Bachelorette Becca: Danke Shoen for the Memories, Jordan + David (Ep 5)

Bachelor Nation pals! 

As usual, I'm late with this recap and beating myself up for it.  Am I a true Bachelor head if I don't watch and live-tweet on Monday nights? Hey, sometimes you get booked on a rad show on Avenue A and you do it, then you have a different, also rad show on Tuesday, then you don't get to watch Jordan and David brawl in a desert until frigging Wednesday!!  

But here I am and I'm ready to recap.  I'll try to keep this one tight cause it's so late. 

On Monday's episode we entered into a shitty version of the cinematic masterpiece, Swingers, and headed to VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!

The dudes are staying in an amazing suite in the Aria (never stayed there--looks nice) and as they explore their new digs, Becca haunts the upstairs level and scares them. She's in a sparkly members only jacket, heels, and lots of silver and black (theme for the week). She reveals herself and they all pop bubbly--here we go! 

Colton gets the first 1:1 date and it's his first 1:1 date of the season.  Becca has followed Jojo's directions and kept him on group dates because she knew that she REALLY liked him (or so I'm thinking).  Colton takes a limo out to rural Las Vegas, traveling over the Virgin River (GET IT?? SO SUBTLE), and meets Becca for a traditional Nevada activity, camel riding! Is there anything MORE Vegas than that!? Yes, yes there is. 

Becca's rocking overall shorts (bold choice but she pulls it off), a bikini beneath her clothes, a white tank top, and Timbos on the toes, as they say.  She looks very cute, as does Colton in his dark shirt, dark pants and KILLER BODY. Once they are done camel riding and attempting to hold hands across camels (WHY GOD WHY?), they hop in a hot tub that has, seemingly, appeared out of nowhere. That's when we see Colton's shirtless physique and wowie zowie! The only way to do this justice is with an outdated pop culture reference: 



The hot tub talk is good: Colton says that he has been frustrated because he wanted things to start off well between them because she deserves it (AWWW) and this charms Becca as much as it charmed me and all of Bachelor Nation. 

That night they are "kind of on the same page" and they are both VERY excited about that. Becca rocks a sparkly silver, red, and black cocktail dress and Colton wears, again, black on black (which is FINE BY ME, bay beeeee). Over "dinner" (drinks), they talk about exes and Colton pours it out--his ex-GF never reciprocated his "I love you" (HARSH BURN, bro) and then dumped him. And it's strange to hear this conversation and know that he's talking about Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman!! 

Colton and Aly in happier times

That has got to feel weird for Becca and I truly wonder if Aly is at home watching this. Thanks to that difficult relationship and breakup, Colton now associates love with pain and confusion and dude I get it. Wow. I really like his candor and willingness to say, "she dumped me outta the blue," rather than some BS about a mutual breakup.  Thanks to this heartache, he doesn't talk throw around the phrase "I'm falling in love" and I can dig that! He's like the anti-Lincoln.  

Becca gives Colton the rose, then they hop on the upper level of a double decker tour bus and cruise down the strip making out, which looked pretty damn amazing. I love Vegas and I used to be a tour guide (on a single decker bus, but still) so this finale to the date really spoke to me.  As they are making out, Becca playfully says, "what are you doing to me?" and, I know I'm a cheesedick, but I can't get over how cute this is!! Colton has GOT to be in the final 2, if not the ultimate winner. 
Meanwhile, in the hotel, the dudes see a giant billboard that says "KISS HER" and is a message for Colton AND get a group date card.  

The group date card is addressed to Wills (cutie with funky style), Garrett (cutie but problematic), Blake (lil too aww shucks for me), John (slow burn or bore?), Connor (like a hotter, huskier Garrett), Leo (man bun, dry wit), Lincoln (cutie who has chilled a bit, it seems), Jason (slicked hair guy who I'm not feeling but Becca is), and Chris (cheesy dude who I do NOT like). 

Their group date is a day of writing remixes of "Danke Shoen" at the home of Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton!  A trip down the 'ole Wikipedia rabbit hole will reveal that while we are all aware of the existence of Wayne Newton, I have no idea why. He has one song that is well-known (the aforementioned "Danke Shoen") which he didn't write or even originate. If you want to read about his litany of legal problems and unpaid bills, taxes, check it all out here.  

I don't want to be too harsh, though, because he seems perfectly sweet and can appreciate bronzer as much as I can. 



He shows the crew his estate and then asks them to write their own versions of "Danke Shoen" that they will sing TO Becca in a show with a live audience.  The guys fan out with notebooks and pens and Chris is feeling confident because this is his SECOND songwriting date with a D list singer chaperone.  Don't get too big for your britches, Chris. Also, remember that this whole thing is about "winning" LOVE, not a dumb contest.  (Yes, this is foreshadowing.) 

The dudes suit up in tuxedos (and NO ONE looks bad in a tux EVER), then head to a "show" which seemed to take place in a hastily constructed fake showroom--or is that Wayne Newton's real showroom? Who can tell. Assembled is a very patient audience (of Bachelor die-hards, no doubt) who watch each guy do HIS OWN version of Danke Shoen, one by one. Goodness gracious. Wills is great, John tries very hard (ha), and Chris KILLS it with references, jokes, audience engagement.  

After the "show" is the afterparty and Blake and Becca are having super cutesy snuggle times while Chris is hanging back, somehow thinking that the power dynamic has shifted and SHE should seek out HIM? Huh? Ummm no. This show is The Bachelorette not Cheesdick With Bad Facial Hair Dating Show. 

