Bachelor Arie Ep 5: Bowlin', Jet Skiin' 'n Straddlin'

OK, by now you MUST know the horrifying reality that the episode that I preemptively nicknamed "Robe-Gate" and thought would showcase the departure of Krystal was NOT quite as drama-filled as Bachelor Nation has hoped!  Somehow Krystal is still with us!  And she's going to Paris with the gang, even though Arie seems to LOATHE her at this point.  But I am getting ahead of myself.

This episode took place in the proverbial genital wart clinging to the metaphorical penis of America--Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The sun is bright but snooze Bach Arie aint getting any color because he appears to be coated in SPF 100 and then dipped in bronzer as he cruises the streets in a corny convertible.  

Meanwhile, the remaining gals (Kendall the TryTooHard Quirky one, Baby Rizzo, and the Pink Ladies) are exploring Floridon't (I AM ON FIRE!!! I THINK IT IS BECAUSE I JUST STUFFED MY FAT FACE IN A QUICHE) and settling into their suite in the W Hotel.  

Arie arrives in a bland, navy blue T-shirt, drab blue shorts, and TAN TOMS. OK I appreciate that Toms Shoes are like, "for every pair of shoes you buy, we'll give a pair of unflattering monster shoes to someone who will accept ANY type of shoe they can get" and I suppose that is nice but we all need to get real about the fact that these Toms slip-ons are UGLY. It is a scientific fact. And the tan/beige ones at THE UGLIEST. You all know how I feel about white people wearing white people flesh tone (MY EYES BLEED) so take THAT hatred and combine it with a hatred for flats (well, MY hatred for flats on ME) and you have, well, a recipe for disaster. 

I need to calm myself down here, so suffice to say: Arie looks like dog shit.  He surprises Chelsea (as surprised as you can pretend to be when you are obviously dressed and done up FOR the date) and whisks her away for a 1:1 that takes place on a yacht.  The yacht is HUGE and even though Chelsea claims that she is "essssstatic about it" (no C in sight in that word), she immediately negs Arie by saying that if she had a choice to be on a boat (huh? Had a choice? Are you living in Overboard? Or wait, that was kidnapped FROM a boat into a CABIN but you get it), SHE would prefer a smaller boat.  Cool move, lady! A few of the other gals observe the pair from a giant telescope (how does a telescope KEEP showing up this season?) and Lauren B. reports that they are "Titanic-ing" which is the greatest gerund of all time. Oh also, Maquel is back from her grandmother's funeral and she must have done the drive through funeral because that was QUICK.  

NO THANK YOU

Arie and Chelsea sip champagne and then move from a yacht to a jet ski (talk about riches to rags) where Chelsea straddles the ugliest Bachelor in franchise history. 

She says that she wants Arie to think of her as more than a mom so she straddles him, but lemme tell ya, Chelsea, moms can straddle, too.  How do you think they became moms? (Shout out to all my mom friends out there--I hope that my Chelsea coverage hasn't seemed anti-mom--I am super pro-mom, just anti-holier-than-thou martyr Chelsea).  Chelsea says, "this is a dream boat... and I'm also with a dreamboat" and I could barely hold in my quiche (I HAVE BEEN EATING QUICHE FOR 10 DAYS STRAIGHT. #QUICHELIFE).  

That night over a red wine dinner in a car museum, Chelsea reveals that when she was 20, she married a much older man for his money, essentially, and he left her when their son was 6 months.  Ouch.  I hope that she gets good child support and alimony money out of her ex husband and I think she does because her hair is FANTASTIC--cut, color, style.  Also, while I find Chelsea to be somewhat boring, I like her taste in clothing and she's beautiful.  Her black low-cut jumpsuit look that night was fierce and Arie looked meh as always. The thing is, try as Chelsea might, she and Arie simply don't seem to have a ton of natural chemistry.  Everything she says feels like a lame intro line on the Real Housewives. I mean, Chelsea literally said, "I feel like I have the least I've ever had--but I feel like I have everything." Come on, girl. Is that a motivational quote you found on Pinterest?

Arie gives Chelsea a rose and they walk into another room where a D list faux country singer is crooning. Standard Bachelor date finale.

The next day is Baby Rizzo's dream date, BOWLING!! The crew on this group date is Maquel (who came back from the funeral with a face full of contouring make-up and highlighter), Krystal (this season's Vienna), Becca (brunette chick who seem scool), Bekah (Baby Rizzo who is able to tangle with bitches without losing her cool and I respect it), Jenna (blonde girl who seems FUN and DUUUUMB), Sienne (dark haired girl who seems FUN and SMART), Marikh (still no personality in sight!), Jacqueline (who?), and poker faced girl next door, Lauren B.

The crew rolls into a bowling alley (AYYYYOOOOOOO) and start putting back beers, bowling, and talking shit in a way that gives me dumb chills/secondhand embarrassment. After a few rounds of bowling for enjoyment, it's time for bowling for COMPETITION and the prize is that the winning team will get an afterparty and the losing team will, presumably, go back to their penthouse hotel suite and drink for free anyway.  The teams are the Pin Ups vs. the Spare Roses and goodness gracious I feel like I'm back watching Rock of Love with those names!!

Baby Rizzo is serving actual Rizzo realness in her 1950s style bowling shirt but the blue team hustles harder and wins the tournament. They are elated and can't stop shrieking as the pink team retires to the locker room. Arie realizes that he wants more time with ALL of the girls, so he informs everyone that EVERYONE is, in fact, invited to the afterparty. This pronouncement makes the pink team shriek with joy and makes Krystal LOSE HER SHIT.  Literally, moments before she had been clutching a trophy and making an unnecessary toast about how this journey isn't about breaking each other down, but about building each other up and then the minute she decides that she might be sharing the afterparty with some other women, she is RIPSHIT.

Krystal is emotionally immature, so she lashes out at this news, whines that the other women are on a lower level than her level (what does that even mean), claims that Arie is a liar and she doesn't trust him. The other women get ready for an afterparty, as you do when you're on a reality TV dating show and there is an opportunity to see the man who you supposedly like, while Krystal puts on a robe, packs her stuff, and--I guess--waits for Arie to catch wind that she's trying to play hard to get, and comes down to see her in her hotel room?

Krystal's moronic plan works (ugh ARIE WHY?) and after the other women arrive at the afterparty and inform him of Krystal's tantrum, he goes to her hotel room to "check on her." DUDE--if you have any self-respect and weren't taking orders from Producers for maximum drama and frustration, you would say "well, that's too bad that Krystal can't join us--perhaps I will see her at the rose ceremony tomorrow" and hang out with the women who got DRESSED UP and SHOWED up for you.

Arie and Krystal talk and Arie is NOT FEELING HER and you can tell. Krystal explains that she is angry because Arie changed the rules and didn't consult with the blue team (girl this isn't the friggin' Supreme Court--take it easy), that she grew up in a bowling alley (really? I mean, maybe, but also, come on--you grew up in a bowling alley, Annaliese was terrorized by bumper cars--what the heck is going on here?), and that her mother had a slew of boyfriends who would promise the world and then bounce and it gave her trust issues (OK, I WILL take that one into consideration but also, please stop being so dramatic about a dumb group date challenge, OK?).  Arie patiently listens to her and then explains that if she is feeling upset, she should TALK to him about it, that he can see that she is attempting to "team him a lesson" and he doesn't like it, and when she whisper purrs, "this is our first fight" he snaps back, "and it might be our last."  BOOM! Now THAT is a non-pussy Arie that I want to see more of!

Arie shakes it off and has snuggly, romantic 1:1 convos with Bekah, Kendall, Lauren B., and Becca. During all that, Krystal SHOWS UP TO THE AFTERPARTY (girl STOP STOP STOP you seem thirsty AF) and has a quick debate with Bekah then leaves again. Bekah makes some great points about the manipulation that Krystal is trying to pull and I appreciate it, even if she is a 22 year old bizarro Rizzo look alike who tweeted "All Lives Matter" and I'm not even kidding. Shout out to my college pal Emily Tranter who dug up this bizarro tweet.

At the end of the afterparty, Arie clutches the rose and says that it's great to have Maquel back, he's impressed that Kendall stood up for him (even if she wants to eat human meat), but Lauren B. gets the rose.

Finally, it's time for Tia's first 1:1 date and you can take the girl outta Arkansas but you can't take Arkansas outta the girl because their date activity is a BOAT RIDE and eating some grilled meats. Hey, I love it. Arie is in his awful uniform of navy shirt, light blue shorts, shoes that I want to beat him with while Tia rocks a red, vintage-style top (bathing suit), jean shorts, and Keds (WTF, people?). They cruise around the Everglades then meet a kindly local character who welcomes them into his home to eat catfish and deep fried corn-on-the-cob.

