot (and as I told my Twitter peeps, EVERY engagement looks beautiful when shown by sweeping crane shot, am I right? Follow me at @SelenaCoppock. I'm more shameless than that song by Garth Brooks!) then Des doe a final rose ceremony, plus we watch a montage of their dates.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!! I know, I know--I was like, "UNCLE! I give up! You guys are in love! I can't handle it anymore!" but Chris Harrison wouldn't relent. ABC sent us straight into the After the Final Rose episode even though we were overstuffed already.
Des comes out in a sparkly, white dress and chats with Chris Harrison about her journey. Chris asks her how she got through the heartbreak and my roommate and I screamed, "she was going to marry SOMEBODY!" Truth. Des admits that she liked the chase of Brooks (spoken like a 10th grade girl) and he comes out in a plaid suit with shorter hair, a short beard, and a tie pin. (Honestly, we saw MAD TIE PINS this season! Those things are making a comeback and mama likes it!) Brooks continues to be boring and unemotional and congratulates Desiree on her engagement news.
Next, Drew comes out in a blue, 3 piece suit and he asks if he could have done anything differently. He's as sweet and pragmatic as always, saying that love has to be mutual and that he fell in love with Des, it changed his life, and he has no hard feelings. Such a class act.
Last but not least, Chris comes out (in a suit and TIE PIN) and we watch Des and Chris watch their own proposal (holy self indulgence, Batman!). Then Chris gives Desiree a poem titled "My Girl" that is framed by dried rose petals (from their ceremonies) and is terrible.
But Chris Harrison knows what Bachelor Nation wants (a democratically elected president?): TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT BACHELOR WILL BE! Yes, the televised romance train must keep on moving and consume my life for another 3 months. Who will be making potential mates cry next season? JUAN PABLO! I gotta admit I love this pick--he's humble, from Venezuela (so he's hot, obvs), easygoing, and a single father to a delightful daughter. The fact that Bach producers picked Juan Pablo as their next Bachelor (and not smarmy, ambitious wanna-be Bachelors like Ben or James) shows that picking the Bach is just like sorority rush: if you want it too badly and push too hard, you won't get it.
What did you guys think of last night's finale, dear readers? Share in the comments!
The episode started off with Chris Harrison in a studio filled with shrieking Bach fans (what he would call residents of "Bachelor Nation") and our fearless host set the scene: the last time we saw Des, she was wearing a belly top and weeping on the end of a pier in Antigua. Then it cut back to Desiree in paradise talking about the Brooks break-up. Desiree rocks a peach dress with turquoise necklace and stares off at either the Caribbean Sea or the Atlantic Ocean, depending on which direction she was facing (though I'd be surprised if Des could see ANYTHING from beneath her fake eyelashes). She's still upset and says that it broke her heart that Brooks doesn't love her. In walks my new favorite therapist, Chris Harrison, and they sit down for a chat. Des holds it together until Chris asks her how she's doing, when she starts crying HARD. Ever the gentleman, Chris stays quiet and lets her cry it out (much like my favorite interventionist from A&E's "Intervention," Jeff VanVonderen. Rest in Peace, Intervention! There's a whole lot of people who love you like crazy, to quote JVV). Chris wisely points out that Des is upset about rejection from by the ONLY guy who held back from her (seriously, Chris Harrison: if you're reading this, you must pursue a life of doling out gentle tough love to women who like a-holes. I'll be your first client!). Des continues with the histrionics, saying that she wants to go home, but within a few minutes she has composed herself and she's ready to move forward. PHEW! Man oh man, that 30 seconds of super weepy Des footage was used EVERYWHERE in ads for this season! And it was over in a moment!
Since Bach is all about formal ceremonies, there WILL be a rose ceremony that day, with 2 roses to hand out and 2 guys showing up. I'm no mathematician, but I think that those are some good odds! There must be something in the water in Antigua, because when Drew and Chris arrive to the rose ceremony they are both looking HOT (maybe it's the suit-no-tie casual look at they both rocked?). The boys line up and Des explains to them that Brooks left of his own volition, then she starts crying. She pulls an Ashley and says that she'll be handing out these two roses, but that if the guys don't want to be there "let me know!" (Why is it that in EVERY Bachelorette season, there's a sense of "thank you for being here--do you really like me?" when in Bachelor seasons, the feeling is always "you're lucky to be here--I'm the decider" ya know? We'll need to go back to Women's Studies 101 to tackle that issue, I know.) So they have the most awkward, overly formal 3 person rose ceremony of all time and--shocker--Drew & Chris both get roses.
Then we are subjected to so much in-studio time wasting. I don't give a rat's ass what these random seat fillers think of all this! What is this, an episode of Donahue!? Get me back to paradise and let the tears FLOW!
Soon we're back in Antigua and Des is getting dressed in a bikini top, then belly top. You know what goes great with a belly top? UNRELENTING TEARS. Put that one in your back pocket, pussycats. Des mounts a horse and meets up with Drew (who is wearing regrettable purple shorts) so that they can ride horses down to the beach and look like the cover of a harlequin romance novel. They get to the beach, sit down for drinks, and in a move that seemed SUPER forced (maybe because he could sense Des pulling away), Drew overdoes it with a toast, saying, "to being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else." Des then drops the words that NO ONE EVER wants to hear, "I need to talk to you..." and then gurl gets a little harsh, adding, "especially after that." OUCH! Poor man's Katie Holmes is about to drop Drew like the real Katie Holmes dropped T. Cruise! (Only with fewer lawyers and no high heel wearing children involved.) I can speak for Bachelor Nation when I say that we were all BLINDSIDED by this development (and that we should probably secure our borders, recruit an army, develop a national currency--things that any nation must do). Des starts crying again, saying that she'd be so lucky to have Drew in her life and she feels like something is missing with him. Drew stoically takes it all in (like a true 1950s leading man) and responds with such grace and humility, saying that Desiree doesn't have to apologize for not being in love with him. Aww Drew! You are GOOD at getting dumped and I'm sorry for that, sweetheart! Ever the strong man, Drew hugs her goodbye then walks away. He says that he's crushed, confused and now he'll have to start over. Goodbye, sweet pussycat.
The next day, Des and Chris have a date, but Chris Harrison wants us to think that Des might dump him, too, because this shiz is unprecedented and ALL BETS ARE OFF! Desiree rocks a bikini top and flowing skirt (good look) and meets Chris for a day of kissing and canoodling on a catamaran (I hate myself for writing that, but it just flowed out of me). Des says that her feelings were "clouded" because of Brooks, but I think what she means to say is that her first pick isn't there anymore, so congrats Chris--you're getting pulled up from the JV squad and getting put in the game as a starter! Hope you don't mind wearing the old guy's mouthguard & uniform and accepting the nickname "Sloppy Seconds" (too harsh?). I'll admit that Chris and Desiree are goofy and light, whereas Drew and Des were a bit more serious and earnest. That night they make a bunch of candle lit toasts (the jist of which are: Chris thinks he's still in a contest against another guy; Desiree trusts that everything happens for a reason and she got the Heisman from Brooks so that she could notice the guy right under her nose (whose father picks his nose--aww snap we're in some patented Selena double parens! I feel so safe here in this double-walled cocoon!)). Chris says that he wants to meet Desiree's family and I can only guess that he's ignorant of Desiree's loose cannon, mildly special brother who has hand tats. Wait 'till ya meet the family--you might change your mind about all this love stuff, buddy!
Back in the studio (snooze), former Bachelor rejects (oh I mean ALUMS), Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey from last season are there to speak as Desiree's "friends" and, in a SUPER awkward setup, across the aisle from them sit Sean (their shared ex-BF) & Catherine (his chosen one)! This is more awkward than attending the wedding of a guy you made out with in college (haven't we ALL been there at least once or thrice?). They weigh in on what's happening (who cares) and the only important stuff is this: Lesley is an AWESOME gal, but she is wearing a horrible white, underwire top thing that looks like doooog shiiiiit on her (that one's for you, Katie Compa) and since Lindsay got dumped HARD by Sean (she was in the friggin' top TWO!), she has dyed her hair dark brown and gotten really into eyebrow pencil. We all heal in different ways.
