Amigos!
We all know that on January 6th, a new season of the franchise that America loves to hate--The Bachelor--will come roaring back with Juan Pablo (who is apparently going by just "Juan" now) in the driver's seat of that train bound for glory (and if not "glory," at least an all expenses pair, televised wedding). But what's more important than Juan and his harem of inevitably long haired ladies?
The fact that I will be back to doing my life's work--writing snarky, rock & roll trivia-filled recaps of every episode--but not on this blog. No, sweet friends. Selena's moving on up in the world. Not moving up to the east side like the Jeffersons. No, I'll be moving from my personal account here on blogger to Huff Post TV.
Yes, my phenomenal recaps will be read by even more Bachelor-addicted, wine-drinking jazzy cats who secretly wish that Chris Harrison would coach them after dates. I'll post the links here just in case any blogger die-hards have a hard time finding their way over to Huff Post TV.
Check out a preview and listen to Juan's sexy accent here.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
One year ago
Hello amigos!
We were lucky and the whole time we had electricity, cable TV, running water and plenty of food. What did we do all day Sunday through Thursday morning? Watched a ton of TV, took a lot of naps, drank a bunch (I had a rule that I wouldn't permit myself to start drinking wine before 3pm), and putzed around in sweats. I knew that I'd be housebound for a few days, so I had gone out just before the storm to buy paint for my bedroom. I've never been more hated than I was in the pre-Sandy days at my local hardware store--it was hilarious. While people were stocking up on batteries and plywood, I was checking out paint samples and asking about matte versus gloss. Hey, I knew I'd have some time on my hands, so I bought everything I'd need to paint a wall in my bedroom. It came out quite nice!
It was a really strange week overall and I loved how much everyone remained calm and worked together. The day that the lights came on in lower Manhattan was like a wonderful Christmas. People were gleeful at just seeing streetlights--it was very sweet.
Happy Halloween!
I've been slackin' on the bloggin' lately. Sorry. Mama's been out livin' life--you know how it goes.
I can't believe that today is Halloween. On Saturday night I was at a Halloween party (dressed up as a hella hot pin up sailor chick) and I was trying to remember what I had done for Halloween last year. It took me a moment, but then I was like, "oh yeah, my roommates and I were holed up in our apartment dropping deuces in buckets because it was Hurricane Sandy." We didn't actually drop deuces in buckets (which is more than I can say for pals I know who live in southern Manhattan) but we did go completely stir crazy and nearly kill each other.
The subways closed down on Sunday evening before Sandy hit last year. My apartment was pretty full because it was me and my 2 roommates, my roommate's devil cat Black Pussy, plus my roommate's friend who was visiting from Texas and got stranded in our apartment THE ENTIRE WEEK. She was a super nice gal, but having ANYONE take up residence in your living room for a full week during which you are also trapped in your apartment is a lot to take.
We were lucky and the whole time we had electricity, cable TV, running water and plenty of food. What did we do all day Sunday through Thursday morning? Watched a ton of TV, took a lot of naps, drank a bunch (I had a rule that I wouldn't permit myself to start drinking wine before 3pm), and putzed around in sweats. I knew that I'd be housebound for a few days, so I had gone out just before the storm to buy paint for my bedroom. I've never been more hated than I was in the pre-Sandy days at my local hardware store--it was hilarious. While people were stocking up on batteries and plywood, I was checking out paint samples and asking about matte versus gloss. Hey, I knew I'd have some time on my hands, so I bought everything I'd need to paint a wall in my bedroom. It came out quite nice!
One night, my roommate and I crossed the street to visit our local cop/fireman bar for the first time EVER and have some beers. We had a nice chat with the bartender and drank crappy domestic beer out of styrofoam cups.
Finally, on Thursday Bloomberg announced (in English AND Spanglish) that some of the subways would start running again and a LOT of shuttle busses would be moving people around. I was going nuts in my apartment (again, my living room had become a bedroom to a visiting woman), so I was determined to try and get myself to my office in midtown. It would be an adventure! I woke up Thursday and dressed in comfortable clothes: sneakers, jeans, a tank top, a Poison baseball shirt (because if you can't wear a Poison shirt into the office during a natural disaster, when CAN you wear a Poison shirt into the office? A question for the ages, truly), and my Farrah Fawcett-style vest. I threw on my iPod and backpack and hit the streets. I walked through my Brooklyn neighborhood to the Barclay's Center, where hundreds of people and about 5 busses were assembled. It was a shit show and I can't be around large crowds without having an anxiety attack, so I just kept walking down Flatbush Avenue. I had my music, it was a sunny day, and I was enjoying the start of this adventure. I walked to the Manhattan Bridge and as I attempted to locate the pedestrian entrance (it's harder to find than you'd think--seriously)and thought about sticking out my thumb to hitch, a black woman drove up to me in a sedan and asked if I'd like a ride over the bridge. There was a passenger minimum (3 people) and she had chatted with a cop who was willing to let her drive over with just 2. I looked in her backseat and there was an empty car seat, plus an empty Dora the Explorer DVD case and I thought, "This lady CAN'T be an axe murderer." So I hopped in. I closed the door and put my backpack on the floor in front of me just as she remarked that I didn't look like an axe murderer. We laughed and cruised easily over the Manhattan Bridge, chatting about what we had been through during the storm. She pulled over on 3rd Avenue and 42nd Street and we wished each other well.
I went into work for a few hours and ran into a co-worker who lived down on Wall Street. She was in the 20th floor of a high rise and had had no electricity, no running water, no toilets or showers, and no cell service. Needless to say, her few days out of work had been a nightmare, especially compared to mine ("I saw that movie 9-5 for the first time the other night and we made popcorn").