Arie and Tia chat on a bench and discuss "frogging" and the fact that they both have beautiful eyes.

That night over dinner, Tia talks about getting her PhD, moving to Little Rock, Arkansas from her hometown, and the fact that you can't control what happens in life (amen).  Arie counters that by saying that he thinks he makes his own destiny, which is impossible because the point of destiny is that the protagonist doesn't really have agency in it and wouldja look at that--I'm using my English degree from Hamilton College right here in a Bachelor recap! Life is magical!

Tia talks about how her faith is important to her and I admire her candor because Arie is NOT into religion, it seems, and then almost starts crying as she says, "you make me feel deserving of this opportunity" and HOO BOY Tia, you are speaking my language.  Building and nurturing feelings of entitlement and feeling deserving of things (love, jobs, opportunities, intimacy) are really difficult and I was heartened to see her put these sentiments out there.  They make out HARD and Tia gets a rose.

Finally it's cocktail party time and Chelsea, Lauren B. and Tia already have roses. Bekah's outfit is ON POINT--white bustier thing, black leather skirt, platform heels. Kendall plays a game with Arie and reveals that she would like to eat human meat "as a curiosity!" Krystal says that she knows she will be attacked if she talks to everyone in the group (you made this bed, woman!) so she invites women to talk to her 1:1 (what IS this? Free advice?) and Kendall takes her up on it, as do Tia and Bekah. Krystal tries to defend her tantrum and refuses to accept any blame, citing her PAIN BODIES being triggered (hoo boy is this an overrated Eckhart Tolle book?) and sits in silence when Bekah repeatedly exclaims, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" In an interview, Krystal repeats her mantra that these girls don't operate her level and then she mimes throwing glitter at them, which is truly a monstrous thing to do because glitter goes EVERYWHERE and truly does NOT come out.

While all this is going down, Arie and Jacqueline are canoodling and apparently she's a psychologist from NYC who is a race fan, plus she "embraces life" and has "no ego." Sure, Arie.  In their alone time, Krystal tells Arie that "struggles make us stronger" which sounds like a 12 step mantra (no shade) and Arie says that THIS PART--the free jet setting, the excitement--THIS should be the easy party and that she needs to think through her responses. Hell yeah, Arie!

Finally it's rose ceremony time. We know Chelsea (love that yellow dress), Lauren B., and Tia are safe. Who is safe and who will be heading home to sell teeth whiteners on Instagram?

-Bekah: love that outfit but she COULD have also had a necklace on there maybe? Or would that disrupt the clear clavicle action?
-Sienne: hair down, thin gold choker, floral patterned off-the-shoulder thing--good stuff.
-Kendall: hair down, flowered dress, always craving human meat.
-Becca: orange dress, hair in a low bun, never making drama, always having fun.
-Jacqueline: big hair, light dusty blue dress that I don't love.
-Jenna: blue dress, big statement necklace and hair to one side. She seems like fun but perhaps not boring enough for Arie.
-Krystal: UGH UGH UGH. She's wearing a light pink/blush dress with a strange neckline and producers no doubt FORCED Arie to keep her around so that she will sow discord among the women. Oof.

So who is going home to fire up their Instagrams and peddle sunglasses to Bachelor Nation?
-Maquel: who looks gorgeous and whose hair/make-up were always on point, but WOW how embarrassing to RACE through grandma's funeral so that you can get back to your reality TV dating show, only go get NEGGED!? Ha. This show is truly amazing.
-Ashley: it seemed like perhaps she and Arie never fully clicked and I just wish she had caked on the make-up a little more beneath those TV lights.
-Marikh: gives him a quick kiss goodbye and says "nice meeting you" which feels hilarious after, what, 5 weeks? They didn't seem to click, either.

Next week we leave the USA for Paris, France where Krystal will go off the rails, as usual. Will the gang eat frogs legs? Will Kendall eat human meat? Will Krystal whisper talk and blow out her vocal chords? We'll find out Monday!

Bachelor Arie: Krystal Starts to Crack, Baby Rizzo Reveals Herself

Hey hey hey, pussycats!

I'm coming to you now from my couch where I'm chomping on a popsicle and trying to resist the magnetic pull of the bottle of red wine that's staring at me from atop my refrigerator. Dry January is going great!  Thankfully, The Bachelor is scratching my itch for watching the ramifications of bad decisions unfold (though I'm jealous of all their bubbly and wine drinking).

We start off inside the STD Shack (Bachelor Mansion) where 15 ladies are informed that they are LEAVING LOS ANGLES to head to south Lake Tahoe, Nevada! I'll admit that I said, out loud, to my sweet roommate, "I bet they don't even know what state Lake Tahoe is in" before I admitted that I didn't, either. Turns out, NEVADA!! (Though apparently part of it is in California, also.) I TRULY mean it when I say the The Bachelor franchise has taught me so much about geography (... and myself).

Nothing says "sexy time romance" quite like acres of pine trees, am I right? The ladies explore their woodsy cabin lodge and quirky Kendall is thrilled that it's filled with taxidermy.

Yale alumna, Sienne, is dressed in a white top, snug blue jeans, her hair down, and she's READY for 1:1 date action.  Like a concerned camp counselor, Arie asks her if she "packed enough warm clothes" and they're off! The hop in an open top Jeep that looks like a classic Ford Bronco (or something) and hit the road. I'll admit that as they cruised off in that sweet truck, it made me almost like Arie for a split second there.  WOW. I'm amazed that producers could EVER get me to not loathe him.

They drive to the lake where they board a boat and go parasailing, which we soon learn is a LOT like falling in love, in that it involves trust, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, and maybe shitting yourself out from fear.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Lodge, evil producers have given the gals binoculars so that they can watch it all go down on the lake like a 14 girl crew of stalkers. Note that during all of this, whisper-baby-talk-Krystal openly hopes that Sienne gets sent home. I cannot WAIT for the "Women Tell All" episode!!

Arie and Sienne take off their crotch harnesses (not a joke--when parasailling, your genitals MUST be wrapped in seatbelts for safety) and sit on a beach sipping champagne and talking about how often Arie sees his parents (every other day) and how embarrassing it must have been for Arie to watch his younger brother get married first (HA! OUCH!). Arie says he's impressed with Sienne because she's smart, well-traveled, and a damn good kisser. God I hate it when he earns his dweeb assed nickname (Kissing Bandit).

That evening, Maquel gets a call that her grandfather died very unexpectedly and suddenly, so she packs up and leaves. Some girls think she'll return, but really? Really? If she does, she'll DEFINITELY say she returned because her deceased grandfather would have WANTED her to go on network TV in order to find love with a 36-year-old race car driver turned realtor nicknamed "The Kissing Bandit" but some and "Pasty Snooze" but others. Her grandpa LOVED that kind of thing!! Mark my words!!

As Maquel flies back to Utah (not too far at all), Sienne and Arie go into the Hard Rock Cafe Casino (how amazing must it be to see outside humans, ya know? They are living like friggin' kidnapping victims!) and sit down for a dinner of white wine for her, red wine for him. That is MY kind of dinner!  Oh Sauvey Blanc, when will I get you back in my liiiiiife!??!?!? Sienna looks gorgeous--light pink sorta wrap-ish dress, delicate jewelry, black leather jacket. Arie's too casual in a plaid shirt, but also, he's not working with much, at all, ever, so whatcha gonna do?

Sienne shares that her parents' marriage was somewhat chaotic, especially in her teen years, and that she doesn't often see representations of people who look like her in romantic, happily-ever-after stories. Wow. I'm glad she said that, producers kept it in, and Arie echoed it.  Representation is so important and anyone who says different probably grew up with the luxury of seeing representations of themselves in positions of power, positions of privilege, their whole damn lives. Sienna's feelings of outsider-ness really resonated with me and many Bach heads, I'm sure.

Arie hands her the rose, explaining that he already felt a familiarity with her when they met, that she's a strong woman who impresses him, and that the date isn't over!  He has one trick up his sleeve and by that he means that Bachelor producers have a connection to a D list, Top 40, bro country band and that band needs press!  Arie and Sienne walk into a theater where LANCO is performing (who? I know) a song that I'm ashamed I have heard on New York's country station, 94.7 and there is a BIG crowd there, but conveniently a platform on which Arie and Sienne can dance, kiss, and perform their love for a crowd of creepy onlookers. I get dumb chills from watching this, but my new, young roommate calls it "secondhand embarrassment" so I can only assume that ALL millennials use that phrase when they're snap chatting their avocado toast while tanking the economy or whatever. Perhaps we should confirm my assumptions with Bekah (GET IT!?!? MILLENNIAL JOKE ABOUT BABY RIZZO! More of those coming soon!).