Back in Antigua, Chris meets Desiree's sweet parents and psychopath brother. As soon as he sits down, Nate (crazy bro) starts grilling Chris, asking why Des should choose him, what his first impression of Desiree was, if he felt insecure about the other guys, etc. Chris and Desiree's dad have some 1:1 time, during which Chris asks for permission to propose to Desiree and they shake and hug on it. The next day, Chris sits down with Neil Lane to select the most romantic of depreciating assets: A diamond engagement ring (this phenomenon that is uniquely American and started only in the late 1930s. Read more here and here if you like.) Chris shows that he's feeling anxious and LOVES hyperbole by saying that he's in "uncharted waters and the water is cold." Also, are there sharks? Because it's SHARK WEEK, MOTHER F-ER!!!!
Finally, Desiree is putting on a gorgeous peach dress (mermaid style with sheer overlay pulled over one shoulder--perfection) and she's ready for SOMETHING. ABC keeps teasing us with clips of her saying "I don't know what I'm going to do" but GIVE ME A BREAK, Bach. As if she's going to walk away from all this and create an OKCupid account. She's getting engaged come hell, high water, or crazy brother. Desiree takes her mark on a cliffside structure and Chris arrives with ring in box in hand. They come together and Chris starts talking first, which seemed like an immediate mistake, but whatevs. He talks through all of their happy memories and travels and drops the worst romantic cliche in the world, "you make me want to be a better person." (Seriously, where did that one come from? It's SO overused and if its origin is from "Jerry McGuire" I might lose my mind because I hate T. Cruise--can you tell?) He goes to get down on one knee, but Desiree stops him! Aww snap kid, you think you're getting NEGGED! Hold back the tears!
She explains the curve ball, saying how upset she was when Brooks left, that she already sent Drew home, and that Chris was the only guy who met her family. She says that she was so blindsided by Brooks that she couldn't see how great Chris is (which is nice, I guess... but also feels a lil like a speech for a 2nd banana). Des finally says "I love you," they kiss, and then he gets down on his knee and proposes to her. We get a SWEEPING crane shot (and as I told my Twitter peeps, EVERY engagement looks beautiful when shown by sweeping crane shot, am I right? Follow me at @SelenaCoppock. I'm more shameless than that song by Garth Brooks!) then Des doe a final rose ceremony, plus we watch a montage of their dates.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!! I know, I know--I was like, "UNCLE! I give up! You guys are in love! I can't handle it anymore!" but Chris Harrison wouldn't relent. ABC sent us straight into the After the Final Rose episode even though we were overstuffed already.
Des comes out in a sparkly, white dress and chats with Chris Harrison about her journey. Chris asks her how she got through the heartbreak and my roommate and I screamed, "she was going to marry SOMEBODY!" Truth. Des admits that she liked the chase of Brooks (spoken like a 10th grade girl) and he comes out in a plaid suit with shorter hair, a short beard, and a tie pin. (Honestly, we saw MAD TIE PINS this season! Those things are making a comeback and mama likes it!) Brooks continues to be boring and unemotional and congratulates Desiree on her engagement news.
Next, Drew comes out in a blue, 3 piece suit and he asks if he could have done anything differently. He's as sweet and pragmatic as always, saying that love has to be mutual and that he fell in love with Des, it changed his life, and he has no hard feelings. Such a class act.
Last but not least, Chris comes out (in a suit and TIE PIN) and we watch Des and Chris watch their own proposal (holy self indulgence, Batman!). Then Chris gives Desiree a poem titled "My Girl" that is framed by dried rose petals (from their ceremonies) and is terrible.
But Chris Harrison knows what Bachelor Nation wants (a democratically elected president?): TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT BACHELOR WILL BE! Yes, the televised romance train must keep on moving and consume my life for another 3 months. Who will be making potential mates cry next season? JUAN PABLO! I gotta admit I love this pick--he's humble, from Venezuela (so he's hot, obvs), easygoing, and a single father to a delightful daughter. The fact that Bach producers picked Juan Pablo as their next Bachelor (and not smarmy, ambitious wanna-be Bachelors like Ben or James) shows that picking the Bach is just like sorority rush: if you want it too badly and push too hard, you won't get it.
What did you guys think of last night's finale, dear readers? Share in the comments!
Monday, August 5, 2013
In non-Bachelorette news....
My Emmy nominated brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, is hilarious (as is my other brother-in-law Jon). Check out Bobby's latest hilarious brilliance in this video:
http://vimeo.com/52408036
http://vimeo.com/52408036
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: And Then There Were Three (Recap)
Last night, Chris Harrison FINALLY stopped his lying, boy-who-cried-wolf ways and we experienced something that was truly UNPRECEDENTED in Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise history. What happened? You'll soon find out, sweet pussycat.
The episode started off with Desiree at the bow of a boat sailing around Antigua with her voiceover blathering on about the fairy tale angle. Yeah, that fairy tale where producers pull strings and force emotions and all of America watches and cringes--you know that 'ole story! A classic just like Beauty & the Beast (or wait... is Desiree's fairy tale that one? Cause I gotta say Brooks is completely NON-hot). Desiree super casually name-drops the exact name of the Antiguan resort, then walks to the dock where she appears to read a Bible. We see a montage of Desiree's history with the three remaining suitors (because apparently ABC doesn't trust Americans to retain ANYTHING from the last 9 weeks of episodes). The run-down is pretty much:
CHRIS: Des likes his nice body and poetry and says "I love his awkwardness." Not the most "hot for you" thing to say about a potential mate.
DREW: His body is frigging INSANE. Dude has a friggin' 10-12 pack and a face like an extra from "Happy Days" plus he's super sweet with his developmentally disabled sister. IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH!
BROOKS: They don't grow 'em more witholding and seemingly disinterested than Brooks. To add insult to injury (or whatever), dude speaks in a whisper. Blech.
The first 1:1 date in Antigua is with Drew and he admits that he "didn't even know this place existed!" Oh, do they not cover Caribbean geography in your 1950s high school? Just a whole lotta pep rallys and homecoming dances there, Drew? Des & Drew (or as I call 'em: D&D--shitty dynamite) hop in an open top Jeep (and Des tells Drew that he has to drive because Desiree's lady brain would probably get them lots on the island, right?) and drive to a "festival" (which looked a lot like a bunch of paid extras, random crew members, and some local junk merchants) where they shop, awkwardly limbo, and enjoy steel drum music. Then they head to a cliff where they eat pineapple and Drew says that the day Desiree met his family was the happiest day of his life (wowza--dude--THAT was the happiest day of your life? Umm... have you never left your hometown with two middle fingers in the air while reciting the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Leash"? Just me? I guess that Drew and I have different definitions of happiness).
That night, their romantic, beachside dinner is rained out, but that doesn't stop them from a quick, rainy make out, just like that song from Billie Myers (1997, what what!) and while D and D play tonsil hockey (NO PADS OR HELMETS! HUH?), the producers scramble to set up a romantic Plan B setting. Apparently, to the set designers at Bach Headquarters "romance" means a whole lotta bright throw pillows and table runners. Desiree and Drew chat by candle light and Drew says that he's ready to propose. D&D both play their roles in the predictable tradition of the legendary FANTASY SUITE NOTE (ostensibly from Chris Harrison, which is pretty damn creepy) with the standard language "should you choose to forego your individual rooms blah blah blah fantasy suite." Both act surprised and intrigued by this prospect (despite the fact that they could have recited that text without so much as opening the envelope) and retire to the bedroom, where Drew says, "all right guys, time to leave," and we're reminded that their make-out sessions are witnessed and taped by a crew of people.
