Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 2 Recap

I know, I know, I'm late with this.  This week has been a lil bit kookoo bananas with my recovery from a sweet day at Coney Island beach (WARRIORS 4 LIFE), then a work emergency that had me operating the 'ole publishing machine into the wee hours last night.  Then today was a gorgeous day with low humidity, I was rocking day 2 hair (perfection) and I lost track of time.  But now it's Bach time and I owe you a recap filled with comedic gems about the low-life tools who whore themselves out to ABC in the search for love.

Monday's episode featured all the greatest hits: family drama revealed WAY too early on in a relationship, bad dancing by ALL of the men, and a picnic in an orange grove.

Brooks (effeminate but makes up for it with good hair) scored the first 1:1 date and Desiree picked him up in her convertible Bentley.  They cruised around LA and drove to a bridal shop (because The Bachelorette is doing NOTHING to change the assumption that all women are marriage-minded crazies who just want to be a princess for a day) where Brooks tried on GOOFY TUXES (green! Like a Leprechan and/or the mascot of the greatest basketball franchise in the NBA, the Boston Celtics.  I don't actually know/care if the Celts are any good--I just love any team whose mascot has a complexion as corpse-like as my own!) and Desiree tried on gorgeous dresses (no kidding around with ugly looks for her).  In their wedding getups, they hopped back in the car and Desiree said, "I really felt like we were newlyweds!"  Keep in mind these two LITERALLY met yesterday.  They drove to a cupcake truck (can that trend please DIE OFF? We get it--they're cute & taste great!) then to the Hollywood sign where they sat on the L and talked about life.  Desiree gave us this assessment about Brooks: "When he falls in love, he falls in love." Wise words, Des. Sounds like Brooks is a lot like... everyone I know. That night they drove to a closed bridge where they had a candlelit dinner and Brooks shared the information that his parents are divorced and he didn't speak to his pops from ages 13-19. Talk about a moody teenager!  Just down the bridge was a poor man's Maroon 5-type band (apparently the guy is named Andy Grammer--relation to Kelsey, I wonder?) performing a mid-tempo song about keeping your head up (if ONLY it had been the song of the same name by TuPac, am I right? Now THAT would have been appreciated like a mom who visit you in jail).  Brooks and Desiree "danced to" the song, though their dancing looked more like middle school dance spinning idiocy.  Brooks scored a rose.

Back at the house, 14 dudes discovered that they'd be going on a group date.  The lucky dudes were Dan (white teeth Ken doll), Juan Pablo (the fact that he played pro soccer is the ONLY thing I find appealing about him), Kasey (#WorstGuyEver), Zak K. (Chuck Taylors, seems OK), Will (lone black guy in the house and I give him tons of credit for it), Brian (...zzzzz...), Ben (father who needs a punch in his smug face), Drew (so clean cut dude should be in a soap commercial), Brian (forgettable), James (The Don), Mikey (the #1 best dude in that G-D house who should date ME), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Zack W. (shirtless guy who toned down the bronzer use this week, it seemed), Nick (mole on his cheek), and Brandon (motorcycle dude).

The crew arrived at a beautiful mansion with 3 sports cars in the driveway where Desiree informed them of the day's activity: making a rap video with Souljaboy.  I guess even Souljaboy needs an easy payday every now and then.  The day was pretty funny, with Chuky Swayze showing how funny he can be, Brandon rocking a tiny thong, and the lighting and sound crew hating every moment of their G-D lives (I'd guess).  Watch the finished product here.

