Bachelorette Rachel Ep 6: Hours 3 and 4

How are we doing out there, Bachelor Nation?  Have you overdosed on Bach this week?  Watching FOUR HOURS of The Bachelorette, even split up over 2 days, is still A LOT.  Mama needs to see her friends/leave her house occasionally, ABC!

OK so I recapped Monday night's episode already (see previous post) and I ditched out somewhat abruptly AND I think I managed to misplaced my complete notes for that one (dammit, Coppock! What do we pay you for here on this 'ole blog? What's what--we don't PAY you?  You write these recaps for the love of the game (of love)? Wow that line makes us all cringe but, hey, back to work, kiddo!).

OK so who knows where I left off.  All I know is this--episode 6 kicks off with the infamous Bachelor/Bachelorette TWO on ONE which ALWAYS takes place in a CREEPY no man's land (on an island with a Voodoo sorceress last season, on a tropical island during boring Ben's season, in the straight up EMPTY woods during Jojo's season, in the Badlands during Chris "So I Became An Alleged Murderer" Soules's season) and this season is no different.  Professional wrestler and proud papa Kenny and professional gaslighter and freelance racist Lee are dropped into a rustic living room set that has been plopped in the Norwegian wilderness.  Oh and Rachel is there, also, but this isn't about Rachel.  This is about Lee attempting to control the situation but failing and Kenny trying to keep his cool while assuring Rachel that he did NOT rip Lee's tiny body out of a van.

Rachel has 1:1 conversations with each guy (while they all FREEZE) and she reassures Kenny that she knows he's sincere and she trusts him.  Kenny spends the conversation talking about their relationship and briefly touching on Lee drama.  Lee does the opposite and spends his short 1:1 time with Rachel whining that Kenny has called him a bitch (ha!) and a snake, tried to rip him from a van, and threatened to shit in his boots (HAHA!).  He tries to insinuate that Kenny has a temper, saying that Kenny only reveals his dark side when he drinks and I officially HATE Lee. I mean, I already did, but dude, don't try to act like Kenny has some chemical dependency issues and a temper that switches on when he's boozed up.  YOU are antagonizing him and you won't stop and he reacts. Blech. Thankfully, Rachel sees right through Lee and she tells him as much, saying that she doesn't trust him, she wishes him luck in the future, goodbye.  (Note: just before this, Kenny was CACKLING and successfully spooked Lee which was DELIGHTFUL to watch.)

Kenny drops some CHOICE WORDS and I love it.

"Hi, I'm Lee and I'm sitting like I'm all casual but in reality I'm very spooked AND I'm a bitch."

Rachel holds off on giving Kenny the rose, instead asking him if they can spend some alone time and talk more, and walks to the helicopter with him.  Kenny puts Rachel in the helicopter AND THEN MAKES HER SIT ALONE AND WAIT FOR HIM as he goes BACK to Lee to finish berating him.  Dude.  Come on.  You won--let's fly outta here for the standard dramatic Bachelorette exit!  Didn't you watch the helicopter exit when Olivia was left on a friggin' sand dune?  Time to bounce!

That night, Rachel and Kenny have a heart-to-heart, make out, and he scores the rose.

The guys are standing around as Lee's luggage is removed from the hotel suite and we hardly get ANY reaction out of them. COME ON, GUYS! Don't you know how to play to the camera? When the house pariah Kelsey (that Austin widow chick from Chris Soules's season) was sent home, the other gals literally were POPPING BOTTLES.

The next day it's rose ceremony time and Josiah is all smiles, exclaiming, "I FEEL GOOD" so we know he's about to be sent home.  Rachel arrives in a classic car wearing a phenomenal sparkly, silver dress that's floor length and has a major slit up the leg.  Her style is so disco 70s and it's THE BEST.  Will, Kenny, and Bryan already have roses.  Who does she pick this round?

-Dean (white guy who learns about race relations from Eric later this episode and just frigging LISTENS to Eric talk about the black experience, which was really refreshing to watch. It's not that hard! Just listen to people tell you about their expeirences!)
-Eric (black guy rocking black suit, green shirt)
-Peter (white guy wearing a dark suit and a SCARF that's there one moment, not there the next. Sweet continuity, Bachelorette producers!)
-Alex (white guy hot Russian dude who is JACKED)
-Adam (white guy who is still somehow here)
-Matt (another white guy who is still somehow here)

So who is going home?

ANTHONY and JOSIAH!!

Both guys hug Rachel and leave quickly.  I'm very sad to see Anthony go, as he is an old soul who has such a calm way about him and I really liked that.  Josiah just didn't ask Rachel enough questions about herself and even when she TOLD HIM, he didn't quite change course.  Good luck, buddy.

The remaining 9 guys and Rachel hop a plane to Copenhagen, Denmark where Eric gets a 1:1 and does SO well with Rachel.  They have a lovely day exploring Copenhagen and he inquires about her life, her likes, her family (nice), and then he opens up about HIS family (his mom, specifically), which was a tear jerker of a scene. Eric has definitely grown on me--now if he'd only sit up straight.  He scores a rose.

The next day is a group date for Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam and it's a SUPER FUN day of ROWING a Viking ship among other tourist men who appear to be in their 60s! Rock and roll! The crew lands on an island where 2 locals teach them "Viking Games" (brutal "games" that mostly involve shoving people out of a circle and wearing unflattering clothes).  Kenny and Adam are the best at said games, and their booby prize for that superiority is that they BOTH get to end up with bloody, busted eyes.  CONGRATS, GUYS!!!!

That night at the after party Rachel and Bryan get hot and heavy (he is definitely making it to hometown dates), Rachel tells Peter that she's his muse (weird), Matt informs Rachel that Kenny may be struggling, and finally Kenny talks to her about that.  Rachel shoots him straight, saying that there is potential between them, but she doesn't know FOR SURE, so she shouldn't keep him away from his daughter any longer.  Kenny and Rachel have a LOVELY hug and kiss goodbye--I haven't seen a breakup that amicable since an old beau Jack and I did a high 5 as our breakup (over the years I saw him again and began to hate, him, though, so it's not ALL peace and rainbows).  Peter gets the rose at the end of that date.

