Bachelorette Becca: Ep 7: A Man Bun Gets Snipped, Plus a Leopard Print Lover

Monday night we had our 7th episode of The Bachelorette and we finally went somewhere tropical--the Bahamas! Bring on the dumb conch shell jokes and innuendo, boys!

Becca has 6 suitors and will be snipping 2 in The Bahamas (like that old Andy Dick reality TV show, The Assistant--not "snipping" like surgery) and then next week is HOMETOWNS! Gosh--how are we already here!? This week we had a lotta bikinis and Becca even layered a white bikini beneath a yellow shirt in a group date--a girl after my own heart!

Chris Harrison and Becca have a chat and Becca is excited for a week with NO DRAMA. I hear you, Mary J. Blige!  Now that Chris, David, and Jordan are gone, I don't think we'll have any drama and I'm glad.



Maybe it was the angle Chris Harrison was sitting at, but I had a moment of wondering if perhaps he has had a face lift recently.  Just me?

The dudes are chilling out in their hotel room when Becca visits them to kick off the week of dates. There will be 4 dates total: 3 one-on-ones and a group date. No rose ceremony.

Colton gets the first 1:1 and he's got to share the news that he's a virgin. I'm almost surprised that this didn't come up earlier in the season. But I suppose it speaks to the double standards for male sexuality vs. female sexuality (and a touch of ageism). When a girl is a virgin, she tends to share it early in the season and it's often seen as a good thing, but Colton is self-conscious and admits that in the past, he evaded questions about it or lied. I'm sure he felt like he had to in macho locker room settings--especially with playing professional football.  Nonetheless, it seems like a sorta big thing to drop this late in the game, no?

Their date is a day canoodling on a catamaran (rich people word for "big boat"), making out while precariously perched on the bow of said boat, and going conch shell fishing which looks like a LOT of work.  Their conch shell expert is a friendly guy need Action Pack and he is FULL of sexual jokes about the conch shell as an aphrodisiac. Oh Producers--we see your fingerprints all over the virgin's date.

Can we talk about Becca's bikini!? A cute orange hue with such an interesting neckline! It was like the neckline of a fancy, off-the-shoulder dress, yet it was a bikini! The best of both worlds, man!  I discovered a website that hunts down your favorite reality TV clothes and oh man my bank account will never be the same.  They have a whole write-up about this orange bikini here! 

Isn't it such a cute bikini?
Even if the model on the right looks like a dead body propped upright--it's still a cool neckline! 

That night Colton rocks a pink button down and Becca looks lovely in a sparkly cocktail dress with a panel down the cleavage. They toast and begin discussing hometown dates and family and Colton finally says that he has something to say. HOO BOY it seemed like Becca was bracing herself for hearing about a long lost set of kids that he had stowed away somewhere.

Colton talks about how, for so long he focused on Football Colton and not Personal Colton and somehow, Football Colton never got his dick wet (and neither did Personal Colton).  Is that too crass? I'm sorry. Colton's a virgin and I don't know if I have ever met a former professional sports guy who is like, "yeah, that career really hindered my ability to get laid," ya know?  But he has a good explanation: he wasn't waiting for marriage, he was waiting for the right heart. Over the years he lied about it or had shame about being a virgin, but it's part of who he is, yada yada yada, I'm proud of who I am and now that I'm 26 and a virgin, why throw it away?  I get that, I suppose. But also, I'm a believe in the idea of "don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it."

EITHER WAY, Becca hears his big reveal, then WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND LEAVE HIM ALONE THERE. HUH!?!?? Arie did that to Lauren during their season and I find it SO unnatural and odd that I think it MUST be something that the Producers told them to do in order to build tension? And make for awkward shots of the person alone and the Bachelor/Bachelorette staring off and processing this supposed bombshell?  She eventually  returns to the table and they awkwardly continue their conversation. He says that his virginity is a gift that he wants to give someone, which I suppose is nice to hear from a guy because I remember when I was a kid and my childhood friend's mother said that (BUT ONLY ABOUT VIRGINITY BEING A GIFT THAT WOMEN GAVE MEN) so I guess, score one for progress in that respect.  Colton gets a rose and Becca will be meeting his family and, heck, maybe taking him to the fantasy suite to test drive it before she buys it.

Up next is Garrett who got the first impression rose all those weeks back when we were young and life was simple (May). Becca is in a sorta shirt dress thing and Garrett is in a striped button down and shorts and he RUNS to her, which I can dig. Good effort and attitude, kiddo.

They hop in a Sea Plane and drink bubbly (that can't be legal, can it?), cruise around the turquoise waters, and buzz the dude's hotel patio for shits and gigs. The plane lands near an empty island where Becca and Garrett strip down for a picnic, a make-out, and of course, more drinks.

They talk about how Garrett has managed to keep his sanity throughout this mind fuck of a dating process. Garrett claims that he doesn't get down or discouraged then moments later says that there have been a few times in his life when he has gotten discouraged, but he can count them on 2 fingers (so, you're saying, like, 2 times?). All these dudes have been reading too many Hallmark cards because their comments feel so corny--especially Garrett's line, "I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, the world's not perfect--but we can be perfect together." Oh man. Stop. Becca knows that there is "physical chemistry" there, but can Garrett go deeper? I wondered--they seem to get along well and enjoy smiling together, making out, but does Garrett offer much intellectually?

Becca somehow decides that yes, there is something more from Garrett, and she seems to get that assurance based on a conversation about how they have both been engaged and disappointed by a partner. Join the club, kiddos. I'm still not sure that Garrett has much to offer as far as ideas, excitement, conversation, debate, but Becca's into it.

For their evening date, Becca rocks a stunning white dress with interesting neckline (so many great necklines this season, girl!) with her hair back (super cute! She should rock that more often), a sweet little choker thing and a smokey eye, while Garrett's in a black button down. They have their chat about both of them going through heartbreak, Garrett scores the rose, and then STRIP DOWN for a HOT make-out in the ocean!

If you are a member of Bachelor Nation, you know what a late night swim in the ocean means: no microphones out there, cameras gotta stay on water so you have some privacy, and thanks to Juan Pablo's season, "going swimming at night" is shorthand for "having sex in the ocean." I was wondering that as Donald Trump's disgusting face was shoved in my face and The Bachelorette was tragically disrupted by his announcement of yet ANOTHER old, conservative white guy who he nominated for the Supreme Court.  I can't even.

Back to the only thing that my heart can handle right now: THE BACHELORETTE.

The final 1:1 date goes to smiley Blake who has been falling apart all week.  The other guys posit that Blake needs to catch up a bit--he started strong with Becca but seems to have lost some momentum.  Typical experience of an early 1:1 guy, ya know? 

For their date, Becca rocks a red tank top tied up to show her belly, dark army green pants, and Blake is in a pink T-shirt (meh) and shorts.  The Bachelor franchise continues its tradition of calling washed up musical acts to appear on the show and this time it's the BAHA MEN!!! 



Oh man, is there a worse idea for a song than a melody that features the sounds of barking dogs set to a crappy rhythm?  No, there is not.  Becca and Blake join in on the dance party and WOW Blake dances weird.  And too much.  I shouldn't hate because hey, dancing is recreation for everyone and there's no wrong way to do it, but WOW I was fearful that Blake might injure a Baja Man fan on that dance floor--dude had NO control of his body.  Yikes.  

After gentrifying the stage, Blake and Becs mercifully wander off to an empty beach to talk about insecurities and make-out.  Becca says that she feels for Pasty Snooze Arie's predicament because you really CAN fall in love with multiple people at one time which is certainly NOT what your boyfriend wants to hear.  