Meanwhile, Brooks is whispering (the only way he knows how to talk--LEARN SOME ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE BEFOR YOU RUIN YOUR VOICE, KID!) about how he's not quite ready to tell Des that he loves her and he feels torn. He flies to Boise, Idaho where his family owns yet ANOTHER McMansion, and talks to his mom and sister about his mixed feelings. Brooks explains that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to her and mom/sister push him to end things completely. They both seem pleased that he's not going through with it. So off he flies to Antigua to dump a girl on television (and you thought it was a schlep to travel to a local bar and dump your ex!).
But first, Chris and Desiree have a 1:1 date and Des makes the greatest fashion faux pas of the season (and perhaps her life). Words won't do this justice, so I captured the monstrosity on my phone for you, dear readers.
Now, to play devil's advocate for a moment (although I LOATHE people who play Devil's advocate generally. They're just argumentative contrarians who want to prove you wrong), perhaps Des got a little overexcited about her tropical getaway and bought this fringed vest there on location. I did that once in Vegas (because you can pack your skimpiest dresses for a trip to Vegas, but you get there and suddenly the dress that was sexy at home looks like a nun's habit under the bright lights of the Vegas strip) when I bought a SUPER SLINKY dress (by Vegas standards, which means it's little more than a bikini to be worn out at night) from bebe that I have worn a grand total of once (that time in Vegas). So perhaps that's what Desiree went through with this vest. Either way, it's hella busted.
Des and Chris have a fun date, despite her tragic vest. They make out on the beach ("From Here to Eternity" style), swim, stand on some rocks, write their names in the sand, and Chris describes his love for Des using Savage Garden lyrics. That night, they have a romantic dinner and talk about their future while some loud, high pitched shrieks happen in the background (local animals? kids on swings for hours? crying dogs?). Des asks about where they'd live at the end of all this and Chris manages to sound flexible while essentially saying that in the future he'll be staying in Seattle, thank you very much. Then the fantasy suite card appears with its standard text and Chris says that he'd love to watch the stars with Des (that aint the only thing you'll be watching HAAAAAAAY!), so they retire to said suite. The suite is decorated with a lot of candles and familiar looking pillows (that are probably covered in Drew's DNA from the previous night). Chris breaks out a fresh poem (OF COURSE) about how he's excited for forever with Des. Soon they're back in their swimsuits, making out poolside while that damn squeaking noise drones on. ROMANCE!
Finally, it's the day that WE know will be the day of reckoning, but Des does not. Poor girl is just rocking some white jean shorts, a belly top, and a big grin. Oh gurl, as my viewing pal Julia Johns (@juliaguli8) said "your belly AND your heart are about to be exposed." Aww snap! Truth! But before Brooks can crush Desiree's dreams, he's gotta get through a round of conversation with armchair therapist Chris Harrison.
Brooks and Chris sit down and Chris pulls out all the stops: are you SURE that you're not in love? Do you think that some alone time in the fantasy suite would give you a chance to ask any outstanding questions you might have? Have you ever been in love before? Brooks answers the questions with his patented bizarre perspective and whisper talk. He says that his head tells him that this is the end with Desiree, but his heart doesn't (huh?). He says that knows how love feels and to him it feels like pain and vulnerability (huh?) and that's not how he feels with Des. And he drops the line that everyone in the world is tired of: "I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her." Oh shut up. Did you hear that line in a romantic comedy and tuck it away for when you might need it? Because it's moronic.
Finally, Desiree and Brooks meet up and girl is GLOWING. Brooks is, understandably, freaking out and he immediately guides her to a bench at the end of a long dock (DON'T JUMP, DES! Brooks is a tool and not worth it.) It's hard to watch her go from ELATED to see him, to confused about what is going on, to heartbroken. If Desiree's psychotic, tatted-up brother were there, Brooks would have been beaten to a bloody pulp within moments. Brooks draws it out and talks in circles like the chickenshit pussface that he is. Poor Des sits there and listens, like an inverse poor man's Katie Holmes (cause ya know how Katie pulled some NINJA moves to drop her alien husband T. Cruise). Finally, she curls up in a ball and starts crying HARD, asks him, "why now?" and then says, "I don't care that you just broke my heart--I love you." Oh girl. Don't tell this guy ANYTHING good. Just WALK AWAY. They sit on the bench and marinate on things for FAR too long. (If I were Des, I'd be like, "I wasted the cutest daytime outfit of the whole episode on THIS? You can hardly even see my sick abs cause I'm curled up in this ball of heartbreak!") Finally, they get up so that Brooks can go back to his freakishly large family in Utah. They hug in the driveway and Brooks tries to console Desiree, but as I learned with my ex from 2008 (whose "career" is something I check on occasionally to make sure it's still there, stalled at the side of the road), HE can't help you get over HIM. Walk away. FINALLY Desiree does and Brooks does, too. He has an emotional tantrum in the jungle and Des sits on the end of the dock and bawls.
AND THAT IS WHERE THEY LEFT US. I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison: that shiz was UNPRECEDENTED! Next week we have another great performance by Desiree's waterproof mascara and everyone's favorite unlicensed shrink, Chris Harrison.
Des, this one's for you:
The episode started off with Desiree at the bow of a boat sailing around Antigua with her voiceover blathering on about the fairy tale angle. Yeah, that fairy tale where producers pull strings and force emotions and all of America watches and cringes--you know that 'ole story! A classic just like Beauty & the Beast (or wait... is Desiree's fairy tale that one? Cause I gotta say Brooks is completely NON-hot). Desiree super casually name-drops the exact name of the Antiguan resort, then walks to the dock where she appears to read a Bible. We see a montage of Desiree's history with the three remaining suitors (because apparently ABC doesn't trust Americans to retain ANYTHING from the last 9 weeks of episodes). The run-down is pretty much:
CHRIS: Des likes his nice body and poetry and says "I love his awkwardness." Not the most "hot for you" thing to say about a potential mate.
DREW: His body is frigging INSANE. Dude has a friggin' 10-12 pack and a face like an extra from "Happy Days" plus he's super sweet with his developmentally disabled sister. IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH!
BROOKS: They don't grow 'em more witholding and seemingly disinterested than Brooks. To add insult to injury (or whatever), dude speaks in a whisper. Blech.
The first 1:1 date in Antigua is with Drew and he admits that he "didn't even know this place existed!" Oh, do they not cover Caribbean geography in your 1950s high school? Just a whole lotta pep rallys and homecoming dances there, Drew? Des & Drew (or as I call 'em: D&D--shitty dynamite) hop in an open top Jeep (and Des tells Drew that he has to drive because Desiree's lady brain would probably get them lots on the island, right?) and drive to a "festival" (which looked a lot like a bunch of paid extras, random crew members, and some local junk merchants) where they shop, awkwardly limbo, and enjoy steel drum music. Then they head to a cliff where they eat pineapple and Drew says that the day Desiree met his family was the happiest day of his life (wowza--dude--THAT was the happiest day of your life? Umm... have you never left your hometown with two middle fingers in the air while reciting the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Leash"? Just me? I guess that Drew and I have different definitions of happiness).
That night, their romantic, beachside dinner is rained out, but that doesn't stop them from a quick, rainy make out, just like that song from Billie Myers (1997, what what!) and while D and D play tonsil hockey (NO PADS OR HELMETS! HUH?), the producers scramble to set up a romantic Plan B setting. Apparently, to the set designers at Bach Headquarters "romance" means a whole lotta bright throw pillows and table runners. Desiree and Drew chat by candle light and Drew says that he's ready to propose. D&D both play their roles in the predictable tradition of the legendary FANTASY SUITE NOTE (ostensibly from Chris Harrison, which is pretty damn creepy) with the standard language "should you choose to forego your individual rooms blah blah blah fantasy suite." Both act surprised and intrigued by this prospect (despite the fact that they could have recited that text without so much as opening the envelope) and retire to the bedroom, where Drew says, "all right guys, time to leave," and we're reminded that their make-out sessions are witnessed and taped by a crew of people.
