Bachelor Colton Premier: LIKE A VIRGIN (DO YOU GET IT??)

Lovebugs!!

Happy day-after-day-after-wha-day-it-is-anyway-after-Bachelor-premier day!! I'm so glad it's a national holiday because I am HUNGOVER!! JK JK I am in the midst of Dry January so I watched 3 hours of The Bachelor Monday night while chugging tea and mocktails! Wheeee!

OK, first off, can we talk about how damn HARD ABC is hitting the VIRGIN thing re: Colton!??!?!!

I mean, I understand that every season they go with a sort of gimmick or theme/tagline that is usually derived from the Bachelor or Bachelorette's personality ("what's wrong with being confident" for Kaitlyn Bristow) or job (pilot Jake Pavelka's corny "on the wings of love" season) or mantra (recent Becca's "let's do the damn thing" tiresome catchphrase), but this just feels invasive.  And the entire episode felt invasive!! I realize that I sound like my 2nd to last therapist (and I ALSO realize that this sentence is the MOST NEW YORK sentence ever), but DOES NO ONE HAVE ANY SENSE OF BOUNDARIES ANYMORE!??!!

I guess that I give Colton credit that he's just rolling with the punches and he doesn't seem the least bit offended or annoyed by CONSTANT virginity questions (most of which are HIGHLY inappropriate and none of your damn business!), but nonetheless, I find the whole theme pretty damn distasteful!! Am I officially turning into an old grump?? I am!! Ahh well.

These promos for Colton's season are getting INSANE!! WE GET IT!!! 

OK, so if you watched Monday night, you know that it was a 3 hour tour and there was SO MUCH FLUFF.  It was truly BIZARRE how much extraneous shit went down.  There were 4 locations that had Bachelor alums (as I like to call them, "rejects") and cameras and Chris Harrison was toggling LIVE from Kaitlyn and Jojo at a watch party in Dallas, TX (along with Chris Harrison's GORGEOUS mother who seems lovely), Ashley I. and Jared at a watch party in Park City, Utah, Jason and Blake at a house party in Lansing, Michigan, and Chris Harrison at a theater in LA!!  We bounced between these places and celebrated Chris Harrison's 17th year as the defacto President of Bachelor Nation, watched 2 different couples get engaged LIVE on TV, had to witness Baby Talk Krystal and her weasely fiancee Chris in a G-D hot tub for NINETY MINUTES before we even got INTO the episode!! It was utter insanity!!  I was struck by how much the franchise is pushing an assortment of these alums--Kaitlyn, Jojo, Ashley I, Jared, and such.  Perhaps for spin-off opportunities? Lord, who knows!

I hosted a watch party at QED in Astoria Queens (and will mostly likely be hosting a finale watch party, so keep your ears open for that, New Yorkers) and we all wanted to just GET TO THE first night, please!!

First we saw some B roll footage of assorted women in their hometowns:

-Cassie the speech pathologist from Hunginton Beach, CA who needs to work on her curling wand skills.

-Hannah from Alabama (she calls herself Alabama Hannah which I love/hate) who was literally Miss Alabama 2018 and said that she is the "hot mess express" and a "total trainwreck" and goddamn I can't decide if I love her candor and free spirit or if I think she is setting feminism back 50 years!! Either way, she's very cute and I bet Colton will love her.

-Katie who is an east coast native but lives in Cali now. She loves dancing and refers to herself as "kinda weird" which I can definitely respect. 

-Heather the SUPER long-haired blonde from Calsbad, CA who is 22 and has NEVER BEEN KISSED! OR HUMPED! YIKES, man. I mean, how do you make it through your teen years without ANY of that? I was VERY UGLY when I was an adolescent and yet some scuzzy dude wanted to lick my tongue, ya know? 

-Onyeka who is from Dallas, TX and whose parents dated for TWO WEEKS before they got married. Lemme tell ya--when your parents have a super short courtship, it really screws up your sense of what a normal timeline for a relationship is.  My parents got engaged after 2 months! And I ruin all my relationships! Wheeeee! 

Plus we meet Nicole (Miami girl who seems fun and kind), Kirpa (super sweet dental hygenist), and Demi (sorta monster 23 year old know-it-all who seems to be intent on living the "Cool Girl" monologue from GONE GIRL).

Then Colton comes out and chats with Chris Harrison (another departure from season's past when all participants would seemed to be locked up in the Bachelor Manse until the big finale) and we see a slide show of Colton as a pudgy kiddo (SO CUTE) and we get SOME window into his perpetual virgin status, as we learn that he used to be pudgy and socially awkward and he hated school. Dude--my heart goes out to you. I think that a LOT of people relate to the "former fat kid" thing (and "fat kid" can be code for myriad insecurities--pasty white kid or kid from a different background than most other kids in his/her town or kid with a birthmark on his/her face or kid with a disability or kid who just didn't quite feel comfortable in his/her own skin) and--dare I say--I felt like that peek into his childhood humanized Colton. OH BACHELOR, DON'T TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS!!!

We see some footage of Chris Harrison saying that some people think that Colton's "not a man" because he's a virgin (lil unnecessarily harsh, huh?) and, at long last, it's time for the arrivals and I could barely keep my eyes open. Chop chop, people!

Oh no wait BUT FIRST, we gotta watch a montage of Bachelor couples/families!! Jason and Molly and their kids! Evan and Carly and their kid! JP and Ashley and their kids! Desiree and Chris and their kid! Jade and Tanner and their kid! Trista and Ryan and their kids! And the most reviled couple in Bachelor history, Arie and Lauren and a photo of their fetus!  It was like some sort of super conservative, super heteronormative film strip pushing young Americans to marry and have children!

THEN we caught up with Krystal and "Goose" (weasely Chris) in a hot tub.  Was anyone else unnerved by the fact that they were both holding mics mere inches from a bubbling hot tub? Just me?

OK, after MORE fluff and weird D list appearances by Bachelor franchise has-beens, it was FINALLY time for the arrivals!  I can't go through them 1 by 1 because it's just too much, but I will summarize in bullet form because you know I love a bulleted list.

• Demi was first out the gate which was a SHOCKING choice since the producers usually start strong. She wore separates that look like they were purchased at the Sandals Resort gift shop after her luggage was lost but she was determined to make the best of it. When Colton remarked on the color, she said "banana yellow" and then insulted him, saying that she hadn't dated a virgin since she was 12. Good luck, biiiiiiiish! 
• Caelyn (Miss North Carolina) wore her pageant sash (barf) BUT I liked her cute maneuver when she flipped it over to show that it said "Mrs. Underwood." Lil aggressive, but memorable. 
• Sydney's black dress had the COOLEST neckline. 
• Tayshia made a great first impression by commenting on how Colton loves kids. 
• Caitlin (brunette from Canada) and Katie (black dress, we met her above) both opened with crewd jokes about popping his cherry/taking his V card and Colton was a good sport BUT I DO NOT LIKE IT, YOUNG LADIES! 
• The lone Masshole of the show (Alex D from Cape Cod) wore a Sloth outfit and REALLY COMMITTED to the bit which I respect yet think it's a bad move when you are up against 2 Miss America constants, a few models, and an NBA dancer. 
• Bri (aka Dead Eyes) is a model from Cali and she faked an Australian accent which I suppose is cute, although I hate any type of lying. She ALSO looks like a poor man's Lauren Bushnell, so that may need to be her nickname. Or maybe a hybrid--Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell? 
• Tracy arrived in a cop car and called herself the fashion police (she's a wardrobe stylist). Problematic tweets from Tracy's past have already been unearthed and I'll be curious to see how long she kicks around--especially because she's 31, which is elderly in Bachelor years.
• Catherine (this season's Tierra/Courtney/Rozlyn/Krystal) is a commercial real estate agent/DJ FROM FLORIDA!! One more time, she has a job that I have known to be ONLY the vocation of absolute SHITBAG men (commercial real estate) PLUS she is ALSO a DJ who goes by DJ AGRO and sweet baby Jesu you can't make this stuff up!  She is blonde and from Florida and most likely lying about her age and pumped full of fillers (Florida's gonna Florida) AND she arrives with her TINY DOG who she immediately hands off to COLTON to take care of because she's manipulative and has no boundaries!! AHHHHHH!!!! I CAN'T EVEN! 
• The last girl has listed her job as "Cinderella" and what man doesn't love a woman who is obsessed with fairy tales, am I right!?!?  She arrives in a goddamn horse-drawn carriage and a periwinkle dress, then leaves her shoe with Colton and tells him to find her before midnight. Woof. Sorry, Erin, 29 from Plano, TX, nobody is into your corny gimmick.  

