Tuesday night was Part II of Chad-Mageddon and the episode
opened with Chris Harrison encouraging Chad to
address the house and squash things.
Chad’s way of ending the drama was by saying that he hopes they can all
be “pretty cool, generally” then by having a back and forth debate with Evan
about who pushed who first. Welcome to
everybody’s favorite family road trip back seat game, WHO STARTED IT? Wells and James Taylor chimed in with some
calm advice and the conversation ended.
We got a “to be continued” FOR THAT? Come on! I wanted blood! What’s that, I’ll get it later in the episode? OK, you’ve got me.
The pool party kicks off when Jojo arrives in white, jean
shorts, fringed tank top, and a black bikini.
Jojo is smart and doesn’t dunk her head underwater (don’t ruin that hair
and make-up, girl), but the guys do, performing synchronized swimming dives and
tricks. Somehow Evan gets a bloody nose during a dive and I’m stunned by what a
delicate flower he is. Jojo and Jordan
have some sexy private time (straddling!) and she tells him that she feels
nervous around him (been there a few too many times and hey, sometimes you have a 4 year on-again-off-again thing with an overweight, bearded mountain man who leaves you completely tongue tied, ya know? Just me?). Luke and Jojo
have some cute guitar time, Robby’s hair keeps getting higher, and Jojo and
Chad have a talk. Chad says that he made
that mean remark (“are you seriously
vibing this guy?”) because he and Evan are so different, asking, “Do you want
ice cream or do you want steak?” Well, Chad, perhaps she likes both? A better
metaphor would have been a zero sum game where you can only pick ONE
thing. Evan disrupts their conversation
because he feels safe while the cameras are rolling (sorry, but Evan’s a
chickeshit weasel).
Chad grabs Derek (Hot Jim Halpern) for a conversation in the foyer and every sentence that
Chad uses to ask him what his problem is, Derek then explains is a perfect
example OF THE PROBLEM and Derek’s not wrong. Derek contends that Chad is here
to get in front of the cameras and that he doesn’t actually like Jojo.
That evening it’s rose ceremony time and Jojo arrives in
stunning gunmetal, sparkly separates.
She’s rocking a light lip and sparkly, grey eyeshadow and it’s all
amazing. Chase and Evan already have
roses and then she doles them out to…
-Grant (looking NICE in those suspenders and no jacket)
-Derek (looking very Dunder Mifflin in that grey suit)
-Jordan (yeah Jojo—keep him in the middle and keep him
humble)
-Luke (tie pins are back! What’s old is new!)
-Robby (do you think he's wearing a BumpIt underneath that
hair? Seriously--that volume!)
-Wells (classic look, low key attitude)
-James F. (Cute Count rocking a grey suit, black tie)
-Vinny (he’s still here? Doesn’t he have some fades to buzz back in Florida?)
-Daniel (that stark white shirt and ink black suit is doing
nothing to make you look like less of a vampire, Damn Daniel)
-Alex (tiny hero is
HOT and every military dude I know is covered in tats, so it doesn’t scare me)
-Chad (seriously? SERIOULY? Do you WANT Evan to get his ass
kicked, Jojo?)
So Ali (handsome Persian), Nick (Santa), and Christian
(smiley sweetheart) are heading home and the guy who punches doors and eats
potatoes like bananas is still in the running.
That’s got to be a tough pill to swallow—even harder than a mouth full
of cold cuts eaten like a Chad Bear.
Jojo tells the guy that she’s ready to leave the drama
behind and focus on relationships (easy to say when you aren’t living in the
same room as a dozen meatheads, one of whom is a complete sociopath) and
TRAVEL!
Their first stop is everyone’s favorite spring break
destination: NEMACOLIN, PENNSYLVANIA!!!! RUSTIC WOODLANDS! GREY SKIES! DAMP
WEATHER! Jojo says for the first time this season that she thinks her husband
is in this group of guys and the dudes settle into their rustic cabin
resort.
Luke scores a 1:1 date and they go dog sled cruising through
a muddy trail! Who knew that you could dog sled without snow? Turns out you
can! You just need a random guy to stand behind you while you and your mate
snuggle under a blanket and play tonsil hockey directly beneath him! Wheeee!
They arrive at a clearing where a wood fire Jacuzzi is waiting for them,
but first Luke needs to chop the wood to heat the fire that will warm the
water. It’s like a goddamn chemistry lesson up in here! They strip down and
Jojo is somehow SHOCKED that Luke, a former military guy is in “impeccable
shape” (as she calls it). Jojo dips a
toe in the hot tub, finds it to be MUCH too hot, and Luke dutifully holds her
suspended above the water, then shares this inspirational gem with Bachelor
Nation:
Sometimes hot tubs are too hot.
