Bachelorette Andi Recap Eps 3 + 4: I've Overdosed on Bach

Last night I burned through two, 2 hour episode of The Bachelorette, which is more time looking at Andi's myriad dresses than the duration of Lord of the Rings (though a good Bach franchise nickname would be Lord of the Rings -- Neil Lane diamond rings!).  I'm going to try to keep this 2 episode recap from going on too long.  Let's dive in!

Sunday's episode has Andi and the Boyz in Santa Barbara (home to my namesake, Selena McKinley! Contrary to popular belief, I was NOT named after the Latina Sensation!) where they'll have 2 one-on-one dates and a group date.

Nick (formerly "Nick V.") scores a date and Andi slowly "makes him a believer" (as she says repeatedly), though Andrew doubts that Nick "believes in the process." It's rich to hear a forgettable sleaze like Andrew trump the virtues of this "process."  Nick and Andi ride bikes around Santa Barbara, hike, drink wine, and bask in the evening light known as the "magic hour." (I went on a date with a filmmaker recently--can you tell? I'm droppin' JARGON like I dropped his ass after a few dates! If he's reading this, I'm just being playful! I'm not evil, I swear!)  Over dinner, Nick reveals that he was engaged once and the failure of that relationship took him down a peg. He mentions his theory on love (that there isn't one star-crossed love of a lifetime for each person, but rather that you pick the person you want to be with and you work through inevitable challenges as a team) and suddenly I don't want to mock his short pants so much anymore. Dude scores a rose.

Up next is a group date and the dudes think that they are going to be singing karaoke (what is this, The Bachelorette: Japan Edition? HONK!) but instead, they get private singing lessons from Boys II Men (those Motownphilly royalties aint what they used to be, huh?) then perform in a live concert!  Opera Man Bradley thinks he's got this group date in the bag, but unfortunately laying on the vibrato while singing "I'll Make Love To You" is the opposite of sexy.  The guys absolutely butcher the song as Boys II Men look on and wince.  I wish they had done a rendition of a deeper cut from Boys II Men--maybe some "Water Runs Dry" or "On Bended Knee" for the lovers?

At the after party Andi rocks a gorgeous, 1 shoulder pink dress and has some sweet moments with the guys.  She teases Cody (Macklemore on Roids), tells Marcus that her favorite color is black, which makes him smile mischeviously (can we cut it with the racial allusions?), and has an awkward conversation with Eric during which he basically asks her if he's special and she says no (in so many words).  She chats with master manipulator (and proud owner of 2 under bicep tattoos) Josh and the BS that he spews somehow charms Andi--he scores a rose.  (Andi girl, you're creating a monster!)

Up next JJ (the Pantsapreneur) gets a 1:1 and their "fun activity" is sitting through hours of hair and make-up to be made into old people, then walking around a park!  Apparently elderly people LOVE super short pants.  I hope that the Pantsapreneur took note!  That night they revert back to being late 20 somethings who are way too eager to get married and talk over wine.  JJ finally gets on my good side by sharing that he was bullied as a kid (stories of childhood sadness put you on the fast track to my heart) and calls himself a "quirky individual." Aww JJ, your self awareness is really endearing.  He wins a rose.

Oh, in the midst of all that, Ron (handsome dude, flying under the radar) gets a phone call that a good friend died and he leaves immediately.  Sorry, buddy, but props to you for jetting and not dragging out the exit.

Finally it's rose ceremony time Andi is looking amazing, as ever.  Andi and Eric are chatting alone when flowers from Nick are delivered to her ("I got cockblocked by a bouquet of flowers!" -Eric).  JJ and Josh confront Andrew about how he got the phone number off a restaurant hostess a few days after filming started and Andrew runs away like a chickenshit.  When he emerges from his hiding place, Andrew is reading to play the victim, calling JJ and Josh "low lifes"(sorry, low lives? What am I supposed to do with that?) and saying that he was simply handed her digits without asking (life is so hard when you're ridiculously good looking--or even when you're average looking, like Andrew).  Bachelor Nation, we have this season's villain, Andrew, and he didn't come here to make friends!

Line 'em up and knock 'em down cause it's rose ceremony time!  Nick, Josh, and JJ are safe.  What's the run down?
-Marcus (dude revealed some SICK abs this episode)
-Brian (basketball coach is authentic and sweet)
-Marquel (he's hilarious and dresses well)
-Tasos (sweet guy, but I don't see Andi connecting with him that well)
-Cody (Macklemore on Roids lives to see another week!)
-Patrick (slicked hair might want to develop a personality one of these days)
-Chris (Iowa farmer gets hotter by the episode--I don't care if he has a personality or not)
-Eric the Explorer (who strikes me as a bit naive)
-Dylan (Boston sweetie showed off a cute cross necklace this episode! Take me on a date to Kelly's Roast Beef, you Masshole Magic Man!)
-Andrew (you gotta keep the villain around to stir it up!)

