Bachelorette Emily Recap: Episode 2

Before we begin: Reader, if you are looking for my essay about jealousy and positive mantras, it's right below here (click on "Older Posts" to read it--it's called "Eyes On Your Own Paper"). This entry is a recap of the mystical show 'The Bachelorette."  Feel free to read both! OK, let's get to smack-talkin! 

Last night's episode of The Bachelorette included Miss Piggy & Kermit (the greatest couple in the world), a "Rainbow Connection" sing-along (which is ironic since The Bachelor's producers would NEVER showcase a same-sex couple), and American Psycho (Kalon) turning up the American Psycho to 11.

The guys are all bunking in the Charlotte, NC mansion that Kalon refers to as a "frat house from hell on steroids" and I'm loving every gratuitous shot of tan thugs in swim trunks.  Chris Harrison kicks off the episode by telling them how this week will play out.  First off will be a 1:1 date for one lucky guy, then a group date for 13 not-so-lucky guys, and finally another 1:1 date.  Remember how the 1:1 dates go, sweet pussycats--the guy must pack his bags before the date.  So he goes on the date knowing that he's either returning to the (frat) house (from hell on steroids) triumphantly with a rose on his collar, or being shuttled off in a livery car, never to be seen again (except on an even lower D list reality TV show in which he can leverage his fame as a Bachelorette reject). 

The first 1:1 date card is for Ryan, the personal trainer with a razor sharp jaw, dimples, and bad hair.  Emily picks him up and they bake cookies at her house, which he seems completely disappointed by, despite his insistence that he's having a great time.  They drive to little Ricki's soccer game to give her team the cookies, but Ryan waits in the car like a creepy weirdo who isn't allowed within 50 feet of children.  It's a good call, though--Emily isn't going to have little Ricki meet all of these dudes and she's right to do that.

Speaking of navigating the world of single-parenting: while Ryan and Emily are on cookie duty, back at the house all the dudes are poolside, talking about parenting.  Tony and Doug have a lot to say, since they both left kids at home to be on the show.  Kalon makes a careless comment that Emily has "put being a mom on hold" to do this show, and Doug jumps on him, saying that a parent NEVER just "puts it on hold" and that it's hard to balance a child and career or relationships.  I'm with Doug and so is the rest of the house.  And with that, American Psycho has managed to alienated everyone in the house.  (For Bach die-hards: Kalon is this season's Courtney or Vienna or the guy who broke Man Code from Jillian's season).  In Kalon's defense, he was probably raised by a nanny and then sent to boarding school at age 4, so I'm sure that his knowledge of parenting is limited.

Back on the 1:1 date, Emily and Ryan have gotten dressed up and go out to dinner on the town.  After dinner, Emily's "favorite" band (read: the band that ABC could afford to book) plays a concert, during which Emily and Ryan dance on an elevated stage in the midst of Charlotte locals.  Overall, a cute date, and Ryan goes home with a rose.

The date card has arrived at the mansion and Alejandro (Menudo-looking Colombian), Alessandro (shaggy haired Brazilian), Nate (bland), Tony (squirrely single dad), Stevie (professional dance machine/cheeseball), Michael (long haired Austin dude), Jon (Wolf), Jef (hipster), Charlie (sweet guy who broke his whole body in a porch collapse), Kyle (teacher), Aaron (bland), and Kalon (caused 2008 economic collapse) are the picks.  Emily's note says, "Let's set the stage for love" and Captain Obvious Stevie immediately blurts out that they MUST be performing on the date, which he loves cause he's a PARTY MC, people! 