The cocktail party pops off and as soon as Colton is done making a toast to new beginnings, falling in love, and taking chances,  Demi grabs him, much to the ire of the other 28 women and 1 sloth.  She, again, puts HIM in the hot seat and patronizes him and I just hope he is SEEING her, you know? Also, am I the only one who is SO MUCH more aware of these dynamics and manipulations than I used to be? Goddamn adulthood is wonderful. 

Colton talks to a ton of the ladies: Erika (silver dress and fishtail braid, she gave him nuts at the door because McNut is her last name), Hannah (a "content creator" which means a rich girl who likes Instagram although I DO LIKE her gold dress/overall style), Caelyn (Miss North Carolina, who scores the first kiss on the front steps), Sydney (who tries to teach him ballroom dancing as a string quartet plays one of my favorite songs, Clair De Lune), Tayshia (who makes a fake carnival?), Alex B (the sloth who FINALLY removes her sloth costume to reveal a pretty brutal personality--sorry, Mass girl--you're on your own), and Catherine (this season's captain of Team Misery).  Catherine cuts in on other women's conversation with Colton FOUR TIMES, to the point that Colton makes a joke of it but it felt like a subtle attempt for him to express frustration with her constant interrupting.  I give credit to Onyeka who not only disrupted Catherine to give her a taste of her own medicine, but later pulled DJ Agro aside and warned her that she was making enemies by constantly cutting in.  Colton kisses Cassie (speech pathologist whose white dress with floral pattern is just too casual for ARRIVAL NIGHT, I'm sorry) and Katie (cute girl from above who seems very genuine).  Finally Alabama Hannah gets some long-awaited face time with Colton and she makes a solid impression and they do a pinky swear thing which was very cute.

"Content Creator" Hannah (gold dress, gold box as opening gift to Colton) scores the First Impression Rose and she is very cute and surprised by it. Perhaps I can see past her non-job.  She IS a blonde, after all, so I should support one of my sisters in peroxide.

OK gals.  It's Thursday now and mama's tired.  Let's jump to the rose ceremony which took place IN THE MORNING, no joke. Not even at sunrise--it looked like MID DAY by the time these poor ladies were accepted or rejected.  Here is who scored roses:

-Caelyn (Miss North Carolina who is cute, but also reminds me of girls who you sort of think are cute, when you're really just seeing a LOT of hair and a big smile, you know?)
-Katie (they have chemistry no doubt and her black dress was a classy choice)
-Alex B. (BIG smile, brunette sparkly green dress who entered with Love Actually-style posterboards because she's sick. Cute move, gorgeous gal.)
-Hanna B. (Alabama Hannah whose dress was perfection--pageant girls know how to do it)
-Onyika (wise sage of the episode whose sparkly, silver dress was a perfect look)
-Caitlin (Canadian brunette who was--turns out--rocking a red romper and I LOVE her for that choice)
-Annie (blonde in a periwinkle dress with a silver belt thing. She seems sweet, inoffensive.)
-Kirpa (dental hygienist in super sparkly purple dress and a cool French braid thing, but the earrings/necklace were too much. Let's keep an eye on her accessories this season, gang.)
-Heather (never been kissed blondie in a fierce, red dress)
-Elyse (lone redhead in a blue dress with her hair pushed to one side AND YOU KNOW I LOVE A HAIR-TO-ONE-SIDE LOOK, BABY!)
-Tayshia (seems cool and rocked a gorgeous one shoulder silver dress)
-Courtney (Georgia peach who didn't get much face time with Colton, rocked a sparkly, blue dress)
-Cassie (blonde in white, patterned dress that I did NOT like, but Colton is INTO her)
-Demi (patronizing 23 year old (HA!! GOD LOOK AT THAT PHRASE) in "banana yellow" separates (ON PURPOSE?) I'm sorry but every little thing she does is THE WORST. I hate to be a hater but I am!)
-Nina (Croatian blonde seems fine)
-Erika (blonde in silver dress, fishtail braid who should work on her boundaries but lucky for her, she's gorgeous so she will have time to fix her personality)

**at this point in the thrill-a-minute rose ceremony, we heard a voice over of Tahzjuan (a gorgeous contestant who was, no doubt, anxious about whether she would be picked) said, "If I was a human being and I was looking for a wife..." seemingly, to talk about how some of these ladies are not "wife material" but NOTHING KILLS  ME MORE than her saying "if I was a human being." First off, she should use the subjunctive mood here ("if I were") but then, maybe not, because I ASSUME SHE IS A HUMAN BEING, NO?? What a bizarre comment! I love it! Back to the roses.**

-Sydney (NBA dancer in cool black dress whose ballrooom dancing seemed to impress Colton)
-Bri (Dead Eyed Lauren Bushnell in a red dress)
-Angelique (YES! She has amazing arms and rocked a stunning purplish pink dress)
-Tracy (WOOF. Fashion police girl who likes to mock fat people. I hope she doesn't stay long.)
-Nicole (Miami, green dress, she seems cool.)

AND FINALLY IT IS TIME FOR THE FINAL ROSE!! WHO WILL GET IT? THE SLOTH? THE SWEET GIRL WHO WORKS IN GODDAMN ELDERCARE? THE INFLUENCER?

-Catherine (the resident MONSTER who is a real estate agent/DJ and pawned her poor dog off onto Colton the moment she arrived. Get some boundaries, lady! But OF COURSE she's sticking around! The producers demanded it, no doubt. I WILL admit that I loved her red dress--super short, bell sleeves, fun look. Why has she gotta suck so much, though?)

So who is going home to launch an Instagram empire and sell us Fab, Fit, Fun Boxes via their apartment in Nashville?

-Sloth Cape Cod girl. Sometimes when you bet big, you lose big.
-Adrianne "Jane" who works in eldercare, but perhaps should have picked 1 name to go with?
-Tahzjuan who seemed cool and rocked a RAD dress, but maybe wasn't pushy enough as far as face time?
-Cinderella whose corny gimmick did NOT seem to impress Colton (good call, bro)
-Ravina the "nurse" and influencer. At least she can get back to her beloved music festivals.
-Devin who seemed fun, rocked a blush, sparkly dress but apparently didn't make an impression.
-Laura who resembled Snow White but apparently Colton is NOT having ANY Disney princesses. 

That is 7 girls sent home, which seems like more than usual, no? So we have 23 remaining, it seems. Also I am terrible at math and only here to make jokes and comment on hair/make-up, so whatevzzzz!!

Should be a RAD SEASON!!

Who are your favorites for this season???? Comment below!! xoxo

BACHELOR COLTON IS ALMOST HERE

Greetings, love bugs!!

It was a busy fall so I totally neglected my blog but I am back in action because, as you no doubt know, a fresh season of The Bachelor is about to kick off and COLTON is the first-ever VIRGIN BACHELOR and we haven't seen this much hemming and hawing over when a person would lose his/her virginity since the Olsen twins were tweens!!