So Brett the hairdresser (aka Poor Man's Jason Burke) and Bradley (Opera Man) are getting the boot.

Hold up, WE AINT DONE YET!  Chug some gatorade because we still have 2 more hours of BACH!

Now we're down to 13 dudes and 1 lucky Andi. They head east to Connecticut (specifically, the favorite touring stop of C list bands and reunion tours, the Mohegan Sun Casino) and Dylan gets the first 1:1.  Dylan and Andi board a steam train and finally get some private time as they travel along the Connecticut River.  Am I the only one who had flashbacks to Good Will Hunting (when Will sits in the window of the Red Line above ground) as we watched Dylan's unemotional countenance sit in front of the train window?

Oh Boston, how I love you and all your people.  Over dinner that night, Dylan reveals that his sister and brother both died from drugs within the past 4 years and speaks about it candidly. Andi is thrilled that Dylan finally opened up and gives him a rose while insisting it's not a pity rose.  I think it's not--it's a "dude you are HOT and you hail from the greatest state in the union" rose.


Up next is a basketball group date and Andi is rocking some cute high heeled sneakers (this trend is finally growing on me.  Sorry for ragging on it for so long, Laurel).  The guys play against WNBA players who cream them without even trying (hell yeah!), then play some five-on-five among themselves to have a better skills match.  Brian's basketball coaching skills pay off, as the Rosebuds win handily.  The 5 Hearts are sent home right after the game.  Sorry, Josh, Tasos, Chris, Patrick, and JJ.  Go get on the away game bus back to your room.  That night, Andi wears a rocker chic leather dress and chats with the guys.  Brian takes her back to the court and make a basket from center court, then doesn't lean in for a kiss (get a clue, kid!) and Eric continues to kvetch that it's too formal and he doesn't feel special anymore (and slowly reveal that perhaps his constant adventure travel is overcompensation for a lack of personality? Just a theory.)  Despite the fact that he has ZERO game, Brian gets a rose.

Marcus and Andi have a one-on-one date and by this point in the night, I was holding onto my sanity by a thread but those two crazy lovebirds were holding on tight because they were rappelling down the side of the Mohegan Sun Hotel & Casino!  What will these producers think of next?  Apparently nothing, since rappelling comes up every damn season!  They make it to the bottom (thanks to Marcus's paternalistic cries of "trust yourself" and "don't look down") then have dinner at an old inn where Marcus talks about the abrupt break up of his last relationship.  He gets a rose and they wander into a country concert where John Pardi croons while they dance and smooch on an elevated platform.  (If I were John Pardi, my go-to line would be "PARTY is my last name! Well, it's actually a homophone, but seriously I love to party!")

Finally it's cocktail party time and we're in the home stretch of this Bach night that is longer than The Wolf of Wall Street (minus the Quaaludes).  Andi's in a killer gold dress and the guys get to work, with Tasos pulling her aside, Brian finally getting the courage to kiss her, and Marquel cracking jokes.  Eric seeks alone time with Andi and says that he thinks they are "stalled" because SHE is holding back and not revealing herself (great work on the psychological projection, guy! Freud would be so proud!). He says that she is being a TV actress with a poker face, which prompts some pretty expressive faces from Andi as she rips into him then sends him home. It really seemed like he was needling her and only when she was upset did he claim that he was seeing "the real" Andi.  Dudes: If there is one thing that you can learn from that scene it is that you should NEVER claim to know a woman better than she knows herself. It's super manipulative, crummy, and insulting. Eric hops in a cab.

We don't get a rose ceremony after that scene, as I'm sure that Andi and the producers didn't want to have any further negativity in Eric's final episode.  I can't imagine how exhausting it must be to be at the center of the franchise and while Andi got pretty upset and angry at Eric, I think her reasoning was valid.  Overall, he seemed pretty obtuse.

So Tasos left without ceremony (rose or otherwise) and it wasn't a shocker--he and Andi never seemed to have much in common.  In the coming weeks we'll see Andi trim the fat (I'm looking at you, Patrick, Marquel, and Macklemore on Roids) and hone in on serious contenders.  Because ABC likes to keep us on our toes, next week there will be NO BACH (try to make it through by rolling around on a bed filled with print outs of my past Bach recaps) but we'll be back in 2 weeks with some international travel and, no doubt, footage of dudes in swimsuits.

