In the immortal words of Jim Anchower, it's been a while since I rapped at ya. You last heard from me at the close of The Bachelorette, when Becca inexplicably selected anti-trans shitbag Garrett over America's sweetheart Blake. It was a tragic end to a very dramatic season of The Bachelorette—more on that beloved franchise in a minute.
I had a lovely summer that included lots of beach time (my fave), plus had a summer romance that ended in early September. It was too bad that it ended, but I was relieved once we called it off. When a guy comes on super strong with declarations of love and excitement and fancy dinners and suggests travel plans, then balks when you respond in kind, it's a real mind fuck and it's hard to recover, act natural, and keep on smiling when your confidence has been killed. And I don't think that he meant to undermine my confidence—I think he just sorta spooked himself and got in over his head. So it was a relief when we broke up because I wasn't at my best—in fact, I feel like I was at my worst. During our last few weeks together, I second-guessed every word out of my own mouth, every joke, and every comment, which just feels crappy and it wasn't fun for HIM, either. So that's all done, I wish him well, and now I shall go back to dating only men who work with their hands (ideally, in the profession of punching others in the face).
But enough of my personal shiz—let's talk about COLTON!!
The genius monsters at ABC announced Colton as the next Bachelor right after the close of Bachelor In Paradise. I don't commit to B in P the way that I commit to The Bachelor/The Bachelorette because sometimes mama needs a break, people! I tuned in occasionally—just long enough to watch Jordan and that nerd guy BE OBSESSED with each other, and Krystal and Chris (aka LITERALLY THE TWO WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME) fall in love, and lots of ladies wear tassel earrings (so hot right now), so I feel like I "get it."
Now let's talk Colton as America's VIRGIN BACHELOR.
We know him from Becca's season of The Bachelorette and pre-Becca, Colton not only hooked up with Becca's friend Tia (who I will always have a soft spot for because she's from Arkansas, where I have lots of family who I love), but he also dated Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman (who is a native of Needham, MA where I lived until I was 3). And no, dear reader, there were NO visits to Hump City in either case.
Now, don't get me wrong—Colton is HOT AF, seems really fun and easygoing, is very smiley, gets along with others, and used to play professional football (YEZ YEZ YEZZZ PLEASE) so I am buying what he's selling, so to speak. I'm picking up what he's putting down, if ya catch my drift. Kid can get it, naaaaah mean????
But here is what's wrong with producers selecting him as the next Bachelor: he is being exploited for his virgin status.
WHAT!?
I thought that only WOMEN (girls) could be exploited for their virginity and sold as "child brides" (a nice euphemisms for sex slave) to older men???
I realize that this fluffy blog post just got REEEEAL DARK but stay with me.
Colton is a virgin, a personal fact that he was hesitant to share with Becca until late in the season and a fact that he has previously kept hidden and, in some cases, lied about. Poor guy was a pro football player living The 40 Year-Old Virgin ("a bag of sand!"). That has got to be hard and he has been doing it for so many years, that I suspect that his virgin status has become so much a part of his personality, his life's journey, his identity, that it will be hard for him to part with that.
I mean, it's hella crass to have the Fantasy Suite episode roll up and to have America be like, "LOSE IT! LOSE IT! LOSE IT!" re: Colton's virginity. It is SO MUCH PRESSURE on the poor hottie. If Colton is smart, he'll cash in his V card before his season starts, get in a few rounds of practice, and THEN hump 3 women in 3 nights in the fantasy suite.
But I'm sure he won't do that.
He has gotten SUCH a kind reception from Bachelor Nation for sharing that he's a virgin and discussing notions of masculinity and sexuality and how toxic they can be. I give him SO MUCH credit for sharing his story, owning it, and not being ashamed. Honestly, it's super refreshing and I have a TON of sympathy for how much pressure is on young men to "man up" and get head, get laid, drink beers, punch things, fit into heteronormative gender roles of what guys are "supposed" to be.
But I think that when something is SO MUCH a part of your identity, as Colton's virginity is to him, it's extremely unappealing to change. It's like years and years ago when I stopped doing comedy and just tried to work and chill/watch TV at night. It lasted a few months, then I got back into comedy because it's simply who I am. So much of my own identity, my own self-assessment is caught up in the fact that I do comedy—I couldn't walk away from that.
So I will be curious to see if Colton EVER loses his virginity during his season. I imagine that at some point in his life, Colton will finally hump, but I wonder if he will do it while the cameras are rolling and the pressure is on, ya know? We shall see!
A few quick other things:
-In two weeks, I will be launching TWO WICK MINIMUM: A Candle Podcast for Candleheads (on iTunes and all those places where you can get podcasts). I am SO excited. The first season will be 10 episodes and each episode is a roughly 30 minute conversation between me and a fellow candlehead. We talk about all the HOT TOPICS in the candle community and have some laughs. It makes me so happy. My amazing producer is the brilliant Katie Compa and she is truly the reason that any of this is happening. I have been talking about doing a candle-cast for so long and it's finally happening! I'll alert you when the first episode is live, lovers!
-This weekend on 10/20, the variety show that I co-produce with my wonderful friend Lauren Maul, BITCHCRAFT, is back! We have a jazzy line-up of standups, storytellers, singers, and more! Doors at 7:00, show at 7:30, $5 at the door. Come on by! We're at Sid Gold's Request Room (26th Street near 7th Avenue).
And of course I'll be recapping Colton's season of The Bachelor when it kicks off (January, I think). Happy fall, friends! xoxo
I'm still shell shocked from last night's finale—are you? Thankfully, I spent it among Bachelor Nation palz at QED in Astoria where I hosted a watch party and had SUCH A BLAST!! What a treat to meet some readers of this 'ole blog!! Thank you for enjoying my silly asides about my parade of ex-boyfriends, Katya (sp?)!!
The episode kicked off with our man Chris Harrison warning us that this finale was quite possibly "the most emotional finale of all time" and I gotta say NO IT WAS NOT!!! Ya know what was emotional? When Rachel and Peter broke up because he was unwilling to budge on proposing and Rachel literally CRIED HER FAKE LASHES OFF HER DAMN FACE. Ya know what was emotional? When Brooks (tall drink of water who HAD to have been Mormon) dumped frigging Desiree while he was in the top 3 and she admitted that she was probably going to pick him and she LOST IT. Ya know what was emotional? A few days after THAT, when Desiree accepted a proposal from sweetheart Chris (her now husband) and essentially said, I feel awful because I think that I didn't fully appreciate you and you were my love and right under my nose all along. Ya know what was emotional? That time that Tierra nearly froze to death (JK JK JK that was simply HILARZ and the fact that such a high-maintenance girl thought that SEAN "salt of the Earth simpleton" LOWE would be in to THAT attitude shows that she has worse judgment than Garrett does. OHHH BURN!!!) We'll get to Garrett later (OH YES WE WILL) but my point is, this was NOT an especially emotional finale, despite the buzz.
It was a standard final episode: they're all somewhere INSANELY HOT and stuck wearing suits or heavy, sequin dresses in direct sunlight. Can they EVER get the finale temperature right? Chris Soules finale was somewhere FREEZING, but more often than not the finale is somewhere steamy hot. Why can't we get a finale near a beautiful tree on a fall day, ya know?
But I digress.
Becca's family (lotsa uncles, her mom, her sister Emily who apparently DID NOT PACK leave-in conditioner) are in The Maldives and Becca is eager to introduce them to Garrett and Blake.
Garrett is up first and we get some voice over from Becca saying that their courtship was slower, he's revealing himself more slowly, and their relationship is growing. Contrast that with what she said about Blake, which is that their relationship has been solid from the start, consistent, and that her heart recognizes his heart (a phrase that gives me dumb chills and yet I also love).
Garrett arrives with wine and flowers, wearing a short sleeved button down, tan shorts, and his standard goofy grin. They talk about how Garrett gifted Becca a keepsake fly, which I can only assume looks like this:
They sit down to lunch and Garrett woos the family by proposing a toast that mentions people who are "looking down from above," that is, addressing her late father. OK listen, some people might find that lovely or sweet of him, perhaps even respectful but I find it to be 100% the opposite. To me it seemed completely inappropriate, disrespectful, and manipulative. Becca's MOTHER lost her HUSBAND. How about you let HER mention her late husband before YOU DO, stranger? Does that make sense? I just hate it when people co-opt tragedy for their own purposes—it's so gross.
The family EATS IT UP, though, then Garrett does a LOT of crying and choking back tears and that shit is like catnip to the Kufrin family, shockingly enough.