Becca has had a long night, so joins the group of guys to end things and hand out the date rose. Chris seems stunned that she's calling it a night, but dude, maybe you should have tried to talk to her? Becca gives her rose to Blake (which STUNS Garrett but he has a pretty good poker face) and leaves, which SHOCKS Chris. Ummmm did Becca not notice that Chris is good at WRITING SONG LYRICS!? I mean, what more do you want in a life partner, BECCA????  Chris whines to the other guys and says that he's angry because he thinks that if you want something, you make time, so somehow BECCA should have made time for HIM. Chris, that saying about making time--that's a 2 way street, brosef. And you fucked it up. Also your claim that you might leave tonight is NOT a good look. Wills sets him straight (Wills is on the right side of every issue) and when Connor chimes in that he didn't get any time last week, Chris essentially tells Connor that he's not a contender. Sleep with one eye open, Florida bitch!! 

Back at the hotel the next day, Connor and his cute dimples are looking NICE in some glasses as the men discuss what must be happening on today's two-on-one. Which reminds me, HOLY SHIT TODAY IS THE INFAMOUS 2 ON 1!!!! 

As is tradition, the 2-on-1 date is reserved for 2 total asswipes who hate each other and it takes place in a barren wasteland.  Classic Twozies!!!  Broken Face David says that he knows that Jordan will be sent home from this and apparently he isn't a big fan of the franchise because BOTH OF YOU are going home, dummy.  Usually NOBODY makes it out of the 2-on-1 alive.

Jordan and David (aka, the two guys in the house who hardly know Becca and are OBSESSED with each other) take a limo out to the Valley of Fire, where Becca is waiting next to a cherry red Jeep Wrangler.  She's rocking a camo shirt (personal favorite), jean daisy dukes (awesome), and Timberland boots (fine).  Jordan says that Becca "looks like a snack" which is the closest he has come to taking an interest in her this season, so I'll take it. They hop in the Jeep (Becca behind the wheel, Jordan shotfun, chicken man David riding bitch) and cruise over some hills before sitting down on a daybed with canopy that has been erected in the middle of nowhere.  

Becca sits between them and encourages them to "listen to the silence" which David can't stop talking about doing! Dude--do you see what you are doing here? 



The 2-on-1 runs its standard course: Becca takes one guy away and he shit talks the other guy (in this case, David throws Jordan DEEP under the bus), then Becca grabs other guy to ask him if this is true (when we learn that Jordan's mother is mentally ill, which would have been interesting to learn earlier in the season, if he were capable of speaking about anything other than his modeling career), then Becca needs alone time and those 2 guys scream at each other.  Tale as old as time and that's not even a joke.  Literally, this is how the 2-on-1 plays out EVERY TIME. 

One thing that made me literally GAG as I attempted to watch David and Becca speak on a rock is David's BLOODY EYE!! Did you notice this? I get that he broke his face only a week ago or so, but WOW DUDE you literally have a bloody left eye and it turns my stomach to look at it, so maybe don't have Becca sit on your left side?  Also maybe wear an eye patch or something? Make it work! 

Both of Becca's individual conversations with David and Jordan feel like goddamn job interviews and I love that Becca confronted them together and said that this situation is frustrating, exhausting, and feels like 6th grade.  There is an argument about whether Jordan said that being with Becca would be "settling," which clearly isn't a word that Jordan said, but rather a sentiment that David assumed from him and that's just not fair to Jordan. David, look what you made me do!! You have me defending a narcissistic model dude because YOU are so shitty!

Becca is as unimpressed with David as I am, so she leaves him and his black outfit with white sneakers (BARF) in the Valley of Fire. Bye, chickenman. Becca says that she and Jordan will continue their date to "get to the bottom of it" which sounds like a fun, lighthearted way to court one another, no? No. 

That night, Becca and Jordan get cleaned up so that she can dump him in a different venue and not waste the lighting setup that the producers already erected.  Jordan asks her a question about what her average weekend looks like (so that he can be like, "see judges? I asked a question!") which he lets her answer in 3-4 sentences, then it's THE JORDAN SHOW!!! They talk about HIS normal weekend, HIS workout routine, HIS ablutions routine, HIS life, modeling, Zoolander, his portfolio, his facial expressions, and more (or rather, less)!  Becca picks up the rose and tells Jordan that she cannot give it to him (tricky), saying that she just doesn't think that they will get to where they need to be, emotionally, in time.  She should have also said, "and in the future, ASK A FEW DAMN QUESTIONS--it's NOT HARD to have a back and forth conversation" but she's not in charge of improving him.  

ASIDE: I am like a broken record but I am continually stunned by how many people--both in the context of dating and in regular socializing--don't ask other people questions. PEOPLE! This is how conversation flows. It's a tennis match--back and forth. But people who don't ask questions are rarely aware of this flaw. I think that they truly think that they have good conversations! Cause who doesn't love the sound of their own voice? But they usually, eventually realize that they don't KNOW ANYTHING about their friends or the person they are dating. And that's because they never ASKED any questions. 

Becca wisely sends him home and when the producer arrives to remove Jordan's luggage (she already took David's bag) the dudes celebrate like it's the G-D Superbowl and their team just won. 

The next evening is the cocktail party and Chris is hell  bent on self-destruction. Becca looks gorgeous in yet another sparkly, silver number with a smokey eye and great hair. #blessed 

As soon as Chris gets alone time with her, he says, "I think you owe me like 50,000 kisses right now" and it goes downhill from there. And "there" is already BAD, man. It's a classic situation where a guy is feeling insecure and senses that the girl is disinterested, so he keeps trying to flip the power dynamic (impossible) and make her feel FOOLISH for potentially letting this catch go!  It is NOT working, Becca is NOT having it, and I'm shocked that she didn't send him packing immediately.  His days are numbered. 

Wills and Colton are DEAD ON with their conversation about how Chris is a bitch.  Leo (manbun) is cute during his alone time with Becca, as is sweet Wills. Chris working overtime and he's not alienating just Becca--he's ALSO pissing off the guys! Whooo boy! What an overachiever! 