The next day it's a group date for the 13 girls who aren't Sienne or Bekah (on that's right---Bekah will get a 1:1 and you haven't seen her this happy since she learned how to ride a bike last week).  The group date gals are all done up in their best sexy winter looks. Looks that scream, "yeah these are hiking boots but these leggings are like sausage casings and isn't this scarf jaunty? It does NOTHING to keep me warm but looks delightfully seasonal." When Arie meets up with the Winter Beauties, he addresses Maquel's depature, saying, "I'm really appreciative of your guyses time" when he could have just said, "I'm really appreciative of your time" but who cares? Our damn President can barely string 3 words together--let it rip!

The group goes on a "hike" that lasts roughly 60 seconds (my kind of hike) and meet up with a married couple who are experts in wilderness survival--he's Mykel Hawke (is that a stage name? Or rather, a woods name?), a former Green Beret commander and his wife is British! They talk about the dangerous of black bears (who invited Betsy DeVos?), survival, and RECYCLING URINE aka DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE!!! Yezzzzz!!  Hahah. I love euphemisms for stuff.  "Recycling Urine"--oh you mean recycling it from my own vag into my own mouth! Goodness gracious this recap is off the rails.

Each participant is handed a bottle, told to go pee into it, and then assembled to watch Arie drink his pee first. NONE OF THIS IS A JOKE. This all occurred on ABC in primetime. Arie "sips his pee" then spits it out, then reveals that it was apple juice JUST as Jacqueline (a girl who has hardly said anything and made ZERO impression on Bachelor Nation) is about to drink hers! Then we cut to a shot of blonde Jenna saying, "I would drink my pee for Arie--I would do anything." Oh Jenna, please never change.

Please take this pee conversation opportunity to watch a hilarious video created by my brother-in-law, Bobby Mort, that leads a candid conversation about America's favorite pasttime: drinking its own pee.



After The PeePee Tape (JK but I literally pray to God that President Trump's Pee Tape gets released--you KNOW that Mueller has a copy), the gang has an opportunity to eat WORMS and Tia and Kendall are FIRED UP! Kendall, as you may recall, was on an episode of Fear Factor that involved eating bugs, so this is old hat.  Krystal is horrified by all of it, as was I, though I am NOT on Team Krystal anymore.

Krystal is deep in denial and projecting HARD, as she rails against the other women, saying that they are desperate and insecure and don't know who they are. In fact, Krystal is feeling insecure and a bit unmoored and rather than handle those feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way, by looking within or sitting with them or taking ownership of these feelings, Krystal lashes out at the other women. Girl, read a self help book and get a clue.

As if bug eating and (fake) pee drinking weren't "nature date-y" enough, now the crew is split up into 3 teams, given heavy backpacks and maps, and cast out into the wilderness to find their way to a destination where there is a hot tub and bubbly.  What better carrot to dangle in front of a bevy of Bachelor babes!?

The blue team gets Arie and gets to the cabin/oasis first.  The grey team gets completely lost, and the red team is off the rails (this is when Chelsea spots Marikh allegedly using the compass as a reflective surface to check her hair and I would have done the same thing! Well, I mean, it was snowing and that would RUIN my curls, so I would definitely have them up and protected--as Ashley did--not down and losing body, as Marikh did).  Finally, everyone assembles at the hot tub where they drink bubbly, canoodle, and crack jokes (at least Tia and Caroline do, and Krystal is too paranoid and insecure to get it).

Everyone gets dressed up for the afterparty, where Krystal continues to crack (GET IT!??!?) but says that everyone ELSE is spiraling and that it's "exhausting to watch." Sure, girl.

Arie and Lauren B. have a connection and chat by a fire and man, Lauren B. not only lacks personality, she has ZERO facial expressions.  It's bizarre.  Arie and Kendall have a nice 1:1 chat and my roommate Lola called it, saying, "Arie likes crazy" which I think is VERY true.

While the ladies get alone time with Arie, Krystal holds court on the couches, waxing poetic about how romance and dating works (Good Lord did anybody ask you, Krystal?) and talking about herself nonstop.

During Krystal's alone time with Arie she mostly says "like" and says that she has a target on her back because she and Arie have such a strong relationship and THAT is why the other girls don't like her. HA!! Keep telling yourself that, kiddo. Ummm--Bekah and Becca both have SERIOUS connexies with Arie and you don't see THEM being ostracized for being front runners. Krystal just keeps digging her own grave and preserving her legacy as the Courtney/Tierra/Vienna of this season.

Krystal pulls Tia and Caroline aside to confront them about "mocking" her at the hottub and Caroline shoots straight--they were being silly, it wasn't meant to be mean to Krystal--and she's telling the truth!  They were being goofy!  Get over yourself, Krystal.  Nonetheless, the interaction feels like blondes vs. brunettes, or rather, Krystal vs. everybody--ha!

Tia and Arie have alone time during which he furiously rubs her neck and clavicles and when she tells him that she gets scared that he has strong connections with other women, he reassures her by saying, "you just need to have some faith that I have a plan" and WOW I haven't  heard that type of talk since the last time I read THE BIBLE. Who are you, Arie, friggin' God? Is this a remake of that classic Young Adult book, "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" called "Are You There Arie God, It's Me Tia?" Well, apparently treating Arie like the creator of heaven and Earth pays off, as Tia scores the group date rose, much to Krystal's frustration (though she SMILES BIG through it all).

Finally it's time for Baby Rizzo and Arie's 1:1 date which will be horseback riding, more hot tub and bubbly time (what else does one do in Lake Tahoe?), and, finally, a dinner of wine.  Back at the house, we FINALLY get some sound bites from Jacqueline, who says that she, too, is an "experience junkie" (as is Bekah, apparently) and that Bekah should spend her 20s doing all sorts of things, not settling down and cranking out babies for a 36 year old guy whose new favorite hobby is going to bed early.

Finally, over "dinner," Bekah (dressed in yet another huge, fake fur worn off her shoulders and yet another mock turtleneck and giant hoops) revels her age: 22 to Arie's 36.  Arie is STUNNED and I'm sorta shocked at how shocked he is because she has always looked YOUNG.  I mean, sure, she looks like a young Stockard Channing playing the role of Rizzo in the masterpiece, GREASE, but she has always looked VERY young, she's a nanny, and she has avoided the age question repeatedly. Dude--how didn't you see this coming!?  Arie just keeps saying "you're so young!" and sort of pulling away and Bekah goes into survival mode, trying HARD to reel him back in with promises of adventure and "follow your heart" and "just have new experiences" and all that stuff that you believe when you're 22.

He has his fingers IN her hoops which really grosses me out.

He explains that he has been dumped on national TV before and this time, he's seeking a partner, a wife, a person with whom to build a family (you didn't think that I was going to throw a dangling preposition in there, did you?) and that is WHY he's here.  He explains that his biggest fear is that he'll go through this whole bizarro wife search situation and come to the end, and find himself alone again. She responds, "well would it be worth it if that did happen?" and he says, "No! Cause I need a wife!" Oh man he is dropping TRUTH BOMBS and I can dig it!  He says, "I'm not here for a 22 year old girlfriend, I'm here to find a wife" and YET he decides to keep her around.

WARNING: I AM ABOUT TO BE QUITE CRASS:

Arie says that he's now going to "guard his heart a little bit" (whatever that means) but I think we all know that he's keeping Bekah around until the Fantasy Suite so that he can hump down with this sexy youngster, then he will DROP HER after that. I think he's a FOOL to keep her there, since he is SO drawn to her and she is, essentially, a non-option as far as wife/kids pronto, but he's keeping her around to get laid.  I'm betting on it.

Finally it's time to prepare for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Sienne, Tia, and Bekah M. already have roses, so they are chill as hell walking into this cocktail party.  Everyone else is sorta losing it. Everyone wants to talk to Arie, everyone seems to feel that they are misunderstood, there is tension in the house, and it's finally "really, really getting real--like, for real now, real real."

The ladies assemble and are all looking gorgeous--there's lots of sparkles, hair, lipstick. Kendall makes a hilarious point that Krystal talks as if she's reading from a self-help book and the Twee Taxidermist is RIGHT!!  Every time the ladies are assembled, Krystal is spouting off unsolicited advice about how you gotta "put yourself out there" and crap like that. The ladies all find her to be fake and two faced and it looks like next week (ROBE GATE), Arie is going to realize that.  But back to the cocktail party/rose ceremony....

Chris Harrison walks in like one of those "I'm here to ruin your life" GIFs that I would insert here if I understood technology at all and drops this bomb:

"There will be no cocktail party."

