Tonight at Stand Up NY

Hey hey,

Tonight I'll be at Stand Up NY (78th and B'way) performing in "Paws for a Cause," a fantastic fundraiser for Pets 4 Life. So if you love animals and laughter (and who doesn't, people!? Honestly, if you don't like at least one of those things, you're a psycho), come to Stand Up NY tonight. Good times!

White guys!

Hey, white men! As if you don't have enough opportunities already, here's another:
http://www.whatsplaying.com.au/2010/12/hollywood-insider-three-stooges-casting-call/

Boston! We're coming back!!

Great Cause!

Shows this week!

Look what we got, pussycats!

WEDNESDAY 11/17 at 8pm:



THURSDAY 11/18 at 7:15pm:



Then Friday I'm at Lincoln Lodge in Chicago!

Then Saturday I'm celebrating the wedding of my great friend Ginny. Life can't be all jokes, people :)

Busy fall!

Hello, pussycats!

It’s been a whirlwind few weeks with two weddings, a bunch of shows, some filming, and a lot of writing. I have lots more shows coming up and I need to buckle down and get this book proposal out the door. I haven’t procrastinated this much since college!

A few rad updates:

-On Wednesday I performed at Arlene’s Grocery in “Schtick or Treat,” the annual show produced/hosted by Mark Normand and Matt Ruby, which features tons of NYC comedians doing impressions of their favorite famous standups. I studied Kathy Griffin’s act and really came to love some of her stuff—her storytelling-style material, her pacing, her ability to punch a moment with just a tiny movement or expressions. And the fact that she often walks on stage with middle fingers blazing. A woman after my own heart. The amazing Mindy Tucker took fantastic photos of the whole night. Here are a few of me as Kathy:

-My weekly show, Connotation (at Luca Lounge on Ave B and 13^th Street) is still going strong. We have KILLER line-ups the next few weeks and I’m really fired up. Every Wednesday night free comedy at 8! Do it up!

-I was recently lead to an amazing book by a really interesting woman: the brilliant Pema Chodron. www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/
If you seek to learn how to slow down, let things go, be kind to yourself, meditate, and so much more, read some of her books. Truly amazing stuff that has helped me out a lot.

-I filmed a hilarious video for College Humor yesterday and has a blast doing it. I’ll post it once it’s live.

Happy Halloween!

An Open Letter to Kellie Pickler:

Hey Girl—congrats on your recent engagement and upcoming nuptials (yes, I read too much US Weekly). I’ve always admired your American Idol spunk, and your fierce blondeness. Plus, it was admirable how you dealt with the your absentee father who walked out on your family, then tried to weasel his way back into your life once your were famous (my reading isn’t limited to US Weekly, as you can tell. Star is also in my arena of garbage faux news mags). And while I’m admitting things that will send me farther into social pariah-status, I’ll say that I really dig your song “Didn’t You Know How Much I Love You” off your most recent album, “Kellie Pickler.” When you force a drawl on the line, “You made looooove to maaaaaay” it makes me laugh, but I can’t deny that I like the song. I just have one bone to pick, Pickler (I deserve a swift dome punch for that lame phrase)- the CD cover look. It’s ridiculous. I give you this:

Kellie! This is your sophomore album, not an invitation to your Super Sweet 16 party! Text in pink AND cursive!?!? Is just one of those things not sticky sweet enough so you had to have both? And what is that on your wrist? Are you wearing a SWEATBAND? Is it 1983? No—you weren’t even born then! I always appreciate a head of blonde hair, but your color is essentially white and completely uniform. You need to give that hair some more dimension with some low lights and different tones, please. I beg of you. It also looks like your hair is a bit brittle and is overprocessed. Invest in some deep conditioner STAT, girl. Finally, star bursts all over the place? If you could bedazzle that CD cover and glue on cubic zirconia gemstones, I bet you would.

New Flyer!

Wednesday is CONNOTATION

Pussycats!

On Wednesday night (holy crypes that is tomorrow) Luca Lounge (Ave B between 13th and 14th) will showcase a night of comedy the likes of which have not been seen since LAST Wednesday night. "Connotation" the best (and only) Wednesday night show at Luca Lounge, is officially launching. It's a kickoff, people. We had a "soft launch" (picture a tiny kitten falling into basket of pillows) a few weeks back to get things going, work out any kinks. Now Dan Cartwright Adam Cozens, and I (the 3 C's of comedy) are ready to get this shiz GOING (picture a lion being dropped into a basket of bricks-- huh?).

We may have cookies (if I feel motivated tonight after I get back from an appointment. Yes, I'm going to leave it ambiguous to keep you guessing, dear reader), we will definitely have beer (hell yeah!) and we may have a cameo from an ex-boyfriend of mine (seriously--he's a dollface and we're buddies now, despite the fact that I dumped him in 2003 and regretted it within minutes--now we're buddies and he'll be in NYC on business).

The line-up is rad:

Jay Welch (Comic Strip Live, NYU Library, wicked fakin smaat)
Jena Friedman (Bridgetown Comedy Festival, buddies with my sister's former boss, Jeff Garlin)
Christian Finnegan (Chapelle Show, has a siiiiiick new album out)
Ed Larson (Murderfist, has a wicked dope weave (jk about weave part-- it's all real))
Videos by Bobby Chicago (I met these guys when I was a wee lass just taking classes at UCB and they still crack me up everytime.)
Carrie Gravenson (Disruptive Influence Show and a hella good brunch host)

and your Connotation co-producers,
Adam Cozens (Sirius XM Radio, king of the "Beefy T" joke)
Dan Cartwright (The Check Spot Podcast and my part-time therapist)
Selena Coppock (McSweeney's and writer of this here blog)

8pm - drinks and listening to Dan Cartwright's iPod (he needs your validation)
8:30pm - show
Do it up!

A heartbreaker

Hey hey,

I know I said I'd talk about House of Pain, but I wanted to post something more important instead. This article from Gawker.com is beautifully written and heartbreaking.