Up next is handsome Blake who hides a KILLER BODY beneath that floopy head and funny attitude. He's in a white button-down (that is SWEAT SOAKED and see-through within SECONDS) and pink shorts, plus toting gorgeous flowers and a nice bottle of wine. He says that he is "crazy..... [too many seconds]... crazy about your sister" to Emily, repeatedly insists that he LOVES strong, independent women (we get it, woke feminist boi), fields a TON of questions about how he would handle rejection (OUCH! YIKES! HUH!?), and finally, is asked for dirt about Garrett by Becca's bonkers uncle.
HUH!?!?!?!
The entire thing was bananas and hurtful. I think that Blake had a hard time because he was going in COMPARED to Garrett—not just going in as the new guy, ya know? It's like at an audition when the casting director is fresh and energetic for the early slots but tired and grumpy by late in the day. Not that I go on many auditions, dear reader—I'm convinced that my face is just too rubber-y and animated for commercial acting.
BUT ANYHOOOOOO.
Blake has a BAD gut feeling and literally says, "she's going to pick Garrett" and, spoiler alert, he's right. Where did it all go so wrong!?!?!?
I have a theory (of course I do): it's almost like rehearsing for a big stage show. If you have a big ensemble cast and a big opening weekend, you want to allow your production enough time to get comfortable with the material, get polished, get GREAT, but you don't want to have a rehearsal season so long that by the time you mount the show, the cast is already tired. Does that make sense? I think that if the finale had been a week or two earlier, Blake would have "gotten the girl" as it were. But, no, the season was so long that by the time it was "SHOWTIME," Becca was tired of him. Garrett's timing (as far as relationship development) was PERFECT in that it felt exciting every week, she learned about him constantly, and they peaked at the perfect moment for the finale.
Now let's address the alt-right elephant in the room.
Using his old Instagram account, Garrett "liked" SUPER problematic posts mocking transgendered individuals, liberal women, and DAVID HOGG, A VICTIM OF THE PARKLAND SCHOOL SHOOTING.
I CANNOT ABIDE THIS. Only last night did I learn about the crisis actor conspiracy theory and that one was really the end of the line for me. Listen, I have dated former military, FBI, DEA, cops, firefighters—I'm familiar with conservative men and I enjoy debating those dudes (I am liberal AF). And I understand that we are living in a rapidly-changing society with new apps and programs popping up daily. I see all of it and YET STILL I CANNOT ABIDE HIS CHOICES. It's "just" a click on Instagram, but those clicks are meaningful. Those clicks normalize memes that are toxic and irresponsible. Parkland kids lived through a goddamn MASSACRE. They did not ask for this. They saw shit that our most grizzled veterans can hardly stomach. And they were fucking KIDS. They still ARE KIDS.
And at around hour 2.75 of the finale spectacular when Garrett and Becca discussed the Insta controversy, they BARELY addressed it and his faux apology was weak sauce. He danced around the issues, spoke in vague terms, and essentially said, Becca is pretty liberal and I liked those things but it doesn't align with HER values. I can't tell if he's just dumb or was trying to act as though SHE is a NAG somehow, you know?
Also, dude, here's a quick re-write of your apology. How about something like this:
I want to take ownership for the bad choices I made in liking Instagram posts that I found funny at the time. I have done a lot of soul-searching about this and I have read about the plight of transgendered individuals in our nation. I have looked at the horrifying murder rates for trans citizens, and specifically, trans citizens of color, and I am ashamed that I liked these posts. I have spoken to veterans who served in war zones and engaged with innocent, wide-eyed local kiddos and learned about their experiences. I have followed the moves of the brave Parkland kids—teenagers who are doing more for the gun control movement than adults could muster for many decades. And I have thought about my role in this—it's NOT just a click, it's NOT just a simple "double tap," and it's not OK. I wish to work on myself and make more responsible, respectful, and adult choices in the future and I only hope that Becca will be by my side as I endeavor to become a better man.
Or something like that.
Wheeeeee!! Is this recap too HEAVY????
Let's lighten it up with some solid moments of idiocy from the finale:
-When Becca's sister Emily said to a crying Garrett, "I wish my fiancee cried like this." HAHAH!! Too bad the fiancee couldn't bother to come on a free trip the Maldives!
-When Chris Harrison shamelessly promoted every damn ABC franchise that's currently airing
-When Becca's mom gave that crucial advice to "be happy." Thanks for your wisdom, mom.
-When they were on a boat and Garrett was asking Becca about her sister, then interrupted himself with "oh dolphins! Right there!" Expect a lifetime of dumb shit like that, Becs.
-When Garrett said that he likes how Becca pronounces the word "bag."
-When Garrett said that Becca doesn't give him butterflies, but rather EAGLES!! Oh God this guy really IS a Conservative.
(This is legit the worst hymn of all time. I'm sorry but it's true. Give me "His Eye is on The Sparrow" ANY DAY over this dreck.)
-The fact that it was CONSTANTLY RAINING when poor Blake was feeling anxious about being sent home and dude was RIGHT. As they say in the book "The Gift of Fear," TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!! YOUR GUT IS ALMOST ALWAYS RIGHT!
-When Becca pulls a Jojo and dunks with a full face of make-up and fake eyelashes then looks ROUGH afterward.
-There was a WHOLE LOTTA pastel this episode and I loved it. Way to showcase your tans, gang!! Remember: if you can't tone it, tan it!
-How insane is it that Blake MADE HER A REALLY SWEET GIFT and Garrett made her NOTHING? In most seasons, the final 2 suitors have gifts for their love.
-Garrett has HORRIBLE taste in jewelry--WOW! Then again, this is a guy who elects to live in Reno, NV so I suppose we knew that he has bizarre taste.
-I had to groan when Becca said, "I found my partner in this... and I also found myself." I hate that type of thinking—it's along the lines of "I was incomplete until I had a partner." BARF. No you weren't. You're only as incomplete as you decide you are. Single people aren't flawed or fuck ups or incomplete. They're just single and you don't know their story.
Finally, it's time for Becca and The Boyz to sweat through some expensive clothing. The first dude to arrive is Blake and at the QED Watch Party, we all started screaming, knowing that the first arrival is always the reject. Sweet Blake gave a lovely speech to a dead-faced Becca (seriously she looked NOT happy and not empathetic). Blake was DRIPPING sweat. Literally at one point, a drip of sweat fell off his NOSE. Good Lord. Somehow, Becca's face didn't show any sweat and I have to wonder if she pulled some pageant tricks to avoid sweat and shine. Have you you heard about what women do in pageants to read as non-sweaty or thin from stage, but it's a setup? I believe that I have heard that they would smear deodorant on their faces as the bottom layer (to stop sweat), then coat foundation, make-up over that. Did I just make that up?
Either way, Becca seems to have SHUT DOWN and even as she dumps him, she doesn't cry a tear. It was remarkable to watch, especially if you have watched these dramatic, emotional proposals take place before. She give him a pretty non-committal breakup, stating that she pictured him being the last man standing for so long, but he's not. He accepts it calmly and you can see his heart breaking. I admire that he calmly told her that he thinks she's making a mistake and then said, "I love you" as he left. Oh man. Then he was given a wash cloth to WEEP INTO. Poor little hottie.
Then, unlike we have EVER seen in the past, we cut RIGHT TO HIM in the studio and Chris Harrison tries to squeeze more tears out of him, then brings out Becca for maximum embarrassment and heartbreak. The whole thing felt remarkably exploitative—even moreso than the standard level of exploitation involved in The Bachelor/The Bachelorette.
Becca comes out, fresh from a spray tan booth (or having JUST emerged from a container of cinnamon), rocking a gorgeous purple dress (with COOL ASSED DIAGONAL HEM), sparkly earrings, and a tasteful ponytail with face framing layers. Blake is gracious as HELL, saying that he is still so glad that she was his Bachelorette (that sounded a lil like a student thanking his elementary homeroom teacher, didn't it?), that there are no hard feelings, and that this won't keep him down.
Oh Blake, you were too good for this Bach.
Then it's time to watch a dude who is, essentially, an alt-right troll win the heart of America's favorite brunette. Garrett enters the sizzling beach and does his speech about how she is his world, yadda yadda yadda. She chimes in and for one, brief, shining moment, you can tell that Garrett thinks he's about to get dumped. Alas, it's not to be. She says that she has been holding back on dropping the 'ole 143 (I LOVE YOU in beeper parlance—where my pals who attended high school in the 90s at!??!?!) and so when she says it to him (using his full name), he knows that means he's THE GUY. He picks her up and they make out HARD :)
Then he gets on one knee and presents her with an engagement ring that is just as putrid as it was free.
It's truly gotta suck when your 1st engagement ring (to Pasty Snooze Arie who later broke your heart) is SO MUCH PRETTIER than your 2nd engagement ring from a guy who probably thinks that the idea of someone in a bathroom stall next to him being a different sex at birth than he was is somehow oppression FOR HIM.