The next day is Rachel and Will's 1:1 date and try as he might NOT, Will just can't seem get a romantic dynamic going with Rachel.  He scarcely touches her--awkwardly standing next to her as though they are siblings on a family before one of them leaves for college.

Will's a fan of the 'ole "leave a few inches between you and your partner FOR THE LORD."

That night they get dressed up (Rachel in a black turtleneck, fuzzy grey sweater, tall boots, looking gorgeous as always) and she tries her damndest to crack Will, asking assorted questions, trying to get a sense of why he hardly touched her all day, what is going on here.  In response to her question, "what do you look for?" Will responds, "I've typically dated white girls" which is NOT the right answer there, buddy.  He then tries to backtrack saying, "mostly, not only" but dude, the question was WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR?  You could recite some personality traits, if nothing else.  Whatever you like, just DON'T lead with "what do I look for? Well, mostly not what you are," essentially.  She inquires about how he conducts himself within a relationship and, in so many words, he seems to say that he used to sleep around but he no longer does that (said he was very passionate in relationships, perhaps too passionate, too physical, so now he's pulling back).  So he claims to be passionate/physical, but hasn't been that way with Rachel AT ALL and also, he mostly dates white women. Hmmmm. Rachel wisely says that this just feels like they're hanging out in the friend zone, let's get our umbrellas and say "farvel" (goodbye in Danish).

It's time for the second rose ceremony of the episode and that's one too many rose ceremonies! I can't handle this!  Rachel quotes Shakespeare ("to thine own self be true") then gives out roses, but mama's just TOO DARN TIRED to mock every guy, one by one.  WHO HAVE I BECOME if I am too tired to do my LIFE'S WORK?

I know, I know.

Let's only point out the loser for a change of pace.

ALEX!!! Aka Eastern European/Commie Russian HOTTIE who had a man bun recently and has been jacked as hell always.  Sigh. He rocks a black suit, black shit, and pink tie, looking like a dude who is selling drugs in a Meatpacking District dance club.

So somehow, Adam and Matt are still in this thing while Peter, Eric, Bryan, and Dean are STRONG contenders.  My money is on Adam and Matt NOT making it to hometowns, but who knows? As Rachel told us, I guess we just gotta let her--and--lead the way!

You can listen to THE FANTASY SUITE, the amazing Bachelorette/Bachelor podcast where Dava Krause and I break it all down for you, right here.

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 5: 2 hours outta 4

PALZ!

Monday night was night 1 of a 2 night Bachelorette bender and we’re 2 hours down, 2 hours to go.  Phew.  I hate it when they double up on episodes this way (after a full day of work, I have another career to get to, Bachelor Producers! Or hell, maybe I want to hit the gym?) but I am at their mercy and a member of Bachelor Nation, so I tune in.

I must confess that I missed the first 30 minutes of Monday night’s episode, though.  I had a quick drinks date in the West Village (a first date is ALWAYS “a drink” or coffee—never give him more than 30 minutes of your time in case he turns out to be a weirdo ) and I got home at 8:30 BUT, recently my cable got all messed up (the apartment downstairs is being majorly renovated and they somehow disconnected all of our table/Wifi wires so a Time Warner technician had to come over, blah blah blah, boring story of the moronic crap that is everyday life) and all of our DVR settings were lost and I forgot that.  So I ZIPPED home from the West Village (well, traveled as fast as the MTA would take me), RAN to the bodega to buy some LaCroix (what else am I going to drink? Water like some kind of loser?), then got home and turned on the TV just as Jack Stone was being sent home.  Talk about tuning in at the LEAST SURPRISING moment in franchise history! I mean, how did this guy even make it this long?  I’m sure he’s nice and knows how to string a few words together, but dude was WAY out of his league here.  Bye bye, Jack Stone.

Then it’s Rose Ceremony prep time and, again, Rachel has pulled together a fantastic look: slinky black dress with a high cut thigh and that seam continues up, but is sealed with white flowers. I’m not doing it justice with this description, but it was sexy.  Also she rocked a very dark lip, bold eyes, hair down.  Because I was on my own date and missed some of the episode, I can only assume that I missed some standard tension in the house between Lee and Kenny, Iggy and everyone who isn’t a busybody tool. 

The men are done up and as they file into the rose ceremony (in South Carolina) Adam refers to Jack being sent home as a “wake up call.” REALLY? The guy who had NO SHOT from DAY ONE and was DEAD WEIGHT for 4 weeks is what makes you feel like, “oh man this is getting serious”? Ha.  To each his own, Adam (also, warning: YOU are dead weight, too. Ohhhh! Sick Burn, Me!).  Some dudes already have roses and I’m too lazy to look back at my recap from last week, but who scored them in this line-up?

-Eric (black guy, rocking a black suit and no tie, looking nice, also there were VERY few ties last night and I sorta liked it, I think?)

-Peter (white guy with the front tooth gap, grey-ish hair, dark suit and black shirt is fine, not amazing)

-Adam (white guy who arrived with a fucking MINI ME doll and I’ll never let him live it down. Also he appeared to be wearing a very casual chambray shirt beneath this grey suit—are you already running out of shirts, dude?)

