Bachelorette Rachel FINALE! 3 to 1 to 2 (I HATE MATH!)

Pals!

As you probably noticed, my blog reading die-hards, I didn't get around to recapping The Men Tell All.  I'm sorry--last week got away from me because I did a rad show on Monday night then recorded a podcast Tuesday night, then Wednesday night I hit the gym and crawled in bed by 9:00pm like a sleepy dweebus then Thursday I saw a rad bluegrass band down at Coney Island, then the weekend was upon me--yada yada yada.  Also, The Men Tell All episodes can be fun, but I figured this one might just be Lee defending his ignorance/racism/implicit bias and I wasn't in the mood to bother catching up.

ANYHOO.

Last night was the finale and you bet your bottom dollar I tuned in!  This season has been VERY different than previous seasons in many ways (Rachel's family did NOT uproot themselves and fly to paradise to meet 2 guys, her father never appeared on camera, and her nephew has the strangest name I have heard in a long time--Alistair).  So it came as no surprise that Monday night's episode was a bit different than Bachelor Nation is accustomed to. But also, the storyline demanded it.

So we tuned in and our intrepid therapist host, Chris Harrison, was there along with a few dozen screaming women, ready to guide them home.  In a shocking move, who joined him on the live finale studio stage, but RACHEL LINDSEY herself!! Rachel was looking gorgeous in a pinkish/white, tight cocktail dress that enabled her to show major cleavage (more than we saw all season), sexy metallic heels, sparkly hoops, and dark eyes but light lip (great move).  Her hair was curled and she was ready to watch the playback of multiple breakups in a row while an audience watched HER watching her own life.  Wheee! Modern society is completely bonkers!!

We head right back to Rioja, Spain where--if anyone can even remember this--Rachel had her Fantasy Suite date with sweet Eric.  I was always Team Eric, but also, I always knew he probably wouldn't stick the landing.  Sigh.  We left off the next day during her date with Robot Peter and we pickup with them having a heartfelt conversation about the impasse they have reached: Rachel came on the show to find a husband (literally that is the SOLE GOAL of the show) and Peter came on the date to, what, find a GF? Huh? Neither will budge so they use the Fantasy Suite as an opportunity to "discuss things" (wink wink) and perhaps I'm a Fantasy Suite snob, but their setup was pretty underwhelming.  I suppose you can have sweet humps with a short term BF anywhere and it will be fun, but it just seemed like the 'ole Fantasy Suite budget was tight this go-round.  Anybody else?

The next morning they do the 'ole "I woke up like this" and are cutesy with each other as they cook breakfast, sip coffee, and smile, kiss goodbye.

Because Rachel still has a sex date with Bryan!  This Hump Train has a schedule to keep and it's time to GET ON BOARD!!!!

Up next is Bryan and Rachel's date and Rachel waits for him in her best 1990s finery--velvet choker, jeans, plaid shirt tied around her waist, cropped top, and a jean jacket. Goodness it was like walking into a high school dance circa 1994 and I was loving it!  Bryan is wearing a red shirt and jeans (who cares?) and the pair hopped on some horses, then dismounted to drink and discuss his visit to Dallas, which felt like a MILLION years ago.  Bryan tries his best to act like he thought it went fine and that they were skeptical because this arrangement is new to them, NOT because Bryan's a smooth talking weasel, right?

Rachel isn't quite herself and in interview footage, she admits that Peter really did a number on her mentally. Ugh.  Bryan very gingerly commented on it and said that she seemed a little off, the energy feels different (which is very perceptive of him and surprised me) and Rachel takes this to heart, resets, and re-energizes for Bryan, which really impressed me.

ALSO, during all of this as we cut to commercial, Chris Harrison promotes trailers for a few upcoming fall NBC sitcoms and WOW white men are making adventures HAPPEN in the fall line-up!

But back to Rachel and the rad, 80s style black suit jacket/dress with fringed edging that she wore for "dinner" with Bryan.  She looks great and seems focused on Bryan, so they head to the Fantasy Suite (his response to the date card was admittedly very funny and charming).  The next morning, Rachel and Bryan are lovey-dovey but everybody needs to get home to get cleaned up for the Rose Ceremony!

Rachel roams through the fields of a winery in a BEAUTIFUL red, flowy dress with intricate beading on the sleeves and a flattering waistline as the guys arrive.  Eric is in a scoop neck shirt and dark suit with cool, white sneakers.  Bryan is in a grey suit jacket with black edging that makes him look like he put a grey suit jacket over a black suit jacket, and Peter is looking hot BUT HE IS A ROBOT AND CANNOT EXPERIENCE HUMAN EMOTIONS!! The Scientists who built Peter probably dressed him, so I can't give any credit to Peter directly.

Rachel arrives and says something to all 3 guys that is a direct message to Peter, "I came here to cultivate a relationship that moves toward the common goal of marriage" and all of Bachelor Nation screamed my new tagline directly at Peter, "GOODNIGHT, BIIIIIITCH!"

Alas, it wasn't to be!  Rachel gave roses to....

Bryan then
PETER!!

Poor Eric was sent home.  He handled it with SUCH grace, class, kindness that Rachel joked that se felt like perhaps she had made the wrong decision. Unlike most other guys who parlay this into dates once they are done, I really hope that this experience DOES open up some opportunities for sweet Eric.  He was graceful from start to finish and watching him blossom from anxious dude on night 1 (those SHOULDERS were CRUNCHED UP) to confident, calm suitor on the way out was a treat. Much love to you, Eric.

[Gosh I get too emotional with all of this but these people are REAL PEOPLE and also I'm just sort of weepy lately because you just never know what will happen in life and a friend got a scary diagnosis lately and it makes me so sad and scared. Sorry for this aside. Thank you all for reading my wacko recaps--I genuinely, truly appreciate it. OK let's get back out there and judge some boys, shall we?]

So we're down to Peter the Robot who refuses to budge about his commitment to only proposing ONCE in his life and Bryan the slippery suave Miami boy who has always been 100% into Rachel and I have somehow hated for it, but wait, why is that a bad thing? If it's GENUINE (and that's where I lose faith somewhat) then let it rip.

Bryan and Rachel have a final date up in a hot air balloon (my nightmare) and then they have an evening make-out date during which Bryan presents Rachel with a customized Spanish-English dictionary, but the worse he has "customized" are so boring--just "wife," "husband," "forever." Dude--I thought that perhaps you were going to do something cute or funny!  But no, you're really not capable of that.  Sigh.

The next day Rachel and Peter have their final date and when they're not getting marriage advice from a monk they are still debating the issue of whether or not Peter is capable of proposing.  Man.  Is THIS the hill you want to die on, Peter?  Rachel phrases it SO perfectly, saying that Peter talks about their future together and how he can see it--where they will live, trips they will take, what sized mattress they will buy (seriously), yet he somehow can't take the necessary step to GET THEM THERE.  She's able to perfectly verbalize things that would prompt me to just scream, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" and run off searching for the monk to console me.  Also her camo jacket was perfection.