Talk to you then, Bachelor Nation! #TeamDylan

Bachelorette Andi Recap - Ep 2: If Magic Mike Featured a Robot

The Bachelor and Bachelorette franchises have been preaching the gospel of heteronormativity since 2002, but on Monday night, Bachelor Nation was given the gayest episode on Bachelor history.  Craig the overeager loser commented on the majesty of former baseball player Josh's body three times, a posse of professional male strippers put on a raucous show for Andi's beaus, and Chris said, "I could kiss you right now" to a guy carrying the date card.  Is this The Bachelorette or a summer share in Provincetown?  

The episode opens with the 19 guys exploring the Bachelor mansion (who gets THAT excited about bunk beds?) then Chris arrives to map out the week's itinerary: 1 group date and 2 one-on-one dates.  Eric (the guy whose job is "Explorer") scores the first one-on-one date and Andi picks him up in a convertible, then they drive to the beach while Eric talks about camping with a witch doctor and driving a motorcycle across Africa.  We get it, buddy, you're well traveled.  Andi rocks a white bikini (the best bikini color of all time) and Eric shows off his body (nice) and gymnastic skills (a back tuck!).  A helicopter appears out of nowhere and whisks the couple away to a snow capped mountain where a snowboarding instructor is waiting for them.  Eric marvels at their move from sand to snow and continues reminding Andi that he travels ALL THE TIME.  Throughout the snowboarding portion both Eric and Andi adopt snowboarding vernacular, referring to this as an "epic date" multiple times.  That night they sip wine by a fire and Eric talks about almost dying while working as  journalist in Syria (a move that Chris Harrison might call "unprecedented" since Bach seasons seem to exist in a vacuum with no current events or talk of political unrest).  Eric scores a rose. 

The next day is a group date and the crew is Brian (youth basketball coach who came out the womb a youth basketball coach), Marquel (black & white cookie peddler), Bradley (Opera Man), Craig (Overexcited Loser), Brett (lamp carrying hairdresser), Patrick (slicked hair forgettable guy), Cody (who gets bigger and tanner by the day), Carl, Tasos, Josh, Marcus, Nick S, and America's Masshole sweetheart, Dylan.  Craig squeals that he loves Andi and he's officially the kind of guy who gets your number, then texts you 5 times that first night and you immediately regret talking to him.  

Andi and the boys gather in a nightclub for a male strip show (I'm telling you, this season is like Bach: Pride Week) then discoverer that they will be learning "male exotic dancing" and the auditions start NOW.  Marcus is a standout so he gets a solo dance, Nick the golf pro is a loser so he is assigned the Robot costume (a male stripper look on par with the time I saw a guy strip out of a Riddler costume at a bachelorette party in Vegas.  Cause nothing turns out the ladies quite like Batman villains!).  The rest of the guys are costumed as Army guys (nice!), Cowboys (ride 'em!) or Firemen (sorta awkward for Carl who works as a firefighter in real life. Talk about taking your work home with you!).  Andi's gal pals show up and they are ladies from the last season of The Bachelor (cause who needs REAL friends?): Kelly (super opinionated girl who was forced to dress up as a dog last season) and Sharleen (classiest girl in the world who walked out on Johnny Pabs).  The strip show is hilarious and it's all for charity, so even a good Catholic boy like Brian the youth basketball coach can strip with a clear conscience. 

At the after party Andi is wearing a killer, low cut black dress and smokey eyes.  Craig is ready to drink ("can we do a cheers so I can have a drink of this?") and proceeds to get sloppy, sweaty drunk as Andi converses with the non-booze hound guys.  Josh plays up his pro sports past while insisting he's more than just his pro sports past (this guy is Kenny Powers with waxed eyebrows) then Bradley serenades Andi with an opera song by the fire and somehow she doesn't get dumb chills. Eventually Craig gets some regrettable face time with Andi and it's hard to watch.  He's sweaty and sloppy and kicks off the conversation by asking our bachelorette, "what's the worst thing about your parents?" Is this a date on The Bachelorette or at a middle school dance?  He then proceeds to jump in the pool fully clothed (later accompanied his loser robot friend Nick) and is finally isolated by Bachelorette producers.  This prompts a crisis of faith in Andi that makes for a great storyline and prompts the age old (in reality TV years) question, who's here for the right reasons?  Marcus's solo strip show pays off, as he scores a rose. 

