Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 6: Don't Cry for Me, Shiny Jim Halpert

On Monday night, Jojo and her remaining 8 suitors flew to Buenos Aires, Argentina for a group date, 1:1 date, and--in an unprecedented move in Bachelor franchise history--a second 2:1 date! Two 2:1s in 1 season! Jojo likes messing with these boys and I like to watch!

The episode opens with Jojo wearing a beautiful red sheath dress while roaming around Buenos Aires and she pronounces “Buenos Aires” in the style of a smug college junior who just returned from study abroad. She meets up with Chris Harrison to talk about how ironic it would be if she were to fall in love with two people (What irony! The heartbroken becomes the heartbreaker! Aint life funny?) while the guys annoy the sweet people of Argentina with their contractually required “HOLA JOJO” shrieks.  

The first date card says “Besame, Besame Muchacho” (Kiss me, Kiss me, Guy) and it goes to Wells who, we then learn, hasn’t kissed Jojo yet. Wells readily admits this to the other guys (BAD MOVE, bro) and they are incredulous and spend the entirety of Wells and Jojo’s date dissecting this issue.  When Jojo arrives (in a white sweater and grey pants), Luke jokingly asks her if she and Wells are going to kiss today and her response of “Hmm… that’s funny, isn’t it?” is legit the greatest unintentionally HILARIOUS line I have ever seen on Bach. (Oh man, aren’t unintentionally funny things just THE GREATEST?). Then some loser says “aaaaaawkward” in that obnoxious, high pitched way that makes me want to punch a wall with how lame it is (I thought that whole “aaaawkward” thing was over?) and Jojo and Wells head out to walk around an outdoor market.  

Post-market they walk over to Fuerza Bruta, an “interactive and immersive spectacle” that’s a funky show that happens above you (with people flopping around in shallow water to make cool designs) plus other performance art-y elements (a dude runs on a moving walkway, gets shot, a lady swoops by him). The storyline between Wells and Jojo is that he’s been waiting for the perfect moment to kiss her and he keeps holding out for the right time. Well, Wells, that’s a good way to let life pass you by entirely.  They strip down to minimal clothing and participate in the shallow water/flopping around part and Wells FINALLY musters up the courage to kiss Jojo (to which she exclaims “that was the moment, Wells! We did it!” as if cheering on a toddler who has finally mastered potty training).  The kiss was chaste and too little too late, as we learn over dinner. Wells has been skeptical of “the process” all along and is generally a pretty cynical guy, it seems, so he’s simply not matched for Jojo’s hopeful, upbeat personality. She tells him that she can’t give him the rose and walks him to a car where they hug, Wells says that she deserves true and love and he hopes she finds it. Way to go, Wells. After his graceful exit, Bachelor Producers give us some drama in the form of Jojo walking over to Fuerza Bruta alone to watch the spectacle solo. The voice over reminds us that Jojo wants a partner—someone to accompany her when she watches a guy sprint on a moving platform and get shot, ya know?

Back at the hotel, the guys act shocked as they watch producers remove Wells’ luggage (but wait, weren’t you guys JUST saying how far behind he is?) and prepare for a group date of Luke, Robby, Jordan, James Taylor, and Alex.

The group date is a day of wandering around La Boca District (“we’re tired!” –Segment Producers) and this is when James Taylor begins battle with Imposter Syndrome. Jordan and the other guys are zipping around the soccer field in tight T-shirts while James is hustling around in a sweat-soaked button down when Jojo runs into Jordan and exclaims, “wow your stomach’s so hard!” which has got to be straight out of a movie in which Jack Black plays the lovable loser (the James Taylor character) and the girl LOVES the hot jerk (Jordan).  JT wins the penalty kick off, though (and a kiss from Jojo), and remarks that he’s “on track to I Love JojoVille” which gave me worse dumb chills than I’ve had since Evan left.