She gives him the final, final rose and I need to go back to white roses for a while, ya know? Need a little palette cleanser. Plus, white or lighter colored roses are my favorite (in case you are reading this, NEW BOYFRIEND MARK). Garrett make a classic Garrett move and says, "sorry fellas—she's off the market—she's all mine" because women are possessions that are either owned by other men or by you. Yup yup.
Soon Garrett and Becca are reunited in the studio and she is SELLING THAT RELATIONSHIP like it's a damn Cutco Knife Set.
Hello, neighbor! My mother said that you'd be willing to listen to me peddle these Cutko Knives to you. Thanks so much—this is my summer job and yes, it's a pyramid scheme. OK, have you ever seen someone CUT a PENNY in HALF?
Becca talks about crying into a quesadilla and Garrett makes the aforementioned non-apology for mocking the trials and hardships of his fellow citizens. Solid couple. They are being send BACK to the Maldives for a getaway (just chill out until Instagram stops being so popular, so maybe like, a couple decades?) and then they're shown their parting gift—a shitbox MINIVAN!!!
What did you think of the season overall? Was I too hard on Garrett? Not hard enough? Do you think this will last? Do you think the next Bachelor will be Jason or Blake? Feel free to comment and, as always THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading. I am always SO touched by people who read this wackadoo blog—I really mean that.
I may live tweet Bachelor In Paradise (@selenacoppock) but I'm not totally sure. Mama needs a break!! xoxo
Monday night was Bachelor Nation's most beloved, bitchy, petty episode of every Bachelor/Bachelorette season, THE MEN TELL ALL. And TELL THEY DID!! (JK it was actually a pretty standard Men Tell All which is to say, everyone looked the BEST they have ever looked, some shade was thrown, and a dozen dudes had their final moment of TV fame).
I missed the first 30 minutes because I was en route back from a long weekend spent upstate with friends on a writer's retreat. A writer's retreat is a fun way of going upstate of drink, eat, and be lazy, then crank out some brainstorms for writing projects during your last 2 hours at the house. That's precisely what I did!
So I missed the first 30 minutes but my roommate Lola informed me that during said half hour, Jean Blanc (the dude who was a professional "perfumer" and "big watch wearer" or something) openly mocked the former professional football player, Colton, and the fact that Colton is still a virgin. Cool move, dude who seems to have made a job out of "smelling good" and "being metrosexual."
Apparently Connor was in the house making good comments and wearing glasses, which I can only imagine was HOT LIKE FIRE. As they kids say re: sex, Connor can get it. (Too crass?)
I joined in once we were having a few guys get in the "hot seat" as Chris Harrison INSISTS on calling it, despite the fact that it gives all of us in Bachelor Nation major dumb chills.
We heard from Florida-based male model Jordan, who remains unable to talk about anything other than himself, yet is somehow almost charming? His mortal enemy, David, was rolling his eyes and, hey man, I'm just glad David still has the ability to ROLL his eyes after the face plant that he took off the top bunk. Leo was there with his hair FLOWING down, but there was no sign of his man bun sidekick (aka The Other Manbun). Wills rocked a killer plaid suit and red boots, in classic Will fashion (LITERAL FASHION, GET IT?) and during his time in the "hot seat" (barf) was very emotional and candid. Do you see Wills as a possible Bachelor?
Colton got in the hot seat (oh God someone get me a new barf bag because this one is FULL UP) and was VERY emotional about the shame he carries about being a virgin and how troublesome that is, especially within the pro sports community (I can only imagine, you hot BOI). I think that Producers might want Colton to be the next Bachelor because I can totally see that ad campaign:
Colton is The Bachelor.
AND IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME!! Fantasy Suite virginity loss, baby!
But I think that Jason is giving Colton a run for his money, as far as campaigns to be the next Bachelor. Jason looked fantastic, came off as SUPER self-aware, was absolutely gracious in processing his rejection and heartbreak, and even gave Becca a big hug when she came out. I think he would be a GREAT Bachelor and not JUST because he's old college buddies with the golden retriever of the Patriots, GRONK.
He's as shocked as you are that he's BFFs with Jason
So yes yes, Becca came out and looked like a smoke show—dark, lacy, clingy dress, sparkly hoop earrings, hair curled perfectly and set off to one side, excellent tan—perfection. She spoke to all of the guys and was super generous of spirit to Jordan, Jean Blanc, everyone. Chris (creeper from FL with bad facial hair, a BAD attitude) very wisely apologized profusely to Becca and he must have watched the season with a self-aware woman who explained it all to him, because he spoke the vocabulary of "getting it"—he admitted that he was entitled, he didn't listen to her, he was too pushy, he was selfish. Yeah you were. OK bye now.
Overall, a pretty standard Men Tell All and the only surprises will likely be the casting of the next Bachelor. But before that, we have some Bachelor in Paradise to witness (starting 8/7). But before THAT, we still have a season finale of THIS Bachelorette season to enjoy!
I'll be hosting a Bachelorette finale watch party at QED (wonderful theater in Astoria) on Monday 8/6. More information here. Come on out! We will NOT be talking during the show but I'll be doing some color commentary during commercial breaks. Come on out!
Monday night was the infamous Fantasy Suite episode of this season of The Bachelorette aka Test Drive it Before You Take it Off the Lot (if you know what I mean wink wink wink). It's the episode in which ABC airs primetime coverage of a lucky lady humping down 3 dudes in 3 nights--like a sex version of Hannukah, but for fewer nights. Did Becca run out of (body) oil over those 3 crazy nights? We'll soon find out...
Becca and her trio of fuck buddies are all in Thailand and Becca kicks things off by informing us that she is IN LOVE with 2 guys, and falling in love with a 3rd. If you have been paying ANY attention at all this season, you know that the underdog is Jason. A buffalo wing eating contest just can't make up for connections made early in the season, no matter how good your hair is.
She maps out her questions for the Week In Sex:
-can Garrett "challenge" her? (read: he's a simpleton and not very bright--will that eventually get annoying?)
-can Jason catch up to the other guys? (answer: no)
-can Blake win the whole damn thing (answer: seemingly, yes, if his own insecurity and jealousy don't eat him alive before he can get down on one knee)
Blake gets the first 1:1 and the couple walks up Monk's Trail and gets to a threshold after which they cannot kiss or TOUCH! They seemed to be attempting to "accidentally" touch wrists as they walked up uneven terrain, which was very cute and made me curious about super chaste dating. Could all of that repression somehow be fun? Could we all stand to set some stricter boundaries with regards to touching, in order to elicit a later payoff that will be super hot? And, finally, am I talking like goddamn Carrie Bradshaw right now?
They walk up to a temple where they are lead in by a young monk and they are blessed by an older monk. The younger monk translates for the younger monk (TYPICAL! Vice President level fat cats never have to do the work--I bet that younger monk is a damn intern--JK JK!) and says that there are 4 things a couple needs to have a strong house/home/foundation: honesty, adaptation/adjustment, patience, giving/generosity.
Woa woa woa—is The Bachelorette imparting some ACTUAL lessons on how to have a good relationship!? HUH??!?! Who hijacked my favorite TV show!? I want TRASHBAGS fighting TRASHBAGS over inconsequential issues and inevitably picking the wrong partner! This is NOT what I signed on for!!
After these lessons, Becca and Blake bring an Anita Ford hit song to life and ring a bell (HEYO! I love disco music and I don't care who knows it!), disparage Arie (please do so at least 3x per episode or I will DIIIIIIE), and change for night time hang out (aka their trip down SEX LANE if you're picking up what I'm putting down).
That night, Becca rocks a cute, summery, low cut white dress and metallic heels (yezzz plzzzz), Blake is in a black button down (his uniform), and the talk about heartbreak, being in your head, jealousy, being in love with multiple people at once, and Blake's super cute tendency to look for a reason to STAY, not a reason to GO. Oh man.
They make out hard and then read the infamous note that invites them to "forego their individual rooms" for a night in Sex City, USA! Or rather, Sex City, Thailand!!! When confronted with this option, Blake says, "ummmm YAH" which made me laugh.
They close the door on the camera and then we watch them cuddle the next morning and can we all agree that Blake's body was a LOT better than we were expecting!? I was impressed. Nice little lower back thing going on, dude. They hug goodbye and Becca scurries home to wash Blake off of her because Jason is on his way!
Jason rolls up in a white, short sleeved button down, grey shorts, sneakers, and his signature Wall Street monster-style slicked back hair. Becca looks super cute in a matching polka dot top and skirt, plus wedges. They walk around a Sunday market, eat crickets, watch local women perform a beautifully choreographed dance in the street (and JOIN IN because AMERICA!!!!), then head into a temple to explore. As they exit the temple, Becca makes an offhand comment about a future apartment and FREAKS HERSELF OUT. It seemed like she was just talking about HIS current apartment, but she seemed to think she made some grand proclamation about THEIR FUTURE HOME or something, so she freaked out, began breathing heavily, and needed to go hyperventilate to a producer, leaving poor Jason to sit on the steps of a temple alone.