At 4:30, I started walking home because I didn't want to be walking alone in the darkness too late. In Manhattan, south of 30th Street (or so), there was simply no power. No street lights, no stop lights, no lights inside bars or stores. So I wanted to walk while before sunset. I made my way downtown and it was exciting. Cops and army patrol guys (at least I think that's what they are?) were at almost every corner directing traffic and making sure nothing got crazy. I really appreciated that and felt safe, despite the bizarre circumstances. I walked by my friend Kevin's bar, McSwiggan's (2nd Ave and 23rd Street) and they were open--serving beer by flashlights and playing music from a battery operated speaker system. I kept hustling, though. Some restaurants were selling food and drinks out of their front doors, since their dining rooms were too dark to actually seat anyone. Chinatown and Little Italy were absolutely bizarre. I walked down Mulberry Street (the heart of Little Italy) and it was empty and silent. Same with Chinatown. I wanted to stop and take photos, but I was scared that I was losing light so I just kept on walking. I made it to the Brooklyn Bridge and walked over among what felt like a large crowd. I got to the other side and walked to a restaurant in Cobble Hill where a bunch of Brooklyn-based coworkers had planned a dinner. It was quite a scene: I shared my story of hitchhiking into the office and others shared tales of 5 days of straight solitude.
At 4:30, I started walking home because I didn't want to be walking alone in the darkness too late. In Manhattan, south of 30th Street (or so), there was simply no power. No street lights, no stop lights, no lights inside bars or stores. So I wanted to walk while before sunset. I made my way downtown and it was exciting. Cops and army patrol guys (at least I think that's what they are?) were at almost every corner directing traffic and making sure nothing got crazy. I really appreciated that and felt safe, despite the bizarre circumstances. I walked by my friend Kevin's bar, McSwiggan's (2nd Ave and 23rd Street) and they were open--serving beer by flashlights and playing music from a battery operated speaker system. I kept hustling, though. Some restaurants were selling food and drinks out of their front doors, since their dining rooms were too dark to actually seat anyone. Chinatown and Little Italy were absolutely bizarre. I walked down Mulberry Street (the heart of Little Italy) and it was empty and silent. Same with Chinatown. I wanted to stop and take photos, but I was scared that I was losing light so I just kept on walking. I made it to the Brooklyn Bridge and walked over among what felt like a large crowd. I got to the other side and walked to a restaurant in Cobble Hill where a bunch of Brooklyn-based coworkers had planned a dinner. It was quite a scene: I shared my story of hitchhiking into the office and others shared tales of 5 days of straight solitude.
It was a really strange week overall and I loved how much everyone remained calm and worked together. The day that the lights came on in lower Manhattan was like a wonderful Christmas. People were gleeful at just seeing streetlights--it was very sweet.
Happy Halloween!
Friday, September 6, 2013
Coupla sad water songs
One of my favorite songs by Tori Amos is "Pick Out Your Cloud" which is a break up song that is sad and sweet. In the lyrics, Amos explores the separation by using two raindrops getting a divorce ("If the rain has to separate from it self / does it say, 'pick out your cloud?'"). I was just listening to an Alabama Shakes Pandora station and an Otis Redding song came on that I'm not familiar with. I love me some Otis Redding but this was a new one to me, "You Don't Miss Your Water." So many water-themed break-up songs out there! I love both of these. Here they are--
Tori Amos:
Otis Redding:
Tori Amos:
Otis Redding:
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
RISK! Storytelling Show
Hi pals!
After the close of Desiree's season of The Bachelorette, my life lost all meaning (cause I had no more snarky recaps to write) and I didn't have the heart to blog. So I spent my free time chilling at the beach, drinking fresh brews, and working on my biceps. But now I'm back here on the 'ole blog and tanner than ever!
Today I want to share a story that I told at a live RISK! show in June of this year at The PIT in NYC. RISK! is a wonderful storytelling show and podcast that is hosted by the brilliant Kevin Allison (alum of that killer sketch show The State). Kevin and his team (JC, Michelle) are amazing and they produce a phenomenal live show and then take many of those recordings and craft them into a brilliant podcast. I'm in this week's episode (along with some other amazing storytellers and musicians) and I couldn't be prouder. Take a listen here. I'm the last story.
Hope you're having a great summer! xoxo
After the close of Desiree's season of The Bachelorette, my life lost all meaning (cause I had no more snarky recaps to write) and I didn't have the heart to blog. So I spent my free time chilling at the beach, drinking fresh brews, and working on my biceps. But now I'm back here on the 'ole blog and tanner than ever!
Today I want to share a story that I told at a live RISK! show in June of this year at The PIT in NYC. RISK! is a wonderful storytelling show and podcast that is hosted by the brilliant Kevin Allison (alum of that killer sketch show The State). Kevin and his team (JC, Michelle) are amazing and they produce a phenomenal live show and then take many of those recordings and craft them into a brilliant podcast. I'm in this week's episode (along with some other amazing storytellers and musicians) and I couldn't be prouder. Take a listen here. I'm the last story.
Hope you're having a great summer! xoxo
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Finale Recap
Last night, America endured 3 hours of UNPRECEDENTED Bachelorette madness and the finale included everything we love: long, tear-stained walks through the jungle, belly tops, and KISSING!
The episode started off with Chris Harrison in a studio filled with shrieking Bach fans (what he would call residents of "Bachelor Nation") and our fearless host set the scene: the last time we saw Des, she was wearing a belly top and weeping on the end of a pier in Antigua. Then it cut back to Desiree in paradise talking about the Brooks break-up. Desiree rocks a peach dress with turquoise necklace and stares off at either the Caribbean Sea or the Atlantic Ocean, depending on which direction she was facing (though I'd be surprised if Des could see ANYTHING from beneath her fake eyelashes). She's still upset and says that it broke her heart that Brooks doesn't love her. In walks my new favorite therapist, Chris Harrison, and they sit down for a chat. Des holds it together until Chris asks her how she's doing, when she starts crying HARD. Ever the gentleman, Chris stays quiet and lets her cry it out (much like my favorite interventionist from A&E's "Intervention," Jeff VanVonderen. Rest in Peace, Intervention! There's a whole lot of people who love you like crazy, to quote JVV). Chris wisely points out that Des is upset about rejection from by the ONLY guy who held back from her (seriously, Chris Harrison: if you're reading this, you must pursue a life of doling out gentle tough love to women who like a-holes. I'll be your first client!). Des continues with the histrionics, saying that she wants to go home, but within a few minutes she has composed herself and she's ready to move forward. PHEW! Man oh man, that 30 seconds of super weepy Des footage was used EVERYWHERE in ads for this season! And it was over in a moment!