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony. Blake and Colton have roses, so they are safe, thank God. Becca doles out flowers to: 
-Garrett (dark suit, no tie, white shirt) 
-Jason (slicked hair is just TOO damn slicked, man!) 
-Wills (his matchy matchy plaid suit is adorable and he's a gem) 
-Lincoln (dark suit with black lapels and a bow tie is a GOOD LOOK) 
-Leo (rocking a Trump style suit which makes me BARF but he seems fun) 
-Connor (tank engine version of Garrett is sticking around and mama likes it) 
-Chris (in a salmon shirt and blue suit and LUCKY to be sticking around)

So heading home is sweet, seemingly cerebral John.  He's very polite. Good luck to you. 

Up next they are headed to the international hotspot of RICHMOND, VIRGINIA!! If we don't get some butter churching at Colonial Williamsburg, I am going to be PISSED! 

Bachelorette Becca: Tracksuits Are Too Casual for a Rose Ceremony (Ep 4)

Greetings, Bachelor Nation!

This is your intrepid recap writer, Selena "Bury Me in a White Bikini" Coppock, reporting for duty.

Monday's episode was a solid one, with 3 dates, 2 rose ceremonies, and 1 pair of gold underpants.

We open at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and Clay has just left with his broken wrist. There is strange energy in the house among the guys, but Becca and Blake are loving life and talking about how many children they might have! Wheeee! They both love boy names for girls: Becca wants to name her daughter Stevie and Blake wants to name his daughter Charlie, and I'm just glad that I have found other fans of the early 90s TV show, SISTERS!

Remember these gals? Georgie, Frankie, Alex, and Teddy?! Gosh I was OBSESSED with this show when I was young, which feels odd since it was about the difficulties of some middle-aged women living in Winnetka, IL battling drinking problems, sexual assault, infidelity, and family issues. But I LOVED IT! Random trivia: Bruce Springsteen's first wife is the lady in the lower, left corner of that DVD case above. Waddaya know! Anyhoo. Becca and Blake are biting off SISTERS'S style with their kid name picks.

Meanwhile, resident bizarro boy, Jordan, is shit talking injured David (as usual), saying that he talks God every day and that people who go against him have bad things happen to them. Read: God broke your face, David, because you mocked me. David makes his semi-triumphant return to the house, black eye and bruised cheek, and all. I gotta admit, for once, David looks TOUGH and it makes me somewhat attracted to him. David gets a lot of hugs from the guys, an immediate rose from Becca (sometimes breaking your face is the best thing that has ever happened to you), and shouts over to Jordan, "what up, Jordan, how you doing?" to which Jordan doesn't even FLINCH. God these two are like an old, previously married couple. Blech.

In a move that will haunt her throughout this episode, Becca gives Jordan a pair of shiny, gold booty shorts (hey, it's pride month and Jordan is the gayest thing I have seen since the last time I hung out at the Stonewall Inn) but David is feeling good and says, "I may not have a male model face at this point, but I have a rose, bitch." AWWW SHIT, CHICKEN SUIT DAVID AINT HERE TO PLAY!

Soon it's rose ceremony time. Colton (Husky Ryan Phillippe), Chris (lil cheesy), and David (man without a face) already have roses. 

The others go to:
-Jason (looking like a mafia don with the slicked hair)
-Wills (love that light, patterned jacket!)
-Nick (WHO IS WEARING TWO CROSS MEDALLIONS AND A TRACKSUIT! I repeat, he is in a TRACKSUIT at a formal event and he didn't just walk off the set of Sopranos 2: Tony's Still Messed Up. As we saw him in a bizarro track suit, we heard audio of him saying, "I gotta be who I am" and I didn't realize that who Nick is, is a dude who retired from his career in imports/exports (hey, don't ask questions) and now spends his days at the Keno parlor telling anyone who will listen about how thin he can slice his prosciutto.)
-Lincoln (looking good in a bow tie)
-Christon (dark suit, patterned tie, solid look)
-Blake (I hate his clothing style--ALL Blake's choices are bad choices)
-Garrett (who might be a weirdo conservative hidden inside the body of a HOT BOY)
-Leo (big hair don't care)
-John (lil nerdy but sweet)
-Connor (big hair AND I CARE! This dude is a little tank engine of sexy)
-Jordan (as my wise roommate said, "he's a character, not a contender")
-Jean Blanc (coming in last! Ouch!)

So the two dudes who will be trying to sell you Fab, Fit, Fun boxes via Instagram in the near future are the blonde man bun (sorry dude--there can be only one man bun) and Roger, the dweebus banjo player. I know that we have some Roger Heads reading  this (hi Katie!), so I'm sure that moment was a sad one.

Becca gathers the non-losers and Jordan (HEYO!) and announces that their next stop is PARK CITY, UTAH!  The clip of slicked hair Jason screaming, "UTAH, baby!" made me laugh harder than the time I saw Dave Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall last summer (#brag).

The first date is a 1:1 with Garrett and Becca scoops him up from the ski chalet where the dudes are staying (very cool digs) and takes him to downtown Park City so that she can straddle him in front of a small child.

A super low budget screen shot of my Instagram story! I am a tech moron!

After that, they try on hats, goof around, and generally act like two SUPER LOSERS falling in love. Look, I'm as cripplingly lonely as the next NYC-based comedian and I would love to find love and become a bit insufferable, but GOOD LORD these two give me dumb chills that broke my insufferability scale completely.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lincoln reveals that he is a flat Earther, as if this season couldn't get more full of weirdos (Garrett has some problem Instagram likes, Lincoln might take shits on the bathroom floor AND was convicted of assault, Jordan is bananas).

Back on the date, Becca and Garrett meet up with 2006 Olympians Valerie and Shauna who were Olympic teammates, fell in love, got married, and now have 2 kids together. Fuck yeah, ABC. Thank you for giving them time to share their story--representation matters and I LOVE that almost EVERY guest star sports person we have met this season has been female. 