That night, Peter and Rachel talk in circles some more, to no avail.  Rachel feels confused and, as a tough love sister once told me, if you're confused or unsure where you stand with a guy, well, there's your answer.  He's just not that in to you. It's hard to hear, but it's true.

And so it was with Peter--he has CHOSEN to set up a roadblock for himself and obey this strange rule. I know PLENTY of people who have been engaged and called it off.  I know PLENTY of people who have gotten divorces.  Sure, you don't want to walk into reality TV dating stuff with the idea that marriage is a joke, but also, let yourself LIVE, Robot Peter!!  But you can't because you're a robot.

Oh also, let's not forget when Peter dropped a line he will NEVER LIVE DOWN, which is when he encouraged her to essentially, get engaged just to be engaged and "go find someone to have a mediocre life with."

FUCK YOU.

Fuck off.  No.  You do NOT get to try and SCARE Rachel into waiting for you.  That is so manipulative and you know it is, dude.

For as much as I don't really love Bryan, I gotta admit that the Peter vs. Bryan match up really felt like a situation in which the girl decided to FINALLY stop taking emotional bullshit from a guy who she had pined after for SO LONG (I can relate WOW WOW WOW) and decided to instead, go for a guy who is NICE TO HER and OPENLY LOVES HER (spoiler alert) and people now act like she "settled." She didn't settle. There's NOTHING WRONG with accepting the love of a kind, devoted, emotionally available man and fuck you for claiming that by accepting healthy, unconditional love, you are somehow settling.

Hoooo boy!  That got me all riled up! But I think that years of having guys pull bullshit like that on me (just manipulative moves to make you not trust your own judgment and not accept love) have made me able to sniff this out.

Rachel and Peter both agree that they are going to regret this decision but what else can they do? Peter won't budge and Rachel didn't come on this show to just keep dating.  They walk to the elevators.  By this point, Rachel has cried off her fake eyelashes (hilarious) and after some last kisses, she takes the stairs as Peter cries and asks himself, "What is wrong with me?"  We're ALL wondering that, you idiot.  When you let a beautiful, accomplished, successful, funny, easygoing woman with a killer career WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE, there is something wrong with you.

And when Peter came out to face Rachel, Chris Harrison, and the studio audience, it was TENSE!  It felt like Peter is still processing this and kicking himself for being unwilling to take a chance.  I bet he'll look back on this in a few years and realize what a mistake he made.  I kept waiting for there to be a moment of levity between them, or even a moment of levity FOR HIM, where he admitted that maybe he was too strict with his own weird rules, but it never came.  I really feel bad for him--he'll live to regret this.

But onto the HAPPY ENDING!!!

Rachel gets ready (loved that shot of her supposedly curling her hair when the iron was probably turned off-ha) and Bryan picks out his blood diamond (you know how I feel about diamonds, dear readers) and shows up to the appointed location--a Spanish mountaintop that was SUNNY and beautiful JUST BEFORE Bryan arrived, but turned into a goddamn TWISTER once he got there.  HA!





Bryan arrived in a black suit, white shirt which was classic cool against Rachel's fierce sparkly, beaded, slinky silver dress with SUPER HIGH THIGH SLIT (yazzzz) and sparkly earrings.  Bryan does his monologue, telling her how he liked her from the start, he wants her to be his wife and the mother of his children and he hopes she feels the same.  She demures a bit and then tips her hand, saying that he was too perfect and she was trying to find cracks in the foundation because she's used to difficult relationships, but he's the perfect foundation and that she sees her forever with him.  He JUMPS on her and she has to shout "WAIT" and push him off a bit so that she can tell him that she loves him (that was cute), then they kiss HARD and Bryan gets down on his knee.  Rachel shrieks and is elated, then they make out more as the twister SWIRLS AROUND THEM!!!  GET SOME SHELTER, YOU CRAZY LOVEBIRDS!!

In the studio, Bryan comes out and gets down on one knee in front of Rachel AGAIN, asking her to "re-marry him" (which felt VERY odd but was because she didn't want to wear the ring before and spill the beans).

They're both very happy, but a few of their remarks gave me pause: they haven't decided where they will settle (Miami or Dallas or maybe LA, they say. Yiiiiikes.) Also they don't seem to have given much thought to the future and their shared claims that their respective families LOVE their engagement rung a little hollow to me.

For their sake, I really hope that this is like a Desiree/Chris situation where The Bachelorette was so focused on ONE guy (in Desiree's case that tall Mormon guy who was NOT hot; in Rachel's, Peter) and then he essentially broke her heart so she finally noticed the strong and steady who had been there all along (Chris, Bryan).  I appreciate that Rachel got what she wanted--a man who wants to propose and be married.  Bryan is 37, so hell yeah, he's ready for that, it seems.  I'm psyched for Rachel that she chose the path of love and acceptance and didn't roll the dice with Peter and sacrifice her own needs.

I wish Bryan and Rachel much luck!!  And for their sake, I hope they get out of LA and try something real.

If you want to listen to the lovely Dava Krause and me discuss this finale point by point, take a listen to our podcast The Fantasy Suite here.

Next week Bachelor In Paradise starts and I'll probably live tweet it when I can, but Mama needs her Monday nights back!!

Thank you all for reading this season!  What did you think of the finale!? Who do you think they will select as the next Bachelor??

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 9: Meet The Parents (and sister, aunt, cousin)

FRIENDS!

I am extremely late with EVERYTHING right now.  Things were kookoo bananas last week with my album recording on Wednesday (which went BEAUTIFULLY and I am so proud of the show and the album will be released in September or October and you better believe I'll be badgering you to buy it).  I watched the bizarro episode in which Rachel's final 3 suitors met assorted members of her family in Dallas, which is UNPRECEDENTED in Bach history, but I love that Rachel's family is like, "yeah ummm Papa Lindsay aint flying to some wacko island and also Constance is pregnant so we're going to change things up this year" and they did!!

The final 3 guys (Peter the Human Robot who seems to have NO emotional capabilities whatsoever; Eric the nice guy who I think she should pick but is she HOT for him the way she's hot for the others; and Bryan the frigging slick Willy who is like "within moments of looking at Rachel, I declared her my GF and knew I was in love with her" and I'm like, "CAN WE PLEASE GET REAL AT SOME POINT HERE?" because I have been re-reading too much Dr. Phil lately.