The ladies act as if Chris Harrison has just told them ALL of their respective homes have burned to the ground.  Also, yes, that bottom picture above is a still from my Instagram story. I live tweet as much as I can and also post Instagram stories because I live, eat, breathe BACH 24/7.  So be sure to follow me on twitter and Insta: both are @SelenaCoppock.

The freaked out ladies assemble in the rose ceremony room and Bekah is looking like a young Ms.  Hannigan with that silk dress plus fur off the shoulders thing. 

Hi, I'm Bekah and I'm ready for this rose ceremony to pop off!

Everyone is freaked out but, in classic Krystal fashion, only SHE feels like she deserves 1:1 time with Arie. Arie enters the rose ceremony room (THE CHAMBER), does a standard monologue about how hard it is to select a would-be wife from over a dozen knockouts who are more educated and better looking than he is.  Just as he is about to start doling out the flowers, Krystal interrupts him and asks if she can pull him away. She and Arie go sit on a bench and she says that the women in the house are making her feel insecure and she fears that she is putting up walls with HIM because of THEM and WOWIE ZOWIE Krystal doesn't take responsibility for ANYTHING, does she?  Whatever--she'll be gone next week.  They go back to the line-up so that Arie can make some ladies cry.  Who gets roses? 

-Lauren - blonde white lady in a navy dress. She seems a LIL boring but perhaps I am a monster who surrounds herself with wackadoos who have a TON of personality? [HIGH KICK]
-Kendall - blonde white girl who LOVES dead animals! She's in a hippie chick beaded black dress that I don't hate.
-Ashley - light skinned black girl who seems has kept a low profile, which I can dig, but that dress feels a lil too casual. Beauty is pain, my friend!
-Becca K. - brunette white woman in a greenish dress, hair half up/half down, looking great.
-Chelsea - white lady single mama who is ALL cheekbones atop a blue dress.
-Jenna - blonde white woman serving vintage Hollywood realness with that liquid liner cat eye and I LIKE it but I think that she has zero connection with Arie beyond straddling him for a make-out.
-Jacqueline - brunette white lady who spoke ONCE this season! She is a PRO at not embarrassing her family, I'll say that.
-Marikh - dark haired Indian girl in a black, one shoulder dress. During the credits we watch her confront Chelsea about "glam shaming" and it was HILARRRRZ.
-Krystal - blonde white lady KOOKOO BIRD who gets the last rose and this rose will be her last (see what I did there?).

So who is going home?
-Caroline - a beautiful former Miss Massachusetts (HELL YESSSS) who seems hilarious and cool and smart, so naturally Arie sent her packing. Very presciently, she said that Krystal is playing Arie like a fiddle and she will be proven right next week, I think! Although he'll quit playing the fiddle and this Americana folk music metaphor is getting MESSY.
-Brittany - a gorgeous black woman whose dress choices were ON POINT every time.

My heart breaks for Tia because she's losing her buddy Caroline, but I'm sure they'll stay in touch (and I'll be watching it on Instagram like a Bachelor superfan psychopath!).

Next week the gang heads to FLORIDA and it looks like single mom Chelsea is the mystery lady who straddles Arie on a moving jet ski. On episode 1 I made a joke about Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski is VERY Eastbound & Down and HOLY SHIT Arie being straddled on a moving jet ski BY A SINGLE MOTHER FROM A D LIST CITY is SOOOOO COMPLETELY EASTBOUND & DOWN I can't even believe it!!

Bachelor Arie: Wrasslin, Dawgz, and DISRESPECTING BIBIANA!!!

Monday night's episode started off with 18 ladies remaining and over the course of 2 hours we heard about dog trauma (Good Lord Annaliese these producers are BAITING YOU at this point), we saw lots of tears from many ladies (Bibiana, Tia, Annaliese, Caroline), and American watched a forgettable blonde named Jenny straddle Arie and make out with him (why why whyyyy?).

I'll try to keep this short (impossible).

Chris Harrison informs the harem that this week there will be 3 dates--2 group dates and one 1:1 date.

The group date starts with the quotation "it's all about the ring" and these ladies have watched enough episodes of the show they are appearing on to deduce that "the ring" probably isn't a blood diamond, but rather a wrasslin' ring.  The crew is Maquel (uber blonde Utah gal), Jacqueline (low key brunette who will probably get sent home before she embarrasses her family, which is pretty solid), Tia (Arkansan brunette), Mahrik (girl who I'm thinking perhaps doesn't bring much to the table since she seems to be on the listening end of a LOT of annoying ladies' ramblings), Lauren B. (blonde who hasn't done much this season), Bekah M. (aka Baby Rizzo), Bibiana (America's sweetheart straight outta Miami), Krystal (who LOST me as a fan and also should really breathe from her diaphragm to project bettter).

The ladies suit up in yoga pants and sports bras, hop into some limos, and arrive at a boxing ring for GLOB--GORGEOUS LADIES of BACHELOR!!  Training them are 2 surprise guests--original GLOW wrestling ladies!!  I WISH that the producers had reached out to actresses from the Netflix series GLOW, but I guess that ABC doesn't necessarily want to promote Netflix.  Angelina and Ursula, the GLOW Veterans, and EXTREMELY MEAN to Bibiana and Tia for whatever reason. The brunette veteran takes it all VERY seriously and mocks Bibiana's name, then pulls Tia's hair.  As T and Bibs cry on some nearby stairs, Bekah and Maquel practice their fake wrestling moves with great flourishes. Tia and Bibiana decide to help each other out and admit that they don't want to quit because they want to "LOOK strong, independent." Whatever it takes, I suppose.

welcome to your group date!!!!

The ladies are assigned wrestling alter egos and they are:
BEKAH: Sex Kitten (and yes, kitten--because she is v. young)
TIA: Southern Belle
BIBIANA: Bridezilla (Godzilla headpieces and all--brutal)
MAQUEL: Lunch Lady (HUH?)
KRYSTAL: Cougar (producers are throwing shade about her age and I aint mad at it)
JACQUELINE: Pageant Girl or something that is probably related to whatever personality she may or may not have because she definitely has NOT revealed ANYTHING yet.
LAUREN B.: huh who? The blonde girl? Listen there aint enough time to get everyone on camera at every group date, OK?  Also she's a pink leopard? Is her wrestling alter ego, Claire's Accessories Cat?
MARIKH: Gold something?

Actual photo of Maquel during her wrestling match

Before the ladies pair up and do their best impressions of Mickey Rourke doing an impression of a washed-up wrestler, first Bachelor die-hards are delighted by an appearance by Kenny
"Prettyboy Pitbull" King (who we last saw during Rachel's season of The Bachelotte because Bach contestants NEVER MOVE ON)!!! He fights against Arie, who dons an eye mask and adopts the wrestling persona of the "Kissing Bandit" (PLEASE STOP WITH THIS NIGHTMARE JOKE, ABC!).  They do some moves and Kenny shows off his hot bod, which is inordinately better than Arie's pasty flesh sack.  Arie wins because it's in his contract.

The ladies pair up and tangle, with Bekah and Maquel REALLY selling it, which is both surprising and pathetic.

Before you know it, this wrestling group date is over and the gang is all cleaned up for the afterparty and in a move that we can only call "rich people glamorizing and fetishizing poverty," the afterparty is in an assortment of TRAILERS!  Oh I kid, I kid. Classic airstream trailers are cute, but I must admit that I'm tired of super wealthy people thinking it is SO CHARMING and CUTE to live in a TINY HOUSE!! Have you seen articles about the tiny house "TREND" that is rocking the nation? Ummm for some people, that's just called LIFE.

But I am getting sidetracked by the inherent violence of capitalism and ya know what I should be focusing on--Krystal's crushed velvet romper that is PROFOUNDLY unflattering! Krystal is a beautiful girl with a great figure--what is going on here!? Krystal and Arie have some alone time in a trailer and she asks him flat out how she should handle these group dates--hang back or come and get him? He says to kick back, but come and get him when she needs attention. Great non-answer, bro!

Bibiana and Arie have 1:1 time and she explains that she's respectful to others, wants to give the other women their time with Arie, also, and straight out of the playbook of "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished," Arie seems NOT excited to hear that. I hate to say that The Bachelor is just like dating in real life (because it certainly isn't) BUT, this show always reminds me of a simple fact: if he likes you, he likes you, and you sorta can't screw that up too much. Arie seems like he simply doesn't like Bibiana that much, so her manners and respect for the other women in the house are a con and not a pro, ya know?