-Will (black guy who is a CUTIE, nice black suit)

-Matt (white guy from CT who is a standout in a tie but still looks like he waxes his eyebrows a lil too much)

-Alex (built, white dude who is rocking a man bun because he has no access to a hairdresser, it seems)

Throughout this rose ceremony, we hear clips of Lee ripping on Kenny (“ballerina on steroids—I’ll pray for him”) and Kenny ripping on Lee (making a snake hand motion, “RIP Lee, let’s pour out a little liquor for Lee”).  Also with Lee’s attitude toward the black men in the house, you gotta wonder if he’s named after General Lee (and I’m talking about the actual leader of the Confederate Army, not the Dukes of Hazzard’s car).  But back to the roses…

-Josiah (black man lawyer who is playful and fun BUT later in the episode is taken down a notch)

-Anthony (black guy who is BUILT and rocking a patterned shirt, dark suit—great look)

-Kenny (black guy wrestler in light shirt, dark suit)

-Lee (white guy whose hair has more volume than EVEN MINE which is hard to pull off). 

So who is heading back to their hometowns to keep their mouths shut and probably be embarrassed when their local friends are like, “I have you in my Bachelorette pool as the WINNER!! Yessss! Can’t wait to hear about hometowns!”????

-Jonathan aka Tickle Monster who hugs Rachel goodbye and, in a grand finale of having ZERO sense of boundaries or bodily autonomy, he goes to hug Rachel goodbye and instead tickles her like crazy THEN makes a bunch of jokes about his “tickling hands.” Dude, that’s cute if your partner is into it, but you had BETTER make sure she’s OK with that. Hell, I don’t even TOUCH a person if I don’t know him or her.  I went on a date with a guy who gently touched the waitress to get her attention and I was just like, waaaah? No dice, dude. Motion to her, call for her, but you simply DO NOT TOUCH people who you don’t know. 

-Iggy who is looking handsome in a nice tan suit but he made that predictable mistake of focusing too much on house gossip, house dynamics and not enough on LOVE and RACHEL.  Bye, dude. I hope that in your next relationship you can focus on THE RELATIONSHIP. On his way out, Iggy say that he has learned more about himself in the last 4 weeks than he has in the previous 30 years which struck me as pretty sad. Has he NEVER been inspired to do a little bit of self-analysis? 

But enough of those boys—we’re whittling down the group, making a toast, and hopping on a plane to Oslo, Norway!!

It’s chilly in Oslo, Norway and Rachel rocks some great sweaters and scarves.  Since Bachelor Nation is a nation state within the boundaries of the United States of America, Bachelor producers give us a handy graphic of an AIRPLANE flying over the ATLANTIC OCEAN to NORWAY! MAPS! 

Rachel greets the guys at a local beer spot and scoops up Bryan (white dude sexy chiro) for a spontaneous 1:1 that will involve RIDING THE BUS!! Hell yes! Let’s do normal people date stuff and run some errands, ride the bus and deal with traffic, then maybe argue over whether we always go out with your friends or my friends!!  I want some reality in my reality TV!  Alas, The Bachelor won’t go THAT FAR, so instead Bryan and Rachel rappel down a 187 foot structure and make-out mid-rappel.  Rachel points out that 187 is the code for murder and the Bachelor producers are surprised to hear that, which surprised ME. Come on, guys! I don’t care how suburban and sheltered you are—didn’t you own the Dr. Dre masterwork THE CHRONIC at SOME POINT?

That night Bryan and Rachel are dressed up (Bryan in a shirt that doesn’t matter, Rachel in black pants and a black crop top with straps around her middle, it seemed, PLUS gold eyeshadow (YESSS), a big gold necklace or two, and awesome rings) and Rachel explains that in childhood/adolescence, her sister was the pretty one and she was the cool one, so she doesn’t quite know what to do with compliments and romatic attention from guys. 

RACHEL YOU ARE MY BESTIE!!  I relate to this SO hard.  I was SUCH an ugly duckling and such a little weirdo (pasty white, very skinny, VERY loud, very kookoo, wore a lot of HATS, ya know?) and it really became my own self-identity—I’m ugly.  Men don’t like me. Men ask me out as a joke—it’s not genuine attention. (Can you tell that I’m not seeing a therapist currently so instead I’m using this blog as therapy! Yikes! Thanks for reading! I’m spiraling!) Bryan reciprocates those sentiments, saying that he was a super thin, had acne, got no attention from girls, then closes with “I’m truly falling in love with you.”

WOA WOA WOA WE ARE 5 EPISODES IN!! This feels FAST to drop a bomb like that, doesn’t it?  Also, thanks for bearing with MY earlier bomb drop that I, like Bachelorette Rachel, don’t quite know what to do with male attention. 

I DIGRESS. 

Bryan and Rachel make out in front of a doorway that I can only assume is a pretty traditionally Norwegian doorway. 

Meanwhile the dudes at the house are reading the date card's message, "I'm looking for a guy who is good with his hands" which feels like a very subtle dig at Tickle Monster Jonathan (ha), and the group date crew will be Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Alex, Eric, Josiah.  This means that the 2:1 will be Kenny and Lee (OR COURSE IT WILL BE) and likely result in Lee being hospitalized in Norway (hey, THEY have universal healthcare, so reconstructing his face will be FINE.  Mama sees a brand new eyeball socket in your future, Lee!).

The group date activity is a day of HANDBALL, a traditional European game that's a combination of football, basketball, and water polo that the American boys will be playing while wearing wrestling singlets, for no reason at all.   It looks like a bizarro game of Messy Backyard to me (remember that gym class delight?) and Peter is very handsy, Adam's weirdo Mini Me doll watches from the stands, and Will is actually good at the game.  

At the house, Kenny speaks to his daughter and gets solid advice from Bryan (be the bigger man, don't let Lee make you look bad) while Lee lifts weights and "reads" (a coffee table book).