My quick breakdown of the odd Hometown Trio's family meetings:

-Peter looks good and gives a frigging' monologue when he first sits down for lunch with the family.  How his parents met, his first impressions of Rachel, the fact that he was built in a laboratory by a kindly scientist who wants to see if he can build a robot who could eventually FEEL. He sits down with assorted family members and tells Rachle's mother (who DON'T TAKE NO MESS and I love it) that he doesn't want to ask her for permission to propose to Rachel right now, but rather, permission to keep dating her.  HUH???? WHAT IS THAT? THAT IS NOT A THING YOU DO.  One the RARE occasion that I have a boyfriend (shout out to the men of NYC who have disappointed me and stood me up MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!), that dude isn't calling my parents every so often to get their blessing for us to KEEP DATING.  Blech.  Peter--time to hit the bricks, pal.  Sorry, but at some point in life you MAY want to lead with emotion and your heart.

Also, I really like Constance and I love that name, but what is UP with her son being named Alistair? It sounds like an old timey manservant in Victorian England, not a cute kiddo who loves strips in Dallas!

-Eric is up next and before the family meeting, Rachel and Eric enjoy the view from some brutalist Space Needle wanna-be in Dallas.  Oh man I'd be willing to be that building was built in the 1960s or 70s when every city was like, "isn't poured concrete so great? Brutalism is an architectural style that we'll NEVER regret! Just look at Boston's City Hall Plaza--everybody loves it! Right? Right? Riiiiight?"

The family all really like Eric and they perceive him to be very genuine, candid, which he is.  He talks about his chaotic upbringing and I wonder if Rachel cares about him more as a friend/someone who she respects for what he has endured, more than a romantic partner, ya know?  Eric asked Rachel's mom for permission to propose and she grants it.  He's relieved and I'm hoping Rachel goes with him when all is said and done!

Up next is Miami's smoothest import since Gloria Estefan, BRYAN. Ugh.  Before the family visit, Rachel takes Bryan to a restaurant where they have drinks with her blonde pals on a windy roof.  Rachel admits that at first, she thought Bryan was a "douche bag" (YOUR INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT, RACHEL! TRUST THEM! DR. PHIL WOULD AGREE WITH ME!).  Bryan seems to make a good impression on the blonde gals somehow (ugh) but he does NOT impress the Lindsay family (thank God).  Constance is NOT having his use of the word "love" every other sentence and she tells him as much (YES) and Mama Lindsay likes that Bryan is close with his mother, but dislikes how effusive he is about people he hardly knows.  Overall, Bryan's visit feels like a VERY uncomfortable job interview and Rachel gets defensive on his behalf.  Oh girl--let this slippery snake slip out of your hands and go crack some backs back in Miami.

During that meeting, Rachel says something that reminds me of me: "I'm chill until I'm not." AMEN!! Love that!

After the Dallas family lunches, 3 Men and a Rachel fly to Spain for 3 nights of dates and FANTASY SUITE HUMPS.  We witness Rachel and Eric's final date and sleepover (well, the standard cutaway to fireworks or the light in a window turning off or some other such indicator that "HUMPS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.")  We watch Peter and Rachel's final date is cute (stomping on grapes! drinking wine!) but ends with the two of them seemingly at an impasse because Peter is a robot who cannot make decisions with his heart (he doesn't have one! He runs on a battery that must be recharged--what is a heart?) and Rachel is a fucking adult human who wants to get married, which is why she came on the damn show!

Am I getting too emotional?

This week was The Men Tell All and I'll watch that on Wednesday (after a serious date with the gym) and recap as quickly as I can.  Apologies for the delay, sweet readers!!

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 8: HOMETOWNS

PALZ!

On Monday night a little bird flew into my apartment (for the 2nd time in 3 years which is a whole lotta birds as part-time roommates) so I was home to freak out about that AND to watch Rachel visit four lucky suitor's hometowns!  (Note: the bird ended up in the empty bedroom in my apartment--I'm currently seeking another roommate--where I simply opened the window and the screen, shut the door, and prayed that the bird would find its way out. It did! All is right in the world!)

The episode kicked off with Rachel visiting Eric's hometown of Baltimore, MD. Rachel looked cute in her casual getup of jeans, cute boots, and a white-ish plaid button down while Eric represented Canadian nuptials (that is, a Canadian tuxedo) in a denim-on-denim ensemble.  The pair canoodled at the basketball court and then Eric's hype man, Ralph, showed up to assure Rachel that Eric was a stellar student, scholar, athlete and great friend who managed stay positive despite his chaotic surroundings.  Eric expanded on that to Rachel, saying how his mother was so unemotional and obsessively self-sufficient, that he became very "hard" (I feel like I should up that in quotation marks but also using those makes me feel like a reeeeal suburban dummy) and unwilling to let in romantic love. He said that his friends had never seen him be romantic or touchy-feely with a woman, which I found fascinating--I'm sure that in his younger years he saw that as weak.

Eric and Rachel head over to "Auntie's" apartment (and Auntie is Verna, who, it seems, was a nurturing mother figure to Eric AND SHE RULES, unsurprisingly) with flowers and gifts.  The entire family is assembled---Auntie, Eric's mom, Eric's dad, seemingly other cousins, Ralph--and they all cheer and clap when Rachel and Eric entered the apartment, which warmed my heart.  Verna has a conversation with Rachel and brings up race, which I appreciated.  I love how Rachel has been willing to address that head on but not let it CONSUME her time as The Bachelorette. As she said, her journey shouldn't be any different than the previous 12 bachelorettes, though she admitted that she feels a lot of pressure to do right by the black community AND everybody else.  That's a lot of pressure.

The crew enjoys a lovely lunch with heartfelt toasts and sweet conversations.  Assorted family members were more than willing to have some pretty HEAVY conversations (Eric and his dad, Eric and his mom).  Eric and his mother's conversations was VERY revealing and it made me want to hug Kiddo Eric.  She claimed that she was distant and not there for him very much ON PURPOSE to toughen him up.  Ooof.  That seems like some unnecessary tough love.  Unsurprisingly, one of her first questions to Eric was asking him if he was ready to get dumped/OK with getting dumped.  Thanks for the vote of confidence, mom!

Rachel says goodbye to the family and to Eric, then heads to south to....

MIAMI, FL!

Wowie Zowie that intro to Miami was straight outta Miami Vice--the music, the graphics.  Rachel is looking great in a cute, flowy blouse and a GIANT umbrella (the kind that actually protect your hair--I have one of those umbrellas!) and Bryan rocks a red sorta ombre shirt that fades into grey, plus grey pants and it was too much grey.  She RUNS to him and he lifts her up, then she STRADDLES him which is a first this season and worries me.  They play dominoes with some local guys who are in fedoras (a look that is ONLY acceptable if you're a Floridian-Cuban retiree--NOT if you're a Brooklyn hipster--got that?) then walk to Calle Ocho and eat some local goodies.  They try to dance in a cigar rolling place and smash heads (ha!), then limp to the back patio to go over the family names.  Bryan ays that his father is softspoken and charming and his mother is supposedly the opposite (heh).  He describes her as a "fireball, ball of energy, sensitive" and WOW that sounds like a recipe for a person who pushes around and mistreats other people, but gets really upset when you say "hey, please stop mistreating me." This is going to be FUN!! We can only wonder why Bryan's ex-GF RAN SCREAMING from this family!  Before they hit the road, Bryan says "I just want to continue to make you smile--it's something I'm kind of obsessed with" and I OFFICIALLY HATE THIS GUY.  Blech.  These are just LINES and they feel so disingenuous!!