It seems like there has been a barrage of news stories about gay teens lately, one more worrisome than the next. These kids are being bullied and tortured by their awful peers.

I'm not gay, but I know what it's like to hate high school and feel like there's no end in sight and no way out.

I was walking through the east village after a few beers the other night, and I found myself thinking about how much I love my life now. I live in a big city where nobody bats an eye (whatever you wear or do or how you look), I'm doing what I love, and I can choose to interact with people who make me happy and avoid jerks. I thought to myself, "Man-- I wish I could go back to 15 year old Selena and say, 'Hold on tight, kiddo-- it gets better, I promise. In just 15 years. JUST the length of time you're ALREADY been alive. Things will improve.'"

Ha. Well, at least it eventually does.

House of Pain

I was just doing some VERY important research online. Research that involves googling key words like, "House of Pain" and "Celtics" and "Shamrocks and Shenanigans." Pretty major stuff going on in my life these days, people. I stumbled upon an image that looks just like a poster from back in the late 1990s. Said poster hung over my bed when I was a teenager (before it was replaced by a stolen Route 95 highway sign stolen for me by a delightful gentleman caller). Said poster even made the move to college with me, too. Now THAT is House of Pain fandom. Looking at it now, it's a pretty creepy image. Worst of all, turns out the boys of House of Pain aren't even native Massholes! What the heeeeck!?



Is that not the most disgusting "poster" you have ever seen? It's three pasty, hungover white guys standing outside a door. This must have been taken in the same photo shoot as my original poster, because I remember DJ Lethal (my favorite of the trio) was in that hoodie. Do I get some street cred and/or validation of the fact that I have a photographic memory for pulling that one outta the deep recesses of my brain? Thanks.

Keeping with the House of Pain theme here, my next entries will be about two other HOP-related stories: (1) when my good buddy Connor (frequent reader, frequent commenter!) bought me a House of Pain bumper sticker, and its untimely demise; (2) my favorite Red Sox hat, autographed by the hottie himself, DJ Lethal.

Until then, I'm performing in Hoboken tonight (Busker's Bar), and I'll be wearing a bikini on stage at Comix tomorrow night. Long story.

I guess its cool to be recognized...?

During the day, I work as a book editor and I pick up lunch from a bodega/hot lunch counter/salad bar/deli counter place near my office. My company just moved offices, so I’ve only started visiting this one “amalgamation of foodstuffs” location recently. Last week I was in there and the cashier stares at me, then says, “Are you on TV?”

That COULD be cool, if my only TV “credit” weren’t that I was on an episode of “The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet” in which I was featured on screen with the label “Selena Coppock / Unlucky In Love.” Yeah, THAT is my only dalliance with television fame. Yikes. (Note: The episode was promoting a dating book written by a British author who talks about how you should date your “matched opposite” and note date a person like you. So they took some B roll footage of me walking in NYC and saying how much dating sucks, then he counseled me and basically told me to stop dating comedians. Perhaps someday I will take his advice.)

More recently, I was cast in a web commercial for a product called ShapeFX that competes with Spanx. They have Spanx-type products for a bunch of body troubles: thighs, tummy, arm flap, etc. Here is the commercial:

The 16 second version of my commercial was used preempt videos on PerezHilton.com for a week or so, so perhaps this lady had see it. It’s not inconceivable. So I said to her that I wasn’t on TV, but I had been on a web commercial, and perhaps she had seen that. She was like, “What for?” so I began explaining the product and the premise and that I was in the arm flap commercial. Pretty embarrassing to say that in a crowded bodega full of business men on their lunch breaks trying to get some grub. A light bulb went off in her head and she had seen it. OK. Fine. How about you ring up my Fresca and SmartFood and I get outta here, because this is a little bit embarrassing. We’re talking about arm flaps. Loudly.

Yesterday I went back into that same bodega and had her as a cashier. She greets me with “SPANX LADY!” and then starts flapping her arms around to expose the swinging arm flap of her untoned triceps, then points at me and I feel strangely obligated to swing my arm flaps, too. So I do.

I need to find a new lunch place.

The Town!

The Town opened last Friday, and you KNOW that I was at the cinema for opening night along with my fellow Masshole, Leah Dubie. We were both supposed to be dressed dressed in head-to-toe gear from Kickassachusetts, but guess who didn't hold up her end of the deal? I'll give you a hint: she DIDN'T win "Best Hair" in high school. That's right, little fockers, I was there in full Masshole regalia and Ms. Dubes was NOT. I even brought in some Neco Wafers-- how Mass is THAT!?

In honor of The Town's successful opening weekend, let's take a walk down Boston movie memory lane, shall we? Don't worry, this amble will end in a bar called Sully's, I promise. Here are some of the greatest hits and misses of Boston representations on the big screen. In chronological order because if there's one thing I love as much as lists and Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" (the full version with the rattlesnake sound in the beginning), it's chronology.

GOOD WILL HUNTING (1997)

The movie that (seemingly) started it all for Boston on the big screen. At least in the 1990s. I'm not going to count "Love Story" (1970) because it's about two Harvard kids who aren't Boston at all. No offense to all the smaaat kids from my high school who went to Harvard undergrad (6 out of a graduating class of 95 kids--how nuts is that? I felt like a special needs kid for going to a NESCAC school).
The one flaw that I have a hard time reconciling is when we see Will Hunting going HOME from Skylar's dorm (at Harvard) on a red line train on the T. It's fine so far-- yes, the red line goes from Harvard Square in Cambridge over to South Boston (Broadway and Andrew Sq stops. I've spent WAY too much time at the Andrew Square stop--that place used to be my JOINT!) The problem is the shot of Will above ground on the red line. The red line goes back above ground AFTER Andrew Square, which is beyond Will's stop. It looks nice, but Bostonians know that this makes no sense. I know, I'm being a nitpicky Masshole.