At the group date afterparty, Rachel rocks a SHORT leather skirt, TALL, thigh high boots (hello!), a loose sweater, and her hair down, nice and smooth. Will talks about a breakup and lessons he learned (he did nothing wrong, couldn't have prevented it and I said "AMEN!" So much of dating and romance is just timing and if you're in the right headspace at the same time as the other person. Fortunately, I never align on that, so I get to keep this girlish figure that's fueled purely by heartbreak!). Alex (Man Bun) reads Rachel a letter he wrote to her, Matt gives her some sort of lyrics stitched onto a piece of purple velvet (Prince lyrics, maybe?), then Josiah gets taken down a peg and I give Rachel SO MUCH CREDIT.  Josiah was saying how his dad saw his mom and knew right away that they'd get marriage and he claims that is how he feels about Rachel, but Rachel isn't lapping up that charm. She says that he doesn't ask her questions about herself--he doesn't seem curious ABOUT HER and OMG haven't we all dated those guys?  Guys who NEVER ask you ANYTHING about yourself then seem flummoxed as to why they know SO LITTLE about you.  It's exhausting.  Josiah recovers nicely, but he'd better start asking her some damn questions or he won't be around much longer.

After that, Peter and Rachel have a STEAMY conversation in a hot tub that resembles a path tub on the hotel patio.  In interview footage Peter says "I want to be sure that she and I's relationship" and I nearly took a baseball bat to my TV.  PETER!  I'S is not a a thing!! Goodness gracious did you attend middle school?  It's "her and my relationship."  Doesn't the word "I's" feel weird even coming off your tongue?  It should!  It's wrong!  And last week you spit out "disingenuine."  Get it together, Peter!

A while later, Rachel and Peter rejoin the group (and Rachel must have had a straightening iron on hand because her hair STILL looks amazing even though she was just in a steamy tub!) and Rachel hands the date rose to WILL!! ZING on your face, Peter!! Haaa!  She's just using you for your body and gapped front teeth!

MORE TO COME SOON....

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Bachelorette Rachel Ep 4: With All Due Respect, Iggy's a Bitch + "Disingenuine" Is Not a Word

FRANZ!

On Monday June 19^th we FINALLY got to watch episode 4 of Rachel’s season as The Bachelorette and it felt like we had been waiting forever!  Perhaps because we DID wait two weeks for a fresh batch of Bach (incidentally, that’s also the name of Michelle Collins’ new podcast).

And, while we’re talking podcasts, please note that I didn’t record an episode of TheFantasy Suite this week, though Dava recorded with a guest host.  I’ve been a bit slammed lately and not sleeping well and I fear I am spreading myself too thin with both these recaps AND the podcast, but the point is, I was in bed by 10:10 last night because I was so overtired.

And, as I’m sure every resident of Bachelor Nation knows, during the past week there has been MAJOR CONTROVERSY (and we’re talking REAL controversy, not the faux drama that is ginned up by Bachelor producers every season) because of what happened on DAY ONE of filming “Bachelor In Paradise” and the subsequent cancellation of the season.  Wooooa.  I’ll get into that in another recap (probably) but my quick two cents—Bachelor In Paradise is a show that REVOLVES around drinking and hooking up, so while I have sympathy for everyone involved and the whole thing sounds quite spooky, I’m honestly surprised that something like this hasn’t happened before.

BUT WE MUST TALK ABOUT RACHEL AND THE BOYZ!!!

OK, so The Bachelorette producers give us a quick montage to refresh our memories—Lee sucks, Eric is feeling insecure and angry (but that’s his right and I’m on his side), we left off mid-cocktail party. 

Eric and Josiah are justifiably angry at weasel-y Lee (who has a WHOLE lotta confidence for a guy that average in looks and below average in height).  Lee has a Masters Degree in Being Patronizing and laughs at both men as they get heated.  Eric utters a phrase that has become my personal mantra in the past few years:

You do you, Imma do me.

YESSSS!! Eric is completely right—this isn’t about ERIC somehow being consumed by Lee’s antics or Lee and Rachel’s connection (because I truly don’t think there is one)—this is about Lee gaslighting the hell out of Eric and attempting to manipulate him (and other members of the house, as we see later).   Lee says “I didn’t sign up for this to come here to make friends” which is like a dumbed down remix of the reality TV dating show mantra, “I didn’t come here to make friends.” 

Kenny and Rachel are chatting about wrestling (note to Kenny: EXPAND your conversations topics, dude) and Lee interrupts them, responding to Kenny’s request for 60 seconds with an offer of 16 seconds. That’s not how bargaining works, Tiny Racist. 

We see clips of the other guys in the house talking about Lee and Dean wins my heart (a surprising move because I normally HATE pretty boys) with the line, “I just think Lee’s kind of… a bitch?”  The male model and that Jack Stone guy (who is DEAD WEIGHT around here) argue over the correct pronunciation of “quirks” (it’s not pronounced like the fundamental constituent of matter, you dummies) as Dean very tractfully says that Lee “messes with guys he’s not used to seeing on a daily basis” (BLACK MEN). 

Meanwhile, Lee trots out a story about how his grandfather died of cancer but here is grandpop’s knife (shocked that made it past the TSA on your flight from Nashville to LA, but maybe you stored it in your pompadour?) and he used that knife to carve a dumb word into a block of wood. Good Lord where did Lee learn his flirting techniques—Camp Brookwoods for Adolesent Boys?  

Rachel and Bryan canoodle on the front steps (how killer was her sparkly, gunmetal eyeshadow? And those lashes! I love her style so much) then she retreats to the “candle room” to talk to that firefighter with a misshapen face (Bryce) as Kenny and Lee had a bit of a screaming fight in the backyard.  Lee did his standard moves (acts flabbergasted, refuses to take ANY responsibility for being a f-ing weasel, laughs at the earnest expressions of emotion of his supposed friends) and Kenny got really frustrated with him (understandably so, but also, you CANNOT let this guy play you, Kenny!). 