Garrett and Becca hop in a bobsled with the couple and all four cruise around the track. After that, G and B drink bubbly on an animal pelt and it occurs to me that if you are a non-drinker, this show might be hard for you to participate in.  Also, if you're not a total psychopath.

That night they get done up and Garrett is in a navy blazer and tan pants, looking like a 9th grader at his first semi-formal dance. Becca is in a taupe sweater dress, heels, and a red jacket. Have you noticed that Becca is the QUEEN of the dramatic jacket removal? She does it every time and I love it. Often the jacket is just on her shoulders and she waits until she arrives somewhere, all eyes are on her, then she gracefully removes the jacket as if to say, "HELLO, BOYS!"

Garrett reveals that he's divorced in the MOST evasive, roundabout way by talking about the relationship from the beginning and meandering all over the place discussing their "adventures" and subtly saying, "so then we were married" and, honestly, it seemed like he was trying to hide that fact, didn't it? Dude--just shot straight!



Garrett claims that his ex was manipulative and emotionally abusive and I WISH that I could see how she responded to those claims!! Live cam of her viewing party, please, ABC!!! Becca senses loyalty and commitment from the guy who just disparaged his ex-wife on national TV, so he scores a rose.  But wait, the date isn't over!! A no-name, D list country singer is legally required to appear!!  And Granger Smith (WHO?) is just the guy.  They go to his concert, are taped by a million iPhones (PEOPLE! Live your LIVES! Stop recording your lives!), and make out on a platform. 

The next day is a lumberjack group date starring Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick (what, no tracksuit this time, Mr. Soprano?), John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christo, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc.

Becca makes the dudes dress up like my dream dates and then perform feats of strength, which is my dream date activity. Stop haunting my dreams, Baby Monster!

ummmm hi

Becca says that when she was in high school and other girls were falling for Leonardo DiCaprio, she was falling for manly man lumberjacks and I gotta say, SO WAS I, Becks. You aint unique. I've tolerated some DUMB SHIT dudes because they were husky and drove Ford Broncos. Plenty of us are LumberLovers.

The dudes participate in a Lumberjack Contest and John (quiet, lil nerdy) does surprisingly well, dominating all of his challenges! He wins for his team (blue team) and gets the reward of a golden axe (an actual golden ax in a log), which is nice, but ya know what's nicer?  A frigging ROSE!

That night at the after party, Becca rocks a red, velvet dress with a VERY low cut V neck, a black jacket (DRAMATIC REMOVAL!), and big earrings. Jason (slicked hair) admits that he's struggling with his emotions a bit, Jordan strips down to his golden go-go shorts and gives the camera a TAINT SHOT as he bends over Becca. It was horrifying. Dude--you are a model. You should know your angles. Bending over, taint out, AT the camera, is an abomination. Even if your taint is covered by a pair of gold daisy dukes. Also, HOW am I writing these things and this isn't a recap of Ru Paul's Drag Race? In conclusion of the Jordan stuff, he had 1:1 time with Becca and he chose to spend it in weird gold hot pants and then WALK AWAY!?!? Dude, time with Becca is precious--why were you more eager to get back to the crew of dudes? Hmmmm. 

After that weird display, Colton pulls Jordan outside (HOT move, Mr. Man) and says that Jordan is being a clown, putting on a show, and he seems like he's not here for the right reasons. I concur, Colton! You are HOT and RIGHT!

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc is weirding out Becca during their alone time. He presents her with perfume, then says that he wants to whisper something in her ear and when he gets close to her face, he grabs her chin and moves her head to kiss him.  Buh.  No.  To me, that was a lil weirdly pushy and Becca clearly wasn't feeling it. It was a little too smooth and calculating, when Becca seems to respond to playfulness more than "moves." Leo interrupts, but Jean Blanc is anxious that he hasn't given Becca enough attention, affection, adoration, so he comes back and tells Becca that he's falling in love

DUDE!!! PUMP THE BRAKES!!!

It was so clear that Jean Blanc was just feeling insecure and left behind, so he laid it on THICK in a moment of desperation, but it REEKED of bullshit! Dude, do you think she'll keep you around just because you're like, "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU"???? She needs to love YOU, also! And we're only on week 4! Even guys that Becca is connected to (Garrett, Jason, Colton) aren't saying stuff like that!

You can see Becca cringe-ing as Jean Luc comes on too strong and she shoots him straight--this is a LOT, a bit too intense, and we're on different wavelengths.  She says that this needs to be the end and generously walks him out (WITHOUT A JACKET IN THE FREEZING COLD) and yet he whines about giving her the perfume gift. Dude! Stop! You look worse every time you open your mouth! Time to go!

But no, he KEEPS making it worse by attempting to backtrack and saying that what he said isn't "necessarily" where he's at, that he thought it was where SHE wanted to take things. Becca wisely responds, oh so you are just saying whatever you think I want to her? Jean Blanc--time to go. There is NO WAY to salvage this.  Becca says the just wants HONESTY, Jean Blanc finally leaves, and Becca returns to the guys very shaken up.  She says that she is very angry, she feels like he was bullshitting her and fears that other guys may be doing the same, and heads home--no rose on the group date (sorry, John).

There is somehow ANOTHER 1:1 date, if you don't think that this episode has gone on long enough! I gotta keep this part short cause I'm exhausted.

Sweet Wills and Becca spend the day together and he's just what she needed--a caring, low key, thoughtful, easygoing dude who will let her slowly move on from the rush of insecurity that she felt as a result of Jean Blanc's actions the night before.

They ride snowmobiles, have a snowball fight, and Wills commits a Bachelorette first by talking about open relationships! Hoooo boy!! I bet that ABC had never heard the phrase "hall pass" used that way before! I appreciated Wills's candor in sharing that story of heartbreak and I'm impressed by his self-awareness.  He scores a rose and before we know it, we're back to another rose ceremony (no cocktail party--sorry, suckers!). 