Since Bach is all about formal ceremonies, there WILL be a rose ceremony that day, with 2 roses to hand out and 2 guys showing up. I'm no mathematician, but I think that those are some good odds! There must be something in the water in Antigua, because when Drew and Chris arrive to the rose ceremony they are both looking HOT (maybe it's the suit-no-tie casual look at they both rocked?). The boys line up and Des explains to them that Brooks left of his own volition, then she starts crying. She pulls an Ashley and says that she'll be handing out these two roses, but that if the guys don't want to be there "let me know!" (Why is it that in EVERY Bachelorette season, there's a sense of "thank you for being here--do you really like me?" when in Bachelor seasons, the feeling is always "you're lucky to be here--I'm the decider" ya know? We'll need to go back to Women's Studies 101 to tackle that issue, I know.) So they have the most awkward, overly formal 3 person rose ceremony of all time and--shocker--Drew & Chris both get roses.
Then we are subjected to so much in-studio time wasting. I don't give a rat's ass what these random seat fillers think of all this! What is this, an episode of Donahue!? Get me back to paradise and let the tears FLOW!
Soon we're back in Antigua and Des is getting dressed in a bikini top, then belly top. You know what goes great with a belly top? UNRELENTING TEARS. Put that one in your back pocket, pussycats. Des mounts a horse and meets up with Drew (who is wearing regrettable purple shorts) so that they can ride horses down to the beach and look like the cover of a harlequin romance novel. They get to the beach, sit down for drinks, and in a move that seemed SUPER forced (maybe because he could sense Des pulling away), Drew overdoes it with a toast, saying, "to being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else." Des then drops the words that NO ONE EVER wants to hear, "I need to talk to you..." and then gurl gets a little harsh, adding, "especially after that." OUCH! Poor man's Katie Holmes is about to drop Drew like the real Katie Holmes dropped T. Cruise! (Only with fewer lawyers and no high heel wearing children involved.) I can speak for Bachelor Nation when I say that we were all BLINDSIDED by this development (and that we should probably secure our borders, recruit an army, develop a national currency--things that any nation must do). Des starts crying again, saying that she'd be so lucky to have Drew in her life and she feels like something is missing with him. Drew stoically takes it all in (like a true 1950s leading man) and responds with such grace and humility, saying that Desiree doesn't have to apologize for not being in love with him. Aww Drew! You are GOOD at getting dumped and I'm sorry for that, sweetheart! Ever the strong man, Drew hugs her goodbye then walks away. He says that he's crushed, confused and now he'll have to start over. Goodbye, sweet pussycat.
The next day, Des and Chris have a date, but Chris Harrison wants us to think that Des might dump him, too, because this shiz is unprecedented and ALL BETS ARE OFF! Desiree rocks a bikini top and flowing skirt (good look) and meets Chris for a day of kissing and canoodling on a catamaran (I hate myself for writing that, but it just flowed out of me). Des says that her feelings were "clouded" because of Brooks, but I think what she means to say is that her first pick isn't there anymore, so congrats Chris--you're getting pulled up from the JV squad and getting put in the game as a starter! Hope you don't mind wearing the old guy's mouthguard & uniform and accepting the nickname "Sloppy Seconds" (too harsh?). I'll admit that Chris and Desiree are goofy and light, whereas Drew and Des were a bit more serious and earnest. That night they make a bunch of candle lit toasts (the jist of which are: Chris thinks he's still in a contest against another guy; Desiree trusts that everything happens for a reason and she got the Heisman from Brooks so that she could notice the guy right under her nose (whose father picks his nose--aww snap we're in some patented Selena double parens! I feel so safe here in this double-walled cocoon!)). Chris says that he wants to meet Desiree's family and I can only guess that he's ignorant of Desiree's loose cannon, mildly special brother who has hand tats. Wait 'till ya meet the family--you might change your mind about all this love stuff, buddy!
Back in the studio (snooze), former Bachelor rejects (oh I mean ALUMS), Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey from last season are there to speak as Desiree's "friends" and, in a SUPER awkward setup, across the aisle from them sit Sean (their shared ex-BF) & Catherine (his chosen one)! This is more awkward than attending the wedding of a guy you made out with in college (haven't we ALL been there at least once or thrice?). They weigh in on what's happening (who cares) and the only important stuff is this: Lesley is an AWESOME gal, but she is wearing a horrible white, underwire top thing that looks like doooog shiiiiit on her (that one's for you, Katie Compa) and since Lindsay got dumped HARD by Sean (she was in the friggin' top TWO!), she has dyed her hair dark brown and gotten really into eyebrow pencil. We all heal in different ways.
Back in Antigua, Chris meets Desiree's sweet parents and psychopath brother. As soon as he sits down, Nate (crazy bro) starts grilling Chris, asking why Des should choose him, what his first impression of Desiree was, if he felt insecure about the other guys, etc. Chris and Desiree's dad have some 1:1 time, during which Chris asks for permission to propose to Desiree and they shake and hug on it. The next day, Chris sits down with Neil Lane to select the most romantic of depreciating assets: A diamond engagement ring (this phenomenon that is uniquely American and started only in the late 1930s. Read more here and here if you like.) Chris shows that he's feeling anxious and LOVES hyperbole by saying that he's in "uncharted waters and the water is cold." Also, are there sharks? Because it's SHARK WEEK, MOTHER F-ER!!!!
