Last night was episode 1 of Emily's season of The Bachelorette and it felt like being back on campus after summer break. We're all relaxed from the summer, have new shoes and fresh haircuts, and we're ready to go again! Bring on the parade of losers!
But before I rag on 25 strangers, let's talk about Emily for a moment. Perhaps you have a life and are not a "Bach" die-hard like me. That's fine. You can enjoy your face-to-face activities and relationships and leave it to me to keep you up-to-date all things Bach. I'll donate my Monday nights to Bachelorette yet again (to my beloved Monday night Total Body Conditioning teacher: I shall see you when Emily has found love via reality TV, and not a moment before). Emily was on The Bachelor during Brad Womack's 2nd season (yes, the loser did it twice) and she even WON that season. Yes, Emily and Brad were engaged. A bit of background on Emily: she has a young daughter (Ricki) who is named after her deceased fiancee, Ricky. He was a race car driver and died tragically in a plane crash when he was on his way to a race. So she's a 26 year-old single mom, with no pesky baby daddy drama because he is dead (sorry to be harsh--but that's the scoop, for real) and she's a KNOCKOUT. She's thin, blonde, beautiful, and sweet. Honestly, Emily is a life-sized Barbie doll with a sweet, southern drawn and an affinity for the phrase, "Well, golly!" I wish I were kidding. She's gorgeous and agreeable. If she had a bad quality, it would be that perhaps she doesn't bring much to the table, but she seems up for anything and she definitely rolls with the punches in new situations.
She and Chris Harrison catch up and Emily makes it clear that she's looking for a man who she can marry and immediately have a "mini van full of babies." I'm sure these 25 guys would be happy to oblige.
One new thing this season: the show isn't filming in the same Los Angeles McMansion where all other seasons have taken place. Production was relocated to Charlotte, North Carolina, so that Emily can be close to Ricki and so that her life isn't completely disrupted. Good call, Emily! And it's a nice change of pace for the show, too.
Let's get to the good stuff, shall we? The producers have picked 25 guys who vie for Emily's affections and we get a taste of them before we even meet them. There's Jef, who has a wicked pompadour and owns an environmentally-conscious bottled water company (ya know what's the most environmentally conscious way to drink water in a first world country, Jef? FROM YOUR FRIGGIN' TAP.) There's Kalon, who reeks of "American Psycho" and admits that he used to be a player, but now he has learned to respect women. He's a "Luxury Brand Consultant" which means that he's rich and he has rich friends who he occasionally talks to about what they should do with their trust-fund hobby clothing stores. There's David who is a singer/songwriter from Brooklyn and we get to hear him croon Emily's name while he bangs on his keyboard. There's Arie who is a race car driver (I hope that Emily is ready for traumatic flashbacks on camera!) and a few others.
Emily waits in the foyer of a gorgeous, Charlotte mansion wearing a dress that is stunning, but a tad Ice Capades-y. It's a dress with a VERY low-cut back but the dramatic back is covered by tan, stocking-like material like you would see in the Olympics. That's about as hot as tan hosiery (read: not at all). If she had landed a Double Axel, I would have been able to see beyond the Ice Capades-y dress, but she didn't. She just stood there and greeted a deluge of dudes.
The guys' entrances were a mix of lecherous (seriously, almost every guy couldn't seem to get over her beauty and held the hung a little too long), corny (a glass slipper, Tony?), and sweet. The stand-outs (mostly for bad reasons) in the greeting category were:
-Tony: the aforementioned glass slipper. He sold the whole Cinderella thing SO hard. We all know that there's a crew of reality TV producers begging these guys to make memorably mortifying entrances, but just say no! Just friggin' walk in, be well-dressed, and don't be a toolshed.
-Jef: Jef, his pompadour, and his one f (cause that's all his mama could afford? RAY PRUIT JOKE ALERT), rolled in on a SKATEBOARD while he gripped the back bumper of the limo. I can only hope that Jef reeked of exhaust fumes when he hugged Emily.
-Randy: Nothing piques a woman's interest more than seeing a potential suitor dressed up as an elderly woman, am I right? Wig, glasses, dress, and cane. How did they not cover that one in "The Game"?