That night, Blake shows off his version of formalwear which is a short-sleeved, white button-down buttoned all the way up, which makes him look like a sort of Cholo/Martin Short nerd character hybrid.  What I'm saying is, dude, stop choking yourself with that damn collar! 

Becca is in a casual, blue sundress with dangly earrings and, over liquid dinner, they discuss small town life and how much it sucks.  AMEN!  Blake explains that his family is extremely unemotional, they don't talk about issues or problems but just ignore them and I can't believe this guy isn't a WASP!  Then again, maybe he is--his name is Blake, after all. Either way, Blake tells all of America that his mother cheated on his father with his basketball coach/English teacher. WOOOOW. Hooo boy I hope your mom is cool with your spilling these beans!  Then again, it sounds like they were already spilled all over your hellscape hometown, Blake! Becca remarks that Blake always claims it's hard for him to open up, yet he's the most open of ANY of the guys!  I feel like these claims that "it's hard for me to open up because I have been hurt before" are so often just posturing to make the guy feel more like Dylan McKay or some other loner, rolling stone character, ya know?  

Blake says, "Becca, I am in love with you," they make our HARD and Blake gets a rose.  She's excited to meet Blake's family (word to the wise: don't bring up the infidelity!!!!) and she says, "my heart recognizes his heart" which is so damn cute it gave me warm fuzzies. 

They walk out and do a classic wall make-out as we hear voice over of Becca saying,  "I want to tell him that I'm in love with him" which is a RED FLAG, BACHELOR NATION!  This feels like what we have seen so many times in the past where the Producers edit the footage to make Blake look like the shoe-in, which means he will definitely NOT win and will get his world RUINED. I can't wait to watch! 

The next day is group date time and Leo (man bun), Wills (loves patterned fabric more than any other power clasher I have met), and Jason (who my friend Jenn met a wedding last weekend!). 

CHECK IT OUT! It's New York City comedian Jenn Wehrung with a man who is either engaged to a gorgeous gal named Becca OR smiling through the heartbreak of knowing that America is about to watch him get DUMPED on television! 

LEO!? What is going on here!!!??!

Jason is looking like he's about to attend Puffy's infamous white party. Leo is in Nantucket Red shorts (aka Salmon color) and a blue T-shirt, and Wills is rocking a patterned tank top and dark shorts.  Beccca is wearing her best outfit of the season: white, jean daisy dukes, a tiny white jean jacket, a yellow tank top, and underneath it all, a WHITE BIKINI!! PRAISE GOD!  This is a KILLER look and it gives more press to an underserved community of which I am a member: WHITE BIKINI WEARERS!!! 

The grew plays volleyball and the teams are Jason and Becca vs. Leo and Wills, which was some not-so-subtle foreshadowing. 

Jason and Becca talk and she tells him that he's pretty unemotional, unenthusiastic, which I can sorta see but also, mere moments about he LEPT from a moving boat to SPRING through waves into your arms, so maybe cut the dude some slack?

Becca and Wills talk and it is a SOLID conversation, so you know he's being sent home.  

Becca and Leo talk and sweet Leo says that he knows he's different from the other guys (aww dude--you're just as weird as the rest--trust me!), he knows he's a LOT to take (stop stealing my lines, Leo!), and that he speaks only in truth.  The audio mixers must have had a tough time b/c it sounded like they were seated on top of a crashing wave and Becca tells Leo that they simply aren't as far along as the other relationships, so with that she sends him home.  

We see footage of Leo roaming the surf alone and I just hope that dude didn't fill his pockets with rocks for a suicide, Virginia Woolf-style, ya know? 

That night is a 2-on-1 date between Wills (now in yet another patterned shirt because this Patterned Party Bus stops for NO ONE!), Jason (looking like it's casual Friday at the Alamo Rent A Car where he works) and Becca (in a pinkish/whitish dress with yet another KILLER neckline--her style is amazing).  She has alone time with each guy and her alone time with Jason feels flat, while her conversation with Wills is emotional, dynamic, exciting, interesting, so you know Wills is about to walk the plank. 

They all reconvene at the table and Becca gives the rose to Jason, then walks Will to the car and says goodbye with remarkable efficiency and calmness.  In the car, Wills says, "it's hard to give someone your heart and have them say, 'no thank you'" which made me laugh because that's my catchphrase (well, one of my many catchphrases).  

Becca walks back to Jason, they make out hard, and he is giddy because she's heading to BUFFALO (she's not as giddy, understandably).  

Next week we witness the hometown dates and it seems like these parents are NOT HAVING IT, though I'm sure that in time, they will be miraculously convinced of the prudence of meeting your soul mate on a reality TV dating show.  Stay tuned! 

Bachelorette Becca: Bow Ties and Political Brawls in Exotic Virginia

YO PALZ!

Monday night was episode 6 of Becca's illustrious season as The Bachelorette and she reminded us of why she is such a good Bachelorette--she don't take no mess.  No quite to the degree that Rachel didn't suffer fools gladly (I LOVED her mantra about "keeping it 100"), but Becca does stand her own in the face of Chris's attempted manipulations.  CHRIS!  What a loser!  I hated him from night one (because of his face, his energy) but Becca was a little slower to figure him out.  She finally did, though, thank God. 

Monday's episode found us in exotic Richmond, Virginia and we were repeatedly beaten about the face and neck with the reminder that "Virginia Is for Lovers" throughout episode 6.  I have bruises from it!!! I get it!! UNCLE!! VA is for LOVERS!!  Please stop! 

Jason (slicked back hair, lil guido) scores the week's first date and it's a 1:1 so he's amped. The rest of the men are stuck in a hotel suite where Chris and Lincoln vie for the title of "Dude Who Is Most Annoying and Tiresome" and it's neck and neck!  Garrett may be problematic, but his comment that "it's like dumb and dumber but I don't know which one is which" is dead on.  Wills is annoyed and giving GREAT face about it.  Hotties Connor and Colton are equally frustrated and dumbfounded by this idiocy.  If you think women cause drama and have petty brawls, you have GOT to watch The Bachelorette because these dudes take petty to a "whole new level," as dummy Chris would phrase it. 

In happier scenes, Becca and Jason sipped champagne on the back of a trolley, visited St. John's Church (where Becca played tour guide/trivia sharer to a wholly unnecessary degree), painted donuts, and attended an UNHAPPY HOUR (honk!) where bizarro, goth 20-somethings stood around awkwardly drinking red fluids. Wait, is that a goth happy hour or an 9th grade party in Small Town, USA?  The pair wandered around the Edgar Allen Poe museum and I found the Poe stuff bizarre because Poe was born in Boston and is definitely associated with Baltimore more than anywhere else. But wikipedia has informed me that Poe attended UVA, so I suppose that is why they have latched onto his legacy.  Either way, Becca hops into an upright coffin and Jason leans in for a kiss while she's in the 'ole death box. Virginia IS for lovers!! Even DEAD LOVERS!! (I'm loopy--just ate lunch--too much sugar in the 'ole poke bowl.)

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Chris is a "walking storm cloud" and is going off the rails on a crazy train, if you get what I mean. 



I don't think I have had a season of recapping this show in which I have not referenced this song.  It always fits! And Chris is a psychopath who is more upset at feeling MILDLY rejected or forgotten than he should be! Take the L, kid! 