SOUTHIE (1998)

Not sure if you can make out the subtitle on the above poster, but the copy reads, "Southie: The Toughest Neighborhood in America." Yes! I love it. I own this movie and it's laughably bad. Killer cast, though-- Donnie Wahlberg (my favorite new kid), Rose McGowan, Anne Meara (before she was Steve's mom on Sex & the City), Amanda Peet, and Will Arnett! The only movie that might rival "Southie" in the number of times a character flips out and completely overreacts (but the actor thinks it's just "convincing acting") is "Showgirls." I love that it's filmed all over Southie, though-- the streets, the South Boston Yacht Club, that ghetto sketchy bowling alley on Broadway by the courthouse (incidentally, the courthouse that we see in the opening of "Good Will Hunting" when Will gets into his first scrape and Ben Affleck's character meets him with small Dunkin' Donuts coffees waiting in the car).


MONUMENT AVENUE (1998)

I must confess that I've never seen this one. I know, I know. And I call myself a Boston movie die-hard. I'll go do Catholic-style self-flaggelation for this error in judgment. Now THAT'S a Boston thing to do!

BOONDOCK SAINTS (1999)
I haven't seen this one and I don't have a poster for it. STOP JUDGING ME!

MYSTIC RIVER (2003)

When this one first came out, I assumed it was about Mystic, CT and somehow related to Mystic Pizza. What a naive little naif I was, huh!? Turns out this movie isn't about CT at all, it rules, and features another Wahlberg family member (there's a million of them in Boston), Robert Wahlberg. There are a few GLARING errors in this film, though:

(1) In the opening scene, the cops (Kevin Bacon and crew), who are townies from an amalgamation of Charlestown and South Boston (the author of "Mystic River," Dennis Lehane (who rules), has said that he didn't want to select one neighborhood in Boston and make it too specific), say that they are heading to the Cantab Lounge for a drink. The Cantab Lounge is in Central Square, Cambridge. I used to perform in that basement every Thursday night for years and while there were certainly cops (and mailmen) as regulars, they didn't schlep in from those waterfront neighborhoods. They were Cambridge locals and this was their watering hole. So while most Bostonians appreciated the screenwriter's attempt at local flavor with the Cantab name-drop, it's wholly unrealistic.

(2) Laurence Fishburn has a Boston accent. This is impossible. I don't make the rules, so don't blame me, but the Boston accent is a white phenomenon. Seriously. I don't know why, but black people, even if they spend the whole lives in Mattapan or Southie or Roxbury simply DO NOT get the Boston accent. The dialect coach on "Mystic River" was probably brought in from wherever and simply told ALL actors to start dropping their Rs and pronouncing "oo" as "aaaa" and that was that. Laurence Fisburn's character shouldn't have had an accent at all.

Speaking of bad accents, this takes us to...

THE DEPARTED (2006)

Don't get me wrong, I love this movie. Scorsese was filming all over Thomson Place back when I worked there and my co-workers and I wasted a hell of a lot of hours observing it all. Really interesting to see how it's done and the care that goes into every detail of every shot. But I have another accent issue and that is with Vera Farmiglia's character (Dr. Madolyn Madden, occupational psychiatrist) and the fact that she had any accent at all. At times her pronunciation sounded like a ham-fisted attempt at a Boston accent, at other times it bordered on Australian--she was all over the place. Much like Laurene Fisburn in "Mystic River," Farmiglia's character really didn't need an accent at all. Even if her back-story included an accent, but that point in her career, she probably would have deliberately dropped it (I know plenty of people who have done this). Robert Wahlberg is featured in this movie, too.

But man is the soundtrack to "The Departed" good stuff. A few years back, when I had first moved to NYC, I was back home in Boston for Thanksgiving. I was mugged on Newbury Street and I chased down the thief, knocked him off his bike, and got my purse back (one of the proudest moments of my life--seriously). I got in my car to drive home later that night and what was playing on the radio? A song from this soundtrack-- "Shipping Up To Boston" by the Dropkick Murphys. Seemed quite fitting.

A commercial I starred in-- Body Betrayal

Bachelor Pad Finale

Last night was many things: a gloomy, rainy Monday night, a night when I finally ate the lobster bisque that has been sitting in my kitchen for months, and a night of tight spandex and sequins, but not courtesy of “Dancing With The Stars.” It was the season finale of the Bachelor Pad, and ABC engaged in some shameless cross-promotion by having the three couples final competition be a ballroom dancing contest.

Like the section of “Dirty Dancing” when Baby and Johnny practice until they are sweaty & glistening (then Johnny plays “Cry To Me” on his record player, if my memory serves), the three couples were dancing hard and working up a sweat. Elizabeth resembled a yellowy orange ball of freckles and bad haircolor, plus she was super insecure (always a turn-on) and Kovacs looked stunned and scared. David and Natalie were intense and a little too candid about their nighttime activities. Tenley and Kiptyn were working hard and it showed at the competition.

The competition! ABC turned the driveway of the Bachelor Pad into a faux ballroom, complete with OTHER Bachelor rejects as judges. ABC’s shameless cross-promotion is criss-crossing the world like an early 90s child rap group in backwards pants. The “celebrity judges” were Melissa Rycroft, Jake “I Chose a Piece of White Trash As My Bride-To-Be Then Acted Stunned When She Turned Out To Be Trash” Pavelka, and Trista (who wrote the book on self-promotion and scoring free crap from network TV). They all give our scores that are across-the-board way too high, but I guess they’re just being nice and trying to boost their fellow reality TV show loser friends.

Kiptyn and Tenley go first and absolutely nail it, setting the bar VERY high. Up next we have Elizabeth and Kovacs, who are absolutely atrocious and literally forget part of their dance. Painful to watch. David and Natalie close it out, and aren’t horrible, but also mess up their dance. No surprise when Kiptyn and Tenley are declared the winners of the competition. Now they get to pick which couple will go with them to the final four. Note that we don’t know what the “final four” will be or if there is another competition or anything. So Kiptyn and Tenley don’t really know what traits would be good or bad in their fellow “final four” couple and are making a selection based on zero criteria. Weird.