In a solo interview just after all that, Rachel started crying and expressing how much pressure she is under as the first black bachelorette.  I can’t even imagine.  If Rachel sends too many black men home, she’s being disloyal.  If she sends too many white or Asian men home, she’s not giving them a chance. She also has the pressure of being a stereotypically STRONG, black woman AND her entire family had better be absolutely PERFECT because they WILL be held to a higher standard.  It’s why the Obama’s had to be fucking inspiring EVERY DAMN DAY and why the Trump’s can be sloppy and dysfunctional.  It sucks. 

Bachelor Nation’s savior, Chris Harrison, appears at Rachel’s side and says that he can facilitate anything—just tell me what you need.  Oh Chris—can you facilitate being MY best friend forever? 

What she needs is to send some tools packing, so it’s rose ceremony time.

The dudes line up and GOODNESS GRACIOUS did anyone else notice that Alex (aka Hot Commie) is wearing dark purple animal print suit!? What is this, Las Vegas?  I like individuality but that’s just too close to Pimp Wear to be acceptable.  Rachel looks gorgeous (beige-ish, sparkly gown, sleeveless to show off her killer arms, hair down with a side part).  Alex (white guy who is the star of Outfit Nightmares), Eric (black guy who I nicknamed Tan Suit, though he’s not in a tan suit this rose ceremony), and Anthony (black guy who is JACKED and niiiiice) all have roses already.  Who is safe this week?

-Will (black guy in a light blue-ish suit, looking very good, also playing it cool—wise man)

-Dean (white guy who I used to HATE and call “Teeth” but now I LOVE because he is a straight shooter like how John McCain used to be AND ALSO Dean’s rocking a very unique pattered shirt, which I dig)

-Jonathan (white guy Cuddle Monster in a striped tie—snooze)

-Peter (white guy w/ the gap teeth and sorta salt and pepper hair—looking good)

-Adam (white guy, navy suit, he’s hot but has yet to show ANY personality)

-Bryan (white guy chiropractor who is CONNECTING with Rachel and it scares her)

-Matt (white guy from CT who truly looks like a young Burt Reynolds)

-Josiah (black guy, lawyer, dark suite, sweet smile)

-Jack (I dig the dark suit, no tie look, but this dude is just a lil corny)

-Iggy (Asian guy, dark suit, not tie. Iggy’s hot, but a gossip)

-Kenny (looking good in his purple shirt and striped tie)

THE FINAL ROSE GOES TO….

-Lee (short, not very hot, seemingly racist, singer/songwriter from Nashville. NO THANK YOU!)

So who is heading home?

-Bryce – the white dude firefighter with the somewhat strange face shape (I feel bad kicking him while he’s down now… but google him and tell me that face isn’t Silly Putty-esque)

-White Dude Male Model whose name I can’t be bothered to look up – it’s “QUIRKS,” you idiot.

-Diggy – the super stylish, handsome, bespecled black man from Chicago who I LOVED, alas perhaps he didn’t come on strong enough for Rachel?  I hope you can turn this appearance into some sweet free drinks all over Chi-Town, Diggy!!

Rachel is ready to leave the drama behind because they are all hopping a plane and heading to Hilton Head, South Carolina!!

The boys stay at a resort and do the requisite jumping on bed of new resort, screaming main character’s name as a group off a patio. 

Dean gets the first 1:1 which is a ride in a Jeep Wrangler to a field where they will drink on the Wrangler’s hood then hop on a blimp for more drinking and cuddling.  Dean is freaked out by the blimp part of the date because he’s afraid of heights (of course he is—THAT is exactly why this date involves heights. I swear, if I ever were to submit a profile to be on this show, I’d say that my greatest fear is doing standup comedy in hopes that they’d force me to do it and I’d feign fear over it then I would frigging CRUSH the room). 

Rachel and Dean have a fun afternoon, then over a candel-lit dinner beneath a beautifully lit tree, they talk about life, family, tragedy.  Rachel looks casual and sexy in tight, black pants, heels and a white blouse with black detailing.  Dean shows off his pecs (as always) in a tight, grey shirt.  Over dinner, Rachel talks about growing up in a very strict, religious home and Dean echoes that—his childhood years were all about nature, family, and church.  Dean opens up more than he has with any other woman (or audience of millions of random Americans), telling Rachel the heartbreaking story of how his mother died of cancer and how, at age 15, he didn’t quite understand it, and then was essentially left to his own devices from ages 15-18, as his family sort of fell apart.  OOof.  I’ve heard stories like that before—the mom passes and the family falls apart.  So sad.  Dean gets a rose and loses the nickname of “Teeth.” Sorry, bud.

Oh I almost forgot! Before the night is over, Rachel and Dean walk down a street to a stage setup where a singer who sounds Top 40, but I’m betting he categorizes himself as “Country” or even “Country/Crossover,” Russell Dickerson, is ready to serenade the happy couple as they make out for a few hundred smartphone-wielding strangers. PEOPLE! Why can’t you simply experience an experience? Must it always be videotaped? When will you ever watch that tape, anyway?  Can you tell that I was raised by a father who is militantly anti-videotaping? He loved taking photos (still does), but never shot videos and I tend to agree with his reasoning—how often are you going to watch those back?  But I digress.

Back at the house, dudes are assembling for a group date and the posse is Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Igg, Eric, Will, and Josiah WHICH MEANS THAT DWEEBUS JACK STONE IS GETTING A 1:1 and literally MOMENTS before that was announcement, I wrote in my notes, “it’s almost embarrassing to hear Jack Stone talk about wanting 1:1 time with Rachel.”  Welp, against all odds, he’s getting it.

The next day’s group date is a day on a boat (complete with dance circle, freestyle rapping, push ups, and Rachel sporting a captain’s hat like she’s Pam Anderson during her tragic Kid Rock era. 

These two are looking ROUGH. 

now THAT is how you rock a captain's hat

Spotted on Alex: MAN BUN! 