Meanwhile, Brooks is whispering (the only way he knows how to talk--LEARN SOME ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE BEFOR YOU RUIN YOUR VOICE, KID!) about how he's not quite ready to tell Des that he loves her and he feels torn. He flies to Boise, Idaho where his family owns yet ANOTHER McMansion, and talks to his mom and sister about his mixed feelings. Brooks explains that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to her and mom/sister push him to end things completely. They both seem pleased that he's not going through with it. So off he flies to Antigua to dump a girl on television (and you thought it was a schlep to travel to a local bar and dump your ex!).
Now, to play devil's advocate for a moment (although I LOATHE people who play Devil's advocate generally. They're just argumentative contrarians who want to prove you wrong), perhaps Des got a little overexcited about her tropical getaway and bought this fringed vest there on location. I did that once in Vegas (because you can pack your skimpiest dresses for a trip to Vegas, but you get there and suddenly the dress that was sexy at home looks like a nun's habit under the bright lights of the Vegas strip) when I bought a SUPER SLINKY dress (by Vegas standards, which means it's little more than a bikini to be worn out at night) from bebe that I have worn a grand total of once (that time in Vegas). So perhaps that's what Desiree went through with this vest. Either way, it's hella busted.
Des and Chris have a fun date, despite her tragic vest. They make out on the beach ("From Here to Eternity" style), swim, stand on some rocks, write their names in the sand, and Chris describes his love for Des using Savage Garden lyrics. That night, they have a romantic dinner and talk about their future while some loud, high pitched shrieks happen in the background (local animals? kids on swings for hours? crying dogs?). Des asks about where they'd live at the end of all this and Chris manages to sound flexible while essentially saying that in the future he'll be staying in Seattle, thank you very much. Then the fantasy suite card appears with its standard text and Chris says that he'd love to watch the stars with Des (that aint the only thing you'll be watching HAAAAAAAY!), so they retire to said suite. The suite is decorated with a lot of candles and familiar looking pillows (that are probably covered in Drew's DNA from the previous night). Chris breaks out a fresh poem (OF COURSE) about how he's excited for forever with Des. Soon they're back in their swimsuits, making out poolside while that damn squeaking noise drones on. ROMANCE!
Finally, it's the day that WE know will be the day of reckoning, but Des does not. Poor girl is just rocking some white jean shorts, a belly top, and a big grin. Oh gurl, as my viewing pal Julia Johns (@juliaguli8) said "your belly AND your heart are about to be exposed." Aww snap! Truth! But before Brooks can crush Desiree's dreams, he's gotta get through a round of conversation with armchair therapist Chris Harrison.
Brooks and Chris sit down and Chris pulls out all the stops: are you SURE that you're not in love? Do you think that some alone time in the fantasy suite would give you a chance to ask any outstanding questions you might have? Have you ever been in love before? Brooks answers the questions with his patented bizarre perspective and whisper talk. He says that his head tells him that this is the end with Desiree, but his heart doesn't (huh?). He says that knows how love feels and to him it feels like pain and vulnerability (huh?) and that's not how he feels with Des. And he drops the line that everyone in the world is tired of: "I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her." Oh shut up. Did you hear that line in a romantic comedy and tuck it away for when you might need it? Because it's moronic.
Finally, Desiree and Brooks meet up and girl is GLOWING. Brooks is, understandably, freaking out and he immediately guides her to a bench at the end of a long dock (DON'T JUMP, DES! Brooks is a tool and not worth it.) It's hard to watch her go from ELATED to see him, to confused about what is going on, to heartbroken. If Desiree's psychotic, tatted-up brother were there, Brooks would have been beaten to a bloody pulp within moments. Brooks draws it out and talks in circles like the chickenshit pussface that he is. Poor Des sits there and listens, like an inverse poor man's Katie Holmes (cause ya know how Katie pulled some NINJA moves to drop her alien husband T. Cruise). Finally, she curls up in a ball and starts crying HARD, asks him, "why now?" and then says, "I don't care that you just broke my heart--I love you." Oh girl. Don't tell this guy ANYTHING good. Just WALK AWAY. They sit on the bench and marinate on things for FAR too long. (If I were Des, I'd be like, "I wasted the cutest daytime outfit of the whole episode on THIS? You can hardly even see my sick abs cause I'm curled up in this ball of heartbreak!") Finally, they get up so that Brooks can go back to his freakishly large family in Utah. They hug in the driveway and Brooks tries to console Desiree, but as I learned with my ex from 2008 (whose "career" is something I check on occasionally to make sure it's still there, stalled at the side of the road), HE can't help you get over HIM. Walk away. FINALLY Desiree does and Brooks does, too. He has an emotional tantrum in the jungle and Des sits on the end of the dock and bawls.
AND THAT IS WHERE THEY LEFT US. I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison: that shiz was UNPRECEDENTED! Next week we have another great performance by Desiree's waterproof mascara and everyone's favorite unlicensed shrink, Chris Harrison.
Des, this one's for you:
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Men Tell All Recap
Monday night was the standard episode that is always "Bachelor Nation's FAVORITE episode" (if you believe Chris Harrison) or "an episode that is usually pretty fun" (if you believe everyone else in the world): THE MEN TELL ALL!
As a (less than) proud member of Bachelor Nation (#TheWorst), I tuned in to see if the "Tell All" episode was like every "Tell All" episode before it and yes, it was, in that every guy was tan, trim, and well-coiffed; there were some not-so-familiar faces (even Chunky Swayze zinged Jonathan for being one of those forgettable losers); and some smug mugs that we'd rather forget (sociopath father Ben, to be specific).
But the REAL winner in last night's episode? The overly expressive audience. Those ladies were working HARD for their $100 extra stipend and flexing those facial muscles with wild abandon. They captured every expression: disappointment (at James' "explanation" of why he's not ashamed to be a fame whore), shock (at Ben's insistence that he was "sooo judged!"), and elated (at every G-D word out of Juan Pablo's mouth). Check out this lady below, she is noooot believing a word she is hearing!!
As a (less than) proud member of Bachelor Nation (#TheWorst), I tuned in to see if the "Tell All" episode was like every "Tell All" episode before it and yes, it was, in that every guy was tan, trim, and well-coiffed; there were some not-so-familiar faces (even Chunky Swayze zinged Jonathan for being one of those forgettable losers); and some smug mugs that we'd rather forget (sociopath father Ben, to be specific).
But the REAL winner in last night's episode? The overly expressive audience. Those ladies were working HARD for their $100 extra stipend and flexing those facial muscles with wild abandon. They captured every expression: disappointment (at James' "explanation" of why he's not ashamed to be a fame whore), shock (at Ben's insistence that he was "sooo judged!"), and elated (at every G-D word out of Juan Pablo's mouth). Check out this lady below, she is noooot believing a word she is hearing!!
And look at these gals below: the one on the left is about to sneeze (an allergic reaction to how much Zak W. suuuucks and is a corny assed cheesedick) and the one on the right is a spooky psychopath who knows that Ben's baby mama bumped into Dan (I know, who the EFF is THAT guy? Oh, the one who looks like a Ken doll with dark hair and works in beverage distribution? WHATEVZZZZ!!) in Vegas and spilled mad beans about the fact that Ben had a friggity whack girlfriend when he got the baby mama pregnant! Snaaaaaap!
But seriously, folks (OMG don't you hate it when old timey standups use that as a transitional phrase? I DO!), there was some drama last night and, as usual, Chris Harrison had some fantastic punchlines.
At the start of the episode, Desiree and Chris crashed some Bachelor viewing parties and we learned an important lesson: that EVERYONE in America watches The Bachelorette while drinking wine out of extra large goblets that look like props from Cougartown (SUCH an underrated show!). For their NYC-based party crashing they were joined by Bach alums Ashley and JP, Jason and Molly (and their baby), and Trista. What a community that Bachelor franchise is! It's like the least exclusive Country Club in America. Desiree says that she loves seeing that all of these people are watching the show and "rooting for her." Oh gurl, we're not rooting for you so much as laughing at the idiotic dudes.