Tia and Arie have some good alone time during which Tia says that she felt "weak" and didn't enjoy the challenge. Arie responds, "I'm the man--let me do that." Oh MAAAN. I mean, sure, the entire agenda of the Bachelor franchise is to advance heteronormative relationships but COME ON do you gotta be THAT on the nose!?!?? "Waaah I'm a weak woman and you're a strong man!" Barf.

While this crew hangs out in their privacy pods (err I mean trailers), back at the house a 1:1 date card has arrived and it's for blonde beauty LAUREN S! Lauren seems cute and fun and I'm happy for her! Also I will live to regret saying that in mere MOMENTS!!

But first, we gotta wrap up this group date.  Bekah telsl Arie that her longest relationship was 2.5-3 years and she ALMOST reveals that they broke up the first week of college, but pulls back, so as to seem like she's not twenty frigging two.  They talk about how breakups can be valuable, how they make you hit the gym then you fall in love (on exactly the schedule you want that to happen, right?) then everything melts away.

The crew re-convenes and Arie gives the rose to Bekah which is annoying, but makes Krystal upset, so it's nice to watch.

The next day is the 1:1 daytime date for Arie and Lauren S. and WOWIE WOWIE WOWIE this reminded me of dates I used to have when I was, oohhhh, maybe 19 and I'd go out to dinner in the North End (Boston) with an older guy and be SO KEYED UP because not only am I on a date (which is v. exciting, especially if you grew up thinking you were v. ugly and that no guy would ever want to be seen with you in public) but ALSO you're drinking wine like a real adult and you're using a fake ID!!

Lauren looks gorgeous--maroon short dress, hair curled perfectly, although her shoes were an abomination and you could tell that the camera person hated them also, as they were rarely in the shot. They board a private jet to Napa Valley and roam around a winery, drink, and talk. They discuss what it must be like to run a winery (HUH? You two hardly know each other--why not talk about your family, your jobs, your taste in books and film rather than stupid hypotheticals?) and Arie makes a few jokes about being an old man which Lauren seems too polite to razz him on.  It was hard to watch because she was being VERY polite and curious and he was being sorta lightly sarcastic, it seemed. Just me?

That night they "talk" (well, Lauren talks) over more wine and Arie ACTUALLY EATS the dinner that the producers set out which NEVER HAPPENS but he couldn't get a word in edgewise, so may as well tuck into this meatloaf or whatever it was. Lauren seems VERY NERVOUS and probably VERY DRUNK and she yammers on about her San Francisco breakup, the fact that "there's power in problems" (save me the self-help talk, plz), and how blessed she is to have a great family.

HOOOO BOOOOY!!!!!

Finally, Arie takes the rose off the little tray and you can tell that Lauren feels like she's about to be given a report card and she knows she got an F or at least a D. He says that he has enjoyed getting to know her and learning about her family (was that an insult wrapped in a fake compliment?) but, he says, "I just don't see it for us" then he escorts her to a waiting car.  DeBussy's classic "Clair De Lune" (one of my favorite songs of all time) is played live by a string quartet as Arie roams around alone, rose in hand (HILARZ) and the ladies back at the house process the news that Lauren S. is gone. Caroline, Tia, and Becca are heartsick and even though they are all brunettes, I feel like I would be part of that crew if I were in the house.  Krystal takes Lauren's departure as an opportunity to give the remaining ladies a speech about how everyone needs to put themselves out there and nobody wants to hear from her.

Next day is a GROUP DATE and it is DOG DAY AFTERNOON!  (JK it's not actually "Dog Day Afternoon" because that's a film from 1975 about a bank robber who wanted to pay for his boyfriend's sex change operation and I am not kidding!)

This group date isn't about bank robberies but it IS a day of circus-style dog training for Arie, Chelsea (she has a child so every moment of her life is more important and meaningful than anyone else's), Annaliese (who has phobias GALORE), Becca, Caroline, Ashley, and others!

The gang learns some tricks with dogs then suit up for a dog show at The Grove in Los Angeles! Comedy God Fred Willard is doing color commentary along with Chris Harrison and Willard's role in BEST IN SHOW is serving him well!  He makes some jokes about doggystyle sex and we're rocking and rolling!

Annaliese secures her spot as this season's "Poor Thing" when she is given the role of POOPER SCOOPER in this challenge.

Dear Readers!

I must address a phenomenon that I have noticed in all reality TV shows--that of the "Contestant Who Can't Catch a Break." She is the participant in the group who is singled our by producers to get THE WORST of everything. 

In America's Next Top Model, she's the one who arrives with a head of gorgeous hair and is IMMEDIATELY given a buzz cut (to make her more "edgy") and she spends the season not only enduring the challenges and humiliations and stresses, but also mourning her lost hair, new look, sense that she isn't herself. Remember Brit (aka Brittany) on cycle 8 of ANTM? She arrived with GREAT hair but producers needed to have someone SPIRAL out of control, so Brit was given a red weave that was itchy and disgusting. 

And same with The Bachelor.  There is always one girl who just takes it on the chin--time and time again.  In every challenge, she is given the nightmare costume or the most embarrassing position.  In Juan Pablo's season it was Kelly, a girl who seems COOL AS SHIT and who is now happily married (she's super tight with Andi Dorfman, so I see her on Andi's Instagram a fair amount bc I'm am addicted to all things Bachelor).  Here is Kelly during that fateful season:

I mean, she looks like an ALIEN with that giant, white mark on her face. Kelly was fun and enthusiastic and she paid dearly for it--always getting the embarrassing costume or assignment.

This is a long way of saying, Annaliese should be HAPPY that she was sent home this week because the producers had decided that she would be their whipping boy.  She was a joke to them. So at least now she is home, safe, and far away from bumper cars and dogs, I hope.

Oh yeah spoiler alert, Annaliese bounces outta Bachelor land.

Oh, sweet, sweet reader. I have been trying to write this recap all damn week and have been so busy. So I'm sorry that I'm going to commence phoning it in HARD right now, but I cam.  Let's do the quickest summary of the rest of the episode that we can!!

-Afterparty is in a fancy bank turned into a cocktail lounge.
-Chelsea says that she wants to discover herself through someone else (ummm isn't the phrase--that you often her from handsome military men who you date for a few months--just me?--supposed to be, lose yourself in service of others? I digress) and reminds Arie that she has kids. WE GET IT.
-Becca's in a cool, fuscia dress and she and Arie def. have chemistry.
-Caroline asks him what types of relationships he had before this--great Q! Also great way to guarantee on-camera time b/c the show is, after all, mostly about HIM.
-Annaliese is awkward as HELL!! Oh wooow it was like watching me trying to flirt with Wayland dudes circa 1996!! Yikes!
-Chelsea gets the date rose. Blech.

ROSE CEREMONY/COCKTAIL PARTY!
-Bibiana has a lovely bed set out in the driveway (don't judge) for star gazing with Arie. She has a telescope set up--everything.
-What a setup!! Arie "stumbles upon" that lovely setup (while Bibiana is NOT with him and NOT nearby) and canoodles with Lauren B. on that couch.  OUCH!  Bibiana WALKS UP and Arie says to her, "can we have 5 more minutes?" HOLY SHIT!! This is SOOO BRUTAL!  Bibiana deserves better!!  Arie then smooches Bekah (Baby Rizzo) on that bed, also! Bibiana, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! This dude has awful taste in women and you are being disrespected by him AND the producers. Booooo.
-Annaliese continues her Awkward Nightmare tour, pulling him away and then sort of asking him to kiss her, which he OPTS OUT OF!! TALK ABOUT A HEISMAN TO THE FACE!! OUCH!! Finally she gets it and essentially, tells him she is leaving. Goodnight, sweet princess.
-Jenny (or is it Jenna? Look, I am a blonde but I can't tell these blondes apart!) straddles him and they kiss HARD.
-Hipster Kendall Twee Nightmare kisses him, too. Goddamn everyone gets a kiss except for Annaliese because if you ASK for it, you will not receive it.  Those are the rules of life TRULY.
-Bekah is a know-it-all and informs Arie that he dates mothers only because he wants to rescue women and that he responds to unavailable women because they don't NEED him and Arie acts like she is dropping profound points, but this shit is pretty standard. Dudes want what they can't have--ummmm yeah. Bekah isn't friggin' Henry David Thoreau or some shit. This stuff is pretty damn standard and straight out of The Rules or Why Men Marry Bitches (which I am currently reading and I am NOT kidding).  Easy, Arie.
-Roses are handed out but I can't be bothered to talk about all those dresses. 
-Bibiana is sent home. Oh, sweet, sweet Bibiana. You deserved better than this.
-So this episode we lost Annaliese and Bibiana--not super surprising.
-Next week, hot tubs and make-outs in Lake Tahoe!!