Rachel has the line of the day, screaming at the guys “if you’re hot, please feel free to take your shirts off.”  They day drink and get rowdy, then arrive back on land and the guys are forced to participate in the Bachelor National Spelling Bee, which was a SOLID challenge after a morning of drinking.  The judges are Rachel and 3 adolescent girls (who are LIBERAL with their use of the bell that indicates when a contestant has made an error).  The guys do pretty well at first, then drop off quickly and Josiah emerges the victor, playfully making jokes, asking if he can use words in a sentence so as to compliment Rachel, and, upon winning the golden cup, screaming “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, SUCKAS?”  Josiah is KILLING me—I LOVE playful dudes. Great work, J.

The after party is where things go off the rails and we hear the SECOND use of the word “disingenuine” this episode.  YES, TWICE—two DIFFERENT guys meant to use the word “disingenuous” but said “disingenuine” and I can’t help but think that for 70% of the house, “disingenuous” JUST got introduced to their vocabulary and they thought they sounded PRETTY darn smart.  You did—until you gave that word a little “genuine” caboose.  No dice, boyz.

Rachel looks beautiful in a black cocktail dress with a filmy overlay and some cut out flowers on it (that dress is VERY hard to describe but VERY lovely) and the guys are a big cleaned up.  Peter and Rachel have a flirty conversation in the wine cellar, Eric has bounced back since last week, and Iggy wastes the little time that he has with Rachel by badmouthing Josiah.  JOSIAH?? HUH? If you’re going to shit talk anyone, Iggy, shit talk LEE! COME ON!  Josiah? He’s being playful and silly—leave that alone!  Eric is right when he refers to Iggy as a “gossip queen” and Iggy’s very foolish to take this path—he and Rachel have ZERO relationship and NO chemistry, and he’s serving as just a gossip reporter. Why are you doing this, dude? Also, please stop painting your gossipy tendencies as that you are “weirdly defensive” about Rachel. That is NOT  what you’re doing. Also, I agree with Eric and Josiah 100% here—Iggy, it’s not your job to create drama and report to Rachel, then come back and inform the guys that you just shit talked them. As Eric said, Iggy, you continue to be in the sauce of the mixing pot—YOU are part of the problem.   And as Josiah said even more beautifully,

“WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, IGGY’S A BITCH.”

That quote is absolute perfection.

But wait, let’s not forget about the even BIGGER asshole in the house, LEE!  He and Rachel sit down to talk and she wisely asks him why she KEEPS hearing his name and why Kenny was screaming at him.  Lee accepts ZERO responsibility, of course, and claims that Kenny was VERY AGGRESSIVE toward him (ummm you’re both grown men, are you not) and then calls Kenny a “butthole.”  Cool moves, bro.

Later, Rachel and Kenny chat outside and Kenny performs a sweet freestyle rap in which he rhymes “journey” with “attorney.” Rachel confronts him about the Lee scene and Kenny admits that Lee baited him and that he’s ashamed that he let Lee get him so wound up.  Their conversation is disrupted by another suitor and Kenny feels frustrated that he wasted his precious time with Rachel discussing Lee and trying to prove that he’s not an aggressive, angry guy.  Ugh. 

Kenny takes that moment of clarity and squanders it, heading back into the super nautical country club bar and asking Lee if he will come outside for a word on the patio. This will end badly, but we’ll have to wait until next week to find out HOW badly. 

Bachelorette Rachel: Ep 3: Mud Fighting In a Honkey Tonk Bar? It's My Dream Date!

Greetings!

Monday night's episode was action packed, and I'm not just talking about the mud wrestling and horse shit.

We rejoined our fair maiden (Rachel) and her suitors (Diggy, Iggy, and the gang) where we left them--on a cliffhanger.  Everybody was all done up for a cocktail party and rose ceremony, but we had a party crasher--DeMario.

As you will recall, last week DeMario was asked to "go the F home" by Rachel "I will not be made a fool of" Lindsay and Bachelor Nation loves her for it!  But he's delusional and/or smitten, so he shows up to the Bachelor Mansion to try and win her back.  The guys heard that DeMario was in the driveway, so they assembled and acted tough while being "held off" by Bachelor Mansion security and Rachel walked down to DeMario to hear him plead his case.

Can we talk about her strut down to him? Chris Harrison escorted her and OMG I wish it had been in slow motion--it was SO fierce!  Rachel was all done up in that killer dress--black, slinky, slit up the leg, gold edging, fur coat--she was like a modern day Foxy Brown (the original) dream sequence!

DeMario pleads his case, saying that he hasn't been able to sleep, he knows he messed up, he didn't keep it real (her motto), and that "one of my favorite quotes is, in order to experience joy, you need to experience pain." Oh DeMario.  Even though Puff Diddy literally said that line in a song by girl band Danity Kane, it's not really an inspirational quote, so much as it's the meaning behind much better written, poetic inspirational quotes. For example: you need to live through winter to appreciate spring.  See?  THERE is an inspirational quote.

Anyway--somehow DeMario feels that in the 18-24 hours he just spent in the "dog house" (a hotel paid for by ABC, that is), he has learned a LOT.  God bless Rachel because she keeps her cool, she hears him out, and she is NOT HAVING IT. YES Rachel YES YES YES!! Her response is equal parts beautiful and hilarious, with her assuring him that she's glad he learned this life lesson, good and bad, all that stuff, but she wants a MAN and the way he behaved after the basketball game was the behavior of a BOY, so take this lesson with you as you go forward, DeMario, but forward aint into the Bachelor Mansion.  Thank you.

bye bye, DeMario 

The men are ELATED at how Rachel handled that--she had poise, grace, and all of those other adjectives that Madonna used to describe actresses in "Vogue."

Rachel doesn't miss a beat (which is what impressed me THE MOST because I would probably be feeling a little jittery and maybe pop into that bathroom for a quick cry after that scene) and dives into the cocktail party.  She laughs at Alex's Rubix Cube skills, at Jonathan's giant fabric hands (WHY WHY WHY? Is the props department in The Bachelorette just itching for something to do?), fawns over Kenny's sweet photos, and plays basketball in the driveway with Will.  It's all so sweet, until Loser Cruiser Twosome Blake and Lucas (aka Wahboom) decide that they want some time on camera.