Finally, Desiree is putting on a gorgeous peach dress (mermaid style with sheer overlay pulled over one shoulder--perfection) and she's ready for SOMETHING. ABC keeps teasing us with clips of her saying "I don't know what I'm going to do" but GIVE ME A BREAK, Bach. As if she's going to walk away from all this and create an OKCupid account. She's getting engaged come hell, high water, or crazy brother. Desiree takes her mark on a cliffside structure and Chris arrives with ring in box in hand. They come together and Chris starts talking first, which seemed like an immediate mistake, but whatevs. He talks through all of their happy memories and travels and drops the worst romantic cliche in the world, "you make me want to be a better person." (Seriously, where did that one come from? It's SO overused and if its origin is from "Jerry McGuire" I might lose my mind because I hate T. Cruise--can you tell?) He goes to get down on one knee, but Desiree stops him! Aww snap kid, you think you're getting NEGGED! Hold back the tears!
She explains the curve ball, saying how upset she was when Brooks left, that she already sent Drew home, and that Chris was the only guy who met her family. She says that she was so blindsided by Brooks that she couldn't see how great Chris is (which is nice, I guess... but also feels a lil like a speech for a 2nd banana). Des finally says "I love you," they kiss, and then he gets down on his knee and proposes to her. We get a SWEEPING crane shot (and as I told my Twitter peeps, EVERY engagement looks beautiful when shown by sweeping crane shot, am I right? Follow me at @SelenaCoppock. I'm more shameless than that song by Garth Brooks!) then Des doe a final rose ceremony, plus we watch a montage of their dates.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!! I know, I know--I was like, "UNCLE! I give up! You guys are in love! I can't handle it anymore!" but Chris Harrison wouldn't relent. ABC sent us straight into the After the Final Rose episode even though we were overstuffed already.
Des comes out in a sparkly, white dress and chats with Chris Harrison about her journey. Chris asks her how she got through the heartbreak and my roommate and I screamed, "she was going to marry SOMEBODY!" Truth. Des admits that she liked the chase of Brooks (spoken like a 10th grade girl) and he comes out in a plaid suit with shorter hair, a short beard, and a tie pin. (Honestly, we saw MAD TIE PINS this season! Those things are making a comeback and mama likes it!) Brooks continues to be boring and unemotional and congratulates Desiree on her engagement news.
Next, Drew comes out in a blue, 3 piece suit and he asks if he could have done anything differently. He's as sweet and pragmatic as always, saying that love has to be mutual and that he fell in love with Des, it changed his life, and he has no hard feelings. Such a class act.
Last but not least, Chris comes out (in a suit and TIE PIN) and we watch Des and Chris watch their own proposal (holy self indulgence, Batman!). Then Chris gives Desiree a poem titled "My Girl" that is framed by dried rose petals (from their ceremonies) and is terrible.
But Chris Harrison knows what Bachelor Nation wants (a democratically elected president?): TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT BACHELOR WILL BE! Yes, the televised romance train must keep on moving and consume my life for another 3 months. Who will be making potential mates cry next season? JUAN PABLO! I gotta admit I love this pick--he's humble, from Venezuela (so he's hot, obvs), easygoing, and a single father to a delightful daughter. The fact that Bach producers picked Juan Pablo as their next Bachelor (and not smarmy, ambitious wanna-be Bachelors like Ben or James) shows that picking the Bach is just like sorority rush: if you want it too badly and push too hard, you won't get it.
What did you guys think of last night's finale, dear readers? Share in the comments!
The episode started off with Chris Harrison in a studio filled with shrieking Bach fans (what he would call residents of "Bachelor Nation") and our fearless host set the scene: the last time we saw Des, she was wearing a belly top and weeping on the end of a pier in Antigua. Then it cut back to Desiree in paradise talking about the Brooks break-up. Desiree rocks a peach dress with turquoise necklace and stares off at either the Caribbean Sea or the Atlantic Ocean, depending on which direction she was facing (though I'd be surprised if Des could see ANYTHING from beneath her fake eyelashes). She's still upset and says that it broke her heart that Brooks doesn't love her. In walks my new favorite therapist, Chris Harrison, and they sit down for a chat. Des holds it together until Chris asks her how she's doing, when she starts crying HARD. Ever the gentleman, Chris stays quiet and lets her cry it out (much like my favorite interventionist from A&E's "Intervention," Jeff VanVonderen. Rest in Peace, Intervention! There's a whole lot of people who love you like crazy, to quote JVV). Chris wisely points out that Des is upset about rejection from by the ONLY guy who held back from her (seriously, Chris Harrison: if you're reading this, you must pursue a life of doling out gentle tough love to women who like a-holes. I'll be your first client!). Des continues with the histrionics, saying that she wants to go home, but within a few minutes she has composed herself and she's ready to move forward. PHEW! Man oh man, that 30 seconds of super weepy Des footage was used EVERYWHERE in ads for this season! And it was over in a moment!
Since Bach is all about formal ceremonies, there WILL be a rose ceremony that day, with 2 roses to hand out and 2 guys showing up. I'm no mathematician, but I think that those are some good odds! There must be something in the water in Antigua, because when Drew and Chris arrive to the rose ceremony they are both looking HOT (maybe it's the suit-no-tie casual look at they both rocked?). The boys line up and Des explains to them that Brooks left of his own volition, then she starts crying. She pulls an Ashley and says that she'll be handing out these two roses, but that if the guys don't want to be there "let me know!" (Why is it that in EVERY Bachelorette season, there's a sense of "thank you for being here--do you really like me?" when in Bachelor seasons, the feeling is always "you're lucky to be here--I'm the decider" ya know? We'll need to go back to Women's Studies 101 to tackle that issue, I know.) So they have the most awkward, overly formal 3 person rose ceremony of all time and--shocker--Drew & Chris both get roses.
Then we are subjected to so much in-studio time wasting. I don't give a rat's ass what these random seat fillers think of all this! What is this, an episode of Donahue!? Get me back to paradise and let the tears FLOW!