Rachel and Bryan arrive at the family home with flowers, gifts and are greeted by Bryan's mom, dad, sister (I think?) and other people?  Who cares--BRYAN IS HOME!!! Bryan's mom, Olga, immediately proposes a toast to Bryan, "the most precious thing I have in my life." Hoo boy, Olga, do you know that your husband and your other child can hear that??? Do you realize that?  Oh, you do and you only care about SONS because daughters are worthless and also, your own partner doesn't deserve your respect?  Cool, cool.   Also, now I can see why Bryan is SO FRIGGING CONFIDENT.  His mother has convinced him that he's a goddamn angel. As she gives this toast, she starts crying then chugs the drink for a while.  Move over, Jojo's mom chugging out of the champagne bottle--there's a new boozin' mama in town and it's Bryan's mom throwing back a shot!

This season, the role of "Jojo's Mother" will be played by "Bryan's Mother."

During the course of the visit, Olga says "my son is my life," and literally says to Rachel, "if he's happy, I'm happy--if not, I'll kill you," later calls Bryan "the love of my life." NO PRESSURE, RACH. JUST DO NOT GET IN THE WAY OF A MOTHER'S BURNING HOT LOVE FOR HER ONLY GODDAMN SON!!!  If I were Rachel, I would run as fast as I can.  But she doesn't! Instead, she listens to Bryan's sister badmouth Bryan's ex because that bitch had the nerve to try and get between Bryan and his mother.  WHAT AN IDIOT!! Doesn't she know that Bryan is dating his mother?  Or wait... what???

Rachel and Bryan escape the Mom Love Vortex and go outside to make out HARD beneath some BRIGHT lights that producers must have bought in.  Rachel says goodbye to Bryan and somehow isn't freaked out by his family.

Up next is Madison, WI where Rachel will meet Peter's family and ALL OF THEIR RECLINING COUCHES! Holy shit I didn't think it was possible to wedge THAT MANY crummy looking recliners (WITH CUPHOLDERS!) into a living room, but Peter's family is going for gold in that event!

"Mommy, where do overstuffed recliners come from?"
"Bernie + Phyl's, OF COURSE!"

But before the trip to Bernie & Phyl's (talk about a LOCAL joke!), Rachel and Peter wander around a farmer's market in downtown Madison and are tailed by excited teenagers videotaping the couple with their phones (did anyone else see that in a shot or two).  They buy flowers and the salesman is NOT having it, then they head to a restaurant to meet a few of Peter's besties.

Doesn't his look quietly say, "get that camera the fuck outta my face'? 

Oh I almost forgot! Peter says that "today will be a major step in Rachel and I's relationship" and he has done this a FEW TIMES this season. Goodness gracious doens't saying "I's" feel WEIRD to you, gap tooted Wisconsin??? It's fucking MYYYYYYY--Rachel's and MY relationship.  OK, rant over.

Rachel and The Guy Who Needs To Go Back to 5th Grade Language Arts Class head into a bar/restaurant and meet some of Peter's best friends (2 couples) then make a whole lotta jokes about people being black or white.




Soon it's time to head out to the super Americana town of Cottage Grove, WI where Peter's family lives.  As I mentioned before, their decorating style can best be described as "comfortable" or "Superbowl Sunday every day" and Rachel meets Peter's mother (rocking a hairstyle called the Original Kate Gosselin), his father, his bro and sister-in-law (whose hair color was effortlessly perfect), plus their 2 kids.  During Rachel's alone time with Peter's mother, Spiky Hair Mama Bear says that while Peter might not be ready for marriage or to make a proposal, he's definitely ready to commit and start a family.  HUH?  Like, are you talking Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell (companions forever, no need for a piece of paper) or are you saying that he's into kids, but can't be bogged down with a wife?  That statement was very odd and, frankly, I doubt Peter truly feels that way.

Rachel leaves and based on the previews from next week's episode, we know that Peter gets sent home at the end of next Monday's episode.  Not such a great job on the editing, Teach Bachelorette.

Up next is Aspen, CO for Rachel to meet Dean's father, stepmother, brothers, and sister.  Dean is rocking skin tight maroon sweatpants (WHAT WERE THOSE?), a grey hoodie sweatshirt thing, and some BIG, sparkly teeth (as always).  Rachel looks super cute and cuddly and they ride 4 wheelers, then head to the home where Dean's father (newly chosen name Paramroup) lives with his wife Santantar) and, in direct opposition to Peter's parents' house, there are ZERO couches.  Talk about a switcheroo!

Dean is anxious and self-conscious about his father's new life (he is now a Kundalini Yogi Sikh after decades spent as a breadwinning, typical American father figure) and he shows that by being unwilling to engage in some of it (not eating, repeatedly calling his dad "Pops" which I suspect his father dislikes).  The preview made it seem like his dad's a jerk and he's not, but he doesn't seem to have ANY sympathy for the fact that Dean lost his sweet mother at age 15 and felt completely abandoned and alone.  Ohh Dean--my heart goes out to you, buddy.  Honestly, between this and some of the issues brought up by Eric and family in Baltimore, I must give ABC major props for showcasing some REAL, true, candid family and societal issues.

In their alone time, Dean effectively asks his father to just ADMIT that he abandoned the family and essentially, just say sorry, say you fucked up--and his dad simply can't do it.  It was all very hard to watch.  They're both hurting and while Dean lost his MOTHER, which is brutal, Paramroup (or as he was probably called then, Steve or some shit) lost his partner/best friend/wife.  It's so tragic all around.  Dean's sister Sky tells Rachel that Dean was always the strong one and that he has been through so much.  Poor guy.  Man.

Later on, Rachel tries to talk by a fire with Paramroup and he abruptly exits, which I can completely understand.  Dredging up these emotions--in front of cameras especially--must be exhausting and you gotta set some boundaries.

Dean and Rachel make out on the floor (again--my hell--I HATE mattresses that are too low to the floor or being stuck sitting on the floor for too long) and Dean tell Rachel that he's falling in love with her.

At long last, everybody reports to Dallas, TX to get dressed up and potentially dumped.  Rachel sits down for a completely unnecessary conversation with Chris Harrison, then it's line-up time.

The guys are all dressed up and Rachel looks wonderful in a beaded gunmetal dress, sparkly grey/green eyeshadow, red lip (I would have gone with a light lip but to each her own), and a fun, beaded bracelet.  She's struggling from the start as she hands roses to...