Rachel gets some alone time with Lucas (who is wearing a plaid, baby blue suit jacket straight out of CADDYSHACK) and she asks him point blank why he and Blake are at odds.  Lucas responds with what I bet he thought was a funny joke ("maybe he likes me? Ya know, like, maybe he is GAY HAHAHHAAHAH! Get it GAY??") and Rachel doesn't laugh or "yes and" it (good move), then Lucas tells an obviously fictitious story about Blake supposedly watching him sleep and eating a banana while he does that.  Oh man I HATE people like this--people who will tell "jokes" that are really just dumb, silly lies, but they deliver them so ineffectually that the listener usually doesn't "get the joke" because it's not funny! Ahhhh! Get Wahboom outta here!

Also, can we please trot out this silly quarrel that is, as Rachel put it, "he said-he said" the next time anyone claims that The Bachelor features cat fights and petty quarrels (because the house is full of women)?  In fact, these men are PETTY AS HELL and there is DRAMA within the house, so that shit knows no gender boundaries.

At long last it's time for gorgeous Rachel to line-up these dudes and embarrass some of them on primetime TV.  Peter (gap teeth) already had a rose from last week's 1:1, Dean has one (remember when he walked Rachel to her car? Dreamy), and Josiah has one, also.

 Who scores a rose next?

-Bryan (white dude chiropractor, good kisser, but I don't love him)
-Bryce (white dude firefighter whose face is LEGIT like overstretched Silly Putty)
-Eric (black guy aka Tan Suit rocking a TAN SUIT!)
-Anthony (black guy with a bald head and cool style, though I HATE this suit--navy suit and black shirt? MY EYES ARE BLEEDING AND THAT IS SURPRISING BECAUSE GUY IS HOT BUT NEEDS A STYLIST. Could be be colorblind? I used to date a guy who would wear bad color combinations and it was because he was colorblind (and also a friggin' DOOOOUCHE haha KEVIN I HATE YOU STILL).
-Will (black guy, light grey suit, seems playful and cool)
-Jonathan (white guy Tickle Monster who seems fun but sorta lame)
-Jack (white guy, attorney guy, does nothing for me)
-Matt (white guy, CT dude, yellow tie, he's fine)
-Alex (hot Commie (is that offensive?) who is hella husky and has hot stubble. YES PLEASE.)
-Adam (I'm willing to admit that he's HOT but that weird Adam Jr. doll still creeps me out)
-Kenny (black dude wrestler who I am ROOTING for)
-Brady (white dude male model who tried to be funny at the close of the episode, but I don't think he quite gets it, ya know?)
-Lee (short nobody who is revealing himself to be a patronizing MONSTER)
-Iggy (Asian guy, red suit, I like his look but he seems a lil bland)
-Fred (black dude who Rachel knows from childhood, not doing super great)
-Diggy (black dude from Chicago with THE BEST STYLE. I hope that Rachel is saving him for later because he seem like a SOLID dude who deserves a 1:1).

So who is going home?
-Jamey (legit WHO ARE YOU white guy?)
-Blake (who I hated from the moment I saw him on After the Final Rose, so you might say I'm a Blake hating hipster)
-Lucas aka Wahboom.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over and the biggest TOOL to ever set foot in the Bachelor mansion is mercifully being sent packing.

Blake and Lucas wouldn't be Blake and Lucas if they didn't make themselves look like absolute DWEEBS on the way out, and they serve it up.  In the driveway, Blake rips into Lucas for being a "wanna-be comedian" (HA! Oh man is Lucas a frigging standup or improviser based in LA? I bet he's the weak link on an improv team with some shitty name like the "Jars of Bae" or like "Bae Watch" or like "Bae Street Metro Tech" or some other such Bae-based joke that the team members think will be HILARIOUS forever, but 3 years from now they'll find themselves booked on a 3:00 am show at the Del Close Marathon and their corny assed team name will sound SO dated and they'll all wonder what they are even DOING on this team. What is the goal? Is it just for fun? What is going on? When do we stop playing Zip Zap Zop?)

ANYWAY!

The next day Chris Harrison shows up to tell them what's on tap for the week: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date.

The first group date is a trip (and strip) to the daytime talk show "Ellen" and the lucky boys are Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred.  They all meet Ellen, the guys strip down and dance among the Ellen Show audience for money (I am not kidding), then do a Q+A session during which Alex admits that he pees in the pool and FINALLY I relate to one of these guys!

We learn that, of the 6 guys on this group date, 3 of them have kissed Rachel and 3 have not and WOW the 3 who have not are sounding like Pollyanna with their take on it ("maybe they just kissed on the cheek?" -Jonathan).  Fred is feeling left behind, so he tries to come on strong at the after party, but ends up fumbling.  He asks Rachel if he may kiss her, which I think can be a cute move, but the timing was odd, Rachel basically laughed at him, and then they shared a VISIBLY BAD kiss. Rachel looked amazing, as ever (black bodysuit with cool cut outs, thin straps, and funky necklace) and the other guys just made better use of their time with Rachel.

In a BRUTAL maneuver, Rachel picks up the group date rose and pulls Fred aside, so we all thought he was getting the rose, but NO, ole' Freddy was getting sent home!  Rachel expresses it really beautifully, Fred handles the rejection well, and is whisked away.  I'm sure he'll see Rachel at a family BBQ in the future and never live this down.  Bye bye, Fred! Oh, also, the group date goes to Alex, thereby proving the old adage "he who pees in the shared pool always gets the girl."