Soon we're back in Antigua and Des is getting dressed in a bikini top, then belly top. You know what goes great with a belly top? UNRELENTING TEARS. Put that one in your back pocket, pussycats. Des mounts a horse and meets up with Drew (who is wearing regrettable purple shorts) so that they can ride horses down to the beach and look like the cover of a harlequin romance novel. They get to the beach, sit down for drinks, and in a move that seemed SUPER forced (maybe because he could sense Des pulling away), Drew overdoes it with a toast, saying, "to being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else." Des then drops the words that NO ONE EVER wants to hear, "I need to talk to you..." and then gurl gets a little harsh, adding, "especially after that." OUCH! Poor man's Katie Holmes is about to drop Drew like the real Katie Holmes dropped T. Cruise! (Only with fewer lawyers and no high heel wearing children involved.) I can speak for Bachelor Nation when I say that we were all BLINDSIDED by this development (and that we should probably secure our borders, recruit an army, develop a national currency--things that any nation must do). Des starts crying again, saying that she'd be so lucky to have Drew in her life and she feels like something is missing with him. Drew stoically takes it all in (like a true 1950s leading man) and responds with such grace and humility, saying that Desiree doesn't have to apologize for not being in love with him. Aww Drew! You are GOOD at getting dumped and I'm sorry for that, sweetheart! Ever the strong man, Drew hugs her goodbye then walks away. He says that he's crushed, confused and now he'll have to start over. Goodbye, sweet pussycat.
The next day, Des and Chris have a date, but Chris Harrison wants us to think that Des might dump him, too, because this shiz is unprecedented and ALL BETS ARE OFF! Desiree rocks a bikini top and flowing skirt (good look) and meets Chris for a day of kissing and canoodling on a catamaran (I hate myself for writing that, but it just flowed out of me). Des says that her feelings were "clouded" because of Brooks, but I think what she means to say is that her first pick isn't there anymore, so congrats Chris--you're getting pulled up from the JV squad and getting put in the game as a starter! Hope you don't mind wearing the old guy's mouthguard & uniform and accepting the nickname "Sloppy Seconds" (too harsh?). I'll admit that Chris and Desiree are goofy and light, whereas Drew and Des were a bit more serious and earnest. That night they make a bunch of candle lit toasts (the jist of which are: Chris thinks he's still in a contest against another guy; Desiree trusts that everything happens for a reason and she got the Heisman from Brooks so that she could notice the guy right under her nose (whose father picks his nose--aww snap we're in some patented Selena double parens! I feel so safe here in this double-walled cocoon!)). Chris says that he wants to meet Desiree's family and I can only guess that he's ignorant of Desiree's loose cannon, mildly special brother who has hand tats. Wait 'till ya meet the family--you might change your mind about all this love stuff, buddy!
Back in the studio (snooze), former Bachelor rejects (oh I mean ALUMS), Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey from last season are there to speak as Desiree's "friends" and, in a SUPER awkward setup, across the aisle from them sit Sean (their shared ex-BF) & Catherine (his chosen one)! This is more awkward than attending the wedding of a guy you made out with in college (haven't we ALL been there at least once or thrice?). They weigh in on what's happening (who cares) and the only important stuff is this: Lesley is an AWESOME gal, but she is wearing a horrible white, underwire top thing that looks like doooog shiiiiit on her (that one's for you, Katie Compa) and since Lindsay got dumped HARD by Sean (she was in the friggin' top TWO!), she has dyed her hair dark brown and gotten really into eyebrow pencil. We all heal in different ways.
Back in Antigua, Chris meets Desiree's sweet parents and psychopath brother. As soon as he sits down, Nate (crazy bro) starts grilling Chris, asking why Des should choose him, what his first impression of Desiree was, if he felt insecure about the other guys, etc. Chris and Desiree's dad have some 1:1 time, during which Chris asks for permission to propose to Desiree and they shake and hug on it. The next day, Chris sits down with Neil Lane to select the most romantic of depreciating assets: A diamond engagement ring (this phenomenon that is uniquely American and started only in the late 1930s. Read more here and here if you like.) Chris shows that he's feeling anxious and LOVES hyperbole by saying that he's in "uncharted waters and the water is cold." Also, are there sharks? Because it's SHARK WEEK, MOTHER F-ER!!!!
Finally, Desiree is putting on a gorgeous peach dress (mermaid style with sheer overlay pulled over one shoulder--perfection) and she's ready for SOMETHING. ABC keeps teasing us with clips of her saying "I don't know what I'm going to do" but GIVE ME A BREAK, Bach. As if she's going to walk away from all this and create an OKCupid account. She's getting engaged come hell, high water, or crazy brother. Desiree takes her mark on a cliffside structure and Chris arrives with ring in box in hand. They come together and Chris starts talking first, which seemed like an immediate mistake, but whatevs. He talks through all of their happy memories and travels and drops the worst romantic cliche in the world, "you make me want to be a better person." (Seriously, where did that one come from? It's SO overused and if its origin is from "Jerry McGuire" I might lose my mind because I hate T. Cruise--can you tell?) He goes to get down on one knee, but Desiree stops him! Aww snap kid, you think you're getting NEGGED! Hold back the tears!
She explains the curve ball, saying how upset she was when Brooks left, that she already sent Drew home, and that Chris was the only guy who met her family. She says that she was so blindsided by Brooks that she couldn't see how great Chris is (which is nice, I guess... but also feels a lil like a speech for a 2nd banana). Des finally says "I love you," they kiss, and then he gets down on his knee and proposes to her. We get a SWEEPING crane shot (and as I told my Twitter peeps, EVERY engagement looks beautiful when shown by sweeping crane shot, am I right? Follow me at @SelenaCoppock. I'm more shameless than that song by Garth Brooks!) then Des doe a final rose ceremony, plus we watch a montage of their dates.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!! I know, I know--I was like, "UNCLE! I give up! You guys are in love! I can't handle it anymore!" but Chris Harrison wouldn't relent. ABC sent us straight into the After the Final Rose episode even though we were overstuffed already.