Lincoln, Connor, and Tracksuit Nick are anxious because they didn't get much time with Becca this week. 

She rolls up in a gorgeous, mermaid style gown (my fave) that's black, textured, and has a pouffy bottom half.  She starts handing out roses and I'll save you some time by addressing who did NOT get roses: Christon (handsome former Harlem Globetrotter who took it in stride) and Nick (blonde dude who seemed cool until he put on a tracksuit to make some sort of righteous point about--I dunno, track runners? Italians? Residents of South Boston?) who blamed himself, which was the only good thing he has done. 

Where to next? 

LAS VEGAS!! Hell yeah!!! Jordan assures us that he's "going to make moves--DEEP MOVES." What the hell does that mean? WHO KNOWS!??!?!??! 

See ya next week! 

Bachelorette Becca: Double Ambulances! (Ep 3)

Greetings, besties!!

As always, this recap is late.  I was cranking out a packet (got it done and feel good about it), been busy like a bee, plus beach season is here! Life is good! But you know who life IS NOT good for? Dudes who fall face-first off top bunks and break their faces. More on that later.

We open on the Bachelor Manse in a downpour, so you know there is going to be DRAMA this episode! And probably bad hair that can't hold a style because of that dang humidity! Truly, a hellscape.

The dudes are lounging in sweats and glasses and I like seeing them in house clothes. Everyone in the house is getting along except for this season's bizarro pariah, model Jordan who gives good face and good sound bite, but definitely is NOT HERE for Becca.

Chris Harrison drops by to map out the week: 2 group dates, 1 one-on-one date, and one dude with a broken face (JK he didn't announce that cause how could he? But also I CANNOT BELIEVE David broke his damn face). 

First group date invite list is Wills (cutie, great style), Jason (slicked hair, Becca seems to really dig him and I'm not quite sure why), Jordan (gimme them sound bites, Wilhemina dummy!), David (wherever Jordan goes, David must go for the DRAMZZZZZ), Jean Blanc (hiiiiii), Colton (husky Ryan Phillippe who frigging GRINS when he's nervous or feeling guilty and it's VERY annoying).

Colton says that he feels frustrated because his relationship with Becca isn't progressing, so he's excited to get some time with Becca on this group date but BAD NEWS, BROSEF, you will ALSO be getting some face time with your "ex," TIA!! AHHAHHAHAH Oh man I LOVE it when the Bachelorette producers are evil.  Becca's squad (Baby Rizzo, Kendall the twee chick, Caroline the pretty one, Tia the Arkansan who "dated" Colton (and by that we mean MADE OUT WITH and, like, WTF is this, 6th grade?)), and Seinne the smart one who talked about the power of representation to dumb loser Arie last season) assemble and they are ready to interact with these boys in a spa setting! They all talk about the elephant in the room (that Colton hooked up with Tia and likely thought that she was going to be The Bachelorette) and before you know it, Husky Ryan Phillippe is there in the flesh, smiling like crazy because he's nervous. Tia is also feeling awkward and Becca legit forgets Jason's name to his face. There was a lot going on. 

Mid-group date (of massages and nail painting), Tia and Becca disappear for girl talk and Tia explains that she only kissed Colton, she hopes he's here for Becca earnestly, and she loves Becca. They are sweet pals.

At the afterparty, Becca's girl squad isn't there and Becca arrives solo in a gorgeous, sleeveless, form fitting red dress, white jacket, tan heels. Jean Blanc grabs her away first and shows her his personal head massager (that he brings everywhere he goes, it seems), Jason somehow makes a great impression on her (even though he just seems cheesy to me), and Wills has another great outfit.  David and Jordan get INTO it because they can't not, and Jordan reveals that he has a 100% success rate on Tinder (that is, everyone who HE wants to match with also wants to match with him) and in 2017, had 4,000 matches on Tinder yet insists he's "not on there a lot." Suuuuure. 

David, being the petty tattletale creeper that he is, runs to Becca IMMEDIATELY and regurgitates Jordan's lame Tinder stats to her, rather than focusing on their "relationship" and Becca cracks me up by going right up to Jordan and saying, "4,000 matches!" then putting her hand up for a high five.  PERFECT EXECUTION, Becca! Becca doesn't take Jordan or David seriously and you can tell, but she has fun with those losers.

Jordan drops the line of the episode, "here's to you being a bitch" before he shit talks David to his face while the other men LAUGH AT BOTH OF THEM.  If Jordan or David had ANY self-awareness, they would see how frigging LAME they both look through all of this.  But neither one does.

Jordan seeks out Becca to explain himself and express that he knows it must be hard for Becca that he's a male model (Hhahhah HUH?), that he is like a golden retriever in relationships (but like, relationships with humans? Or with other dogs? Where does this simile begin and end?). Becca and Colton have a heart-to-heart about whether he has  moved on from Tia (has he "MOVED ON" from a make-out? God I would hope so), and whether he's truly there FOR Becca.  He assures her that he is and that's good enough for Beccs!! She grabs the date rose, gives it to Colton, and falls in goddamn LOVE. Here we go, friends. 

The next date is a 1:1 for Chris but it turns out to be more of a three person date (heyo!), cause it's Becca, Chris the sorta cheesy guido, and DICKIE MARX!

What is it about Daisy Fuente's husband that is so damn HILARIOUS!? I don't know. Maybe it's that he sings really earnest, sorta corny songs yet seems like a chill cat?  Who knows.  Either way, he wants Becca and Chris to write one another love songs (which feels more like a week 8 challenge--I mean, they truly HARDLY know each other) and Chris struggles because his dad abandoned his family or something. 