Back on the date, Becca has a surprise for Jason and it's HIS THREE BEST FRIENDS at a packed bar!  This will be GREAT audio, people!  Jason tells one friend about how much he likes Becca as Becca grills 2 other friends (one of whom is the strong, silent, CUT to death type and mama likes it) about Jason's character.  Unsurprisingly, Jason's friends like Jason!! WOW! Talk about getting the INSIDE SCOOP, ya know? 

After the drinks date (beer in wine glasses, huh?), Becca and Jason walk into the parking lot for a sensual leg kiss with jump and leg straddle.  It looked like pairs figure skating! 

That night Jason is in a dark suit and no tie, which is THE LOOK this season and I sorta hate it. I can dig the suit-and-no-tie look AFTER an event.  Or if an event is very casual. But I dunno--it just feels like walking into a really fancy, sit-down dinner (to which your date is wearing a damn DRESS) and being like, "fuck you," ya know?  Becca looks amazing, as always--black cocktail dress that shows off her shoulders beautifully, hair down, dangly earrings.  They talk about having a core crew of friends, family illness and death, and how family and friends are everything (DUH, dudes).  Becca gives Jason a rose, then climbs up a ladder directly above him (HEYO!! Here's a preview of THE GOODS, guido lite), then they end up in a clock tower where they scream and make out.  

Back at the hotel, Chris sees his own inability to attract Becca as a challenge to be conquered, which it's not. No one wants to hear your motivational sayings or mantras about adversity, bro.  Just go back to Florida where your facial hair is probably not the red flag that it is anywhere else.  

The next day is a group date and the crew is Colton (ummmm hi), Garrett (growing on me), Wills (I LOVE his facial expressions when losers start popping off), Connor (SO HANDSOME, SO UNDERRATED), Blake (lil dopey but Becca likes him so I'll give him a pass), Lincoln (too emotional), and Chris (creepy AF).  

Becca meets them at the capitol building in Richmond, VA where she is wearing a maroon PANTSUIT and in tribute to the brilliant, qualified, ambitious, hardworking, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, winner of the popular vote and rightful President of the United States of America.  

Becca and the Boyz meet up with period actors playing George Washington (1st Pres, yo!) and Abraham Lincoln (sweet 16th prez) who inform them that their task today will be a debate-style conversation about dating Becca: BECCELECTION 2018 or something like that. 

A crowd assembles outside the state house and the dudes each take a place a lectern (remember: a podium is just the top part--a lectern is the whole thing. Thanks for reminding me of this crucial info, dad!!) and the Governor of Virginia, Ralph Northam, asks the first question.  Now, I shrieked when the guy said that he was the actual GOVERNOR of VIRGINIA but ya know what? That's kinda cool.  Richmond was showcased beautifully in this episode  (it made me want to do a weekend getaway down there!) and I'm sure that the VA Board of Tourism was eager to get on TV and the Governor was into it. That makes me smile! And his question was great: what would is your idea of a perfect date with Becca?  Colton pulls a Bill Madison and says "Virginia Is for Lovers" which WINS THAT CROWD OVER!! He also mentions Becca's Corgi because HE LISTENS TO HER!!!! 



Wills is genuin and earnest, Connor makes a joke about his great hair (we have so much in common, my sweet little tank engine of shirts with many buttons undone), and Lincoln takes a cheap shot at Chris which, unsurprisingly, makes Chris go OFF THE RAILS. Chris shocks the crowd by saying into his microphone that Lincoln called him a "fat BLEEP" (fuck? bitch?) then rambles on about dishonesty within the house. At the closer of this trainwreck, Chris whines to Blake about how "I had to look like the bad guy in front of all these people." WOW. Dude. You did that to yourself!  No one else looked bad! Ya know why not? Cause no one else ran his mouth! You are self-pitying, narcissistic, paranoid, and NOT HOT. Becca should have grabbed the mic from you and said, "your tour ends here" which is a quite from a different reality TV dating show, Rock of Love, but it's a GREAT line to dump someone. 

That night the group date afterparty is in a classic home that has, seemingly, no heat.  Becca is looking "finale of Grease" cool in a black bustier with a choker attached (I did NOT understand the Physics on that one, but then again, I legit got a D in Physics I THINK--wait, did I take physics? So much of my education is a blur of worrying about brushing my hair and wondering if anyone had any gum--that was back when I chewed GUM!! Now I'm anti-gum--thanks, mom!! I legit mean it! Gum is garbage! But I digress), tight black pants, and heels. She looked SO GOOD.  But ya know who else is in all black and also wants ATTENTION?  FUCKING CHRIS!!! 

SHREDDED knees at a classy afterparty!? Dude. Get a clue. 

Lincoln scoops up Becca first, taking her to a private room so that he can tell her that Chris is unstable and that Connor is rooming with Chris but is a bit anxious about it because, again, Chris is unstable and volatile.   Chris proves that Lincoln might be a lil kookoo, but he's telling the truth, by interrupting their 1:1 conversation much too soon.  So Becca and Chris talk alone and Chris is, yet again, stunningly self-pitying and narcissistic--he reminds me of guys I used to date. Blech.  Becca is candid with Chris, telling him that, apparently, sweet hottie Connor is uncomfortable rooming with him and that that fact makes her very uncomfortable. His response is that THAT makes him very uncomfortable. Becca then volleys that it makes HER very uncomfortable but Chris can't leave well enough alone, so he AGAIN says that that makes him very uncomfortable. GUY! Wow! You SO profoundly DO NOT GET IT. I mean, people feel uncomfortable AROUND YOU because you have been huffing and puffing around, being angry, being flippant--OTHER PEOPLE get to feel uncomfortable but you need to own the fact that YOU have created this world, dude. I was stunned that Becca didn't send him home then and there.  There is NO coming back from this.  


Eventually, Chris goes back to the group to ruin their night, also, and he says the phrase "on so many levels" about a dozen times, plus accuses the other guys of lying. HUH? Dude. Stop. You have completely lost the point of this show and gotten caught up in the weeds--get yourself outta there. 

Becca is so shaken by her conversation with Chris that she attempts to talk to Garrett then asks him to leave so that she can collect herself.  Garrett then reads Chris the riot act (good job, dude) and says that Chris needs to MOVE ON because his drama is now affecting everyone. Chris seems willing to take that note--likely, because it was issued by a man.  

In lighter moments at the after party, Colton and Becca make out HARD. Wills tells Becca that he's falling in love with her. Garrett says he's "not so good with words" so he reads her his closing statement from earlier that day (awww) and Connor wears glasses, which make him look even cuter than usual. 

LOOK AT THIS FORMER PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYING CUTIE! 

At the close of the date, Becca delivers a lengthy monologue about the person to whom she is giving the rose and she's raving about this guy and Garrett is GRINNING because he thinks it's him, but it's not--she's describing COLTON! Ha! Oh man. Moments like that are why The Bachelorette is so entertaining and wonderful.  Chris, in classic psychopath style, ends the date saying, "I don't give up--I'm not going to lose this battle." BATTLE? Against whom? Dude--go home and stop embarrassing yourself.  I can't wait to see that fucker try to save face on "The Men Tell All" episode.  

The next day is Becca and man bun Leo's 1:1 date and Becca is emotionally exhausted, which I definitely understand.  They take a plane to explore VA from the sky, get suited up in waders and go oyster farming then shuck them there in the water, which always reminds me of that sweet children's book in which the little girl finds some oysters. I just googled it HARD and came up empty. Does anyone else remember that one? Sorry for this diversion--let's get back to the HOT DATES and cute bois. 

Leo is lovely--he tells Becca that he would "be hers" in the real world if she wanted him (aww dude), he says "you're so hot" as they kiss (hell yeah, man), and later in the date he candidly admits that he adores his father and fears that he has let his father down.  Oh man. Leo is so wonderful because there's no artifice--he is who he says he is and he isn't an operator, ya know?  He's like the opposite of Chris. 