The next day they report to a theater and learn their fate: the 13 guys and Emily will be putting on a family-friendly variety show, along with the Muppets.  Yes, Miss Piggy, Kermit, and Fozzie Bear are there to show these boys how it's done.  Fozzie teaches a few of the guys how to do standup (painful to watch), another group of guys learn an opening dance number (and Stevie gets a dance solo with Miss Piggy, which has got to be better than his usual gig of DJ-ing New Jersey bar mitzvahs), and a few other guys sing or whatever.  It's cute and we learn that Charlie's injuries (from the porch collapse incident) were so bad that he has a speech impediment and has a hard time speaking extemporaneously.  You'd think he'd score a rose for performing despite this hardship, but nope--at the wrap party, Emily instead gives a rose to pomadour hipster Jef.  (Note: big ups to Greg Pope for correcting me on Charlie's injuries.  Originally I said "car accident" but Pope set me straight.  Dude knows his Bach information!) The photo below is a good summation of the day: Stevie (left) is earnest and overcommitted, Chris (middle) is hot and doesn't really care, Kalon (right) wishes this show were called Millionaire Bachelorette, so he wouldn't be forced to associate with the 99%. 



The wrap party wasn't completely disappointing, though, as Stevie and Kalon have words.  Stevie tells Kalon (who he calls "Chopper" because he can't remember Kalon's weird name) that he doesn't like him and that he's an uppity snob.  Kalon refers to himself as "eloquent" and says that Stevie is wise to be threatened by him.  I wish these two would fistfight.

The final 1:1 is with Joe, the sweet-faced guy with slicked-back hair (but he pulls it off) and nice eyes.  Emily and Joe hop on a private jet bound for West Virginia (a place where not many private jets touch down, I'm guessing) and visit The Greenbrier, a hotel and resort that Emily used to visit as a child.  It resembles the resort from "Dirty Dancing" and if only Emily and Joe had the chemistry of Baby and Johnny Castle.  They go swimming, then clean up and have a romantic dinner beneath a clock that's some sort of magical wish-giving clock.  Over dinner, Emily asks Joe where he sees himself in 5 years and Joe evades the question by asking Emily where SHE sees HERSELF in 5 years. Have you been taking conversation lessons from a sub-par therapist, Joe?  After that, they write their wishes on paper, read them aloud, and then put them in the wish-giving clock.  The wish-giving clock must be broken, because I doubt Joe's wish was for Emily to start crying and then unceremoniously send him home, but that's what happened. 

Soon it's time for another cocktail party and rose ceremony. Ryan gave Emily a hand-written, 7 page letter that she read aloud while Tony awkwardly stood there with the two of them.  Hello, Third Wheel! 

Let's get to the 'ole handing-out-of-the-roses, shall we?  Who didn't get dropped like a watermelon being carried to a party by Baby?  -Kalon (Snob City, USA, population: 1)
-Arie (race car driver, they had some good chat at the cocktail party)
-Michael (inoffensive, long hair, he'll last a few more weeks)
-Nate (highly forgettable)
-Sean (blonde guy who MIGHT be a psychopath)
-Chris (intense eyes, they had a good chat at the wrap party)
-Doug (having an 11 year old at home is paying off IN SPADES)
-Travis (dude who brought the ostrich egg)
-Tony (had to watch Ryan & Emily fall in love moments before)
-Jon (WOLF! The all-time most boring WOLF)
-Alessandro (the language barrier is keeping him alive in this game)
-Charlie (sweet guy, but might not have enough edge for Emily)
-Alejandro (he's only on The Bachelorette until his new Menudo cover band takes off)
Who scored the FINAL ROSE?  
-Mr. Pump Up The Jam himself, STEVIE!

So who got rejected on national TV and what can wear learn from them?
-Aaron (if you are a biology teacher and you wear hipster glasses, sometimes you just end up looking like a mad scientist)
-Kyle (sometimes it's important to develop something called a personality)

In the "scenes from next week" segment, we saw Emily throw a giant egg on the driveway, which either means that Travis is going home OR Emily friggin' HATES omelettes.  Find out next Monday!

Eyes On Your Own Paper

I've been reading a lot of articles on the fantastic website xoJane recently.  xoJane is a site founded by Jane Pratt, a woman who was the founder and editor of (much beloved) Sassy magazine, and more recently Jane magazine.  She's a wonderfully ubiquitous presence in the media and her latest project is just as stellar as the other items on her impressive resume.