Then TRAGEDY STRIKES and The Bachelorette is disrupted by a fat trust fund bitch shaking hands with another fat trust fund bitch.

Ugh this 1:1 date SUUUUUCKS

Thankfully, soon we are back in fantasyland watching a guilty pleasure reality TV dating show that serves as a much-needed distraction from the idiocy, violence, and embarrassment that the Trump White House unleashes on the American public day in and day out. 

Becca and Chris have the "dinner" (drinks) portion of their date and Becca looks beautiful in a beaded, sequin-y jumpsuit while Chris looks fine (and I mean that in the "acceptable" way, not like, "he is fiiiiiine") in a light grey suit and patterned, dark shirt. They discuss their shared abandonment issues and then kiss HARD. Up next is a serenade by ya boy RICHIE MAARXXXXX! Mr. Marx tickles the ivories and flubs the lyrics to his hit song "Right Here Waiting for You" (did you notice that he said "whatever it takes" twice rather than "wherever you go"? DUDE!) while Chris and Becca make out and hold each other.  

Meanwhile at the house, David has done something that is PEAK DAVID and fallen off his bunk bed, face-first.  Hooo boy. The previews really had us thinking that one guy had viciously attacked another dude (JK--the tabloids would have revealed something like that if it had occurred) but it was just a good, old fashioned nose/eye socket break. TONS of blood but nobody is to blame. 

Remember when this guy got his eye socket busted on Real World: Austin? That's all I could picture when they said David landed on his face. Next week we'll see what David's face looks like now! Probably won't be as hot as this Boston boy, Danny!

Finally, it's time for a sexy football group date and the grew that's hopping on a bus is: Clay (a real football player who is FIIIIIINE and I mean that in the sexy way), Leo (big hair), Christon (former Harlem Globetrotter), Ryan (banjo tool), John (slow burn?), Garrett (front runner who makes bad Instagram decisions), Mike (small hair), Lincoln (overenthusiastic), Connor (HOT little tank engine of a dude), and Blake (too smiley). 

But wait--real quick--can we talk about Colton's arms!?!??!!? 

Not the pub in West London, dude, the guy Colton who formerly dated Ally Reismann and Tia, who wore a tank top as he read that date card and SWEET BABY JESU those arms were NICE LOOKING and somehow aren't anywhere to be found on the internet. SEE! Net Neutrality is IMPORTANT!! I NEED MY ARM PICS!!! 

The dudes and Becca tackle some football drills (DID YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?) lead by two ladies who are members of the LEGENDS football league which looks cool as hell. Then they put on hockey helmets to play football (did anyone else find those helmets very hockey-ey and not very football-ey?) in front of screaming fans, Chris Harrison, and Keyshawn Johnson. It's blue team versus white team and there are some plays and passes or whatever. To help his team tie, Clay runs the ball (rather than passing it) it the end zone and scores a touchdown while breaking his wrist. Yikes. Dude--you aren't a teacher or a lawyer or a sales guy who can muddle through work with a broken wrist. You are a professional football player and you just MAJORLY screwed up your ability to do your job.  Yikes.  After getting some alone time with Becca, Clay hops in an ambulance and that's our 2nd ambulance of the episode!  Holy trauma, Batman! 

That night, Becca dons a tiny, crushed velvet, silver bathrobe for the after party and Garrett picks her up in it, practically showing her chach to all of Bachelor Nation.  Blake rocks a chambray shirt buttoned all the way to the top button, like a cholo cowboy, and talks to Becca about how hard it is to go from a 1:1 date to a group date. Once you have tasted 1:1 luxury, it's hard to step down to pauper-like group date life. Connor looks HOT with that face of his, and, of course, Clay shows up because he is going to take EVERY advantage of this opportunity his broken wrist has given him and I am here for it.  Blake and Connor are crestfallen when Becca hands the group date rose to Clay, but come on, dudes--YOU weren't willing to break YOUR wrists for the girl now were you? 

The next evening, it's cocktail party/rose ceremony time and football boy Clay, virgin grinner Colton, and sorta cheesy Chris are breathing easy because they already have roses. Becca arrives in a dress I don't dig--a bland red, satin, sleeveless and strapless dress that doesn't fit too well and she's constantly tugging on. Buh.  Connor steals her right away and impresses her with his baseball skills because these dudes are Sporty SPICE this season. She hits a TEE BALL (literally--tee ball), runs some tiny bases, then makes out with hottie Connor.  Becca and slicked-back hair Jason do some canoodling while Clay talks through what he has to do: leave the show.  Clay weighs his options, but knows that he needs to leave and get surgery because he supports a lot of people with his salary and he's a frigging honorable man. Wow. OF COURSE the duty-bound, respectable man is the one who has to leave. Isn't that always the way?  

Clay says, "being a man is making hard choices, tough decisions, and living with them" and OMG I love this stoic, dutiful HOTTIE! Does "being a man" involve going on Bachelor In Paradise??? I hope so but I cannot see how!  Clay explains his situation to Becca and they have a semi-weepy goodbye, then he literally WALKS OFF--just walks down the driveway and into the night. Goodbye, sweet Clay. You were too good for us.  Never forget that you're hot. 

So now rose ceremony this week, love bugs! I'm sure it will be the first order of business next week! In the meantime, enjoy this photo of Clay....

JK!! 

Here he is: 

goodbye, beautiful stranger

Bachelorette Becca: Smash + TRASH (Episode 2)

Last night was episode 2 of Becca's season in the driver's seat and ABC DID NOT DISAPPOINT! These boys are catfighting like someone would assume that women are, but they aint ladies! These are needy, intense, over-emotional DUDES!! Score one for feminism!

The episode opens with Becca cruising around Venice, CA on a bike and talking about "riding the wave," and "just going with it," like a lazy self-help guru.