I will be recapping all season long, as per usual.  But more important, I will be hosting a LIVE premier watch party at QED in Astoria, Queens (take the N or W to the last top and it's a few blocks from there) on Monday Jan 7th!!  The event is doors at 7:00pm, then at 7:30pm I'll be sharing a short PowerPoint that I am creating for the big kick-off (no joke), then at 8:00pm The Bachelor starts and there is a firm NO TALKING rule.  But we can talk during commercial breaks. 

Come hang out with me!! And check back here all seasons for my silly recaps in which I weave my own stories of heartbreak into judgments about this reality TV show and also talk way too much about hair, make-up, and dresses.

In the words of our last Bach leader, LET'S DO THE DAMN THING!!

October 2018 - Bachelor updates, podcast, show, etc.

Hey lovers!

In the immortal words of Jim Anchower, it's been a while since I rapped at ya.  You last heard from me at the close of The Bachelorette, when Becca inexplicably selected anti-trans shitbag Garrett over America's sweetheart Blake.  It was a tragic end to a very dramatic season of The Bachelorette—more on that beloved franchise in a minute.

I had a lovely summer that included lots of beach time (my fave), plus had a summer romance that ended in early September.  It was too bad that it ended, but I was relieved once we called it off.  When a guy comes on super strong with declarations of love and excitement and fancy dinners and suggests travel plans, then balks when you respond in kind, it's a real mind fuck and it's hard to recover, act natural, and keep on smiling when your confidence has been killed.  And I don't think that he meant to undermine my confidence—I think he just sorta spooked himself and got in over his head. So it was a relief when we broke up because I wasn't at my best—in fact, I feel like I was at my worst.  During our last few weeks together, I second-guessed every word out of my own mouth, every joke, and every comment, which just feels crappy and it wasn't fun for HIM, either.  So that's all done, I wish him well, and now I shall go back to dating only men who work with their hands (ideally, in the profession of punching others in the face).

But enough of my personal shiz—let's talk about COLTON!!

The genius monsters at ABC announced Colton as the next Bachelor right after the close of Bachelor In Paradise.  I don't commit to B in P the way that I commit to The Bachelor/The Bachelorette because sometimes mama needs a break, people!  I tuned in occasionally—just long enough to watch Jordan and that nerd guy BE OBSESSED with each other, and Krystal and Chris (aka LITERALLY THE TWO WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME) fall in love, and lots of ladies wear tassel earrings (so hot right now), so I feel like I "get it."

Now let's talk Colton as America's VIRGIN BACHELOR.

We know him from Becca's season of The Bachelorette and pre-Becca, Colton not only hooked up with Becca's friend Tia (who I will always have a soft spot for because she's from Arkansas, where I have lots of family who I love), but he also dated Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman (who is a native of Needham, MA where I lived until I was 3).  And no, dear reader, there were NO visits to Hump City in either case.

Now, don't get me wrong—Colton is HOT AF, seems really fun and easygoing, is very smiley, gets along with others, and used to play professional football (YEZ YEZ YEZZZ PLEASE) so I am buying what he's selling, so to speak. I'm picking up what he's putting down, if ya catch my drift. Kid can get it, naaaaah mean???? 

But here is what's wrong with producers selecting him as the next Bachelor: he is being exploited for his virgin status.

WHAT!?

I thought that only WOMEN (girls) could be exploited for their virginity and sold as "child brides"  (a nice euphemisms for sex slave) to older men???

I realize that this fluffy blog post just got REEEEAL DARK but stay with me.

Colton is a virgin, a personal fact that he was hesitant to share with Becca until late in the season and a fact that he has previously kept hidden and, in some cases, lied about. Poor guy was a pro football player living The 40 Year-Old Virgin ("a bag of sand!").  That has got to be hard and he has been doing it for so many years, that I suspect that his virgin status has become so much a part of his personality, his life's journey, his identity, that it will be hard for him to part with that.

I mean, it's hella crass to have the Fantasy Suite episode roll up and to have America be like, "LOSE IT! LOSE IT! LOSE IT!" re: Colton's virginity. It is SO MUCH PRESSURE on the poor hottie.  If Colton is smart, he'll cash in his V card before his season starts, get in a few rounds of practice, and THEN hump 3 women in 3 nights in the fantasy suite.

But I'm sure he won't do that.

He has gotten SUCH a kind reception from Bachelor Nation for sharing that he's a virgin and discussing notions of masculinity and sexuality and how toxic they can be. I give him SO MUCH credit for sharing his story, owning it, and not being ashamed. Honestly, it's super refreshing and I have a TON of sympathy for how much pressure is on young men to "man up" and get head, get laid, drink beers, punch things, fit into heteronormative gender roles of what guys are "supposed" to be.

But I think that when something is SO MUCH a part of your identity, as Colton's virginity is to him, it's extremely unappealing to change.  It's like years and years ago when I stopped doing comedy and just tried to work and chill/watch TV at night.  It lasted a few months, then I got back into comedy because it's simply who I am. So  much of my own identity, my own self-assessment is caught up in the fact that I do comedy—I couldn't walk away from that.

So I will be curious to see if Colton EVER loses his virginity during his season. I imagine that at some point in his life, Colton will finally hump, but I wonder if he will do it while the cameras are rolling and the pressure is on, ya know? We shall see!

A few quick other things:

-In two weeks, I will be launching TWO WICK MINIMUM: A Candle Podcast for Candleheads (on iTunes and all those places where you can get podcasts). I am SO excited. The first season will be 10 episodes and each episode is a roughly 30 minute conversation between me and a fellow candlehead. We talk about all the HOT TOPICS in the candle community and have some laughs. It makes me so happy. My amazing producer is the brilliant Katie Compa and she is truly the reason that any of this is happening. I have been talking about doing a candle-cast for so long and it's finally happening! I'll alert you when the first episode is live, lovers!

-This weekend on 10/20, the variety show that I co-produce with my wonderful friend Lauren Maul, BITCHCRAFT, is back! We have a jazzy line-up of standups, storytellers, singers, and more! Doors at 7:00, show at 7:30, $5 at the door. Come on by!  We're at Sid Gold's Request Room (26th Street near 7th Avenue).

And of course I'll be recapping Colton's season of The Bachelor when it kicks off (January, I think).  Happy fall, friends! xoxo

Bachelorette Becca Finale: NO NO NO NOOOOO BECCA WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!

Hello, lovers!

I'm still shell shocked from last night's finale—are you?  Thankfully, I spent it among Bachelor Nation palz at QED in Astoria where I hosted a watch party and had SUCH A BLAST!! What a treat to meet some readers of this 'ole blog!! Thank you for enjoying my silly asides about my parade of ex-boyfriends, Katya (sp?)!!

The episode kicked off with our man Chris Harrison warning us that this finale was quite possibly "the most emotional finale of all time" and I gotta say NO IT WAS NOT!!!  Ya know what was emotional? When Rachel and Peter broke up because he was unwilling to budge on proposing and Rachel literally CRIED HER FAKE LASHES OFF HER DAMN FACE. Ya know what was emotional? When Brooks (tall drink of water who HAD to have been Mormon) dumped frigging Desiree while he was in the top 3 and she admitted that she was probably going to pick him and she LOST IT. Ya know what was emotional? A few days after THAT, when Desiree accepted a proposal from sweetheart Chris (her now husband) and essentially said, I feel awful because I think that I didn't fully appreciate you and you were my love and right under my nose all along.  Ya know what was emotional? That time that Tierra nearly froze to death (JK JK JK that was simply HILARZ and the fact that such a high-maintenance girl thought that SEAN "salt of the Earth simpleton" LOWE would be in to THAT attitude shows that she has worse judgment than Garrett does.  OHHH BURN!!!) We'll get to Garrett later (OH YES WE WILL) but my point is, this was NOT an especially emotional finale, despite the buzz.