One article from xoJane really stood out to me recently.  It's one in their section called "It  Happened to Me" (a fascinating section that showcases a variety of real experiences and viewpoints) and the article is, It Happened to Me: I Went to College with HBO's New It Girl Lena Dunham, and I'm Seething with Jealousy.  

The author, Ella West, attended Oberlin College with Lena Dunham and took some classes with her.  I give Ella a TON of credit for sharing her candid feelings and for being unflinchingly honest.  That's not easy, especially in this day and age of anonymous internet commenters and the bile they are wont to spew.  At points in the article, Jane Pratt weighs in with commentary, which is a nice way to temper a piece that could be construed as whiny and a bit self-pitying.  In the article, Ella talks about a very unbecoming situation: being jealous of a peer.  

My artist/performer/writer friends and I talk about this type of thing a lot--navigating the waters of being a productive and prolific artist, balancing a day job (in many cases), all while trying to achieve your dreams and watching peers achieve their dreams, be it in the form of a late night TV spot, or a job writing for a TV show, or selling a book, or whatever.  It's certainly hard to keep a good head on your shoulders through it all, but more often than not, my friends and I are not "seething with jealousy" for our fellow comedians, writers, or actors.  I hold onto a few handy sayings (that I have learned from friends, family, and experience) and I'd like to share them with Ella and you:

-Eyes On Your Own Paper
This one comes from my wonderful comedian friend Katina (who just reminded me that she learned it from yet another awesome comedian, Matt McCarthy.)  Comparing yourself to other people is an exercise in frustration--just don't do it.   Maybe your peers are getting auditions for a festival you want or being cast on an improv team that you wish you were a part of--none of that matters.  Focus on YOU.  If you're frustrated with your career, get to work on changing it.  Don't waste time seething with jealousy over a peer who got an opportunity that you want--eyes on your own paper. 

-Stop Looking For Justice
My sister Laurel and I talk about this a lot.  You are a fool if you think that fairness or justice will EVER apply to anything in this life.  People who are mean and awful sometimes land TV shows or get coveted jobs or [insert what you want here] and it does NOT affect YOUR journey.  If you pull your hair out every time Joe Schmoe Unfriendly Guy gets a good opportunity, you're going to be bald soon.

-A Rising Tide Lifts All Boats
So a guy who you knew from your old sketch group is now writing for a hit TV show.  Good for him.  Don't spiral into, "How did David get that job when he never even seemed that funny?  Why not me, why not me?"  "Why Not Me" is the name of a beautiful song by the Judds, but it's an ugly way to live.  Sure, you're allowed have a moment of jealousy as you digest this new information about your peer David's new job, but then remember that a rising tide lifts all boats.  Perhaps, if that hit TV show ever needs another writer, your old friend David will think of you and recommend you.  And just be happy for your peer--you have no idea how hard he was working or how much he was writing at home, alone, to score that job.

-Just Do The Work
Quit wasting time wondering who is having a meeting with Comedy Central or who got a callback for the Montreal festival or who just landed an agent or just got dropped by their agent--just do the work.  Just write and practice and prepare and put in the time and develop and work at it.  You can't control what opportunities other people get--you can only control how hard you work. 

 -There's an Infinite Number of Pathways to Success and an Even More Infinite Number of Definitions of Success
This one is mine.  I wrote it to an ex-boyfriend in an email a few years back.  He was trying to make me feel bad about not having a commercial agent at the time and he thought that having a commercial agent was VERY important.  It was important--to him.  It wasn't important to me back then, and he couldn't wrap his brain around that.   He and I had different definitions of success and that's totally fine.  For some people, "success" is landing a national commercial.  For other people, "success" is selling a book.  For others, "success" is buying a house.  For others, "success" is being made a Vice President within their company.  For others, "success" is having children.  They are all the right answer.  You choose for you.