Meanwhile, the boys are in STD Shack shrieking off the balcony (standard move) until Chris Harrison gathers them and encourages them to make the most of their limited time with Becca (WOW dude--that's really sage, unique advice). The first date card gets dropped and the participants will be: Clay (handsome biracial former NFL player), Nick (blonde white dude who isn't very hot and I know there's more to life than being hot, but there isn't much more to life when you're on The Bachelorette), Chris R. (guide FL dude who is now the ONLY guido FL dude with bad facial hair since Chase left), Jean Blanc (handsome black guy who is all about cologne and I aint mad at it), David (bird), Jordan (Wilhelmena Model's best/worst PR rep), Connor (holy STRONG JAW, Batman), and Lincoln (black guy with British accent, lil overenthusiastic).

They head to Saddlerock Ranch, Malibu where Becca is waiting for them in white. They all head into the ranch and the guys are given gorgeous tuxedos to change into. Like Donald Trump at Miss Teen USA, Becca stays in the fitting room as the guys strip down, then she gets some modeling tips from Jordan ("before you put on socks, shoes, tights, put your confidence on" AND HE WAS BEING COMPLETELY EARNEST). Becca and her harmen of hotties look NICE as they walk down the ranch's driveway and head to their activity.

Waiting for the posse are lovebirds RACHEL and BRYAN!! OMG Rachel is SO damn funny and likeable. When she screamed at the guys, "WHAT THAT MOUTH DO?" I gave her an applause break in my living room. The activity for this group date is an obstacle course of wedding-related challenges, one of which looks JUST like the amazing Japanese game show Slippery Stairs. Have you ever seen THIS?



Isn't that the funniest thing you have ever seen? God I love it. The other challenges involve running, sitting in cold water, getting a taste of what it was like to fight in the Vietnam War, and ending up beneath an archway where Becca is waiting! The guys hustle HARD on the assorted challenges and Lincoln seems to perhaps cheat a bit with the hourglass timer, but he wins and the judges go with it. A photographer appears out of thin air and snaps Becca and Lincoln's "wedding photos."

That night at the afterparty, Becca is rocking a SUPER low cut, lacey top romper that is super flattering, plus a bold lip which is very unwise because these dudes are Kissing Bandits even more than Pasty Snooze Arie was!  After a quick toast, Lincoln immediately grabs Becca and leads her away for 1:1 time, which pisses off the entire group, but no one moreso than Floridan Zoolander Jordan.  He utters a refrain for the ages, "IT'S A GROUP DATE, BRO!" and continues his reign as this season's best source of sound bites.

"IT'S A GROUP DATE, BRO!" 

One they are alone, Lincoln lays it on a lil thick, saying "you bring out the best in me" to which Becca wisely responds, "but what do you mean by that?" In general, Lincoln is just too enthusiastic and smitten this early on--to me, that's a red flag.  But then again, Bryan was always a lil too intense with Rachel and he got the girl, so what do I know?

Lincoln and Rachel kiss (an experience that's akin to "fling to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with a unicorn on a pot of gold," according to Lincoln and WOW that guy mixes metaphors and loves prepositions) and her bold lip is GONE for the rest of the night. While Becca has solid conversations with cheesy guido Chris R, David, and Clay, Lincoln and Connor get INTO IT over a framed photo of Becca and Lincoln that she gifted him. Both guys are being brats, but Connor takes it too far by throwing the picture frame off the patio and into the pool.  Props to Lincoln for responding that he refuses to get up and fight Connor because his mother taught him better than that--I liked that move.

Despite his strong jawline and cute face, Connor has really screwed himself with that move, as Becca finds it unnecessarily aggressive and says that she wants a man who can stay respectful and handle himself, then says that she doesn't want to get to know him any better tonight. Ouch, bro.  Jean Blanc makes some headway, complimenting Becca on her smile and her lips, which promots her to say "come here" and they smooch hard.

The group date rose goes to Jean Blanc (much to Lincoln's seeming surprise) and Connor leaves there feeling dejected. Deal with it, dude.

The next day is this season's first 1:1 and the first 1:1 is a powerful move that can portend good things for that contestant.  Blake (horse guy, sorta goofy, lil bit "aww shucks") is the lucky recipient of that date card and he and Becca hop a limo head into a "bad area of LA" (OMG an industrial area!? Some barbed wire!? WHERE ARE WE?). While they are driving, Lincoln is LEGIT CRYING to the other guys over his lost picture frame. Colton (aka Husky Ryan Phillipe) is NOT feeling super sympathetic, but keeps his trap shut like a smart cookie. Jordan is trying to say either ingenuity OR a word that means a person who is not genuine (I really couldn't parse the meaning of his comment on this one), and ends up saying "ingenuinity" I think? Wow. What the heck kinda schools did this kid ever attend? I mean, besides runway modeling school.

The 1:1 date is a surprise date orchestrated by Therapist/Exploiter Chris Harrison and it's all about Becca and her +1 having a chance to smash the symbols of her past! Oh man I remember when they did this on some D list rehab show with John Gosselin--no joke.  Blake and Becca suit up in Timberlands, oversized bodysuits like mechanics wear (Becca brings her own belt), and welders helmets (sexy date looks, you two!) and get ready to do some damage.

Who's there to provide the soundtrack for this destruction? LIL JOHN!  Hoo boy--either it has gotten cool to appear on The Bachelorette or Lil John is a Lil Desperate!! Either way, it's fun to watch Becca and Blake smash a race car with Arie's name as the license plate, shred the grey couch upon which they were sitting when chickenshit Arie danced around asking her for a breakup, and, finally, in a move that felt a lil harsh, smash some TVs upon which Arie's proposal to Becca is showing! OUCH!!