The next day Chris (Iowa farmer who is a cornfed hunk) has a 1:1 date with Andi and they watch horse racing at the Santa Anita Park.  Andi looks amazing in a retro glam dress, cat eye liquid liner, and bold lip and Chris picks out a super cute suit and bow tie.  They place bets, talk about marriage in the VIP suite with a long married elderly couple who just happen to be there, and drop far too many metaphors about winning the game of love.  That evening Chris opens up about being engaged years before and how much he adores Andi.  This guy doesn't have a false bone in his body and his genuine candor is refreshing and sweet.  He scores a rose, but there's another surprise!  A  watered down Mumford & Sons called This Wild Life performs a private concert for Chris & Andi while they dance and make out on a tiny platform.  The music is extremely awkward for the situation, asking "am I mean to be alone?" as Andi and Chris try to shout over it.  

Finally, it's cocktail party time and Andi is rocking yet another fantastic dress like a brunette version of Elvira Hancock from Scarface.  The guys pull out all the stops to bond with her: a puppet show (seriously, what?), some plate breaking (is that your hobby?), and even a sweet fake date card situation cooked up by Nick V. (known last episode only by his short pants).  Marquel's affinity for patterned shirts and ties is spiraling out of control and Josh does an elaborate monologue in which he purports to be love struck by Andi, but I think he's just manipulating her. Craig (Overexcited Loser) attempts to redeem himself by serenading Andi with an acoustic guitar number and song asking her to "please let me stay." Guy, if you're interested in Andi, maybe phrase it as "please let me be with you" not just "please let me stay here in these cool bunk beds with all my pals and The Total Package aka Josh!"  Dude is straight up dumb. 

Before we know it, judgement time has come!  Explorer Eric, solo stripper Marcus, and Farmer Chris already have roses, so they are safe.  Who's hearing the sweet sound of his own name? 

-Ron (seems low key and he's playing his cards right, obviously) 

-Dylan (heck yeah! He's a slow burn but it will pay off in the end!) 

-JJ (the Pantsapreneur is still in the game, despite being an effeminate loser who called himself a "Pantapreneur") 

-Marquel (looks like Andi digs a guy in mismatched patterns) 

-Andrew (didn't have any dates this week and is highly forgettable) 

-Tasos (he's got some smooth dance moves, perhaps too smooth) 

-Josh (I don't believe a word out of this guy's mouth. Nice pink tie, buddy)

-Cody (aka Macklemore on Roids)

-Nick V. (guy who seemed like a nerd at first but has turned out to be pretty great. Wait, is that how guys work?) 

-Patrick (slicked hair will slip outta here in a few weeks, I bet) 

-Brian (basketball coach is almost as earnest as Chris) 

-Brett (somehow the mulleted hairdresser is still in the game—he'll be back at his hometown SuperCuts within weeks) 

-Bradley (Opera Man should see about doing something to win Andi other than constantly singing opera) 

So who walking out of the Bachelor Manse and into a long line of Bach Rejects?  

Carl the fireman who lasted just long enough to do something that he'll never live down back at the firehouse. 

Nick S., who Andi dressed up as a friggin' robot in the stripper group date, so we know she hated him from early on. Also, I'm sure Nick V. is thrilled since now he can become the lone Nick in the house. V for Victory! 

And finally, unsurprisingly Craig, who Andi was much too sweet and generous toward as he was leaving.  

Next week, ABC is giving you a double dose of Bach (I think I may overdose) with 2 hours on Sunday night and 2 hours on Monday night.  What's in store? Andi in a grey wig, a Boys II Men concert, and—of course—drama!  

Townie Martian 4 - Last Comic Standing Edition

Here's what I did over the weekend.

A new season of The Bachelorette! Andi the Ombre DA is back!

On Monday night, a new season of The Bachelorette kicked off and we learned a lot about our intrepid gal about town, Andi.  We learned that she is NOT attracted to dudes who resemble the mother from The Wonder Years.  Sorry, Jason & Camps.

My full recap can be found here.  Yes, amigos, I'm writing recaps for Huffington Post Entertainment again this season and I'm fired up!

This guy (above) calls himself "Camps"

 and this guy is Jason, an ER doctor from Wisconsin.  What are they chances that producers would cast not one but TWO dudes who resemble Mrs. Arnold? It's a miracle/nightmare!

My Writing Process: The Blog Tour

Amigos!

It's been a while, eh?  My sincere apologies for that.  Once the last season of The Bachelor ended, I just needed a moment, ya know?  But last week was a big one: It saw both my bookaversary (yes, The New Rules for Blondes rocked the literary world exactly a year ago on 4/23) and my birthday!  Too much fun!  I'll be writing a post about my experiences with selling my book soon, but first I have a super cool project going on.