They go with David and Natalie, for whatever reason. Elizabeth and Kovacs leave in separate limos and both feel that they didn’t win the money, but they each say they “won” a great relationship out of this whole thing. That sentiment lasts about as long as the commercial break, as the show then cuts to all of the former housemates in a studio and Elizabeth and Kovacs now HATE each other. Love is a fickle mistress—especially on reality TV.

Kiptyn and Tenley make a dramatic entrance, as do David and Natalie and everyone looks a bit too tan and done-up. Especially David. What happened, my favorite reality TV thug!? Now your hair is weird and flat and in your face, which makes you look a lot like Sam the Eagle (the blue bird muppet from Sesame Street), not the hot psycho I’ve had a crush on for years. You’ve changed, Hot Psycho.
We hear a lot of smack-talking out of everyone.
-Gia and Wes publicly make-out and he sings “Love Don’t Come Easy” (OF COURSE HE DOES! This guy is like a robot of bad, fake country music).
-Gwen admits her age (39) and David makes a joke about her “??” age listed on the show (ouch).
-Michelle says that she hates Tenley and won’t vote for her.
-Tenley responds with her standard sticky sweet schtick, which is REALLY tiresome.
-Krisily and Jessie both stare at David longingly.
-Wes continues to profess his love for Gia and it’s painfully obvious that he’s jockeying for a show about their relationship (no dice, kiddo).
-Elizabeth has returned to brunette, which looks MUCH better.
-Peyton’s hair looks like a blonde dream.
-Gia and Chris Harrison make a joke about fantasy suites that had me genuinely laughing. But perhaps it was the bottle of white wine that I was putting back.
-Weatherman continues his “I swear I’m hetero” ruse.

The housemates then vote on the couple who they want to win the money and David and Natalie win it. I thought that Kiptyn’s final plea that he would donate 20% of the winnings to charity would sway the votes his way, but somehow it didn’t. Somehow, David’s no-bullshit attitude and Natalie’s strategizing won them some fans, and their former housemates vote accordingly.

Then David and Natalie are lead to separate rooms, where they can decide to either KEEP or SHARE the $250,000 prize money. If they both pick SHARE, then they share the money. If one picks SHARE and the other picks KEEP, then the KEEP person gets all of the money. If they both pick KEEP, then the rejected housemates divide up the $250,000 prize. Interesting ending, but you know how it’s going to wrap up. David reveals that he has chosen SHARE. Natalie acts nervous and says, “You get your friends as far as you can get them, then you take care of yourself” or something cryptic like that. Then she reveals that she has also chosen SHARE (and was probably pushed by the producers to make it seem like she had chosen KEEP there for a split second). Everyone hugs and (inevitably) gets bronzer on their clothing from all that face-to-clothing contact.

Oh, sweet sweet Bachelor Pad. I will miss your somewhat tawdry spirit and hot thugs. What shall I do now on Monday nights? My favorite Total Body Conditioning class at NY Sports Club and then Intervention? Yeah, probably.

Quick Friday Note

Hey Pussycats!

Happy Friday. Ya know what’s just a few days away? Another wondrous episode of “Bachelor Pad” featuring (thankfully) more shots of Hot Psycho David’s abs than usual. Thank you, ABC.

In a shameless cross-promotional move, the Bachelor Pad is ending in a thrilling dance-off. Smells a lot like "Dancing With The Stars" huh? Also, like that weird contest in “Grease” when that random floozy-looking lady showed up to give Sandy a run for her money. And much like the video for “Beat It” which I, as a young child with a bowl cut living in Needham, MA, honestly believed was how real Los Angeles gangs settled problems. I was young and my two older sisters insisted that “Beat It” featured all REAL gang members in the video. Because that makes sense. Sure. You wouldn’t take dancers and dress them up as gang members. No way! You take REAL gang members (from opposing gangs) and try to teach them how to dance AND how to get along on-set. Totally logical.

But I digress. This week, the six remaining players in the Bachelor Pad (fake couple David & Natalie; sickly sweet couple Kiptyn & Tenley; Fatal Attraction couple Kovacs & Elizabeth) pull a “Dirty Dancing” (Sweaty dance rehearsals! This is your dance space, this is my dance space! Spaghetti Arms!) and train for a dance contest that will determine which couple is eliminated. At least I think that’s how it’s going to work. I was too distracted by the vision of the Hot Psycho in head-to-toe spandex to process exactly what rules are for this next episode. All I know is that Tenley’s psyched (remember when she danced for Jake back in the days of “The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love”?) and I have a feeling that Elizabeth’s implants will get in the way of her dancing. For real.

We’ll find out on Monday!

In the meantime, I’m in a show at 9pm tonight at the Village Lantern. Come on by! It’s free... I think. Whatever! Just live your life, wouldja? Stop kvetching to me about your finances! I’m not the boss of you!

I'm cutting weight for a show

Because I'm going to be in a spokesmodel competition. Such a thing can only spring from the brilliant mind of Danny Leary :)

Bachelor Pad: Episode 4

Monday night was all about backstabbing, shit-talking, and champagne… and that was just my day at the office! (Zing… barf… I have been reading too much Jean Teasdale.) “The Bachelor Pad” was drama-filled and there was even discussion of bad implants! NBC is on a slippery slope toward becoming FOX, minus the right wing crazies.

Wes and David got into an argument about who is being real and genuine and who isn’t. I gotta side with David on this one (and that’s not only because I think he’s crazy hot (literally, unstable and dope) and I love the tattoo on his tricep) because I agree that yeah, the whole premise of this show is (ultimately) deception and fakery, so let’s stop pretending we’re all BFFs, ya know? It’s especially ironic that WES, of all people, is advocating for honesty and no bullshit. THIS, from the guy who was on Jillian’s season of The Bachelorette solely for his fledgling music career, and had a live-in girlfriend back in Austin. You’ve really turned your pathetic reality TV life around, huh, Wes? Is a certain country singer suddenly SINGING a different tune (barf)?