-Go Where You're Celebrated, Not Tolerated
My lovely friend Giulia Rozzi introduced me to this phrase (and she learned it from another rad lady, Margot Leitman, who saw it on a poster in college) and it's fantastic.  Do you feel like you're banging your head against a wall trying to break into this one comedy club or getting cast on a team at this one theater or getting this one agent to look at you?  Stop trying to convince those people to like you and move on.  Go to another theater or group or agent who understands and appreciates you and your voice and your talent.   

-It's a Marathon, Not A Sprint
My sister Laurel and I quote this one a lot.  I would never want to be an overnight, flash-in-the-pan sensation who gets thrust into the public eye before I am ready.  I was terrible when I first started at standup and I'm SO glad that few people saw it (and that there weren't video camera phones back then).  It takes a while to find your voice and write a book or a script or a web series.  It's a long haul, so don't freak out if you didn't land that one opportunity this year.  There's always more opportunities right around the corner.

-Vienna Waits For You/The Wheel Comes Back Around
I'm not sure if I have that second part exactly right, but it's something that my brother-in-law Bobby heard in a martial arts movie (my brother-in-law writes MMA movies--no joke.  He rules, as does my other bro-in-law Jon and my other sister Emily, but I digress).  For a lot of improv theaters, there's one big round of auditions once a year and TONS of people walk away from those auditions feeling rejected.  But then there's another round next year.  And in the meantime, there are plenty of indie teams you can join and shows that you can produce yourself.  There's no such thing as THIS IS THE ONE THING.  There are plenty of things and they'll all come in time.  So maybe you didn't do so well at a big audition this year--there's always next year.  And in the year between, you can work hard and improve and develop.  So maybe you didn't get put on Such-and-Such Tourco, but perhaps another theater will come knocking and you'll be free to jump on THAT opportunity BECAUSE you didn't get cast with that other theater.  

These are just a few things that occurred to me as I read Ella's article.  I know it sounds hippy-dippy, but each one of us is on his or her own journey and nothing is a bigger waste of time, energy, and brain power than jealousy. 

Bachelorette Emily- episode 1 recap

Last night was episode 1 of Emily's season of The Bachelorette and it felt like being back on campus after summer break.  We're all relaxed from the summer, have new shoes and fresh haircuts, and we're ready to go again!  Bring on the parade of losers!

But before I rag on 25 strangers, let's talk about Emily for a moment.  Perhaps you have a life and are not a "Bach" die-hard like me.  That's fine.  You can enjoy your face-to-face activities and relationships and leave it to me to keep you up-to-date all things Bach.  I'll donate my Monday nights to Bachelorette yet again (to my beloved Monday night Total Body Conditioning teacher: I shall see you when Emily has found love via reality TV, and not a moment before).  Emily was on The Bachelor during Brad Womack's 2nd season (yes, the loser did it twice) and she even WON that season.  Yes, Emily and Brad were engaged.  A bit of background on Emily: she has a young daughter (Ricki) who is named after her deceased fiancee, Ricky.  He was a race car driver and died tragically in a plane crash when he was on his way to a race.  So she's a 26 year-old single mom, with no pesky baby daddy drama because he is dead (sorry to be harsh--but that's the scoop, for real) and she's a KNOCKOUT.  She's thin, blonde, beautiful, and sweet.  Honestly, Emily is a life-sized Barbie doll with a sweet, southern drawn and an affinity for the phrase, "Well, golly!"  I wish I were kidding.  She's gorgeous and agreeable.  If she had a bad quality, it would be that perhaps she doesn't bring much to the table, but she seems up for anything and she definitely rolls with the punches in new situations.

She and Chris Harrison catch up and Emily makes it clear that she's looking for a man who she can marry and immediately have a "mini van full of babies."  I'm sure these 25 guys would be happy to oblige.

One new thing this season: the show isn't filming in the same Los Angeles McMansion where all other seasons have taken place.  Production was relocated to Charlotte, North Carolina, so that Emily can be close to Ricki and so that her life isn't completely disrupted.  Good call, Emily!  And it's a nice change of pace for the show, too.