It was a standard final episode: they're all somewhere INSANELY HOT and stuck wearing suits or heavy, sequin dresses in direct sunlight.  Can they EVER get the finale temperature right? Chris Soules finale was somewhere FREEZING, but more often than not the finale is somewhere steamy hot.  Why can't we get a finale near a beautiful tree on a fall day, ya know?

But I digress.

Becca's family (lotsa uncles, her mom, her sister Emily who apparently DID NOT PACK leave-in conditioner) are in The Maldives and Becca is eager to introduce them to Garrett and Blake.

Garrett is up first and we get some voice over from Becca saying that their courtship was slower, he's revealing himself more slowly, and their relationship is growing.  Contrast that with what she said about Blake, which is that their relationship has been solid from the start, consistent, and that her heart recognizes his heart (a phrase that gives me dumb chills and yet I also love).

Garrett arrives with wine and flowers, wearing a short sleeved button down, tan shorts, and his standard goofy grin.  They talk about how Garrett gifted Becca a keepsake fly, which I can only assume looks like this:

They sit down to lunch and Garrett woos the family by proposing a toast that mentions people who are "looking down from above," that is, addressing her late father.  OK listen, some people might find that lovely or sweet of him, perhaps even respectful but I find it to be 100% the opposite.  To me it seemed completely inappropriate, disrespectful, and manipulative.  Becca's MOTHER lost her HUSBAND. How about you let HER mention her late husband before YOU DO, stranger?  Does that make sense?  I just hate it when people co-opt tragedy for their own purposes—it's so gross.

The family EATS IT UP, though, then Garrett does a LOT of crying and choking back tears and that shit is like catnip to the Kufrin family, shockingly enough.

Up next is handsome Blake who hides a KILLER BODY beneath that floopy head and funny attitude.  He's in a white button-down (that is SWEAT SOAKED and see-through within SECONDS) and pink shorts, plus toting gorgeous flowers and a nice bottle of wine.  He says that he is "crazy..... [too many seconds]... crazy about your sister" to Emily, repeatedly insists that he LOVES strong, independent women (we get it, woke feminist boi), fields a TON of questions about how he would handle rejection (OUCH! YIKES! HUH!?), and finally, is asked for dirt about Garrett by Becca's bonkers uncle.

HUH!?!?!?!

The entire thing was bananas and hurtful.  I think that Blake had a hard time because he was going in COMPARED to Garrett—not just going in as the new guy, ya know?  It's like at an audition when the casting director is fresh and energetic for the early slots but tired and grumpy by late in the day.  Not that I go on many auditions, dear reader—I'm convinced that my face is just too rubber-y and animated for commercial acting.

BUT ANYHOOOOOO.

Blake has a BAD gut feeling and literally says, "she's going to pick Garrett" and, spoiler alert, he's right.  Where did it all go so wrong!?!?!?

I have a theory (of course I do): it's almost like rehearsing for a big stage show.  If you have a big ensemble cast and a big opening weekend, you want to allow your production enough time to get comfortable with the material, get polished, get GREAT, but you don't want to have a rehearsal season so long that by the time you mount the show, the cast is already tired.  Does that make sense?  I think that if the finale had been a week or two earlier, Blake would have "gotten the girl" as it were.  But, no, the season was so long that by the time it was "SHOWTIME," Becca was tired of him.  Garrett's timing (as far as relationship development) was PERFECT in that it felt exciting every week, she learned about him constantly, and they peaked at the perfect moment for the finale.

Now let's address the alt-right elephant in the room.

Using his old Instagram account, Garrett "liked" SUPER problematic posts mocking transgendered individuals, liberal women, and DAVID HOGG, A VICTIM OF THE PARKLAND SCHOOL SHOOTING.

Read about it and look at the examples here.

I CANNOT ABIDE THIS.  Only last night did I learn about the crisis actor conspiracy theory and that one was really the end of the line for me.  Listen, I have dated former military, FBI, DEA, cops, firefighters—I'm familiar with conservative men and I enjoy debating those dudes (I am liberal AF).  And I understand that we are living in a rapidly-changing society with new apps and programs popping up daily.  I see all of it and YET STILL I CANNOT ABIDE HIS CHOICES.  It's "just" a click on Instagram, but those clicks are meaningful.  Those clicks normalize memes that are toxic and irresponsible.  Parkland kids lived through a goddamn MASSACRE.  They did not ask for this. They saw shit that our most grizzled veterans can hardly stomach.  And they were fucking KIDS. They still ARE KIDS.

And at around hour 2.75 of the finale spectacular when Garrett and Becca discussed the Insta controversy, they BARELY addressed it and his faux apology was weak sauce.  He danced around the issues, spoke in vague terms, and essentially said, Becca is pretty liberal and I liked those things but it doesn't align with HER values.  I can't tell if he's just dumb or was trying to act as though SHE is a NAG somehow, you know?

Also, dude, here's a quick re-write of your apology.  How about something like this:

I want to take ownership for the bad choices I made in liking Instagram posts that I found funny at the time. I have done a lot of soul-searching about this and I have read about the plight of transgendered individuals in our nation.  I have looked at the horrifying murder rates for trans citizens, and specifically, trans citizens of color, and I am ashamed that I liked these posts. I have spoken to veterans who served in war zones and engaged with innocent, wide-eyed local kiddos and learned about their experiences. I have followed the moves of the brave Parkland kids—teenagers who are doing more for the gun control movement than adults could muster for many decades. And I have thought about my role in this—it's NOT just a click, it's NOT just a simple "double tap," and it's not OK. I wish to work on myself and make more responsible, respectful, and adult choices in the future and I only hope that Becca will be by my side as I endeavor to become a better man.

Or something like that.

Wheeeeee!! Is this recap too HEAVY????

Let's lighten it up with some solid moments of idiocy from the finale:

-When Becca's sister Emily said to a crying Garrett, "I wish my fiancee cried like this." HAHAH!! Too bad the fiancee couldn't bother to come on a free trip the Maldives!
-When Chris Harrison shamelessly promoted every damn ABC franchise that's currently airing
-When Becca's mom gave that crucial advice to "be happy." Thanks for your wisdom, mom.
-When they were on a boat and Garrett was asking Becca about her sister, then interrupted himself with "oh dolphins! Right there!" Expect a lifetime of dumb shit like that, Becs.
-When Garrett said that he likes how Becca pronounces the word "bag."
-When Garrett said that Becca doesn't give him butterflies, but rather EAGLES!! Oh God this guy really IS a Conservative.


(This is legit the worst hymn of all time. I'm sorry but it's true. Give me "His Eye is on The Sparrow" ANY DAY over this dreck.)

-The fact that it was CONSTANTLY RAINING when poor Blake was feeling anxious about being sent home and dude was RIGHT.  As they say in the book "The Gift of Fear," TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!  YOUR GUT IS ALMOST ALWAYS RIGHT!
-When Becca pulls a Jojo and dunks with a full face of make-up and fake eyelashes then looks ROUGH afterward.
-There was a WHOLE LOTTA pastel this episode and I loved it. Way to showcase your tans, gang!! Remember: if you can't tone it, tan it!
-How insane is it that Blake MADE HER A REALLY SWEET GIFT and Garrett made her NOTHING? In most seasons, the final 2 suitors have gifts for their love.
-Garrett has HORRIBLE taste in jewelry--WOW!  Then again, this is a guy who elects to live in Reno, NV so I suppose we knew that he has bizarre taste.
-I had to groan when Becca said, "I found my partner in this... and I also found myself." I hate that type of thinking—it's along the lines of "I was incomplete until I had a partner." BARF. No you weren't. You're only as incomplete as you decide you are. Single people aren't flawed or fuck ups or incomplete. They're just single and you don't know their story.