The challenge this week is that everyone had to answer some pretty harsh questions (Who has the worse implants? Who will always be a bridesmaid, but never a bride? Who is the biggest jerk?) in front of everyone else. A recipe for drama and I love it! Especially the implants question. Man oh man, what has our society come to?

Natalie is ranked as “always a bridesmaid” and ends up crying over it. Elizabeth and Krisily are called out for bad implants, Gwen is the winner of “dumbest” (ouch), and Wes is crowned the biggest jerk in the house (though he seems dumbfounded by this ranking). Post-challenge we get lots of shots of ladies crying in corners. I guess it makes for good TV…? Somehow, Elizabeth’s shame at being called out for bad implants brings her and Kovacs closer together as a couple, which brings ME farther away from thinking that Kovacs is a cool guy. I guess it was sweet that he comforted her, but she’s been so manipulative with him this entire time that I can’t help but think that she played up her the tears because she’s notoriously opportunistic.

Tenley wins the challenge and gets a 1:1 date with Kiptyn as her prize. As they stand perched atop a mountain, about to go ziplining, there is a TON of talk about taking their relationship “to a higher level” (barf). Kiptyn finally opens up and they spend a night in the fantasy suite together.

Jesse B. wins the challenge and gets a 1:1 date with Peyton, where he reminds her that he’s wicked young by burping, poking her, and teasing her. Peyton is completely turned-off by this behavior and she rejects the fantasy suite option. Awww snap! Grow up, Jesse B!

Let’s get to the good part, shall we? Natalie and David are keeping their supposed “secret relationship” (that seems to be so secret that it’s not even happening) so hush-hush that Krisily is macking it to David and it’s pretty uncomfortable. But she won’t be in the house for long, so who really cares.

That’s right, pussycats—Krisily and Wes got the boot this time around.

What happened? Well, Wes is creepy and weird and everyone hates him, so there’s that. Krisily was on the chopping block along with Gwen, but Kiptyn pushed his buddies (hottie Kovacs & hottie David) to spare Gwen for this round, so Krisily was out. She wasn’t especially fun or friendly when they all first arrived, and it finally bit her in the ass. On a lighter note, her eye make up and hair looked FANTASTIC at the rose ceremony, so she should take some comfort in that. What’s $250,000 if you have bad hair? You know how it is.

Next week, the couples get even more intense and Melissa Rycroft (the creepy co-host whose only job is to hand out roses and wear ill-fitting dresses that are too fashion-forward for her to pull off) gets even skinnier. I can’t wait!

Bach Pad: Are we on episode 3 already!?

Amigos!

I just finished watching "The Bachelor Pad" and holy crypes, people be all about subtly alluding to causal humps in the fantasy suite, yo!

I'm sad to report that I missed the first 45 minutes of the show, so I didn't get to watch the game of adult spin-the-bottle or whatever creepy game of "Pass the Cold Sore" that they passed off as some sort of "challenge" in this episode. But it sounds like it was spicy and Krisily thought that she and "Hot Psycho" David had some chemistry, but apparently he thought he had more chemistry with Natalie (who is newly single).

I was at my favorite Total Body Conditioning class, if you must know. I've been slacking on gym time lately and I feel like crap. Today I got myself back in gear and seemed to travel back in time to my college days--I hit the gym hard, ate just fruit for lunch, and listened to the soundtrack to the movie "Go!" while remembering an old crush who tried to take me to see that movie. Sigh. But let's snap back to reality: late twenty-something Bach rejects are all living in a house in L.A. passing around STDs and this recap isn't going to write itself!

OK, so when I tuned in, the Hot Psycho (David) was in Vegas with Krisily, Nikki, and Natalie. He had to give a rose to someone so he picked the blonde (of course) and sent home the two brunettes, naturally (Ziiing!) As if struck by relationship lightning, as of the next morning, Natalie and David were a couple, though they want to keep it DL for strategic purposes.

Gia and Wes engage in nauseating flirtation that left me covered in dumb chills. Wes even serenaded her... with the SAME EXACT song that he sang to bachelorette Jillian just a few seasons back. Learn "Free Bird" or something, dude.

Meanwhile, Peyton gets to select three boys for a date and she picks Kovacs (aww snap Elizabeth is pissed!), Kiptyn (aww snap Tenley is pissed!), and Jesse B (aww snap, Natalie is pretending she's not pissed because she's in an overnight relationship with Hot Psycho, but we all know she's really crying on the inside). Nutso!

They go to a race track and drive, flirt, drink, eat Mexican food, and she gives Jesse B. a kiss and a rose. (I feel like I could very easily weave a reference to Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" into this paragraph, but I'm not going to. Why, you ask? Well, back in college I was an a cappella kid (SHUT IT! Girls who sing are hot!). I was a proud member of the Hamilton College HamilTONES (get it? Hell yeah!) and we had auditions each year, which was a long process. One year, this really creepy sociopath guy (who was later kicked out of Hamilton) came in and sang "Kiss From A Rose." He was actually pretty good, but his pitch-matching wasn't very strong (holy lame-o sentence, Selena!) and he generally gave us all the creeps. So we didn't take him, and he kinda ruined "Kiss From a Rose" for me.)

Whew!? Where was I!? Oh, Peyton and Jesse end up spending the night together, back at the mansion, but in a private bedroom (not the bunk room) which is almost grosser than any of the other fantasy suite situations.

Let's cut to the chase: Who gets the boot?

GIA and WEATHERMAN!

Weatherman was no surprise. If I were stuck living in a house with a bunch of dudes and all we could do was tan and drink poolside, I'd probably vote off the guys who were short and non-hot. Yes, I'm shallow. But dude-- that's all that you have to look at. Keep the poolside environment looking good, ya know?