Leo gets the rose and Becca seems so touched by him, but I don't see him lasting to Hometowns.  

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Connor and Jason are talking about volatile Chris as Chris sits alone in a dark room, scribbling something on a notepad. The producers are really having a FIELD DAY with this "Chris as Serial Killer" narrative and I am sort of loving it. 

The close of Leo and Becca's dinner date is that they attend a concert of country music SUPERSTAR MORGAN EVANS (JK JK JK who the EFF is Morgan Evans? Just another country music newbie who is being featured on The Bachelorette/The Bachelor because that is ALL THEY DO. Remember years ago when they had Seal on and he sang "Kiss from a Rose"? Why can't we get back to stuff like that, huh, ABC?). Becca is rocking a sparkly, silver minidress and Leo looks handsome in a suit.  They make out and dance awkwardly on a platform as Bachelor Nation records all of it on their iPhones, rather than just living in the moment.  

Leo returns to the hotel, rose-on-lapel victorious and the other guys greet him with glee, which pisses off psycho grumpus Chris. 

Actual photo of Chris watching Leo return from his 1:1 date with a rose

Chris exits the living room immediately and puts on his jacket, then hustles over to Becca's room. Because what Becca wants right now is MORE DRAMA, no doubt. We see footage of Chris nonsensically badmouthing Lincoln ("that man eats 12 eggs every day--his cholesterol has to be 6000") before he arrives at Becca's door and all Becca can do is laugh a LOT and repeatedly ask, "what are you doing here?" 

Becca lets him in and it's painful to watch--as usual, Chris is completely "me-me-me" and he says, "I need you to not think about that anymore" (Ummm NOPE! YOU don't get to decide what she gets to think about), "I can see myself marrying you at the end of this" (to which she wisely asks him what changed because a week ago, you were ready to bounce outta here, guy), and finally, he says, "I'm not going to let this adversity stop me from what I want" (ummm HUH?? "What you want" is another human and SHE also gets to decide what she wants, dude).  Overall, he just make himself look, as usual, selfish and uncaring, which is ironic because you KNOW that he thinks that his repeated conversations with Becca are to show that he cares about her.  But he doesn't--he cares about winning, he cares about saving face.  That's all. 

FINALLY, Becca says, "I know that this is not going to work out" (and passive aggressive pussy makes her explain that TWICE--come on guy--you KNOW what she is saying here) then angrily says that he does NOT want her to walk him out.  Good riddance, bitch.  You're a profoundly angry man who doesn't take ownership of his own problems.  Byyyyyye. 

It's rose ceremony time and there are 8 guys, 3 have roses, 2 will go home.  Becca scraps the cocktail party, much to Connor's chagrin.  It is BOW TIE NIGHT on The Bachelorette and these dudes are looking NICE (except for the guys who are wearing NO ties which is a look that inspires me to recite my personal mantra, NO THANK YOU!!!).  

Garrett, Blake, and Wills already have roses.  I was too tired to tally the order of the rose presentation, but at the end of it, Connor and Lincoln were rose-less and sent home.  Connor is a sexy CLASS ACT, so he tells Becca that he hopes she finds love, he waves goodbye, and he bounces.  Lincoln is similarly classy, hugging goodbye and leaving without drama.  More than we can say for Chris, huh?  

THANKFULLY, we'll see Connor on Bachelor In Paradise, but unfortunately, we'll also see Psychopath Chris.  Be careful in Paradise, ladies.  

The episode closes with some jabs at Pasty Snooze Arie from Honest Abe and I was DYING. 

See you next week! 

Bachelorette Becca: Danke Shoen for the Memories, Jordan + David (Ep 5)

Bachelor Nation pals! 

As usual, I'm late with this recap and beating myself up for it.  Am I a true Bachelor head if I don't watch and live-tweet on Monday nights? Hey, sometimes you get booked on a rad show on Avenue A and you do it, then you have a different, also rad show on Tuesday, then you don't get to watch Jordan and David brawl in a desert until frigging Wednesday!!  

But here I am and I'm ready to recap.  I'll try to keep this one tight cause it's so late. 

On Monday's episode we entered into a shitty version of the cinematic masterpiece, Swingers, and headed to VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!

The dudes are staying in an amazing suite in the Aria (never stayed there--looks nice) and as they explore their new digs, Becca haunts the upstairs level and scares them. She's in a sparkly members only jacket, heels, and lots of silver and black (theme for the week). She reveals herself and they all pop bubbly--here we go! 

Colton gets the first 1:1 date and it's his first 1:1 date of the season.  Becca has followed Jojo's directions and kept him on group dates because she knew that she REALLY liked him (or so I'm thinking).  Colton takes a limo out to rural Las Vegas, traveling over the Virgin River (GET IT?? SO SUBTLE), and meets Becca for a traditional Nevada activity, camel riding! Is there anything MORE Vegas than that!? Yes, yes there is. 

Becca's rocking overall shorts (bold choice but she pulls it off), a bikini beneath her clothes, a white tank top, and Timbos on the toes, as they say.  She looks very cute, as does Colton in his dark shirt, dark pants and KILLER BODY. Once they are done camel riding and attempting to hold hands across camels (WHY GOD WHY?), they hop in a hot tub that has, seemingly, appeared out of nowhere. That's when we see Colton's shirtless physique and wowie zowie! The only way to do this justice is with an outdated pop culture reference: 



The hot tub talk is good: Colton says that he has been frustrated because he wanted things to start off well between them because she deserves it (AWWW) and this charms Becca as much as it charmed me and all of Bachelor Nation. 

That night they are "kind of on the same page" and they are both VERY excited about that. Becca rocks a sparkly silver, red, and black cocktail dress and Colton wears, again, black on black (which is FINE BY ME, bay beeeee). Over "dinner" (drinks), they talk about exes and Colton pours it out--his ex-GF never reciprocated his "I love you" (HARSH BURN, bro) and then dumped him. And it's strange to hear this conversation and know that he's talking about Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman!! 

Colton and Aly in happier times

That has got to feel weird for Becca and I truly wonder if Aly is at home watching this. Thanks to that difficult relationship and breakup, Colton now associates love with pain and confusion and dude I get it. Wow. I really like his candor and willingness to say, "she dumped me outta the blue," rather than some BS about a mutual breakup.  Thanks to this heartache, he doesn't talk throw around the phrase "I'm falling in love" and I can dig that! He's like the anti-Lincoln.  

Becca gives Colton the rose, then they hop on the upper level of a double decker tour bus and cruise down the strip making out, which looked pretty damn amazing. I love Vegas and I used to be a tour guide (on a single decker bus, but still) so this finale to the date really spoke to me.  As they are making out, Becca playfully says, "what are you doing to me?" and, I know I'm a cheesedick, but I can't get over how cute this is!! Colton has GOT to be in the final 2, if not the ultimate winner. 
Meanwhile, in the hotel, the dudes see a giant billboard that says "KISS HER" and is a message for Colton AND get a group date card.  

The group date card is addressed to Wills (cutie with funky style), Garrett (cutie but problematic), Blake (lil too aww shucks for me), John (slow burn or bore?), Connor (like a hotter, huskier Garrett), Leo (man bun, dry wit), Lincoln (cutie who has chilled a bit, it seems), Jason (slicked hair guy who I'm not feeling but Becca is), and Chris (cheesy dude who I do NOT like). 