-Bryan - ugh, Rachel, are you SURE you want to marry into a family where your mother-in-law will FOREVER be reminding you that she was there first?
-Eric - YES!! His family is so wonderful and it's been SO nice to watch him come out of his shell and gain confidence around Rachel.
-Peter - who is definitely going home next week (he's just too serious, practical)

Rachel walks Dean out and they chat beneath a GIANT painting of oversized hummingbirds quickly.  Dean seems angry and a bit upset, but Rachel responds that she's just not sure they are in the same place in life, which we all knew the moment the age of "26" flashed on the screen when Dean exited the limo on night number one!! Dean leaves with his head held high, though, saying that Rachel has some great guys in there and he hopes she finds what she's looking for.

Next week we had to SPAIN where, seemingly, we will see the last of Peter's salt and pepper hair and gapped toothed smile.  Then it's down to Bryan vs. Eric and, from the looks of it, Bryan does NOT do well with Mama Lindsay.  I can't wait to see how it all goes down!

Also, do you like to HEAR two hilarious comedians TALK about Bach??? Then listen to the latest episode of The Fantasy Suite right here.

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 7: My Very Late HOT TAKES

Hello!

As usual, I'll start with apologies because I'm late.  I'm gearing up for an album recording (Wed July 26th at The Duplex--all info on my website, www.selenacoppock.com) and it's a bit of a sprint right now.  This Monday I'll be watching live then recording The Fantasy Suite podcast with my wonderful pal Dava Krause, so I promise I'll do better!

This will be a quick post because Monday night's episode is old news and was quite predictable--the two guys who were sent home were the two guys who have inspired me to scream "HOW ARE THOSE BOZOS STILL HERE?" at my television repeatedly.

The remaining 6 guys and men fly across a cartoon map to Geneva, Switzerland--home of the United Nations, a big water spraying thing, lots of mountains and quaint buildings, and a giant, red chair.  The six boys roam the streets of Geneva with SUCH enthusiasm it felt like watching a boy band film some B roll of them being excited to be young and alive.

The guys sit around their hotel suite (after the requisite move of jumping on the bed WHICH MAKES ME CRAZ--people, have you never seen a fucking BED before? Get it together!) and Rachel arrives in all white and looking sharp.  She informs the guys that this week (the week before HOMETOWNS OMG OMG OMG) there will be three 1:1s and a group date.  She wastes no time on her first 1:1 and asks Bryan to head out with her.

We all know how this played out--they went to a watch store and did a Reverse Pretty Woman, with Rachel buying Bryan a VERY expensive watch and Bryan repaying her in sex (or at least, in an intense kiss inside the shop), then rode on a boat, had a picnic, ALL events while drinking.  That night they get dressed up (Rachel in another white ensemble and did you notice that she wore a TON of white throughout this episode) and over "dinner" (draaaanxxxx), Rachel tries to get a sense of Bryan's upbringing, childhood, family, but he deftly changes the subject to--how weird was this--Rachel's schoolgirl days.  It was bizarre.  There's something I don't like about him and some guys back in the hotel agree with me.  His complete confidence and suaveness since day 1 weird me out.  We'll see. He gets a rose so Rachel will definitely be visiting his crew in Miami.

Dean scores the next 1:1 date and wow how the mighty have fallen!  Dean, I hated you at the start of the season (too young, teeth too big and white), then I LOVED you (calling 'em like you see 'em, seeming perceptive) but now I hate you again (constantly laughing, never answering real questions).  The couples attends a Catholic mass in French, enjoys coffee hour, then wanders around Geneva and Dean claims it resembles Aspen, which makes me think that Dean has never been to Aspen.  Dean evades questions but finally over "dinner" Dean reveals that not only did his mother's death irreparably fracture his family, his father has become an "eccentric" so he's nervous to bring Rachel into that situation.  Yikes.  In past seasons, I think I recall there being a "hometown" visit that took place at the participant's apartment and was siblings coming over for dinner--am I remembering wrong?  From the previews it looks like Dean's father is INDEED an eccentric and now I feel bad for him because I'd imagine that the producers were LOVING the idea of getting footage of a bearded weirdo shut-in.  Yikes.  Dean gets a rose, so get ready for a peek into

Third 1:1 date goes to America's second father gap tooth (second to Rachel, of course), Peter.  They take a helicopter into the alps, ride on a dogsled (talk about snow to the FACE), then have a painful picnic in the frozen, windy tundra.  There had been teasers that Peter might say he's not ready to take Rachel home or he might opt out, but that was tricky editing and Peter's in it, but still VERY pragmatic and serious.  Peter gets a rose so soon we'll learn if everyone in his family also has a gap in their front teeth.

In between all these date we see THE MOST prompted, stilted conversations between the remaining guys.  Wow these guys are NOT actors.

The 1:1 is Adam, Matt, and Eric and FINALLY we say goodbye to Adam and Matt.  I suppose that some dead weight inevitably hangs around EVERY season, just by the nature of the show, but WOW these two had such DUMB LUCK to make it as far as they did.  They both seemed FINE, mind you, but not like they had any real, romantic connection with Rachel.

But how did it go down?

The crew hopped on a boat to France to sit outside a beautiful chateau and drink, freeze.  In her 1:1 time with Matt, Rachel told him that he reminds her of herself (sweet), cried a LOT, then put him in a car to drive home.  Oh man you got rejected in FRANCE but all your stuff is in SWITZERLAND! Ha! I hope you brought your passport on this date or else you'll be stuck in limbo at the Paris airport for the rest of your days, man!  He's very kind to Rachel as he leaves and now he can get back to his passion--working as a Burt Reynolds look-alike.

That night, Eric, Adam, and Rachel get all dressed up (Rachel in a black cape and beneath it a beautiful, sleeveless black dress with a neckline that resembles a necklace--so gorgeous) and sit down to a 3 person dinner like a class episode of ElimiDate.

Rachel's talk with Adam is light and fun, with Eric is mores serious and intense.  The producers give us a rare, very REAL moment on-screen, with Eric talking about his formative years in Baltimore and witnessing crime, poverty, broken homes, drug dealing, abuse, incarceration.  Props to the producers for not shying away from some heavy topics.

Rachel is torn and I said to my roommate, "she's going to pick the easy-breezy guy--Eric was too intense" but Rachel impressed me HUGELY when she went with Eric! Way to go, girl!  Her relationship with Adam just wasn't quite there--I just wasn't sure that SHE was ready to admit that.  Adam hops in a car and whines that if she had met Mama Jean and Papa Jean (do his parents truly have the same name? Or is it Jean and Gene?), she would have been sold on him.  But dude, Rachel is looking for a MAN to marry--not a set of in-laws to marry closer to.