My friend and fellow storyteller and writer Julie Threlkeld asked me to participate in a blog-based "row row row your boat" (her brilliant analogy) of writers writing about how they write.  She tagged me on her wonderful blog and now it's my turn to answer these questions here on this blog, then tag a few other writers whose process interests me.  Very jazzy, huh?

What am I working on?
Oh gosh this is hard and I'm only on question #1!  I'll admit that after my book came out, I was a bit burned and tired from cranking out all those words.  I redirected my focus back to standup and storytelling, where it has remained for about 8 months now.  I'm working on a lot of new standup material and a few new stories. I recently went through a few passes on an essay that I then submitted to the Modern Love column in the NYTimes.  It's a longshot, but I love that column and the story I pitched is a storytelling piece that audiences tend to like, so I'm hopeful.  I'm also planning on filming a few web videos soon, so I've been banging out some short scripts.

How does my work differ from others of its genre?
Well, if by "my work" we mean my book (which is what I'll decide it means, since I get to be the decider here, don't I? It's my friggin' blog!), then I'd say that it's different from others of its genre (humor, essays, memoirs, chick lit) because my attitude and tone is quite unique.  My brain is crammed full of pop culture idiocy (which takes up space and disables me from recalling important stuff, like where I just left my wine glass) that I shared within my book, often as footnotes.  My own father remarked on how many strange tidbits I included in my book and it was a very conscious choice.  As a standup, you can't help but cram your writing chock full of punchlines and I truly felt like I was "punching up" my book every time I'd do some rewrites.  Also, I think that my essays are emotional, gutsy, and unpredictable, which makes me quite different from my contemporaries.  

Why do I write what I do?
Well, I got my book deal based on my funny recaps of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette that an editor saw and liked, so I have a soft spot for silly TV recaps.  That format (of a short essay) is very enjoyable for me because it's so short and light--I can write silly pop culture-based recaps for DAYS.  My book was a lot of work--to crank out 70,000 words about blondeness without being too redundant or cliche.  But that was also an amazing experience--to test myself and see that I could do it.  The personal essay is another thing that I love and it dovetails with my storytelling brilliantly.  Whenever I beat out a story to prepare it for a storytelling show, I'm hoping that the audience will enjoy the story and then, if they do, I gain confidence in the piece and I'll flesh it out to be a personal essay.

How does my writing process work?
I'm a consummate standup, which means I'm forever jotting down ideas when I'm out and about.  My joke notebook is almost always in my purse, since you simply never know when you'll be struck by inspiration or an idea.  When I was writing my book, my writing process was quite rigid and it needed to be.  I work full time and perform standup and storytelling most nights, so I had to reserve weekends for writing the book.  My friends joke that I disappeared for 8 months and they're right!  During those 8 months I barely drank and I spent all day Saturday and Sunday mostly in my bedroom writing on my crummy laptop.  I'd put back a lot of coffee and liquids and sometimes put on Arcade Fire in the background (not sure why, but Arcade Fire was always my go-to band when writing).  In the late afternoon if it was nice out, I'd let myself go for a run in the park and often during those runs, an idea would become unstuck or a funny idea would present itself.  Then I'd come back and write some more.  I must pat myself on the back for how focused I was--I look back on it and almost can't believe that I sold and wrote a book while working full time and performing most nights.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it!

Up next...

Mindy Raf is a brilliant author, singer, songwriter, comedian, character actress, and a lovely gal who I'm proud to call my friend.  Her debut book The Symptoms of My Insanity (Dial/Penguin) came out just before mine did, so we're like first book sisters-in-arms.  The Symptoms of My Insanity is a charming, funny, relatable YA book with a narrator who you can't help but love.  She'll be doing the Writing Process Blog Tour on her great blog next week or so.

Then after that will be another pal...

Katrin Hier is a writer, actress, comedian, and aspiring novelist based in NYC.  She has been featured in New York Magazine and her writing has been published on The Impersonals, The Frisky, and elsewhere.  In addition, her hilarious tweets have been featured in The Huffington Post. You can find her blog here.

Bachelor Finale Recap

My recap of the finale of Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor, plus After the Final Rose is live over on the Huffington Post blog.  Check it out here.

... and I'm spent.

Bachelor Finale!

Tonight is the finale of Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor.  I can hardly wait.  Will he choose Clare? Will he choose Nikki?  Who knows!?  My recap will be over on Huffington Post tomorrow.  In the meantime, here's a fun video that I made for Disqus that encapsulates every comment thread about The Bachelor ever.  Feast your eyes on my sweet wig collection.