Aint that the truth, Luke. Luke says
that he loves Nashville and Austin (oh, you and literally EVERY OTHER RESIDENT
OF OUR NATION LIVING HERE CIRCA RIGHT NOW) and they sip champagne.
Back at the house, Chad is also in a hot tub, but he’s alone
and speaking of himself in the 3rd person as “the Chad bear.”
That night Luke and Jojo get dressed up for dinner and Luke
talks about serving in Afghanistan, losing his best friend in combat, and
appreciating life. I’ll admit, that was
pretty sweet conversation and he seems like a solid dude. I had to laugh, though, when Luke talked
about how he’s an emotional person without registering a SINGLE emotion on his
face. Maybe he just has a flat affect? Either way, Luke gets a rose and they
then walk to a theater where make out on a platform as hundreds of strangers
tape it on their smartphones. Love in the modern age! Behind them, someone
furiously cranks a smoke machine as Dan + Shay sing a trite country song.
The next day is a group date for Derek, James Taylor, Damn
Daniel, Chase, Wells, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby and the boys
cruise on a steamboat over to Heinz Field where they run football drills with 3 former Pittsurgh Steelers players or coaches or something. They all
look like brick shithouses and make Evan look even TINIER than we know he
is. Jordan is throwing killer passes to
everyone as they run drills (mama likes) and when Robby smacks into James
Taylor, JT stars gushing blood and needs stitches.
 |
| This is what happens when a Singer-Songwriter tries to play football |
Finally it’s game time and the guys are split into 2 teams:
white and blue, with Jordan playing what he calls “all time Quarterback” and
that sounds extremely hot, Jordy. Evan
is pretty excited about the football accessories and ends up looking more like he’s
auditioning to replace Left Eye of TLC in that bizarre TV show “R U The Girl.”
 |
| "I'm sorry you lost your beloved Left Eye, but I am here to fill those shoes!" -Evan |
The blue team wins (but not before Evan gets his SECOND
bloody nose of the episode) so they score an after party with Jojo.
That night, Jojo is looking gorgeous in a tight black dress
with a slit up the leg and no sleeves. Robby is rocking a Miami Vice look and
he hoists her onto the pool table for a hot make out that is soon followed by
her make-outs with Derek, James Taylor, and Jordan. Jojo tells Jordan that she still can’t read
him and that he’s not vocal about how he feels, so he takes her outside and
says, “I feel like I’m falling for you, I see someone that I feel like I could
fall for” which is the most non-committal way to tell a woman that you
maybe, potentially, could possibly date her. What the hell is going on here,
Jordan!? But that almost confession of
maybe love seemed to be enough for Jojo, as she gives Jordan the rose.
The next day is the 2-on-1 between Alex and Chad and
pre-date Cro Magnon Chad takes a poll of which guys have a problem with him
(multiple guys literally RAISED THEIR HANDS and I exploded in laughter), Chad
asks Alex if he’d like to go outside and fight, and Chad threatens to beat up
Jordan in his home once the show is over. If someone isn’t making a super cut
of Chad’s best Roid Rage lines, then we’re all missing out. Chad and Alex take a helicopter into the
woods where they meet Jojo for a hike and drinks by some rapids. Alex uses the
non-word “disingenuine” when he means “disingenuous,” Chad holds Jojo’s hand a
LOT, and the trio settles on a blanket by the water. During his 1:1 time, Alex
tells Jojo that Chad is terrorizing the house with threats of violence and when
Jojo asks Chad about this, he insists that he’s not an aggressive guy but the
other guys are pushing him and
he says that threats of violence are the ONLY way to handle some people. Jojo reprimands him saying that he should
handle things like an adult and walks off, then he proves that he’s truly a
man-child by whipping his cup into the river.
Then Chad and Alex have bizarre conversational back and forth
during which Chad says outright that it’s too bad that he can’t hurt Alex
without getting into trouble and we learn that Chad was formerly a Marine. How
did I not know this before? This guy is terrifying!
Jojo returns and asks Chad point-blank if he has threatened
anyone in the house and Chad trots out the favorite excuse of abusive husbands,
that he was MADE to do these things and he had no other option. Jojo gives Alex the rose and they wander off
to a candlelit, cozy drinks date as Chad roams the woods saying, “am I getting
pranked right now?”
Back at the house, a Production Assistant takes Chad’s bag
away and the boys toast with bubbly and Fireball Whisky (I’ll probably get
Diabetes for saying this, but I love me some Fireball and not just because
there’s a corny Top 40 country song about it).
The voice over we hear as we watch Chad roam the woods is
him insisting that Alex lied and that now he must find Alex. Does Chad realize that
every word he say is being taped? Because Alex didn’t lie and everyone in
Bachelor Nation knows it.
We’re off next week (who knows why) and back in 2 weeks. In the meantime, be sure to listen to The Fantasy Suite, the Bachelor podcast that I
co-host!
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