At the after party, Zack W. gave Desiree the odd gift of an antique journal that had been inscribed from a father to a daughter but the daughter had never used.  Hey Zack, by "antique journal" are you sure you don't mean "stolen goods from your neighbor"?  The best comment about Zack came from my roommate Liz who walked in and said, "I didn't recognize him with his clothes on."  Seriously.  Ben reminded Desiree that he's really old-fashioned (yup, SO old fashioned that he knocked up a "friend" then exploited his child on network television) and interrupted Mikey's alone time with Desiree.  This did NOT sit well with Chunky Swayze (WHO I AM LOVING!) and Mikey straight-up addressed it with Ben, man-to-man.  Mikey said that Ben seems like a politician and he's really fake and Ben just sort of grinned through it all.  Oh Ben, I hope that Mikey loses his hot, Italian temper on your ass and Chunky Swayze backs him up in that brawl.  (Wouldn't that make for great TV? UFC meets The Bachelorette!)  Brandon has obviously spent too much time alone and when he finally gets 1:1 time with Des, he launches in on a monologue (seriously--she just sat there nodding) about his family, how he's not an Ivy League guy (aww Brandon--those dudes suck! Don't fret, my pet!), and how he's not rich.  It was sweet... but a bit intense.  At the end of the afterparty, Desiree had a rose to give out and she gave it to Ben because on reality TV, being a piece of human garbage somehow ALWAYS pays off.  Blech.

Next 1:1 date went to Bryden (Iraq War vet with a bad haircut) and it was a road trip.  They cruised the Cali coastline, ate fish tacos, flew a kite despite the fact that there was no wind, and Bryden revealed that he doesn't know what Brie is.  Oh Bryden, get ready for your world to be ROCKED by Brie cause that shit RULZ.  Over dinner Bryden shared that he was in a horrible car crash during college and he HAPPENED to have hard copy photos of the wreck in his jacket pocket!  Throughout the episode, it was clear that the producers were like, "this is the week to reveal yourselves, dudes!"  After dinner, Des and Bryden chilled in a hot tub where Bryden awkwardly stared at her until she finally said, "kiss me already."  Nice work, Des.  Bryden scored a rose.

Finally, it was rose ceremony time, but not before Chunky Swayze made his BIG REVEAL to Desiree that he has type I diabetes (no joke--he acted like he was about to drop a BOMBSHELL and I was thinking that he'd reveal that he had Leukemia as a child or something, but diabetes!?  Dude--check your blood sugar regularly, don't eat too much sugar, and STEP OFF) and a few of the guys told Ben that he's a jerk to his face.  I love watching men cat fight!  It feels like I'm watching feminism advance somehow.  Post-fight, Chunky Swayze dropped this gem: "Haven't heard about his son since night 1--wonder how HE's doing!" which was hilarious.  Brian (boring dude) used his 1:1 time with Desiree to talk about staying in a dead relationship (how can that happen? I'm far too trigger happy when it comes to dumping, though, so don't listen to me).

At the rose ceremony, Brooks, Ben and Bryden already had roses because Desiree is a sucker for boring dudes with B names.  Who else scored roses and in what order, you ask?
-James: THE DON! Mafia for life! No one gets out alive!
-Kacey: #He'llBeGoneSoon #GodWilling #HisHairIsTooSpikey #BadPersonality
-Dan: white teeth can't make up for (seemingly) no personality
-Juan Pablo: she asked him if he'd accept this rose en Espanol!
-Brad: umm... who? Dude is wicked generic.
-Chris: pasty & boring. He'll be gone soon.
-Brian: he and Des have so much in common! They both stay in shitty relationships!
-Zack W: that weird journal secured his spot for another week of ab flaunting
-Drew: I pray there's a personality behind that boyish charm, but I bet there isn't
-Mikey: HELL YEAH! YOU RULE! CALL ME!
-Zack: Chuck Taylors is a slow burn, I'm thinking
-Michael: Chunky Swayze proved that he's hilarious & rad this week
-Brandon: apparently your one-man show about your f-ed up family got the girl for once!

So who is going back to life, back to reality (however do you want me...) and what did they do wrong?
-Will: nice guy, but he gave Desiree a lame nickname right away and it was just kinda cheesy (BRIE cheesy, right Bryden? Hahahaha [shoves entire face into chunk of Brie])
-Robert: he was just a set of eyebrows, it seemed. Go back to spinning signs, my friend.
-Nick: he was just a mole on a cheek, it seemed.  Go back to...whatever it is you do (and get that mole checked--seriously--if it changes in shape especially).  Probably the best part of their exits was that Robert referred to being sent home as a "nightmare" and Nick called it "heartbreak."  I don't mean to laugh at their pain but it's just so damn hilarious.