Their group date is a day of writing remixes of "Danke Shoen" at the home of Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton!  A trip down the 'ole Wikipedia rabbit hole will reveal that while we are all aware of the existence of Wayne Newton, I have no idea why. He has one song that is well-known (the aforementioned "Danke Shoen") which he didn't write or even originate. If you want to read about his litany of legal problems and unpaid bills, taxes, check it all out here.  

I don't want to be too harsh, though, because he seems perfectly sweet and can appreciate bronzer as much as I can. 



He shows the crew his estate and then asks them to write their own versions of "Danke Shoen" that they will sing TO Becca in a show with a live audience.  The guys fan out with notebooks and pens and Chris is feeling confident because this is his SECOND songwriting date with a D list singer chaperone.  Don't get too big for your britches, Chris. Also, remember that this whole thing is about "winning" LOVE, not a dumb contest.  (Yes, this is foreshadowing.) 

The dudes suit up in tuxedos (and NO ONE looks bad in a tux EVER), then head to a "show" which seemed to take place in a hastily constructed fake showroom--or is that Wayne Newton's real showroom? Who can tell. Assembled is a very patient audience (of Bachelor die-hards, no doubt) who watch each guy do HIS OWN version of Danke Shoen, one by one. Goodness gracious. Wills is great, John tries very hard (ha), and Chris KILLS it with references, jokes, audience engagement.  

After the "show" is the afterparty and Blake and Becca are having super cutesy snuggle times while Chris is hanging back, somehow thinking that the power dynamic has shifted and SHE should seek out HIM? Huh? Ummm no. This show is The Bachelorette not Cheesdick With Bad Facial Hair Dating Show. 

Becca has had a long night, so joins the group of guys to end things and hand out the date rose. Chris seems stunned that she's calling it a night, but dude, maybe you should have tried to talk to her? Becca gives her rose to Blake (which STUNS Garrett but he has a pretty good poker face) and leaves, which SHOCKS Chris. Ummmm did Becca not notice that Chris is good at WRITING SONG LYRICS!? I mean, what more do you want in a life partner, BECCA????  Chris whines to the other guys and says that he's angry because he thinks that if you want something, you make time, so somehow BECCA should have made time for HIM. Chris, that saying about making time--that's a 2 way street, brosef. And you fucked it up. Also your claim that you might leave tonight is NOT a good look. Wills sets him straight (Wills is on the right side of every issue) and when Connor chimes in that he didn't get any time last week, Chris essentially tells Connor that he's not a contender. Sleep with one eye open, Florida bitch!! 

Back at the hotel the next day, Connor and his cute dimples are looking NICE in some glasses as the men discuss what must be happening on today's two-on-one. Which reminds me, HOLY SHIT TODAY IS THE INFAMOUS 2 ON 1!!!! 

As is tradition, the 2-on-1 date is reserved for 2 total asswipes who hate each other and it takes place in a barren wasteland.  Classic Twozies!!!  Broken Face David says that he knows that Jordan will be sent home from this and apparently he isn't a big fan of the franchise because BOTH OF YOU are going home, dummy.  Usually NOBODY makes it out of the 2-on-1 alive.

Jordan and David (aka, the two guys in the house who hardly know Becca and are OBSESSED with each other) take a limo out to the Valley of Fire, where Becca is waiting next to a cherry red Jeep Wrangler.  She's rocking a camo shirt (personal favorite), jean daisy dukes (awesome), and Timberland boots (fine).  Jordan says that Becca "looks like a snack" which is the closest he has come to taking an interest in her this season, so I'll take it. They hop in the Jeep (Becca behind the wheel, Jordan shotfun, chicken man David riding bitch) and cruise over some hills before sitting down on a daybed with canopy that has been erected in the middle of nowhere.  

Becca sits between them and encourages them to "listen to the silence" which David can't stop talking about doing! Dude--do you see what you are doing here? 



The 2-on-1 runs its standard course: Becca takes one guy away and he shit talks the other guy (in this case, David throws Jordan DEEP under the bus), then Becca grabs other guy to ask him if this is true (when we learn that Jordan's mother is mentally ill, which would have been interesting to learn earlier in the season, if he were capable of speaking about anything other than his modeling career), then Becca needs alone time and those 2 guys scream at each other.  Tale as old as time and that's not even a joke.  Literally, this is how the 2-on-1 plays out EVERY TIME. 

One thing that made me literally GAG as I attempted to watch David and Becca speak on a rock is David's BLOODY EYE!! Did you notice this? I get that he broke his face only a week ago or so, but WOW DUDE you literally have a bloody left eye and it turns my stomach to look at it, so maybe don't have Becca sit on your left side?  Also maybe wear an eye patch or something? Make it work! 

Both of Becca's individual conversations with David and Jordan feel like goddamn job interviews and I love that Becca confronted them together and said that this situation is frustrating, exhausting, and feels like 6th grade.  There is an argument about whether Jordan said that being with Becca would be "settling," which clearly isn't a word that Jordan said, but rather a sentiment that David assumed from him and that's just not fair to Jordan. David, look what you made me do!! You have me defending a narcissistic model dude because YOU are so shitty!

Becca is as unimpressed with David as I am, so she leaves him and his black outfit with white sneakers (BARF) in the Valley of Fire. Bye, chickenman. Becca says that she and Jordan will continue their date to "get to the bottom of it" which sounds like a fun, lighthearted way to court one another, no? No. 

That night, Becca and Jordan get cleaned up so that she can dump him in a different venue and not waste the lighting setup that the producers already erected.  Jordan asks her a question about what her average weekend looks like (so that he can be like, "see judges? I asked a question!") which he lets her answer in 3-4 sentences, then it's THE JORDAN SHOW!!! They talk about HIS normal weekend, HIS workout routine, HIS ablutions routine, HIS life, modeling, Zoolander, his portfolio, his facial expressions, and more (or rather, less)!  Becca picks up the rose and tells Jordan that she cannot give it to him (tricky), saying that she just doesn't think that they will get to where they need to be, emotionally, in time.  She should have also said, "and in the future, ASK A FEW DAMN QUESTIONS--it's NOT HARD to have a back and forth conversation" but she's not in charge of improving him.  

ASIDE: I am like a broken record but I am continually stunned by how many people--both in the context of dating and in regular socializing--don't ask other people questions. PEOPLE! This is how conversation flows. It's a tennis match--back and forth. But people who don't ask questions are rarely aware of this flaw. I think that they truly think that they have good conversations! Cause who doesn't love the sound of their own voice? But they usually, eventually realize that they don't KNOW ANYTHING about their friends or the person they are dating. And that's because they never ASKED any questions. 

Becca wisely sends him home and when the producer arrives to remove Jordan's luggage (she already took David's bag) the dudes celebrate like it's the G-D Superbowl and their team just won. 

The next evening is the cocktail party and Chris is hell  bent on self-destruction. Becca looks gorgeous in yet another sparkly, silver number with a smokey eye and great hair. #blessed 

As soon as Chris gets alone time with her, he says, "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now" and it goes downhill from there. And "there" is already BAD, man. It's a classic situation where a guy is feeling insecure and senses that the girl is disinterested, so he keeps trying to flip the power dynamic (impossible) and make her feel FOOLISH for potentially letting this catch go!  It is NOT working, Becca is NOT having it, and I'm shocked that she didn't send him packing immediately.  His days are numbered. 

Wills and Colton are DEAD ON with their conversation about how Chris is a bitch.  Leo (manbun) is cute during his alone time with Becca, as is sweet Wills. Chris working overtime and he's not alienating just Becca--he's ALSO pissing off the guys! Whooo boy! What an overachiever! 