Bachelor Arie: TRIGGER WARNING: Bumper Car Trauma

LOVEBUGS!

I'm late with this recap because I had a standup show on Monday night when the geniuses behind The Bachelor dropped this KILLER episode. On Tuesday morning, a few friends who are fellow Bach-Heads made mention of bumper cars and I wasn't sure what they meant, but I figured, oh a bumper car group date--how weird can it be?

OH, IT CAN BE PROFOUNDLY WEIRD, SWEET READERS.

But before we get into flashbacks to childhood bumper car trauma and the PTSD that such events can cause and ripple throughout your adulthood, start from the beginning.

There are 21 ladies in the house and they are all looking gorgeous and sipping mimosas like the walking cliches that they are (as a feminist, I hate to say that b/c I truly LOVE these ladies for being gutsy enough to go on this show and I bet they are almost all super fun and cool but also, I HATE brunch and mimosas are connected to that, so I must throw shade). I am fascinated by the mechanics behind everything and I kept thinking--it was sunrise when the first night rose ceremony finished up and now it's daylight--did this mimosa toast take place mere HOURS after that unending first night cocktail party OR did the ladies get a day to SLEEP, settle in, then kick things off the next day? I feel like it's the former but I wish that it were the latter.

As the ladies sip mimosas, "tough guy" Arie is on the top of a mountain--just him and an eagle hanging loose like two rolling stones who are VERY COOL, right? Extremely cool! I mean, that leather jacket! Those shades! This guy is EXTREMELY COOL, the producers assure you!!

Chris Harrison arrives at the house and hands over a date card for Becca K, the brunette publicist from Minneapolis. Before you can say "Arie is fundamentally NOT HOT. His DNA is ugly--I'm sorry to be so harsh but I am a scientist," Arie rolls up to scoop up Becca K. for a motorcycle ride into the mountains. Like a gaggle of gluttons for punishment, the 18 ladies who are NOT invited on the date assemble in the front driveway to watch Arie and Becca drive off.

As they drive to an anonymous mansion, Becca keeps remarking on how amazing this ride is, that this feels so good, that "we're not in Kansas anymore" (DUMB CHILLS), even though we can't see Arie's face (thank GOD), you just KNOW that he's there underneath his helmet being like, "zip it! Act like you been here! Soak it in, but please don't give me a director's cut of this ride, girl."

They arrive at an offensively modern, sleek mansion where there is lobster, champagne, and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's-bestie-turned-enemy who they nicknamed Raisin Face, RACHEL ZOE!

Brace yourself for some branding partnerships because it's episode 2 and we're already being force fed Rachel Zoe's new fashion line, Louboutin's signature red-soled shoes (did you know you can buy stickers to make ANY soles red? Ha! I'm a trash bag), and Neil Lane.

Becca gets a day of ostentatious indulgence and unrepentant materialism and Arie slides right in the role of Lame Boyfriend Waiting Outside The Fitting Room as Becca tries on gorgeous, metallic, 70s style dress after dress. I'll admit that all of those dresses were very on brand for me (my BRAND is disco queen who has seen  better days) and--get this--Becca gets to keep them all. Lucky lady! After the dress deluge, Arie gets down on one knee to gift Becca a pair of Louboutins and then Neil Lane's enforcer walks up off the beach (very casual) to hand over a box of blood diamonds.  Becca is stunned by the diamond earrings, necklace, and bracelets and Arie says that he's excited to spoil her because she's down to Earth.  You hear that, ladies! Act like you don't NEED diamonds and you will GET diamonds because The Secret does NOT work, in fact the opposite works! Life is crazy!

Lauren pops back to the mansion with her arms full of bags (it's just like "Pretty Woman" except Lauren isn't a woman who is being paid to fuck a stranger--she is NOT being paid and MIGHT fuck a semi-stranger--VERY DIFFERENT) and makes everyone jealous, then changes into a beautiful silver number and heads to downtown LA to meet up with schlubby Arie. He's waiting for her and wearing a suit, but that doesn't make up for his face. Arie AGAIN justifies his CHOICE of leaving professional race car driving (WE GET IT! You're SUPER EXCITED about where your life is heading, which is why you constantly tell everyone that you're super excited about where our life is headed! Totally!), they agree that it's pretty cool that they BOTH have families they don't hate, and Becca scores a rose.  Oh also, they discuss Becca's late father and make out beneath a shower of gold confetti.

Up next is a 1:1 date for the valley girl-iest fan of whispering, Krystal. OK, in episode 1 I really liked Krystal--she seemed like a bubbly, earnest, simple, sweet girl and I was on her side. I liked her throughout most of episode 2 until the cocktail party, but we'll get to that.  Her 1:1 date with Arie is what I call the "Too Much Too Soon Mindfuck Special"--a private flight to Scottsdale, AZ (where he lives and his parents and brother live) where tour around his hometown, high school, and finish it off with a stop in to MEET THE PARENTS! Remember, fellow Bach heads--this is a FIRST DATE.  Krystal and Arie met AT MOST, 48 hours prior.  And now she's watching home video of him and meeting his sweet parents!? HUH?

Everything this season is moving WAY TOO FAST and I'm sure that's by design--there's more drama to be had for producers if you can get the ladies HOOKED QUICKLY. So we are seeing ladies reveal family trauma VERY early on (I'm sure producers are encouraging that), ladies dive into Arie's family and childhood stories much too early (again, no an accident), and just an expedited timeline that pushes them to a level of false familiarity with Arie.  Can you tell that I've become VERY good at sensing false familiarity and a deliberate lack of boundaries in guys? Special thanks to dudes who manipulated me when I was young and naive and foolishly thought that people were all nice and honest!

Krystal falls for it (or wants to believe it? Or just enjoys it? I can't quite tell) and loves the walk down Arie's memory lane (also known as Narcissism Street) and is thrilled to meet his parents, brother, sister-in-law.  They have a nice chat and I'll say this for Krystal, she's a great conversationalist, she's very inclusive of the family, curious about them, asks a lot of questions.  Also I must give props to the fact that all THREE women in the parents' house are BLONDE, so I love it.  If Krystal marries Arie, they'll have a gorgeous extended family of blonde women and men who can easily wear bags over their heads because their heads are all quite small.

That night, over dinner (drinks) at Los Angeles landmark The Bradbury Building, Arie asks Krystal about her childhood and Krystal reveals herself as she seems to choke back tears. Poor thing. She explains that her father walked out, her mother was a single mom and Krystal felt that she and her brother were not wanted (oh Lord how sad is that?), that she essentially raised her little brother, and dealt with very adult things from a very young age.  Before I lambast her for being a weirdo at the cocktail party, I'll say this: I give her SO much credit for having such a positive attitude in spite of that tragic childhood of abandonment.  Arie pulls a Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting and literally says "it's not your fault" then when she asks if this scares him (oh man I was almost crying), he says no, gives her a rose, and they make out HARD.

The next day is a group date for 15 girls (Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah aka Poor Man's Rizzo aka Braless Nanny, Jenny aka Jenna cause who can tell those blondes apart, Sierre, Jenna aka Jenny because--wait, didn't we already account for her, who knows, Caroline, Brittney, Bibiana aka MIAMI HEAT, Chelsea or something I think? how long does it take to recite 15 names and also who are most of these people.

But before they leave to play real life bumper cars with "shitty cars" that would probably be considered "perfectly good cars" in any country but the United States, Krystal needs to act evasive when the ladies ask her about what her 1:1 date with Arie was. In some ways I get it (BOUNDARIES!) but also, come on, girl. Be friendly, chat a little bit, have fun.

The group date gals head to a mud pit and enter the stadium like a sea of yoga pants, where Chris Harrison and some supposedly famous car person, Robby Gordon, are waiting to do color commentary for the BASHELOR Demolition Derby! Everyone is fired up except for Annaliese who has--and this is where The Bachelor turned into a self-parody--traumatic memories of bumper cars. Annaliese explains to Marikh and Maquel that as a child, she drove bumper cars and was smashed up, felt all alone, was terrified. The brilliant minds behind The Bachelor intercut the footage of Annaliese sharing her trauma and crying with shots of bumper cars and screams of children. I AM NOT KIDDING!!! Scroll back up to see those gems!! It was HILARIOUS. 

Of course, Pasty Arie calms her down, says he'll act as the car Goon to protect her (I gotta get in at least one Goon reference per recap), and the Demolition Derby kicks off!  Everyone is suited up, in helmets and neck guards, but MAN whiplash seems imminent nonetheless.  Sienne wins and later, we learn that not only is she great at demolition derby, she also attended Yale University.