Throughout the season, Becca has repeatedly walked off during moments of high stress and tension and while I suppose I appreciate the stress that she must be enduring and attempting to manage, this move REALLY disrespects the other person. It leaves them ALONE, completely clueless as to what is happening, and perhaps feeling like they are being mocked. Just me?
We watch Becca breathe and freak out, hold up her hair, and say that she feels weird, she's freaking out. Bachelor Nation gets ZERO resolution for that one (and neither does Jason, I guess?) since we cut straight to them at nighttime meeting up for "dinner" (beer). Jason looks fantastic--black shirt, light pants, nice shoes, sweet tan. Becca looks beautiful in a dark blue maxi dress with large floral pattern, hair parted in the middle and half up/half down, lovely jewelry.
They catch up on how things went during her hometown date (interesting move: focus on the past if you need to muddle through an event with a guy that you don't see a future with), his feelings, and her head being "all over the place." She AGAIN, asks to leave and have a moment to herself and again, Jason graciously obliges.
She returns and explains that this is brutally hard but she can't put him through an overnight if it's not 100% there. He gracefully pushes for the overnight (YEEEEAH BOOOOY), saying that this experience (this JOURNEY, one might say) is about pushing boundaries and seeing/learning if perhaps "it" IS indeed there. Basically, dude is a GOOD LAY and thinks that his fuck skills can turn this boat around. Becca isn't having it, though—she explains that she sees a future more with the other men, that she feels awful for blindsiding him, and that she wants him to be happy. He also wants HER to be HAPPY (OMG this is the cutest, most respectful breakup I have seen since my ex Jack and I high fived each other once we completed our breakup talk). It all happens very quickly—Jason is wise to save face by just getting out of there ASAP. After all, what "resolution" do you get from hearing someone repeatedly say that they just don't like you enough? Sometimes you just gotta bounce, not embarrass yourself too much, and know that your heart starts healing with every step you take away from this person. Am I an expert in getting over a breakup or what!?
Once she's alone (well, "alone" with a camera crew, segment producer, a handful of PAs), Becca has a dramatic meltdown of moaning, crying, and claiming "I just did to him what Arie did to me" which didn't make much sense to me and my Bachelor Nation Crew. She just dumped him—it's too bad, but it happens. She didn't propose then reach out to an ex to know she had a safe place to land, then rescind the proposal, then dump him but act too chicken to SAY THE WORDS so she made HIM say them, then refuse to leave his home. She did NOT pull an Arie at all!
The next day was Becca's date with Garrett and mercifully, she was able to smile through it, straddle jump on his tight body, and laugh as Thai citizens splashed her with river water. Garrett and Becca's date was to go upright rafting down a river but it was a Thai national holiday, so that river was PACKED!
Thai families were all over celebrating, swimming, rafting, splashing, drinking, and eating. The pair got caught in a raft traffic jam that looked like a less colorful version of this:
After they had their fill of rafting and staring at a baby elephant, Becca and Garrett rubbed feet and talked about their relationship. Garrett is sweet, but, like Becca, I wonder, does she "challenge" him at all? Can they have REAL talks about REAL issues?
That night, Becca rocked a look that was straight out of the Express catalogue circa 1996: a white, lacey button down with a BIG collar (I legit owned that shirt in black), a white skirt, hair in a loose bun—it was a good look, if a bit dated. Garrett was in his legally required black, short sleeved button down, plus tan pants and sneakers. On pillows placed in a lovely campsite, they discussed his fears of getting divorced again, the fact that his career (medical sales) can go anywhere, his shock that it has all worked out so well, and their shared feelings of happiness. Then it's time for Chris Harrison to encourage them to hump down (via greeting card), and before you know it, they are climbing up into a treehouse for a sky high hump!
When the tree house is rocking, don't come a knocking!
The next morning, they enjoy breakfast in the treehouse before Becca wanders off in tiny, white shorts, a teeny white tank top, and a little umbrella because it was starting to rain and she was about to turn into a walking wet T-shirt contest.
Becca is recovering from 2 Humps in 2 Nights (sounds like the latest Fast & Furious movie) when Jason appears at her hotel room door seeking closure. Normally I am NOT a proponent of seeking closure from the person who dumped you. Closure is a gift you give yourself and it's never wise to put your own ability to move forward/get over a breakup into the hands of anyone else. As an old flame of mine (Kevin—one of 3 Kevins I have dated) once told me, "look, I can't help YOU get over ME" and he's right—what helped me get over Kevin was watching him fail in his comedy career, marry a super basic, boring chick, and move to LA to start being a PA at age 40. Boy oh BOY did that all help me get over him.
But I digress! Jason shows up not to change Becca's mind (bless) but to thank her for everything she gave him (double bless, you handsome hockey boi), say goodbye, and give her a gift that he made for her.
LOOK AT THIS GODDAMN CLASS ACT RIGHT HERE, KIDS!!
What a way to go out. Now THAT feels like the opening bid to become the next Bachelor and I aint mad at it! Jason leaves and Becca thumbs through the photo album, saying "the world needs more Jasons." Amen.
At this point, a rose ceremony is unnecessary so what's up next?
A ROSE CEREMONY!
Becca is in a red, off-the-shoulder cocktail dress and heels. Blake looks like a young Channing Tatum showing up for a casual dance audition in a black shirt and Garrett is in a white shirt, no doubt so that we can tell them apart since Becca's type is "bland white guys with dark hair." It's hard to differentiate one from another.
Becca gets in position and the guys are lined up, waiting for Jason. She tells them that she already killed Jason (JK JK she explains that she sent him home) and gives out the roses—first one goes to Garrett, 2nd one goes to Blake (and you KNOW Blake is developing a major complex about that), and Garrett is inspired enough to propose a toast all about HIS love with Becca and their shared love. Blake is SPIRALING and you can see it in his floppy head. Poor guy.
Next week is the beloved Men Tell all episode when every dude looks ten times better than they have ever looked on TV (now that they see how much the camera truly DOES add 15-20 pounds). I'm excited to see our old pals: Clay, Wills, Jordan, and psychotic Chris.
Then the week after that is the 3 hour LIVE FINALE! Blake and Garrett will be meeting Becca's family, their will be final dates, and one man's world will be DECIMATED while we eat popcorn adn watch.
I'll be hosting a watch party at QED in Astoria for the finale, so come on out!!
Monday night was a big night for Bachelor Nation—HOMETOWNS! Yes, the week of dates when our fearless protagonist visits FOUR families across this great nation and acts as if she is TOTALLY IN LOVE with 4 different guys. Becca gave an Oscar-worthy performance, especially at the home of the guy who she sent packing within days of the hometown date.
But let's start at the beginning: in Manteca, California, also known as Garrett's hometown. This means that Garrett lives in Reno, Nevada OF HIS OWN ACCORD (I think that we all just assumed that he was born there and couldn't quite escape, ya know?). It's fitting that the Bachelorette participant who mocked immigrants and trans people on Instagram is from MANteca, isn't it? This aint WOMANteca, CA.
Becca runs up and does her signature spring-straddle-jump-make-out move in a patterned romper and booties (goodness gracious I HATE the word "bootie" so much, but I suppose that's what they are).
Becca's straddle jump is sorta like this, but a little less graceful and a lot more straddle-y.
Garrett's family is involved in agriculture (so they must enjoy some major farm subsidies sponsored by the Federal government but I bet they HATE people who take "handouts" (cough--subsidies--cough) from the Federal government but also, I don't know these people, so why am I being so negative? Snap out of it, Selena!) so Garrett invites Becca to plant tomatoes with him. They get onto a big green tractor and sit in these little planter seats as Carlos drives the tractor around the field very slowly and they make-out while putting tomato seeds into a chute. They're lucky nobody lost a finger!
They talk about exploiting their eventual children as free farm labor, plant a rose bush near the tomatoes (companion planting, baby!), and drink wine/booze before they meet his ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY.
I'm not kidding—Becca and Garrett roll up to a McMansion (and it might be a random house that's for sale and was staged by the producers because apparently that's a thing that Bachelor producers do now BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD IS A FRIGGING LIE) where the assembled group includes grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles. Garrett's family is THIRSTY to be on TV. Garrett and his brother have a strange fingers-to-eyes signal that they do and Garrett's sister dissolves in tears before you can say "I promised myself I wouldn't cry." Honestly, it felt a lot more like the family's opportunity to process Garrett's divorce than it did the family's opportunity to get to know Becca, ya know?