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony. Blake and Colton have roses, so they are safe, thank God. Becca doles out flowers to: 
-Garrett (dark suit, no tie, white shirt) 
-Jason (slicked hair is just TOO damn slicked, man!) 
-Wills (his matchy matchy plaid suit is adorable and he's a gem) 
-Lincoln (dark suit with black lapels and a bow tie is a GOOD LOOK) 
-Leo (rocking a Trump style suit which makes me BARF but he seems fun) 
-Connor (tank engine version of Garrett is sticking around and mama likes it) 
-Chris (in a salmon shirt and blue suit and LUCKY to be sticking around)

So heading home is sweet, seemingly cerebral John.  He's very polite. Good luck to you. 

Up next they are headed to the international hotspot of RICHMOND, VIRGINIA!! If we don't get some butter churching at Colonial Williamsburg, I am going to be PISSED! 

Bachelorette Becca: Tracksuits Are Too Casual for a Rose Ceremony (Ep 4)

Greetings, Bachelor Nation!

This is your intrepid recap writer, Selena "Bury Me in a White Bikini" Coppock, reporting for duty.

Monday's episode was a solid one, with 3 dates, 2 rose ceremonies, and 1 pair of gold underpants.

We open at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Clay has just left with his broken wrist. There is strange energy in the house among the guys, but Becca and Blake are loving life and talking about how many children they might have! Wheeee! They both love boy names for girls: Becca wants to name her daughter Stevie and Blake wants to name his daughter Charlie, and I'm just glad that I have found other fans of the early 90s TV show, SISTERS!

Remember these gals? Georgie, Frankie, Alex, and Teddy?! Gosh I was OBSESSED with this show when I was young, which feels odd since it was about the difficulties of some middle-aged women living in Winnetka, IL battling drinking problems, sexual assault, infidelity, and family issues. But I LOVED IT! Random trivia: Bruce Springsteen's first wife is the lady in the lower, left corner of that DVD case above. Waddaya know! Anyhoo. Becca and Blake are biting off SISTERS'S style with their kid name picks.

Meanwhile, resident bizarro boy, Jordan, is shit talking injured David (as usual), saying that he talks God every day and that people who go against him have bad things happen to them. Read: God broke your face, David, because you mocked me. David makes his semi-triumphant return to the house, black eye and bruised cheek, and all. I gotta admit, for once, David looks TOUGH and it makes me somewhat attracted to him. David gets a lot of hugs from the guys, an immediate rose from Becca (sometimes breaking your face is the best thing that has ever happened to you), and shouts over to Jordan, "what up, Jordan, how you doing?" to which Jordan doesn't even FLINCH. God these two are like an old, previously married couple. Blech.

In a move that will haunt her throughout this episode, Becca gives Jordan a pair of shiny, gold booty shorts (hey, it's pride month and Jordan is the gayest thing I have seen since the last time I hung out at the Stonewall Inn) but David is feeling good and says, "I may not have a male model face at this point, but I have a rose, bitch." AWWW SHIT, CHICKEN SUIT DAVID AINT HERE TO PLAY!

Soon it's rose ceremony time. Colton (Husky Ryan Phillippe), Chris (lil cheesy), and David (man without a face) already have roses. 

The others go to:
-Jason (looking like a mafia don with the slicked hair)
-Wills (love that light, patterned jacket!)
-Nick (WHO IS WEARING TWO CROSS MEDALLIONS AND A TRACKSUIT! I repeat, he is in a TRACKSUIT at a formal event and he didn't just walk off the set of Sopranos 2: Tony's Still Messed Up. As we saw him in a bizarro track suit, we heard audio of him saying, "I gotta be who I am" and I didn't realize that who Nick is, is a dude who retired from his career in imports/exports (hey, don't ask questions) and now spends his days at the Keno parlor telling anyone who will listen about how thin he can slice his prosciutto.)
-Lincoln (looking good in a bow tie)
-Christon (dark suit, patterned tie, solid look)
-Blake (I hate his clothing style--ALL Blake's choices are bad choices)
-Garrett (who might be a weirdo conservative hidden inside the body of a HOT BOY)
-Leo (big hair don't care)
-John (lil nerdy but sweet)
-Connor (big hair AND I CARE! This dude is a little tank engine of sexy)
-Jordan (as my wise roommate said, "he's a character, not a contender")
-Jean Blanc (coming in last! Ouch!)

So the two dudes who will be trying to sell you Fab, Fit, Fun boxes via Instagram in the near future are the blonde man bun (sorry dude--there can be only one man bun) and Roger, the dweebus banjo player. I know that we have some Roger Heads reading  this (hi Katie!), so I'm sure that moment was a sad one.

Becca gathers the non-losers and Jordan (HEYO!) and announces that their next stop is PARK CITY, UTAH!  The clip of slicked hair Jason screaming, "UTAH, baby!" made me laugh harder than the time I saw Dave Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall last summer (#brag).

The first date is a 1:1 with Garrett and Becca scoops him up from the ski chalet where the dudes are staying (very cool digs) and takes him to downtown Park City so that she can straddle him in front of a small child.

A super low budget screen shot of my Instagram story! I am a tech moron!

After that, they try on hats, goof around, and generally act like two SUPER LOSERS falling in love. Look, I'm as cripplingly lonely as the next NYC-based comedian and I would love to find love and become a bit insufferable, but GOOD LORD these two give me dumb chills that broke my insufferability scale completely.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lincoln reveals that he is a flat Earther, as if this season couldn't get more full of weirdos (Garrett has some problem Instagram likes, Lincoln might take shits on the bathroom floor AND was convicted of assault, Jordan is bananas).

Back on the date, Becca and Garrett meet up with 2006 Olympians Valerie and Shauna who were Olympic teammates, fell in love, got married, and now have 2 kids together. Fuck yeah, ABC. Thank you for giving them time to share their story--representation matters and I LOVE that almost EVERY guest star sports person we have met this season has been female. 

Garrett and Becca hop in a bobsled with the couple and all four cruise around the track. After that, G and B drink bubbly on an animal pelt and it occurs to me that if you are a non-drinker, this show might be hard for you to participate in.  Also, if you're not a total psychopath.

That night they get done up and Garrett is in a navy blazer and tan pants, looking like a 9th grader at his first semi-formal dance. Becca is in a taupe sweater dress, heels, and a red jacket. Have you noticed that Becca is the QUEEN of the dramatic jacket removal? She does it every time and I love it. Often the jacket is just on her shoulders and she waits until she arrives somewhere, all eyes are on her, then she gracefully removes the jacket as if to say, "HELLO, BOYS!"

Garrett reveals that he's divorced in the MOST evasive, roundabout way by talking about the relationship from the beginning and meandering all over the place discussing their "adventures" and subtly saying, "so then we were married" and, honestly, it seemed like he was trying to hide that fact, didn't it? Dude--just shot straight!



Garrett claims that his ex was manipulative and emotionally abusive and I WISH that I could see how she responded to those claims!! Live cam of her viewing party, please, ABC!!! Becca senses loyalty and commitment from the guy who just disparaged his ex-wife on national TV, so he scores a rose.  But wait, the date isn't over!! A no-name, D list country singer is legally required to appear!!  And Granger Smith (WHO?) is just the guy.  They go to his concert, are taped by a million iPhones (PEOPLE! Live your LIVES! Stop recording your lives!), and make out on a platform. 

The next day is a lumberjack group date starring Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick (what, no tracksuit this time, Mr. Soprano?), John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christo, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc.

