Friday, July 14, 2017

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 7: My Very Late HOT TAKES


As usual, I'll start with apologies because I'm late.  I'm gearing up for an album recording (Wed July 26th at The Duplex--all info on my website, and it's a bit of a sprint right now.  This Monday I'll be watching live then recording The Fantasy Suite podcast with my wonderful pal Dava Krause, so I promise I'll do better!

This will be a quick post because Monday night's episode is old news and was quite predictable--the two guys who were sent home were the two guys who have inspired me to scream "HOW ARE THOSE BOZOS STILL HERE?" at my television repeatedly.

The remaining 6 guys and men fly across a cartoon map to Geneva, Switzerland--home of the United Nations, a big water spraying thing, lots of mountains and quaint buildings, and a giant, red chair.  The six boys roam the streets of Geneva with SUCH enthusiasm it felt like watching a boy band film some B roll of them being excited to be young and alive.

The guys sit around their hotel suite (after the requisite move of jumping on the bed WHICH MAKES ME CRAZ--people, have you never seen a fucking BED before? Get it together!) and Rachel arrives in all white and looking sharp.  She informs the guys that this week (the week before HOMETOWNS OMG OMG OMG) there will be three 1:1s and a group date.  She wastes no time on her first 1:1 and asks Bryan to head out with her.

We all know how this played out--they went to a watch store and did a Reverse Pretty Woman, with Rachel buying Bryan a VERY expensive watch and Bryan repaying her in sex (or at least, in an intense kiss inside the shop), then rode on a boat, had a picnic, ALL events while drinking.  That night they get dressed up (Rachel in another white ensemble and did you notice that she wore a TON of white throughout this episode) and over "dinner" (draaaanxxxx), Rachel tries to get a sense of Bryan's upbringing, childhood, family, but he deftly changes the subject to--how weird was this--Rachel's schoolgirl days.  It was bizarre.  There's something I don't like about him and some guys back in the hotel agree with me.  His complete confidence and suaveness since day 1 weird me out.  We'll see. He gets a rose so Rachel will definitely be visiting his crew in Miami.

Dean scores the next 1:1 date and wow how the mighty have fallen!  Dean, I hated you at the start of the season (too young, teeth too big and white), then I LOVED you (calling 'em like you see 'em, seeming perceptive) but now I hate you again (constantly laughing, never answering real questions).  The couples attends a Catholic mass in French, enjoys coffee hour, then wanders around Geneva and Dean claims it resembles Aspen, which makes me think that Dean has never been to Aspen.  Dean evades questions but finally over "dinner" Dean reveals that not only did his mother's death irreparably fracture his family, his father has become an "eccentric" so he's nervous to bring Rachel into that situation.  Yikes.  In past seasons, I think I recall there being a "hometown" visit that took place at the participant's apartment and was siblings coming over for dinner--am I remembering wrong?  From the previews it looks like Dean's father is INDEED an eccentric and now I feel bad for him because I'd imagine that the producers were LOVING the idea of getting footage of a bearded weirdo shut-in.  Yikes.  Dean gets a rose, so get ready for a peek into

Third 1:1 date goes to America's second father gap tooth (second to Rachel, of course), Peter.  They take a helicopter into the alps, ride on a dogsled (talk about snow to the FACE), then have a painful picnic in the frozen, windy tundra.  There had been teasers that Peter might say he's not ready to take Rachel home or he might opt out, but that was tricky editing and Peter's in it, but still VERY pragmatic and serious.  Peter gets a rose so soon we'll learn if everyone in his family also has a gap in their front teeth.

In between all these date we see THE MOST prompted, stilted conversations between the remaining guys.  Wow these guys are NOT actors.

The 1:1 is Adam, Matt, and Eric and FINALLY we say goodbye to Adam and Matt.  I suppose that some dead weight inevitably hangs around EVERY season, just by the nature of the show, but WOW these two had such DUMB LUCK to make it as far as they did.  They both seemed FINE, mind you, but not like they had any real, romantic connection with Rachel.

But how did it go down?

The crew hopped on a boat to France to sit outside a beautiful chateau and drink, freeze.  In her 1:1 time with Matt, Rachel told him that he reminds her of herself (sweet), cried a LOT, then put him in a car to drive home.  Oh man you got rejected in FRANCE but all your stuff is in SWITZERLAND! Ha! I hope you brought your passport on this date or else you'll be stuck in limbo at the Paris airport for the rest of your days, man!  He's very kind to Rachel as he leaves and now he can get back to his passion--working as a Burt Reynolds look-alike.

That night, Eric, Adam, and Rachel get all dressed up (Rachel in a black cape and beneath it a beautiful, sleeveless black dress with a neckline that resembles a necklace--so gorgeous) and sit down to a 3 person dinner like a class episode of ElimiDate.

Rachel's talk with Adam is light and fun, with Eric is mores serious and intense.  The producers give us a rare, very REAL moment on-screen, with Eric talking about his formative years in Baltimore and witnessing crime, poverty, broken homes, drug dealing, abuse, incarceration.  Props to the producers for not shying away from some heavy topics.

Rachel is torn and I said to my roommate, "she's going to pick the easy-breezy guy--Eric was too intense" but Rachel impressed me HUGELY when she went with Eric! Way to go, girl!  Her relationship with Adam just wasn't quite there--I just wasn't sure that SHE was ready to admit that.  Adam hops in a car and whines that if she had met Mama Jean and Papa Jean (do his parents truly have the same name? Or is it Jean and Gene?), she would have been sold on him.  But dude, Rachel is looking for a MAN to marry--not a set of in-laws to marry closer to.

So hometowns will be Bryan (bienvenidos a Miami!), Dean (do NOT join this guy's cult--seriously), Peter (I'm betting on some SERIOUS parents who created this SERIOUS guy), and Eric (Baltimore--will both of his parents show up?).  From the previews, it looks like Rachel's family is NOT going to fly to paradise in order to meet the final 2, but rather the final 2 will come to THEM (and it seems that Bryan will definitely be in that final 2).  I love that--they participate on their own terms.

See you next week!

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