Let's get to the good stuff, shall we?  The producers have picked 25 guys who vie for Emily's affections and we get a taste of them before we even meet them.  There's Jef, who has a wicked pompadour and owns an environmentally-conscious bottled water company (ya know what's the most environmentally conscious way to drink water in a first world country, Jef?  FROM YOUR FRIGGIN' TAP.)  There's Kalon, who reeks of "American Psycho" and admits that he used to be a player, but now he has learned to respect women.  He's a "Luxury Brand Consultant" which means that he's rich and he has rich friends who he occasionally talks to about what they should do with their trust-fund hobby clothing stores.  There's David who is a singer/songwriter from Brooklyn and we get to hear him croon Emily's name while he bangs on his keyboard.  There's Arie who is a race car driver (I hope that Emily is ready for traumatic flashbacks on camera!) and a few others.

Emily waits in the foyer of a gorgeous, Charlotte mansion wearing a dress that is stunning, but a tad Ice Capades-y.  It's a dress with a VERY low-cut back but the dramatic back is covered by tan, stocking-like material like you would see in the Olympics.  That's about as hot as tan hosiery (read: not at all).  If she had landed a Double Axel, I would have been able to see beyond the Ice Capades-y dress, but she didn't.  She just stood there and greeted a deluge of dudes.

The guys' entrances were a mix of lecherous (seriously, almost every guy couldn't seem to get over her beauty and held the hung a little too long), corny (a glass slipper, Tony?), and sweet.  The stand-outs (mostly for bad reasons) in the greeting category were:
-Tony: the aforementioned glass slipper.  He sold the whole Cinderella thing SO hard.  We all know that there's a crew of reality TV producers begging these guys to make memorably mortifying entrances, but just say no!  Just friggin' walk in, be well-dressed, and don't be a toolshed.
-Jef: Jef, his pompadour, and his one f (cause that's all his mama could afford? RAY PRUIT JOKE ALERT), rolled in on a SKATEBOARD while he gripped the back bumper of the limo.  I can only hope that Jef reeked of exhaust fumes when he hugged Emily.
-Randy: Nothing piques a woman's interest more than seeing a potential suitor dressed up as an elderly woman, am I right? Wig, glasses, dress, and cane.  How did they not cover that one in "The Game"?
-Joe: I'm not sure if he was drunk or just overexcited, but he wouldn't stop screaming Emily's name and saying that she's really hot.  Joe, I want to like you, but you gotta CALM DOWN.
-STEVIE: THE MAN I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR!  As you know, last week I read about each potential suitor on ABC.com in advance of the premiere.  Yes, I'm a loser--ZIP IT.  Stevie's bio jumped out at me for so many reasons: (1) He's an adult who goes by "Stevie" and he's not a fictional character from Eastbound & Down; (2) His listed profession is "Party MC" which he later clarified for Emily also includes dancing, DJing, and partying; (3) He hails from New Jersey and I can't decide who is bringing more shame to that state: Stevie, single-handedly OR the cast of The Real Housewives of NJ.  It's a tough call.  Stevie's entrance was so New Jersey that I wanted to pump my own gas and crank up some Springsteen.  He DANCED IN while carrying a boom box.  Oh sweet Lord Emily PLEASE keep Stevie around for comic relief.
-Kalon: American Psycho arrived via helicopter and Stevie hated him on-sight.  I'm gunning for a blue collar vs. white collar brawl at some point this season.

The cocktail party happened and it was pretty standard stuff--some guys had gimmicks (bobble head dolls, stories about single-parenting, champagne at the ready) and there was a lot of "Can I steal her from you?" maneuvers that pervade every first night cocktail party.  Doug scored the first impression rose (he's 33, single father, pretty cute).  Let's get to the good stuff--the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison is back to ding a knife against a champagne flute and get paid sick money for it, so he did his job.  The dudes lined up, and Emily's choices (in order she announced them) were:

Chris: guy who brought bobble head dolls of him and Emily, has intense eyes
Ryan: HOT personal trainer with a great jaw-line but awful hair.
Kalon: American Psycho who will ultimately murder everyone (or something).
Arie: race car driver w/ brown hair.
Charlie: SWEET guy who wore a classic white suit and once got into a car wreck that broke his back, but not his heart.  HEYO!
Jef: skateboard tool.
Nate: completely forgettable and probably won't make it past next week's show.
Sean: hot blonde guy (and I NEVER think blonde guys are hot, so that's saying a lot) who was the 1st guy out of the limo.
Joe: cute, overexcited guy who managed to chill out.
Kyle: completely forgettable.
Aaron: completely forgettable.
Alejandro: Colombian guy who spoke Spanish to Emily and it was cute.
John: A dude who calls himself "Wolf" and is pretty hot, but I can't get beyond the fact that he calls himself "Wolf."
Alessandro: Brazilian guy who has lived in the midwest for a while, so his accent is bonkers.
Michael: musician from Austin who is a pudgier version of Mitch from Dazed & Confused.
Stevie: if you don't know him by now, you will never, ever know him [fist pump].
Tony: other single dad, pulled the corny Cinderella intro.
Travis: built, pretty hot guy who has promised to care for an ostrich egg all season (it symbolizes Emily and Ricki, he says.  I tend to think that it doesn't symbolize anything so much as it IS a baby ostrich just trying to friggin' grow).

So who got the boot on night 1?
Lerone: the only black guy on the show--he has a cute dog and a sick body.
Brent: the guy who said he is a single father of SIX kids and I assumed he was joking, but he wasn't.  I bet he was hoping that The Bachelorette would be a lot more like "Overboard" and he could effectively kidnap a woman to raise his tiny basketball team with an extra tyke on the bench.
Randy: guy who dressed up as an old lady and said, "I think the grandma thing is enough," just before he was sent home.  There's a fine line between memorable and friggin' weird.
Jean-Paul: nice guy, but kinda stiff.
Jackson: the fitness model from Chicago who seemed STUNNED that Emily didn't fall for his muscles.  So stunned that he took off both of his shirts and flexed for the camera as he left. WHAT A COOL GUY!
David: the NY singer/songwriter.  But he belted out "Emily!" in B roll footage! What the heck!?

This season will include lots of travel in Europe and the UK and I can't wait!  My early favorites are Joe (provided he can remain chill), Ryan (provided someone shaves his head while he is sleeping), Charlie, and Sean.

See you next Monday, pussycats!

Kurt & Goldie

As you probably know, yesterday North Carolina voted to expressly bar civil union or marriage between same-sex couples.  There has been a lot of chatter and talk about this issue, so why not throw my hat into the fray? 

In a few weeks, my parents will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary and I will toast them.  Their marriage is an inspiring model for what marriage can be.  They work together, challenge each other, and act as a team.  They each bring a very unique perspective to the table, as they grew up in extremely different circumstances both in their geography and in family size and dynamics.

Despite growing up with this amazing model for a healthy marriage, I have never seen myself as a person who would get married.

Why?

As I say in my standup, I just can't wrap my brain around registering my love with the U.S. government, as one would register a car or a gun.  That isn't a joke--I simply cannot rationalize such a thing.  Would you ever register your relationship with your best friend?  When your co-worker goes from just being a fun co-worker to being a trusted friend, do you put that in writing?  No.  And nor does it seem logical to me to put a romantic relationship in writing.

Also, my "I'm not the marrying type" mindset has been influenced by the plight of many of my friends, because the personal is political.  I have a lot of wonderful gay friends and currently in 44 states of our country, they cannot get married.  They are denied entrance to a club that so many heterosexuals so easily  (and oftentimes, thoughtlessly and frequently) join.  Gays are often accused of leading lifestyles filled with frivolity and irresponsibility, yet when they attempt to "settle down" in the socially acceptable way, they are denied that, too. 