Otherwise, it's standard issue family shiz: they're protective, they don't want to see him get his heart stomped on again, all that jazz. Outside, Becca and Garrett make out on a perfectly-placed bench.
Becca barely has a moment to wash the taste of Garrett outta her mouth, before it's Jason's turn to show us around BUFFALO, NEW YORK!!
It's one of those gross "spring" days that is grey, raw, and depressions--classic Buffalo! Becca's rocking a cute, baby pink hat and scarf with an army green jacket (sorta Melania "I Don't Care, Do U?" style but with less cruel cynicism) while Jason rocks a grey jacket and slicked back hair (a lil too "Wall Street" for my taste, but whatever).
They head into the world famous Anchor Bar where a HUGE crowd is assembled and there is—wouldn't you know it—a buffalo chicken wing contest that's about to pop off! Becca wows the crowd by knowing that there is NO RANCH DRESSING in Buffalo! Blue cheese only, baby!
Eric Andre should NOT bring his Ranch drama to Buffalo, NY!
Jason and Becca and a few REAL wing eaters chow down as the crowd chants "EAT THOSE WINGS" and then later "KISS! KISS! KISS!"
People in Buffalo, NY LOVE this band, apparently!
Eventually, Jason emerges as the hottest of the contestants when he reveals that he grew up skating and loves playing HOCKEY! Dude! Why were you holding out on me!? I would have loved you from day 1 if I had known that! Is your slicked back hair—could it be—HOCKEY HAIR!?!? This changes EVERYTHING!!! Jason!! I love you! And not just because your brother and his husband are goddamn delights!! But that doesn't hurt, for sure.
Becca and Jason skate around the rink then make-out atop a zamboni (#LIFEGOALS) as a poor zamboni driver just tries to close up the damn rink.
Then they head to Jason's family home where his parents, bro, and bro's husband are waiting for them. Their upstate NY accents KILL ME and take me straight back to the on-campus diner at Hamilton College where the line cooks would scream down the line, "FINGERS FOR A RAAAAAAP" when you ordered a chicken finger wrap (holy unhealthy lifestyle, Batman).
Both of Jason's parents ask how he would handle being dumped, which is a good point, if sorta negative. Jason has a wonderful chat with his brother and his brother's husband and I don't need to tell you that representation matters and I hope that some more conservative members of Bachelor Nation looked at that partnership and saw that they are just like ANY married couple out there. OK, I'll hop off this soapbox now.
Outside, beneath a tree as it snows (Bufallo gonna Buffalo), Jason tells Becca that he's insanely and wildly in love with her.
Up next is Bailey, Colorado, the hometown of smiley Blake. Becca runs out of the car (wearing booties--barf--that word!, jeans, and a maroon jacket) and straddle jumps Blake, who is about to take her on a walk down memory lane at his HIGH SCHOOL! Good Lord why does ANYONE think this is interesting? I mean, your high school? Huh? But this aint any old high school—this is a high school that had a school shooting! Talk about a moment where The Bachelorette can "GET REAL" with topical issues. We hear that strange story and how it inspired Blake to be happy and positive because these reality TV shows LOVE a shaggy dog story of triumph in the face of senseless violence. Goodness gracious I am CYNICAL as hell today, aren't I? I'm sorry. I'm seeing a new dude and I am so happy about it but we had our first little tiff today about a new pair of sunglasses I just bought and now I'm all bugaboo. But it's FINE! He's GREAT! Stalk my Instagram (@selenacoppock) if you want to check him out.
Right after we learn what "code white" means (shooter on the premises) it's time for a "CODE PARTY" cause Betty Who is in the auditorium singing her hit song, "Ignore Me" and Becca is a HUGE fan of this person!!
That night, Becca meets Blake's mom and her (now) husband (aww snap is he the guy from that high school divorce drama?), Blake's dad and his wife, and we hear a LOT about how torn up Blake was in his last breakup.
I can't locate the article now, but I remember reading a really brilliant piece about how when a guy suffers a heartbreak as a young man (HS, college), it is often taken SO SERIOUSLY and treated as this MASSIVE, major event in his life, whereas when a young woman goes through that, somehow it's seen as silly or unimportant and not taken as seriously. It's similar to the phenomenon of "women's movies" or "women's books" being dismissed as "chick flicks" or "chick lit" whereas the MALE experience is the real, serious experience. And so with heartbreak, don't you think?
OK I am RAMBLING today. Back to the snark...
Blake's father wisely reminds his son that life isn't a series of fantasy dates in far-flung locations—can Becca and Blake handle real life together? Becca seems to be hinting at it, saying, "I can see Blake in my life forever—and his family in my life forever." They make out HARD by the car and I gotta say, maybe the Bachelorette producers are messing with me, but Becca and Blake seem to have a closer connection than the others.
Finally, it's Colton's turn and he greets Becca in his hometown of Parker, CO. It's sunny and warm and Becca rocks tight jeans, a red sweater while Colton looks NIIIIIICE in a leather jacket, dark pants, and boots.
They shop for gifts for kiddos that they will be visiting in the Cystic Fibrosis wing of the local hospital, which is a date made to melt your damn heart.
That night, Becca meets the family which is a BIG DEAL to Colton (much like his virginity and hey, you do you, my dude, but most of us threw our virginities down a garbage disposal in high school). Colton's family is his dad (who looks like an older brother and kinda acts that way, too) and his mom (who looks like a big sis and seems SUPER sweet), 3 brothers, a sister, nieces and nephews, and Garrett's entire family (JK on that last part but seriously, that McMansion felt like a clown car of relatives). Colton fills his parents in on how much he has revealed to Becca, which is everything (Tia history, virginity, his minimal previous dating experience). Colton is very smiley and confident and he tells Becca that he knows he's in love with her and he's really happy about it.
After all 4 hometown dates, Becca heads back to Los Angeles to convene with her GIRLZ over MIMOSAS. Becca fills in Caroline, Tia, weird dead animal girl, Sienne, and Baby Rizzo aka Bekah about her 4 remaining suitors. The last name Becca mentions is Colton, which makes Tia's face fall but she attempts a poker face before she literally PUTS UP HER HAND and asks Becca if they can talk 1:1 outside. Yikes.
Tia tells Becca that hearing about Colton makes her feel sick to her stomach, that she still has feelings for Colton (MONTHS after their one-time MAKE OUT?), and that it's really upsetting to her to know that Becca got to meet his family. Oh girl. OK, none of this is OK. I get it, Tia, you are feeling upset and rejected and believe me I know that it is HARD to watch your FRIEND date/make progress with a guy you like. I have BEEN THERE. Trust me. Years back I really liked this comedy guy and we hooked up a bunch of times and then a comedian "friend" of mine went after him and they dated and it was SOOO frigging painful. I get it. But also, Tia girl, you only MADE OUT with Colton. One weekend. You have NO real right to do ANY of what you are doing right now. I'm sure it's upsetting to know that Becca met his camp counselor-like parents. But this—YOUR part in this—is NOT OK. As all my friends know, I feel that SO many issues in life are caused by boundaries (or, really, a lack of boundaries) and this is an example. I'm sorry but Becca is down to FOUR GUYS. Your thoughts are too late, they are ONLY hurtful and toxic at this point, and it's 100% unfair to Becca. Tia says that she "had to be honest" and "couldn't leave without you knowing that" but those aren't true. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. It's brutally painful, but sometimes you gotta just accept that a guy doesn't like you and MOVE ON. As my sister Laurel taught me, closure is a gift you give yourself.
OK, enough of my theories on appropriate friend behavior—we've got a rose ceremony to get to!
Becca looks GORGEOUS in a black ball gown with a plunging neckline, funky collar-ish thing, and MAJOR slit up the side. The guys arrive 1 by 1 and talk to papa Chris Harrison, with Colton, specifically, asking Chris about the fantasy suite. Chris answers that sex is NOT required, which seems pretty damn obvious, but I guess that being a virgin in the fantasy suite is probably like being a 19 year old with a fake ID in a bar—you just assume that somehow, things are really official and you might end up in over your head.
Becca hands out roses to:
-Blake: rocking an all black suit with red bow tie which is an absolutely BIZARRE look.
-Jason: wearing a dark blue suit, light blue shirt, and no tie which is, AS USUAL, MUCH TOO CASUAL FOR A ROSE CEREMONY (especially this late in the game)
-Garrett: done up in a black-on-black suit which is HOTTTTTT and like, a real man's version of Blake's strange outfit.
So America's Next Top Virgin, Colton, is heading back to Colorado to wear a unicorn horn alone. Becca's voiceover insists that it's not about Tia, but I think it's at least a little bit about Tia. And about him being so young and inexperienced, I'm sure. After a certain age, virginity is like an albatross.