The afterparty is that night and Brittany is too sick to attend (later it sounds like she may have been hospitalized? Dude waaaaah? This pasty snooze is NOT worth it, girl!), which is probably for the best because shit is TENSE.  Everyone looks gorgeous (well, except Arie who is rocking a corny assed cardigan and his face) and after a toast, Single Mother Chelsea pulls Arie away IMMEDIATELY to explain that it's much harder for HER to be there and SHE is really focused on this because she's a single mother and "this is actually really serious to me." Arie has dated numerous single mothers so he's unfazed (which I sort of LOVED b/c she acted like she was about to drop a SUPER UNIQUE BOMB and he was like, OK yeah cool no bigs). Then Chelsea returns to the group and tells them that SHE is really there FOR LOVE because SHE is a mother and it's really, uniquely hard for HER to be there and GOD BLESS, Marikh and Bibiana are both NOT having that and remind her that they ALL have their reasons to be there and they ALL left things behind and they ALL chose this journey.  THANK YOU, ladies! I am never having children and yet, if I went on the show, I'd be "actually really serious" about it also--women who aren't mothers aren't somehow frivolous gals about town--we ALSO want love and partnership.  OK enough of my yakkin!

Slowly, Bibiana is becoming increasingly anxious about things and worried that she won't have 1:1 time with Arie, which she does NOT end up having. That has GOT to be frustrating. Bekah M. aka Poor Man's Rizzo rocks a wildly unflatting, white girl flesh toned turtleneck  (A TURTLENECK) and makes out with Arie just after he does a dorky shoulder shrug. 

Finally the group date is almost over and Arie has to give out a rose.  He fakes out Chelsea (DELICIOUS) and hands it to Sienne.  Nice werk!

The next day is the cocktail party and let me cover it quickly:
-Bibiana looks gorgeous (love that one shoulder thing) and aint got NO TIME for Krystal's fake nicey nicey bullshit and I am Team Bibiana on this one. After Krystal grabs Arie away from other girls TWICE (even though she has a rose), Miami's own Bibiana tells Krystal that "there's a lot of angry people here and I'm just the voice" then legit STAND UP, says "mic drop" and walks out. BIBS RULZ.
-Baby Rizzo Bekah is wearing no bra (lights out NIPS OUT) and a T-shirt material dress, it seems, plus a fur coat (huh) and mid-make out tells Arie "I'm simple, I'm not drama, I'm easy to please" which is a line straight out of the Cool Girl Handbook and it makes me want to puke, but Arie eats it up.
-Sienne informs Arie that she is MUCH smarter and more cultured than he is.
-Krystal tells Arie that she has missed him (they were apart for, what, a day?).

It's rose ceremony time and Becca K., Krystal, and Sienne are safe and have roses. Who else scores flowers that you could buy a corner bodega?
-Maquel - blonde white girl from Utah rocking a dusty rose bandage dress that is too big for her. Bad look.
-Jacqueline - brunette white girl in low cut, 70s style, satin dress and hoops.
-Bekah - tween who resembles an old woman playing a teenager in Grease and recites lines from every dude's dream girl fan fiction. Next up she'll  be like, "I eat SO MUCH and I'm addicted to GIVING HEAD!"
-Jenna - blonde white girl in a green dress with shoulder cut outs SO large that the arms of her dress are straps and wrist pieces--very weird.
-Chelsea - Mom from Hell (Portland, Maine).
-Lauren S. - blonde white girl w/ long hair, cool maroon dress. She has kept a low profile and I can dig it.
-Kendall - faux hipster who is trying MUCH too hard and was apparently featured on a disgusting episode of Fear Factor that never aired! My sweet college friend Zach dug up the clip! Watch it here, if you dare!
-Brittany - black girl who got some major whiplash during the demolition derby, rocking a black dress with cool neckline.
-Ashley - girl who didn't get a date this week so was extremely anxious, but should perhaps "put on a lip" as they say.
-Marikh - girl who owns the Indian restaurant with her mother sporting a SLINKY, metallic dress that looks like it is made of rust-colored latex and I LOVE IT.
-Caroline - brunette white girl in a red dress that's very "Pretty Woman" and looks lovely.
and the last rose goes to.....
-Bibiana - Miami's spiciest export who, I am hoping, will stop being polite (about waiting for her turn with Arie) and start getting real!

So which ladies traveled to LA only to earn a few hundred more Twitter followers from this bizarro experience?
-Valerie - redhead white girl who doesn't seem to understand what it means to find colors that flatter you.
-Lauren G. - black girl with long hair and a RAD, sparkly dress who I seemed super cool AND can spot a pair of Loubouton's at 50 paces
-Jenny - blonde white girl who was SUPER snarky and sarcastic and, in one clip, mocked Arie's age to his face. She walked out without saying goodbye, then when he followed her, she said that she was sad, but NOT sad to leave him, rather, sad to leave her friends! What a shameless burn as you exit. I giver her credit.

When Arie wants a hug but you aint in a hugging mood

I'll watch episode 3 live and I'm bracing myself for more fake nicey antics out of Krystal and even fewer bras out of Baby Rizzo aka Behak M.

Bachelor Arie: Our National Nightmare Commences

FRIENDS!!!

Greetings!  Hello!  Happy new year!  Happy 2018!  Here we go!

A few weeks ago, when ABC released the headshots of all the assorted Laurens who would be vying for the affections of The Bachelor's least hot and most boring participant ever, Arie, I meant to write up a run-down of who I thought would last long, who would be the resident Mean Girl, and such.  But I didn't have time because I was busy promoting my debut standup album, SEEN BETER DAYS! The album's release and promotional push were AMAZING and my baby was #1 on the iTunes comedy charts for 2 days!  It was all super fun.  I got some great write-ups on Splitsider and chatted with cool people on great podcasts such as Keith and the Girl and elsewhere.  Fun, busy times overall. 

So I didn't have time to prepare for this season but ALSO--I must be honest with you, dear reader--I have been dreading this season.  I simply don't like Arie at ALL.  During Emily's season I found him to be really drab and pasty.  Being pasty isn't a cardinal sin, but I just don't like it!  He just always seemed like quite a snooze to me.  Alas, I suspect that Bachelor producers were in a bit of a pickle with picking the next Bachelor (Luke was HOT and I used to be truly Team Luke, but he has revealed himself to be a shameless wanna-be country music star and I feel gross for even writing that sentence).  Despite how ABC spins it, I think that it's surprisingly difficult to recruit a person to be the main character in this bizarro romance circus. It's a select group of people who can leave their job for 6 months, date an assortment of bonkers participants, then potentially live a life of D list fame for the remainder of their days, ya know?  So I guess they went with Arie this go round.

WHY WHY WHYYYYYY???????

We last saw Arie five years ago when he was the runner up in gorgeous Emily Maynard's season (she went with Jef, a tiny, Mormon, Robyn look-alike). On that season, he proved to be quite pasty and--allegedly--a really good kisser.

QUICK ASIDE: Can we talk about how EASY it is to be a good kisser?  Just be responsive to the other person!  It's truly NOT VERY HARD at all.  I'm a good kisser (thank you very much) and guys have repeatedly remarked on that to me, which is very nice, but also I always say, "well yeah you just respond to what the other person is doing and sorta mirror their style." This aint rocket science, people!  

OK so let's dive in.  As much as "I wish I could quit you," Bachelor franchise, I cannot.  So last night from 8:00 to 10:00pm I was on my couch, witnessing Lauren after Lauren pile out of stretch limos and watching a Rizzo look-alike sporting a choker avoid questions about her age. Man oh man are we really doing this again?  We are.  And let's get to it.

Arie is a professional race car driver who decided to change careers (OF HIS OWN VOLITION, RIGHT???) and become a realtor peddling giant vacation homes in Arizona.  Hey, we can't all live in Days of Thunder forever, I suppose. He's 36 and ready to settle down and start a family of pasty bores.  Or so he says.

The first night is standard fare--a flurry of gorgeous women in sparkly gowns introducing themselves to Arie and a handful of dumb jokes.  We see the arrival of FOUR Laurens in a row (I love that producers put them all in a single limo, it seems), one pushy Mean Girl (Chelsea the single mother from Portland, ME), one girl who takes a weird mysterious identity bit way too far (Annaliese in the face mask--cool imprints in your face, girl!), and everyone interrupting everyone else so as to score a MOMENT with Arie. 

A few quick thoughts/takeaways: 

-Kendall the girl who LOVES taxidermy and plays the ukulele is like a watered down hipster wanna-be and it is all just too twee for me. Barf. Also she rolled up in a sparkly nightgown like some sort of fancy Wendy Darling of Peter Pan Fame.

Hi, I'm Amber and I own a spray tan salon--
wait--OK, sure you can cut in.