Then Desiree sits down for some girl talk (and period-synching) with her BFFs Ashley, Ali, and Emily. Because being on The Bach is like joining Scientology: YOU MAY ONLY BE FRIENDS WITH FELLOW BELIEVERS!! Ali's hair looks grey (get some warmer tones in your weave, gurl), Emily's hair is sweet perfection (of course), and Ashley barely says a word (and has brown hair, poor thing).
Finally, it's time to trot out the rejects and hope that America remembers them/gives a rat's ass. Who's in the studio?
Robert (spin sign inventor/tool), Dan (dark haired Ken doll who apparently roams around Vegas talking to the exes of other Bach rejects), Nick (has a mole and that's all she wrote), Brad (had a kid and a restraining order taken out on him BUT JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE!), Jonathan (lawyer who was super drunk and creepy on that first night), Bryden (Iraq War vet who doesn't look as hot as he seemed before), Brandon (guy who was really intense and had major family problems--but his hair is longer now!), Will (Chicago banker who should link up with Mikey and James for some Bach Chicagoland domination), Zack K. (Chuck Taylors), James (The Don), Ben (a father and a Christian who never called his son during the show and didn't attend church on Easter--I've been listening to too much Chunky Swayze and it's turning me all LAWYERY!), Mikey T. (who looks HOT and is wearing NO SOCKS!), Juan Pablo (who has a cheering section in the audience), Kasey (#OMGIhateyou), Michael G. (Chunky Swayze who seems to have grown bushier eyebrows while recovering from his broken heart), and Zak W. (whose entire existence feels like a joke).
Everyone in the studio watches a montage of clips that summarize the season: James saying "F you" to a line-up of guys ("spraying the room" as Chris Harrison put it), Ben being creepy and lying to every guy while wearing a ridiculous tank top, Zak being overly bronzed and shirtless, general smack-talk. There is nothing more enjoyable than witnessing a guy call another guy a "piece of shit" in a montage that they are both watching while seated right near each other. It's truly delightful.
Bryan (the guy who isn't even very hot and had a girlfriend while he was on the show) opted not to attend the taping, so the guys run roughshod over him and Chris Harrison encourages it. Awesome.
Ben is the first guy to get in the hot seat and Chris says that things started off so well (when he first emerged from the limo with his sweet son), but then "after night 1, everything went downhill." I love that Chris said, in so many words, that the minute Ben opened his mouth, he was doomed. TRUTH! Ben says that it was really hard for him to watch his "girlfriend" date other men (umm... that's a shared experience by everyone in the house, moron--you're NOT special) and that he feels judged. Maybe because you judged ALL of the other guys as unworthy of your friendship or respect on day 1, Ben. Ben bangs the drum of being a good father and Zak shuts him up by saying that Ben NEVER mentioned his son, while Juan Pablo mentioned his daughter all the time. SHUT IT, Dixieland American Psycho!
Up next, James (The Don) attempts to convince Bachelor Nation (I'm trapped within its grasp!) that he really cared about Desiree, despite the fact that I bet if you asked him for his favorite thing about her, he's say, "ummmm... brown hair?" Chris grills him about the alleged "If I make it to the top 4, I could be the next Bachelor" comment and he seems to blame Mikey for it (is there trouble within their sockless crew?). Mikey chimes in and explains that they weren't plotting anything--they simply felt that Desiree liked other types of guys better (seems to be true) and they were accepting that perhaps she didn't like them, and what would come next. Mikey explains himself well and James continues to look like a scheming a-hole. This was when we saw some SHOCKED faces from the crowd. (Ladies in the audience: you're SHOCKED that two jacked, conventionally handsome guys are insufferable jerks? Have you ever been to a bar on a Saturday night?)
Then Juan Pablo gets in the hot seat where he charms the pants off of America (ferreal) with his friendly demeanor, confidence, and good looks. Do I smell an international soccer star Bachelor up next?
Then, it's the moment that none of us have been waiting for: Zak W's time in the hot seat. He looks exhausted and like he has been clocking extra hours at the spray tan salon. But I'll admit, he makes some very relatable, heart-wrenching comments about being single when most of your peer group is not. Come on Zak--don't make me feel bad about mercilessly mocking you for all these weeks! It's what I DO!
Finally, Desiree comes out in a cute, gold dress and faces her reject harem. Chris Harrison asks her if she had any "nerves" and she says no, she had anxiety about this event. GURL. Those are the same thing. You are an idiot, but that dress DOES look great on you. Chris makes a comment about "bad boys" to which Des replies, "whatcha gonna do?" and Chris gives her NOTHING because he's NOT a fan of Inner Circle (yes, that's the name of the wordsmith's who crafted those genius lyrics) or outdated jokes. A flood of apologies commence: Jonathan apologizes for being a creep on the first night; Chunky Swayze admits that he played the lawyer card too intensely. Desiree says that James manipulated her and James make a comment that effectively breaks the first rule of Reality TV Club: don't talk about reality TV club! Juan Pablo asks her why he never got a 1:1 date and then winks at her (#swoon #NoSnark #ICanBeGenuineOccasionally). And what episode would be complete without Zak making an ass of himself? He says, "I think I have something to say..." then pulls out his guitar and plays a song he wrote. Oh Zak, you were the guy who knew Dave Matthews Band songs on the guitar in college, weren't you? The guy who was like, "ladies LOVE it when I sing to them" while everyone was actually mocking you privately. Have your swan song and get back to the oil fields, buddy.
And before we knew it (120 long minutes later), the episode was over with Chris Harrison's promise that next week will be the MOST emotionally intense Bachelorette finale EVER! I can't decide if the producers are messing with us (and making it seem like something goes VERY wrong at the end) or if it's just tricky editing and things will play out in a pretty standard way (with Des rejecting the first guy to arrive at the proposal site then, choosing the most boring guy--likely Brooks--and breaking up with him within months, then entering into a life of D list "celebrity" status). We'll find out soon!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 8 Recap
Amigos!
I have been a real jerk lately, I know. I had a string of a whole lotta shows then I went upstate on vacation and somehow my beloved Bach recaps got lost in the fray. I'm sorry, sweet pussycats. (But in lighter news, my vacation was DOPE and I drank dollar beers in a VFW hall where the only rules are: yes, you can smoke indoors, but no, you cannot drop the F bomb. Cool by me!) It's especially bad timing right now, when we're in the home stretch! But I'm finally all caught up and ready to talk smack and make metaphors-a-plenty.
First off, Chunky Swayze had a tearful goodbye in the close of the episode before last. I was sad to see him go, but he and Des never seemed to have a romantic connection, ya know? And when your first 1:1 date is in the final 5, you just haven't laid enough groundwork for this TV relationship to thrive. (My vast knowledge of Bach timing and development is both inspiring and pathetic.)
So on Monday's episode, we were down to 4 suitors remaining: Zak (SWEET LORD, WHEN WILL THIS ELABORATE JOKE END?), Drew (they grow 'em real clean cut and earnest in Scottsdale), Chris (he writes lame poetry but he used to play pro ball, so his coolness factor is back to 0), and Brooks (who needs to speak like a grown adult). Desiree is ready to criss-cross the country like a 90s child rap group wearing jeans backwards cause it's "HOMETOWNS." Does anyone else find it gross that "Hometowns" has entered the popular vernacular and it always means Bachelor franchise-related hometown visits? I love to hate this show, but nonetheless: barf.