Becca walks him out and says that she hates doing this to him, she feels terrible. Colton is a bit weepy and says that he just wants the opportunity to fall in love (Colton for next Bachelor?), be happy (I get that), and not feel broken (aww man—just toss that dang virginity into a ravine like the rest of us).
Becca leaves him with the best line of the season, "it's just not there, as much as I want it to be there." Amen, girl.
Next up, Becca and the Trio of Bois are heading to THAILAND!!! Based on the shot of her crying and an earlier shot of her with Jason at dinner, I'm guessing she sends Jason home next week. Did you notice that? What do you think?
Monday night we had our 7th episode of The Bachelorette and we finally went somewhere tropical--the Bahamas! Bring on the dumb conch shell jokes and innuendo, boys! Becca has 6 suitors and will be snipping 2 in The Bahamas (like that old Andy Dick reality TV show, The Assistant--not "snipping" like surgery) and then next week is HOMETOWNS! Gosh--how are we already here!? This week we had a lotta bikinis and Becca even layered a white bikini beneath a yellow shirt in a group date--a girl after my own heart! Chris Harrison and Becca have a chat and Becca is excited for a week with NO DRAMA. I hear you, Mary J. Blige! Now that Chris, David, and Jordan are gone, I don't think we'll have any drama and I'm glad.
Maybe it was the angle Chris Harrison was sitting at, but I had a moment of wondering if perhaps he has had a face lift recently. Just me? The dudes are chilling out in their hotel room when Becca visits them to kick off the week of dates. There will be 4 dates total: 3 one-on-ones and a group date. No rose ceremony. Colton gets the first 1:1 and he's got to share the news that he's a virgin. I'm almost surprised that this didn't come up earlier in the season. But I suppose it speaks to the double standards for male sexuality vs. female sexuality (and a touch of ageism). When a girl is a virgin, she tends to share it early in the season and it's often seen as a good thing, but Colton is self-conscious and admits that in the past, he evaded questions about it or lied. I'm sure he felt like he had to in macho locker room settings--especially with playing professional football. Nonetheless, it seems like a sorta big thing to drop this late in the game, no? Their date is a day canoodling on a catamaran (rich people word for "big boat"), making out while precariously perched on the bow of said boat, and going conch shell fishing which looks like a LOT of work. Their conch shell expert is a friendly guy need Action Pack and he is FULL of sexual jokes about the conch shell as an aphrodisiac. Oh Producers--we see your fingerprints all over the virgin's date. Can we talk about Becca's bikini!? A cute orange hue with such an interesting neckline! It was like the neckline of a fancy, off-the-shoulder dress, yet it was a bikini! The best of both worlds, man! I discovered a website that hunts down your favorite reality TV clothes and oh man my bank account will never be the same. They have a whole write-up about this orange bikini here!
Isn't it such a cute bikini?
Even if the model on the right looks like a dead body propped upright--it's still a cool neckline!
That night Colton rocks a pink button down and Becca looks lovely in a sparkly cocktail dress with a panel down the cleavage. They toast and begin discussing hometown dates and family and Colton finally says that he has something to say. HOO BOY it seemed like Becca was bracing herself for hearing about a long lost set of kids that he had stowed away somewhere. Colton talks about how, for so long he focused on Football Colton and not Personal Colton and somehow, Football Colton never got his dick wet (and neither did Personal Colton). Is that too crass? I'm sorry. Colton's a virgin and I don't know if I have ever met a former professional sports guy who is like, "yeah, that career really hindered my ability to get laid," ya know? But he has a good explanation: he wasn't waiting for marriage, he was waiting for the right heart. Over the years he lied about it or had shame about being a virgin, but it's part of who he is, yada yada yada, I'm proud of who I am and now that I'm 26 and a virgin, why throw it away? I get that, I suppose. But also, I'm a believe in the idea of "don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it." EITHER WAY, Becca hears his big reveal, then WALKS AWAY FROM THE TABLE AND LEAVE HIM ALONE THERE. HUH!?!?? Arie did that to Lauren during their season and I find it SO unnatural and odd that I think it MUST be something that the Producers told them to do in order to build tension? And make for awkward shots of the person alone and the Bachelor/Bachelorette staring off and processing this supposed bombshell? She eventually returns to the table and they awkwardly continue their conversation. He says that his virginity is a gift that he wants to give someone, which I suppose is nice to hear from a guy because I remember when I was a kid and my childhood friend's mother said that (BUT ONLY ABOUT VIRGINITY BEING A GIFT THAT WOMEN GAVE MEN) so I guess, score one for progress in that respect. Colton gets a rose and Becca will be meeting his family and, heck, maybe taking him to the fantasy suite to test drive it before she buys it. Up next is Garrett who got the first impression rose all those weeks back when we were young and life was simple (May). Becca is in a sorta shirt dress thing and Garrett is in a striped button down and shorts and he RUNS to her, which I can dig. Good effort and attitude, kiddo. They hop in a Sea Plane and drink bubbly (that can't be legal, can it?), cruise around the turquoise waters, and buzz the dude's hotel patio for shits and gigs. The plane lands near an empty island where Becca and Garrett strip down for a picnic, a make-out, and of course, more drinks. They talk about how Garrett has managed to keep his sanity throughout this mind fuck of a dating process. Garrett claims that he doesn't get down or discouraged then moments later says that there have been a few times in his life when he has gotten discouraged, but he can count them on 2 fingers (so, you're saying, like, 2 times?). All these dudes have been reading too many Hallmark cards because their comments feel so corny--especially Garrett's line, "I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, the world's not perfect--but we can be perfect together." Oh man. Stop. Becca knows that there is "physical chemistry" there, but can Garrett go deeper? I wondered--they seem to get along well and enjoy smiling together, making out, but does Garrett offer much intellectually? Becca somehow decides that yes, there is something more from Garrett, and she seems to get that assurance based on a conversation about how they have both been engaged and disappointed by a partner. Join the club, kiddos. I'm still not sure that Garrett has much to offer as far as ideas, excitement, conversation, debate, but Becca's into it. For their evening date, Becca rocks a stunning white dress with interesting neckline (so many great necklines this season, girl!) with her hair back (super cute! She should rock that more often), a sweet little choker thing and a smokey eye, while Garrett's in a black button down. They have their chat about both of them going through heartbreak, Garrett scores the rose, and then STRIP DOWN for a HOT make-out in the ocean! If you are a member of Bachelor Nation, you know what a late night swim in the ocean means: no microphones out there, cameras gotta stay on water so you have some privacy, and thanks to Juan Pablo's season, "going swimming at night" is shorthand for "having sex in the ocean." I was wondering that as Donald Trump's disgusting face was shoved in my face and The Bachelorette was tragically disrupted by his announcement of yet ANOTHER old, conservative white guy who he nominated for the Supreme Court. I can't even. Back to the only thing that my heart can handle right now: THE BACHELORETTE. The final 1:1 date goes to smiley Blake who has been falling apart all week. The other guys posit that Blake needs to catch up a bit--he started strong with Becca but seems to have lost some momentum. Typical experience of an early 1:1 guy, ya know? For their date, Becca rocks a red tank top tied up to show her belly, dark army green pants, and Blake is in a pink T-shirt (meh) and shorts. The Bachelor franchise continues its tradition of calling washed up musical acts to appear on the show and this time it's the BAHA MEN!!!
Oh man, is there a worse idea for a song than a melody that features the sounds of barking dogs set to a crappy rhythm? No, there is not. Becca and Blake join in on the dance party and WOW Blake dances weird. And too much. I shouldn't hate because hey, dancing is recreation for everyone and there's no wrong way to do it, but WOW I was fearful that Blake might injure a Baja Man fan on that dance floor--dude had NO control of his body. Yikes. After gentrifying the stage, Blake and Becs mercifully wander off to an empty beach to talk about insecurities and make-out. Becca says that she feels for Pasty Snooze Arie's predicament because you really CAN fall in love with multiple people at one time which is certainly NOT what your boyfriend wants to hear. That night, Blake shows off his version of formalwear which is a short-sleeved, white button-down buttoned all the way up, which makes him look like a sort of Cholo/Martin Short nerd character hybrid. What I'm saying is, dude, stop choking yourself with that damn collar!