Gia was a wild card, I must say. It came down to 3 votes to kick off Elizabeth (which Kovacs would secretly orchestrate if he had a brain in his head) and 3 to kick off Gia. So David was the tie-breaker and he kept Elizabeth out of allegiance to Kovacs.

Coming up next week: the crew has got to publicly answer mean questions about other people in the house. Niiiiice! This show gets more shameless by the day. I love it.

Fantastic article

About being childless by choice and how 95% of society has a problem with it and wants to talk to you about it. What the author describes is a conversation I have had SO many times.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/childless-by-choice

New Bachelor Pad tonight

Pussycats!

Last week I was derelict in my duty to report the goings-on in the whorehouse that is "The Bachelor Pad." I'm sorry, baby. On Friday night I was having a quiet night at home and I watched the episode from last week. Here is a quick run-down lest we forget the magical 2nd episode of this fledgling season:

-Krisily is becoming increasingly manipulative and crazy. Oh, and she had some organs removed and now she can't digest fat, so she won't participate in the pie eating contest. In classic "hot psycho" way, David Goode thinks this makes her a wimp. And I love him for it.

-Watching a pie eating contest is disgusting... especially when you're eating dinner while it's happening.

-Kiptyn's charm and good looks can make ladies (Nikki, specifically) do CRAZY things (such as, pull a total 180 on their "outsider" crew and vote off Craig M). Nikkie, gurl, I'm saying this woman-to-woman: you might want to ask the cameramen to NEVER shoot you from below. You can fake an OK jawline when you're shot from the same level or above, but from below, it's not pretty. I know how it works--everyone has his/her own issue. If I'm shot from the side, I look like the "before" photo from a rhinoplasty clinic. So I don't get shot from the side. See how that works?

-Gia is pretty, but people-- take it easy! This episode was like a love letter to Gia. Sure, she's cute, but the shape of her mouth reminds me of Jack Nicholson when he was the Riddler in Batman.

-Wes is a terrible person. Period. How is Gia falling for his bullshit confessions of love? Did she not see Jillian's season!? Get your head in the game, Gia! He's using you and your bizarro bad guy mouth!

-David and Jessie make out in the hot tub and it's a kiss of death, as she is promptly voted outta the house.

-Weatherman puts back some serious pie and reveals his crush on Gwen (age ??), reconfirming that he MUST be gay. He LOVES old ladies and drama.

-Craig M is voted off, which makes me somewhat glad, as his hair was too close to a preppy version of DJ Pauly D's sick weave.

-Elizabeth's brassy dye job and creepy manipulations are getting worse by the week. How does Kovacs tolerate her!?

-Jesse B ends his relationship with Natalie poolside. More singletons to swing & smooch!

I'm fired up for tonight's episode!

Crappy Jobs I've Had

Here's an entry from the 'ole blog archives.

It's summertime, and that makes me think back on all of the terrible summer jobs I had growing up. And terrible fall/winter/spring jobs, too. Let's take a walk down "Crappy Job Lane".

Bruegger's Bagel Bakery- I worked here in high school for a couple years. Those were some early Saturday mornings- especially when I had to walk to work in my fake Birkenstocks. Those shoes were horrific. I'm surprised that I'm even admitting that I owned a pair. Anyhoo- I actually sorta liked working there. The other kids were really nice & we were all such screw-ups it was hilarious. But dealing with cream cheese in LARGE quantities (buckets larger than paint buckets, filled with cream cheese) turned me off of cream cheese for a looong time. And I still won't eat Roast Beef after spending a few too many hours in the prep area separating portions of bloody, grody, roast beef. Oh and here's a doozy- for a long time Bruegger's Bagels had a NO TOASTING policy. No toasting at a bagel place!?!? Yeah- for about my first year there they had a serious no-toasting policy, insisting that people should eat fresh bagels that are still hot from the oven. That's all well & good, but what about the customer who comes in at 5pm and Juan hasn't cooked up a new batch of bagels in about 3 hours, so they want their rock-solid bagel toasted, huh? What about THEM!?

The Gap- Moving on up! From bloody, roast beef sandwiches to t-shirts & matching socks in section 1! Yes yes I worked at the Gap during my later years in H.S. and college breaks. My buddy Rob worked there, too, so that was rad- and most of the other employees were pretty cool. This one guy totally pulled a fast one on the Gap & hooked up all his high school "friends" with free clothes. He got busted during my time there- pretty funny stuff. One time I was in charge of the "scents" area, so I moved some of the soaps & bottles around a bit. The manager absolutely FREAKED on me. This is what I hate about Retail Manager people (and yeah, I'm making a blanket generalization, so get under it if you wanna stay warm): they take their pathetic retail jobs SOO seriously. This woman literally REAMED me out (in public) for changing the setup of the Scents area. She was like, "What are you thinking? Are you a display coordinator? No, you aren't." I wish I had quit mid-shift that day- but I saved my "the time I walked out on a job mid-shift" instead for Crate & Barrel in Chicago. You'll read about that one soon enough, kiddos.

The Town Pool- Yes, I languished in a shanty for an entire summer (the summer after freshman year in college, no less) peddling high-caloric treats to fat children at the town pool. Again, the co-workers were great, but the boom box set at KISS 108 all summer nearly drove me insane. That was the summer of Santana's "Smooth" and that crappy "All Star" song. Those were apparently the only 2 albums that KISS 108 owned that summer because we used to tally how many times per day we heard each. About 6, on average. I got some great stories out of that one, though. One time a kid crapped in the pool & his awkward British dad (or manny?) came over to the shanty and informed us of this e coli scare by saying, "There's a nugget in the pool." On a daily basis, swimmers would remark on how much it must suck for me to be trapped in a shanty all day. "Yup assholes- sure does. Enjoy your swim!" Another frequent occurrence was when a kid would buy a popsicle, walk away, and 2 feet away from the snack shanty he drop it, then come back to the window wanting another one for free. Umm- am I to blame for the fact that you are a Butterfinger?

white pants season!