Finally, it's time for Becca and The Boyz to sweat through some expensive clothing.  The first dude to arrive is Blake and at the QED Watch Party, we all started screaming, knowing that the first arrival is always the reject.  Sweet Blake gave a lovely speech to a dead-faced Becca (seriously she looked NOT happy and not empathetic). Blake was DRIPPING sweat. Literally at one point, a drip of sweat fell off his NOSE. Good Lord. Somehow, Becca's face didn't show any sweat and I have to wonder if she pulled some pageant tricks to avoid sweat and shine. Have you you heard about what women do in pageants to read as non-sweaty or thin from stage, but it's a setup? I believe that I have heard that they would smear deodorant on their faces as the bottom layer (to stop sweat), then coat foundation, make-up over that. Did I just make that up?

Either way, Becca seems to have SHUT DOWN and even as she dumps him, she doesn't cry a tear.  It was remarkable to watch, especially if you have watched these dramatic, emotional proposals take place before.  She give him a pretty non-committal breakup, stating that she pictured him being the last man standing for so long, but he's not. He accepts it calmly and you can see his heart breaking. I admire that he calmly told her that he thinks she's making a mistake and then said, "I love you" as he left. Oh man. Then he was given a wash cloth to WEEP INTO. Poor little hottie.

Then, unlike we have EVER seen in the past, we cut RIGHT TO HIM in the studio and Chris Harrison tries to squeeze more tears out of him, then brings out Becca for maximum embarrassment and heartbreak.  The whole thing felt remarkably exploitative—even moreso than the standard level of exploitation involved in The Bachelor/The Bachelorette.

Becca comes out, fresh from a spray tan booth (or having JUST emerged from a container of cinnamon), rocking a gorgeous purple dress (with COOL ASSED DIAGONAL HEM), sparkly earrings, and a tasteful ponytail with face framing layers. Blake is gracious as HELL, saying that he is still so glad that she was his Bachelorette (that sounded a lil like a student thanking his elementary homeroom teacher, didn't it?), that there are no hard feelings, and that this won't keep him down.

Oh Blake, you were too good for this Bach.

Then it's time to watch a dude who is, essentially, an alt-right troll win the heart of America's favorite brunette.  Garrett enters the sizzling beach and does his speech about how she is his world, yadda yadda yadda. She chimes in and for one, brief, shining moment, you can tell that Garrett thinks he's about to get dumped.  Alas, it's not to be.  She says that she has been holding back on dropping the 'ole 143 (I LOVE YOU in beeper parlance—where my pals who attended high school in the 90s at!??!?!) and so when she says it to him (using his full name), he knows that means he's THE GUY.  He picks her up and they make out HARD :)

Then he gets on one knee and presents her with an engagement ring that is just as putrid as it was free.

It's truly gotta suck when your 1st engagement ring (to Pasty Snooze Arie who later broke your heart) is SO MUCH PRETTIER than your 2nd engagement ring from a guy who probably thinks that the idea of someone in a bathroom stall next to him being a different sex at birth than he was is somehow oppression FOR HIM.

She gives him the final, final rose and I need to go back to white roses for a while, ya know? Need a little palette cleanser.  Plus, white or lighter colored roses are my favorite (in case you are reading this, NEW BOYFRIEND MARK).  Garrett make a classic Garrett move and says, "sorry fellas—she's off the market—she's all mine" because women are possessions that are either owned by other men or by you.  Yup yup.

Soon Garrett and Becca are reunited in the studio and she is SELLING THAT RELATIONSHIP like it's a damn Cutco Knife Set.

Hello, neighbor! My mother said that you'd be willing to listen to me peddle these Cutko Knives to you. Thanks so much—this is my summer job and yes, it's a pyramid scheme. OK, have you ever seen someone CUT a PENNY in HALF?

Becca talks about crying into a quesadilla and Garrett makes the aforementioned non-apology for mocking the trials and hardships of his fellow citizens.  Solid couple.  They are being send BACK to the Maldives for a getaway (just chill out until Instagram stops being so popular, so maybe like, a couple decades?) and then they're shown their parting gift—a shitbox MINIVAN!!!

What did you think of the season overall? Was I too hard on Garrett? Not hard enough? Do you think this will last?  Do you think the next Bachelor will be Jason or Blake? Feel free to comment and, as always THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading. I am always SO touched by people who read this wackadoo blog—I really mean that.

I may live tweet Bachelor In Paradise (@selenacoppock) but I'm not totally sure. Mama needs a break!! xoxo

Bachelorette Becca Ep 10: The Men SPILL TEA!!! (Tell All)

PALS!!

Monday night was Bachelor Nation's most beloved, bitchy, petty episode of every Bachelor/Bachelorette season, THE MEN TELL ALL.  And TELL THEY DID!! (JK it was actually a pretty standard Men Tell All which is to say, everyone looked the BEST they have ever looked, some shade was thrown, and a dozen dudes had their final moment of TV fame).

I missed the first 30 minutes because I was en route back from a long weekend spent upstate with friends on a writer's retreat.  A writer's retreat is a fun way of going upstate of drink, eat, and be lazy, then crank out some brainstorms for writing projects during your last 2 hours at the house. That's precisely what I did!

So I missed the first 30 minutes but my roommate Lola informed me that during said half hour, Jean Blanc (the dude who was a professional "perfumer" and "big watch wearer" or something) openly mocked the former professional football player, Colton, and the fact that Colton is still a virgin. Cool move, dude who seems to have made a job out of "smelling good" and "being metrosexual."

Apparently Connor was in the house making good comments and wearing glasses, which I can only imagine was HOT LIKE FIRE. As they kids say re: sex, Connor can get it. (Too crass?)

I joined in once we were having a few guys get in the "hot seat" as Chris Harrison INSISTS on calling it, despite the fact that it gives all of us in Bachelor Nation major dumb chills.

We heard from Florida-based male model Jordan, who remains unable to talk about anything other than himself, yet is somehow almost charming? His mortal enemy, David, was rolling his eyes and, hey man, I'm just glad David still has the ability to ROLL his eyes after the face plant that he took off the top bunk.  Leo was there with his hair FLOWING down, but there was no sign of his man bun sidekick (aka The Other Manbun).  Wills rocked a killer plaid suit and red boots, in classic Will fashion (LITERAL FASHION, GET IT?) and during his time in the "hot seat" (barf) was very emotional and candid.  Do you see Wills as a possible Bachelor?

Colton got in the hot seat (oh God someone get me a new barf bag because this one is FULL UP) and was VERY emotional about the shame he carries about being a virgin and how troublesome that is, especially within the pro sports community (I can only imagine, you hot BOI). I think that Producers might want Colton to be the next Bachelor because I can totally see that ad campaign:

Colton is The Bachelor.



AND IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME!! Fantasy Suite virginity loss, baby!

But I think that Jason is giving Colton a run for his money, as far as campaigns to be the next Bachelor.  Jason looked fantastic, came off as SUPER self-aware, was absolutely gracious in processing his rejection and heartbreak, and even gave Becca a big hug when she came out. I think he would be a GREAT Bachelor and not JUST because he's old college buddies with the golden retriever of the Patriots, GRONK.