So hometowns will be Bryan (bienvenidos a Miami!), Dean (do NOT join this guy's cult--seriously), Peter (I'm betting on some SERIOUS parents who created this SERIOUS guy), and Eric (Baltimore--will both of his parents show up?).  From the previews, it looks like Rachel's family is NOT going to fly to paradise in order to meet the final 2, but rather the final 2 will come to THEM (and it seems that Bryan will definitely be in that final 2).  I love that--they participate on their own terms.

See you next week!

I am crazy busy!! Bah!!!

Bachelorette friends!!

I didn't watch Rachel and the Boyz live last night because I had a storytelling show.  I have a standup show tonight, then the amazing variety show that I co-produce and co-host on Wednesday night, and possibly a date on Thursday (I always plan to be cancelled on, but who knows).  So I'll be late with my recap and I'm very sorry.

The next few weeks will be BONKERS as I'm on a ton of awesome shows and then on Wednesday July 26th I'm recording my first standup album!  Wheeeee!  So please bear with me, I love you all, Rachel rules, all that jazz.

Info about the album is here:



It will be a super fun night.  My wonderful pal Chelsea White will be hosting and my hilarious friend George Gordon will be performing, also.

Buy your tickets NOW to lock in the cheaper price!  Tickets to the 7:00 show can be purchased online here:

www.purplepass.com/coppock7pm

and tickets for the 9:30 show can be purchased here:

purplepass.com/coppock930pm

xoxo

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 6: Hours 3 and 4

How are we doing out there, Bachelor Nation?  Have you overdosed on Bach this week?  Watching FOUR HOURS of The Bachelorette, even split up over 2 days, is still A LOT.  Mama needs to see her friends/leave her house occasionally, ABC!

OK so I recapped Monday night's episode already (see previous post) and I ditched out somewhat abruptly AND I think I managed to misplaced my complete notes for that one (dammit, Coppock! What do we pay you for here on this 'ole blog? What's what--we don't PAY you?  You write these recaps for the love of the game (of love)? Wow that line makes us all cringe but, hey, back to work, kiddo!).

OK so who knows where I left off.  All I know is this--episode 6 kicks off with the infamous Bachelor/Bachelorette TWO on ONE which ALWAYS takes place in a CREEPY no man's land (on an island with a Voodoo sorceress last season, on a tropical island during boring Ben's season, in the straight up EMPTY woods during Jojo's season, in the Badlands during Chris "So I Became An Alleged Murderer" Soules's season) and this season is no different.  Professional wrestler and proud papa Kenny and professional gaslighter and freelance racist Lee are dropped into a rustic living room set that has been plopped in the Norwegian wilderness.  Oh and Rachel is there, also, but this isn't about Rachel.  This is about Lee attempting to control the situation but failing and Kenny trying to keep his cool while assuring Rachel that he did NOT rip Lee's tiny body out of a van.

Rachel has 1:1 conversations with each guy (while they all FREEZE) and she reassures Kenny that she knows he's sincere and she trusts him.  Kenny spends the conversation talking about their relationship and briefly touching on Lee drama.  Lee does the opposite and spends his short 1:1 time with Rachel whining that Kenny has called him a bitch (ha!) and a snake, tried to rip him from a van, and threatened to shit in his boots (HAHA!).  He tries to insinuate that Kenny has a temper, saying that Kenny only reveals his dark side when he drinks and I officially HATE Lee. I mean, I already did, but dude, don't try to act like Kenny has some chemical dependency issues and a temper that switches on when he's boozed up.  YOU are antagonizing him and you won't stop and he reacts. Blech. Thankfully, Rachel sees right through Lee and she tells him as much, saying that she doesn't trust him, she wishes him luck in the future, goodbye.  (Note: just before this, Kenny was CACKLING and successfully spooked Lee which was DELIGHTFUL to watch.)

Kenny drops some CHOICE WORDS and I love it.

"Hi, I'm Lee and I'm sitting like I'm all casual but in reality I'm very spooked AND I'm a bitch."

Rachel holds off on giving Kenny the rose, instead asking him if they can spend some alone time and talk more, and walks to the helicopter with him.  Kenny puts Rachel in the helicopter AND THEN MAKES HER SIT ALONE AND WAIT FOR HIM as he goes BACK to Lee to finish berating him.  Dude.  Come on.  You won--let's fly outta here for the standard dramatic Bachelorette exit!  Didn't you watch the helicopter exit when Olivia was left on a friggin' sand dune?  Time to bounce!

That night, Rachel and Kenny have a heart-to-heart, make out, and he scores the rose.

The guys are standing around as Lee's luggage is removed from the hotel suite and we hardly get ANY reaction out of them. COME ON, GUYS! Don't you know how to play to the camera? When the house pariah Kelsey (that Austin widow chick from Chris Soules's season) was sent home, the other gals literally were POPPING BOTTLES.

The next day it's rose ceremony time and Josiah is all smiles, exclaiming, "I FEEL GOOD" so we know he's about to be sent home.  Rachel arrives in a classic car wearing a phenomenal sparkly, silver dress that's floor length and has a major slit up the leg.  Her style is so disco 70s and it's THE BEST.  Will, Kenny, and Bryan already have roses.  Who does she pick this round?

-Dean (white guy who learns about race relations from Eric later this episode and just frigging LISTENS to Eric talk about the black experience, which was really refreshing to watch. It's not that hard! Just listen to people tell you about their expeirences!)
-Eric (black guy rocking black suit, green shirt)
-Peter (white guy wearing a dark suit and a SCARF that's there one moment, not there the next. Sweet continuity, Bachelorette producers!)
-Alex (white guy hot Russian dude who is JACKED)
-Adam (white guy who is still somehow here)
-Matt (another white guy who is still somehow here)

So who is going home?

ANTHONY and JOSIAH!!

Both guys hug Rachel and leave quickly.  I'm very sad to see Anthony go, as he is an old soul who has such a calm way about him and I really liked that.  Josiah just didn't ask Rachel enough questions about herself and even when she TOLD HIM, he didn't quite change course.  Good luck, buddy.

The remaining 9 guys and Rachel hop a plane to Copenhagen, Denmark where Eric gets a 1:1 and does SO well with Rachel.  They have a lovely day exploring Copenhagen and he inquires about her life, her likes, her family (nice), and then he opens up about HIS family (his mom, specifically), which was a tear jerker of a scene. Eric has definitely grown on me--now if he'd only sit up straight.  He scores a rose.

The next day is a group date for Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam and it's a SUPER FUN day of ROWING a Viking ship among other tourist men who appear to be in their 60s! Rock and roll! The crew lands on an island where 2 locals teach them "Viking Games" (brutal "games" that mostly involve shoving people out of a circle and wearing unflattering clothes).  Kenny and Adam are the best at said games, and their booby prize for that superiority is that they BOTH get to end up with bloody, busted eyes.  CONGRATS, GUYS!!!!