I grew up in a town outside of Boston that had two golf clubs: one for white Christian people and one for white Jewish people.  I can't speak to the Jewish country club, but I remember how and when the Christian country club finally desegregated.  I'm sure that pre-integration, so many of those white golf club members thought, "I'm not a racist!  I care about black people, plenty!  But have ya seen the 18 holes on this course?  I'll join whether or not other races are let in--the clubhouse is gorgeous!"  I just wish that the white members of this country club hadn't been so damn blinded by their own privilege and had thought about what their membership meant.  That by supporting and being a member of a club that patently excluded black people, they were condoning racism.  And that if they REALLY cared about other people and weren't racist, they never would have joined such a club in the first place.

And this is how I feel about marriage, for the most part.  For now, I don't want to be part of a club that rejects so many of my friends and hands out a legal contract for the registration of your love.  Perhaps these views will change, as I live in New York (where same-sex marriage is legal) and I hail from Massachusetts (where same-sex marriage was pioneered) so same-sex marriage is legal where I am.  But the notion of marriage still gives me pause.

I think we can take the wind out of the sails of marriage by not treating it like some magical contract anymore.  If you are in serious, committed relationship for life, decide how you will communicate that and navigate that on YOUR terms.  As a couple, just start wearing rings on your ring fingers.  Or don't.  Get matching tattoos.  Or don't.  Combine your last names and both legally change your name, if you like.  But do it on YOUR terms--not because the government says that this is the "right" way to do it.  Have a loving partnership and a lifelong relationship that YOU know is real, the government and official documentation be damned.

Save The Date: Monday 5/14!

Pussycats!

On Monday, May 14th ABC kicks off a new season of "The Bachelorette" and my life has purpose once again!  Gorgeous, single mom Emily is the bachelorette this season (she won Brad's season, but that fell apart real fast) and I'm sure that she will be great.  You can check out her options on ABC's homepage here:

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/bachelor-announcement

I already see some winners in the bunch (and by "winners" I mean "complete losers"):

-She has a handful of international Romeos.  Interesting choice!
-Arie from The Netherlands answers his lame questionnaire this way:
What is your greatest achievement to date?
Driving in the INDY 500!
 Hey Arie, her late baby daddy was a race car driver and a professional one at that.  You might want to cut it with bragging about race car driving.  Just a tip!
-Charlie is cute, 32, and a native Masshole!  Hell yeah!  I can't tell who messed up the spelling, though.  His hometown is listed as "Worchester, MA."  It's spelled Worcester and pronounced Woosta-- get it right, ABC!
-Jackson is a "fitness model" from Chicago, IL who is spouting off Dave Matthews Lyrics already.  Someone hand me the barf bag, please!
-Joe is 27 and from Florida.  He seems like a bit of a cheesedick, but perhaps a charming cheesedick.
-Kyle is 29 and from California, and he claims that his favorite movies are:
Zoolander, The Notebook, Point Break
Seriously, Kyle?   I suppose I can believe choices 1 and 3, but "The Notebook" is one of your favorite movies?  Stop kissing ass--the show hasn't even begun yet.  Take it easy. 
-Michael is 26 and from TX.  I'll let his awful answer to this question speak for itself:
Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?
John Mayer - His storytelling/lyrics and songwriting
Bruno Mars - He's unique
Justin Timberlake - He's innovative and a pioneer
PSssst Michael-- you know that even before 2002, there was music, right?
-Nate is 25, from AZ, and HE SHALL BE OUR LEADER! 
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
Center of attention – I believe I put here on earth to lead people and spark up enthusiasm within them.
-Ryan is 31, from GA, and a trainer.  Enjoy this gem:
Who is your favorite artist and why?
I believe athleticism is the "Art" of movement. Michael Jordan was an incredible Artist.
OMG OMG OMG you guys he's so profound!
-Stevie (YES, HIS NAME IS STEVIE) is a "PARTY MC" (Yes, listed occupation) from New Jersey!  Emily had BETTER keep this guy around because he will be a GOLDMINE of unintentional comedy.

As always, I will be writing recaps of "The Bachelorette" all season long.  Here we go!