Becca is in a casual, blue sundress with dangly earrings and, over liquid dinner, they discuss small town life and how much it sucks. AMEN! Blake explains that his family is extremely unemotional, they don't talk about issues or problems but just ignore them and I can't believe this guy isn't a WASP! Then again, maybe he is--his name is Blake, after all. Either way, Blake tells all of America that his mother cheated on his father with his basketball coach/English teacher. WOOOOW. Hooo boy I hope your mom is cool with your spilling these beans! Then again, it sounds like they were already spilled all over your hellscape hometown, Blake! Becca remarks that Blake always claims it's hard for him to open up, yet he's the most open of ANY of the guys! I feel like these claims that "it's hard for me to open up because I have been hurt before" are so often just posturing to make the guy feel more like Dylan McKay or some other loner, rolling stone character, ya know? Blake says, "Becca, I am in love with you," they make our HARD and Blake gets a rose. She's excited to meet Blake's family (word to the wise: don't bring up the infidelity!!!!) and she says, "my heart recognizes his heart" which is so damn cute it gave me warm fuzzies. They walk out and do a classic wall make-out as we hear voice over of Becca saying, "I want to tell him that I'm in love with him" which is a RED FLAG, BACHELOR NATION! This feels like what we have seen so many times in the past where the Producers edit the footage to make Blake look like the shoe-in, which means he will definitely NOT win and will get his world RUINED. I can't wait to watch! The next day is group date time and Leo (man bun), Wills (loves patterned fabric more than any other power clasher I have met), and Jason (who my friend Jenn met a wedding last weekend!).
CHECK IT OUT! It's New York City comedian Jenn Wehrung with a man who is either engaged to a gorgeous gal named Becca OR smiling through the heartbreak of knowing that America is about to watch him get DUMPED on television!
LEO!? What is going on here!!!??!
Jason is looking like he's about to attend Puffy's infamous white party. Leo is in Nantucket Red shorts (aka Salmon color) and a blue T-shirt, and Wills is rocking a patterned tank top and dark shorts. Beccca is wearing her best outfit of the season: white, jean daisy dukes, a tiny white jean jacket, a yellow tank top, and underneath it all, a WHITE BIKINI!! PRAISE GOD! This is a KILLER look and it gives more press to an underserved community of which I am a member: WHITE BIKINI WEARERS!!! The grew plays volleyball and the teams are Jason and Becca vs. Leo and Wills, which was some not-so-subtle foreshadowing. Jason and Becca talk and she tells him that he's pretty unemotional, unenthusiastic, which I can sorta see but also, mere moments about he LEPT from a moving boat to SPRING through waves into your arms, so maybe cut the dude some slack? Becca and Wills talk and it is a SOLID conversation, so you know he's being sent home. Becca and Leo talk and sweet Leo says that he knows he's different from the other guys (aww dude--you're just as weird as the rest--trust me!), he knows he's a LOT to take (stop stealing my lines, Leo!), and that he speaks only in truth. The audio mixers must have had a tough time b/c it sounded like they were seated on top of a crashing wave and Becca tells Leo that they simply aren't as far along as the other relationships, so with that she sends him home. We see footage of Leo roaming the surf alone and I just hope that dude didn't fill his pockets with rocks for a suicide, Virginia Woolf-style, ya know? That night is a 2-on-1 date between Wills (now in yet another patterned shirt because this Patterned Party Bus stops for NO ONE!), Jason (looking like it's casual Friday at the Alamo Rent A Car where he works) and Becca (in a pinkish/whitish dress with yet another KILLER neckline--her style is amazing). She has alone time with each guy and her alone time with Jason feels flat, while her conversation with Wills is emotional, dynamic, exciting, interesting, so you know Wills is about to walk the plank. They all reconvene at the table and Becca gives the rose to Jason, then walks Will to the car and says goodbye with remarkable efficiency and calmness. In the car, Wills says, "it's hard to give someone your heart and have them say, 'no thank you'" which made me laugh because that's my catchphrase (well, one of my many catchphrases). Becca walks back to Jason, they make out hard, and he is giddy because she's heading to BUFFALO (she's not as giddy, understandably). Next week we witness the hometown dates and it seems like these parents are NOT HAVING IT, though I'm sure that in time, they will be miraculously convinced of the prudence of meeting your soul mate on a reality TV dating show. Stay tuned!
YO PALZ! Monday night was episode 6 of Becca's illustrious season as The Bachelorette and she reminded us of why she is such a good Bachelorette--she don't take no mess. No quite to the degree that Rachel didn't suffer fools gladly (I LOVED her mantra about "keeping it 100"), but Becca does stand her own in the face of Chris's attempted manipulations. CHRIS! What a loser! I hated him from night one (because of his face, his energy) but Becca was a little slower to figure him out. She finally did, though, thank God. Monday's episode found us in exotic Richmond, Virginia and we were repeatedly beaten about the face and neck with the reminder that "Virginia Is for Lovers" throughout episode 6. I have bruises from it!!! I get it!! UNCLE!! VA is for LOVERS!! Please stop! Jason (slicked back hair, lil guido) scores the week's first date and it's a 1:1 so he's amped. The rest of the men are stuck in a hotel suite where Chris and Lincoln vie for the title of "Dude Who Is Most Annoying and Tiresome" and it's neck and neck! Garrett may be problematic, but his comment that "it's like dumb and dumber but I don't know which one is which" is dead on. Wills is annoyed and giving GREAT face about it. Hotties Connor and Colton are equally frustrated and dumbfounded by this idiocy. If you think women cause drama and have petty brawls, you have GOT to watch The Bachelorette because these dudes take petty to a "whole new level," as dummy Chris would phrase it. In happier scenes, Becca and Jason sipped champagne on the back of a trolley, visited St. John's Church (where Becca played tour guide/trivia sharer to a wholly unnecessary degree), painted donuts, and attended an UNHAPPY HOUR (honk!) where bizarro, goth 20-somethings stood around awkwardly drinking red fluids. Wait, is that a goth happy hour or an 9th grade party in Small Town, USA? The pair wandered around the Edgar Allen Poe museum and I found the Poe stuff bizarre because Poe was born in Boston and is definitely associated with Baltimore more than anywhere else. But wikipedia has informed me that Poe attended UVA, so I suppose that is why they have latched onto his legacy. Either way, Becca hops into an upright coffin and Jason leans in for a kiss while she's in the 'ole death box. Virginia IS for lovers!! Even DEAD LOVERS!! (I'm loopy--just ate lunch--too much sugar in the 'ole poke bowl.) Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Chris is a "walking storm cloud" and is going off the rails on a crazy train, if you get what I mean.
I don't think I have had a season of recapping this show in which I have not referenced this song. It always fits! And Chris is a psychopath who is more upset at feeling MILDLY rejected or forgotten than he should be! Take the L, kid! Back on the date, Becca has a surprise for Jason and it's HIS THREE BEST FRIENDS at a packed bar! This will be GREAT audio, people! Jason tells one friend about how much he likes Becca as Becca grills 2 other friends (one of whom is the strong, silent, CUT to death type and mama likes it) about Jason's character. Unsurprisingly, Jason's friends like Jason!! WOW! Talk about getting the INSIDE SCOOP, ya know? After the drinks date (beer in wine glasses, huh?), Becca and Jason walk into the parking lot for a sensual leg kiss with jump and leg straddle. It looked like pairs figure skating! That night Jason is in a dark suit and no tie, which is THE LOOK this season and I sorta hate it. I can dig the suit-and-no-tie look AFTER an event. Or if an event is very casual. But I dunno--it just feels like walking into a really fancy, sit-down dinner (to which your date is wearing a damn DRESS) and being like, "fuck you," ya know? Becca looks amazing, as always--black cocktail dress that shows off her shoulders beautifully, hair down, dangly earrings. They talk about having a core crew of friends, family illness and death, and how family and friends are everything (DUH, dudes). Becca gives Jason a rose, then climbs up a ladder directly above him (HEYO!! Here's a preview of THE GOODS, guido lite), then they end up in a clock tower where they scream and make out. Back at the hotel, Chris sees his own inability to attract Becca as a challenge to be conquered, which it's not. No one wants to hear your motivational sayings or mantras about adversity, bro. Just go back to Florida where your facial hair is probably not the red flag that it is anywhere else. The next day is a group date and the crew is Colton (ummmm hi), Garrett (growing on me), Wills (I LOVE his facial expressions when losers start popping off), Connor (SO HANDSOME, SO UNDERRATED), Blake (lil dopey but Becca likes him so I'll give him a pass), Lincoln (too emotional), and Chris (creepy AF). Becca meets them at the capitol building in Richmond, VA where she is wearing a maroon PANTSUIT and in tribute to the brilliant, qualified, ambitious, hardworking, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, winner of the popular vote and rightful President of the United States of America. Becca and the Boyz meet up with period actors playing George Washington (1st Pres, yo!) and Abraham Lincoln (sweet 16th prez) who inform them that their task today will be a debate-style conversation about dating Becca: BECCELECTION 2018 or something like that. A crowd assembles outside the state house and the dudes each take a place a lectern (remember: a podium is just the top part--a lectern is the whole thing. Thanks for reminding me of this crucial info, dad!!) and the Governor of Virginia, Ralph Northam, asks the first question. Now, I shrieked when the guy said that he was the actual GOVERNOR of VIRGINIA but ya know what? That's kinda cool. Richmond was showcased beautifully in this episode (it made me want to do a weekend getaway down there!) and I'm sure that the VA Board of Tourism was eager to get on TV and the Governor was into it. That makes me smile! And his question was great: what would is your idea of a perfect date with Becca? Colton pulls a Bill Madison and says "Virginia Is for Lovers" which WINS THAT CROWD OVER!! He also mentions Becca's Corgi because HE LISTENS TO HER!!!!