That night at the after party Rachel and Bryan get hot and heavy (he is definitely making it to hometown dates), Rachel tells Peter that she's his muse (weird), Matt informs Rachel that Kenny may be struggling, and finally Kenny talks to her about that.  Rachel shoots him straight, saying that there is potential between them, but she doesn't know FOR SURE, so she shouldn't keep him away from his daughter any longer.  Kenny and Rachel have a LOVELY hug and kiss goodbye--I haven't seen a breakup that amicable since an old beau Jack and I did a high 5 as our breakup (over the years I saw him again and began to hate, him, though, so it's not ALL peace and rainbows).  Peter gets the rose at the end of that date.

The next day is Rachel and Will's 1:1 date and try as he might NOT, Will just can't seem get a romantic dynamic going with Rachel.  He scarcely touches her--awkwardly standing next to her as though they are siblings on a family before one of them leaves for college.

Will's a fan of the 'ole "leave a few inches between you and your partner FOR THE LORD."

That night they get dressed up (Rachel in a black turtleneck, fuzzy grey sweater, tall boots, looking gorgeous as always) and she tries her damndest to crack Will, asking assorted questions, trying to get a sense of why he hardly touched her all day, what is going on here.  In response to her question, "what do you look for?" Will responds, "I've typically dated white girls" which is NOT the right answer there, buddy.  He then tries to backtrack saying, "mostly, not only" but dude, the question was WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR?  You could recite some personality traits, if nothing else.  Whatever you like, just DON'T lead with "what do I look for? Well, mostly not what you are," essentially.  She inquires about how he conducts himself within a relationship and, in so many words, he seems to say that he used to sleep around but he no longer does that (said he was very passionate in relationships, perhaps too passionate, too physical, so now he's pulling back).  So he claims to be passionate/physical, but hasn't been that way with Rachel AT ALL and also, he mostly dates white women. Hmmmm. Rachel wisely says that this just feels like they're hanging out in the friend zone, let's get our umbrellas and say "farvel" (goodbye in Danish).

It's time for the second rose ceremony of the episode and that's one too many rose ceremonies! I can't handle this!  Rachel quotes Shakespeare ("to thine own self be true") then gives out roses, but mama's just TOO DARN TIRED to mock every guy, one by one.  WHO HAVE I BECOME if I am too tired to do my LIFE'S WORK?

I know, I know.

Let's only point out the loser for a change of pace.

ALEX!!! Aka Eastern European/Commie Russian HOTTIE who had a man bun recently and has been jacked as hell always.  Sigh. He rocks a black suit, black shit, and pink tie, looking like a dude who is selling drugs in a Meatpacking District dance club.

So somehow, Adam and Matt are still in this thing while Peter, Eric, Bryan, and Dean are STRONG contenders.  My money is on Adam and Matt NOT making it to hometowns, but who knows? As Rachel told us, I guess we just gotta let her--and--lead the way!

You can listen to THE FANTASY SUITE, the amazing Bachelorette/Bachelor podcast where Dava Krause and I break it all down for you, right here.

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 5: 2 hours outta 4

PALZ!

Monday night was night 1 of a 2 night Bachelorette bender and we’re 2 hours down, 2 hours to go.  Phew.  I hate it when they double up on episodes this way (after a full day of work, I have another career to get to, Bachelor Producers! Or hell, maybe I want to hit the gym?) but I am at their mercy and a member of Bachelor Nation, so I tune in.

I must confess that I missed the first 30 minutes of Monday night’s episode, though.  I had a quick drinks date in the West Village (a first date is ALWAYS “a drink” or coffee—never give him more than 30 minutes of your time in case he turns out to be a weirdo ) and I got home at 8:30 BUT, recently my cable got all messed up (the apartment downstairs is being majorly renovated and they somehow disconnected all of our table/Wifi wires so a Time Warner technician had to come over, blah blah blah, boring story of the moronic crap that is everyday life) and all of our DVR settings were lost and I forgot that.  So I ZIPPED home from the West Village (well, traveled as fast as the MTA would take me), RAN to the bodega to buy some LaCroix (what else am I going to drink? Water like some kind of loser?), then got home and turned on the TV just as Jack Stone was being sent home.  Talk about tuning in at the LEAST SURPRISING moment in franchise history! I mean, how did this guy even make it this long?  I’m sure he’s nice and knows how to string a few words together, but dude was WAY out of his league here.  Bye bye, Jack Stone.

Then it’s Rose Ceremony prep time and, again, Rachel has pulled together a fantastic look: slinky black dress with a high cut thigh and that seam continues up, but is sealed with white flowers. I’m not doing it justice with this description, but it was sexy.  Also she rocked a very dark lip, bold eyes, hair down.  Because I was on my own date and missed some of the episode, I can only assume that I missed some standard tension in the house between Lee and Kenny, Iggy and everyone who isn’t a busybody tool. 

The men are done up and as they file into the rose ceremony (in South Carolina) Adam refers to Jack being sent home as a “wake up call.” REALLY? The guy who had NO SHOT from DAY ONE and was DEAD WEIGHT for 4 weeks is what makes you feel like, “oh man this is getting serious”? Ha.  To each his own, Adam (also, warning: YOU are dead weight, too. Ohhhh! Sick Burn, Me!).  Some dudes already have roses and I’m too lazy to look back at my recap from last week, but who scored them in this line-up?

-Eric (black guy, rocking a black suit and no tie, looking nice, also there were VERY few ties last night and I sorta liked it, I think?)

-Peter (white guy with the front tooth gap, grey-ish hair, dark suit and black shirt is fine, not amazing)

-Adam (white guy who arrived with a fucking MINI ME doll and I’ll never let him live it down. Also he appeared to be wearing a very casual chambray shirt beneath this grey suit—are you already running out of shirts, dude?)

-Will (black guy who is a CUTIE, nice black suit)

-Matt (white guy from CT who is a standout in a tie but still looks like he waxes his eyebrows a lil too much)

-Alex (built, white dude who is rocking a man bun because he has no access to a hairdresser, it seems)

Throughout this rose ceremony, we hear clips of Lee ripping on Kenny (“ballerina on steroids—I’ll pray for him”) and Kenny ripping on Lee (making a snake hand motion, “RIP Lee, let’s pour out a little liquor for Lee”).  Also with Lee’s attitude toward the black men in the house, you gotta wonder if he’s named after General Lee (and I’m talking about the actual leader of the Confederate Army, not the Dukes of Hazzard’s car).  But back to the roses…

-Josiah (black man lawyer who is playful and fun BUT later in the episode is taken down a notch)

-Anthony (black guy who is BUILT and rocking a patterned shirt, dark suit—great look)

-Kenny (black guy wrestler in light shirt, dark suit)

-Lee (white guy whose hair has more volume than EVEN MINE which is hard to pull off). 