He's as shocked as you are that he's BFFs with Jason

So yes yes, Becca came out and looked like a smoke show—dark, lacy, clingy dress, sparkly hoop earrings, hair curled perfectly and set off to one side, excellent tan—perfection.  She spoke to all of the guys and was super generous of spirit to Jordan, Jean Blanc, everyone.  Chris (creeper from FL with bad facial hair, a BAD attitude) very wisely apologized profusely to Becca and he must have watched the season with a self-aware woman who explained it all to him, because he spoke the vocabulary of "getting it"—he admitted that he was entitled, he didn't listen to her, he was too pushy, he was selfish.  Yeah you were.  OK bye now.

Overall, a pretty standard Men Tell All and the only surprises will likely be the casting of the next Bachelor.  But before that, we have some Bachelor in Paradise to witness (starting 8/7). But before THAT, we still have a season finale of THIS Bachelorette season to enjoy! 

I'll be hosting a Bachelorette finale watch party at QED (wonderful theater in Astoria) on Monday 8/6.  More information here.  Come on out!  We will NOT be talking during the show but I'll be doing some color commentary during commercial breaks.  Come on out!

Bachelorette Becca: Ep 9: Fantasy Suites aka Pound Town aka Bone Zone aka Hump City: Population 2

Yo yo yo!

Monday night was the infamous Fantasy Suite episode of this season of The Bachelorette aka Test Drive it Before You Take it Off the Lot (if you know what I mean wink wink wink).  It's the episode in which ABC airs primetime coverage of a lucky lady humping down 3 dudes in 3 nights--like a sex version of Hannukah, but for fewer nights.  Did Becca run out of (body) oil over those 3 crazy nights? We'll soon find out...

Becca and her trio of fuck buddies are all in Thailand and Becca kicks things off by informing us that she is IN LOVE with 2 guys, and falling in love with a 3rd.  If you have been paying ANY attention at all this season, you know that the underdog is Jason.  A buffalo wing eating contest just can't make up for connections made early in the season, no matter how good your hair is. 

She maps out her questions for the Week In Sex:
-can Garrett "challenge" her? (read: he's a simpleton and not very bright--will that eventually get annoying?)
-can Jason catch up to the other guys? (answer: no)
-can Blake win the whole damn thing (answer: seemingly, yes, if his own insecurity and jealousy don't eat him alive before he can get down on one knee)

Blake gets the first 1:1 and the couple walks up Monk's Trail and gets to a threshold after which they cannot kiss or TOUCH!  They seemed to be attempting to "accidentally" touch wrists as they walked up uneven terrain, which was very cute and made me curious about super chaste dating. Could all of that repression somehow be fun? Could we all stand to set some stricter boundaries with regards to touching, in order to elicit a later payoff that will be super hot? And, finally, am I talking like goddamn Carrie Bradshaw right now?

They walk up to a temple where they are lead in by a young monk and they are blessed by an older monk.  The younger monk translates for the younger monk (TYPICAL! Vice President level fat cats never have to do the work--I bet that younger monk is a damn intern--JK JK!) and says that there are 4 things a couple needs to have a strong house/home/foundation: honesty, adaptation/adjustment, patience, giving/generosity. 

Woa woa woa—is The Bachelorette imparting some ACTUAL lessons on how to have a good relationship!? HUH??!?! Who hijacked my favorite TV show!? I want TRASHBAGS fighting TRASHBAGS over inconsequential issues and inevitably picking the wrong partner! This is NOT what I signed on for!!

After these lessons, Becca and Blake bring an Anita Ford hit song to life and ring a bell (HEYO! I love disco music and I don't care who knows it!), disparage Arie (please do so at least 3x per episode or I will DIIIIIIE), and change for night time hang out (aka their trip down SEX LANE if you're picking up what I'm putting down). 

That night, Becca rocks a cute, summery, low cut white dress and metallic heels (yezzz plzzzz), Blake is in a black button down (his uniform), and the talk about heartbreak, being in your head, jealousy, being in love with multiple people at once, and Blake's super cute tendency to look for a reason to STAY, not a reason to GO. Oh man.

They make out hard and then read the infamous note that invites them to "forego their individual rooms" for a night in Sex City, USA! Or rather, Sex City, Thailand!!!  When confronted with this option, Blake says, "ummmm YAH" which made me laugh.

They close the door on the camera and then we watch them cuddle the next morning and can we all agree that Blake's body was a LOT better than we were expecting!? I was impressed. Nice little lower back thing going on, dude.  They hug goodbye and Becca scurries home to wash Blake off of her because Jason is on his way!

Jason rolls up in a white, short sleeved button down, grey shorts, sneakers, and his signature Wall Street monster-style slicked back hair. Becca looks super cute in a matching polka dot top and skirt, plus wedges.  They walk around a Sunday market, eat crickets, watch local women perform a beautifully choreographed dance in the street (and JOIN IN because AMERICA!!!!), then head into a temple to explore. As they exit the temple, Becca makes an offhand comment about a future apartment and FREAKS HERSELF OUT. It seemed like she was just talking about HIS current apartment, but she seemed to think she made some grand proclamation about THEIR FUTURE HOME or something, so she freaked out, began breathing heavily, and needed to go hyperventilate to a producer, leaving poor Jason to sit on the steps of a temple alone.

Throughout the season, Becca has repeatedly walked off during moments of high stress and tension and while I suppose I appreciate the stress that she must be enduring and attempting to manage, this move REALLY disrespects the other person. It leaves them ALONE, completely clueless as to what is happening, and perhaps feeling like they are being mocked. Just me?

We watch Becca breathe and freak out, hold up her hair, and say that she feels weird, she's freaking out. Bachelor Nation gets ZERO resolution for that one (and neither does Jason, I guess?) since we cut straight to them at nighttime meeting up for "dinner" (beer). Jason looks fantastic--black shirt, light pants, nice shoes, sweet tan.  Becca looks beautiful in a dark blue maxi dress with large floral pattern, hair parted in the middle and half up/half down, lovely jewelry.

They catch up on how things went during her hometown date (interesting move: focus on the past if you need to muddle through an event with a guy that you don't see a future with), his feelings, and her head being "all over the place." She AGAIN, asks to leave and have a moment to herself and again, Jason graciously obliges.

She returns and explains that this is brutally hard but she can't put him through an overnight if it's not 100% there.  He gracefully pushes for the overnight (YEEEEAH BOOOOY), saying that this experience (this JOURNEY, one might say) is about pushing boundaries and seeing/learning if perhaps "it" IS indeed there. Basically, dude is a GOOD LAY and thinks that his fuck skills can turn this boat around.  Becca isn't having it, though—she explains that she sees a future more with the other men, that she feels awful for blindsiding him, and that she wants him to be happy.  He also wants HER to be HAPPY (OMG this is the cutest, most respectful breakup I have seen since my ex Jack and I high fived each other once we completed our breakup talk). It all happens very quickly—Jason is wise to save face by just getting out of there ASAP. After all, what "resolution" do you get from hearing someone repeatedly say that they just don't like you enough? Sometimes you just gotta bounce, not embarrass yourself too much, and know that your heart starts healing with every step you take away from this person. Am I an expert in getting over a breakup or what!?

Once she's alone (well, "alone" with a camera crew, segment producer, a handful of PAs), Becca has a dramatic meltdown of moaning, crying, and claiming "I just did to him what Arie did to me" which didn't make much sense to me and my Bachelor Nation Crew. She just dumped him—it's too bad, but it happens. She didn't propose then reach out to an ex to know she had a safe place to land, then rescind the proposal, then dump him but act too chicken to SAY THE WORDS so she made HIM say them, then refuse to leave his home. She did NOT pull an Arie at all!

The next day was Becca's date with Garrett and mercifully, she was able to smile through it, straddle jump on his tight body, and laugh as Thai citizens splashed her with river water.  Garrett and Becca's date was to go upright rafting down a river but it was a Thai national holiday, so that river was PACKED!