That evening, Blake (in a tan button-down which I don't love) and Becca (in a navy cocktail dress, leather jacket, dangly earrings and lots or bracelets) sit down to discuss this process, exes, and getting through heartbreak. Blake shares a story of how the woman he thought he was going to marry dumped him harshly (and her friends were like, "did you drop him yet?" OUCH!) but the timetable on that story was very unclear. I had no idea how long he was with that girl, so had a hard time locking in. Becca talks about how the Arie breakup made her stronger and offers Blake the rose, to which he responds, "yes, everytime, yes," which I assume ABC will start printing on T-shirts and coffee mugs if Blake wins this thing.  They make out on the street (Becca totally initiated the 'ole against-the-wall make out but Blake got into it).

Meanwhile, back at the house an assortment of strangers are becoming besties and learning if they will be permitted to leave their fancy jail.  The group date crew is Garrett (whose catchphrase seems to be "FIRED UP" and that's also MY catchphrase), Ricky (hasn't made a huge impression), John (seems a lil nerdy), Ryan (banjo boy), Alex (bland), Christon (sexy Mahershala Ali), Leo (curly mane man), Wills (cute), and the guy who she is deliberately keeping at arm's length because she's really interested in him--I can tell--Colton (Husky Ryan Phillippe).

The Bachelorette must have had some cuts in the Limo budget because the guys board a school bus and head to a gymnasium where Becca is waiting for them, along with 3 abusive kiddos who KILLED ME. They were SO MEAN to these guys and I loved every moment.  The 3 kids denied the men water breaks, called them "TRASH," and whip dodgeballs at them at top speeds. It was a glorious group date.

The dodgeball group date ends with a championship match--the boys are split into two florescent colored teams and Becca looks super cute in a cropped top and silver shorts (metallics are the greatest neutrals). A huge crowd cheers on the match-up, holding signs that say "ARIE SUCKS" and I gotta say, the constant anti-Arie sentiment of this season is giving me LIIIIIIFE!  Chris Harrison and comedy genius Fred Willard are doing color commentary as Leo single-handedly saves his team time and time again.  One team wins, but who really cares? It's time for drinks!

That evening, Becca rocks a sparkly, gunmetal dress (and you KNOW I Love my gunmetal color), a few necklaces, dark jacket, smoky eye--great look overall. She wears a LOT of jewelry and I can dig it. I don't think I wear enough jewelry and Becca is teaching me a lot about layering delicate necklaces.

Garrett (who "liked" some pretty offensive Instagram posts before he got on this show and has since apologized for that, but I dunno--he still sorta rubs me the wrong way) and Becca chat by a dark pool and Garrett says that she is the girl version of him (barf). Bland Alex admits that he doesn't normally go after girls who have their shit together (hahhaahh yikes), and Becca repeats the phrase "I'm not gonna lie" ad nauseam. Wills gets teary-eyed talking about his parents 50 year marriage and lets Becca try on his satin jacket (pretty sure I saw that jacket on the Nasty Gal website) and Husky Ryan Phillipe Colton drops the BOMB that he has a "relationship" for a weekend (OH you mean a HOOKUP but you don't want to embarrass your family on national TV so you're calling it a "relationship") with Becca's close pal Tia (Aransas girl hell YEAH!). Becca is stunned and handles it carefully (no doubt being aware that Tia herself will be able to watch Becca's response to this news once the show airs), saying that this is "tricky" and she needs some time to process all of that. So this means that Colton had "relationships" with both Olympic gymnast Aly Reisman and former Bachelor contestant Tia and NEVER got laid (he's a virgin). Now that's a unique guy.

The group date rose goes to fashionable Wills.

Finally, it's time for a cocktail party and rose ceremony and WOWIE ZOWIE this recap is getting long, so let's hit the high points.  Jordan said the phrase "tick tock, let's make it rock" and wore a blanket most of the night. Clay had some cute football-tossing time with Becca and that is NOT a euphemism for anything, surprisingly enough, and got kissed. John read Becca a poem. Connor took a framed photo of himself and threw it in the pool to show Becca that he's NOT a psychopath with a bad temper. David stewed in anger and mocked Jordan to his face (delicious).  Jordan repeatedly said the word "ingenuininity" or something like that, which I thought was him saying a word to mean "not genuine" but in fact, was him trying to say ingenuity.  There was a brief moment when I *did* identify with our House Idiot, Jordan: when he legit CHUGGED his white wine.

Going into the rose ceremony, Jean Blanc, Blake, and Wills had roses. Becca handed out more roses to:
-Chris R. (too cheesy for my taste--I'm growing up!)
-Jason (didn't have a date this week but you can't screw up too much if you don't say much)
-John (lil nerdy--he'll last another week or 2 tops)
-Clay (hey there! I'm all right with a slow buuuuuurn)
-Mike (2nd best man bun in the house which is a sad title to hold when there are only 2 man buns)
-Connor (MUCH TOO CASUAL, DUDE--patterned shirt and no jacket!? STEP IT UP!)
-Leo (the TOP KNOT(CH) MAN BUN and YES that pun was intended!)
-David (lil nerdy, but his debates with Jordan are juicy)
-Garrett (dark suit, light shirt, fine)
-Nick (super cheesy chain necklace gets caught on camera and I am NOT loving it)
-Brian (dark hair--that's all I have in my notes)
-Christon (YES! Former Harlem Globetrotter is making moves)
-Jordan (rocking a pink blanket and looking like an idiot)
-Lincoln (seems relieved. Just slow it down and stop pushing so hard, dude)
-Colton (I'm glad Becca let him sweat a lil bit)

So who is heading off into the Los Angeles sunset?
-Alex (who got a pretty BRUTAL edit with his crying at the end)
-Rickey (who? Yeah that's the problem)
-Trent (who I could have sworn was Alex, but apparently not!)

Next week we delve into AWKWARD territory, as Becca recruits her gal pals to come meet the guys. And OF COURSE one of them is Tia!! Hahhahah tough luck, Husky Ryan Phillippe!