-Joe: I'm not sure if he was drunk or just overexcited, but he wouldn't stop screaming Emily's name and saying that she's really hot. Joe, I want to like you, but you gotta CALM DOWN.
-STEVIE: THE MAN I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR! As you know, last week I read about each potential suitor on ABC.com in advance of the premiere. Yes, I'm a loser--ZIP IT. Stevie's bio jumped out at me for so many reasons: (1) He's an adult who goes by "Stevie" and he's not a fictional character from Eastbound & Down; (2) His listed profession is "Party MC" which he later clarified for Emily also includes dancing, DJing, and partying; (3) He hails from New Jersey and I can't decide who is bringing more shame to that state: Stevie, single-handedly OR the cast of The Real Housewives of NJ. It's a tough call. Stevie's entrance was so New Jersey that I wanted to pump my own gas and crank up some Springsteen. He DANCED IN while carrying a boom box. Oh sweet Lord Emily PLEASE keep Stevie around for comic relief.
-Kalon: American Psycho arrived via helicopter and Stevie hated him on-sight. I'm gunning for a blue collar vs. white collar brawl at some point this season.
The cocktail party happened and it was pretty standard stuff--some guys had gimmicks (bobble head dolls, stories about single-parenting, champagne at the ready) and there was a lot of "Can I steal her from you?" maneuvers that pervade every first night cocktail party. Doug scored the first impression rose (he's 33, single father, pretty cute). Let's get to the good stuff--the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison is back to ding a knife against a champagne flute and get paid sick money for it, so he did his job. The dudes lined up, and Emily's choices (in order she announced them) were:
Chris: guy who brought bobble head dolls of him and Emily, has intense eyes
Ryan: HOT personal trainer with a great jaw-line but awful hair.
Kalon: American Psycho who will ultimately murder everyone (or something).
Arie: race car driver w/ brown hair.
Charlie: SWEET guy who wore a classic white suit and once got into a car wreck that broke his back, but not his heart. HEYO!
Jef: skateboard tool.
Nate: completely forgettable and probably won't make it past next week's show.
Sean: hot blonde guy (and I NEVER think blonde guys are hot, so that's saying a lot) who was the 1st guy out of the limo.
Joe: cute, overexcited guy who managed to chill out.
Kyle: completely forgettable.
Aaron: completely forgettable.
Alejandro: Colombian guy who spoke Spanish to Emily and it was cute.
John: A dude who calls himself "Wolf" and is pretty hot, but I can't get beyond the fact that he calls himself "Wolf."
Alessandro: Brazilian guy who has lived in the midwest for a while, so his accent is bonkers.
Michael: musician from Austin who is a pudgier version of Mitch from Dazed & Confused.
Stevie: if you don't know him by now, you will never, ever know him [fist pump].
Tony: other single dad, pulled the corny Cinderella intro.
Travis: built, pretty hot guy who has promised to care for an ostrich egg all season (it symbolizes Emily and Ricki, he says. I tend to think that it doesn't symbolize anything so much as it IS a baby ostrich just trying to friggin' grow).
So who got the boot on night 1?
Lerone: the only black guy on the show--he has a cute dog and a sick body.
Brent: the guy who said he is a single father of SIX kids and I assumed he was joking, but he wasn't. I bet he was hoping that The Bachelorette would be a lot more like "Overboard" and he could effectively kidnap a woman to raise his tiny basketball team with an extra tyke on the bench.
Randy: guy who dressed up as an old lady and said, "I think the grandma thing is enough," just before he was sent home. There's a fine line between memorable and friggin' weird.
Jean-Paul: nice guy, but kinda stiff.
Jackson: the fitness model from Chicago who seemed STUNNED that Emily didn't fall for his muscles. So stunned that he took off both of his shirts and flexed for the camera as he left. WHAT A COOL GUY!
David: the NY singer/songwriter. But he belted out "Emily!" in B roll footage! What the heck!?
This season will include lots of travel in Europe and the UK and I can't wait! My early favorites are Joe (provided he can remain chill), Ryan (provided someone shaves his head while he is sleeping), Charlie, and Sean.
See you next Monday, pussycats!