Next week my dream of a UFC-Bachelorette hybrid just might be realized, as I think there will be a fistfight AND I CANNOT WAIT!

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 1 Recap

"Picture like… the best dream you've ever had and times that by ten… and that's what I'm living in." -Desiree, the new Bachelorette

Oh sweet, sweet Desiree.  You're not in 6th grade anymore, so the phrase is actually "multiply that by ten," dreams are assumed to be positive (since they aren't nightmares) so your opening phrase is redundant, and you shouldn't end a sentence with a dangling preposition.  But WHATEVS girl, you're the new BACHELORETTE!  You get to be as dumb as you want AND drive a baby blue convertible Bentley (wish I were kidding—it was like a Bennifer era J. Lo video up in that place).  

Monday night kicked off a new season of The Bachelorette and Desiree (poor man's Katie Holmes from Sean's season) is the lady of the hour (or 8 weeks).  I always prefer seasons of The Bachelorette because I find dudes more fun to mock (I'm a feminist—what do you want from me?) and this batch looks like a doozy.  But  before we met the men, ABC services up a hell of a lot of B roll of Desiree bopping around Malibu: Desiree on roller-skates in a bikini, Desiree sketching on the beach, Desiree chasing seagulls on the beach, Desiree in SO many outfits.  It was quite a montage.  Desiree sat down with intrepid Bachelor/Bachelorette mascot Chris Harrison to discuss how she's feeling at this moment, as she stands on the precipice of taking "the ultimate risk" as she calls it.  The producers hit the "Cinderella" storyline HARD and I'm sure we'll hear a LOT of Cinderella comparisons throughout the season (cause you know how that story goes: poor man's Katie Holmes aka Cinderella has tattooed, mood swing-ey brother and grew up poor then ended up on TV or whatever).  Desiree was on the verge of tears within 3 minutes of the opening credits and she didn't stop until the 2 hour season premier was over.  But let's get to the good stuff: HER SUITORS! 

We learned a bit about a handful of suitors in some pre-shot footage, but let's go over what we know once the limo arrivals started.  Yes, we're back at the Bachelor mansion, which must be outfitted with Valtrex dosing machines in every room for the number of Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad seasons that house has seen.  Who's rolling into Desiree's Domain? 

-Drew: a digital marketing dude from AZ who we learned in the pre-taped segment has an alcoholic dad and handicapped sister (playing the sympathy card RIGHT OUT THE GATE!)  and seems super sweet if a bit immature.  He looks a lot like the young character Billy from Stealing Home (one of the best movies of ALL TIME), so I like him right away.  Seems very genuine. 

-Brooks: has longish hair, which I dig, but an awkward way about him.  Perhaps he'll be a slow burn.  

-Brad: dude is CUT (nice), built like a brick shithouse (nice), has little to no neck (very nice), wears a striped tie (niiiiice), and brings a wishbone so that he and Desiree can make a wish together.  Mama likes. 

-Bryden: Iraq vet who we learned in earlier segment is from Missoula Montana and seems super sweet.  His hair is a little bit Dumb & Dumber, but he's probably just psyched it's not in a buzz cut anymore, so I'll give him a pass. 

-Michael G: a federal prosecutor from FL who comes off as a LITTLE bit overexcited/intense, but he looks like a young Patrick Swayze (circa The Outsiders), so I like him.  He and Desiree throw pennies in the fountain and make a wish.  Mad wishing going on in this episode! 

-Kasey: a social media guy (whatever the hell that "job" is) who I hate immediately.   He has spiky hair, angular features, and speaks in hashtags. I AM NOT JOKING!  Within his first few moments on camera  he legit claimed that he had "made" a hashtag from Desiree (as though that involves actually MAKING something), then recited it to her saying, "hashtag marriage material."  OMG I want to FIGHT you, you loser in lime green soled shoes.  I hope you #GetVotedOffRealQuickAndCryAboutIt. 