Wills is genuin and earnest, Connor makes a joke about his great hair (we have so much in common, my sweet little tank engine of shirts with many buttons undone), and Lincoln takes a cheap shot at Chris which, unsurprisingly, makes Chris go OFF THE RAILS. Chris shocks the crowd by saying into his microphone that Lincoln called him a "fat BLEEP" (fuck? bitch?) then rambles on about dishonesty within the house. At the closer of this trainwreck, Chris whines to Blake about how "I had to look like the bad guy in front of all these people." WOW. Dude. You did that to yourself! No one else looked bad! Ya know why not? Cause no one else ran his mouth! You are self-pitying, narcissistic, paranoid, and NOT HOT. Becca should have grabbed the mic from you and said, "your tour ends here" which is a quite from a different reality TV dating show, Rock of Love, but it's a GREAT line to dump someone. That night the group date afterparty is in a classic home that has, seemingly, no heat. Becca is looking "finale of Grease" cool in a black bustier with a choker attached (I did NOT understand the Physics on that one, but then again, I legit got a D in Physics I THINK--wait, did I take physics? So much of my education is a blur of worrying about brushing my hair and wondering if anyone had any gum--that was back when I chewed GUM!! Now I'm anti-gum--thanks, mom!! I legit mean it! Gum is garbage! But I digress), tight black pants, and heels. She looked SO GOOD. But ya know who else is in all black and also wants ATTENTION? FUCKING CHRIS!!!
SHREDDED knees at a classy afterparty!? Dude. Get a clue.
Lincoln scoops up Becca first, taking her to a private room so that he can tell her that Chris is unstable and that Connor is rooming with Chris but is a bit anxious about it because, again, Chris is unstable and volatile. Chris proves that Lincoln might be a lil kookoo, but he's telling the truth, by interrupting their 1:1 conversation much too soon. So Becca and Chris talk alone and Chris is, yet again, stunningly self-pitying and narcissistic--he reminds me of guys I used to date. Blech. Becca is candid with Chris, telling him that, apparently, sweet hottie Connor is uncomfortable rooming with him and that that fact makes her very uncomfortable. His response is that THAT makes him very uncomfortable. Becca then volleys that it makes HER very uncomfortable but Chris can't leave well enough alone, so he AGAIN says that that makes him very uncomfortable. GUY! Wow! You SO profoundly DO NOT GET IT. I mean, people feel uncomfortable AROUND YOU because you have been huffing and puffing around, being angry, being flippant--OTHER PEOPLE get to feel uncomfortable but you need to own the fact that YOU have created this world, dude. I was stunned that Becca didn't send him home then and there. There is NO coming back from this.
Eventually, Chris goes back to the group to ruin their night, also, and he says the phrase "on so many levels" about a dozen times, plus accuses the other guys of lying. HUH? Dude. Stop. You have completely lost the point of this show and gotten caught up in the weeds--get yourself outta there. Becca is so shaken by her conversation with Chris that she attempts to talk to Garrett then asks him to leave so that she can collect herself. Garrett then reads Chris the riot act (good job, dude) and says that Chris needs to MOVE ON because his drama is now affecting everyone. Chris seems willing to take that note--likely, because it was issued by a man. In lighter moments at the after party, Colton and Becca make out HARD. Wills tells Becca that he's falling in love with her. Garrett says he's "not so good with words" so he reads her his closing statement from earlier that day (awww) and Connor wears glasses, which make him look even cuter than usual.
LOOK AT THIS FORMER PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYING CUTIE!
At the close of the date, Becca delivers a lengthy monologue about the person to whom she is giving the rose and she's raving about this guy and Garrett is GRINNING because he thinks it's him, but it's not--she's describing COLTON! Ha! Oh man. Moments like that are why The Bachelorette is so entertaining and wonderful. Chris, in classic psychopath style, ends the date saying, "I don't give up--I'm not going to lose this battle." BATTLE? Against whom? Dude--go home and stop embarrassing yourself. I can't wait to see that fucker try to save face on "The Men Tell All" episode. The next day is Becca and man bun Leo's 1:1 date and Becca is emotionally exhausted, which I definitely understand. They take a plane to explore VA from the sky, get suited up in waders and go oyster farming then shuck them there in the water, which always reminds me of that sweet children's book in which the little girl finds some oysters. I just googled it HARD and came up empty. Does anyone else remember that one? Sorry for this diversion--let's get back to the HOT DATES and cute bois. Leo is lovely--he tells Becca that he would "be hers" in the real world if she wanted him (aww dude), he says "you're so hot" as they kiss (hell yeah, man), and later in the date he candidly admits that he adores his father and fears that he has let his father down. Oh man. Leo is so wonderful because there's no artifice--he is who he says he is and he isn't an operator, ya know? He's like the opposite of Chris. Leo gets the rose and Becca seems so touched by him, but I don't see him lasting to Hometowns. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Connor and Jason are talking about volatile Chris as Chris sits alone in a dark room, scribbling something on a notepad. The producers are really having a FIELD DAY with this "Chris as Serial Killer" narrative and I am sort of loving it. The close of Leo and Becca's dinner date is that they attend a concert of country music SUPERSTAR MORGAN EVANS (JK JK JK who the EFF is Morgan Evans? Just another country music newbie who is being featured on The Bachelorette/The Bachelor because that is ALL THEY DO. Remember years ago when they had Seal on and he sang "Kiss from a Rose"? Why can't we get back to stuff like that, huh, ABC?). Becca is rocking a sparkly, silver minidress and Leo looks handsome in a suit. They make out and dance awkwardly on a platform as Bachelor Nation records all of it on their iPhones, rather than just living in the moment. Leo returns to the hotel, rose-on-lapel victorious and the other guys greet him with glee, which pisses off psycho grumpus Chris.
Actual photo of Chris watching Leo return from his 1:1 date with a rose
Chris exits the living room immediately and puts on his jacket, then hustles over to Becca's room. Because what Becca wants right now is MORE DRAMA, no doubt. We see footage of Chris nonsensically badmouthing Lincoln ("that man eats 12 eggs every day--his cholesterol has to be 6000") before he arrives at Becca's door and all Becca can do is laugh a LOT and repeatedly ask, "what are you doing here?" Becca lets him in and it's painful to watch--as usual, Chris is completely "me-me-me" and he says, "I need you to not think about that anymore" (Ummm NOPE! YOU don't get to decide what she gets to think about), "I can see myself marrying you at the end of this" (to which she wisely asks him what changed because a week ago, you were ready to bounce outta here, guy), and finally, he says, "I'm not going to let this adversity stop me from what I want" (ummm HUH?? "What you want" is another human and SHE also gets to decide what she wants, dude). Overall, he just make himself look, as usual, selfish and uncaring, which is ironic because you KNOW that he thinks that his repeated conversations with Becca are to show that he cares about her. But he doesn't--he cares about winning, he cares about saving face. That's all. FINALLY, Becca says, "I know that this is not going to work out" (and passive aggressive pussy makes her explain that TWICE--come on guy--you KNOW what she is saying here) then angrily says that he does NOT want her to walk him out. Good riddance, bitch. You're a profoundly angry man who doesn't take ownership of his own problems. Byyyyyye.
It's rose ceremony time and there are 8 guys, 3 have roses, 2 will go home. Becca scraps the cocktail party, much to Connor's chagrin. It is BOW TIE NIGHT on The Bachelorette and these dudes are looking NICE (except for the guys who are wearing NO ties which is a look that inspires me to recite my personal mantra, NO THANK YOU!!!). Garrett, Blake, and Wills already have roses. I was too tired to tally the order of the rose presentation, but at the end of it, Connor and Lincoln were rose-less and sent home. Connor is a sexy CLASS ACT, so he tells Becca that he hopes she finds love, he waves goodbye, and he bounces. Lincoln is similarly classy, hugging goodbye and leaving without drama. More than we can say for Chris, huh? THANKFULLY, we'll see Connor on Bachelor In Paradise, but unfortunately, we'll also see Psychopath Chris. Be careful in Paradise, ladies. The episode closes with some jabs at Pasty Snooze Arie from Honest Abe and I was DYING. See you next week!