The next day, Eric is unraveling at the Bachelor mansion and it's too bad because it's one of those things where you feel insecure and you're filled with shame about it and you keep rambling about it and other dudes chime in and make you feel even MORE insecure and it's like a Dane Cook standup  album filled with odd anecdotes more than jokes: A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

The 1:1 goes to Anthony, who impresses Bachelor Nation with his calm confidence and willingness to go with the flow.  Plus he's hot and JACKED.  Rachel and Anthony spend the day trotting around Rodeo Drive (literally---on horses) and shopping at overpriced stores, then letting a horse drop a deuce in a corny Beverly Hills tourist trap.  Nice work!  That night they get done up to enjoy drinks, conversation, and hand holding at a table overlooking the LA skyline.  Anthony wins our hearts with his thoughts about family, paying it forward, and his love for his parents and younger siblings. Rachel gives him a rose and then they sorta halfway dance/halfway stand around kissing in front of a jazz quartet that was very LA LA LAND.  (Did anyone else sorta hate that movie? I WANTED to love it but I just didn't).

Back at the house, Eric continues to unravel and for whatever reason, Iggy thinks he should chime in.  Eric is emotional and feeling insecure, so he makes a silly comment about Rachel's motives and the other guys will, no doubt, never let him hear the end of it.

The next day is a group date taken DIRECTLY from MY DREAMS, as it's a MUD WRESTLING tournament at a HONKEY TONK BAR.  Ummmm hello--I have picked my wedding venue!! Now I just need a charismatic man with a big belly please!!!

The boys who will be stripping down and wrasslin' are Brady (model), Dean (teeth), Adam (hot but #NeverForget Puppetgate), Kenny (this is his DREAM date even more than it's my dream date), Bryce (oh, you're still here? HOW?), Lee (you're too average and scrawny to have that much confidence, guy), Jack (dead weight), and Eric (feeling insecure is NEVER a good thing).

Rachel's besties, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis are joining the crew for the day and it's a rowdy bar scene!  A true "bottle blonde"lady (the bar owner?) runs the show and the dudes strip down and do some last minute push ups and screaming to get pumped up.  Kenny is FIRED UP and this honkey tonk bar is about to experience "the pretty boy pitbull."

action shots

Everyone does surprisingly well, even Jack, the wimpy looking lawyer who it as stunned as we are that he's even still on the show.  The ladies wear clear raincoats (I sorta love those) and drink and cheer as the mayhem goes down.  The final round is Kenny vs. Bryce and somehow Bryce wins, which Kenny handles gracefully.

If nothing else, I bet this is good for their pores?

While the guys "shower off" (they were using a frigging garden hose!), Rachel confers with her gals and everybody likes Dean.  Raven reports that both Lee and Bryce said that perhaps Eric isn't right for Rachel.

That night at Oak Canyon Ranch, Rachel rocks a lovely, heather grey dress and jacket (sometimes monochromatic looks can be SO great) and has great conversation with Kenny and Dean.  Adam falls flat and she seems to have ZERO connection with Jack.  Eric opens up to Rachel, saying that he has been running from his feeling his entire life, feels vulnerable and anxious about that.  Rachel listens thoughtfully and seems to have a lot of fondness for him, but she shoots him straight that 2 guys (and she names them--Lee and Bryce) said that Eric may not have pure motives and I gotta stop right here and say I am VERY ANNOYED that somehow the idea that Eric may not be right for Rachel has become "Eric has bad motives."  I don't think that's what anyone meant.

Eric sits down with the guys and immediately asks Lee and Bryce to fess up.  Bryce sort of admits that he said something but that it wasn't about motives, whereas Lee leans into it and claims that he talked shit because Eric has never been in love and is inexperienced in relationships.  Dude, Lee, WHAT DO YOU CARE?? RUN YOUR OWN RACE, JACKASS.  Buh.  At this point, Lee becomes SO patronizing and keeps saying to Eric "I love you to death" while also making him feel ashamed for not having more breakups in his past.  HUH?  Eric got really frustrated (understandably so) and sorta fell for Lee's manipulations.   Lee is a gaslighter and a manipulator and a pussy.  NO THANK YOU.

The next evening is the rose ceremony and the guys are dressed up and Rachel's sporting a sparkly, gold gown with a side part (change it up! Yes).  Eric chats with the guys and says that since he has a rose, he just wants to share good energy and peace and grace and it's very sweet of him--to be mindful that perhaps he should hang back.  Both Lee and Iggy talk to Rachel about their tiffs with Eric, which feels sort of unnecessary and even Rachel seems like she doesn't want to get into the drama.  Hell, she JUST had to handle the Blake vs. Lucas situation--who's a girl gotta fuck to just get HIT ON around here?  Save the drama for your mamma and gimme some cheap feels, boys!

Finally, Rachel seeks out Eric to discuss this issue and she assures him that she's genuine, she's not here to play games, but that her antennae are up and she's curious about why she KEEPS hearing his name.  Eric handles it well, then goes into the living room to address the issues again and ask Lee point blank, "why my name is in your mouth" (a phrase I sorta LOVE).  Lee is patronizing as ever, giving him the ridiculous, useless advice to simply focus on himself because "it's not about you" but I'm with Eric when he exclaims, "it IS about ME because MY NAME is in YOUR MOUTH."  Eric is exactly right and I wish that he would say to Lee, "hey, guy, you're SO obsessed with trying to paint me as a fraud ONLY because YOU are a fraud and you're here to be on TV ONLY and you are being rude to me and patronizing me, the when I react in an appropriate way to someone who is antagonizing me, you try to make ME seem like the bad guy!"

Next week dumbass psychopath Lee will learn that referring to black men as "too aggressive" and "too intense" is just like referring to women as "crazy" in that both moves used by shitty people trying to pathologize and undermine and shame others for having NORMAL emotions and responses.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS IS THIS A BACHELORETTE RECAP OR AN ACADEMIC PAPER ON THE SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF GASLIGHTING?

GOODNIGHT!