-Will: a banker from Chicago who is the lone African American on the show.  He seems sweet, albeit a bit overenthusiastic.  He gives Desiree a goddess nickname right away which is cute and creepy. But he likes Bikram yoga and so do I, so I'll give him a pass.  

-Mikey T: a plumber from Chicago WHO FRIGGITY RULES!  He's like a hot pit bull of good looks, dimples, and family loyalty.  His pants are a little too short and he lights into a speech about the importance of family a little too quickly, but I adore him nonetheless. 

-Jonathan: a lawyer from North Carolina who is a little bit whispery and a whole lot creepy.  He hands Desiree a date card and asks her to go to the "fantasy suite" with I'm right away.  Getting pushy for action upon first meeting a girl, who does this guy think he is, a Duke Lax bro!? (BOOM!) 

-Zak W: a drilling fluid engineer from TX who loves his abs, loves being hairless, and HATES SHIRTS (in his defense, those three specifics tend to go hand-in-hand).  He asks Desiree if she will "accept these abs" and she awkwardly accepts.  Yowza.  Somebody get that guy a Xanax. 

-James: a 27 year old from Chicago who looks like a mixture of Young Republican and Mafia Don.  

-Larry: a 34 year old ER doctor with glasses who tries to dance with Desiree and dip her, but manages to almost rip her dress. 

-Nick R: a tailor/magician from Chicago who does a trick for Desiree.  Yes, this guy is a MAGICIAN.  He is this season's version of Stevie (the resident pity bid/loser of Emily's season who was a professional party MC and was blatantly picked by producers for mean-spirited laughs).  

-Zack K: I feel like I'm in the midst of a Zack Attack, even though this is only our 2nd Zack of the night.  He's a book publisher based in CA with no neck, a barrel chest, and a pair of Chuck Taylors.  I can't decide if I hate this guy just yet. 

-Diogo: dude rolls up in a suit of ARMOR.  Yes, the producers always get pushy with at least one person (last season it was Lindsay who arrived drunk and in a wedding gown on night #1) and this episode of was sweet Diogo who hardly speaks English.  Ahh well.  Drink up, kiddo, cause you're not sticking around. 

[Note from inside the house: when Diogo entered in his suit of armor, everyone laughed at him pretty hard, but no one laughed harder than the shirtless jag Zak.  Apparently even losers have a pretty strict hierarchy.]

-Chris: a pasty mortgage broker from Seattle who gets down on one knee in front of Desiree… TO TIE HIS SHOE!  Somebody has been reading "The Game" am I right!? 

-Mike R: a dental student who wears his dentist lab coat to remind Desiree that he gets covered in spit for a living. 

-Robert: an Los Angelino who invented the spin sign.  Have you ever been driving along a deserted, suburban-style road in Los Angeles and seen an underpaid, hungry person spinning a sign to encourage you to visit the nearby car wash or dry cleaner? It's the most depressing thing in the world AND YOU CAN THANK ROBERT FOR THAT ONE!  But wait, he has a one eyed dog so maybe he's not a total jerk wad? 

-Juan Pablo: a former pro soccer player from Venezuela who repeats his name about a dozen times for Desiree.  She finds this hot, I do not. 

-Brandon: rolls up with a bandana over his face (like he's about to commit a robbery ON DESIREE'S HEART!) and on a motorcycle.  Earlier  in the episode we learned that Brandon is an "adrenaline junkie" whose mom is an actual junkie. (Brandon and Drew are toe-to-toe with good looks and hot, traumatic backstories!) 

-Brian: a forgettable 29 year old finance dude who rocks a velvet dinner jacket.  Eh.  

-Micah: a law student who designed his own outfit (and it's horrible). 

-Nick M: a 27 year old with a cheek mole (it's hard to differentiate these guys!) who reads a cute poem. 

-Dan: a beverage sales director from Las Vegas with WICKED white teeth & a hot face.  Keep him around, pls. 