Becca makes the dudes dress up like my dream dates and then perform feats of strength, which is my dream date activity. Stop haunting my dreams, Baby Monster!

ummmm hi

Becca says that when she was in high school and other girls were falling for Leonardo DiCaprio, she was falling for manly man lumberjacks and I gotta say, SO WAS I, Becks. You aint unique. I've tolerated some DUMB SHIT dudes because they were husky and drove Ford Broncos. Plenty of us are LumberLovers.

The dudes participate in a Lumberjack Contest and John (quiet, lil nerdy) does surprisingly well, dominating all of his challenges! He wins for his team (blue team) and gets the reward of a golden axe (an actual golden ax in a log), which is nice, but ya know what's nicer?  A frigging ROSE!

That night at the after party, Becca rocks a red, velvet dress with a VERY low cut V neck, a black jacket (DRAMATIC REMOVAL!), and big earrings. Jason (slicked hair) admits that he's struggling with his emotions a bit, Jordan strips down to his golden go-go shorts and gives the camera a TAINT SHOT as he bends over Becca. It was horrifying. Dude--you are a model. You should know your angles. Bending over, taint out, AT the camera, is an abomination. Even if your taint is covered by a pair of gold daisy dukes. Also, HOW am I writing these things and this isn't a recap of Ru Paul's Drag Race? In conclusion of the Jordan stuff, he had 1:1 time with Becca and he chose to spend it in weird gold hot pants and then WALK AWAY!?!? Dude, time with Becca is precious--why were you more eager to get back to the crew of dudes? Hmmmm. 

After that weird display, Colton pulls Jordan outside (HOT move, Mr. Man) and says that Jordan is being a clown, putting on a show, and he seems like he's not here for the right reasons. I concur, Colton! You are HOT and RIGHT!

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc is weirding out Becca during their alone time. He presents her with perfume, then says that he wants to whisper something in her ear and when he gets close to her face, he grabs her chin and moves her head to kiss him.  Buh.  No.  To me, that was a lil weirdly pushy and Becca clearly wasn't feeling it. It was a little too smooth and calculating, when Becca seems to respond to playfulness more than "moves." Leo interrupts, but Jean Blanc is anxious that he hasn't given Becca enough attention, affection, adoration, so he comes back and tells Becca that he's falling in love

DUDE!!! PUMP THE BRAKES!!!

It was so clear that Jean Blanc was just feeling insecure and left behind, so he laid it on THICK in a moment of desperation, but it REEKED of bullshit! Dude, do you think she'll keep you around just because you're like, "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU"???? She needs to love YOU, also! And we're only on week 4! Even guys that Becca is connected to (Garrett, Jason, Colton) aren't saying stuff like that!

You can see Becca cringe-ing as Jean Luc comes on too strong and she shoots him straight--this is a LOT, a bit too intense, and we're on different wavelengths.  She says that this needs to be the end and generously walks him out (WITHOUT A JACKET IN THE FREEZING COLD) and yet he whines about giving her the perfume gift. Dude! Stop! You look worse every time you open your mouth! Time to go!

But no, he KEEPS making it worse by attempting to backtrack and saying that what he said isn't "necessarily" where he's at, that he thought it was where SHE wanted to take things. Becca wisely responds, oh so you are just saying whatever you think I want to her? Jean Blanc--time to go. There is NO WAY to salvage this.  Becca says the just wants HONESTY, Jean Blanc finally leaves, and Becca returns to the guys very shaken up.  She says that she is very angry, she feels like he was bullshitting her and fears that other guys may be doing the same, and heads home--no rose on the group date (sorry, John).

There is somehow ANOTHER 1:1 date, if you don't think that this episode has gone on long enough! I gotta keep this part short cause I'm exhausted.

Sweet Wills and Becca spend the day together and he's just what she needed--a caring, low key, thoughtful, easygoing dude who will let her slowly move on from the rush of insecurity that she felt as a result of Jean Blanc's actions the night before.

They ride snowmobiles, have a snowball fight, and Wills commits a Bachelorette first by talking about open relationships! Hoooo boy!! I bet that ABC had never heard the phrase "hall pass" used that way before! I appreciated Wills's candor in sharing that story of heartbreak and I'm impressed by his self-awareness.  He scores a rose and before we know it, we're back to another rose ceremony (no cocktail party--sorry, suckers!). 

Lincoln, Connor, and Tracksuit Nick are anxious because they didn't get much time with Becca this week. 

She rolls up in a gorgeous, mermaid style gown (my fave) that's black, textured, and has a pouffy bottom half.  She starts handing out roses and I'll save you some time by addressing who did NOT get roses: Christon (handsome former Harlem Globetrotter who took it in stride) and Nick (blonde dude who seemed cool until he put on a tracksuit to make some sort of righteous point about--I dunno, track runners? Italians? Residents of South Boston?) who blamed himself, which was the only good thing he has done. 

Where to next? 

LAS VEGAS!! Hell yeah!!! Jordan assures us that he's "going to make moves--DEEP MOVES." What the hell does that mean? WHO KNOWS!??!?!??! 

See ya next week! 

Bachelorette Becca: Double Ambulances! (Ep 3)

Greetings, besties!!

As always, this recap is late.  I was cranking out a packet (got it done and feel good about it), been busy like a bee, plus beach season is here! Life is good! But you know who life IS NOT good for? Dudes who fall face-first off top bunks and break their faces. More on that later.

We open on the Bachelor Manse in a downpour, so you know there is going to be DRAMA this episode! And probably bad hair that can't hold a style because of that dang humidity! Truly, a hellscape.

The dudes are lounging in sweats and glasses and I like seeing them in house clothes. Everyone in the house is getting along except for this season's bizarro pariah, model Jordan who gives good face and good sound bite, but definitely is NOT HERE for Becca.

Chris Harrison drops by to map out the week: 2 group dates, 1 one-on-one date, and one dude with a broken face (JK he didn't announce that cause how could he? But also I CANNOT BELIEVE David broke his damn face). 

First group date invite list is Wills (cutie, great style), Jason (slicked hair, Becca seems to really dig him and I'm not quite sure why), Jordan (gimme them sound bites, Wilhemina dummy!), David (wherever Jordan goes, David must go for the DRAMZZZZZ), Jean Blanc (hiiiiii), Colton (husky Ryan Phillippe who frigging GRINS when he's nervous or feeling guilty and it's VERY annoying).

Colton says that he feels frustrated because his relationship with Becca isn't progressing, so he's excited to get some time with Becca on this group date but BAD NEWS, BROSEF, you will ALSO be getting some face time with your "ex," TIA!! AHHAHHAHAH Oh man I LOVE it when the Bachelorette producers are evil.  Becca's squad (Baby Rizzo, Kendall the twee chick, Caroline the pretty one, Tia the Arkansan who "dated" Colton (and by that we mean MADE OUT WITH and, like, WTF is this, 6th grade?)), and Seinne the smart one who talked about the power of representation to dumb loser Arie last season) assemble and they are ready to interact with these boys in a spa setting! They all talk about the elephant in the room (that Colton hooked up with Tia and likely thought that she was going to be The Bachelorette) and before you know it, Husky Ryan Phillippe is there in the flesh, smiling like crazy because he's nervous. Tia is also feeling awkward and Becca legit forgets Jason's name to his face. There was a lot going on. 

Mid-group date (of massages and nail painting), Tia and Becca disappear for girl talk and Tia explains that she only kissed Colton, she hopes he's here for Becca earnestly, and she loves Becca. They are sweet pals.