Desiree's first trip is to Dallas, TX where Zak, his abs, and his family's shaved iced business is located (you can't make this stuff up). Zak says, "if people think I'm crazy--wait 'till they see my crazy family" and his family (aka Zak Attack) does not disappoint. Before family time, Des and Zak meet up in a local gazebo (what would Bach DO without small town gazebos?), hop in the 'ole family shaved ice truck, and work a quick shift at a park. Sweet date! Chipping ice and handing it to screaming children while you (probably) don't even make minimum wage! I keep getting taken on these dates that just involve free dinner, free drinks, and street-side kisses, but I just wish someone would dress up in a penguin suit and cart me around in a shaved ice truck! Finally, Des and Zak head over to Zak's parents' McMansion (what would Bach DO without McMansions?) where they sit down for lunch with Zak's parents, sister Carly (nice hair, gurl!), and brother Denton. After dinner, the family serenades Desiree with a song that Zak wrote (HOLY DUMB CHILLS!) with the lyrics, "Desiree, we can see your place in our family." As if that isn't bad enough, Zak then takes Des into the backyard where he gives her a promise ring and drops the L bomb. Lawdy lawdy it was intense. I'd like to share a saying (that I just thought of) with Zak: Sometimes when you pull out all the stops, you just get STOPPED. (YOU'RE WELCOME, readers! Feel free to use that, but please mail me a dime every time you do.)
Next stop on this hometown visit thrill ride: Scottsdale, AZ to meet Drew's family. Drew is looking hot and he meets Desiree, then they drive to his mentally handicapped sister's residence to pick her up for the visit. I may have a heart made of stone and a sharp tongue, but watching Drew talk about and interact with his sister Melissa had me in tears. Later, Melissa's father referred to her as an angel and I was WEEPING (and it wasn't because of the white wine I was drinking and PMS I was experiencing--and am still experiencing, UNIVERSE!). Melissa swatted at Desiree's hair, which cracked me up ("she likes hair" -Drew) then the trio drove to Drew's mother's house to meet up with Drew's dad Mal, mom Linda, stepfather, sister, her husband, and brother Mal (that family sure loves the name Mal, huh? Did they invent Malware? That joke's for you, NERDS!). Drew's mother's house was decorated in a style that you might call "Dream Catcher Overload" but she seems lovely. Both of Drew's parents love Desiree and think she's very down-to-earth and real (which she truly seems) and Drew tells them that he wants to marry her. That night after dinner, Des and Drew make-out in the driveway (sweet, suburban times) and he tells her that he loves her three times. A hattrick of unrequited admissions of love!
But the High Hopes Express has gotta chug along and the next stop is McMinnville, Oregon where Chris grew up and still gets his snots pulled out by his father. But before Chris's father can give his son a "nose adjustment" (looks more like pulling snot like you do on a baby, but you can call it whatever you like) and adjust Desiree's back, there's softball to be played and softball-themed puns to be made! Desiree and Chris suit up in baseball shirts, hats, and eye black (which was REALLY important cause the day was grey and overcast) then bat at a ball while repeatedly saying things like, "you're a catch!" and "Chris is stealing my heart." I couldn't keep up with all of them over the sound/movement of dousing my own eyeballs with Sriracha, but you get the gist. Chris's mother rocks a pretty bold, stacked bob and spills the beans that Chris was hoping Desiree would be the bachelorette. As I told my pal Emily when she shared a little too much information with a certain tattooed, HOT bartender who I went out with a few times, "Don't be spilling my BEANS, yo!" Desiree continues her tour of driveway make-outs and after they kiss, Chris says that nobody could be more connected than they are. Oh Chris, you are a video editor's dream with that comment because who's up next...
BROOKS! The Salt Lake City, UT native (read: Mormon) who Desiree straight-up says she LOVES. Yowza! Are the editors making it seem like Brooks is a shoe-in just to throw us off the trail that probably leads to Chris or Drew? It seems a little early for Desiree to be that candid, but who knows in this topsy-turvy Bach world. Desiree and Brooks meet up in a park (and it's like, "thanks a ton for preserving these public green spaces, Frederick Law Olmsted," right?) where Des shares a tally of her favorite Brooks dates and memories. Brooks is undoubtedly he most hesitant of all the guys and I fear that emotionally unavailability is what's pulling in Desiree (take it from a girl who LOVES emotionally unavailable dudes--they're the tops! Unless you want to feel like a human who deserves to have feelings!). Brooks's family is HUGE and wearing name tags. At dinner, Brooks talks about Desiree as though she's not even in the room. After dinner, Brooks's brothers (no relation to the preppy store--BOOMTOWN!) grill him with questions about Desiree, including "can she hang with you?" (yeah, I think she can whisper talk and be effeminate REAL well) and the bizarre, "if she was gone, would you want her back?" Meanwhile, Brooks's mother talks to Desiree then reports back that it went just "OK" which felt odd. I was having some flashbacks to Emily's season, when she ended up with Pompadour Prince/Robyn wannna-be, Jef. I know that this big, happy family can seem SO enticing (especially when you come from a small family that is 1/4 psychopath brother--as Desiree's family is), but you KNOW that all that family closeness would feel suffocating eventually. They kiss goodbye.
Then Desiree is back in LA and her tattooed brother Nate is coming for a visit. Des says that she won't let Nate meet the guys just yet and in his typical mature, thoughtful, adult way, he says that he'd like to "get in their heads." That evening, the 4 guys arrive for the rose ceremony and ratty Nate watches them from behind a pillar, looking more like a teenager stalking the lobby of his local hotel because he heard that his favorite band, Audioslave, was staying there.
Desiree sits down with Chris Harrison and says that she loves Brooks and is hoping for a proposal from him. Yikes! Again, I feel like the producers are manipulating us by pushing Brooks really hard but the winner will end up being Drew or Chris. Time will tell. In the meantime, we have a rooftop line-up to witness!
The four dudes are lined up, Desiree is in a cute, sparkly dress, and the tears are flowing before she has even had the chance to publicly ruin the life of a single guy! What order did the roses come in?
BROOKS (either the producers are really pushing this storyline HARD or she genuinely, somehow likes this schmoe)
CHIS (she can look forward to a LIFETIME of snot removal at the hands of her father-in-law!)
and now it's between Drew and Zak... and if you think Zak is going to advance an INCH farther, I'd like for you to meet be behind the dumpster so that we can fistfight after school cause the rose goes to...
DREW! (Hell yeah--he's hot, sweet, has a sick body, and Des can look forward to a lifetime of dream catchers on her walls!)
So finally, thank God, our long national nightmare of Zak as a viable Bachelorette contender is over. Unlike all of America, Zak is shocked and upset. Desiree cries and give Zak back his promise ring (which he later tosses out the window of the limousine cause it makes for good TV--I bet they had a PA there to catch it). For how much I hated Zak all season, his final rejection limo ride gave me some sympathy for him. He said that he had been in a slump and was sad to return to his life alone. Aww buddy. Lemme give ya two tips: (1) don't lead with your abs when it comes to courtship, and (2) never dress up in a penguin costume on a date. Those two are on the house. Good luck to ya, Zak.
Next week is the Men Tell All and I can't wait to get some updates on the rejects! Are James and Mikey cashing in on their D list fame and slaying ladies together in Chicago? Is Ben still a psychopath manipulator pretending to be a good, Christian man and father? Is Bryden still using hair gel (I HOPE)? Is Kasey still talking in hashtags and not getting women? We'll find out on Monday!
I have been a real jerk lately, I know. I had a string of a whole lotta shows then I went upstate on vacation and somehow my beloved Bach recaps got lost in the fray. I'm sorry, sweet pussycats. (But in lighter news, my vacation was DOPE and I drank dollar beers in a VFW hall where the only rules are: yes, you can smoke indoors, but no, you cannot drop the F bomb. Cool by me!) It's especially bad timing right now, when we're in the home stretch! But I'm finally all caught up and ready to talk smack and make metaphors-a-plenty.
First off, Chunky Swayze had a tearful goodbye in the close of the episode before last. I was sad to see him go, but he and Des never seemed to have a romantic connection, ya know? And when your first 1:1 date is in the final 5, you just haven't laid enough groundwork for this TV relationship to thrive. (My vast knowledge of Bach timing and development is both inspiring and pathetic.)