And just when you think you've seen every POSSIBLE iteration of shameless entrance on The Bachelorette, a dude sends his 5 year old SON out the limo with a flower.  Brody is the little boy and coming out the limo right after him is a tall drink of BORING water, Ben.  Ben explains that Brody is his best friend and the most important thing in his life (but thankfully a best friend/super important thing who you can hand off to your mother for 8 weeks or so while you make out with a stranger all over the world). 

And with that, all 25 beaus have assembled and Desiree has greeted them all.  Exhausting, huh?  The cocktail party is standard fare: Nick the magician says that he has a magic trick for everyone and his "trick" is that he makes Desiree disappear OFF WITH HIM! Aww snap Nick!  The boys back at New Trier Middle School are going to DIE when they hear about that one!  There's a whole lot of interrupting, Ben is grinney and smug as hell (especially after he scores the first rose), and Jonathan gets shitfaced.  Proud Papa Ben explains that family is the most important thing in the world (but not important enough to marry your lone child's mother, apparently); Brandon talks about his mom's alcoholism (standard small talk, no?); shirtless Zak stays shirtless until he strips down to his undies and jumps in the pool; Bryden talks about his dog; Juan Pablo comes off as a bit needy yet patronizing; Michael G looks more and more like a Chunky Swayze; Mikey T flashes his dimples and makes fun of Nick the magician (OMG MIKEY CALL ME!); Larry apologizes for making Desiree trip on her dress hem and then seems to fall asleep.  Lots of excitement.  Jonathan attempts to drag Desiree to his created "fantasy suite" which prompts her to send him home immediately (good girl), then before you know it, it's rose ceremony time.  Des has been giving out roses during the cocktail party, so a few lucky suitors already have boutteniers (Ben, Bryden, Zak W (pity rose), Nick, Michael G (chunky Swayze)) and who else gets 'em? 

-Brandon (pinstripe suit, motorcycle entrance) 

-Zack K (Chuck Taylors) 

-Will (Chicago Bikram boy) 

-Brooks (longer hair, lil effeminate) 

-Juan Pablo (his name is a joke) 

-Brett (dude is THICK) 

-Kasey (#WorstGuyEver) 

-James (Mafia Don) 

-Robert (spinning signs!) 

-Brian (velvet jacket—he'll be gone soon unless he finds a personality) 

-Dan (white teeth Vegas dude) 

-Chris (pasty, bended knee Boys II Men dude) 

-Mikey (THE CUTEST GUY IN THE WORLD! HELL YEAH! But I hope Desiree dumps him soon so I can twitter stalk his sweetness!) 

Who got sent home? 

-Nick (magician who is somehow smug as SHIT despite the fact that he's a non-hot magician) 

-ER doc (seemed dull and couldn't seem to wake up) 

-Homemade clothes (aka Micah) 

-Knight (aka Diogo—I don't think he quite understood where he was) 

-Mike R. (dentist) 

-Jonathan (was sent home mid-cocktail party for being a creeper)

I think I'm missing a forgettable guy or two there in the mix, but who cares?  Next week we'll whittle down this group once more and then we'll dig into the good stuff.  In the previews I saw some shots of the dudes FISTFIGHTING and I am FIRED UP for this season.  I may be a pacifist, but I love me some fighting dudes.  See you next week! 

Bachelorette time is NYE!

Jazzy cats!

The summer is almost here and you know what that means: It's time for a fresh season of The Bachelorette!  Actually, summertime isn't "the season" as far as Bachelorette, since ABC slots this romance trainwreck of a show into any 6-8 week slot that they can, but hey, whatever, it's Bachelorette time!

This season's Bachelorette is Desiree from last season.  What do we know about "Des"?

She's the brown haired girl with small teeth (I'm just reporting the facts, people) who came in 4th place (if you can "place" in a show about finding love) during Sean's season of The Bachelor.  As I said during that season, Desiree is a poor man's Katie Holmes whose parents are sweet, but whose brother is a tattooed vagrant psychopath.  Here's hoping the brother shows up and grills the suitors!  Here's the promotional photo of Des and her boys.  That schmoe wearing a light blue jacket in the front row is a GEM, I'm sure.