So who is heading back to their hometowns to keep their mouths shut and probably be embarrassed when their local friends are like, “I have you in my Bachelorette pool as the WINNER!! Yessss! Can’t wait to hear about hometowns!”????

-Jonathan aka Tickle Monster who hugs Rachel goodbye and, in a grand finale of having ZERO sense of boundaries or bodily autonomy, he goes to hug Rachel goodbye and instead tickles her like crazy THEN makes a bunch of jokes about his “tickling hands.” Dude, that’s cute if your partner is into it, but you had BETTER make sure she’s OK with that. Hell, I don’t even TOUCH a person if I don’t know him or her.  I went on a date with a guy who gently touched the waitress to get her attention and I was just like, waaaah? No dice, dude. Motion to her, call for her, but you simply DO NOT TOUCH people who you don’t know. 

-Iggy who is looking handsome in a nice tan suit but he made that predictable mistake of focusing too much on house gossip, house dynamics and not enough on LOVE and RACHEL.  Bye, dude. I hope that in your next relationship you can focus on THE RELATIONSHIP. On his way out, Iggy say that he has learned more about himself in the last 4 weeks than he has in the previous 30 years which struck me as pretty sad. Has he NEVER been inspired to do a little bit of self-analysis? 

But enough of those boys—we’re whittling down the group, making a toast, and hopping on a plane to Oslo, Norway!!

It’s chilly in Oslo, Norway and Rachel rocks some great sweaters and scarves.  Since Bachelor Nation is a nation state within the boundaries of the United States of America, Bachelor producers give us a handy graphic of an AIRPLANE flying over the ATLANTIC OCEAN to NORWAY! MAPS! 

Rachel greets the guys at a local beer spot and scoops up Bryan (white dude sexy chiro) for a spontaneous 1:1 that will involve RIDING THE BUS!! Hell yes! Let’s do normal people date stuff and run some errands, ride the bus and deal with traffic, then maybe argue over whether we always go out with your friends or my friends!!  I want some reality in my reality TV!  Alas, The Bachelor won’t go THAT FAR, so instead Bryan and Rachel rappel down a 187 foot structure and make-out mid-rappel.  Rachel points out that 187 is the code for murder and the Bachelor producers are surprised to hear that, which surprised ME. Come on, guys! I don’t care how suburban and sheltered you are—didn’t you own the Dr. Dre masterwork THE CHRONIC at SOME POINT?

That night Bryan and Rachel are dressed up (Bryan in a shirt that doesn’t matter, Rachel in black pants and a black crop top with straps around her middle, it seemed, PLUS gold eyeshadow (YESSS), a big gold necklace or two, and awesome rings) and Rachel explains that in childhood/adolescence, her sister was the pretty one and she was the cool one, so she doesn’t quite know what to do with compliments and romatic attention from guys. 

RACHEL YOU ARE MY BESTIE!!  I relate to this SO hard.  I was SUCH an ugly duckling and such a little weirdo (pasty white, very skinny, VERY loud, very kookoo, wore a lot of HATS, ya know?) and it really became my own self-identity—I’m ugly.  Men don’t like me. Men ask me out as a joke—it’s not genuine attention. (Can you tell that I’m not seeing a therapist currently so instead I’m using this blog as therapy! Yikes! Thanks for reading! I’m spiraling!) Bryan reciprocates those sentiments, saying that he was a super thin, had acne, got no attention from girls, then closes with “I’m truly falling in love with you.”

WOA WOA WOA WE ARE 5 EPISODES IN!! This feels FAST to drop a bomb like that, doesn’t it?  Also, thanks for bearing with MY earlier bomb drop that I, like Bachelorette Rachel, don’t quite know what to do with male attention. 

I DIGRESS. 

Bryan and Rachel make out in front of a doorway that I can only assume is a pretty traditionally Norwegian doorway. 

Meanwhile the dudes at the house are reading the date card's message, "I'm looking for a guy who is good with his hands" which feels like a very subtle dig at Tickle Monster Jonathan (ha), and the group date crew will be Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Alex, Eric, Josiah.  This means that the 2:1 will be Kenny and Lee (OR COURSE IT WILL BE) and likely result in Lee being hospitalized in Norway (hey, THEY have universal healthcare, so reconstructing his face will be FINE.  Mama sees a brand new eyeball socket in your future, Lee!).

The group date activity is a day of HANDBALL, a traditional European game that's a combination of football, basketball, and water polo that the American boys will be playing while wearing wrestling singlets, for no reason at all.   It looks like a bizarro game of Messy Backyard to me (remember that gym class delight?) and Peter is very handsy, Adam's weirdo Mini Me doll watches from the stands, and Will is actually good at the game.  

At the house, Kenny speaks to his daughter and gets solid advice from Bryan (be the bigger man, don't let Lee make you look bad) while Lee lifts weights and "reads" (a coffee table book).

At the group date afterparty, Rachel rocks a SHORT leather skirt, TALL, thigh high boots (hello!), a loose sweater, and her hair down, nice and smooth. Will talks about a breakup and lessons he learned (he did nothing wrong, couldn't have prevented it and I said "AMEN!" So much of dating and romance is just timing and if you're in the right headspace at the same time as the other person. Fortunately, I never align on that, so I get to keep this girlish figure that's fueled purely by heartbreak!). Alex (Man Bun) reads Rachel a letter he wrote to her, Matt gives her some sort of lyrics stitched onto a piece of purple velvet (Prince lyrics, maybe?), then Josiah gets taken down a peg and I give Rachel SO MUCH CREDIT.  Josiah was saying how his dad saw his mom and knew right away that they'd get marriage and he claims that is how he feels about Rachel, but Rachel isn't lapping up that charm. She says that he doesn't ask her questions about herself--he doesn't seem curious ABOUT HER and OMG haven't we all dated those guys?  Guys who NEVER ask you ANYTHING about yourself then seem flummoxed as to why they know SO LITTLE about you.  It's exhausting.  Josiah recovers nicely, but he'd better start asking her some damn questions or he won't be around much longer.

After that, Peter and Rachel have a STEAMY conversation in a hot tub that resembles a path tub on the hotel patio.  In interview footage Peter says "I want to be sure that she and I's relationship" and I nearly took a baseball bat to my TV.  PETER!  I'S is not a a thing!! Goodness gracious did you attend middle school?  It's "her and my relationship."  Doesn't the word "I's" feel weird even coming off your tongue?  It should!  It's wrong!  And last week you spit out "disingenuine."  Get it together, Peter!

A while later, Rachel and Peter rejoin the group (and Rachel must have had a straightening iron on hand because her hair STILL looks amazing even though she was just in a steamy tub!) and Rachel hands the date rose to WILL!! ZING on your face, Peter!! Haaa!  She's just using you for your body and gapped front teeth!

MORE TO COME SOON....

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