Des comes out in a sparkly, white dress and chats with Chris Harrison about her journey. Chris asks her how she got through the heartbreak and my roommate and I screamed, "she was going to marry SOMEBODY!" Truth. Des admits that she liked the chase of Brooks (spoken like a 10th grade girl) and he comes out in a plaid suit with shorter hair, a short beard, and a tie pin. (Honestly, we saw MAD TIE PINS this season! Those things are making a comeback and mama likes it!) Brooks continues to be boring and unemotional and congratulates Desiree on her engagement news.
Next, Drew comes out in a blue, 3 piece suit and he asks if he could have done anything differently. He's as sweet and pragmatic as always, saying that love has to be mutual and that he fell in love with Des, it changed his life, and he has no hard feelings. Such a class act.
Last but not least, Chris comes out (in a suit and TIE PIN) and we watch Des and Chris watch their own proposal (holy self indulgence, Batman!). Then Chris gives Desiree a poem titled "My Girl" that is framed by dried rose petals (from their ceremonies) and is terrible.
But Chris Harrison knows what Bachelor Nation wants (a democratically elected president?): TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT BACHELOR WILL BE! Yes, the televised romance train must keep on moving and consume my life for another 3 months. Who will be making potential mates cry next season? JUAN PABLO! I gotta admit I love this pick--he's humble, from Venezuela (so he's hot, obvs), easygoing, and a single father to a delightful daughter. The fact that Bach producers picked Juan Pablo as their next Bachelor (and not smarmy, ambitious wanna-be Bachelors like Ben or James) shows that picking the Bach is just like sorority rush: if you want it too badly and push too hard, you won't get it.
What did you guys think of last night's finale, dear readers? Share in the comments!
Monday, August 5, 2013
In non-Bachelorette news....
My Emmy nominated brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, is hilarious (as is my other brother-in-law Jon). Check out Bobby's latest hilarious brilliance in this video:
http://vimeo.com/52408036
http://vimeo.com/52408036
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: And Then There Were Three (Recap)
Last night, Chris Harrison FINALLY stopped his lying, boy-who-cried-wolf ways and we experienced something that was truly UNPRECEDENTED in Bachelorette/Bachelor franchise history. What happened? You'll soon find out, sweet pussycat.
The episode started off with Desiree at the bow of a boat sailing around Antigua with her voiceover blathering on about the fairy tale angle. Yeah, that fairy tale where producers pull strings and force emotions and all of America watches and cringes--you know that 'ole story! A classic just like Beauty & the Beast (or wait... is Desiree's fairy tale that one? Cause I gotta say Brooks is completely NON-hot). Desiree super casually name-drops the exact name of the Antiguan resort, then walks to the dock where she appears to read a Bible. We see a montage of Desiree's history with the three remaining suitors (because apparently ABC doesn't trust Americans to retain ANYTHING from the last 9 weeks of episodes). The run-down is pretty much:
CHRIS: Des likes his nice body and poetry and says "I love his awkwardness." Not the most "hot for you" thing to say about a potential mate.
DREW: His body is frigging INSANE. Dude has a friggin' 10-12 pack and a face like an extra from "Happy Days" plus he's super sweet with his developmentally disabled sister. IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH!
BROOKS: They don't grow 'em more witholding and seemingly disinterested than Brooks. To add insult to injury (or whatever), dude speaks in a whisper. Blech.
The first 1:1 date in Antigua is with Drew and he admits that he "didn't even know this place existed!" Oh, do they not cover Caribbean geography in your 1950s high school? Just a whole lotta pep rallys and homecoming dances there, Drew? Des & Drew (or as I call 'em: D&D--shitty dynamite) hop in an open top Jeep (and Des tells Drew that he has to drive because Desiree's lady brain would probably get them lots on the island, right?) and drive to a "festival" (which looked a lot like a bunch of paid extras, random crew members, and some local junk merchants) where they shop, awkwardly limbo, and enjoy steel drum music. Then they head to a cliff where they eat pineapple and Drew says that the day Desiree met his family was the happiest day of his life (wowza--dude--THAT was the happiest day of your life? Umm... have you never left your hometown with two middle fingers in the air while reciting the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Leash"? Just me? I guess that Drew and I have different definitions of happiness).
That night, their romantic, beachside dinner is rained out, but that doesn't stop them from a quick, rainy make out, just like that song from Billie Myers (1997, what what!) and while D and D play tonsil hockey (NO PADS OR HELMETS! HUH?), the producers scramble to set up a romantic Plan B setting. Apparently, to the set designers at Bach Headquarters "romance" means a whole lotta bright throw pillows and table runners. Desiree and Drew chat by candle light and Drew says that he's ready to propose. D&D both play their roles in the predictable tradition of the legendary FANTASY SUITE NOTE (ostensibly from Chris Harrison, which is pretty damn creepy) with the standard language "should you choose to forego your individual rooms blah blah blah fantasy suite." Both act surprised and intrigued by this prospect (despite the fact that they could have recited that text without so much as opening the envelope) and retire to the bedroom, where Drew says, "all right guys, time to leave," and we're reminded that their make-out sessions are witnessed and taped by a crew of people.
Meanwhile, Brooks is whispering (the only way he knows how to talk--LEARN SOME ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE BEFOR YOU RUIN YOUR VOICE, KID!) about how he's not quite ready to tell Des that he loves her and he feels torn. He flies to Boise, Idaho where his family owns yet ANOTHER McMansion, and talks to his mom and sister about his mixed feelings. Brooks explains that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to her and mom/sister push him to end things completely. They both seem pleased that he's not going through with it. So off he flies to Antigua to dump a girl on television (and you thought it was a schlep to travel to a local bar and dump your ex!).
But first, Chris and Desiree have a 1:1 date and Des makes the greatest fashion faux pas of the season (and perhaps her life). Words won't do this justice, so I captured the monstrosity on my phone for you, dear readers.