Doing some standup in some sick, white bell bottoms. We are in the home stretch of white pants season, people! Wear 'em while you can!

The Bachelor Pad is here!

Like a deliberately romantic version of Real World vs. Road Rules, The Bachelor Pad burst on the scene last night and did not disappoint. Chris Harrison (and co-host Melissa what’s-her-name who got proposed do, then given the Heisman to in favor of the other chick who had been previously negged as well) rolled out the red carpet of the Bachelor mansion for the rejects from previous seasons. We got some great characters! The line-up includes:

Tenley – the Cuddlebug who got negged by Jake. Her bubbliness used to be cute, now it’s excessive. Take it easy, girl.

Jesse B – hot youngster with tats! What are you, a bike messenger OF LOVE?

Natalie – I don’t even know you and I already hate you! Only thing she’s got going for her: blonde hair.

David – THE HOT PSYCHO RETURNS! I am SOOO excited about the return of hot-blooded (hot blooded!) David Good. I’m ashamed to admit that I did some web research (light stalking) of our favorite tattooed thug after he was booted off the Bachelorette w/ Jillian.

Gwen – Age is listed as “??” and she’s from season 2. She seems sweet, but her presence in the Bachelor mansion is like the time I attended my sorority’s reunion party last winter. The girls were all super sweet, but frickin’ 22 to my 29. I felt like an old lady, so I had to pull an Irish goodbye (even though there were hot DU brothers heading to the bar. Times have changed, huh?)

Jessie S – Brunette girl. Quite forgettable, but hotter than her last time on TV.

Weatherman – This seems to be his name?? Apparently he and Craig M had some beef during the (just completed) Ali season of The Bachelorette. My gaydar went BERZERKER when this guy walked in. Does anyone believe the ruse that he’s straight?

Nikki – dark hair and an unfortunate double-chin. Girl, here’s a secret: go on a diet of coffee & cigarettes. You want proof it works? Check out my college photos sophomore year through senior year. Don’t you DARE pull out freshman year photos—that was back when I thought that eating white rice 3 meals/day would make me thin because, well, look at all those Ethiopians in those commercials in the 1980s. And how did I get into college????

Juan – He and Nikki apparently dated briefly. Drama! He’s still a total wimp. I hope David gives him another lecture about “man code.” (Swoon! Yes, sometimes I hate myself, too.)

Wes – refers to himself as “America’s favorite villain.” More like, the lamest thing to come outta Austin, TX and the only dude who can’t tan.

Krisily – Charlie season? Huh? Nice hair… for a brunette.

Elizabeth – Holy brassy hair! She looks like what happened to Brenda Walsh in that episode of 90210 when she tired to go from brunette to blonde AT HOME. Bad news. I remember her from Jake’s season—she was the middle-school-style dater who was obsessed with game-playing. Blech.

Jesse K – HOT! Apparently he and Elizabeth have hooked up on a Bachelor cruise (don’t even get me started on how pathetic THAT is).

Kiptyn – Hell yeah! I love that guy! Still lookin’ dope!

Ashley – Jake’s season. Brunette and obviously, quite forgettable, as I can’t remember anything about her.

Peyton – Blonde, cute, seems bland.

Michelle – crazypants from Jake’s season! Single White Female!

Gia – SO overrated! And apparently she has a boyfriend now??

Craig M – hair to rival Pauly D’s. Could it possibly be MORE obvious that he and the Weatherman hooked up during Ali’s bachelorette and Craig M is a self-hating gay man? Seriously, people! Wake up!

OK, let’s keep this quick for today. All these peepers will be living in a house (and sleeping on bunk beds in the same room) and competing against each other for $250,000.00. Each week there will be a competition and the winner gets a rose, then gets to ask 3 people onto a 3-on-1 date (CREEPY RATIO!) On said date, the 1 person will be permitted to give a rose to one of the three, ensuring his/her safety. So then when elimination comes around, both rose holders are safe and 1 girl is voted off and 1 guy is voted off (by their peers). Got it?

First challenge is a giant game of Twister and we are given a whole lotta booby shots. David reminds us that he has a sick body and nice tattoos. The final two players in the Twister game are Craig M and Jessie. They agree to take each other on the date if they win the challenge. Craig wins the challenge and gets some awkward attention from all the ladies that night. Michelle reminds us that she’s crazy when she rubs his arm awkwardly and sings, “Tomorrow is coming…” Huh? Everybody goes to bed and Tenley THINKS she hears Craig & Michelle kissing. Not sure where that came from, but the rumor is all over the house by breakfast and Michelle is PISSED. That night, Michelle confronts Tenley in the bathroom, slamming the door and calling her bleeped out words (woa ABC! Getting edgy!).

But back to the 3-on-1 date. Craig asks three ladies on the date—Jessie, Elizabeth (because she was yelling at him and he wants to change her opinion), and Gwen (to get to know her). Elizabeth is stuck in 6^th grade mode and needs every guy to worship her, which annoys me even more than her awful dye job.

Jesse (hot tat boy) and Natalie are apparently dating, as they kiss before bed, crash together, and spout off simple, moronic confessions of love in front of a fire.

David cracks me up when he says, “I’m just looking for love!” as a joke.

The date foursome hit the beach, then go to a concert. Elizabeth pulls out the manipulation cards like Ben Affleck playing poker (back when he was really into that) and Craig says that the only girl he’d kiss (of the three) is her. DUDES! STOP FALLING FOR GIRLS LIKE THIS, I BEG YOU! You say you hate game playing, then you fall for this crap left & right. Sigh. Craig gives a rose to Jessie, so they get a private concert by the Alex Band (BARF) while Gwen & Elizabeth head back to the mansion. The whole way, Elizabeth goes off on a diatribe about how she can’t believe that SHE wasn’t given the rose, apparently wholly unaware that GWEN JUST GOT NEGGED, TOO. Man oh man she sucks.