This season kicks off on Monday and you KNOW I'll be watching!  Get your recaps and smack talk right here at this 'old blog.

Time Out NY lovin'

This week's issue of Time Out NY features me and The New Rules for Blondes in a lovely infographic in the Comedy section.  Pick up a hard copy or check it out here.  So jazzy!

Tuesday 4/23 is fast approaching!

Happy spring, pussycats!

The release date of my book THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES is almost upon us!  Can you believe it?  Does it feel like just yesterday I shared the big news that the book had been sold to It Books?  It doesn't feel like yesterday to me--heehee.  So much work has gone into this book by everyone involved--my awesome agent Elizabeth, my amazing editor Amanda, my original editor Stephanie, the brilliant marketing team at It Books, my jazzy pals, my family--and on Tuesday 4/23 my baby DROPS!

Come celebrate my book release with a rad party on Tuesday 4/23 at Littlefield in Brooklyn (in Gowanus--DeGraw & 4th Avenue) with open bar, dancing, book signing, and jazzy fun times!  Doors at 7:30, reading at 8pm or so, then party time USA!

Then I'm off to some book promotional dates in Boston, Austin, Chicago, and elsewhere in the coming months.  I hope I see you at an event!  My hair color will be fresh to death, I can assure you.

xoxo

Bach Sean FINALE

Jazzy cats!!

I'm sure that you watched the 3 hour Bach extravaganza last night and watched the silver vs. gold show down between Lindsay (in a silver dress that looked like it was borrowed from a late 90s sorority formal and purchased at Deb or Rave) and Catherine (in a gorgeous, gold, one shoulder gown--my fave--and serious heels). 

By now, you know that Catherine, the west coast graphic designer whose father battles depression came out "on top" (yikes, just stumbled into some sexual innuendo there, I think) and won Sean's heart.  Lindsay cried, Chris Harrison repeatedly called the events "historic" and "unprecedented" and America watched.  I'll write a full recap this week, so stay tuned.  Until then, enjoy this photo of Sean  representing the red (shorts), white (watch), and blue (tank top) in the wilds of Thailand.  AMERICA!

Bach Sean Recap 10: WOMYN TELL ALLLLLLL

Bach Amigos!

On Monday we experienced the women tell all and I'm going to pull a reverse Chris Harrison and say that it was the LEAST exciting Women Tell All in Bachelor history!  The ladies hardly even interrupted each other!  Everyone was so damn polite! What the eeeefffff, ABC!?

The episode started off with Sean and his new best friend Chris Harrison (who is newly divorced and should not only host the next season of Bach, but friggity whack BE the next Bach! Now that would be UNPRECEDENTED!) crashing Bachelor viewing parties around Los Angeles.  Remember how much Oprah's audience members would go NUTS when she'd inform them that they were each getting a new car?  That freak out has got NOTHING on how ladies react when Bach Sean strolls into their Bachelor viewing parties carrying red roses.  LADIES WENT NUTZZZZ, especially sorority ladies.  In a sorority house at UCLA, the women surrounded Sean, chanted "take off your shirt!" and Sean obliged.  It was quite a gender swap from a normal Greek party situation and I kinda loved it.  

Then we were in the studio where a handful of the rejected ladies were coiffed and ready for their last appearance in the Bach spotlight.  Who was there?

-Ashley P. (50 Shades of WAAAAY outta line and why are they bringing back a tool who went home on night 1?)
-Diana (hairdresser with a tyke at home)
-Brooke (Betty Boop style girl who didn't do much on the show but managed to eek out some air time in this episode by playing Devil's advocate.  Ya know who doesn't need an advocate, Brooke?  THE DEVIL?  Also, cute red jumpsuit)
-Daniella (aka Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie)
-Jackie (used to be a redhead, now a brunette. I CALLED IT! Hers was the first of many rad hair changes.)
-Kacie B. (Lordy Lordy Lord you again? For Kacie B. this episode must have felt like an attorney with her own successful practice sitting in on an LSAT review bitch session.) 
-Leslie H. (the moron whose favorite movie is "Pretty Woman." She gives good bitch face, though.)
-Kristy (the "model" from Wisconsin who is pretty, but needs to SIT DOWN about it.)
-Taryn (was a platinum blonde during the season, now an ombre with darker roots, blonde tips. Another rad hair transformation.)
-Katie (I can't even. Please. Just... someone... get her some conditioner goodness gracious!)