-The two most magical moments that happened in the entire 2 hours were both of the interactions between Arie and a forgettable ombre-ish blonde/ish brunetteish girl named Amber (that's her photo here).  She interacted with him only two times and in both of those interactions, the only information that she communicated to him was that she owns a spray tan salon.  She literally met him at the door and was like, "I own a spray tan salon" (and made a crass joke), then had a MOMENT with him by the pool and she repeated that she owns a spray tan salon, then she was interrupted.  IT WAS HILARIOUS.  Oh sweet, sweet Amber, you are too simple for this world.

-As far as dress style, the big thing was cut outs (all over the place) and showing off your lower back. Also, and I have asked this question before, but does no one on this show EVER have a single frigging freckle or mole!? I can't be the only grown woman out there with some moles, can I? Am I weird? My new "thing" for 2018 is LOVE (self love, romantic love, not giving my heart to underemployed, tax evading "directors" who are narcissists and mislead people), so I am trying to love my moles but what's a girl gotta do to get some representation!!??!? Where my freckly knockouts at!?!?

-As usual, we had a blonde, Mormon knockout (Maquel), a girl who is friends with a Bachelor alum (Tia, Raven's Arkansan pal), and a few dramatic entrances in cars to piss off the girls who were already inside. 

Shockingly, no one got super wasted during that first night and preditcably, Arie gave the First Impression Rose to an overconfident nightmare (Chelsea), thereby creating a monster.  To save my sanity and your time, let's do a quick run-down of who got roses, who was sent home.

ROSES: 
-Chelsea - Portland ME single mom who will cut a bitch for face time with Arie--I  mean, who just knows what she wants and who is on an expedited timetable because she left her child to be on a reality TV dating show across the country from her home. From the jump she was overly familiar with Arie and I found it really manipulative.
-Becca K. - brunette, white woman publicist from Minneapolis whose black dress with cutouts and overlays was dramatic and cool, brought letters from her mom.
-Marikh - Salt Lake City, Utah owner of Indian restaurant with her sweet mama rocking a gorgeous maroon, lacey dress.
-Kendall - blonde, white lady hipster chick whose ukulele songs are tiresome as hell. I hate people who try so hard to be weird or quirky that it feels really deliberate and performative. Blech.
-Lauren G. - black woman in black dress with silver decorative beading on the back who did a pineapple taste test with Arie and made a cute joke.
-Krystal - smiley, very bubbly blonde, white lady in a killer red dress who I think will eventually wear on me, but for now, I really, REALLY like. Her brother is homeless and has rejected help and that has inspired her to help homeless people. She just seems pretty earnest and sweet and I dig it.
-Bekah - a poor man's Rizzo who is out past her bedtime (she's the one who evades questions about her age).  I mean, is this not the same person?

-Lauren S. - social media manager, 31, white girl with long, blonde hair, cute black dress. Seems sweet. 
-Sienne - 27, black girl from California who gave him elephant cuff links (cute move). Love her super low cut, black dress.
-Caroline - 26, brunette, white lady realtor who lives in Florida but is a MASSACHUSETTS NATIVE THEREFOR I WILL  BE ROOTING FOR HER ALL SEASON!!! Also her first night look was fierce--gorgeous mermaid cut white dress with good cleavage being shown, perfectly curled hair. Overall, super solid look, great work flirting with Arie.
-Brittany T. - marketing manager from LA whose bumper sticker opening line was a bit too much for me (she literally PUT a bumper sticker ON Arie's butt--yikes--boundaries, please!) but then she did a little motorized car race thing with Arie that was VERY sweet and silly. Solid work. 
-Bibiana - Exec Assistant, 30, Miami. I found her hair MUCH too casual for the event (a sloppy low bun? FOR NIGHT ONE???? COME ON, GIRL) but she seems spunky, which I dig. 
-Annaliese - white woman in the face mask as a joke about the "Kissing Bandit."  No thank you.
-Jenna - 28, Raleigh NC native, blonde, white girl in a royal blue dress and silver shoes. Her dress has, as is all the rage, cutouts on her hips which are NOT easy to pull off. Also she's just a LOT to take. She's very expressive with her hands and throughout the episode she's just TOO MUCH. The kids today would call her "extra" I think. She reminds me of party girls I knew in college who were perfectly fun but also, on the verge of being batshit insane.  And were forever losing their meal cards or forgetting to pack before break.  Just like, WOA.  Shall we nickname her Hurricane Jenna? Why not.
-Valerie - 25, Nashville TN, white girl in yellow dress with purplish/reddish hair. I don't see her being around too long. I also see that hair color fading QUICKLY (as red always does).
-Jacqueline - 26, Research Coordinator from West Virginia (mountain mama), white girl with dark hair, maroon dress who is very authentic, it seems. She even made a joke about him that struck me--asking him to "just look cute." Ha!
-Jenny - 25, Chicago, IL, white girl, bright pink dress, blonde hair. She's an artist and had drawn a pencil rendering of Arie in which he looked SUPER HOT, so obviously she's not great at accuracy in her art.

These are two different people, apparently? 

-Lauren B. - 25, sparkly, silver dress, long, blonde hair, white girl. I retained by little about her because the first night was a deluge of blonde women and women named Lauren, so the Venn Diagram where they overlap is just a dead zone for me. 
-Ashley - 25, real estate agent (gosh realtors haven't gotten this much buzz since... well, ever) with dark hair and a super cute, very sparkly cocktail dress. She walked in and gave Arie a little race car flag thing, which was cute. 
-Tia - brunette white girl who is BFF with Bachelor alum Raven. Tia hails from a small town in Arkansas called Weiner and when she met Arie, she handed him a small weiner and made a joke that she hopes he doesn't already have a small weiner and HE COMPLETELY DIDN'T GET THE JOKE. Don't get me wrong, it's a hella corny joke and I HATE childish sexual innuendo like that, but Arie was like, "yeah, no, I don't have one of these, thanks" LIKE A CLUELESS DOLT.  BUH. 
-Maquel - platinum blonde white lady who is 23 and READY TO GET MARRIED (buh), works as a "professional photographer" (read: lives at home and occasionally photographs friends' events, wants to be pregnant yesterday).  As she came down to claim her rose, she scolded Arie, saying "why did you do that to me?" which was super sensitive to the 6 women being sent home--really kind of her.

GOING HOME 
-Amber - Spray Tan owner girl. As they say on Ru Paul's Drag Race, Sashay, Away but I'll remix it for Amber to say, Sa-SPRAY, Away.
-Ali - forgettable dirty blonde haired white girl who asked Arie to give her a "sniff check" when she entered. Note to self, don't attempt to flirt with a guy by ASKING HIM TO SMELL YOUR ARMPITS. Good Lord are we in 8th grade? Speaking of 8th grade flirting techniques, ya know who else went home....
-Bri - (yes apparently that is somehow her FULL NAME and not a SPELLING ERROR)- 25 year old sports reporter, brunette white girl from Oregon who entered by exclaiming "think fast" and CHUCKING a baseball at Arie.  Oh man I HATE shit like that. It's just so obnoxious and I pity people who think that these are valid flirting moves in adulthood. Good riddance.
-Brittane J. - 27, marketing manager from San Diego who looked like a brunette Blac Chyna.
-Nysha - 30, orthopedic nurse from SC who was SO damn skinny! Seemed super sweet but perhaps didn't push hard enough to have face time with Arie.
-Olivia - maybe? I can't keep track of that happened with her, so if she pops up next week, don't be surprised.  Look, tracking all these gorgeous ladies isn't a cakewalk.
-Jessica - gorgeous white lady newscaster whose red, flowy dress was a lil "country's night out" for my taste, but she seemed sweet albeit INTENSE. She referenced the fact that her deceased father has met Arie and how much she loves that fact and I think that it was a major turnoff for Arie. Just a lil too much too soon.
-Lauren J. - blonde, white lady in white dress with big, green earrings (fun look) who was probably the only remotely age appropriate participant for Arie, so she HAD TO GO!!!

Bachelor producers left us with a preview of what is to come this season and there will be drama surrounding Bekah's age (which is quite ironic since Stockard Channing was infamously VERY OLD to be playing the role of Rizzo in Grease and her look alike Bekah is VERY YOUNG to be trying to secure a proposal from a 36 year-old-race-car-driver-turned-realtor who has already been publicly rejected on national TV once before), Bibinia will NOT have time for your drama (YESSSSS!), and Arie will drive a Jet Ski while making out with a blonde chick who is straddling him.  The ONLY thing that might make this season bearable is if Arie starts acting like Kenny Powers.  We can only hope.

Arie is disgusting 

Kenny Powers is the best

What did you think of opening night!?!??