That night Jojo rocks a fierce look—little black dress under a black, leather jacket and has alone time with each guy. She and Luke get into some HEAVY PETTING before James Taylor spends his valuable 1:1 time whining that Jordan is a “celebrity” (his bar for “celebrity” is so low I might use it to limbo), he’s hot, has a stud arm, is in magazines, and seems entitled. Oof. But truly, there’s no there there, ya know? This isn’t a case of Jordan having a GF back home or being here for the wrong reasons—he just seems to intimidate James Taylor, but he hasn’t done anything WRONG.  Jojo is the queen of communication (and I love her for it) and she confronts Jordan immediately, asking about what happened when they were playing poker. Jordan laughs it off but gets especially offended by the allegation of “entitlement” the he returns to the waiting suitors where he spooks everyone with his tense silence and wine glass swirling. 
Finally, a confrontation erupts and James cops to what he said to Jojo, but tries to walk back his “entitlement” stuff but he ends up sounding like a paternalistic martyr. Tiny Hero Alex is SOAKING IT IN and Jojo successfully avoids the drama by giving the group date rose to Luke.

Next is the 2:1 between Derek (Shiny Jim Halpert) in a black shirt and Chase (Hottie with Sleepy Eyes) in a white shirt to show how DIFFERENT they are. Jojo is rocking a phenomenal red dress and red lip and they’re ready to Tango for 3! Derek is confident that he’s doing better than Chase because “Chase is in his head and I’m in my heart” but guess what, buddy, Jojo doesn’t want your head OR your heart. After the dance less, the trio has drinks and Derek goes full cheesedick saying, “I felt the passion” as Jojo smiles politely. During their alone time, Jojo gently scolds Chase for not giving her enough words of affirmation and I REALLY appreciate her ability to simply ask for what she wants and needs. Chase seems stunned (which is hard to tell because guy doesn’t have many facial expressions) but basically, takes the note.  Jojo holds up the rose and says nice stuff about Derek, then Chase, then offers Chase the rose, much to Derek’s chagrin.

Then we witness an exit the likes of which Bachelor Nation has never seen—friends, this was goddamn poetry. Jojo walks Derek to a car and they hug goodbye, then as he drives away, he melts, starts crying and speaking in 3rd person about who Derek is (“Derek’s imperfect”), then those shots are intercut with footage of a lovely Artentinian singer belting, “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” as Chase and Jojo make out in a candle lit ballroom.  HOW IS THERE NOT AN EMMY FOR BEST EXIT FROM A REALITY TV SHOW, DATING SERIES?

Readers, what was your favorite part of that scene:

(A) Derek saying,  “why am I crying?” and “I don’t…. cry….” and sounding like a robot who somehow grew feelings
(B) The back and forth editing of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and Derek’s tears
(C) The shot of Chase nibbling at Jojo’s neck as it all went down
(D) All of the above 
[NOTE: Can you tell that I work in Test Prep by day?]

I'm going going back back to Scranton Scranton Scranton
Finally it’s cocktail party/rose ceremony time and Jojo is stunning in a blue dress with gorgeous beading at the chest and a dramatic mermaid bottom. She chats with each guy, getting an “it’s whatever” from Alex (huh?), assurances that he wants to “do life” with her from Jordan (double huh), and illogical rambling about confidence from Robby (whatevz, Human Bump It).  

Luke and Chase already have roses, then she hands them out to…
-Robby (the tide is high and so is that guy’s hair)
-Jordan (fighting to get enough volume in his hair, too)
and then—in a dramatic turn—Jojo says “I’m sorry” and scampers down the stairs where she finds Life Coach Chris Harrison and talks to him. She tells him that she’s confused and doesn’t want to give this rose out and just as Alex and James Taylor think that Jojo is on a fast track to hometown dates, Chris Harrison walks out with a tray holding TWO roses. So everybody gets a rose and this rose ceremony was completely unnecessary, except to show off Jojo’s awesome blue dress (which is reason enough, to me).  Alex looks a gift horse straight in the mouth and whines that he got a “pity rose” but ya know who probably would have loved any rose, even a pity rose? Don’t Cry For Me, Shiny Jim Halpert, that’s who.   

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