At the afterparty, Becca's girl squad isn't there and Becca arrives solo in a gorgeous, sleeveless, form fitting red dress, white jacket, tan heels. Jean Blanc grabs her away first and shows her his personal head massager (that he brings everywhere he goes, it seems), Jason somehow makes a great impression on her (even though he just seems cheesy to me), and Wills has another great outfit.  David and Jordan get INTO it because they can't not, and Jordan reveals that he has a 100% success rate on Tinder (that is, everyone who HE wants to match with also wants to match with him) and in 2017, had 4,000 matches on Tinder yet insists he's "not on there a lot." Suuuuure. 

David, being the petty tattletale creeper that he is, runs to Becca IMMEDIATELY and regurgitates Jordan's lame Tinder stats to her, rather than focusing on their "relationship" and Becca cracks me up by going right up to Jordan and saying, "4,000 matches!" then putting her hand up for a high five.  PERFECT EXECUTION, Becca! Becca doesn't take Jordan or David seriously and you can tell, but she has fun with those losers.

Jordan drops the line of the episode, "here's to you being a bitch" before he shit talks David to his face while the other men LAUGH AT BOTH OF THEM.  If Jordan or David had ANY self-awareness, they would see how frigging LAME they both look through all of this.  But neither one does.

Jordan seeks out Becca to explain himself and express that he knows it must be hard for Becca that he's a male model (Hhahhah HUH?), that he is like a golden retriever in relationships (but like, relationships with humans? Or with other dogs? Where does this simile begin and end?). Becca and Colton have a heart-to-heart about whether he has  moved on from Tia (has he "MOVED ON" from a make-out? God I would hope so), and whether he's truly there FOR Becca.  He assures her that he is and that's good enough for Beccs!! She grabs the date rose, gives it to Colton, and falls in goddamn LOVE. Here we go, friends. 

The next date is a 1:1 for Chris but it turns out to be more of a three person date (heyo!), cause it's Becca, Chris the sorta cheesy guido, and DICKIE MARX!

What is it about Daisy Fuente's husband that is so damn HILARIOUS!? I don't know. Maybe it's that he sings really earnest, sorta corny songs yet seems like a chill cat?  Who knows.  Either way, he wants Becca and Chris to write one another love songs (which feels more like a week 8 challenge--I mean, they truly HARDLY know each other) and Chris struggles because his dad abandoned his family or something. 

Then TRAGEDY STRIKES and The Bachelorette is disrupted by a fat trust fund bitch shaking hands with another fat trust fund bitch.

Ugh this 1:1 date SUUUUUCKS

Thankfully, soon we are back in fantasyland watching a guilty pleasure reality TV dating show that serves as a much-needed distraction from the idiocy, violence, and embarrassment that the Trump White House unleashes on the American public day in and day out. 

Becca and Chris have the "dinner" (drinks) portion of their date and Becca looks beautiful in a beaded, sequin-y jumpsuit while Chris looks fine (and I mean that in the "acceptable" way, not like, "he is fiiiiiine") in a light grey suit and patterned, dark shirt. They discuss their shared abandonment issues and then kiss HARD. Up next is a serenade by ya boy RICHIE MAARXXXXX! Mr. Marx tickles the ivories and flubs the lyrics to his hit song "Right Here Waiting for You" (did you notice that he said "whatever it takes" twice rather than "wherever you go"? DUDE!) while Chris and Becca make out and hold each other.  

Meanwhile at the house, David has done something that is PEAK DAVID and fallen off his bunk bed, face-first.  Hooo boy. The previews really had us thinking that one guy had viciously attacked another dude (JK--the tabloids would have revealed something like that if it had occurred) but it was just a good, old fashioned nose/eye socket break. TONS of blood but nobody is to blame. 

Remember when this guy got his eye socket busted on Real World: Austin? That's all I could picture when they said David landed on his face. Next week we'll see what David's face looks like now! Probably won't be as hot as this Boston boy, Danny!

Finally, it's time for a sexy football group date and the grew that's hopping on a bus is: Clay (a real football player who is FIIIIIINE and I mean that in the sexy way), Leo (big hair), Christon (former Harlem Globetrotter), Ryan (banjo tool), John (slow burn?), Garrett (front runner who makes bad Instagram decisions), Mike (small hair), Lincoln (overenthusiastic), Connor (HOT little tank engine of a dude), and Blake (too smiley). 

But wait--real quick--can we talk about Colton's arms!?!??!!? 

Not the pub in West London, dude, the guy Colton who formerly dated Ally Reismann and Tia, who wore a tank top as he read that date card and SWEET BABY JESU those arms were NICE LOOKING and somehow aren't anywhere to be found on the internet. SEE! Net Neutrality is IMPORTANT!! I NEED MY ARM PICS!!! 

The dudes and Becca tackle some football drills (DID YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?) lead by two ladies who are members of the LEGENDS football league which looks cool as hell. Then they put on hockey helmets to play football (did anyone else find those helmets very hockey-ey and not very football-ey?) in front of screaming fans, Chris Harrison, and Keyshawn Johnson. It's blue team versus white team and there are some plays and passes or whatever. To help his team tie, Clay runs the ball (rather than passing it) it the end zone and scores a touchdown while breaking his wrist. Yikes. Dude--you aren't a teacher or a lawyer or a sales guy who can muddle through work with a broken wrist. You are a professional football player and you just MAJORLY screwed up your ability to do your job.  Yikes.  After getting some alone time with Becca, Clay hops in an ambulance and that's our 2nd ambulance of the episode!  Holy trauma, Batman! 

That night, Becca dons a tiny, crushed velvet, silver bathrobe for the after party and Garrett picks her up in it, practically showing her chach to all of Bachelor Nation.  Blake rocks a chambray shirt buttoned all the way to the top button, like a cholo cowboy, and talks to Becca about how hard it is to go from a 1:1 date to a group date. Once you have tasted 1:1 luxury, it's hard to step down to pauper-like group date life. Connor looks HOT with that face of his, and, of course, Clay shows up because he is going to take EVERY advantage of this opportunity his broken wrist has given him and I am here for it.  Blake and Connor are crestfallen when Becca hands the group date rose to Clay, but come on, dudes--YOU weren't willing to break YOUR wrists for the girl now were you? 

The next evening, it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time and football boy Clay, virgin grinner Colton, and sorta cheesy Chris are breathing easy because they already have roses. Becca arrives in a dress I don't dig--a bland red, satin, sleeveless and strapless dress that doesn't fit too well and she's constantly tugging on. Buh.  Connor steals her right away and impresses her with his baseball skills because these dudes are Sporty SPICE this season. She hits a TEE BALL (literally--tee ball), runs some tiny bases, then makes out with hottie Connor.  Becca and slicked-back hair Jason do some canoodling while Clay talks through what he has to do: leave the show.  Clay weighs his options, but knows that he needs to leave and get surgery because he supports a lot of people with his salary and he's a frigging honorable man. Wow. OF COURSE the duty-bound, respectable man is the one who has to leave. Isn't that always the way?  

Clay says, "being a man is making hard choices, tough decisions, and living with them" and OMG I love this stoic, dutiful HOTTIE! Does "being a man" involve going on Bachelor In Paradise??? I hope so but I cannot see how!  Clay explains his situation to Becca and they have a semi-weepy goodbye, then he literally WALKS OFF--just walks down the driveway and into the night. Goodbye, sweet Clay. You were too good for us.  Never forget that you're hot. 

So now rose ceremony this week, love bugs! I'm sure it will be the first order of business next week! In the meantime, enjoy this photo of Clay....

JK!! 

Here he is: 

goodbye, beautiful stranger