Krisily says that she wants to get rid of the big, hot guys because they are tough competition… and apparently she hates having fun and flirting with hot guys. Wait, did she go to bible camp with me in the early 90s?

Elizabeth plays Jesse like Nintendo (I know that’s a dated reference, but I was a teen in the 1990s! What do you want from me!? I wore a Coffee Bean lipstick!) and somehow manipulates him into apologizing and basically teaming up with her. Huh?

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Who do we lose?

Juan – he used Nikki on a Bachelor cruise, then tried to apologize during this episode, but it was SO obvious that he was just trying to save his own hyde.

Michelle – It came down to Krisilyn and Michelle at the end. Apparently, crazy outweighs bitchy.

Welcome to the Bachelor Pad!

Pussycats, if you know anything about me, you know that I have an intense love/hate relationship with ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” (and that I love almond paste, but who’s keeping track of my likes and dislikes, huh, stalkers?) Well, the genius network minds behind our beloved franchise have changed up the format FOR ONCE and next Monday they will be rolling out a new TV phenomenon, the likes of which have only been seen on the Road Rules vs. Real World Challenge. Yes, lovers, rejects from past seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” were picked to live in a house… (I bet you think I’m going to do the “Real World” opening credits, don’t you? SURPRISE! No dice, jerkwad) and compete for money, while inevitably engaging in Tom Foolery, hooliganism, and hookups. Heyo!

On Monday August 9th it kicks off and you can bet MONEY that I will be watching (unless I go watch my friend Heidi perform with the BTK band in the East Village, which is a definite possibility—so I might watch it on DVR, EITHER WAY! Gosh, could I catch a break from your judgmental eyes, imagined reader?)

I just went to the “Bachelor Pad” website (pathetic, I know) and some of our favorite losers are back. Gia, the “On The Wings of Love” reject who is rumored to be an escort; Wes, the Austin-based musician who made it through Jillian’s run on the Bachelor while keeping a girlfriend at home; Juan, the Jillian season reject total puss puss who is probably less masculine than I am; Cuddlebug Tenley from Jake’s season of The Bach; Crazypants Michelle from Jake’s bachelor season; and a few others. The most important member of the bachelor pad? HOT PSYCHO IS BACK! Yes, readers, crazy eyes hottie with a crazy temper, David, will be wowing us again with his lessons in “Man Code.” It’s going to be a great season! I’ll be recapping, so check back here regularly!

Hey Pussycats!

The 'ole blog is still under construction for now. I'm going to stick some archived pieces on here (once I figure out how to do so). Gotta upload my bad date stories, a few storytelling pieces, some pix--all sorts of fun stuff. In the meantime, hows about you come see me live!? Yay!

Wednesday / July 28 / 9:00pm / Ghandi, Is That You? / Lucky Jack’s (Orchard between Delancey & Rivington) / Free!
Great comedy show in the basement! Always fantastic line-ups!

Thursday / July 29 / 7:30pm / Comedy at Belleville Bistro (5th Ave and 5th Street, Park Slope, BK) / Free!
Standup, storytelling, who-knows-what! In the back room of beautiful Belleville!

Monday / Aug 2 / 8:00pm / Monday Rendez-Vous at Bar on A (Ave A and 11th St, NYC) / Free!
Jess Delfino, Myka Fox & Shane Webb put on a dope comedy night!

Wednesday / Aug 4 / 8pm free pizza, 8:30pm free comedy / Laughs at Luca Lounge (Ave B between 13th and 14th Streets) / Free!
MY SHOW! This is my baby, a show which I co-produce and co-host. If you come to nothing else in my life, come to this.

Sunday / Aug 8 / 9:00pm / Standup at ImprovBoston (Central Square, Cambridge, MA) / $5?
Co-produced by the super rad team of Dana Jay Bien and Maria Ciampa

Wednesday / Aug 11 / 9:30pm / Too Soon! At Parkside Lounge (Houston and Attorney, NYC) / Free!
Awesome show by my girl Laura Prangley. Dope comedy radness.

Monday / Aug 16 / 8:00pm / Perch Storytelling (365 5th Ave in Brooklyn) / Free!
A great storytelling show that is sure to rule. Theme: Breaking & Entering. Spicy!

Wednesday / Aug 18 / 8pm free pizza, 8:30pm free comedy / Laughs at Luca Lounge (Ave B between 13th and 14th Streets) / Free!
MY SHOW! This is my baby, a show which I co-produce and co-host. If you come to nothing else in my life, come to this.

Thursday / Aug 19 / 7:00pm / Parkside Lounge Comedy Show hosted by 2 fellow Hamilton alums!

Sunday / Aug 22 / St. Nicolas Park (135th and St. Nicolas Avenue) / Laughter in the Park
Free comedy in a park! How whack rad is that?

Friday / Sept 3/ The Velveeta Room / Austin, TX
Performing in the Out of Bounds Festival

Party Themes List

Here's a list I wrote that was just negged by McSweeney's. As I hold back tears of rejection and depression, enjoy my brilliance.

Less Successful Party Themes in the Style of Models & Bottles or Kegs & Eggs

By Selena Coppock

Shots & Femme Bots

Screwdrivers & Scuba Divers

Jack Daniels & Cocker Spaniels

Dewars Gin & Howard Zinn

Orangina & Vagina

Captain Morgan & Andrea Dworkin

Cheap Vodka & Franz Kafka

40 Oz. of Olde English & a professor of Olde English

Whiskey on the Rocks & the Chicago White Sox

Mad Dog 20/20 & the anchors of “20/20”

Inaugural post

Check out this new blog, lovers! Isn't it lovely!? Aint life grand? Are rhetorical questions annoying? I'll write more soon. But for now, just revel in the beauty of my new website!