Now, to play devil's advocate for a moment (although I LOATHE people who play Devil's advocate generally. They're just argumentative contrarians who want to prove you wrong), perhaps Des got a little overexcited about her tropical getaway and bought this fringed vest there on location. I did that once in Vegas (because you can pack your skimpiest dresses for a trip to Vegas, but you get there and suddenly the dress that was sexy at home looks like a nun's habit under the bright lights of the Vegas strip) when I bought a SUPER SLINKY dress (by Vegas standards, which means it's little more than a bikini to be worn out at night) from bebe that I have worn a grand total of once (that time in Vegas). So perhaps that's what Desiree went through with this vest. Either way, it's hella busted.
Des and Chris have a fun date, despite her tragic vest. They make out on the beach ("From Here to Eternity" style), swim, stand on some rocks, write their names in the sand, and Chris describes his love for Des using Savage Garden lyrics. That night, they have a romantic dinner and talk about their future while some loud, high pitched shrieks happen in the background (local animals? kids on swings for hours? crying dogs?). Des asks about where they'd live at the end of all this and Chris manages to sound flexible while essentially saying that in the future he'll be staying in Seattle, thank you very much. Then the fantasy suite card appears with its standard text and Chris says that he'd love to watch the stars with Des (that aint the only thing you'll be watching HAAAAAAAY!), so they retire to said suite. The suite is decorated with a lot of candles and familiar looking pillows (that are probably covered in Drew's DNA from the previous night). Chris breaks out a fresh poem (OF COURSE) about how he's excited for forever with Des. Soon they're back in their swimsuits, making out poolside while that damn squeaking noise drones on. ROMANCE!
Finally, it's the day that WE know will be the day of reckoning, but Des does not. Poor girl is just rocking some white jean shorts, a belly top, and a big grin. Oh gurl, as my viewing pal Julia Johns (@juliaguli8) said "your belly AND your heart are about to be exposed." Aww snap! Truth! But before Brooks can crush Desiree's dreams, he's gotta get through a round of conversation with armchair therapist Chris Harrison.
Brooks and Chris sit down and Chris pulls out all the stops: are you SURE that you're not in love? Do you think that some alone time in the fantasy suite would give you a chance to ask any outstanding questions you might have? Have you ever been in love before? Brooks answers the questions with his patented bizarre perspective and whisper talk. He says that his head tells him that this is the end with Desiree, but his heart doesn't (huh?). He says that knows how love feels and to him it feels like pain and vulnerability (huh?) and that's not how he feels with Des. And he drops the line that everyone in the world is tired of: "I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her." Oh shut up. Did you hear that line in a romantic comedy and tuck it away for when you might need it? Because it's moronic.
Finally, Desiree and Brooks meet up and girl is GLOWING. Brooks is, understandably, freaking out and he immediately guides her to a bench at the end of a long dock (DON'T JUMP, DES! Brooks is a tool and not worth it.) It's hard to watch her go from ELATED to see him, to confused about what is going on, to heartbroken. If Desiree's psychotic, tatted-up brother were there, Brooks would have been beaten to a bloody pulp within moments. Brooks draws it out and talks in circles like the chickenshit pussface that he is. Poor Des sits there and listens, like an inverse poor man's Katie Holmes (cause ya know how Katie pulled some NINJA moves to drop her alien husband T. Cruise). Finally, she curls up in a ball and starts crying HARD, asks him, "why now?" and then says, "I don't care that you just broke my heart--I love you." Oh girl. Don't tell this guy ANYTHING good. Just WALK AWAY. They sit on the bench and marinate on things for FAR too long. (If I were Des, I'd be like, "I wasted the cutest daytime outfit of the whole episode on THIS? You can hardly even see my sick abs cause I'm curled up in this ball of heartbreak!") Finally, they get up so that Brooks can go back to his freakishly large family in Utah. They hug in the driveway and Brooks tries to console Desiree, but as I learned with my ex from 2008 (whose "career" is something I check on occasionally to make sure it's still there, stalled at the side of the road), HE can't help you get over HIM. Walk away. FINALLY Desiree does and Brooks does, too. He has an emotional tantrum in the jungle and Des sits on the end of the dock and bawls.
AND THAT IS WHERE THEY LEFT US. I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison: that shiz was UNPRECEDENTED! Next week we have another great performance by Desiree's waterproof mascara and everyone's favorite unlicensed shrink, Chris Harrison.
Des, this one's for you:
The episode started off with Desiree at the bow of a boat sailing around Antigua with her voiceover blathering on about the fairy tale angle. Yeah, that fairy tale where producers pull strings and force emotions and all of America watches and cringes--you know that 'ole story! A classic just like Beauty & the Beast (or wait... is Desiree's fairy tale that one? Cause I gotta say Brooks is completely NON-hot). Desiree super casually name-drops the exact name of the Antiguan resort, then walks to the dock where she appears to read a Bible. We see a montage of Desiree's history with the three remaining suitors (because apparently ABC doesn't trust Americans to retain ANYTHING from the last 9 weeks of episodes). The run-down is pretty much:
CHRIS: Des likes his nice body and poetry and says "I love his awkwardness." Not the most "hot for you" thing to say about a potential mate.
DREW: His body is frigging INSANE. Dude has a friggin' 10-12 pack and a face like an extra from "Happy Days" plus he's super sweet with his developmentally disabled sister. IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH!
BROOKS: They don't grow 'em more witholding and seemingly disinterested than Brooks. To add insult to injury (or whatever), dude speaks in a whisper. Blech.
The first 1:1 date in Antigua is with Drew and he admits that he "didn't even know this place existed!" Oh, do they not cover Caribbean geography in your 1950s high school? Just a whole lotta pep rallys and homecoming dances there, Drew? Des & Drew (or as I call 'em: D&D--shitty dynamite) hop in an open top Jeep (and Des tells Drew that he has to drive because Desiree's lady brain would probably get them lots on the island, right?) and drive to a "festival" (which looked a lot like a bunch of paid extras, random crew members, and some local junk merchants) where they shop, awkwardly limbo, and enjoy steel drum music. Then they head to a cliff where they eat pineapple and Drew says that the day Desiree met his family was the happiest day of his life (wowza--dude--THAT was the happiest day of your life? Umm... have you never left your hometown with two middle fingers in the air while reciting the lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Leash"? Just me? I guess that Drew and I have different definitions of happiness).