So on Monday's episode, we were down to 4 suitors remaining: Zak (SWEET LORD, WHEN WILL THIS ELABORATE JOKE END?), Drew (they grow 'em real clean cut and earnest in Scottsdale), Chris (he writes lame poetry but he used to play pro ball, so his coolness factor is back to 0), and Brooks (who needs to speak like a grown adult). Desiree is ready to criss-cross the country like a 90s child rap group wearing jeans backwards cause it's "HOMETOWNS." Does anyone else find it gross that "Hometowns" has entered the popular vernacular and it always means Bachelor franchise-related hometown visits? I love to hate this show, but nonetheless: barf.
Desiree's first trip is to Dallas, TX where Zak, his abs, and his family's shaved iced business is located (you can't make this stuff up). Zak says, "if people think I'm crazy--wait 'till they see my crazy family" and his family (aka Zak Attack) does not disappoint. Before family time, Des and Zak meet up in a local gazebo (what would Bach DO without small town gazebos?), hop in the 'ole family shaved ice truck, and work a quick shift at a park. Sweet date! Chipping ice and handing it to screaming children while you (probably) don't even make minimum wage! I keep getting taken on these dates that just involve free dinner, free drinks, and street-side kisses, but I just wish someone would dress up in a penguin suit and cart me around in a shaved ice truck! Finally, Des and Zak head over to Zak's parents' McMansion (what would Bach DO without McMansions?) where they sit down for lunch with Zak's parents, sister Carly (nice hair, gurl!), and brother Denton. After dinner, the family serenades Desiree with a song that Zak wrote (HOLY DUMB CHILLS!) with the lyrics, "Desiree, we can see your place in our family." As if that isn't bad enough, Zak then takes Des into the backyard where he gives her a promise ring and drops the L bomb. Lawdy lawdy it was intense. I'd like to share a saying (that I just thought of) with Zak: Sometimes when you pull out all the stops, you just get STOPPED. (YOU'RE WELCOME, readers! Feel free to use that, but please mail me a dime every time you do.)
Next stop on this hometown visit thrill ride: Scottsdale, AZ to meet Drew's family. Drew is looking hot and he meets Desiree, then they drive to his mentally handicapped sister's residence to pick her up for the visit. I may have a heart made of stone and a sharp tongue, but watching Drew talk about and interact with his sister Melissa had me in tears. Later, Melissa's father referred to her as an angel and I was WEEPING (and it wasn't because of the white wine I was drinking and PMS I was experiencing--and am still experiencing, UNIVERSE!). Melissa swatted at Desiree's hair, which cracked me up ("she likes hair" -Drew) then the trio drove to Drew's mother's house to meet up with Drew's dad Mal, mom Linda, stepfather, sister, her husband, and brother Mal (that family sure loves the name Mal, huh? Did they invent Malware? That joke's for you, NERDS!). Drew's mother's house was decorated in a style that you might call "Dream Catcher Overload" but she seems lovely. Both of Drew's parents love Desiree and think she's very down-to-earth and real (which she truly seems) and Drew tells them that he wants to marry her. That night after dinner, Des and Drew make-out in the driveway (sweet, suburban times) and he tells her that he loves her three times. A hattrick of unrequited admissions of love!
But the High Hopes Express has gotta chug along and the next stop is McMinnville, Oregon where Chris grew up and still gets his snots pulled out by his father. But before Chris's father can give his son a "nose adjustment" (looks more like pulling snot like you do on a baby, but you can call it whatever you like) and adjust Desiree's back, there's softball to be played and softball-themed puns to be made! Desiree and Chris suit up in baseball shirts, hats, and eye black (which was REALLY important cause the day was grey and overcast) then bat at a ball while repeatedly saying things like, "you're a catch!" and "Chris is stealing my heart." I couldn't keep up with all of them over the sound/movement of dousing my own eyeballs with Sriracha, but you get the gist. Chris's mother rocks a pretty bold, stacked bob and spills the beans that Chris was hoping Desiree would be the bachelorette. As I told my pal Emily when she shared a little too much information with a certain tattooed, HOT bartender who I went out with a few times, "Don't be spilling my BEANS, yo!" Desiree continues her tour of driveway make-outs and after they kiss, Chris says that nobody could be more connected than they are. Oh Chris, you are a video editor's dream with that comment because who's up next...
BROOKS! The Salt Lake City, UT native (read: Mormon) who Desiree straight-up says she LOVES. Yowza! Are the editors making it seem like Brooks is a shoe-in just to throw us off the trail that probably leads to Chris or Drew? It seems a little early for Desiree to be that candid, but who knows in this topsy-turvy Bach world. Desiree and Brooks meet up in a park (and it's like, "thanks a ton for preserving these public green spaces, Frederick Law Olmsted," right?) where Des shares a tally of her favorite Brooks dates and memories. Brooks is undoubtedly he most hesitant of all the guys and I fear that emotionally unavailability is what's pulling in Desiree (take it from a girl who LOVES emotionally unavailable dudes--they're the tops! Unless you want to feel like a human who deserves to have feelings!). Brooks's family is HUGE and wearing name tags. At dinner, Brooks talks about Desiree as though she's not even in the room. After dinner, Brooks's brothers (no relation to the preppy store--BOOMTOWN!) grill him with questions about Desiree, including "can she hang with you?" (yeah, I think she can whisper talk and be effeminate REAL well) and the bizarre, "if she was gone, would you want her back?" Meanwhile, Brooks's mother talks to Desiree then reports back that it went just "OK" which felt odd. I was having some flashbacks to Emily's season, when she ended up with Pompadour Prince/Robyn wannna-be, Jef. I know that this big, happy family can seem SO enticing (especially when you come from a small family that is 1/4 psychopath brother--as Desiree's family is), but you KNOW that all that family closeness would feel suffocating eventually. They kiss goodbye.
Then Desiree is back in LA and her tattooed brother Nate is coming for a visit. Des says that she won't let Nate meet the guys just yet and in his typical mature, thoughtful, adult way, he says that he'd like to "get in their heads." That evening, the 4 guys arrive for the rose ceremony and ratty Nate watches them from behind a pillar, looking more like a teenager stalking the lobby of his local hotel because he heard that his favorite band, Audioslave, was staying there.
Desiree sits down with Chris Harrison and says that she loves Brooks and is hoping for a proposal from him. Yikes! Again, I feel like the producers are manipulating us by pushing Brooks really hard but the winner will end up being Drew or Chris. Time will tell. In the meantime, we have a rooftop line-up to witness!
The four dudes are lined up, Desiree is in a cute, sparkly dress, and the tears are flowing before she has even had the chance to publicly ruin the life of a single guy! What order did the roses come in?
BROOKS (either the producers are really pushing this storyline HARD or she genuinely, somehow likes this schmoe)
CHIS (she can look forward to a LIFETIME of snot removal at the hands of her father-in-law!)
and now it's between Drew and Zak... and if you think Zak is going to advance an INCH farther, I'd like for you to meet be behind the dumpster so that we can fistfight after school cause the rose goes to...
DREW! (Hell yeah--he's hot, sweet, has a sick body, and Des can look forward to a lifetime of dream catchers on her walls!)
So finally, thank God, our long national nightmare of Zak as a viable Bachelorette contender is over. Unlike all of America, Zak is shocked and upset. Desiree cries and give Zak back his promise ring (which he later tosses out the window of the limousine cause it makes for good TV--I bet they had a PA there to catch it). For how much I hated Zak all season, his final rejection limo ride gave me some sympathy for him. He said that he had been in a slump and was sad to return to his life alone. Aww buddy. Lemme give ya two tips: (1) don't lead with your abs when it comes to courtship, and (2) never dress up in a penguin costume on a date. Those two are on the house. Good luck to ya, Zak.