Thai families were all over celebrating, swimming, rafting, splashing, drinking, and eating. The pair got caught in a raft traffic jam that looked like a less colorful version of this:

After they had their fill of rafting and staring at a baby elephant, Becca and Garrett rubbed feet and talked about their relationship. Garrett is sweet, but, like Becca, I wonder, does she "challenge" him at all? Can they have REAL talks about REAL issues?  

That night, Becca rocked a look that was straight out of the Express catalogue circa 1996: a white, lacey button down with a BIG collar (I legit owned that shirt in black), a white skirt, hair in a loose bun—it was a good look, if a bit dated.  Garrett was in his legally required black, short sleeved button down, plus tan pants and sneakers.  On pillows placed in a lovely campsite, they discussed his fears of getting divorced again, the fact that his career (medical sales) can go anywhere, his shock that it has all worked out so well, and their shared feelings of happiness. Then it's time for Chris Harrison to encourage them to hump down (via greeting card), and before you know it, they are climbing up into a treehouse for a sky high hump! 

When the tree house is rocking, don't come a knocking!

The next morning, they enjoy breakfast in the treehouse before Becca wanders off in tiny, white shorts, a teeny white tank top, and a little umbrella because it was starting to rain and she was about to turn into a walking wet T-shirt contest.  

Becca is recovering from 2 Humps in 2 Nights (sounds like the latest Fast & Furious movie) when Jason appears at her hotel room door seeking closure.  Normally I am NOT a proponent of seeking closure from the person who dumped you. Closure is a gift you give yourself and it's never wise to put your own ability to move forward/get over a breakup into the hands of anyone else. As an old flame of mine (Kevin—one of 3 Kevins I have dated) once told me, "look, I can't help YOU get over ME" and he's right—what helped me get over Kevin was watching him fail in his comedy career, marry a super basic, boring chick, and move to LA to start being a PA at age 40. Boy oh BOY did that all help me get over him.

But I digress!  Jason shows up not to change Becca's mind (bless) but to thank her for everything she gave him (double bless, you handsome hockey boi), say goodbye, and give her a gift that he made for her.

LOOK AT THIS GODDAMN CLASS ACT RIGHT HERE, KIDS!! 

What a way to go out.  Now THAT feels like the opening bid to become the next Bachelor and I aint mad at it! Jason leaves and Becca thumbs through the photo album, saying "the world needs more Jasons." Amen. 

At this point, a rose ceremony is unnecessary so what's up next? 

A ROSE CEREMONY! 

Becca is in a red, off-the-shoulder cocktail dress and heels.  Blake looks like a young Channing Tatum showing up for a casual dance audition in a black shirt and Garrett is in a white shirt, no doubt so that we can tell them apart since Becca's type is "bland white guys with dark hair."  It's hard to differentiate one from another. 

Becca gets in position and the guys are lined up, waiting for Jason.  She tells them that she already killed Jason (JK JK she explains that she sent him home) and gives out the roses—first one goes to Garrett, 2nd one goes to Blake (and you KNOW Blake is developing a major complex about that), and Garrett is inspired enough to propose a toast all about HIS love with Becca and their shared love. Blake is SPIRALING and you can see it in his floppy head. Poor guy. 

Next week is the beloved Men Tell all episode when every dude looks ten times better than they have ever looked on TV (now that they see how much the camera truly DOES add 15-20 pounds).  I'm excited to see our old pals: Clay, Wills, Jordan, and psychotic Chris.  

Then the week after that is the 3 hour LIVE FINALE!  Blake and Garrett will be meeting Becca's family, their will be final dates, and one man's world will be DECIMATED while we eat popcorn adn watch. 

I'll be hosting a watch party at QED in Astoria for the finale, so come on out!! 

Bachelorette Becca: Ep 8: HOMETOWNS and Straddle Jumps!

Monday night was a big night for Bachelor Nation—HOMETOWNS!  Yes, the week of dates when our fearless protagonist visits FOUR families across this great nation and acts as if she is TOTALLY IN LOVE with 4 different guys.  Becca gave an Oscar-worthy performance, especially at the home of the guy who she sent packing within days of the hometown date.

But let's start at the beginning: in Manteca, California, also known as Garrett's hometown.  This means that Garrett lives in Reno, Nevada OF HIS OWN ACCORD (I think that we all just assumed that he was born there and couldn't quite escape, ya know?).  It's fitting that the Bachelorette participant who mocked immigrants and trans people on Instagram is from MANteca, isn't it? This aint WOMANteca, CA.

Becca runs up and does her signature spring-straddle-jump-make-out move in a patterned romper and booties (goodness gracious I HATE the word "bootie" so much, but I suppose that's what they are).

Becca's straddle jump is sorta like this, but a little less graceful and a lot more straddle-y.

Garrett's family is involved in agriculture (so they must enjoy some major farm subsidies sponsored by the Federal government but I bet they HATE people who take "handouts" (cough--subsidies--cough) from the Federal government but also, I don't know these people, so why am I being so negative? Snap out of it, Selena!) so Garrett invites Becca to plant tomatoes with him.  They get onto a big green tractor and sit in these little planter seats as Carlos drives the tractor around the field very slowly and they make-out while putting tomato seeds into a chute.  They're lucky nobody lost a finger!

They talk about exploiting their eventual children as free farm labor, plant a rose bush near the tomatoes (companion planting, baby!), and drink wine/booze before they meet his ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY. 

I'm not kidding—Becca and Garrett roll up to a McMansion (and it might be a random house that's for sale and was staged by the producers because apparently that's a thing that Bachelor producers do now BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD IS A FRIGGING LIE) where the assembled group includes grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles.  Garrett's family is THIRSTY to be on TV.  Garrett and his brother have a strange fingers-to-eyes signal that they do and Garrett's sister dissolves in tears before you can say "I promised myself I wouldn't cry."  Honestly,  it felt a lot more like the family's opportunity to process Garrett's divorce than it did the family's opportunity to get to know Becca, ya know?  

Otherwise, it's standard issue family shiz: they're protective, they don't want to see him get his heart stomped on again, all that jazz.  Outside, Becca and Garrett make out on a perfectly-placed bench. 

Becca barely has a moment to wash the taste of Garrett outta her mouth, before it's Jason's turn to show us around BUFFALO, NEW YORK!! 

It's one of those gross "spring" days that is grey, raw, and depressions--classic Buffalo!  Becca's rocking a cute, baby pink hat and scarf with an army green jacket (sorta Melania "I Don't Care, Do U?" style but with less cruel cynicism) while Jason rocks a grey jacket and slicked back hair (a lil too "Wall Street" for my taste, but whatever).  

They head into the world famous Anchor Bar where a HUGE crowd is assembled and there is—wouldn't you know it—a buffalo chicken wing contest that's about to pop off!  Becca wows the crowd by knowing that there is NO RANCH DRESSING in Buffalo!  Blue cheese only, baby!  

Eric Andre should NOT bring his Ranch drama to Buffalo, NY!

Jason and Becca and a few REAL wing eaters chow down as the crowd chants "EAT THOSE WINGS" and then later "KISS! KISS! KISS!" 

People in Buffalo, NY LOVE this band, apparently! 

Eventually, Jason emerges as the hottest of the contestants when he reveals that he grew up skating and loves playing HOCKEY! Dude! Why were you holding out on me!? I would have loved you from day 1 if I had known that! Is your slicked back hair—could it be—HOCKEY HAIR!?!? This changes EVERYTHING!!! Jason!! I love you! And not just because your brother and his husband are goddamn delights!! But that doesn't hurt, for sure. 

Becca and Jason skate around the rink then make-out atop a zamboni (#LIFEGOALS) as a poor zamboni driver just tries to close up the damn rink. 