-Amanda (wackadoo chick who wore ill-fitting J. Crew outfits at every turn)
-Selma (beautiful brunette who was a lil high-maintenance)
-Robyn (back flip girl who has a fresh bob haircut--nice work!)
-Sarah (1 arm sweet thing who won America's heart and brought me to tears AGAIN.)
-Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes whose parents are sweet, brother is a tattooed vagrant psychopath)
-Lesley M (Arkansas wearing a Razorback red dress & red lips. Nice!)
-AshLee (another ombre beauty! Though I could have done without the bandage dress.  2010 is over--can we retire those dresses please?)
And of course Tierra was there, but not seated with the other women.  She was probably sitting somewhere on a cot in a hallway. 

Chris Harrison kicks things out by talking about the common enemy of the house: Tierra.  Selma says that she tried to help Tierra early on, advising he to "hide her crazy" and apparently AshLee and Tierra were friendly at first.  Brooke defended Tierra (a cheap but successful way to get a word in edgewise on The Women Tell All).  Chris explains that Tierra is backstage (where we saw a clip of her doing her patented perfume swirl) and she's coming out.  Tierra comes out with hair a bit darker, a dress with an underboob cut-out panel (not a good idea on anyone, much less anyone curvy), and a BIG diamond engagement ring (cause remember her ominous warning that she could get engaged anytime she wants to!!!) 

Chris pulls no punches, asking Tierra if she imagined that she'd be "that girl" in the house.  She rambles on about how she brings light and joy everywhere she goes and other women try to put out her light (do they put it under a bushel, Tierra?).  She says that she didn't go on The Bachelor to make friends YET she resents the other women for thinking that she didn't go there to make friends.  Huh?  The more important take away from Tierra's monologue was this: as a child, Tierra won the title of Little Miss Nevada.  OF COURSE SHE DID.  She's like a walking PSA for the terrible after effects that child beauty pageants can have on a person. 

Mark my words, Honey Boo Boo will be the girl who everybody hates on the 2021 season of The Bachelor. And Chris Harrison will still be talking about how unprecedented everything is.

After Tierra is done being unrepentant, she does at 180 and apologizes, saying that she was scared of the whole situation.  The ladies response to Tierra can best be shown in Lesley's facial expression:

                                                          "Ummm.... a skyooooze me?"

Then we hear from Sarah and Desiree, who were both disappointed by their rejection but have gotten over it.  I wish I could say the same for sweet AshLee.  AshLee is looking beautiful and I love her light blonde bottom layers, but she still wants some sort of logical explanation from Sean.  GIRL!  Have you never been dumped before!? Sometimes it's illogical, sometimes it hurts like hell, sometimes the dude straight-up lies but all you can do is MOVE ON.  You don't need to be right and Lord knows the dude is never going to admit he was a schmuck.  Sean came out and AshLee spent SO MUCH TIME berating him for lying to her and misleading her.  She seems to think that she can argue and pester her way back into Sean's heart and I wish that Dr. Phil had been there to tell her that she needs to accept the reality of what is happening.  I friggin' LOVE the no-nonsense, tough love of Dr. Phil McGraw and I think he would have set AshLee straight.  I'm sure that Selma was sitting there wishing that AshLee would do a better job of hiding her crazy. 

Overall, not the most exciting "Women Tell All" episode in Bach history, despite what Chris Harrison might say. 

The episode ended with a montage of a producer's dog and the dog was certainly cute... but a full montage to end the episode? Huh?  Judges, will we accept that?   

Next week is the finale, which will be a 3 hour Bach extravaganza in which either Catherine or Lindsay will be chosen OR NEITHER WILL!  You never know what's going to happen on Bach, right Chris?