That night, their romantic, beachside dinner is rained out, but that doesn't stop them from a quick, rainy make out, just like that song from Billie Myers (1997, what what!) and while D and D play tonsil hockey (NO PADS OR HELMETS! HUH?), the producers scramble to set up a romantic Plan B setting. Apparently, to the set designers at Bach Headquarters "romance" means a whole lotta bright throw pillows and table runners. Desiree and Drew chat by candle light and Drew says that he's ready to propose. D&D both play their roles in the predictable tradition of the legendary FANTASY SUITE NOTE (ostensibly from Chris Harrison, which is pretty damn creepy) with the standard language "should you choose to forego your individual rooms blah blah blah fantasy suite." Both act surprised and intrigued by this prospect (despite the fact that they could have recited that text without so much as opening the envelope) and retire to the bedroom, where Drew says, "all right guys, time to leave," and we're reminded that their make-out sessions are witnessed and taped by a crew of people.
Meanwhile, Brooks is whispering (the only way he knows how to talk--LEARN SOME ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE BEFOR YOU RUIN YOUR VOICE, KID!) about how he's not quite ready to tell Des that he loves her and he feels torn. He flies to Boise, Idaho where his family owns yet ANOTHER McMansion, and talks to his mom and sister about his mixed feelings. Brooks explains that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing to her and mom/sister push him to end things completely. They both seem pleased that he's not going through with it. So off he flies to Antigua to dump a girl on television (and you thought it was a schlep to travel to a local bar and dump your ex!).
Now, to play devil's advocate for a moment (although I LOATHE people who play Devil's advocate generally. They're just argumentative contrarians who want to prove you wrong), perhaps Des got a little overexcited about her tropical getaway and bought this fringed vest there on location. I did that once in Vegas (because you can pack your skimpiest dresses for a trip to Vegas, but you get there and suddenly the dress that was sexy at home looks like a nun's habit under the bright lights of the Vegas strip) when I bought a SUPER SLINKY dress (by Vegas standards, which means it's little more than a bikini to be worn out at night) from bebe that I have worn a grand total of once (that time in Vegas). So perhaps that's what Desiree went through with this vest. Either way, it's hella busted.
Des and Chris have a fun date, despite her tragic vest. They make out on the beach ("From Here to Eternity" style), swim, stand on some rocks, write their names in the sand, and Chris describes his love for Des using Savage Garden lyrics. That night, they have a romantic dinner and talk about their future while some loud, high pitched shrieks happen in the background (local animals? kids on swings for hours? crying dogs?). Des asks about where they'd live at the end of all this and Chris manages to sound flexible while essentially saying that in the future he'll be staying in Seattle, thank you very much. Then the fantasy suite card appears with its standard text and Chris says that he'd love to watch the stars with Des (that aint the only thing you'll be watching HAAAAAAAY!), so they retire to said suite. The suite is decorated with a lot of candles and familiar looking pillows (that are probably covered in Drew's DNA from the previous night). Chris breaks out a fresh poem (OF COURSE) about how he's excited for forever with Des. Soon they're back in their swimsuits, making out poolside while that damn squeaking noise drones on. ROMANCE!
Finally, it's the day that WE know will be the day of reckoning, but Des does not. Poor girl is just rocking some white jean shorts, a belly top, and a big grin. Oh gurl, as my viewing pal Julia Johns (@juliaguli8) said "your belly AND your heart are about to be exposed." Aww snap! Truth! But before Brooks can crush Desiree's dreams, he's gotta get through a round of conversation with armchair therapist Chris Harrison.
Brooks and Chris sit down and Chris pulls out all the stops: are you SURE that you're not in love? Do you think that some alone time in the fantasy suite would give you a chance to ask any outstanding questions you might have? Have you ever been in love before? Brooks answers the questions with his patented bizarre perspective and whisper talk. He says that his head tells him that this is the end with Desiree, but his heart doesn't (huh?). He says that knows how love feels and to him it feels like pain and vulnerability (huh?) and that's not how he feels with Des. And he drops the line that everyone in the world is tired of: "I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her." Oh shut up. Did you hear that line in a romantic comedy and tuck it away for when you might need it? Because it's moronic.
Finally, Desiree and Brooks meet up and girl is GLOWING. Brooks is, understandably, freaking out and he immediately guides her to a bench at the end of a long dock (DON'T JUMP, DES! Brooks is a tool and not worth it.) It's hard to watch her go from ELATED to see him, to confused about what is going on, to heartbroken. If Desiree's psychotic, tatted-up brother were there, Brooks would have been beaten to a bloody pulp within moments. Brooks draws it out and talks in circles like the chickenshit pussface that he is. Poor Des sits there and listens, like an inverse poor man's Katie Holmes (cause ya know how Katie pulled some NINJA moves to drop her alien husband T. Cruise). Finally, she curls up in a ball and starts crying HARD, asks him, "why now?" and then says, "I don't care that you just broke my heart--I love you." Oh girl. Don't tell this guy ANYTHING good. Just WALK AWAY. They sit on the bench and marinate on things for FAR too long. (If I were Des, I'd be like, "I wasted the cutest daytime outfit of the whole episode on THIS? You can hardly even see my sick abs cause I'm curled up in this ball of heartbreak!") Finally, they get up so that Brooks can go back to his freakishly large family in Utah. They hug in the driveway and Brooks tries to console Desiree, but as I learned with my ex from 2008 (whose "career" is something I check on occasionally to make sure it's still there, stalled at the side of the road), HE can't help you get over HIM. Walk away. FINALLY Desiree does and Brooks does, too. He has an emotional tantrum in the jungle and Des sits on the end of the dock and bawls.
AND THAT IS WHERE THEY LEFT US. I gotta hand it to Chris Harrison: that shiz was UNPRECEDENTED! Next week we have another great performance by Desiree's waterproof mascara and everyone's favorite unlicensed shrink, Chris Harrison.
Des, this one's for you:
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