Next week is the Men Tell All and I can't wait to get some updates on the rejects! Are James and Mikey cashing in on their D list fame and slaying ladies together in Chicago? Is Ben still a psychopath manipulator pretending to be a good, Christian man and father? Is Bryden still using hair gel (I HOPE)? Is Kasey still talking in hashtags and not getting women? We'll find out on Monday!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 7 Recap
Amigos!
I couldn't watch last night's episode in its entirety, as I had my own dating ritual to conduct (a lot like The Bachelorette, only in my version I hand out whiskey shots instead of roses and sadly, Chris Harrison doesn't hang out with me) but I caught the first half and it was chock full of Bach goodies!
Desiree and her 5 remaining beaus traveled to Madiera (an island off Portugal) and we kicked off the episode with images of the posse arriving in Madiera by boat. The shots looked like a Ralph Lauren catalogue photo shoot (clean cut, preppy as hell, zero minorities) and there was a whole lotta shouting ("Hello!" "Madiera!" "I'm a tool!"(that last one is one I WISH they would yell)).
What's in store this week? Three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date, but without the usual elimination from the two-on-one. As Desiree says, now it's about love and getting to know if one of these guys is a match for lifelong partnership. Aint nobody got time for rejections mid-date anymore!
Desiree called in some of her supposed best friends to help her make some dude decisions and wouldn't you know it, her besties are all gals from last season of The Bachelor! I guess that serving time as a crew of concubine cuties bonds you just as much as sorority pledging, because Desiree's "friends" are Catherine (Asian girl who won Sean's heart), Jackie (redhead from Sean's season who always looked great), and Lesley (blonde Arkansan from Sean's season). Desiree talks about the guys, saying that Drew has the best body and is the best kisser (ummm... SHOW OVER. I'm sorry, but those two items are good enough for me--wrap it up, kids--we have a winner) and that Zak is the most adventurous (ha--that's a nice way of saying he's an adult hyper hypo with ADD). The women stare at the guys with binoculars (I love a good stalker move!) and yell at Brooks to take off his shirt. Hell yeah, ladies!
The first 1:1 date is with Brooks and I have FINALLY put my finger on what I hate about him. He comes off as quite effeminate and wimpy overall, but last night I realized the problem is his VOICE. Lawdy lawdy could the guy speak in a tone that's a TOUGH higher than a friggin' whisper? Brooks, is your real name Brooks or are you one of the Yin Yang Twins cause this is some whisper song shit going on here! They do a driving trip during which they stand on the edge of a cliff (what, no metaphors about how falling in love is like falling off a cliff?) then drive up INTO the clouds so that they can break out every cloud-related analogy YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF. Lawdy lawdy it was like watching a game of Secret Password when you think the word is something about clouds. They're on cloud 9! Their relationship just broke through the clouds (whatever THAT means)!
That evening Desiree rocks a dope, metallic miniskirt (she may be a poor man's Katie Holmes cheeseball, but I'm willing to admit when she dresses well) and have a candelit dinner, during which she showcases the fact that she doesn't know what an adjective is. Brooks says something about the adjectives between like and love (a bit odd, but whatever) and she then suggests the following words: stepping, skipping, jogging, running, finish line. Errrrmmmm... wah!?!? GIRL. Did you not attend 6th grade? (Probs no, since you say "times that" instead of "multiply that," but I digress). Stepping, skipping, jogging, running--those are VERBS and to get a lil fancier, those are also gerunds. (I love a good gerund, don't you? My fave is probably "dangling" since it's a gerund about what modifiers do--HEYO!) The last item in your list, Desiree, "finish line" is not a verb OR an adjective, but rather a noun. Please try to be consistent in your idiocy, if nothing else. Brooks appeared supremely confused by her ignorance of adjectives, but that didn't stop him from saying he'd love to bring her home to meet the parents. Nice.
Up next is a 1:1 with Chris and the pair board a dope yacht where they strip down to swimsuits and rub sunblock on each other (apparently people actually DO that when trying to be sexy--I always thought it was an urban legend... well, not urban really--a beach legend. Whatever--I'm saying that stuff like that only happens in 80s teen movies.)
That's where I had to jet to do my make-up, so I'll write the rest of this recap very soon. I love you, sweet jazzy cats!!
I couldn't watch last night's episode in its entirety, as I had my own dating ritual to conduct (a lot like The Bachelorette, only in my version I hand out whiskey shots instead of roses and sadly, Chris Harrison doesn't hang out with me) but I caught the first half and it was chock full of Bach goodies!
Desiree and her 5 remaining beaus traveled to Madiera (an island off Portugal) and we kicked off the episode with images of the posse arriving in Madiera by boat. The shots looked like a Ralph Lauren catalogue photo shoot (clean cut, preppy as hell, zero minorities) and there was a whole lotta shouting ("Hello!" "Madiera!" "I'm a tool!"(that last one is one I WISH they would yell)).
What's in store this week? Three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date, but without the usual elimination from the two-on-one. As Desiree says, now it's about love and getting to know if one of these guys is a match for lifelong partnership. Aint nobody got time for rejections mid-date anymore!
Desiree called in some of her supposed best friends to help her make some dude decisions and wouldn't you know it, her besties are all gals from last season of The Bachelor! I guess that serving time as a crew of concubine cuties bonds you just as much as sorority pledging, because Desiree's "friends" are Catherine (Asian girl who won Sean's heart), Jackie (redhead from Sean's season who always looked great), and Lesley (blonde Arkansan from Sean's season). Desiree talks about the guys, saying that Drew has the best body and is the best kisser (ummm... SHOW OVER. I'm sorry, but those two items are good enough for me--wrap it up, kids--we have a winner) and that Zak is the most adventurous (ha--that's a nice way of saying he's an adult hyper hypo with ADD). The women stare at the guys with binoculars (I love a good stalker move!) and yell at Brooks to take off his shirt. Hell yeah, ladies!
The first 1:1 date is with Brooks and I have FINALLY put my finger on what I hate about him. He comes off as quite effeminate and wimpy overall, but last night I realized the problem is his VOICE. Lawdy lawdy could the guy speak in a tone that's a TOUGH higher than a friggin' whisper? Brooks, is your real name Brooks or are you one of the Yin Yang Twins cause this is some whisper song shit going on here! They do a driving trip during which they stand on the edge of a cliff (what, no metaphors about how falling in love is like falling off a cliff?) then drive up INTO the clouds so that they can break out every cloud-related analogy YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF. Lawdy lawdy it was like watching a game of Secret Password when you think the word is something about clouds. They're on cloud 9! Their relationship just broke through the clouds (whatever THAT means)!
That evening Desiree rocks a dope, metallic miniskirt (she may be a poor man's Katie Holmes cheeseball, but I'm willing to admit when she dresses well) and have a candelit dinner, during which she showcases the fact that she doesn't know what an adjective is. Brooks says something about the adjectives between like and love (a bit odd, but whatever) and she then suggests the following words: stepping, skipping, jogging, running, finish line. Errrrmmmm... wah!?!? GIRL. Did you not attend 6th grade? (Probs no, since you say "times that" instead of "multiply that," but I digress). Stepping, skipping, jogging, running--those are VERBS and to get a lil fancier, those are also gerunds. (I love a good gerund, don't you? My fave is probably "dangling" since it's a gerund about what modifiers do--HEYO!) The last item in your list, Desiree, "finish line" is not a verb OR an adjective, but rather a noun. Please try to be consistent in your idiocy, if nothing else. Brooks appeared supremely confused by her ignorance of adjectives, but that didn't stop him from saying he'd love to bring her home to meet the parents. Nice.
Up next is a 1:1 with Chris and the pair board a dope yacht where they strip down to swimsuits and rub sunblock on each other (apparently people actually DO that when trying to be sexy--I always thought it was an urban legend... well, not urban really--a beach legend. Whatever--I'm saying that stuff like that only happens in 80s teen movies.)
That's where I had to jet to do my make-up, so I'll write the rest of this recap very soon. I love you, sweet jazzy cats!!
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