Then they head to Jason's family home where his parents, bro, and bro's husband are waiting for them.  Their upstate NY accents KILL ME and take me straight back to the on-campus diner at Hamilton College where the line cooks would scream down the line, "FINGERS FOR A RAAAAAAP" when you ordered a chicken finger wrap (holy unhealthy lifestyle, Batman).  

Both of Jason's parents ask how he would handle being dumped, which is a good point, if sorta negative.  Jason has a wonderful chat with his brother and his brother's husband and I don't need to tell you that representation matters and I hope that some more conservative members of Bachelor Nation looked at that partnership and saw that they are just like ANY married couple out there.  OK, I'll hop off this soapbox now.  

Outside, beneath a tree as it snows (Bufallo gonna Buffalo), Jason tells Becca that he's insanely and wildly in love with her.  

Up next is Bailey, Colorado, the hometown of smiley Blake.  Becca runs out of the car (wearing booties--barf--that word!, jeans, and a maroon jacket) and straddle jumps Blake, who is about to take her on a walk down memory lane at his HIGH SCHOOL!  Good Lord why does ANYONE think this is interesting?  I mean, your high school? Huh? But this aint any old high school—this is a high school that had a school shooting!  Talk about a moment where The Bachelorette can "GET REAL" with topical issues.  We hear that strange story and how it inspired Blake to be happy and positive because these reality TV shows LOVE a shaggy dog story of triumph in the face of senseless violence.  Goodness gracious I am CYNICAL as hell today, aren't I?  I'm sorry.  I'm seeing a new dude and I am so happy about it but we had our first little tiff today about a new pair of sunglasses I just bought and now I'm all bugaboo.  But it's FINE! He's GREAT! Stalk my Instagram (@selenacoppock) if you want to check him out. 

Right after we learn what "code white" means (shooter on the premises) it's time for a "CODE PARTY" cause Betty Who is in the auditorium singing her hit song, "Ignore Me" and Becca is a HUGE fan of this person!! 

That night, Becca meets Blake's mom and her (now) husband (aww snap is he the guy from that high school divorce drama?), Blake's dad and his wife, and we hear a LOT about how torn up Blake was in his last breakup.

I can't locate the article now, but I remember reading a really brilliant piece about how when a guy suffers a heartbreak as a young man (HS, college), it is often taken SO SERIOUSLY and treated as this MASSIVE, major event in his life, whereas when a young woman goes through that, somehow it's seen as silly or unimportant and not taken as seriously.  It's similar to the phenomenon of "women's movies" or "women's books" being dismissed as "chick flicks" or "chick lit" whereas the MALE experience is the real, serious experience.  And so with heartbreak, don't you think?

OK I am RAMBLING today.  Back to the snark...

Blake's father wisely reminds his son that life isn't a series of fantasy dates in far-flung locations—can Becca and Blake handle real life together? Becca seems to be hinting at it, saying, "I can see Blake in my life forever—and his family in my life forever." They make out HARD by the car and I gotta say, maybe the Bachelorette producers are messing with me, but Becca and Blake seem to have a closer connection than the others.

Finally, it's Colton's turn and he greets Becca in his hometown of Parker, CO.  It's sunny and warm and Becca rocks tight jeans, a red sweater while Colton looks NIIIIIICE in a leather jacket, dark pants, and boots.

They shop for gifts for kiddos that they will be visiting in the Cystic Fibrosis wing of the local hospital, which is a date made to melt your damn heart.

That night, Becca meets the family which is a BIG DEAL to Colton (much like his virginity and hey, you do you, my dude, but most of us threw our virginities down a garbage disposal in high school). Colton's family is his dad (who looks like an older brother and kinda acts that way, too) and his mom (who looks like a big sis and seems SUPER sweet), 3 brothers, a sister, nieces and nephews, and Garrett's entire family (JK on that last part but seriously, that McMansion felt like a clown car of relatives).  Colton fills his parents in on how much he has revealed to Becca, which is everything (Tia history, virginity, his minimal previous dating experience).  Colton is very smiley and confident and he tells Becca that he knows he's in love with her and he's really happy about it.

After all 4 hometown dates, Becca heads back to Los Angeles to convene with her GIRLZ over MIMOSAS.  Becca fills in Caroline, Tia, weird dead animal girl, Sienne, and Baby Rizzo aka Bekah about her 4 remaining suitors.  The last name Becca mentions is Colton, which makes Tia's face fall but she attempts a poker face before she literally PUTS UP HER HAND and asks Becca if they can talk 1:1 outside.  Yikes.

Tia tells Becca that hearing about Colton makes her feel sick to her stomach, that she still has feelings for Colton (MONTHS after their one-time MAKE OUT?), and that it's really upsetting to her to know that Becca got to meet his family. Oh girl.  OK, none of this is OK.  I get it, Tia, you are feeling upset and rejected and believe me I know that it is HARD to watch your FRIEND date/make progress with a guy you like.  I have BEEN THERE.  Trust me.  Years back I really liked this comedy guy and we hooked up a bunch of times and then a comedian "friend" of mine went after him and they dated and it was SOOO frigging painful.  I get it.  But also, Tia girl, you only MADE OUT with Colton.  One weekend.  You have NO real right to do ANY of what you are doing right now.  I'm sure it's upsetting to know that Becca met his camp counselor-like parents.  But this—YOUR part in this—is NOT OK.  As all my friends know, I feel that SO many issues in life are caused by boundaries (or, really, a lack of boundaries) and this is an example.  I'm sorry but Becca is down to FOUR GUYS.  Your thoughts are too late, they are ONLY hurtful and toxic at this point, and it's 100% unfair to Becca.  Tia says that she "had to be honest" and "couldn't leave without you knowing that" but those aren't true.  Honesty is NOT always the best policy.  It's brutally painful, but sometimes you gotta just accept that a guy doesn't like you and MOVE ON. As my sister Laurel taught me, closure is a gift you give yourself.

OK, enough of my theories on appropriate friend behavior—we've got a rose ceremony to get to!

Becca looks GORGEOUS in a black ball gown with a plunging neckline, funky collar-ish thing, and MAJOR slit up the side.  The guys arrive 1 by 1 and talk to papa Chris Harrison, with Colton, specifically, asking Chris about the fantasy suite.  Chris answers that sex is NOT required, which seems pretty damn obvious, but I guess that being a virgin in the fantasy suite is probably like being a 19 year old with a fake ID in a bar—you just assume that somehow, things are really official and you might end up in over your head.

Becca hands out roses to:
-Blake: rocking an all black suit with red bow tie which is an absolutely BIZARRE look.
-Jason: wearing a dark blue suit, light blue shirt, and no tie which is, AS USUAL, MUCH TOO CASUAL FOR A ROSE CEREMONY (especially this late in the game)
-Garrett: done up in a black-on-black suit which is HOTTTTTT and like, a real man's version of Blake's strange outfit.

So America's Next Top Virgin, Colton, is heading back to Colorado to wear a unicorn horn alone.  Becca's voiceover insists that it's not about Tia, but I think it's at least a little bit about Tia.  And about him being so young and inexperienced, I'm sure. After a certain age, virginity is like an albatross.

Becca walks him out and says that she hates doing this to him, she feels terrible. Colton is a bit weepy and says that he just wants the opportunity to fall in love (Colton for next Bachelor?), be happy (I get that), and not feel broken (aww man—just toss that dang virginity into a ravine like the rest of us).

Becca leaves him with the best line of the season, "it's just not there, as much as I want it to be there." Amen, girl.

Next up, Becca and the Trio of Bois are heading to THAILAND!!!  Based on the shot of her crying and an earlier shot of her with Jason at dinner, I'm guessing she sends Jason home next week.  Did you notice that? What do you think?